No idea where I fit in, confused and unsure

[LookingGlassAlice]

So I have been reading this website for a while now off and on and I've been checking out the forums and stuff but I am still pretty confused. I know people can't tell me how to identify myself but maybe you can help me to figure it out myself...

I remember when I first looked at AVEN a while back. I was just not sure if the term asexual really fit me or not and I am still not sure. I felt like maybe I am just messed up, because I have panic disorder and social anxiety and so I am not sure its just my anxiety or what. I think I first started to look up asexuality because I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me because I always hated kissing and that sort of thing. I've had panic attacks before when someone I was on a date with tried to kiss me. That was the thing I really noticed that was different with me versus other people I guess and I wanted to try to figure out what my "problem" was. I think that my anxiety is maybe complicating things and making it harder for me to figure this out because I know that hating kissing doesn't equal being asexual and I am confused about what part this plays maybe?

However the more I started to read the site and especially reading posts from others on the forums, I found that I identified with a lot of things that other people were saying. Reading the forums also made me realize that I probably don't react the same way a lot of people do in regards to having sexual attraction. There are a lot of things that I just did not even think about before such as when other people talk about having crushes, I guess I never really equated that with having sexual feelings for the object of their crush (not that I get a lot of crushes anyway).

So basically, I am trying to figure this stuff out and it seems like it should be easy to figure out whether or not you have sexual attraction and stuff like that, but I am finding it difficult.

[Breathing....]

Hi,

I don't think it's easy figuring this all out, it's hard to know you don't feel something... I'm only here 6months, hadn't even heard of asexuality before then, but I still question if maybe I am just messed up. I had a difficult childhood, I suffer with anxiety and low mood. I used blame everything on these things but finding this and realising that maybe this explains better who I am has really helped to make me feel a bit more human.... I won't say it's helped with the anxiety or the low mood as to be honest being asexual has its own problems. I haven't spoken to anyone in real life about finding this out about me because I think most of them will say it is related to anxiety and low mood and not really a thing.... And maybe I should seek treatment and try to rule them out as reasons but I don't think it'll change anything if I'm honest.

I may be a more 'cut and dry' asexual in that I have never had a crush or kissed anyone/been kissed or even realised others were as into sex as they seem to be... Not suggesting anything by this other than, just reading through others' experiences on AVEN made me realise just how oblivious I was.

I think it takes time, if you don't think it fits don't settle with it, use it if you feel it's ok and helps for now, but if not then there's plenty of time for finding something better. Best of luck.

[Anime Pancake]

I'd be happy to help

Maybe some questions you or anyone else can ask themselves are

1) Do I want to have sex?

2) Does the idea of sex seem enjoyable or interesting to me?

3) Would I like to have sex sometime in my life or am I perfectly fine without it?

Asexuality mainly has to do with if someone has a natural desire or want to have sex, so maybe questions like that can help

[purplemutant]

Unfortunatly sexual orientation can be a tricky thing to sort out. Sexual attraction is a concept I still don't quite understand. Which is why I have shifted away from an attraction based definition of asexuality to the following desire based definition.

An asexual is someone who does not experience an innate desire for sex with other people.

Desire. Noun: "a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen." Synonyms: Urge, Craving, Yearning, Need.

What I thought was sexual attraction some people see as esthetic attraction. So I am no longer going to bother trying to figure out what the heck sexual attraction is. I am pretty confident that I am asexual. So whatever sexual attraction is, isn't relevant in my case.

My suggestion is to simply poke around this site and ask questions/start threads. Do that for as long as it takes to get things sorted out. Keep in mind that other people may not agree with how you identify. That's ok, it's up to you to decide what (if any) labels are appropriate. I am comfortable identifying as asexual. If other people disagree, that's thair problem not mine <_<

I hope you get things figured out sooner rather than later.

[Guest]

So I have been reading this website for a while now off and on and I've been checking out the forums and stuff but I am still pretty confused. I know people can't tell me how to identify myself but maybe you can help me to figure it out myself...

I remember when I first looked at AVEN a while back. I was just not sure if the term asexual really fit me or not and I am still not sure. I felt like maybe I am just messed up, because I have panic disorder and social anxiety and so I am not sure its just my anxiety or what. I think I first started to look up asexuality because I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me because I always hated kissing and that sort of thing. I've had panic attacks before when someone I was on a date with tried to kiss me. That was the thing I really noticed that was different with me versus other people I guess and I wanted to try to figure out what my "problem" was. I think that my anxiety is maybe complicating things and making it harder for me to figure this out because I know that hating kissing doesn't equal being asexual and I am confused about what part this plays maybe?

However the more I started to read the site and especially reading posts from others on the forums, I found that I identified with a lot of things that other people were saying. Reading the forums also made me realize that I probably don't react the same way a lot of people do in regards to having sexual attraction. There are a lot of things that I just did not even think about before such as when other people talk about having crushes, I guess I never really equated that with having sexual feelings for the object of their crush (not that I get a lot of crushes anyway).

So basically, I am trying to figure this stuff out and it seems like it should be easy to figure out whether or not you have sexual attraction and stuff like that, but I am finding it difficult.

Don't feel bad. The whole "what exactly is sexual attraction" thing is complicated. I have been here for years and I still don't know. haha

I identify as asexual because I have no urges/desires/cravings etc towards partnered sexual activity, personally. I would be HAPPIER never having sex again than having to have sex (though, I like kissing/hugging/cuddling etc and want a romantic partner, so I identify as romantic asexual). Others because they don't feel whatever they consider sexual attraction to be. Which, that definition can vary a bit.

Only you can decide if you feel like the label fits you. Browse around, read some other peoples stories and take your time. No need to rush to deciding. :)

[LookingGlassAlice]

Thanks! That makes sense. I guess it's also making it tough because I am not sure how to figure out how much my anxiety/depression might be affecting how I feel... Also I never really thought about sexual vs other types of attraction so it's hard to figure out how to categorize my past feelings... I can't really think of any time I felt like I wanted to have sex with any person really but it's hard for me to figure out with people I liked in the past, if it was in a sexual way or more like romantic attraction or what.

[LookingGlassAlice]

I don't know why this is so difficult for me to figure out. :(

It didn't help the response I got from my therapist (I wrote a post about that a while ago).

[Devil Kisses]

So I have been reading this website for a while now off and on and I've been checking out the forums and stuff but I am still pretty confused. I know people can't tell me how to identify myself but maybe you can help me to figure it out myself...

I remember when I first looked at AVEN a while back. I was just not sure if the term asexual really fit me or not and I am still not sure. I felt like maybe I am just messed up, because I have panic disorder and social anxiety and so I am not sure its just my anxiety or what. I think I first started to look up asexuality because I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me because I always hated kissing and that sort of thing. I've had panic attacks before when someone I was on a date with tried to kiss me. That was the thing I really noticed that was different with me versus other people I guess and I wanted to try to figure out what my "problem" was. I think that my anxiety is maybe complicating things and making it harder for me to figure this out because I know that hating kissing doesn't equal being asexual and I am confused about what part this plays maybe?

However the more I started to read the site and especially reading posts from others on the forums, I found that I identified with a lot of things that other people were saying. Reading the forums also made me realize that I probably don't react the same way a lot of people do in regards to having sexual attraction. There are a lot of things that I just did not even think about before such as when other people talk about having crushes, I guess I never really equated that with having sexual feelings for the object of their crush (not that I get a lot of crushes anyway).

So basically, I am trying to figure this stuff out and it seems like it should be easy to figure out whether or not you have sexual attraction and stuff like that, but I am finding it difficult.

Don't feel bad. The whole "what exactly is sexual attraction" thing is complicated. I have been here for years and I still don't know. haha

I identify as asexual because I have no urges/desires/cravings etc towards partnered sexual activity, personally. I would be HAPPIER never having sex again than having to have sex (though, I like kissing/hugging/cuddling etc and want a romantic partner, so I identify as romantic asexual). Others because they don't feel whatever they consider sexual attraction to be. Which, that definition can vary a bit.

Only you can decide if you feel like the label fits you. Browse around, read some other peoples stories and take your time. No need to rush to deciding. :)

I'm still not sure if I'm on the asexual spectrum or not, but I'll try describe how I feel attraction. For me mannerisms and people's voices play a large part in sexual attraction. If I can only see a picture of someone I usually only feel aesthetic attraction. When I see their mannerism or hear the way someone talks I might get sexually aroused if I think their voice or mannerisms are attractive. This really confused me for a long time.

Once I remember being very attracted to this girl. I wasn't asthetically attracted to her at all, I thought her makeup was ugly and she wasn't my usual type. But I got extremely aroused when I heard her talk. I sometimes had sexual imagery pop up, but most of the time I was just aroused. I was really freaked out, confused and embarrassed by this. I always felt extremely awkward around her. That wasn't a nice feeling at all for me.

[LookingGlassAlice]

I guess I never really used to think about there being different types of attraction, so if I liked someone I liked them. I didn't think about in what sort of attraction it was. I think I also just figured I was straight (although I wondered sometimes) because I wasn't really attracted to girls physically and only have dated guys. Then again I don't look at a guy I like and think about wanting to do sexual things with them or get aroused, either which made me wonder if I was just confused about my orientation.

I don't like kissing or sexual contact and I tend to shy away from people when I'm dating because at a certain point they expect that sort of thing and I have trouble explaining my feelings on it (also social anxiety doesn't help this). I sometimes feel like guys only date me because they expect it will lead to sex and they are working towards that goal but I would rather just have fun talking and hanging out with them.