Lullay Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I am an asexual in a relationship with a demisexual we've been together for a while now and they have expressed wanting us to go further.... My mother thinks I'm broken and doesn't understand my asexuality ... She says they'll break up with me if I don't sleep with them... Is that possible? ... I know since you don't know them you wouldn't know but in your opinion is that a possibility... Also the real question I wanted to ask is... can you describe in words what it's like to want to sleep with someone?... I just don't understand and would like to as much as is possible... I thank you in advance for any insight Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I am an asexual in a relationship with a demisexual we've been together for a while now and they have expressed wanting us to go further.... My mother thinks I'm broken and doesn't understand my asexuality ... She says they'll break up with me if I don't sleep with them... Is that possible? ... I know since you don't know them you wouldn't know but in your opinion is that a possibility... Sure, it's possible. But the only person that can tell you for sure (and the only person whose opinion even matters) is your partner. Your mom isn't part of your particular relationship and doesn't really have a say in what goes on with it :< Also the real question I wanted to ask is... can you describe in words what it's like to want to sleep with someone?... I just don't understand and would like to as much as is possible... I thank you in advance for any insight There isn't any real single correct answer here, but I think for most people, they would say they're able to grow closer to one another by allowing themselves to feel vulnerable together, in whatever sorts of ways that entails. Sleeping with someone (and by that I don't even necessarily mean sex; it can also be literally just sleeping with someone) is a very close physical act in which you are placing a degree of trust in the other person to not harm you or otherwise take advantage of you. It fosters both physical and emotional intimacy, basically, and can serve as an intense sort of bonding. Link to post Share on other sites
yellow Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Hi! I do not know what it feels like to want to sleep with someone, as I have never felt that way. I'm hoping others can chime in and describe that for you. As for whether your partner might break up with you, well I would say that all depends on your partner. I've had relationships end because we were not compatible sexually, but then I know there are couples who find a way to compromise. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
diconstruction Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Answer to question 1: Yes, they might really break up with you. My last relationship ended because he was sexual and I couldn't compromise anymore. However, he was not some asshole who only cared about sex. He was a really nice, genuine guy, but he needed sex to feel intimate. So even if the relationship ends because of different needs/desires, keep in mind that doesn't necessarily make your partner a bad person or selfish or shallow. Nor does it make you flawed in any way. But it really is crucial to talk about it and find out where you both stand, because if there's no common ground you can find, it's best to end it sooner rather than later. Answer to question 2: Sex (without sexual enjoyment) can feel anything like this warm and wonderful sense of satisfaction that you've made someone you care about feel good to a horrible oppressive weight that you are trapped and broken and cannot understand what your partner is going through and that they are experiencing a sense of imtimacy while you are experiening bland cold confusion and where the fuck does that leave you? The point being... there are lots of reasons to have sex (even if you don't physically feel compelled) and some are valid reasons and some are shitty reasons. Some shitty reasons: -Our relationship might fail if I don't -Maybe I'm actually feeling sexual desire and don't realize it -My partner needs the confidence boost -I need to show my partner I love them -It would be awkward to turn them down The only good reaon: -I want to (whether for physical reasons or not) However, a quick warning: If you genuinely want to have sex, but it's not for sex drive related reasons, you should probably let your partner know. I've made my fair share of mistakes, so everything I'm saying here is coming from actual experience. I hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I'm a Demisexual and once I feel the interest of sleeping with someone it's hard not to feel frustrated like a sexual person. So there is a chance this person could decide to break up with you. I would ask them and see if they feel different though. Sex would be like expressing how I feel about a person but I don't feel this way towards everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
YeOldeToast Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 My girlfriend's mother is saying the same thing, that if she doesn't sleep with me then I'll leave here and I can say with certainty that I won't, if we do break up then it's not for that reason. Of course it's possible someone will leave you because of lack of sex, but never take anyone else's word for it but your partner's, because it's their thoughts that actually hold any relevance. Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 With all due respect... sod your mother! Sometimes they really shouldn't interfere (mine is Queen of Interference). It's difficult to put that wanting someone thing into words. Like someone else said above, for demisexuals once you get that physical attraction it can be very difficult keeping the frustration contained. If you're not sure that you do want to sleep with your partner I would guess that you don't - it's one of those things that when you know, you know. You shouldn't feel pressured into sleeping with someone. This person that you're with might be absolutely fantastic, but if sleeping with them is one of the conditions that the relationship keeps going (and you're not happy with that) then I personally would bolt. Plenty of other fish in the sea, and all that jazz. Link to post Share on other sites
verily-forsooth-egads Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Mixed relationships can be especially frustrating for demisexuals, since their sexual desire is directed at one person specifically. I'll be honest, I don't see an easy solution for you here, and one or both of you might have to compromise. Don't do anything you don't want to do, though. Talk to your partner about it, and don't take what your mother said to heart too much. There is always more than one solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Lullay Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 Thank you everyone you have all be so helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
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