OKC and am I just being an ***hole?

[Tercy]

I think what is getting under peoples skin is the implied disrespect and/or unrealistic expectations and/or value judgements being made by the OP and others who share the "trophy boy/girlfriend" mentality. As hinted at in my earlier post, I personally would contend that if you're hoping your partner will make you look good, you've probably got a few deficiencies in terms of self esteem and maybe even morality (as some have said, these are human beings we're talking about, not objects to show off and exploit).

As an aside, it cracks me up every time someone takes issue with people taking issue with things. If your argument is that people are free to do whatever they like, others are equally free to disagree with whatever they like and take whatever action against it that they deem necessary. That's basic logic.

[Fire & Rain]

I’m going to tackle this issue from my past dating experiences.

Yes, there’s nothing wrong with having preferences. I’m very picky when it comes to aesthetic attraction although I don’t have a certain race, gender, body type, etc but I rarely find anyone attractive. I only found 6 people aesthetically attractive in my entire life and they weren't traditionally attractive. I ended up dating 3 of them. Let me tell you. It was boring as hell. Relationships based on looks are empty and they never last especially when there's no sex and lust involved. It was like hanging out with a beautiful painting. You are probably thinking that perfect idol you have in mind will also have matching personality to yours and common interests. Chances are they won't if you are extremely picky.

The most fulfilling relationships are those where you feel an emotional connection. The person you can just hang out with and be happy. The one who you can have meaningful conversations. Cuddles will follow. Trust me :) You should not care about what other people think. Create your own happiness.

[marki]

Yeah I guess I feel like people are punishing me on here because they disapprove of the fact that I have a certain type that I am looking for. I wasn't expecting so many rude people on this forum but I should have learned from previous experience on here that sadly that is the case.

Read the OP. Did I ever say anything negative about fat girls? Oh wait nope instead I actually said I understand that things must be tough for them.

And anyone who says that people don't use their looks to influence those around them must be living on another planet because attractive people of both genders absolutely use their looks to gain favor in society. So there is nothing wrong with someone who isn't deemed attractive in society to benefit from it - i.e me.

It is like someone saying " I only want German Chocolate Cake" and me saying " F*** you! You are a hater and a horrible person because you need to like Carrot Cake too."

The fact that I am legitimately feeling down because every time I try to venture into this scary world of relationships I am disappointed by the fact that I am unable to find what I am looking for coupled with this absolutely disrespectful shame people are trying to make me feel because I don't find everything in the world magical and beautiful really is making me feel much worse about the situation.

How would you feel knowing that every place where you would normally think about finding someone never has anyone who interests you, your friends all give you crap for wanting to date outside of your race, and when you try to use the internet to expand your search results you still find nothing.

I have known plenty of horrible girls who I thought looked nice.....and plenty of horrible girls who didn't look nice. I suppose my underlying issue is that in all reality I have never known a girl who wasn't mean and disrespectful towards me. But I'm not being disrespectful towards them at all by having personal standards. Seriously this has gotten ridiculous. It is depressing that every girl I ever have found interesting ends up just being mean and sarcastic towards me. So maybe I am better off with sticking with my current plan of never talking to girls and avoiding them all like a zombie hoard. Because the way people have been treating me on this I feel like that is still my best option.

[Guest]

I have known plenty of horrible girls who I thought looked nice.....and plenty of horrible girls who didn't look nice. I suppose my underlying issue is that in all reality I have never known a girl who wasn't mean and disrespectful towards me. But I'm not being disrespectful towards them at all by having personal standards. Seriously this has gotten ridiculous. It is depressing that every girl I ever have found interesting ends up just being mean and sarcastic towards me. So maybe I am better off with sticking with my current plan of never talking to girls and avoiding them all like a zombie hoard. Because the way people have been treating me on this I feel like that is still my best option.

Now, you're probably going to get pissed at me for saying this, but I genuinely think you need to hear it. If you've actually never encountered a girl who wasn't mean and disrespectful towards you, then there is something fundamentally wrong with how you interact with women. That's something you need to work on if you ever want to have success with relationships because finding someone fits your preferences is only a small part of it. The big part is having them be attracted to you once you find them. If there is something about you and how you interact with women that is causing all of them to be rude to you then you need to figure out what that is and work on stopping it.

[Philip027]

Yeah I guess I feel like people are punishing me on here because they disapprove of the fact that I have a certain type that I am looking for.

... I don't think most people here are doing that, actually. Many of us are saying you can't help what you are attracted to.

What most here aren't approving of is the reason why you're looking for an "attractive" person as a partner. It should be specifically because they fit your relationship desires/tastes, not because you want someone to show off like a trophy. Relationships aren't even about everyone else, they're about the specific people involved.

It's one thing to be able to say to people that you're happy and proud of who you have as a partner, but that shouldn't be the entire reason to have a partner in the first place.

And anyone who says that people don't use their looks to influence those around them must be living on another planet because attractive people of both genders absolutely use their looks to gain favor in society.

If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?

[Contrarian Expatriate]

I think what is getting under peoples skin is the implied disrespect and/or unrealistic expectations and/or value judgements being made by the OP and others who share the "trophy boy/girlfriend" mentality. As hinted at in my earlier post, I personally would contend that if you're hoping your partner will make you look good, you've probably got a few deficiencies in terms of self esteem and maybe even morality (as some have said, these are human beings we're talking about, not objects to show off and exploit).

As an aside, it cracks me up every time someone takes issue with people taking issue with things. If your argument is that people are free to do whatever they like, others are equally free to disagree with whatever they like and take whatever action against it that they deem necessary. That's basic logic.

You are also free to be a hypocrite. In your first sentance you decry implied disrespect and/or value judgements being made then you do exactly that!

It is not up to you to determine for others their criteria for relationships and what they should be looking for. You are indeed entitled to your personal opinions, but leave people alone in THEIR personal preferences - including those of which you diapprove. You're just going to have to get over the fact that some people have different values and desires than you. No one needs your finger-wagging pontifications when they are not breaking the law or hurting anyone.

And unless you are a credentialed mental health professional or a religious cleric, it is not a good look to deem someone deficient in self-esteem or morality. Even the new Pope said, "Who am I to judge?" when refering to homosexuals. His is a mindset you might do well to learn from.

Stop judging others for their personal preferences, and stop pathologizing others peoples' preferences as immoral simply because they don't comport with your personal values. What you are doing is hurtful and polarizing and you DO NOT have the right to be emotionally injurious to others simply because you cannot get your head around certain concepts beyond your understanding. They're just not for you.

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

And anyone who says that people don't use their looks to influence those around them must be living on another planet because attractive people of both genders absolutely use their looks to gain favor in society. So there is nothing wrong with someone who isn't deemed attractive in society to benefit from it - i.e me.

I think it's the attitude displayed by this sentence that people are taking exception at, it shows that you feel entitled. To the benefits that an attractive person brings, and, judging by your earlier posts, entitled to an attractive person themselves.

[Guest]

marki - Yes, your personal tastes are your own. And you can have whatever reasons you like. Just be cautious and be honest with the person you date, because as I said, I found it horribly degrading to be used in that way. It made me feel cheap and like my body being shown off to his friends was worth more than my personality and caring about him. In that way, you can hurt someone using them to gain social status. If they know and they don't mind, well, what two consenting adults do is their own business. So, all I recommend is caution, because it has potential to hurt another person if they aren't aware of it.

[marki]

I am not going to be involved in a relationship with an ugly person. I think most people find aesthetic attraction an important factor in a partner. Why should I not try to find a girl who is attractive?

Oh so because girls are assholes to me it is my fault somehow? Bullshit to that comment. I am nothing but polite towards girls. I go out of my way to make sure I act polite around them and they just want to be sarcastic assholes towards me, chase me with dead insects and corner me in rooms with them, dismiss my comments and talk down towards me, etc. I can't be blamed for the fact that many girls seem to get off treating me like shit. It has been that way since I was a child. So yeah don't really much appreciate that type of tone.

[Lia]

I am not going to be involved in a relationship with an ugly person. I think most people find aesthetic attraction an important factor in a partner. Why should I not try to find a girl who is attractive?

Oh so because girls are assholes to me it is my fault somehow? Bullshit to that comment. I am nothing but polite towards girls. I go out of my way to make sure I act polite around them and they just want to be sarcastic assholes towards me, chase me with dead insects and corner me in rooms with them, dismiss my comments and talk down towards me, etc. I can't be blamed for the fact that many girls seem to get off treating me like shit. It has been that way since I was a child. So yeah don't really much appreciate that type of tone.

It's not always about being "polite" or whatever. Some people just give off this...vibe. There are people who come into work all the time, and they're perfectly pleasant, but they give off this creep vibe and it makes me immediately not like them. I'm not saying this is you, or whatever, I'm saying that the comment above wasn't saying you were being impolite to other people.

[Fire & Rain]

I am not going to be involved in a relationship with an ugly person. I think most people find aesthetic attraction an important factor in a partner. Why should I not try to find a girl who is attractive?

Oh so because girls are assholes to me it is my fault somehow? Bullshit to that comment. I am nothing but polite towards girls. I go out of my way to make sure I act polite around them and they just want to be sarcastic assholes towards me, chase me with dead insects and corner me in rooms with them, dismiss my comments and talk down towards me, etc. I can't be blamed for the fact that many girls seem to get off treating me like shit. It has been that way since I was a child. So yeah don't really much appreciate that type of tone.

It's not always about being "polite" or whatever. Some people just give off this...vibe. There are people who come into work all the time, and they're perfectly pleasant, but they give off this creep vibe and it makes me immediately not like them. I'm not saying this is you, or whatever, I'm saying that the comment above wasn't saying you were being impolite to other people.

Marki, at the end of the day you can't force attraction anyway no matter how nice and polite you are just like you can't force yourself to be attracted to "ugly" girls.

[Velie]

Let's face it: being obese reduces your lifespan. I plan for the long term, and I don't want my boyfriend to die long before I will because of his unhealthy eating habits. (Of course, life is unpredictable. I could get in an accident for all I know.) Fyi, I have dated one chubby guy before (and he was working out at the time to lose weight). Also, I want a partner who leads a similar lifestyle, and will be a good example to our kids if we decide to have any.

I am not sexually attracted to people, but there are people who I consider aesthetically pleasing. (To me, good looking people are kind of like living, breathing statues to admire.) Basically, I can tell the difference between a good looking person and an ugly person. My boyfriends don't have to be actors, but I want them to take care of themselves and have good hygiene.

Nobody is perfect, though. My boyfriend is a smoker, and it definitely shows on his teeth, but other than that, he is handsome and I'm sure that I have my flaws too. The point being, I make an effort to look as good as I can, and so does he. I value that.

Also... If every girl ever has been mean to you, perhaps you should focus on finding a girl who isn't mean to you.

[Tercy]

I think what is getting under peoples skin is the implied disrespect and/or unrealistic expectations and/or value judgements being made by the OP and others who share the "trophy boy/girlfriend" mentality. As hinted at in my earlier post, I personally would contend that if you're hoping your partner will make you look good, you've probably got a few deficiencies in terms of self esteem and maybe even morality (as some have said, these are human beings we're talking about, not objects to show off and exploit).

As an aside, it cracks me up every time someone takes issue with people taking issue with things. If your argument is that people are free to do whatever they like, others are equally free to disagree with whatever they like and take whatever action against it that they deem necessary. That's basic logic.

You are also free to be a hypocrite. In your first sentance you decry implied disrespect and/or value judgements being made then you do exactly that!

It is not up to you to determine for others their criteria for relationships and what they should be looking for. You are indeed entitled to your personal opinions, but leave people alone in THEIR personal preferences - including those of which you diapprove. You're just going to have to get over the fact that some people have different values and desires than you. No one needs your finger-wagging pontifications when they are not breaking the law or hurting anyone.

And unless you are a credentialed mental health professional or a religious cleric, it is not a good look to deem someone deficient in self-esteem or morality. Even the new Pope said, "Who am I to judge?" when refering to homosexuals. His is a mindset you might do well to learn from.

Stop judging others for their personal preferences, and stop pathologizing others peoples' preferences as immoral simply because they don't comport with your personal values. What you are doing is hurtful and polarizing and you DO NOT have the right to be emotionally injurious to others simply because you cannot get your head around certain concepts beyond your understanding. They're just not for you.

Bollocks.

[marki]

Should we move this to hotbox? It feels like it has headed there.

[Guest]

I see both sides to this

On the one hand, people are free to have any dating preferences that they have, even if I personally think that the preference is stupid. If you want to date girls who aren't white and who are skinny then fine. It's none of my business.

The issue people have here is that it sounds like you care more about a "pretty brown girl" than anything else. What is your ideal partner? What hobbies does she have? How do you see you guys interacting together?

So I'm going to be blunt: in short, do you see her as a person or do you only see her as a girlfriend that needs to fit your standards?

Before you say "a girlfriend is a person", here's my definitions:

Person: Has their own values and ideas and is somebody you are with because both of you make each other happy.

Girlfriend: without personhood status, they are just glorified arm candy. With personhood status they are a loving partner and will treat you the same way.

I want somebody who is dating ME not "a girl" (hell half the population is female). If I'm dating somebody exclusively then I'd like to not be "another fish in the sea". I want to be the Loch Ness Monster in that sea... you know, a bit unique. Except without always asking for tree fiddy. In fact, the best relationships I've had are the ones where being "the girlfriend" isn't that person's focus with me. When people care about the label that much, it makes it hard to distinguish if they like you or the label more.

[Zerο]

So somewhat related to this thread:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/oddnews/social-experiment-shows-what-happens-when-a-tinder-date-shows-up-looking-differnt-than-their-picture-195116293.html

The guy that was married...lol

[marki]

I don't know what girls like to do so I wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend. I just want someone to share a bed vacancy with and chat with. Also if she was able to teach me about a different culture by helping me cook stuff and all that would be cool.

So basically I want a cute personal assistant who would share cuddles with me maybe.

[Guest]

I don't know what girls like to do so I wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend. I just want someone to share a bed vacancy with and chat with. Also if she was able to teach me about a different culture by helping me cook stuff and all that would be cool.

So basically I want a cute personal assistant who would share cuddles with me maybe.

I'm going to be blunt again:

That's the problem. You aren't looking for a person, you're only looking for a girlfriend.

And I'll let you in on a secret. Girls like to do pretty much anything that guys like. We're vastly different from each other. Some like gaming, some like makeup, some like animals, some are into music, some like all or none of those things. But the thing is we're people too.

You aren't seeing that and that's why people are upset.

[Guest]

I don't know what girls like to do so I wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend. I just want someone to share a bed vacancy with and chat with. Also if she was able to teach me about a different culture by helping me cook stuff and all that would be cool.

So basically I want a cute personal assistant who would share cuddles with me maybe.

Girls are people, not some mysterious aliens from venus. They like people things, and the best way to get a girlfriend who is compatible with out is to seek out girls who enjoy the same activities as you. The fact that you've put a lot of thought into how she looks and how she'll make you look better and not into what she will be like personality wise is really problematic. Honestly, you could replace girlfriend with nice car or rolex or any other pretty object that makes people respect you in this thread and it wouldn't be that much different.

[ButtCountyDanceParty]

Don't listen to people with social agendas who don't APPROVE of your choices or your priorities. So long as you are not hurting yourself or others, you are fine. If you want a trophy girlfriend, that is fine too. Women sometimes have trophy boyfriends and it happens all the time.

I get really angry with pontificating people who feel they have to approve of a man's choices in women. It is all up to you to decide, and be sure you do it without apology.

Except he started a thread just to ask he was an asshole based on his views of women ...

[ButtCountyDanceParty]

I think what is getting under peoples skin is the implied disrespect and/or unrealistic expectations and/or value judgements being made by the OP and others who share the "trophy boy/girlfriend" mentality. As hinted at in my earlier post, I personally would contend that if you're hoping your partner will make you look good, you've probably got a few deficiencies in terms of self esteem and maybe even morality (as some have said, these are human beings we're talking about, not objects to show off and exploit).

As an aside, it cracks me up every time someone takes issue with people taking issue with things. If your argument is that people are free to do whatever they like, others are equally free to disagree with whatever they like and take whatever action against it that they deem necessary. That's basic logic.

... You're just going to have to get over the fact that some people have different values and desires than you. No one needs your finger-wagging pontifications when they are not breaking the law or hurting anyone. ...

I ... I just can't even handle all this meta.

[ButtCountyDanceParty]

Oh so because girls are assholes to me it is my fault somehow? ... I am nothing but polite towards girls.

Let's face it: being obese reduces your lifespan. I plan for the long term, and I don't want my boyfriend to die long before I will because of his unhealthy eating habits. ...

Nobody is perfect, though. My boyfriend is a smoker ...

Also... If every girl ever has been mean to you, perhaps you should focus on finding a girl who isn't mean to you.

I think some of you need to see these parts of your posts closer together. Although those sentences in marki's post were literally one sentence away from each other.

[Guest]

Don't listen to people with social agendas who don't APPROVE of your choices or your priorities. So long as you are not hurting yourself or others, you are fine. If you want a trophy girlfriend, that is fine too. Women sometimes have trophy boyfriends and it happens all the time.

I get really angry with pontificating people who feel they have to approve of a man's choices in women. It is all up to you to decide, and be sure you do it without apology.

Except he started a thread just to ask he was an asshole based on his views of women ...

This ^^^^

I think some people here, including the OP, have forgotten that this thread is titled 'OKC and am I just being an ***hole?'

[Guest]

Let's face it: being obese reduces your lifespan. I plan for the long term, and I don't want my boyfriend to die long before I will because of his unhealthy eating habits. (Of course, life is unpredictable. I could get in an accident for all I know.) Fyi, I have dated one chubby guy before (and he was working out at the time to lose weight). Also, I want a partner who leads a similar lifestyle, and will be a good example to our kids if we decide to have any.

I am not sexually attracted to people, but there are people who I consider aesthetically pleasing. (To me, good looking people are kind of like living, breathing statues to admire.) Basically, I can tell the difference between a good looking person and an ugly person. My boyfriends don't have to be actors, but I want them to take care of themselves and have good hygiene.

Nobody is perfect, though. My boyfriend is a smoker, and it definitely shows on his teeth, but other than that, he is handsome and I'm sure that I have my flaws too. The point being, I make an effort to look as good as I can, and so does he. I value that.

Also... If every girl ever has been mean to you, perhaps you should focus on finding a girl who isn't mean to you.

smoking also decreases lifespan, at least that's what I've heard. :o

[Neurula]

Okay.......so my friends are all on OK Cupid and I thought why not give it a go. My problem is that it seems like there are nothing but really big girls on that site in my area. I know it must be tough being a larger girl and all but it just is driving me insane that there are like zero girls who aren't huge on that site. Is it normal for online dating sites to be like that? Is it weird that because I don't want sex I am even more picky about the looks of a partner? I want someone attractive because it makes me feel better to be seen with a beautiful girl, people treat you better and they give you more respect it feels like if you are around attractive girls.

So am I an asshole for feeling that way?

This is actually one of the most obnoxious things I have ever read on AVEN. You asked for my opinion on whether you're an asshole, right? Well I think that's a trick question because I don't think I'm allowed to call members assholes.

[marki]

I'm not an asshole because I have standards. Basically this post has reminded me once again how much I really don't like people in general. I love being a misanthrope.

So screw it I'll just keep single for the rest of my life because obviously I must be a horrible person for wanting a girl who likes me and looks nice at the same time.....seriously wtf is wrong with people not reading the words I wrote and being able to understand them? Where did I say that a girl doesn't have to be compatible with me? What part of all of my previous posts have not made that clear? When people don't know how to logically read what had been put down and become all emotional and angry about 2 or 3 words in the entire paragraph and then get ranty based on this improper reading of the post it makes me want to stay as far away from other people as possible.

Logic = good.

Emotions = impediment to logic.

[Rising Sun]

Hi Marki, how are you ?

What you said makes me think : are you sure that what you want is a romantic relationship ? I mean, what you're telling sounds more like some kind of friends with non-sexual benefits, I'm thinking about roommates who are also cuddle buddies.

If you're attracted by a very small number of women, maybe you will need to enlarge your search area. I think that you might want to open your research to other countries. So you can find a woman who wants to emigrate to the US or you can emigrate to another country that you like. As you like to travel, it would be stupid to miss this possibility.

Now, about size : the "average" healthy woman doesn't wear size 5. Size 5 isn't even curvy, it's skinny. Really. The average size for female clothes in France is 40, which is equal to size 10 (statistics have confirmed it, and everybody knows that French women are skinny compared with American women). Size 12 is for curvy women, and large sizes start at 14 here. I'll add that until a few years ago, adult clothes under size 6 didn't even exist in France, except in specialized stores, because of course, there are women who are naturally built to wear smaller sizes, but this is very rare. The vast majority of adult women who wear size 4, size 2 or size 0 are more than skinny, they're underweight because of a disease or anorexia.

oh and, yes I am in a relationship :P I am only still on ok cupid because 1) my profile is awesome and I don't want to delete it and 2) I am looking for platonic friendships nothing more :)

Really, you can find many friends through OK Cupid ? Would you recommend this site to find friends or pen pals ?

[Velie]

Let's face it: being obese reduces your lifespan. I plan for the long term, and I don't want my boyfriend to die long before I will because of his unhealthy eating habits. (Of course, life is unpredictable. I could get in an accident for all I know.) Fyi, I have dated one chubby guy before (and he was working out at the time to lose weight). Also, I want a partner who leads a similar lifestyle, and will be a good example to our kids if we decide to have any.

I am not sexually attracted to people, but there are people who I consider aesthetically pleasing. (To me, good looking people are kind of like living, breathing statues to admire.) Basically, I can tell the difference between a good looking person and an ugly person. My boyfriends don't have to be actors, but I want them to take care of themselves and have good hygiene.

Nobody is perfect, though. My boyfriend is a smoker, and it definitely shows on his teeth, but other than that, he is handsome and I'm sure that I have my flaws too. The point being, I make an effort to look as good as I can, and so does he. I value that.

Also... If every girl ever has been mean to you, perhaps you should focus on finding a girl who isn't mean to you.

smoking also decreases lifespan, at least that's what I've heard. :o

You don't say, lol! I forgot to mention in my post that he's trying to quit, fortunately. :)

What I'm trying to say with that is that nobody is going to match your 'criteria' 100%, ever. It's okay to give people a chance who aren't brown or skinny, or only one of those, or trying to lose weight, etc. Or you may bump into someone who matches none of those, but makes up for it with something else. People are diverse.

I had no idea what my boyfriend looked like when I developed a crush on him. (We met playing a video game on the internet.) Personality is definitely the most important factor.

[marki]

Rising Sun - it isn't really a good site for finding friends I feel like. Maybe I am aromantic. I don't really know.

Actually I'm going to be moving to turkey for the year so maybe being in a different culture where most of the girls meet my aesthetic preferences will help make it easier to find a girl ( or girls) who stimulate me on a mental note and make me happy. J'adore les femmes français pour le plupart car elles sont très sympa que des femmes ici aux É.U. I loved being overseas because the girls seemed so much nicer and less about trying to change a person and more about liking a person for who they were. Go Europe!

The reason I want a girl who isn't like me is because I would be bored being with a girl like that. I don't really want a girl to be intimate with and if she is from the same culture and background as myself I would run out very quickly with things to do with her. If I'm with a cute girl from a different background then I won't be bored because she can teach me all sorts of new things. I'd love a cute girl to help me learn a new language or teach me about something different. That is why I want a girl in the first place.

[Panther Shark]

I am someone who needs an emotional connection before I feel some sort of romantic attraction. I did see my bf before I even felt any sort of attraction to him. We both just grew emotionally close. We aren't skinny, or models. To be honest I don't care about all that.

You came off as asshole-ish. I think people understand that you are not attractive to bigger girls. But the way you want to treat a human being. Thats where they are mad.

Though, I am sure there are plenty of women out there that would be that trophy wife/girlfriend in your criteria.