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butterflydreams

sex averse/repulsed/favorable/indifferent/muffins?

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butterflydreams

So, one of the hardest things for me to figure out about myself and my asexuality is the physical act of sex. I'm in my mid 20s, and I've never had any sexual contact of any kind with anyone. Holding hands (which was uncomfortable) is the only thing with which I can say I have actual experience--with anyone (male, female, anyone).

As an abstract idea, I feel like sex is something I'd say, "yes, absolutely!" to. But the more specific it gets, add someone I know IRL into it, add myself...things change real quick. I never even thought about this when I was younger because I had always been thinking in the "yes, absolutely!" abstract mode.

The hangup I have, to put it bluntly, is that I'm scared shitless of having sex with someone. I can't even believe I'm to the point where I can admit that to internet strangers, to say nothing of myself, but it's true. I'm not scared of pregnancy, or STIs, or anything objective. I don't know what I'm scared of, I just know that I am.

The concept of sex (even with myself involved) doesn't feel repulsive. I can handle the mental image pretty well. Though the feelings I get if I let it sit too long aren't what I'd describe as pleasant.

I don't think I'm averse to it. I still feel like given the right opportunity (and god only knows what this would be), I'd be onboard (I think).

Favorable doesn't seem right, since I'm definitely not seeking it, and with the handful of potential partners over the years, you could've ctrl+f my entire brain and not found once instance of the word "sex" related to them.

So does that mean I'm indifferent? A kind of take-it-or-leave-it situation? This is where I've tentatively settled myself at the moment, though indifference just doesn't seem to capture the fear I have.

In the back of my mind though, there's a little tiny voice saying, "you're only scared because you haven't done it. You're scared because you don't know." I just don't look at this "fear" the same way as I look at say, my genuine fear of roller coasters (never want to, never will). It's more like my fear of flying an airplane (very interested in trying, but unknown elements make me hesitate). But neither of those are perfect analogies.

Has anyone else ever felt this way? Or been confused about this? Or am I just sex muffins (pumpkin spice, naturally ;))

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kelico

Hmm. Perhaps "indifferent" would be the best description? Or maybe "slightly averse, but mostly indifferent." I can relate somewhat to what you're talking about. Especially when you said, "But the more specific it gets, add someone I know IRL into it, add myself...things change real quick." Fantasies and such are ok in my imagination for a little bit, but the second it actually becomes more like reality...the less comfortable it is. I'm sex-repulsed in some respects but not in everything. I just don't bother with analyzing it too much. Just go with what you're comfortable with right now. If you're mostly indifferent, then that's fine! If in the future you have that moment where you're definitely repulsed or not by sex, then you can change your idea of yourself, but don't worry about it. : )

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butterflydreams

Yeah, I'm not really focused on it in a worrying about what to call it sense. It's just interesting to me. Like I said, when you're in that abstract mode for so long, and suddenly start thinking in specific mode, it's a big change. But it's definitely one I'm glad to have gone through. I wish schools and sex ed would do so much more to allow for that kind of introspective thought.

Either way, I'm glad that I've noticed at the very least that there is some fear there, and plenty of confusion. That alone I think will help inform how I go about things if/when they happen.

I've seen so many things that say you don't have to do it to know how you feel, and while I believe that's definitely true for many people, I feel like I have to do it to know. I don't think that doing so would be bad, or cause me too much distress, so that helps.

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Amatista

Online definition sites say Genophobia is fear of sexual intercourse. Erotophobia is more general, so its fear of things related to sex. It sounds like you could be sex indifferent, but when I think of indifferent I think "meh, whatever. it's nothing special" If you do feel like that, its indifferent.

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butterflydreams

Hmm, those are interesting terms, I wasn't even aware of them, thanks! It would be so much easier if each of us came with our own Haynes Manual. :D

Indifference certainly feels easiest. Reminds me of a quote from the Simpsons where Bart and Lisa are talking to Homer about generation x:

Bart: we're the MTV generation, nothing upsets us.

Lisa: we feel neither highs nor lows.

Homer: really? What's it like?

Lisa: meh...

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Heleasher

What you describe sounds every similar to me. I often think that I'd have no problem doing it for my partner and thinking about it in the abstract isn't a problem, but if I start trying to think of it on a serious level with real people etc. I soon find myself recoiling from the idea. At the moment I consider myself on the sex indifferent/sex adverse border, but until I'm in that situation I won't know what I'll be comfortable with. The only problem I find with this is that if I do ever get into a relationship that has the potential to lead to sex, it makes it very difficult to talk about what I may or may not be comfortable with.

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butterflydreams

What you describe sounds every similar to me. I often think that I'd have no problem doing it for my partner and thinking about it in the abstract isn't a problem, but if I start trying to think of it on a serious level with real people etc. I soon find myself recoiling from the idea. At the moment I consider myself on the sex indifferent/sex adverse border, but until I'm in that situation I won't know what I'll be comfortable with. The only problem I find with this is that if I do ever get into a relationship that has the potential to lead to sex, it makes it very difficult to talk about what I may or may not be comfortable with.

But because you're aware of how you feel, at least you can go into it with that perspective. I think that's really valuable. Anyone who's not willing to communicate clearly with you about that stuff probably isn't the best person to be with anyway.

I think just being self aware when you get into that situation will help it be a learning experience, and help you find what you're comfortable with. Good luck!

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Heleasher

That's very true, and I know that when/if I get into that kind of situation I'll try to be as open as I possibly can, and do my best to communicate, but I admit that I am nervous about the concept of dating (fairly sure I'm aromantic but I feel like I would like to experiment with dating if only to know for certain it's not for me) so this feels like another barrier to me as I'm hung up on the idea that I'd be 'leading someone on' and not be able to reciprocate etc. I'm aware this is a stupid way to think, but it doesn't stop me worrying about it.

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butterflydreams

You can't stop someone from feeling led on, that's how they feel. You might be able to mitigate it by being open and upfront as soon as possible. I have no idea where I am romantic wise, and I don't think I've led too many people on, though with a few I did feel bad. It happens. That's life. All you can do is try to learn from your mistakes and experiences. If you're doing your best to be open and clear, that's all you can do. Some people are always going to feel led on, and that's not your fault.

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Heleasher

Hence why I know it's stupid way to feel and wish I would stop. xD

Thank you though. Like many things I think I over analyse far too much, and I'm sure it would be very different if I was actually in that situation because, as you said, anyone not willing to communicate about it wouldn't be for me anyway.

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Zash

I am fine with sex, as long is it is something that happens to other people. I personally don't want to get involved. I could not picture myself having sex. Just... ew. And it is a bit terrifying... I can kinda put a finger on what worries me...

Spoilered for potential ick.

There is a movie, (I can't recall what it is called now) where the hero had to do a test of bravery. The test was to put his arm into a hole where it might be chopped off... I kinda flash back to that when I think of sex, and yeah... Especially oral... I mean, there are teeth in there... That would hurt.

But, generally, is not a risk/reward gamble I would take.

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BluebirdOfHappiness

This topic really resonated with me. I've always thought, "yes, absolutely," when I thought about having sex. The idea of sex is attractive to me and I am not repulsed at all. I've always wanted to do it with someone special and have the whole hearts and stars and fireworks and etc. that you are supposed to feel about it. I was just waiting for that special person and finally had to concede that if no one, on three continents, from dozens of countries, male or female had made me feel anything...it wasn't going to happen. My big fear with sex is defined, unlike yours. My fear is that I'll have sex with someone and not feel anything. I kissed a guy in a bar once when I was drunk because I wanted to kiss someone and I felt nothing. It was just awkward and wet and terrible. Now, the worst thing that I can think of is to meet someone great and fall in love and try to have sex with them and not enjoy it at all.I think that if I really loved someone, it would be enough to make him feel good and make him happy, but I'm terrified of finding out that I hate it.

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Fire & Rain

Same here. Fictional sex SEEMS so intriguing and exciting but touching another person sexually or being touched sexually FEELS very unnatural and awkward. It's like when you saw an overly hyped movie that you were hoping to be mind blowing and came back disappointed. I think we are assuming we will enjoy sex by imagining a sexual experience that most people enjoy. The reality is we don't. I only enjoy it through other people's eyes. That's how i understand it anyway :)

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butterflydreams

I think we are assuming we will enjoy sex by imagining a sexual experience that most people enjoy. The reality is we don't.

I think this describes it really well. For me, I know I still won't know for sure whether or not I enjoy it until I try it. I'm pretty sure I can do that though. Some people might not have that option, and that's ok too.

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