Romantics: what does romantic attraction/love feel like?

[Guest]

When chatting to other aromantics and reading threads on here I've found that there seems to be a general confusion about what romance actually is, and how to identify it. So I was wondering, could some of you who have experience with romance try to simply describe what it is like for you? (If it is possible to simplify such things )

I few questions that I've been specifically wondering about:

What does romantic attraction feel like? Is there some physical sensation/feeling involved? Does this change when things develop from attraction into romantic love? With sex taken out of the equation, how do you differentiate between close friendship and romance (there is a recent thread on this subject) ? Sorry about making the "no sex" assumption, if you do have sex with your SO despite being asexual, feel free to discuss that too :)

Cheers ^_^

[Copper]

This is something I would like to know as well. Also, if any romantics have experienced both crushes and squishes, could you explain how they feel different from each other?

[Hooded_Crow]

Well, it's a bit difficult to describe.

I'd say there's definitely a physical reaction. For me it sort of ressembles the impression of falling you sometimes get when you're about to get to sleep, but in a much softer degree and constant. That feeling would occur while thinking of my relationship with the person, or just the person.

I also get a desire to put that person before others. If they need me I'll drop everything else. There's also the thinking about them a lot and the desire for exclusivity.

As a demiromantic, I don't get romantic attraction before love. I get love before romantic attraction. It's like: friendship --> strong friendship --> very strong friendship --> love --> in love.

Don't know if that helps. :)

[Maria92]

Romantic here. I don't really get squishes or crushes, but when I do fall for someone, it's like..."I really want to cuddle this person, and show them how much I care, and bake them chocolate chip cookies and stuff." That's how I distinguish it from close friendships, at least. With friends, it's more like "Yay you're awesome, let's hang out and go do fun things, because you're interesting!" With romantic attraction, there's a very strong nurture instinct that comes out, at least in my case.

There is sort of a physical sensation that goes along with this. I tend to get a tingling sensation around my heart when the feelings are reciprocated, and it's most evident when doing something like cuddling. This manifests much more clearly once attraction becomes love, and there are moments when the depth of my love is such that it physically hurts my heart, though not in an unpleasant way.

It's when attraction becomes love that sex becomes more neutral ground, where it's more like...I don't really mind one way or another what happens. As long as it pleases my girlfriend, I don't mind sex, and sometimes even enjoy it. There are still days when I'm just absolutely not in the mood, but as long as sessions are spaced out, those seem to be few and far between. :3 I'm coming to view sex as another way to show her how much I care about her, since even though her libido is fairly low, she does enjoy sex.

*Sigh* It's all just so wonderful. ^_^

[move-the-stars-for-no-one]

I'm a lot like Maria92, but I'm a super romantic because I get crushes and squishes fast and hard.

Because it's so easy for me to just develop these feelings I've always been physically close with those I care about the most. I'm always cuddling, touching, and just surrounding myself as close as I can with the people I care about. But the emotional side of it is that being around these people calm me down. Around them I feel both uplifted and cherished while not being placed upon a pedestal because none of them are going to take my bullshit or led me in a negative direction.

I'm also polyamorous because I just don't believe love is limited for me to one. It would also help any partners I have in the future who are a little to sexual for me to handle if they have a partner, that I know about, who can provide something I'm not comfortable doing often because even though I'm gray ace I'm still low on the sex spectrum.

idk I think my explanation is horrible XD but Maria 92 and Hooded_Crow did really well explaining it.

[AlwaysADreamer]

I agree with bits of everyone's posts so far.

It's sort of that feeling you get when you are about to jump from a high place. Like you want to jump but don't at the same time.

I love my friends, and I consider some of them to be an important part of my life, and I really like surrounding myself with these people. But, the way I sort of distinguish the desire for friendship and romance is, I generally spend more time thinking about the people I am romantically attracted to, and the thoughts are sort of twinkly (I know that's not an exact term, but it's the best way to describe it). It is also accompanied by the jumping feeling. I also desire that exclusivity.

I also generally form some kind of bond with someone before there is romantic attraction, so it's sort of like they keep moving up the steps of my mind.

I know my explanations aren't very descriptive, but it's how it sort of works in my mind. Although there is evidence of similarities, everyone experiences (or doesn't experience) romantic attraction in their own way.

[Guest]

Thanks, guys, it's really interesting to hear about other people experiences with romance, especially since it took me such a long time to realise that my squishes were very different from other peoples crushes, reading this makes things much clearer (as much as such a wooley and subjective experience can be clear :D). Especially people's comments on wanting to be exclusive, I've never really understood why people desire exclusive relationships, as it never made sense in terms of what I wanted with the people I've had squishes on, and seemed very restrictive and an awful lot of effort... it's actually a little embarrassing to think that it took me so long to realise that I was experiencing something entirely different from everyone else

A few people have described physical sensations, like falling and tingling, which made me thing of how I feel when I'm reading about really moving, loving moments between couples in fiction (I'm an aro who's a closet romantic, I just love gooey romance novels ;) ). What I feel when I'm reading about an "aww" moment is a sort of tight clenching, slightly tingly, feeling in my chest, does anyone else experience something like this? Do you romantics get the same sort of feelings when you're watching of reading about romantic moments as you do when personally experiencing romance?

[Hooded_Crow]

Yes, I do get this exact feeling that you describe when reading or watching and 'aww' moment (love that expression, by the way). :) And it is quite the same feeling when experiencing romantic attraction, except it's directed at someone.

Yes, this exclusivity thing is weird because it's totally out of my control and my brain doesn't agree with it. It's like, I know it's stupid, but I really want to be the most important person in their life because they're the most important person in mine. I want a priviledge. Some extra intimacy that they don't give other people. For me, love is between two people (even though my brain is screaming at me that it's not necessarily true, I wouldn't personally be comfortable in another setting).

But I imagine that polyamorous people don't have that desire for exclusivity. :)

I also totally relate to the 'moving up the steps of my mind' expression. I think it's very well put.

[AlwaysADreamer]

I do get those clench feelings in my chest (those "aww" moments), but a bit more amplified when I have a "crush" on someone because it's accompanied by a nervousness and fear of rejection. Going back to what I said in my previous post, that clenching (for me) is that desire to jump, like when you see/read those aww moments. That nervousness is what's saying, "Don't jump."

Oh, and if you like to read about lovey stuff, lovegivesmehope.com has a bunch of short posts about people's loves and such. So many aww moments :)

[Guest]

Becoming obsessed with a person (for reasons I can't even rationally understand) to the point of being unable to hold a clear though for long enough to read more than a page or two of a book before my thoughts end up with them again... seeing everything in my life related to them as the core and center of my universe... ceasing to exist as an independent person, and instead emotionally melding into a symbiosis with them... because of this, an existentially urgent drive to keep them in my life at all cost... feeling completely powerless against these overwhelmingly strong emotions, even when I manage to cling to enough sanity to see how utterly f***ed up these feelings are.

Basically, becoming the very stereotype of a creepy stalker.

Three guesses at why I'm so grateful and happy that medication made me effectively aro six-and-a-half years ago.

[Capslock Cadet]

It's surprisingly hard to put this into words. I guess I have this one moment when I just realized I was interested in my current partner romantically. We had been friends for quite some time, and we'd gone to their place after work, just making dinner, watching a movie we both like, and spent a looong time talking. I basically had to run to catch the last train home, and they ran by my side to the platform. I just remember this moment of looking up once we finally stopped to catch our breath, and I was about to say something, but I looked into their eyes and I instantly lost my train of thought (ha-ha, pun not intended).

For some reason this moment just... got to me, and I remember thinking "oh, okay, shit", because I suddenly knew that I wouldn't mind spending most days with them, and that I wanted to be closer to them than we had previously been in our relationship. Suddenly we had this... thing, and it was kind of huge and overwhelming, and neither of us spoke a word until the train arrived, because being silent together just worked.

This is honestly the best example I have of romantic attraction. It's really hard to describe it for me, because it's usually friendships that just, well, deepen.