How to be asexual? Version 2

[AdrianR]

Hey guys, I'm a new poster here, and I found frodrigo's post. I appreciate your inputs on the subject of sexual people wanting to become asexual. The thing is, I'm a guy with the same problem as frodrigo - I just can't have a relationship with any women. I have Asperger's syndrome, which is a type of autism, so basically I am unable to understand emotions and other people's body language, all the non-verbal stuff. This means it is basically impossible for me to connect with anyone on a sexual or emotional level. Also, my personality type according to the test they do is an INTJ which means I am pretty unsensing and unfeeling as a person. What all this means is that I could never have a girlfriend, even if I wanted to, and trust me, I love women and find them unbelievably sexually attractive, as any normal man would. But, women really don't like me and find me very unattractive on every level because they think I'm completely stupid, boring and just a SOB that you've got to avoid at all costs. So, finally I realised that I would like to become asexual, because I live in constant emotional pain because of the fact that I can never be in love with someone "in that way", even though I want to, so badly. If I can become asexual, I'm sure I would no longer feel any of this pain, because I would have no reason to. I know it sounds stupid, it's like someone with hands saying he would rather have hooks, but I mean if your hands have a mind of their own and keep causing you to murder people, wouldn't you want to get rid of them? Also, nobody would ever understand my life and be able to live in it's emptiness, all brought about by my condition. I am as abnormal as they come. I just can't force somebody to share that life with me - could you imagine the poor woman having to live with me? She'll probably hang herself after a year of being with me. I know I sound like a horrible and ungrateful person, but it would help me if I could somehow maybe bring asexuality about in my life, because then I can stop obsessing about relationships, past and present.

Thank you so much for reading this guys!

Adrian

[Ultimate Truth]

To everyone who wishes that they could force themselves to be asexual: this is impossible. as many people have stated above, asexuality means that you don't feel the desire for sex.. It is not a conscious decision that you make; It is something that you discover about yourself. If you say that you feel sexual attraction, you cannot try to be asexual, instead what you CAN be is celibate. I believe that what adrian and frodrigo are looking to be is celibate. This is a conscious decision that can be made regardless of how you feel about sex.

[Heart]

This thread has been split off from the original one here to avoid derailing it.

Heart

Asexual Q&A Moderator

[Member54880]

Welcome! As others have said, you can't become asexual, but I understand your situation, because I have met other non-asexuals who don't want sex at all, and they describe having sexual feelings as a huge burden to them. I'd be willing to talk with you about these issues.

[Zash]

Also, there are people who would still date you. They just have to get to know you first. And you may have to rely on friends to help you out in the initial stages, ("Hey, dude, that girl is totally checking you out!") kind of thing. And you have to make an effort. Study body language (there are plenty of sites out there that can give you primers), and try. People (at least the good ones) appreciate the effort, and appreciate it even more if they know how difficult it is for you.

Some helpful hints courtesy of my sister in one of her attempts to help me go out and date (before she knew I was ace).

[AdrianR]

Hey all! Thank you so much for your input and advice. So, as I understand it, there is not anything mentally that I could do to bring about asexuality. I know one can be celibate, but I find it incredibly difficult to control my "urges" and I think trying to do that would probably drive me absolutely nuts, to the point where they'll come after me with white coats and a straitjacket. I just thought that if one could bring about asexuality, you won't have to try and control sexual urges constantly. My brain is really messed up and totally off the wall, I think of sex constantly, I can't walk in the street without looking at women and fantasizing about sex with them, I even forget to look where I'm walking and nearly get run over. This condition of mine makes you hideously obsessed with stuff, especially stuff you can't have, or dream of having, it's a living nightmare. I don't wish to date anyone, as I have literally nothing to share with anybody. I can be in conversation with someone and there will be a pause for 5 minutes, because I have no idea what to say to that person, what to talk about. It's basically being "non-spontaneous" and obsessive compulsive all the time - that's the best way I can describe it. Don't you guys know of any prescription drugs one could take to remove hormones or whatever that control thinking about sex? That would help very much. This is such a constant struggle for me - I'm at university, where there are thousands of young and beautiful women walking around - I can't ignore sexual feelings in this setting, it's impossible. But, along with that, I also hear the voice in my head telling me constantly "you'll never be able to have her, you'll never be able to have her too, her too, her too..." everywhere I look around and see girls. I have severe depression because of this already and can't take it anymore.

Thanks so much for reading, guys!

All the best, Adrian

[marki]

Nope you can't become asexual.

[Zenepheon]

Hey all! Thank you so much for your input and advice. So, as I understand it, there is not anything mentally that I could do to bring about asexuality. I know one can be celibate, but I find it incredibly difficult to control my "urges" and I think trying to do that would probably drive me absolutely nuts, to the point where they'll come after me with white coats and a straitjacket. I just thought that if one could bring about asexuality, you won't have to try and control sexual urges constantly. My brain is really messed up and totally off the wall, I think of sex constantly, I can't walk in the street without looking at women and fantasizing about sex with them, I even forget to look where I'm walking and nearly get run over. This condition of mine makes you hideously obsessed with stuff, especially stuff you can't have, or dream of having, it's a living nightmare. I don't wish to date anyone, as I have literally nothing to share with anybody. I can be in conversation with someone and there will be a pause for 5 minutes, because I have no idea what to say to that person, what to talk about. It's basically being "non-spontaneous" and obsessive compulsive all the time - that's the best way I can describe it. Don't you guys know of any prescription drugs one could take to remove hormones or whatever that control thinking about sex? That would help very much. This is such a constant struggle for me - I'm at university, where there are thousands of young and beautiful women walking around - I can't ignore sexual feelings in this setting, it's impossible. But, along with that, I also hear the voice in my head telling me constantly "you'll never be able to have her, you'll never be able to have her too, her too, her too..." everywhere I look around and see girls. I have severe depression because of this already and can't take it anymore.

Thanks so much for reading, guys!

All the best, Adrian

That's really the whole problem right there, we don't have those urges >_< and that's equally something we can't control :/

[AdrianR]

Hey all! Thank you so much for your input and advice. So, as I understand it, there is not anything mentally that I could do to bring about asexuality. I know one can be celibate, but I find it incredibly difficult to control my "urges" and I think trying to do that would probably drive me absolutely nuts, to the point where they'll come after me with white coats and a straitjacket. I just thought that if one could bring about asexuality, you won't have to try and control sexual urges constantly. My brain is really messed up and totally off the wall, I think of sex constantly, I can't walk in the street without looking at women and fantasizing about sex with them, I even forget to look where I'm walking and nearly get run over. This condition of mine makes you hideously obsessed with stuff, especially stuff you can't have, or dream of having, it's a living nightmare. I don't wish to date anyone, as I have literally nothing to share with anybody. I can be in conversation with someone and there will be a pause for 5 minutes, because I have no idea what to say to that person, what to talk about. It's basically being "non-spontaneous" and obsessive compulsive all the time - that's the best way I can describe it. Don't you guys know of any prescription drugs one could take to remove hormones or whatever that control thinking about sex? That would help very much. This is such a constant struggle for me - I'm at university, where there are thousands of young and beautiful women walking around - I can't ignore sexual feelings in this setting, it's impossible. But, along with that, I also hear the voice in my head telling me constantly "you'll never be able to have her, you'll never be able to have her too, her too, her too..." everywhere I look around and see girls. I have severe depression because of this already and can't take it anymore.

Thanks so much for reading, guys!

All the best, Adrian

That's really the whole problem right there, we don't have those urges >_< and that's equally something we can't control :/

OK, I understand a bit better now. Thanks for that. I've got to ask, I know it's probably a stupid question and I apologize for my ignorance, but do you then sometimes wish you could feel these things?

[Zenepheon]

Hey all! Thank you so much for your input and advice. So, as I understand it, there is not anything mentally that I could do to bring about asexuality. I know one can be celibate, but I find it incredibly difficult to control my "urges" and I think trying to do that would probably drive me absolutely nuts, to the point where they'll come after me with white coats and a straitjacket. I just thought that if one could bring about asexuality, you won't have to try and control sexual urges constantly. My brain is really messed up and totally off the wall, I think of sex constantly, I can't walk in the street without looking at women and fantasizing about sex with them, I even forget to look where I'm walking and nearly get run over. This condition of mine makes you hideously obsessed with stuff, especially stuff you can't have, or dream of having, it's a living nightmare. I don't wish to date anyone, as I have literally nothing to share with anybody. I can be in conversation with someone and there will be a pause for 5 minutes, because I have no idea what to say to that person, what to talk about. It's basically being "non-spontaneous" and obsessive compulsive all the time - that's the best way I can describe it. Don't you guys know of any prescription drugs one could take to remove hormones or whatever that control thinking about sex? That would help very much. This is such a constant struggle for me - I'm at university, where there are thousands of young and beautiful women walking around - I can't ignore sexual feelings in this setting, it's impossible. But, along with that, I also hear the voice in my head telling me constantly "you'll never be able to have her, you'll never be able to have her too, her too, her too..." everywhere I look around and see girls. I have severe depression because of this already and can't take it anymore.

Thanks so much for reading, guys!

All the best, Adrian

That's really the whole problem right there, we don't have those urges >_< and that's equally something we can't control :/

OK, I understand a bit better now. Thanks for that. I've got to ask, I know it's probably a stupid question and I apologize for my ignorance, but do you then sometimes wish you could feel these things?

-waves it off- oh, no its perfectly okay to ask, thats what this forum is about. I can't speak for everyone, but I personally wouldn't change it. I used to wish I was more into sex when I thought I was the only one who felt this way, before I knew asexuality was a thing, but now that I do know, I'm perfectly fine with how I feel/don't feel about sex ^^

[AdrianR]

Thanks for that. I kind of get where you're coming from. I mentioned earlier that I had Asperger's syndrome, which basically means I am socially incapable. As a result, I have/had no friends/girlfriends, but you know what, I wouldn't change that for the world. I am the way I am. I'm "abnormal" (according to other people) and I accept it like that. I mean, OK, sure, I've got a problem with my sex life, as I burn with desire but can't "marry" (kind of a Bible quote from Paul I think) and it would be cool to just get control of that, hence my interest in asexuality. My condition is a personality problem, which would probably mean that I would never marry, so it would be very helpful for me to be asexual, so I don't have that constant desire to want to have sex. I don't have a sexual problem - all my hormones, etc. work fine, but I've got a "marriage" problem because I can't do relationships. So, there is this conflict, if you know what I mean, and it's very taxing on one's psyche.

[Zenepheon]

I am familiar with Aspergers, i'm not certain how that makes you incapable of a relationship o.o I was in a relationship with someone with Aspergers. It didn't work because of the asexual/sexual gap that i wasn't aware of yet >.> Besides that, many asexuals want a relationship with another asexual because they share a common thought process, perhaps you should look for another person with aspergers as well? o.o

[Wolfjackle]

You said you have depression, right? There are some depression meds that can help suppress your libido. If you want to pm me and talk about what you have tried/may be on, you can. I'm a pharmacy student in my final year of classes, so I may be able to help. Psych meds aren't my best subject, but I can definitely help you look up information. Then you can talk to your doctor(s) about what might be best for you if you want to try switching something/starting. Unfortunately, most doctors won't just put you on something just to suppress your libido for no other reason.

As for the question if I wish I was sexual? Maybe. I want a husband (wife?) and kids one day. And it's somewhat a concern for the future if I'll be able to find that. But I'm legitimately happy the way I am. I definitely wouldn't want an overactive libido. Not just from your testimonial (that sounds awful, good luck with everything!), but from what I've seen of social media and stuff. So, I think asexuality is better than some of the alternatives, though I'd definitely have at least one less concern if I wasn't. *shrug* End of the day, I'm happy the way I am and wouldn't really change it. Good luck with everything!

[AdrianR]

Hi Zenepheon, the Asperger's syndrome (AS) can be quite different in many people, with various degrees of what they call "functioning". I'm also suffering from depression and witnessing my parents' loveless and rocky marriage when I was a kid finally put me off relationships for good - also being an only child doesn't help, I internalized everything. I think trying to find someone of the opposite sex with the same condition would probably be one of the most difficult things in all the history of mankind LOL :lol:, just because of how socially incapable we are (or I am at least), and the fact that we avoid trying to meet new people most of the time, and that people just find us weird - even somebody with AS would find somebody else with AS weird and avoid them!

To Wolfjackle, yes I have quite severe depression, but I'm not taking meds because I don't really believe in it. But, it's worth a shot I suppose. The thing is, my psychologists also told me to go and get meds for my AS to be "normal" as a person and I began to think about it, and thought to myself - their "normal" and my "normal" is not the same and never will be. My life is abnormal to others but nothing feels more normal to me than my own life. I have lived a life of solitude and depravity all this time, and I know nothing else. I have weird talents and abilities that I would never give up for anything in the world. The only reason I'm depressed is because lately (well the last couple of years in fact) I have to fit in to the structures designed by the rest of the normal world, and have failed miserably every single time. There is so much pressure to be desirable, and loved by everyone around you, and to be socially acceptable to others. But what if you just aren't ? This was never a problem for me, because at school, or home, or university I could just lock myself in a room and do all the things that made me happy, mostly my academic work. But, at university I naturally progressed up the academic ladder into a master's degree and now a PhD, and now I have to adapt my talents and abilities to fit the needs of the world and my colleagues. I'm so depressed because I now hate what I do, and have begun to hate myself for being so incompatible with the rest of the world. But, you may ask, how does this relate to asexuality? Well, when you're like me and in the situation you are in, you are not well liked by others, especially the opposite sex. You see I still have all the natural attractions to girls just like every other regular guy, but I can't do anything with it, because I can't connect with any girl. I'm also unattractive because I lack confidence in myself and I am socially, a moron. I would not be able to string two sentences together to speak with her, and girls just find me so weird, and many have told me they are actually afraid of me. But, I have sexual needs that need to be fulfilled, like any normal person. That is why I wish to "take myself out of the game" if you know what I mean so that it's no longer an issue. But, as many have said, for a sexual person it is impossible.

Sorry for the long post guys, but it's difficult trying to put into words what I'm going through.

All the best, Adrian.

[Wolfjackle]

Adrian, I can understand where you are coming from. A med for AS may not be the best thing for you. I can give you some facts about anti-depressants, if you want. They won't change your personality, but just make you happier/more content about your situation. You don't have to be on them for life, but if you are going to be having trouble for >6 weeks, you can definitely start one. Many are cheap, and you can even find some on the $4 list at local pharmacies (Walmart, some grocery stores, depends what's around you). So if you don't have insurance, you should still be able to afford them. Side effects are generally mild, except for during the first week or two when you start. But at that point it may just be headache, insomnia, or GI upset. That is also the period where increased depression/thoughts of suicide occur that you hear about on TV. But those effects generally only bother young adults (teens-24 or so). And even then, there is little correlation with actual increased suicidality. The stigma against them has faded out of much of modern culture (at least from what I've seen), though it does still exist among some more conservative families. They also have an additional benefit and can sometimes help with anxiety disorders/panic attacks. SSRI's tend to have a pretty strong impact on libido as well, and are generally the cheapest options. These include meds like Prozac (fluoxetine), Zoloft (sertraline), and Celexa (citalopram). There's others, but these tend to be the cheaper options.

Of course, end of the day, if you don't feel comfortable taking anything, you really don't have to. Sometimes, people can exacerbate side effects by expecting them to be awful, or the mind can convince itself the drug is not working so you don't get any benefit. I just work with this stuff all the time, so I like to make sure people really know what these drugs can do and why they can be helpful. Drugs alone may not produce the best possible results, but drugs + talk therapy tend to have the best outcomes than either alone. Then, once you become more satisfied with the way your life is going, you can always try and get off of them. You doctor will likely try to work with you, and if he doesn't you should find a new one. ;)

Any further questions, feel free to ask. I know you didn't ask for this info, but I just can't help but give it sometimes.

[AdrianR]

Not a problem :) in fact I thank you for sharing the information. I think my problem is more actually just finding things again that I love doing, that is something that has been missing now for 2 years or so. But it's difficult, because of how you feel you don't wish to do anything, just getting over that is so difficult. But, I know if I can sort that out, that would make me happier again and when I'm happy I find that I tend to be more in control too for some reason.

[Zash]

Adrian, I can understand where you are coming from. A med for AS may not be the best thing for you. I can give you some facts about anti-depressants, if you want. They won't change your personality, but just make you happier/more content about your situation. You don't have to be on them for life, but if you are going to be having trouble for >6 weeks, you can definitely start one. Many are cheap, and you can even find some on the $4 list at local pharmacies (Walmart, some grocery stores, depends what's around you). So if you don't have insurance, you should still be able to afford them. Side effects are generally mild, except for during the first week or two when you start. But at that point it may just be headache, insomnia, or GI upset. That is also the period where increased depression/thoughts of suicide occur that you hear about on TV. But those effects generally only bother young adults (teens-24 or so). And even then, there is little correlation with actual increased suicidality. The stigma against them has faded out of much of modern culture (at least from what I've seen), though it does still exist among some more conservative families. They also have an additional benefit and can sometimes help with anxiety disorders/panic attacks. SSRI's tend to have a pretty strong impact on libido as well, and are generally the cheapest options. These include meds like Prozac (fluoxetine), Zoloft (sertraline), and Celexa (citalopram). There's others, but these tend to be the cheaper options.

Of course, end of the day, if you don't feel comfortable taking anything, you really don't have to. Sometimes, people can exacerbate side effects by expecting them to be awful, or the mind can convince itself the drug is not working so you don't get any benefit. I just work with this stuff all the time, so I like to make sure people really know what these drugs can do and why they can be helpful. Drugs alone may not produce the best possible results, but drugs + talk therapy tend to have the best outcomes than either alone. Then, once you become more satisfied with the way your life is going, you can always try and get off of them. You doctor will likely try to work with you, and if he doesn't you should find a new one. ;)

Any further questions, feel free to ask. I know you didn't ask for this info, but I just can't help but give it sometimes.

I can also say the "increased rate of depression and suicide" warning on the medication is because people who take it have a higher rate of suicide over the general population. It's almost like they are only giving it to depressed or suicidal people or something. Oh wait, that is exactly what they are doing. But, since the rate of suicide and depression is higher with people on the medication than people who are not, it is a warning the FDA demands to be put on the box/advertising.

It's like headache medication saying "The people who take headache medication may have headaches!"

[Kevin7487]

Adrian, I can understand where you are coming from. A med for AS may not be the best thing for you. I can give you some facts about anti-depressants, if you want. They won't change your personality, but just make you happier/more content about your situation. You don't have to be on them for life, but if you are going to be having trouble for >6 weeks, you can definitely start one. Many are cheap, and you can even find some on the $4 list at local pharmacies (Walmart, some grocery stores, depends what's around you). So if you don't have insurance, you should still be able to afford them. Side effects are generally mild, except for during the first week or two when you start. But at that point it may just be headache, insomnia, or GI upset. That is also the period where increased depression/thoughts of suicide occur that you hear about on TV. But those effects generally only bother young adults (teens-24 or so). And even then, there is little correlation with actual increased suicidality. The stigma against them has faded out of much of modern culture (at least from what I've seen), though it does still exist among some more conservative families. They also have an additional benefit and can sometimes help with anxiety disorders/panic attacks. SSRI's tend to have a pretty strong impact on libido as well, and are generally the cheapest options. These include meds like Prozac (fluoxetine), Zoloft (sertraline), and Celexa (citalopram). There's others, but these tend to be the cheaper options.

Of course, end of the day, if you don't feel comfortable taking anything, you really don't have to. Sometimes, people can exacerbate side effects by expecting them to be awful, or the mind can convince itself the drug is not working so you don't get any benefit. I just work with this stuff all the time, so I like to make sure people really know what these drugs can do and why they can be helpful. Drugs alone may not produce the best possible results, but drugs + talk therapy tend to have the best outcomes than either alone. Then, once you become more satisfied with the way your life is going, you can always try and get off of them. You doctor will likely try to work with you, and if he doesn't you should find a new one. ;)

Any further questions, feel free to ask. I know you didn't ask for this info, but I just can't help but give it sometimes.

I can also say the "increased rate of depression and suicide" warning on the medication is because people who take it have a higher rate of suicide over the general population. It's almost like they are only giving it to depressed or suicidal people or something. Oh wait, that is exactly what they are doing. But, since the rate of suicide and depression is higher with people on the medication than people who are not, it is a warning the FDA demands to be put on the box/advertising.

It's like headache medication saying "The people who take headache medication may have headaches!"

Also, having a warning on the box isn't the same as protecting the public from the side effects. If you consider the evidence that certain antidepressants such as SSRIs lead to brain dysfunction and degeneration (see http://www.supplements-and-health.com/tryptophan-side-effects.html%C2'> than to brain health, it is obvious that following the evidence is what helps protect that public rather than having public health authorities protecting the pharmaceutical industry producing these products and having put on a meaningless label of these products.

[WhenSummersGone]

I feel the same way about my interest in dating. I have people issues and sometimes I think it would be easier to be aromantic. I feel I just have to accept this even though it is quite annoying.