Female-identifying, repulsed by my cis-female anatomy? (TMI)

[eskazula]

Hey, so I've recently become really really grossed out by my genitals (I have a vagina etc, and am currently cis female). Just because it makes me feel like I was put on Earth with the expectation to have sex. Which I do not plan on doing. Wiping myself when I pee, washing myself when I shower, getting slightly aroused (which mostly happens during martial arts practice), etc. I hate it. I don't want to have primary sex characteristics anymore.

But I identify solidly as female (except when I have a dissociative episode, but that's something else).

I hate children, and even if I ever change my mind, I would adopt anyway because I am morally opposed to childbirth. I'm already on estrogen supplements because of my PCOS. And I had to have my left ovary removed because of a cyst. Plus, getting my menses triggers psychotic episodes in me, and skipping my menstrual week pills raises my risk of ovarian/cervical cancer. So I kinda would really get a lot out of a hysterectomy in general, not just getting the "ick factor" out.

And I highly doubt that I'll ever want to have sex at all during my life. It just really freaks me out. I could hardly kiss my ex-boyfriend without having a panic attack/dissociative episode because it weirded me out so much.

(I'm also a sexual assault survivor, and I never want anyone to touch me that way again, hence why I just want those parts gone.)

So yeah. I pretty much want bottom surgery. But don't ID as trans. Anyone have a similar experience?

[cemeterywitch]

I do often feel very weirded out and distanced from my genitals. Even having breasts is weird to me and often wish I didn't have them.

I don't want children either. Never have.

[blossombreeze]

I feel similar about reproductive organs as you do, to a lesser extent, because both male and female parts make me feel repulsed, i don't want kids, and my periods are fucking unbearable without taking BC which has all kinds of health risks. I always identified as a girl because i have girl parts, and i feel kind of gender fluid in a way, but it makes little difference in my life since i do not want to transition to be a man either.

It makes total sense to me as to why you feel that way, especially with the unique combination of things you have to go through, and I see nothing wrong with it.

A hysterectomy, for me, is an option I'm looking at 10-20 years down the road, because I don't have the funds, and I'm sure my family would have a lot to say about it first. But i say, more power to you girl!

[Turning]

I kinda understand. I identify as and born female

I considered hysterectomy because of cysts and stuff. I am at higher risk of cancer and not to mention my uterus was causing me pain (also don't want kids). My doctor advised strongly against it as it can lead to other health problems and other pain. So you would want to weigh the risk and all the options there.

As for my breast - nothing but a pain. I would have them reduced (If I had the money).

[Kanenas]

Being a neutrum, by birth, sounds fantastic to me. Adjusting or redefining it afterwards it not ethical to my own standards and, for some reason, I have come to terms with my anatomy (more or less). I do believe this will be legal in the not so distant future, though. I never felt a sense of gender. Yet, I felt offended when someone referred to me as "it" or "they". This reaction surprised me and left me more puzzled than anything else. I never identified with the term Agender, I always called myself (gender)queer.

It's fine when others do it to themselves, but I get annoyed and angry when they start applying their binary and heteronormative propaganda to others. I am a woman, I am female by birth, but that does not mean that I have to be feminine or associate with it. I just never did. When I was younger and my parents were telling me that I'm a tomboy or that I have "boyish" hobbies, I reminded them that I'm only doing what I like - I have never looked at an activity, a piece of clothing, a haircut or anything else and associated it with boys or girls. Factories putting tags on something or people expecting certain behavior is not something that gives me doubts. At the end of the day, I am simply indifferent to all of this. Another good example of how my identify works is that I would, for example, certainly not call myself a lesbian if I had deep issues with this. I would stick to gynoromantic (and certainly not homoromantic), but somehow... It's fine. I really can't explain it.

I was born in this body and that is, I guess, okay. I'm not repulsed by the female nature of my anatomy. What really truly shook my world was when I, as a teenage girl, started to get my period. That seemed off and, honestly, scared the living crap out of me. Besides not wanting to having children and, similarly to what you mentioned, being opposed to birth itself, for the sake of convenience and pain relief, I would tie a bow on my uterus and gift it anybody who wants to have it. I'm not repulsed by being female, just feel taunted that I am awarded this "wonder of nature" every single damn month, knowing that I will never make use of it. It's also very uncomfortable for me when someone stares at my breasts or behind. But when I'm alone and this body of mine is simply the house to my mind, then all is fine.

TLDR; I don't mind having been born female, but despise the consequences of healthy female anatomy.

[boxed toast]

As a guy, I hate my anatomy as well. I don't think it's nearly as bad as what females have to go through *shudders* but it's still unpleasant. Being 'horny' at least that's what I think it's supposed to be, is painful. It happens for a few days every once and a while, and it just hurts. It also makes me question my asexuality. I feel like I'm feeling sexual attraction, but whenever I look at what I think is turning me on, it doesn't do anything. It's all just so very annoying and time wasting.

[Astrochelonian]

I spent my teenage years depressed because I was disgusted/ashamed/humiliated by periods. I was fine being a girl, I just wanted to not have a uterus. The hatred of my reproductive system got less severe over time, to the point of mostly just being an annoyance.

[~Rikki~]

I just want to point out that "bottom surgery" usually stands for either the construction of a penis, or vagina. Not usually a hysterectomy.

[mikbuster]

As a guy, I hate my anatomy as well. I don't think it's nearly as bad as what females have to go through *shudders* but it's still unpleasant. Being 'horny' at least that's what I think it's supposed to be, is painful. It happens for a few days every once and a while, and it just hurts. It also makes me question my asexuality. I feel like I'm feeling sexual attraction, but whenever I look at what I think is turning me on, it doesn't do anything. It's all just so very annoying and time wasting.

There are people with male anatomy that don't go through that :) If you have high blood pressure, spironolactone is a medication for that that is frequently used to suppress testosterone effects, and that may help lessen some of that for you. I don't think I really understand being horny, but I've had several trans women talk about how much of a relief it is to start on HRT and have that lessen or go away, so that's an idea. I wouldn't recommend the other part of HRT for you though, unless you really want female characteristics ;)

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

I hate it too, it's like it's just there, expecting me to have sex.

No, just no.

[marki]

I find interesting that girls find the vagina creepy too. I'm a guy and until I see one in real life all the ones I've seen on videos look really strange and spooky to me....and I have seen A LOT of videos. I just kind of hope I don't find them as spooky....it makes me feel bad that I find something like that so terrifying...it isn't supposed to be!

[eskazula]

I just want to point out that "bottom surgery" usually stands for either the construction of a penis, or vagina. Not usually a hysterectomy.

Well, I want my vagina removed, and my clitoris. So it's a bit more than just a hysterectomy. But thanks.

[marki]

Is it actually possible to do that? What exactly do they replace it with?

[eskazula]

They use skin grafts and plastic surgery to just... heal it over with skin.

[marki]

Interesting!

[~Rikki~]

I just want to point out that "bottom surgery" usually stands for either the construction of a penis, or vagina. Not usually a hysterectomy.

Well, I want my vagina removed, and my clitoris. So it's a bit more than just a hysterectomy. But thanks.

That's still not what "bottom surgery" stands for in the trans community. I wanted to point it out so you'd know and that way either change wording or not get frustrated if you're asked in the future "so does that mean you're getting a penis". That's all.

[mikbuster]

Considering the huge variety of things that are considered "bottom surgery", I'm not sure many people would really ask that. Reading through a list of possible surgeries for trans guys was somewhat enlightening for me, even though the idea of what some of them do is a bit disturbing to me. I kind of intentionally chose not to really know what's done, but it's kind of cool to get an idea of what can be done. Of course the surgeries for trans women are also a bit disturbing in what happens, but that's the only part I was interested in, so... Still haven't watched a video of the surgery I've seen a friend post a link to from youtube. Don't think I could handle that...

[eskazula]

I just want to point out that "bottom surgery" usually stands for either the construction of a penis, or vagina. Not usually a hysterectomy.

Well, I want my vagina removed, and my clitoris. So it's a bit more than just a hysterectomy. But thanks.

That's still not what "bottom surgery" stands for in the trans community. I wanted to point it out so you'd know and that way either change wording or not get frustrated if you're asked in the future "so does that mean you're getting a penis". That's all.

I've heard neutrois surgery be referred to as "bottom surgery" where they simply remove the genitals. But most people don't even know about neutrois. Also, not all trans men get phalloplasty as part of their "bottom surgery". As mikbuster said, bottom surgery is really, really diverse.

[Trava u doma]

I don't think I'm bothered enough to go to the lengths of having a surgery, but if I could just clap my hands and it would go away, I would, immediately.

The worst one is periods; I don't even want kids and it's always there, ready to spoil my best trips.

[eskazula]

I'm already on the pill to get my period only every 3 months, and even then it's just some mild cramps and some spotting.

But even my psychiatrist has noticed that I get psychotic episodes approximately those every three months, sooooooo... haha I would probably benefit from at least a hysterectomy.

[TMI/bodily functions talk ahead]

Before I was on any sort of hormone pill (I refuse to call it birth control), I would get 2-week long periods at approximately 5-6 weeks apart. So bad that I would vomit and not be able to move. I'd soak through 3 overnight pads in a day. My inappropriate affect would act up constantly. It was awful. I had to wear some sort of pad all the time because I never knew when my period would come back. And the PMS was constant. I would, if ever, have like, 1 week of peace in my uterus, between periods, and then 8 weeks of cramping so bad that my mom even took me to get checked for appendicitis.

But just thinking about having a vagina makes me feel... goopy and slimy. Mind you, I do have some general issues associating with my physical form (I suffer from chronic depersonalization) so even non-sexual biological processes like pooping kinda freak me out and remind me "yes, you're a living human" but when I have to acknowledge my vagina/clitoris, or when I get aroused, it's just... I feel disgusting. Completely disgusting. I'd rather touch my own shit than touch my clit. And I do not do well with germs, at all, just to put that all into perspective.

The only thing is, in order to have such a surgery, I'd probably have to get examined, and then the actual recovery would have some pain/swelling "down there" which would make me acknowledge those parts even more, I assume. Which scares me. So I don't know if I'd ever go through with getting it all removed. Because 1)pain, and 2)triggers. Gah. It's a lose-lose situation. But yeah, like you said, if I could just clap my hands and have the parts disappear, I'd do so in a heartbeat.

[Kanenas]

I get where you're coming from. If I felt stronger about this than I do, the overall procedures which would logically follow definitely would turn me off from pulling through with it. Tell me, are the legal options even given in any shape or form where you live? In Europe (to my knowledge, at least), this is a complete dead end, unfortunately. Transitioning from one sex to another is not a problem. But for those of us who are detached from their sex and/or gender in in any way... No such luck.

[eskazula]

I really don't know too much, but I do know that there are neutrois individuals who have had genital removal surgery in the US and Canada (I used to follow somebody who was thinking about having the same surgery I'm thinking about, but they deactivated their blog) so even though I don't ID as agender/neutrois, it is a thing that I believe exists. I doubt insurance will cover it, though, and I'm just a college kid, and my parents probably will want me to think this kind of major surgery through for several years anyway, so I'd have to save up for it eventually.

I don't plan on legally changing my sex, though. I just want to be a vagina-less woman. I don't really consider myself agender or genderqueer, even. This isn't really even a gender thing. I think it's more of a sex-repulsion thing. If that makes sense.

[Kanenas]

Yes, it does make sense! Of course. Something related, speaking of the biological sex: I remember a talkshow from the 80s or 90s inviting an individual who was born neutral, without genitals. The only bio neutrois I never heard of, if that's an okay term to use?! Here's part 1 of it:

[Nasher21]

I can identify with this, I really hate the biology of being female. If I could get rid of my genitals I would, I don't plan to use them at all and periods are just a massive inconvenience. For me, it basically equates to a design flaw.

...I am also genderfluid, so simply not having genitals at all would be great in that sense...

[eskazula]

@Nasher: Wow, having dysphoria like that, on-and-off if you're fluid (assuming you do experience dysphoria, going by your post) must be really tough. I feel for you, homeslice.

@Kanenas: That would have been a dream! OMG. (I have not yet watched the video, but it sounds fascinating.)

On another note, I'm totally comfortable with having boobs.

Boobs are part of my figure, nothing more. They're not a sexual organ to me (nor scientifically). They're just... part of me.

The crotch can go fuck off though.

[Firlefanz]

I'm demi-gender cis-female identifying, so I hope I'm (at least partially) 'allowed' to post something here.

I find both female and male anatomy (you know, the down parts) kind of disgusting and also frightening (especially the male parts).
I'd love to have a neutral body, like no blubbery (if that's the right word) chest and thighs and a straight body shape (males are lucky with this one, but I guess unlucky about the down parts).
The sensitivity to pain of the female chest and the male parts is also some 'great' nature-thing, I guess.
Is anyone else frequently grossed out by the 'curvy' blubbery female anatomy? (No personal offense, I sometimes can really appreciate the round and soft female body, especially when only looking at the contours.)

[Maybe TMI] With a neutral body there would be also no suddenly wet and slimy feeling down there when your parts randomly decide that they have to clean themselves when you're like anywhere but near a restroom, no monthly feeling of gastroenteritis and red waterfalls with the potential to not only ruin your week but also your clothes and everything.

[MooseAntlers]

I hate having boobs and all of those other female parts (so many...) and it seems pointless having them if I don't want to ever have sex or kids.

[Mona Lisa]

Hey, so I've recently become really really grossed out by my genitals (I have a vagina etc, and am currently cis female). Just because it makes me feel like I was put on Earth with the expectation to have sex. Which I do not plan on doing. Wiping myself when I pee, washing myself when I shower, getting slightly aroused (which mostly happens during martial arts practice), etc. I hate it. I don't want to have primary sex characteristics anymore.

But I identify solidly as female (except when I have a dissociative episode, but that's something else).

I hate children, and even if I ever change my mind, I would adopt anyway because I am morally opposed to childbirth. I'm already on estrogen supplements because of my PCOS. And I had to have my left ovary removed because of a cyst. Plus, getting my menses triggers psychotic episodes in me, and skipping my menstrual week pills raises my risk of ovarian/cervical cancer. So I kinda would really get a lot out of a hysterectomy in general, not just getting the "ick factor" out.

And I highly doubt that I'll ever want to have sex at all during my life. It just really freaks me out. I could hardly kiss my ex-boyfriend without having a panic attack/dissociative episode because it weirded me out so much.

(I'm also a sexual assault survivor, and I never want anyone to touch me that way again, hence why I just want those parts gone.)

So yeah. I pretty much want bottom surgery. But don't ID as trans. Anyone have a similar experience?

PCOS? Check.

Self-repulsed? Check.

Repulsed by female genitalia in particular? Check.

Hate periods? Check.

No desire for kids? Check.

Indifferent to boobs? Check.

I feel you, sister.

TMI warning

I'm supposed to be on birth control so I CAN have periods. I tried to ask my doctor if I could get Seasonale (one where you only have it 3-4 times annually) but he said I should have it every month. More regularity being better for my health so eventually I can get pregnant; never mind the fact that I have NO desire to have children, now or possibly ever. If I'm not on birth control it really does occur only a couple times a year. Needless to say, I ran out of birth control months ago and have yet to ask for another prescription. Gee, I wonder why...

I'm rather self-repulsed, but more self-conscious than anything. It's ugly, I mean really ugly, uglier than your typical ugly female down-there stuff. I have watched porn to see what women are supposed to look like and to compare. I don't look anything like the women in porn. It's so gross. I got used to touching myself for sanitary purposes, but God help me, I once got curious with a mirror, and ughhhh.

I freak out whenever I have a gyno exam. I avoid those at all costs. And every time a guy reaches down there or even talks about his desire to go near my down-there I immediately switch off and slap his hand away. I can't feel sexual pleasure anyway, so what's the point of exposing myself to humiliation?

Long story short, I would not be terribly distressed if one day I woke up and the whole kit and caboodle was gone. Sometimes I think I'd have been better off being biologically male, only I don't really identify as male.

[eskazula]

Hey, so I've recently become really really grossed out by my genitals (I have a vagina etc, and am currently cis female). Just because it makes me feel like I was put on Earth with the expectation to have sex. Which I do not plan on doing. Wiping myself when I pee, washing myself when I shower, getting slightly aroused (which mostly happens during martial arts practice), etc. I hate it. I don't want to have primary sex characteristics anymore.

But I identify solidly as female (except when I have a dissociative episode, but that's something else).

I hate children, and even if I ever change my mind, I would adopt anyway because I am morally opposed to childbirth. I'm already on estrogen supplements because of my PCOS. And I had to have my left ovary removed because of a cyst. Plus, getting my menses triggers psychotic episodes in me, and skipping my menstrual week pills raises my risk of ovarian/cervical cancer. So I kinda would really get a lot out of a hysterectomy in general, not just getting the "ick factor" out.

And I highly doubt that I'll ever want to have sex at all during my life. It just really freaks me out. I could hardly kiss my ex-boyfriend without having a panic attack/dissociative episode because it weirded me out so much.

(I'm also a sexual assault survivor, and I never want anyone to touch me that way again, hence why I just want those parts gone.)

So yeah. I pretty much want bottom surgery. But don't ID as trans. Anyone have a similar experience?

PCOS? Check.

Self-repulsed? Check.

Repulsed by female genitalia in particular? Check.

Hate periods? Check.

No desire for kids? Check.

Indifferent to boobs? Check.

I feel you, sister.

TMI warning

I'm supposed to be on birth control so I CAN have periods. I tried to ask my doctor if I could get Seasonale (one where you only have it 3-4 times annually) but he said I should have it every month. More regularity being better for my health so eventually I can get pregnant; never mind the fact that I have NO desire to have children, now or possibly ever. If I'm not on birth control it really does occur only a couple times a year. Needless to say, I ran out of birth control months ago and have yet to ask for another prescription. Gee, I wonder why...

I'm rather self-repulsed, but more self-conscious than anything. It's ugly, I mean really ugly, uglier than your typical ugly female down-there stuff. I have watched porn to see what women are supposed to look like and to compare. I don't look anything like the women in porn. It's so gross. I got used to touching myself for sanitary purposes, but God help me, I once got curious with a mirror, and ughhhh.

I freak out whenever I have a gyno exam. I avoid those at all costs. And every time a guy reaches down there or even talks about his desire to go near my down-there I immediately switch off and slap his hand away. I can't feel sexual pleasure anyway, so what's the point of exposing myself to humiliation?

Long story short, I would not be terribly distressed if one day I woke up and the whole kit and caboodle was gone. Sometimes I think I'd have been better off being biologically male, only I don't really identify as male.

For me it's not about how it looks. It's about... simply knowing it's there. And it's all goopy and slimy. And I feel it. And it makes me feel so disgusting.

I'm on Seasonique right now as well. My doctor said that if I don't take something for my periods, I put myself at risk for ovarian cancer. So it's worth it. Plus, without the pill, I get periods that last 2-3 weeks, and are so bad that I can't move and start to vomit, and leak through overnight pads. I love my pill lol.

I do like my boobs though. They're not sexual to me though, that's the thing. They're made for feeding babies. I don't plan on feeding babies. But that's not a sexual act so I'm ok with it. Plus, they're not goopy and slimy and weird. Plus, they make my figure look better- I'm very apple-shaped, and I'd just look like a giant circle without my boobs.

I do not plan on having a gyno exam though. I'm not sexually active. It's irrelevant. Like, unless I start having symptoms of something, I avoid the OB-GYN at all costs. And anything they do do, I have them do via feeling my stomach and using a sonogram.

I am glad I was born cis female though, because penises fucking terrify me. At least a vagina is kinda hidden away, you know?

[Lambda Corvus]

Hey, so I've recently become really really grossed out by my genitals (I have a vagina etc, and am currently cis female). Just because it makes me feel like I was put on Earth with the expectation to have sex. Which I do not plan on doing. Wiping myself when I pee, washing myself when I shower, getting slightly aroused (which mostly happens during martial arts practice), etc. I hate it. I don't want to have primary sex characteristics anymore.

But I identify solidly as female (except when I have a dissociative episode, but that's something else).

I hate children, and even if I ever change my mind, I would adopt anyway because I am morally opposed to childbirth. I'm already on estrogen supplements because of my PCOS. And I had to have my left ovary removed because of a cyst. Plus, getting my menses triggers psychotic episodes in me, and skipping my menstrual week pills raises my risk of ovarian/cervical cancer. So I kinda would really get a lot out of a hysterectomy in general, not just getting the "ick factor" out.

And I highly doubt that I'll ever want to have sex at all during my life. It just really freaks me out. I could hardly kiss my ex-boyfriend without having a panic attack/dissociative episode because it weirded me out so much.

(I'm also a sexual assault survivor, and I never want anyone to touch me that way again, hence why I just want those parts gone.)

So yeah. I pretty much want bottom surgery. But don't ID as trans. Anyone have a similar experience?

PCOS? Check.

Self-repulsed? Check.

Repulsed by female genitalia in particular? Check.

Hate periods? Check.

No desire for kids? Check.

Indifferent to boobs? Check.

I feel you, sister.

TMI warning

I'm supposed to be on birth control so I CAN have periods. I tried to ask my doctor if I could get Seasonale (one where you only have it 3-4 times annually) but he said I should have it every month. More regularity being better for my health so eventually I can get pregnant; never mind the fact that I have NO desire to have children, now or possibly ever. If I'm not on birth control it really does occur only a couple times a year. Needless to say, I ran out of birth control months ago and have yet to ask for another prescription. Gee, I wonder why...

I'm rather self-repulsed, but more self-conscious than anything. It's ugly, I mean really ugly, uglier than your typical ugly female down-there stuff. I have watched porn to see what women are supposed to look like and to compare. I don't look anything like the women in porn. It's so gross. I got used to touching myself for sanitary purposes, but God help me, I once got curious with a mirror, and ughhhh.

I freak out whenever I have a gyno exam. I avoid those at all costs. And every time a guy reaches down there or even talks about his desire to go near my down-there I immediately switch off and slap his hand away. I can't feel sexual pleasure anyway, so what's the point of exposing myself to humiliation?

Long story short, I would not be terribly distressed if one day I woke up and the whole kit and caboodle was gone. Sometimes I think I'd have been better off being biologically male, only I don't really identify as male.

For me it's not about how it looks. It's about... simply knowing it's there. And it's all goopy and slimy. And I feel it. And it makes me feel so disgusting.

I'm on Seasonique right now as well. My doctor said that if I don't take something for my periods, I put myself at risk for ovarian cancer. So it's worth it. Plus, without the pill, I get periods that last 2-3 weeks, and are so bad that I can't move and start to vomit, and leak through overnight pads. I love my pill lol.

I do like my boobs though. They're not sexual to me though, that's the thing. They're made for feeding babies. I don't plan on feeding babies. But that's not a sexual act so I'm ok with it. Plus, they're not goopy and slimy and weird. Plus, they make my figure look better- I'm very apple-shaped, and I'd just look like a giant circle without my boobs.

I do not plan on having a gyno exam though. I'm not sexually active. It's irrelevant. Like, unless I start having symptoms of something, I avoid the OB-GYN at all costs. And anything they do do, I have them do via feeling my stomach and using a sonogram.

I am glad I was born cis female though, because penises fucking terrify me. At least a vagina is kinda hidden away, you know?

Hello. It's been interesting reading about your experiences stated in this thread.

One thing that you might consider (I say this with all sincerity and respect) is that anatomy is different from gender. A cisgender person is one whose sex 'aligns' in some way with their gender. That is to say, there is no cis-female/male anatomy, but being cisgender means one's anatomy complements their gender in some way.

That said, I wish you all the best success in dealing with your body revulsion, from the perspective of a neutrois biomale who experiences regular dysphoria over their own.