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lissi

What impact has being in a relationship with an asexual had on you?

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lissi

Hello again Crying

I am further down the road now and getting less angry. Still suffering with depression and anxiety. I wonder if the overeating has something to do with having other needs left unsatisfied. I am doing it too. However bad you feel now I want you to know that it gets better. I felt very alone too. It's so hard when it is something like this to talk about. I didn't confide in anyone for a really for a long time because I didn't want to give away my ex's secret. He felt broken enough. I have now though, for self preservation.

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roryjack

The little intimate moments shared sometimes with only a look that never get shared. I would walk up behind him when he was sitting at the table working and run my hands across his shoulders and down his chest resting my head on his shoulder and nibble on his ear only to have him turn his head away and push me off.

I could go on and on. These are just a few. It's all the little things that have never happened that I expected as part of a LOVING relationship. Yet I know he loves me as much as he possible can love another person.

The hardest part is having had some of those intimacies before marriage and then after, it was as if he had a twin that swapped places with him.

I sure do know that feeling of being pushed away for even the simplest intimacies. It is her natural reaction to touch. I appreciate that she works hard to not recoil and to allow my touch at times, but I know it is an effort for her. You want the person you love to respond you with eagerness.

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ConfusedGirl16

I cannot believe how much I can relate to all of you. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 4 years and in the past few months have been asking myself over and over again what I was doing wrong in our relationship for her to not want me in a sexual way. It has been 9 months since we had any type of sexual intimacy. The beginning of our relationship was typical and so now that our sex life is non existent I would always ask myself what I was doing wrong for her to not want me. Finding this site today and reading these forums have shed so much light on the situation that this might be an explanation to all my questions to have caused me to be so sad, angry and confused.

As much as it does answer many questions, I do have so many more. How do I approach her with this information? In the past anytime I have brought my sadness or issue with our sex life she would get mad and be completely defensive. I do have to say that I too have gotten vary mad about the situation in many discussions in the past; which now seeing all this info it fills me with guilt that it wasn't her fault I was blaming her for something she can't control. Since the beginning I have never loved someone so much I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I've never doubted that but I cannot ignore those feelings lately.

Even with this information where do we go from here? Before I would always think well she will snap out of it and she will be more affectionate and we will go back to a "normal" sex life. I have known throughout our relationship that she isn't very affectionate like cuddling or the romantic type but I assumed it was her personality. This questions saddens me because I am a very sexual and affectionate person. for me these are a need in a relationship, how I give and receive love, you could say.

I guess in a sense this site has answered many questions yet created many more. Hopefully by speaking with you all I can get more information and understand this more.

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Feral_Sophisticate

I cannot believe how much I can relate to all of you. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 4 years and in the past few months have been asking myself over and over again what I was doing wrong in our relationship for her to not want me in a sexual way. It has been 9 months since we had any type of sexual intimacy. The beginning of our relationship was typical and so now that our sex life is non existent I would always ask myself what I was doing wrong for her to not want me. Finding this site today and reading these forums have shed so much light on the situation that this might be an explanation to all my questions to have caused me to be so sad, angry and confused.

As much as it does answer many questions, I do have so many more. How do I approach her with this information? In the past anytime I have brought my sadness or issue with our sex life she would get mad and be completely defensive. I do have to say that I too have gotten vary mad about the situation in many discussions in the past; which now seeing all this info it fills me with guilt that it wasn't her fault I was blaming her for something she can't control. Since the beginning I have never loved someone so much I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I've never doubted that but I cannot ignore those feelings lately.

Even with this information where do we go from here? Before I would always think well she will snap out of it and she will be more affectionate and we will go back to a "normal" sex life. I have known throughout our relationship that she isn't very affectionate like cuddling or the romantic type but I assumed it was her personality. This questions saddens me because I am a very sexual and affectionate person. for me these are a need in a relationship, how I give and receive love, you could say.

I guess in a sense this site has answered many questions yet created many more. Hopefully by speaking with you all I can get more information and understand this more.

Hi! Welcome. I can appreciate your situation, and how difficult it might be for you.

Since I'm not your partner, the best I can do is offer some possibilities as to why she's reacting as she does when you try to talk to her. Please take this with a grain of salt, as the only one who can truly explain her feelings to you is, well, her. :)

She may be as confused about the whole transformation of the relationship as you are. She may be feeling guilty because she feels that she's somehow not "measuring up" to what she thinks your expectations are. Insecurities are a nasty little critter - they can take the most eloquent, open and loving people into something they're not. I suspect that her "attitude" may be in part due to her feeling insecure about the relationship or her feelings for it (and you).

I'm not advocating you take any specific action, but note that a relationship will only work when both parties in the relationship are getting their core needs met. Provided that these "key needs" are being satisfied, most of the other minor needs (which are more like "wants" than needs) tend to be less important to us.

Also note that our needs change over time - which is the main reason why relationships evolve over time. We either learn to adjust to them, or move on when the changes become too severe for us to comfortably adapt.

If cuddling, sexual activity and just being affectionate are that important to you, and she's not comfortable with that, then you need to realize that the relationship will only survive if someone is willing to compromise. In conceding to the other one's needs, though, one must be careful that they don't therefore yield too much, or risk resenting their partner (and the concessions made) later.

Resentment breeds contempt, which is one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" (an interesting link, and a good read), insofar as relationships are concerned.

It's obvious that you care a great deal about her. I just hope that you're not sacrificing too much of your own self in order to be with her. A healthy relationship requires both partners to contribute some of themselves in order to build this new "thing" that they become together. The contributions need not be equal, provided that each contributes an amount that they are comfortable with, and that their partner is satisfied with.

Good luck. Send me a PM if you need to talk. I'm pretty good at this sort of thing. :)

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ConfusedGirl16

Thank you for responding to my post Feral_Sophisticate.

How did any of you first cope with being with an asexual, how do you make the feelings of sadness and anger go away or at least minimize. In the last week or two especially it seems as if it's all I think about! I don't want this to consume my every thought! As for how I want to approach with this information, I am more confused, last night after posting on this thread I told myself I would bring up the subject to her but I spent the whole night just too scared and or nervous to bring it up. While my mind was running wild with this she was unaware relaxing on the couch.

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Lady Girl

There is a little advice in the FAQs on the Front Page (linked in my signature below) about how a sexual person might approach the topic with their partner. I followed it, tried to explain my understanding of asexuality to my husband first and then showed him the Front Page of AVEN and asked him if he thought he could relate to any of it.

As for the thoughts you're having, the only suggestion I have is to accept that our idea of what an intimate relationship looks like isn't the only option...we have to introduce new possibilities. It's kind of liberating when you realize so much sadness and anger doesn't have to be a part of the equation.

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Percivel

Thank you for responding to my post Feral_Sophisticate.

How did any of you first cope with being with an asexual, how do you make the feelings of sadness and anger go away or at least minimize. In the last week or two especially it seems as if it's all I think about! I don't want this to consume my every thought! As for how I want to approach with this information, I am more confused, last night after posting on this thread I told myself I would bring up the subject to her but I spent the whole night just too scared and or nervous to bring it up. While my mind was running wild with this she was unaware relaxing on the couch.

I just had to ride out the "storms." I fought the negative thoughts and feelings. I learned not to believe the negative stuff that I felt and thought. Realizing that self-pity was running rampant was also important to make progress.

First, though, it's important to have that initial talk. That is when progress can start. Right now you are probably not just nervous about confronting your partner about it but you may also be afraid to hear her answer. A "yes, I'm asexual" answers many questions but also means you are faced with the challenge of a mixed relationship. A "No, I'm not asexual" answers no questions but brings up a hundred more...and a lot of confusion.

After three years on Aven there is still not a day that goes by when I don't think about the intimacy issues my wife and I have. Usually I think about it several times a day. But most of my thoughts and feelings are not overwhelming and negative anymore. Most of the time I can drive those away mentally now. It all takes time...and effort.

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roryjack

Thank you for responding to my post Feral_Sophisticate.

How did any of you first cope with being with an asexual, how do you make the feelings of sadness and anger go away or at least minimize. In the last week or two especially it seems as if it's all I think about! I don't want this to consume my every thought! As for how I want to approach with this information, I am more confused, last night after posting on this thread I told myself I would bring up the subject to her but I spent the whole night just too scared and or nervous to bring it up. While my mind was running wild with this she was unaware relaxing on the couch.

I just had to ride out the "storms." I fought the negative thoughts and feelings. I learned not to believe the negative stuff that I felt and thought. Realizing that self-pity was running rampant was also important to make progress.

First, though, it's important to have that initial talk. That is when progress can start. Right now you are probably not just nervous about confronting your partner about it but you may also be afraid to hear her answer. A "yes, I'm asexual" answers many questions but also means you are faced with the challenge of a mixed relationship. A "No, I'm not asexual" answers no questions but brings up a hundred more...and a lot of confusion.

After three years on Aven there is still not a day that goes by when I don't think about the intimacy issues my wife and I have. Usually I think about it several times a day. But most of my thoughts and feelings are not overwhelming and negative anymore. Most of the time I can drive those away mentally now. It all takes time...and effort.

I'm definitely still in the storm and I think about this all the time. I have to resist the urge to pull back. It is a natural reaction when you feel hurt by someone. You want to retreat to protect yourself.

Part of what drew me here was to try to get into her head a little. I want to give to her things that she will appreciate. I want to listen to her. It isn't that I'm all that wonderfully compassionate. I have a selfish motive. I'm trying to treat her the way I want to be treated. I've found that she appreciates it when I think of her first and wants to give things back to me. Instead of the two of us pulling further apart, we are trying to find ways to give each other what we need.

For a long time my focus was on finding some way to light a fire in her. But the more I tried to give her the kind of attention i wanted, the more she withdrew or felt inadequate. And that only made me feel all the more rejected. It just wasn't working. Now I try to understand that she has as much need not be touched as I have to be touched, We are starting to find ways to help each other. I'll resist touching her at times and that is a relief to her, so she'll actually reach out and touch me at times. That is wonderful for me. It is hard for both of us. We have to learn to not just follow our instincts but to understand how the other person feels and do the loving thing. It takes effort. But when you find the person you love is trying to love you back, it can be very rewarding.

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Percivel

I'm definitely still in the storm and I think about this all the time. I have to resist the urge to pull back. It is a natural reaction when you feel hurt by someone. You want to retreat to protect yourself.

Part of what drew me here was to try to get into her head a little. I want to give to her things that she will appreciate. I want to listen to her. It isn't that I'm all that wonderfully compassionate. I have a selfish motive. I'm trying to treat her the way I want to be treated. I've found that she appreciates it when I think of her first and wants to give things back to me. Instead of the two of us pulling further apart, we are trying to find ways to give each other what we need.

For a long time my focus was on finding some way to light a fire in her. But the more I tried to give her the kind of attention i wanted, the more she withdrew or felt inadequate. And that only made me feel all the more rejected. It just wasn't working. Now I try to understand that she has as much need not be touched as I have to be touched, We are starting to find ways to help each other. I'll resist touching her at times and that is a relief to her, so she'll actually reach out and touch me at times. That is wonderful for me. It is hard for both of us. We have to learn to not just follow our instincts but to understand how the other person feels and do the loving thing. It takes effort. But when you find the person you love is trying to love you back, it can be very rewarding.

Well said! Your words apply to me, too!

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realcooldude

my life was affected very positively from my time with an asexual. I had the opportunity to learn and grow as a person, definitely had time to look at things from many perspectives. Even now, since we're still friends, that last part of having to consider different point of views still holds true. Sometimes I try to get her to talk snarky and make fun of a group of people, and end up getting a long scolding, until I realize the error of my way and never again try to make fun of that group. Doesn't mean I won't try to make fun of another entirely different group later on :P I used to be very careless and indifferent about people I had no ties with or connection to, and I'd be very quick to treat them carelessly, and sometimes I still do, but I try to be more self aware and conscious of when I'm doing so and try to behave with more care around strangers. I was aware of what asexuality was before entering the relationship, but instead of not acknowledging asexual people, I scoffed at the idea and passed them as all being uninteresting people who had no idea how to live, but I learned otherwise...There's a lot more to being human and interesting than sex. I also experienced emotions during the relationship that I never experienced before with any previous sexual girlfriends, and learned truly what it meant to have romance and passion and love apart from sex.

And while I feel it ended without having been explored more deeply as I would have very much liked, I can't really argue against the reasons for the break up, even if I don't fully understand it 100%. Then again, who does understand everything 100%? Of course, I miss what we had and still wish it never ended. But anyways, big impact, good thing in my life!

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Feral_Sophisticate

Thank you for responding to my post Feral_Sophisticate.

How did any of you first cope with being with an asexual, how do you make the feelings of sadness and anger go away or at least minimize. In the last week or two especially it seems as if it's all I think about! I don't want this to consume my every thought! As for how I want to approach with this information, I am more confused, last night after posting on this thread I told myself I would bring up the subject to her but I spent the whole night just too scared and or nervous to bring it up. While my mind was running wild with this she was unaware relaxing on the couch.

I knew from the get-go that my girl was either asexual, or at the very least, had a minimal libido. I wasn't sure I fully understood what asexuality was at that time, but since I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship, her being ace really wasn't a big factor for me. It did give me time and opportunity to educate myself - and eventually to find this site.

I guess my situation is somewhat unique, then. I knew that sex wasn't going to be a big factor in this burgeoning relationship - if it was ever going to play a factor in it. Honestly, at the time, I didn't care. Now, it's still not a big factor to me, as our relationship has evolved significantly since, and we have a very intense trust and respect for one another.

Had any of my previous relationships had that intimacy, that trust and that mutual respect, I doubt they would be a previous relationship. I'd likely still be in one of them, anyway.

If you're unsure about how to tell your partner about how you're feeling, then maybe write them a letter? Read it to yourself, and rewrite it until it says exactly what you want it to. Then give it to them to read while you're there (ideally). I've done that in the past, with previous partners, and it has worked pretty well - especially since I can often communicate far more effectively with the written word than I can verbally.

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ConfusedGirl16

Thank you for responding to my post Feral_Sophisticate.

How did any of you first cope with being with an asexual, how do you make the feelings of sadness and anger go away or at least minimize. In the last week or two especially it seems as if it's all I think about! I don't want this to consume my every thought! As for how I want to approach with this information, I am more confused, last night after posting on this thread I told myself I would bring up the subject to her but I spent the whole night just too scared and or nervous to bring it up. While my mind was running wild with this she was unaware relaxing on the couch.

I knew from the get-go that my girl was either asexual, or at the very least, had a minimal libido. I wasn't sure I fully understood what asexuality was at that time, but since I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship, her being ace really wasn't a big factor for me. It did give me time and opportunity to educate myself - and eventually to find this site.

I guess my situation is somewhat unique, then. I knew that sex wasn't going to be a big factor in this burgeoning relationship - if it was ever going to play a factor in it. Honestly, at the time, I didn't care. Now, it's still not a big factor to me, as our relationship has evolved significantly since, and we have a very intense trust and respect for one another.

Had any of my previous relationships had that intimacy, that trust and that mutual respect, I doubt they would be a previous relationship. I'd likely still be in one of them, anyway.

If you're unsure about how to tell your partner about how you're feeling, then maybe write them a letter? Read it to yourself, and rewrite it until it says exactly what you want it to. Then give it to them to read while you're there (ideally). I've done that in the past, with previous partners, and it has worked pretty well - especially since I can often communicate far more effectively with the written word than I can verbally.

I have debated writing a letter for some time now. I am the same in the way that I do express myself better in writing, for some reason in verbal communication everything comes out backwards most of the time causing fights rather than me being able to communicate clearly. I came very close to bringing up the subject last night but could not bring myself to start. You would think with living together ans seeing each other everyday I would feel so comfortable to at least start talking but it scares me to death. I think my next move will be to write a letter and give it to her face to face. Also now I will have at least a site to show her if she does have questions about the topic since it has helped me so very much in the short time that I have been here. I am sure I will continue to speak to you all to get through this as I do have a long road ahead of making peace with the situation.

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ConfusedGirl16

ok mini update on writing the letter, I have just spent over a half hour staring at a blank page. I have no idea how to start the letter of even what exactly to write!

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frednsa

I'm not sure this is an answer, but focusing on the positives can reduce the frustration. Sure, frustration rears it's ugly head often but if the other aspects of your relationship are really good (not just OK, but "really good") that can compensate to a great extent. It's hard for me to conquer the feelings of rejection and inadequacy that are fostered by my asexual wife's ways but so many other things are great I feel blessed overall. Perhaps some others among you will recoginze what I am attempting to say.

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Down in Texas

ok mini update on writing the letter, I have just spent over a half hour staring at a blank page. I have no idea how to start the letter of even what exactly to write!

You start with all the things you like and enjoy doing together. The things that brought you together in the beginning. Once you move toward the dislikes make sure not to say YOU in a negative way instead use "I miss" or "I wish" or something that in the positive mood, it goes much better. Add the page on Asexuality if you need to but if she is the one that told you then she may already know. If this is the case you are one step above many of us that had to break the news to our mates.

Just try to sound as positive as you can. For me there have been times that it took me two or three days to get my letters written. Be easy on yourself and speak from your heart with the Love that brought you together. Best of luck Life is a bumpy road it will always have its ups and down.

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roryjack

I don't want her to be an asexual. I'll be honest about that. I want her to be a repressed sexual and if I just love her enough, she will feel fully secure and open up to me and we will enjoy this wonderful loving intimacy that transcends everything. The more I love her, the more she wants to show her love for me. She wants me to be happy. She wants to give to me what I want. But I can't make her want the things that I want. I can't make her need me physically. It just isn't a need or desire she has inside her. The best she can do is be available for me. She does that and I appreciate it. But I want her to want me. I can't switch that on. I can't ever switch that on.

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Nixsaver

I am a sexual man who married to a woman whom I have come to believe is asexual. I have appreciated hearing and knowing that others struggle with what I struggle with and that it isn't something that I have done, or she has done. It just is.

Many things in this discussion fit my life - the frustration, the longing to be wanted, which is never realized.

The discussions make me believe that my choices are; A. To live with it and find what intimacy and joy that I can in our relationship. There are many, many good things in our relationship, but I long for sexual intimacy. B. Get out with all of the attendant pain that a divorce brings. C. Find another sexual outlet with the crap that comes with that.

Does that about sum it up? Are there any good choices that I haven't thought of?

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Lady Girl

Those are typically the three choices.

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Null_and_Void

What impact has being with the person had on me, or what impact has her asexuality specifically had on me?

To the first possibility, it has had an amazing impact on my life. I have never been happier than I have been these past two years. I love her more than anything and everything else in the world and making her happy gives me a purpose in life.

To the second possibility, not all that much. Sure, I really want sex, but it's not a need. I can live without it. Who knows, maybe I have a lower libido than the average person, and thus it doesn't affect me as much. It could even be because I have never had sex. But all in all, compared to how amazing our relationship is, sex means nothing, and I'm perfectly willing to go without it to get to be with her.

Perhaps not the response you were looking for, but this is how I feel about my relationship. Every relationship and person is different, though.

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Percivel

Nix,

Yes, those are your options. If one chooses "A", however, there are a couple of ways to go about it that I've experienced. One option is to continue the status quo. Which is to go through life waiting and hoping for the next sexual encounter with your partner...secretly hoping for your partner to "change." In my experience, this makes me feel like a "sex addict" because that's mostly all I think about...how I'm not getting sex/intimacy. Even with a "compromise" the sex/intimacy may not be up to expectations or may not be fulfilling. All this often continues to cause sadness/depression/heartache...at least for me. Compromise alone does work for some, however.

A second option for choice "A" is to fully make the decision to change yourself (and not your partner). I found this to be very difficult. But, after a long period it seems to be finally sinking in. For me, not only my behavior needed to change but also my expectations and thought processes. I had to let go of what I wanted and "needed" and focused on loving her and her happiness. This, in turn, is making me happier and more accepting of our relationship. She is responding well and is much happier and more naturally affectionate now. The love was always there. How I perceived it and reacted to it was what needed to change.

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Feral_Sophisticate

So, for my girl and I, we've reached a threshold moment, as far as compromises are concerned.

She's willing to consider having sex, provided she's had a drink or two, as she thinks that will make it easier for her - plus, she's intrigued by the idea of being "forced" into doing something like that (consensual nonconsent is a lot of fun within the kink community, but definitely not for everyone). Though my libido thinks that it would be simply marvellous to "seal the deal" between her and I, I'm not prepared to take that step with her yet - and might never be. I'm definitely not asexual, but I'm well aware of the possibility that carrying through with this might trigger some memories of past incidences (she's nearly been raped more than once), or that she might end up acquiescing and regretting it later.

Quite simply, I'm not prepared to risk losing everything, just to satisfy my carnal needs. To me, it's really more of a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" kind of thing.

To that end, she has reiterated that she's ok with my seeking partners on the side for my sexual needs. I'm considering it, but I'm not in a rush - as I'm not really a casual sex kind of guy, and I've found this whole "slow the hell down" approach that I've been taking since before I met her has been paying dividends. Why change it now?

Incidentally, of course, though she's at times curious about what sex feels like, she's not in a place to try it at this time (and honestly, might never be). She has stated openly that if she feels it's something she wishes to experience at some point, she would obviously come to me to try it out. She has, after all, initiated receiving oral sex from me, and enjoyed the physical sensation (and finding "her happy place"), something which she's never enjoyed having done to her in the past :blush: . It happened only once, and under zero duress or pressure from me, and I plan to keep things that way.

So, some baby steps made, and she seems content in knowing that I am content in where we are, and what we have. If I need to "scratch that itch", I can. I'm not interested in complicating what we have together, nor am I keen on rushing things with her or anyone else, either.

Basically, if it happens, it happens. That's been my mindset from the beginning, and remains so - and clear proof that the "turning point" last year, prior to meeting her, was a paradigm shift for me. Yes, it's a cliche. So what? It's no less true to me... ^_^

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Nixsaver

Those are typically the three choices.

The truth of the matter is that I don't really like any of these choices. I don't want an divorce, an affair, or what feels like celibacy. But. as you so succintly said, "Those are typically the three choices."

Nix,

Yes, those are your options. If one chooses "A", however, there are a couple of ways to go about it that I've experienced. One option is to continue the status quo. Which is to go through life waiting and hoping for the next sexual encounter with your partner...secretly hoping for your partner to "change." In my experience, this makes me feel like a "sex addict" because that's mostly all I think about...how I'm not getting sex/intimacy. Even with a "compromise" the sex/intimacy may not be up to expectations or may not be fulfilling. All this often continues to cause sadness/depression/heartache...at least for me. Compromise alone does work for some, however.

A second option for choice "A" is to fully make the decision to change yourself (and not your partner). I found this to be very difficult. But, after a long period it seems to be finally sinking in. For me, not only my behavior needed to change but also my expectations and thought processes. I had to let go of what I wanted and "needed" and focused on loving her and her happiness. This, in turn, is making me happier and more accepting of our relationship. She is responding well and is much happier and more naturally affectionate now. The love was always there. How I perceived it and reacted to it was what needed to change.

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stillAboy

At least your partners arent repulsed or uncomfortable with pleasing you. mmm. i feel that intimacy is really important, between my gf and i, i always make it clear that i am happy with her and that she's worth it. no matter what. i guess... ya... :s should i be voicing my opinion? because im still a newbie at asexual knowledge and my r/s was recently shaken by knowledge of its existence.

Its been confusing and a hell of a rollarcoaster ride, been educational, taught us both many values and how to live differently, how to compromise, made us better people. enforced our r/s, made us love each other more for realising how much we have been trying, appreciating our efforts and compromises. understanding how difficult it is for both sides with regards to sex, makes us realise that we can handle other differences and issues the same way. through communication and compromise. teaches different ways to love each other. im generally a positive person . hahas. optimist. i guess we learn everything that a proper r/s teaches, but faster due to sex related issues we are forced to confront one of the biggest challenges of any r/s. normally ppl avoid fights or let things that they cannot tolerate slip by due to having sex on their mind. some couples "solve" their issues by having sex to stop arguing. these cheats and false solutions wont apply in a r/s with an ace. sex may seem like a great reason to tolerate/accept a persons flaws while we are still highly sexually active, however it leads to divorces and break ups in the future when differences are allowed to grow or at time of stress/external pressure causing lower tolerance of each other. being with an ace i guess. forces us to deal with these issues earlier and might lead to a better smoother future? :blush: sorry i dunno if im right or wrong... *hides* :ph34r:

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Percivel

Still, I think you're right on. Everything you said was good stuff. it is good you bring them up.

I think the hardest things for many of us sexuals in mixed relationships are, one: the mere thought of never having sex or sexual intimacy (or very little of it) is terrifying. If we think of something else that we loved or needed and could never do again (eg. drive a car, take a day off work, etc) and you multiply the difficulty by 100...that's the situation we find ourselves in. It's kinda mind blowing and scary. The second, is the dark times we experience. The loneliness, isolation, the quagmire of thoughts and feelings that overwhelm us, the self pity, and the absence of our kind of intimacy is also quite unpleasant and scary.

The good things you mentioned, Still, are the flip side to our relationships...the good things. Both need to be thoroughly examined when determining to continue a mixed relationship.

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nansialex

I am right there with you. It's a soul-destroying position to be in, being married to/in a relationship with a partner who doesn't need or desire a sexual connection. It's driven me to being a bitter, angry, sad person who struggles with depression and overeating because of the feelings of isolation.

It IS soul destroying. I had no idea that asexuality existed when I got into a committed relationship with my partner 30 years ago. At the time, she did tell me she had a low sex drive, bu I was in love, had stars in my eyes and was only 21 at the time, relatively inexperienced, and hopelessly naive,So, I just I blew that off. Also, to me, low sex drive meant having sex once or twice a week. To her it means having sex once or twice in the entire course of the relationship. Basically, our sex life ended after about the first year, and it was never joyful - I always felt like I was imposing. Later on as time went by, There was always an excuse not to, and trying to get her to honestly communicate about things was futile because the response was "I can't take this stress, don't make me talk about it." And I loved her, so I kept quiet and twisted myself into a mental pretzel trying to be non-sexual. That didn't work, but I did have a breakdown which landed me in the hospital for several weeks. I've had recurrent bouts of depression ever since and I take three different antidepressants. The one time, about 10 years ago when I did finally say "I am not happy, this sucks," she simply said "I'm sorry, I'm not interested, I can't help you." I still don't know what hurts more - the fact that she's not interested OR that she's not interested and simply does not appear to care if I'm miserable or not. The assumption seems to be that I am the one who has to be an emotional contortionist in the relationship. And yes, there is a lot of anger and resentment here. If i had it to do over again, I would run a mile in the other direction. But now our finances are intertwined, we have grandkids (well, for me step-grandkids) that I adore, and my self-confidence left a long time ago. I can't even imagine starting over with someone else at this point.

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Sally

Nansialex, it does sound like your lives are intertwined. But have you considered separating and still enjoying, together, those grandkids? There are legal separations which don't mean the necessity of severing all those financial bonds. Not living in the same house doesn't mean you can't enjoy the things that you do enjoy together, and it might take a lot of emotional pressure off you (and your partner).

(I shouldn't be giving advice, but I'm just wondering if you've considered that scenario.)

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nansialex

Nansialex, it does sound like your lives are intertwined. But have you considered separating and still enjoying, together, those grandkids? There are legal separations which don't mean the necessity of severing all those financial bonds. Not living in the same house doesn't mean you can't enjoy the things that you do enjoy together, and it might take a lot of emotional pressure off you (and your partner).

(I shouldn't be giving advice, but I'm just wondering if you've considered that scenario.)

I have considered living separately, but the economics don't make it feasible right now. Neither one of us makes enough to fund two households. And I've got to the point where I just don't have enough energy to try to do anything. My partner's attitude remains one of "this works for me - adjust your feelings accordingly. "

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lissi

Nansialex, no wonder you are angry and hurting. Being asexual is one thing, not caring about your partners distress is very difficult to understand.

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stillAboy

Nansialex, it's the lack of communication and her lack of desire for communication isn't it?
I'm sure that she's feeling emotionally contorted as well but I if I'll be bold enough to dare say, I understand what it may feel like to be the one with the short end of the stick...

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Sally

So if lack of money means staying together, what are the options for coming down off the anger mountain and getting on with life? Again, that's a serious question.

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