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lissi

What impact has being in a relationship with an asexual had on you?

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lissi

Being in a relationship with an asexual man for four years has had a major impact on my life, particularly in terms of my mental health. Very few people I have discussed this with , including my doctor, have any understanding of the extent of this impact. I feel quite alone at times and pathetic for not being strong enough to deal with this without falling apart. I guess what I am asking for is the experience of others to validate my feelings.

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Einy

It had a large impact on me too, I used to be very frustrated and depressed too, your feelings are definitely valid. I guess a lot of people in this kind of relationship feel the same. Now I am in a new relationship with a sexual and I still have sometimes issues with sex. I have troubles initiating sex, feel very insecure and am hypersensitive to any hypothetical sense of rejection. Four years with an asexual definitely influenced my approach to sex and not in a good way. I hope I will be able to get over it one day.

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Lady Girl

First, I don't think falling apart because of it is a reflection of your strength. A lot of sexual people who are in a relationship, and their partner is asexual, have trouble coping. Wanting to deal with any number of things in life and not always being able to is probably par for the course for most people.

I personally think it has been just as difficult for my husband to deal with as it has been for me. He has lived with feelings of failure and has worried that I would leave. We have had some really difficult times...both of us. I haven't had terrible mental health issues, but rather, I've struggled with anger and sadness. I guess you could call that mental health issues, but I've not seen anyone about it, nor have I had problems with self esteem (not since high school anyway).

The ultimate impact it has had on me though is positive. I have realized fully and completely that if I can't take responsibility for my own attitude and happiness in the relationship, we probably shouldn't be together. That is, if it is going to be sadness and fighting, that is unhealthy for both of us and not really representative of the love we claim to have for each other. I want to be with him and that means I get to have a nontraditional view of what an intimate relationship looks like.

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Percivel

I think your thoughts and feelings are very legitimate. Sometimes I have felt like I might "lose it" and that I might not be able to stay in control. It's very frustrating and scary when your feelings and thoughts consume you and you feel like you can't do anything to stop them. What you are experiencing is normal and valid under the circumstances. We feel for you. Many of us have been there...and still are.

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Down in Texas

I tried talking to my GYN years ago and he did not understand and suggested a book that was basically as if I was not getting what I needed out of the relationship as if it were my fault... Then he wanted to treat me for depression but that only made things worse for me. Some 15 or more years later he walked in and asks how things are? To which I started to cry, he then said "I now know what you have been trying to explain to me. Last month in our medical journey updates there was an article about asexuality." He then began to ask me questions and then he started to answer them for me since I could no longer talk... He tried again to put me back on depression meds saying there were new ones since I last tried them and he would like for me to try them again. He had me come back every month for a while changing them each time... I later told him there was not a pill made that could help what my problem was so he quit trying to medicate me. When I go in now for my yearly visits all he asks is how are things going? All I tell him is about the same no major changes on his part that I am trying to not want so much.

You are not alone however if you are seeing someone for your depression make sure they know what Asexuality is otherwise you are wasting your time and money.

Hang in there it is not your fault and we will be here to listen and help as much as we can.

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Honeybee1

I joined this website yesterday out of sheer desperation for help and understanding, words cannot describe how much emotional turmoil I am in right now. I have been with my partner for a year so not as long as you and I don't know what to do or where to turn. Its so difficult because until you are in this situation no-one can relate to it. My mind is all over the place, I spent all day yesterday crying, today I'm angry and i'm sure it will be different again tomorrow! I truly believe my partner is asexual although this is something we have not discussed but we have spoken on many occasions about our lack of intimacy. I have lost my confidence and self esteem completely, I look at myself and think I am not attractive or good enough. When I do receive compliments from other people or men I just laugh them off because I only want to hear it from the one person I love but has no interest in me physically. The worst part for me is not being able to comprehend or relate to his perspective on intimacy and sex because he doesn't want to talk about it and it has now become the white elephant in the room. After reading posts from asexuals on here I am completely racked with guilt about how I must make my partner feel and saddened that we will never make love the way I have always hoped and dreamed of. I love him so much but I feel totally lost right now :(

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Down in Texas

I joined this website yesterday out of sheer desperation for help and understanding, words cannot describe how much emotional turmoil I am in right now. I have been with my partner for a year so not as long as you and I don't know what to do or where to turn. Its so difficult because until you are in this situation no-one can relate to it. My mind is all over the place, I spent all day yesterday crying, today I'm angry and i'm sure it will be different again tomorrow! I truly believe my partner is asexual although this is something we have not discussed but we have spoken on many occasions about our lack of intimacy. I have lost my confidence and self esteem completely, I look at myself and think I am not attractive or good enough. When I do receive compliments from other people or men I just laugh them off because I only want to hear it from the one person I love but has no interest in me physically. The worst part for me is not being able to comprehend or relate to his perspective on intimacy and sex because he doesn't want to talk about it and it has now become the white elephant in the room. After reading posts from asexuals on here I am completely racked with guilt about how I must make my partner feel and saddened that we will never make love the way I have always hoped and dreamed of. I love him so much but I feel totally lost right now :(

No one has a right to tell you what to do in your relationship. What I can tell you is what I have been through and what I wish I had known before I married my husband. If you have read any of my post you will know that I have been married now for 40+ years and that we dated for over 2 years and that we were virgins when we married. You may also know that I have only found out about asexuality a little over 2 years ago…

Life has changed a lot in these past 40+ years. It is now acceptable to live together before marriage and divorce is more widely accepted than before. Even though I have no plans to ever leave my marriage now I wish I had known about asexuality before I married. What I took as respect was not just respect but the lack of interest in sex. I would not have gone through all I have if I had known differently.

If you are not already LEAGALLY committed to this relationship I strongly suggest that you think really hard about things before going much further with your relationship. When there is this kind of pain when as they say “the dew is still on the rose” then you need to consider what it may be like down the road when he becomes comfortable enough to not think he need to please you. When he feels that everything is fine because you do not press for sex. A one sided relationship often eventually drains you of all your energy. When you continue to give and give some more to only have your affection absorbed as if by a sponge with very little coming back you eventually start to resent the person you originally loved. Yes, I still Love my husband but it is not the kind of love I had planned it is not the intimacy and supporting love I expected it is more like he is my brother than my husband the only difference is we sleep in the same bed. He has problems showing affection however he has learned to accept it and enjoys what I shower on him. But he soaks it up yet does not give it back he is to uncomfortable and says he does not know how to so he does not try. The safe place to fall I had hoped to have, has never been instead he gets upset if I come to him with a problem or a disappointment. All I wanted was someone to share my hurt with but once I open up to him I have to deal with his anger/upset too. So I quickly learned to hold it all in and that is not good.

Again only YOU know what is truly in your relationship and how much you can endure. So take some time and know you can live with your choice. We will answer any question you may have. If you do not feel like asking them openly on a thread find someone you feel holds your values and PM them. Most on this site will gladly help you.

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Honeybee1

Thank you for taking the time to respond Texas, it means a lot.

This is my second long term relationship, I have no feelings for my ex partner but physical interaction and intimacy were never an issue and looking back something I took for granted. I truly love my partner and long for a loving relationship with him and I thrive on physical contact, I am a very patient person and although it was clear to me from the beginning he was not interested in intimacy and he has never felt a need to please me. I have persevered to try and establish the reasons behind it and hoped that things would improve. Based on what I have read on the internet and this site I think he is asexual but not something we have discussed. When I try to talk to him about our differences in this area he does not want to discuss it and his answers to my questions are vague and understandably defensive. He doesn't know what to do and neither do I but I know it's making me incredibly low and upset. I don't want to change my partner and respect his wishes, he says he loves me and wants to be with me forever but whereas others on here communicate and compromise it is not something he is willing to do. I'm not really sure where to go from here... I do wonder if love is enough?

I haven't read your previous posts but I commend you for being with your husband for such a long time and working through this, I am struggling to say the least after a year. You are a stronger person than most and I could feel and relate to every word you had written particularly constantly giving and receiving nothing in return. If only life was simple...

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Down in Texas

The one thing I want to make clear is life was very different 40 years ago. Also I did not go without sex we just had a difference in sex drive in the beginning, our real problems did not really start until we had been married for a little over 20 years it was then that sex came to an almost abrupt halt in just a short period of time. I had many nights where I shed buckets of tears while he never missed me from our bed and when he did he got upset and just said "come back to bed"

I know I would not go through all those years again. I loved him before we married and I loved him until now but I would not do it again. I would take my chances for Passion, intamicy and a fuller love than what I've experienced.

Please don't think that because others have done it that it makes you less of a person to want more.

They do not give us sex because they do not know how to. I know without a doubt that he loves me as much as HE can possible love another. But if I had it to do over knowing what I do I would not have married my husband. He is a good man and other than sex we have no major problems.

The thing is I am a Very needy highly sexual and it has been hard not having what I need in a relationship not just the sex but all the little things that go along with intimacy. I am starved for affection. Don't live the rest of your life wanting what you will never be allowed to feel.

Make sure real sure before going forward. I wish you nothing but the best no matter which road you decide to travel.

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Percivel

It most definitely is a long hard road. Both my ace wife and I have shed many tears over the years...and we continue to do so. We keep working at it. We keep plugging away. We are still trying to understand each other, and ourselves, in an effort to keep loving and seek peace and happiness together.

When your partner is your world the decisions become harder. You may find that you both can make it work...if both of you are cooperating...working together. As others have said, though, there is no cure or magic bullet. If you choose to stay together it will be a lifelong challenge. Your feelings and concerns are very real and valid.

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Down in Texas

I am a very patient person and although it was clear to me from the beginning he was not interested in intimacy and he has never felt a need to please me. I have persevered to try and establish the reasons behind it and hoped that things would improve. Based on what I have read on the internet and this site I think he is asexual but not something we have discussed. When I try to talk to him about our differences in this area he does not want to discuss it and his answers to my questions are vague and understandably defensive. He doesn't know what to do and neither do I but I know it's making me incredibly low and upset. I don't want to change my partner and respect his wishes, he says he loves me and wants to be with me forever but whereas others on here communicate and compromise it is not something he is willing to do. I'm not really sure where to go from here... I do wonder if love is enough?

I am sorry I did not address this part of your last post and it may be the most important part of your relationship, as far as any kind of sexual or intimate aspect in your relationship.

As I said before I cannot speak for all I am only speaking from my experience. Like you I would say I am a very patient person and I do not like confrontations. In the beginning of our relationship his lack of advances were seen as a sign of respect (I knew his Uncle years before I knew him. His uncle was our Priest. His uncle did not introduce us we meet at a dance). For me, this explained his lack of advances and I assumed once we married all would be fine. (All of my older cousins (5) had talked about their husband neediness so I figured everything I had heard was correct and sex after marriage was something I was looking forward to).

So in the beginning our biggest problem was his lack of sexual advances. I soon became the one that initiated 99% of all of our sexual encounters, in the beginning he sometimes turned me down. Once when I ask why, he told me, just a few months after we were married, that we could not have sex as often as I wanted or he would run out of sperm. I had only been taught about the female body and its functions, I knew nothing about the functions of the male body other than the basics of intercourse. I did not know if what he was saying was true or not so I decided to find out. The book “Everything you want to know about sex but are afraid to ask” was new, so I set out to find one. After an extensive search I had my book and discovered what he said was not true. It was then that I began to ask questions. Every question was answered the same way “I don’t know”. Even questions about his childhood were answered with “I don’t remember”. To which I would say “how can you know remember” or " how can you not know”. Thinking there was something he was hiding something deeply buried I changed my approach and worded my question in a different way yet still got the same answer.

It took ONE VERY tearful night some 40+ years into our relationship (counting our courtship) to finally get him to tell me that HE does not know how to make or start a sexual advance so he does nothing. He also told me he could not remember any of our past sexual encounters. He does not know from one time to the next how to touch me or where to touch me to turn me on, even though I have shown him almost every time when he ask in the last 20 years. So he is reluctant to start because when I correct him on where he is touching me or how he is touching me he gets upset as if his touch is not good enough. But if I don’t correct him he ends up hurting me because he thinks the more aggressive he is the more it shows his depth of love for me. I have learned that he has nothing to build upon, nothing to make him want to repeat what has happened before. Where I remember our past encounters he doesn’t.

I guess what I am trying to say is when he answers he doesn’t know he really doesn’t. When he doesn’t want to talk it’s most likely because he doesn’t know what to say, either to please you (since he doesn’t likely remember what it took to please you last) or he doesn’t remember enough sexually to answer your question. Thus this likely makes him feel inadequate or possibly it’s just another here we go again, thinking he answered this the last time. For him, if he is like mine, the difference is in the definition of LOVE. For mine LOVE is in a different form than what I viewed as love. As long as you are there meeting his needs or his expectations of LOVE, then you should be feeling as loved as he is. For my husband Love is me cooking and cleaning, having his children and taking care of the little things so he doesn’t have to. My husband’s needs are met; sex is not a NEED for him. After all these years sex is just part of a marriage that he seldom finds time for. He knows it is important to me so he tries for my sake. However, as the years have gone by and age is sets in it is getting harder and harder for him to function. Remember the brain is the largest sex organ in the body! And once the body gets to where it needs the brain to help it function (memories of sex) it is basically over. Because for my husband sex has never had a storage place in his brain it comes and goes and is over. When the brain can no longer find the pleasure to engage in sex even if it’s just for you then there are NO PILLS that can help it. Sex is the only thing my husband has trouble remembering, he is a very smart successful man.

I am sorry but only you can answer whether LOVE IS ENOUGH. For me if I had known what you know this early in the relationship I would have found it all. The difference once again is in the definition of LOVE. For most sexual LOVE includes sex for most asexuals, at least for mine, sex is not included in LOVE. You must make that decision for yourself no one knows how much sex means to you nor how much Love means to him. You are the only one that can answer those questions.

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Honeybee1

Thank you again for your replies.

It is uncanny the similarities in our partners, I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone but I wish none of us were in this situation. I think him being asexual is the closest I have come to matching his personality traits, but I have researched for months thinking of him as possibly autistic, aspergers or even homosexual. The thoughts that go through my mind are unbearable, I have become consumed by all this and he has no idea the pain it is causing me. I hate confrontation too and kept quiet for months it is only recently I could not take any more and started to question his behaviour but find no answers just a huge void between us and awkwardness.

I am a very sexual person too and I love any form of physical interaction not just sex and like I said before, having been in a relationship previously with great intimacy I know what we're missing out on but of course he doesn't function that way so has no interest or any idea of what i'm talking about. My partner has a 'persona' in front of his friends and family and loves to talk about sex and always enquires about their love/sex lives, playing along with the act is like having a main role in a theater production because I know the real him couldn't be any further away from the way he portrays himself to the public. The other frustrating part is that he pursued me and initiated all of this with his false persona, if he had been honest in the beginning about himself and his views I could say I would not have entertained it any further (sorry if that sounds shallow).

A few weeks ago he went to the Doctor about this (for my benefit) but was not truthful about how long he has not had an interest in sex so the Doctor put it down to current stress and dismissed him which I was crushed about hoping to find some answers. He also told me that he masturbates which upset me because I would love to be involved or a part of that interaction, he wants to do it to himself but not with me? :(

I think another part of my problem is that i'm a fixer, if something isn't working I want to fix it. I want to resolve this and make it work but i'm starting to realise this isn't a situation to be fixed, we are just simply incompatible.

I know this sounds like it's all about me and my feelings but I really do appreciate this is difficult for him also, the guilt I feel for expecting and wanting him in a way that he cannot compute or desire. It's such a shame because we used to laugh and have fun but these days it is very rare and most of our time together ends in an argument or heated discussion about this. I have never given up hope and sometimes that is my downfall because I constantly hope he will walk through my door one day and seduce me, I hope that he will touch me when we are laid in bed together, I hope he will initiate intimacy with me and reciprocate the love I show to him, even just to hug me or kiss me with feeling behind it but it never happens.

His definition of love are material items, cooking and telling me he loves me (which I do appreciate). He does put his arm over me in bed but places a pillow between us every time he stays over :( I feel so repulsive at times.

I know for my own sanity and health I should call it a day, I have tried to walk away before but I can't. My love for him is very deep and I don't want to give up on us at the same time I don't want to think about it or be in this situation any more. I'm worried this is going to scar me for life.

Sorry for the rant but it's a nice to get this out of my head and some things off my chest...

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Percivel

Us sexuals in a mixed relationship fight kicking and screaming trying to avoid accepting our ace partners as they are. Accepting that they won't and can't change is very, very hard to swallow. Thinking of a life "doomed" with little or no intimacy, at least in the way we want it, is bitter. It takes a long, slow and painful process to accept. The ace,is likewise experiencing much suffering.

Trying to seperate asexuality from personality can be a challenge, too. Aces act and react to their partner and others in ways we often don't understand because they don't want to be seen as "abnormal." They want friendship and love just like we all do. My wife and I are still "in the closet" about her asexuality because that's how she wants it. Over the years she has also acted sexual to play along socially. It is sometimes frustrating to me, particularly because one of my greatest joys in life is just watching her laugh and have fun with her friends.

I used to think my wife was often just plain cold and even emotionally abusive to me because I did not understand why she did some of the things she did (or didn't do) in our relationship and I was confused as hell. Understanding asexuality helps me understand much of what and why my wife does certain things. I have learned that she is acting or responding to the challenges of being ace...particularly one in a mixed relationship. I also now know that she loves me at least as much as I love her.

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Down in Texas

Thank you again for your replies.

It is uncanny the similarities in our partners, I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone but I wish none of us were in this situation. I think him being asexual is the closest I have come to matching his personality traits, but I have researched for months thinking of him as possibly autistic, aspergers or even homosexual. The thoughts that go through my mind are unbearable, I have become consumed by all this and he has no idea the pain it is causing me. I hate confrontation too and kept quiet for months it is only recently I could not take any more and started to question his behaviour but find no answers just a huge void between us and awkwardness.

I am a very sexual person too and I love any form of physical interaction not just sex and like I said before, having been in a relationship previously with great intimacy I know what we're missing out on but of course he doesn't function that way so has no interest or any idea of what i'm talking about. My partner has a 'persona' in front of his friends and family and loves to talk about sex and always enquires about their love/sex lives, playing along with the act is like having a main role in a theater production because I know the real him couldn't be any further away from the way he portrays himself to the public. The other frustrating part is that he pursued me and initiated all of this with his false persona, if he had been honest in the beginning about himself and his views I could say I would not have entertained it any further (sorry if that sounds shallow).

A few weeks ago he went to the Doctor about this (for my benefit) but was not truthful about how long he has not had an interest in sex so the Doctor put it down to current stress and dismissed him which I was crushed about hoping to find some answers. He also told me that he masturbates which upset me because I would love to be involved or a part of that interaction, he wants to do it to himself but not with me? :(

I think another part of my problem is that i'm a fixer, if something isn't working I want to fix it. I want to resolve this and make it work but i'm starting to realise this isn't a situation to be fixed, we are just simply incompatible.

I know this sounds like it's all about me and my feelings but I really do appreciate this is difficult for him also, the guilt I feel for expecting and wanting him in a way that he cannot compute or desire. It's such a shame because we used to laugh and have fun but these days it is very rare and most of our time together ends in an argument or heated discussion about this. I have never given up hope and sometimes that is my downfall because I constantly hope he will walk through my door one day and seduce me, I hope that he will touch me when we are laid in bed together, I hope he will initiate intimacy with me and reciprocate the love I show to him, even just to hug me or kiss me with feeling behind it but it never happens.

His definition of love are material items, cooking and telling me he loves me (which I do appreciate). He does put his arm over me in bed but places a pillow between us every time he stays over :( I feel so repulsive at times.

I know for my own sanity and health I should call it a day, I have tried to walk away before but I can't. My love for him is very deep and I don't want to give up on us at the same time I don't want to think about it or be in this situation any more. I'm worried this is going to scar me for life.

Sorry for the rant but it's a nice to get this out of my head and some things off my chest...

Like you I thought my husband may have been a homosexual since it ran in his family. He has an uncle about his age that is openly gay and I do not know about the uncle that is a Priest because his family put him in the Seminary at a very young age and he was not given a choice. It wasn’t until I found AVEN that I understood that he was not gay he just has a very low sex drive and all the traits of being a Gray A. He has read and agreed that the description fits him. Also like you I only discovered in the last two years that while I was newly married and anxiously waiting for him to come to bed so we could make love he was sitting in the bathroom pleasuring his self. It explains why he locked the door for years even when it was just he and I before the children came along.

Unlike your partner when it came to others talking about sexual behavior he walked away and sexual jokes went over my husband’s head. I would have to explain them to him later. But I see your partners theatrics as a way to appear NORMAL (a term my husband uses in some of our talks). When my husband is ask directly he can answer to fit the need.

My husband also pursued me as if he were as sexually charged as any other sexual male. He responded to all of my sexual advances with equal hunger. Petting was hot and heavy while we were dating. However the minute we said “I DO” everything changed. It was the last time he ever kissed me with passion or desire. It was the last time there was anything close to “making out”. It seems the chase was over and the prize was won so there was no need any longer for any of the practices that go along with acquiring a mate. It took three days after we married and my crying and asking what I had done wrong that made him not want me before we finally had sex. The Sex that night was short and sweet and the first sex we had ever had. I had expected all the fireworks that everyone talked about and hours in bed if nothing else touching and holding like we had done when making out while we dated. But it never happened then nor since.

My husband also went to the Dr. after he had an incident and was passing blood. I went to the Dr. with him because he was afraid he had cancer while there I persuasion him to discuss our sexual problem. The Dr. wrote him a prescription for Viagra (low dose) when we went back he had the results of Lab work and it showed he was very low in Testosterone so he started him on a patch. The patch was supposed to last for two weeks then you were to put on another one. However my husband would sweat at work and they would fall off and fall out his pants leg. This embarrassed him and he quit wearing them. Our next try was pills but they didn’t raise his levels. So the Dr. went to shots which I gave after the first one. The dose did not improve anything and they increased the dose. He was on this form of hormone replacement for a number of years until he got tired of getting the shots every two weeks. The problem with this was the peaks and valleys that caused drastic mood swings. He is now on the Gel which he puts on every morning this has proved to be the best for him yet it has had no effect on his sex drive or ability to function. I have learned that these must be controlled by the function of his brain and since his brain does not want sex his body does not function.

Sorry to inform you but there are no fixes this is just the way an asexual is. What you have now is the best it will most likely ever be. There is nothing wrong with them or us. It is just a fact of life we much learn to except because it cannot be changed any more than we can change who we are. That is why I have said that you need to look deeply and be sure you can live the rest of your life like this if not NOW is the time to get out before you get any deeper into the relationship.

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lissi

Thank you all so much for sharing. I feel such a baby at times. Knowing I am not alone helps.

One problem I have developed through 4 years of confusion and rejection is plummeting self confidence. I find myself constantly checking that it is ok to do something I want to do and, as here, that it is ok to feel what I am feeling. That's what 4 years in a relationship that made no sense because it wasn't real has done to me.

I am not sure what has hurt me the most, the years of lies or finding out the awful truth. I was lucky that my partner (eventually) realised what the relationship was doing to me and ended it. Would I have ended it? I don't know. Anxiety and depression has left me struggling to decide something as simple as what to have for lunch.

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Down in Texas

Thank you all so much for sharing. I feel such a baby at times. Knowing I am not alone helps.

One problem I have developed through 4 years of confusion and rejection is plummeting self confidence. I find myself constantly checking that it is ok to do something I want to do and, as here, that it is ok to feel what I am feeling. That's what 4 years in a relationship that made no sense because it wasn't real has done to me.

I am not sure what has hurt me the most, the years of lies or finding out the awful truth. I was lucky that my partner (eventually) realised what the relationship was doing to me and ended it. Would I have ended it? I don't know. Anxiety and depression has left me struggling to decide something as simple as what to have for lunch.

They claim that whatever is brought into the light can be dealt with and eventually healed...

Best of Luck. Please know we will be here to listen and help if we can...

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trapped.within.limbo

Lissi,

Welcome.

I'm late to this thread, my apologies for that and also that I'm going to target your OP rather than the subsequent responses.

What impact has it/does it have for me?

That's an easy answer - it's killed my self confidence. Not just my sexual self confidence, my general self confidence too.

Why do I persist in a relationship that clearly does me so much harm?

Because I love her as a whole. I'm lucky - the lack of sex and the mental damage to me that it does is less than the damage of losing her from my life. That's me though, its different for everyone.

You didnt get much of a choice here, but you still have choices. Everything is a choice. Sometimes your options all suck, really hard. But you still have a choice as to which sucky option you take. You have a choice now - do you choose to reject (not forget) the hurt and try again, or do you choose to wallow?

The best thing is that you can change your mind and change your course. Choose to wallow for a bit? Sure, crack on! You can always choose to stop wallowing at a later date.

Realise this... You are in control. Sad, happy, bored, excited, driven, existing - its all on you. There is no right answer, there is only the right answer for you at the time.

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lissi

Hi trapped

That's one of the really weird impacts, the general lack of self confidence. It it was simply related to sex or relationships it would be easier to understand. As for staying in a relationship that hurts so much, I may have done the same but he finished it - I will never know.

As for being in control of how I feel, I agree to a certain extent and I am trying. And yes I am wallowing but depression prevents much else at the moment.

Hi Einy

I hadn't thought about having problems in a future relationship. I guess this is because I don't think I will have another intimate relationship. My ability to trust has all gone. I hope you are with someone who makes you happy. And helps you to feel secure and confident again.

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lissi

I have seen it suggested elsewhere that the only thing a sexual partner misses out on in a relationship with an asexual person is the frequency of sex. If this is so perhaps someone can explain the level of pain I've seen expressed here?

I would just like to add that the asexuals who post in this sub forum are amazingly perceptive and understanding. I really don't know how you understand so well something you do not experience.

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Lady Girl

I have seen it suggested elsewhere that the only thing a sexual partner misses out on in a relationship with an asexual person is the frequency of sex. If this is so perhaps someone can explain the level of pain I've seen expressed here?

I would just like to add that the asexuals who post in this sub forum are amazingly perceptive and understanding. I really don't know how you understand so well something you do not experience.

For me, that is definitely something I miss in my relationship. Wanting something and frequently being turned down or having to adjust to a lack can cause a surprising amount of pain if you don't understand why your partner doesn't want to connect through sex with you.

As for seeming to understand sexual attraction...I don't think what some asexual people experience attraction wise is very different at all from what sexual people experience. There just happens to be a disconnection for some asexuals between attraction and desire for sexual interaction with the person they are attracted to. Some people are attracted to looks, some personality, others intelligence...having a deep or romantic connection with someone isn't foreign to all asexuals, but many don't associate that attraction to someone with having sex with them.

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Feral_Sophisticate

I have seen it suggested elsewhere that the only thing a sexual partner misses out on in a relationship with an asexual person is the frequency of sex. If this is so perhaps someone can explain the level of pain I've seen expressed here?

I would just like to add that the asexuals who post in this sub forum are amazingly perceptive and understanding. I really don't know how you understand so well something you do not experience.

Actually, I don't really experience any level of "pain" in what I'm "missing out on". I'm sexual, but highly sensual.

My ace partner in crime and I indulge our sensual sides, without invoking the sexual side - and honestly, if I "need it" that bad (and I've said it before), I have a hand and an imagination. So this "pain" you're referring to really doesn't exist, as she provides precisely what I want in a relationship.

Besides, in my eyes (and from my own experience), a healthy relationship isn't all about the sex, anyway.

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Percivel

I have seen it suggested elsewhere that the only thing a sexual partner misses out on in a relationship with an asexual person is the frequency of sex. If this is so perhaps someone can explain the level of pain I've seen expressed here?

I would just like to add that the asexuals who post in this sub forum are amazingly perceptive and understanding. I really don't know how you understand so well something you do not experience.

For me, that is definitely something I miss in my relationship. Wanting something and frequently being turned down or having to adjust to a lack can cause a surprising amount of pain if you don't understand why your partner doesn't want to connect through sex with you.

As for seeming to understand sexual attraction...I don't think what some asexual people experience attraction wise is very different at all from what sexual people experience. There just happens to be a disconnection for some asexuals between attraction and desire for sexual interaction with the person they are attracted to. Some people are attracted to looks, some personality, others intelligence...having a deep or romantic connection with someone isn't foreign to all asexuals, but many don't associate that attraction to someone with having sex with them.

Lady Girl,

Yes, but I don;t think the understanding of the lack of sexual attraction of the ace is the hard part for a sexual in a mixed relationship. The hard part is accepting that the door of sexual intimacy is now closed. That wonderful, beautiful door that sexuals so much expected and hoped for and wanted to experience with the love of our life is now closed forever. That is the hard part. As sexuals in a mixed relationship we HAVE to reduce sexual intimacy to just physical sex in order to get by. If we reduce sexual intimacy to just physical sex then it becomes easier to overcome the lack of it.

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Down in Texas

I have seen it suggested elsewhere that the only thing a sexual partner misses out on in a relationship with an asexual person is the frequency of sex. If this is so perhaps someone can explain the level of pain I've seen expressed here?

I would just like to add that the asexuals who post in this sub forum are amazingly perceptive and understanding. I really don't know how you understand so well something you do not experience.

For me, that is definitely something I miss in my relationship. Wanting something and frequently being turned down or having to adjust to a lack can cause a surprising amount of pain if you don't understand why your partner doesn't want to connect through sex with you.

As for seeming to understand sexual attraction...I don't think what some asexual people experience attraction wise is very different at all from what sexual people experience. There just happens to be a disconnection for some asexuals between attraction and desire for sexual interaction with the person they are attracted to. Some people are attracted to looks, some personality, others intelligence...having a deep or romantic connection with someone isn't foreign to all asexuals, but many don't associate that attraction to someone with having sex with them.

Lady Girl,u

Yes, but I don;t think the understanding of the lack of sexual attraction of the ace is the hard part for a sexual in a mixed relationship. The hard part is accepting that the door of sexual intimacy is now closed. That wonderful, beautiful door that sexuals so much expected and hoped for and wanted to experience with the love of our life is now closed forever. That is the hard part. As sexuals in a mixed relationship we HAVE to reduce sexual intimacy to just physical sex in order to get by. If we reduce sexual intimacy to just physical sex then it becomes easier to overcome the lack of it.

However it still does not fill the emotional needs. For ME I miss the emotional side of the relationship more than the lack of sex. There are some things I simply can not and DID NOT wish to share with anyone other than my husband.

Some of these would be the joy of discovering you are having your first child which my partner wanted also. Yet when we discovered I was pregnant he acted embarrassed instead of acting happy. Then when you first feel the movement of that child and wish to share it, he acts as if touching my stomach should be off limits, yet we are alone so there should not have been a problem. Then later at the birth there was no sharing of the joy of that birth just acted as if he were a friend at the occasion instead of the father of his first child.

The little intimate moments shared sometimes with only a look that never get shared. I would walk up behind him when he was sitting at the table working and run my hands across his shoulders and down his chest resting my head on his shoulder and nibble on his ear only to have him turn his head away and push me off.

I could go on and on. These are just a few. It's all the little things that have never happened that I expected as part of a LOVING relationship. Yet I know he loves me as much as he possible can love another person.

The hardest part is having had some of those intimacies before marriage and then after, it was as if he had a twin that swapped places with him.

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roryjack

Lady Girl,

Yes, but I don;t think the understanding of the lack of sexual attraction of the ace is the hard part for a sexual in a mixed relationship. The hard part is accepting that the door of sexual intimacy is now closed. That wonderful, beautiful door that sexuals so much expected and hoped for and wanted to experience with the love of our life is now closed forever. That is the hard part. As sexuals in a mixed relationship we HAVE to reduce sexual intimacy to just physical sex in order to get by. If we reduce sexual intimacy to just physical sex then it becomes easier to overcome the lack of it.
I've been battling with this lately. It is so deeply ingrained in me that I need to please my wife sexually. And I'm realizing that isn't something she wants or needs. She does want to take care of my needs, but her understanding is that if we just physically have sex, that should be enough. She can only tolerate a limited amount of touch. She has very little need for touch and doesn't really understand my need for physical intimacy. She knows it is important to me and will make efforts to touch me on occasion, which is sweet, if rather awkward. Her natural inclination is to avoid being touched. And yet I still feel that I should be pleasing her sensually. It is really hard for me to accept that she doesn't need anything physically from me. The evidence is all there, but it still feels wrong to me. it goes against everything I know about being a good lover. But I do want to love her, and that means I should stop trying to give her what she doesn't want.

The trouble is, for me sex is as much about giving pleasure as it is about getting it. It is far more than just the act. Sensuality is in the mind, It includes touch, but not just the touch. It is the intention behind the touch. If I settle for just physical sex, all that is missing. But I guess it isn't there for her anyway. I need to learn to accept that she is doing her best to love me too.

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Lady Girl

I have seen it suggested elsewhere that the only thing a sexual partner misses out on in a relationship with an asexual person is the frequency of sex. If this is so perhaps someone can explain the level of pain I've seen expressed here?

I would just like to add that the asexuals who post in this sub forum are amazingly perceptive and understanding. I really don't know how you understand so well something you do not experience.

For me, that is definitely something I miss in my relationship. Wanting something and frequently being turned down or having to adjust to a lack can cause a surprising amount of pain if you don't understand why your partner doesn't want to connect through sex with you.

As for seeming to understand sexual attraction...I don't think what some asexual people experience attraction wise is very different at all from what sexual people experience. There just happens to be a disconnection for some asexuals between attraction and desire for sexual interaction with the person they are attracted to. Some people are attracted to looks, some personality, others intelligence...having a deep or romantic connection with someone isn't foreign to all asexuals, but many don't associate that attraction to someone with having sex with them.

Lady Girl,

Yes, but I don;t think the understanding of the lack of sexual attraction of the ace is the hard part for a sexual in a mixed relationship. The hard part is accepting that the door of sexual intimacy is now closed. That wonderful, beautiful door that sexuals so much expected and hoped for and wanted to experience with the love of our life is now closed forever. That is the hard part. As sexuals in a mixed relationship we HAVE to reduce sexual intimacy to just physical sex in order to get by. If we reduce sexual intimacy to just physical sex then it becomes easier to overcome the lack of it.

I think that was actually kind of my point...the attraction is there, but for some of our asexual partners, it doesn't lead to a desire for sexual intimacy. That desire is what we miss.

Anyway, I also think if we as partners insist that the intimacy of sex is the only true expression of love, we create a kind of prison for ourselves and our partner. We will remain forever disappointed, and they will forever feel like failures.

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Feral_Sophisticate
I think that was actually kind of my point...the attraction is there, but for some of our asexual partners, it doesn't lead to a desire for sexual intimacy. That desire is what we miss.

Anyway, I also think if we as partners insist that the intimacy of sex is the only true expression of love, we create a kind of prison for ourselves and our partner. We will remain forever disappointed, and they will forever feel like failures.

I don't necessarily agree. Yes, my girl obviously will not sexually desire me, but she very much desires to be with me. That may sound like a simple point, but for me, it's huge. None of the exes I've had over the years have been as able to communicate that they want to be with me (even if sex is taken out of the equation) as she has.

The reason why I'm so content with not having it is simple. If I look back at every relationship that I've had in the past, and examine their faults and where the relationships have failed, the one item that all of them had in common was the sexual component, and the haste to involve it. She and I have removed that component, and thereby taken a great deal of pressure - as well as a common source of frustration and resentment - off the table. We're over six months into the relationship already, and the "red flags" that were issues with past girlfriends quite simply haven't come up. When you combine that with the very open communication that we have (yes, we're not perfect at it, but we are pretty good at it), and the "critical needs" (insofar as what I need and want in a relationship) are being met.

I can live without sex. I may miss it from time to time, but I am getting what I need the most.

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lissi

Not being desired is something I missed terribly in my relationship with an asexual man but above all I missed honest communication. If you have open and honest communication and can be totally yourself in a relationship, and they can be absolutely real too, you are so lucky. I don't think I would give that up either.

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Lady Girl

I think that was actually kind of my point...the attraction is there, but for some of our asexual partners, it doesn't lead to a desire for sexual intimacy. That desire is what we miss.

Anyway, I also think if we as partners insist that the intimacy of sex is the only true expression of love, we create a kind of prison for ourselves and our partner. We will remain forever disappointed, and they will forever feel like failures.

I don't necessarily agree. Yes, my girl obviously will not sexually desire me, but she very much desires to be with me. That may sound like a simple point, but for me, it's huge. None of the exes I've had over the years have been as able to communicate that they want to be with me (even if sex is taken out of the equation) as she has.

The reason why I'm so content with not having it is simple. If I look back at every relationship that I've had in the past, and examine their faults and where the relationships have failed, the one item that all of them had in common was the sexual component, and the haste to involve it. She and I have removed that component, and thereby taken a great deal of pressure - as well as a common source of frustration and resentment - off the table. We're over six months into the relationship already, and the "red flags" that were issues with past girlfriends quite simply haven't come up. When you combine that with the very open communication that we have (yes, we're not perfect at it, but we are pretty good at it), and the "critical needs" (insofar as what I need and want in a relationship) are being met.

I can live without sex. I may miss it from time to time, but I am getting what I need the most.

Oh goodness, I was talking specifically about sexual desire. Let me rephrase my statement then...

I think that was actually kind of my point...the attraction is there, but for some of our asexual partners, it doesn't lead to a desire for sexual intimacy. That desire for sex in our sexual interactions with them is what we miss.

Anyway, I also think if we as partners insist that the intimacy of sex is the only true expression of love, we create a kind of prison for ourselves and our partner. We will remain forever disappointed, and they will forever feel like failures.

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lissi

For me I think it must be all about intimacy. Whether it is the intimacy of sharing sexual activities or the intimacy of sharing private feelings, I really need it and I need it to be two-way. I always felt that there was something missing in my relationship. It certainly wasn't just sex. In fact my partner was very good at it. Because it wasn't something he desired it was all about pleasing me. Perhaps I should've realised something wasn't quite right.

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Crying

I am right there with you. It's a soul-destroying position to be in, being married to/in a relationship with a partner who doesn't need or desire a sexual connection. It's driven me to being a bitter, angry, sad person who struggles with depression and overeating because of the feelings of isolation.

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