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Can we settle this once and for all? Do sexuals get sexually attracted to strangers?


Neurula

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Thinking about it now, I don't think I have ever been sexually attracted to a stranger. Perhaps I am not sexual after all. Surely I must be though if so badly affected by a four year relationship with an asexual? How confusing.

I have never been either...it occurs for me later, after I know the person. I know full well I am sexual.

It does seem confusing. To be honest, wanting sex is what makes me feel sexual.

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WhenSummersGone

Thinking about it now, I don't think I have ever been sexually attracted to a stranger. Perhaps I am not sexual after all. Surely I must be though if so badly affected by a four year relationship with an asexual? How confusing.

I have never been either...it occurs for me later, after I know the person. I know full well I am sexual.

It does seem confusing. To be honest, wanting sex is what makes me feel sexual.

Why call yourselves sexual and not demisexual if you need to know a person well?

I also think opinions on sexual attraction vary on this site. If I don't actually think about sex with a person and get turned on by the idea of it then it doesn't count as sexual attraction for me.

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Totally. When I dated when I was younger, I observed it repeatedly with the majority of my dates. I found it offensive and demeaning to me as their date and to the stranger who was a whole person, not just body parts. They would stare, make remarks, express gestures, and even be so rude to ask me if I thought he stood a chance with the stranger (while on a date with me, no less). I heard and was told it's a guy thing, but, I'm not a guy so who's to say. My experience informed me that that it is pretty common. Heck, I'm old now and sometimes hire help in the yard ... I cannot believe how many times the help would tell me that some really hot guy or woman walked by. I'm thinking, I'm not paying you to stare at pedestrians and I'm definitely not paying you to speak to me about your attractions. Needless to say, I haven't hired anyone in a couple of years and my yard looks awful ... the worst on the street.

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This has come up before...I don't feel demisexual, I feel primarily sexual. It's only because of the sexual attraction model that me, my sisters, and almost all of my friends are now demisexual.

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i guess we have to keep in mind that humans are animals. biologically speaking, of course, although this applies to some of us attitudinally - just ask my wife LOL !

of course physical attraction can strike at any time. a sure turn-off is to begin a conversation with the "target". as a mature guy i can assure you that most such action shuts down the libido, especially when the "target" is much younger, then again when she has intelligence and maturity things intensify all the more.

sorry - running off at the mouth again. I'll take any outlet available to reduce my frustrations.

best

fred

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That is interesting Lady Girl. What model do you prefer? Having not even considered this before, I quite like the Collective identity model.

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That is interesting Lady Girl. What model do you prefer? Having not even considered this before, I quite like the Collective identity model.

I probably prefer that the definition simply include "and/or does not inherently desire sexual interaction."

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WhenSummersGone

This has come up before...I don't feel demisexual, I feel primarily sexual. It's only because of the sexual attraction model that me, my sisters, and almost all of my friends are now demisexual.

What do you feel that's different from being Demisexual? Like when you were single how did you feel more sexual? I'm just curious what the difference is. I feel left out sometimes because I don't understand how someone can want sex with someone good looking even though they don't know them well. I would need to go on many dates with someone before I'm ready to have sex with them.

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This has come up before...I don't feel demisexual, I feel primarily sexual. It's only because of the sexual attraction model that me, my sisters, and almost all of my friends are now demisexual.

What do you feel that's different from being Demisexual? Like when you were single how did you feel more sexual? I'm just curious what the difference is. I feel left out sometimes because I don't understand how someone can want sex with someone good looking even though they don't know them well. I would need to go on many dates with someone before I'm ready to have sex with them.

Being sexual doesn't mean a person wants to have sex with someone who's good looking on the first or second date. There are a lot of people who would rather get to know someone first and don't feel that it's demisexuality.

I feel sexual, because I always knew I wanted to be with someone in a long term relationship and that it would include sexual activity. I never thought of myself as being different from other sexual people...some of the people in high school were sexually active, many of us weren't. Waiting to find the right person to have sex with wasn't a big deal back then, a lot of people were waiting it out.

I guess part of the difference must be the current trends.

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WhenSummersGone

This has come up before...I don't feel demisexual, I feel primarily sexual. It's only because of the sexual attraction model that me, my sisters, and almost all of my friends are now demisexual.

What do you feel that's different from being Demisexual? Like when you were single how did you feel more sexual? I'm just curious what the difference is. I feel left out sometimes because I don't understand how someone can want sex with someone good looking even though they don't know them well. I would need to go on many dates with someone before I'm ready to have sex with them.

Being sexual doesn't mean a person wants to have sex with someone who's good looking on the first or second date. There are a lot of people who would rather get to know someone first and don't feel that it's demisexuality.

I feel sexual, because I always knew I wanted to be with someone in a long term relationship and that it would include sexual activity. I never thought of myself as being different from other sexual people...some of the people in high school were sexually active, many of us weren't. Waiting to find the right person to have sex with wasn't a big deal back then, a lot of people were waiting it out.

I guess part of the difference must be the current trends.

That makes sense, especially the trends part. I guess since I don't really think about sex much with my crushes I feel more Demisexual, because I can't form the right emotional connection without dating them first. I could easily go weeks without thinking about myself having sex and sex isn't the driving force for me. I feel companionship is more what I want which can include sex later.

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Everyone is different, just like not all asexuals are repulsed. For me personally, I experience sexual attraction to my husband. I don't think about sex with strangers. There is no definitive answer because plenty of people would find those examples don't apply to them and plenty would...another group of people might just say those things without actually meaning it.

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I, myself, have never experienced an actual sexual attraction to anyone I did not know. However, I've always been able to recognize whether a person is appealing. That, and I don't put it past myself to grow fond of one-night stands in a few years. I just have no interest currently. I still like to people-watch and admire people's bodies, but my thoughts are usually on drawing them rather than sleeping with them.
My brothers are different. They see pretty girls and go on and on about how they'd like to take them on dates and hopefully go further. We're all just teenagers, so there are only certain levels we can reach and things we think about, but our positions as sexual people are just as important as sexually active people, don't you think?

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Feral_Sophisticate

I get offers to "help me" deal with the fact that I haven't had sex since July 2013.

Though I'm flattered, it's not something that I feel I need to indulge in. If I felt I was truly missing it, I would either take these offers more seriously, or reconsider the future of my current relationship.

As I've said before, though, I'm not one to be attracted to random strangers (and certainly not the type to feel much of a draw to meaningless and random intimacy), and I don't feel that I'm really missing anything.

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As a sexual, I have a hunch that most Western societies are over-sexed, and that sexual attraction/desire to random people is a lot more rampant because people don't have other proper emotional supports in their life (part of the reason why drinking and drugs are used at a fairly high rate as well), haven't had enough close relationships with people of both sexes to see them as just other human beings, and haven't been exposed enough to the nude human form in non-sexual situations in order to be able to appreciate the artistic qualities it has (aka- cherries used to be just cherries, but now when some people see them, they get aroused and it reminds them of sex; since porn is all over the place, but non-sexual nudity is a lot less common, people tend to have the sexual connection to beautiful people's bodies). I think if society was healthier, we would hear the word "beautiful" a lot more than we would "hot" or "sexy," and people wouldn't be having conversations so often about what person they would like to jump on.

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WhenSummersGone

As a sexual, I have a hunch that most Western societies are over-sexed, and that sexual attraction/desire to random people is a lot more rampant because people don't have other proper emotional supports in their life (part of the reason why drinking and drugs are used at a fairly high rate as well), haven't had enough close relationships with people of both sexes to see them as just other human beings, and haven't been exposed enough to the nude human form in non-sexual situations in order to be able to appreciate the artistic qualities it has (aka- cherries used to be just cherries, but now when some people see them, they get aroused and it reminds them of sex; since porn is all over the place, but non-sexual nudity is a lot less common, people tend to have the sexual connection to beautiful people's bodies). I think if society was healthier, we would hear the word "beautiful" a lot more than we would "hot" or "sexy," and people wouldn't be having conversations so often about what person they would like to jump on.

I couldn't agree more with this! I also believe the world just isn't sexual but very addicted to sex. I think there's a line between sexual and needing sex like a cat in heat.

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Guest Scarlet Spider

Yes I do, all the time!

At school, at work and even at the grocery store. I see an attractive woman and I just happen to think about her sexually, that's all there is to it. This is also quite common when people hook up simply for casual sex. I'm not too keen on that since I personally am a virgin, but sometimes I do like the idea of just finding someone to be with for the night I suppose. However, i'm not really the type either. I'm sort of looking for someone to be with since I believe sex is much better when you're in love with someone (hence, being together or dating someone). though sometimes if i'm really in the mood I have to wonder if it's really that easy to set up a date specifically for a one night sexual intercourse session and then be on my way the very next day. :unsure:

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Feral_Sophisticate

I have to wonder if it's really that easy to set up a date specifically for a one night sexual intercourse session and then be on my way the very next day. :unsure:

Is it that easy? Sometimes, yes. I've been down that one night stand road before. It can be that easy.

Is it satisfying? It can be. It certainly can help with "scratching that itch".

Though I've been down that road, it's not one that I relish travelling again, and I haven't, yet. I found that this sort of arrangement did little to add to my life or my life experiences in the long run. All it did was show me very clearly what I did not want.

YMMV, and I offer the above with zero judgment on those who enjoy that sort of thing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think I identify as asexual, but a (sexual) friend of mine was telling me how she didn't experience sexual attraction until she herself had sex. Is this common amongst sexuals?

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I think I identify as asexual, but a (sexual) friend of mine was telling me how she didn't experience sexual attraction until she herself had sex. Is this common amongst sexuals?

I don't know that it's common, but that's the way it was for me and I'm sexual.

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Down in Texas

I think I identify as asexual, but a (sexual) friend of mine was telling me how she didn't experience sexual attraction until she herself had sex. Is this common amongst sexuals?

I don't know that it's common, but that's the way it was for me and I'm sexual.

I think I always knew I was sexual. I just did not know to what degree until I had sex the first time. That was not until after I was married.

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  • 3 months later...

Sexual attraction isn't always that simple. Sometimes one might see something erotic in a person, and something goes "ding!" in one's head... but one still doesn't want to have sex with that person, the primitive impulse is there but it doesn't extend all the way to wanting sex. Then there's also a difference between lust--actual sexual desire, and "I wouldn't mind at all having sex with this person and once we got going I know I would begin to experience lust or at least sexual pleasure with no significant impediment." I think a lot of people who are sexuals or less grays, and also generally (but not at all universally) males, experience much less impediment, so for them they not only experience the different kinds of initial sexual attractions at a higher rate (both in degree and frequency), but even when they don't experience it that strongly the threshold that attraction has to reach to initiate an interest in action is much lower than it is for those who experience impediment more strongly, like in the forms of "I'll be uncomfortable, I'll lose interest, I am turned off by these other traits this person has," etc. While some might choose not to act on sexual attraction for such reasons, for others they cut into or prevent the sexual attraction itself, or they might alter what a person defines as sexual attraction to themselves.

I am demi and now more grey. I had an adjustment period with internet dating, and the beginning of the hookup culture, when I eventually realized that newly disihibited guys that expressed sexual interest in me weren't that sexually interested in me at all. (Since my demi-ness can sometimes apply to intense stuff that isn't precisely romance.) I'm a bit of a sugar junkie so I'd compare it to how I'd probably eat a candy bar or cookie if it was put in front of me, even if I knew my interest in it and enjoyment of it would be just average or even below average... but still, heck it's a cookie. I am not so much desirous of *that* cookie so much as it triggers, first, my impulsiveness regarding sugar etc, and second if it's heightened, my cravings for sugar etc.

This is sort of unclear, and I sure don't have it all figured out, but basically I'd say that sexual attraction and its ilk are composed of a lot of different moving pieces, and they can change its nature significantly. The moving pieces may tend to be the same elements, but their proportions and interactions can vary a lot.

(And since I am demi/gray I had to have a very amusingly clinical conversation with my husband, mostly about a slightly alarmingly attractive dancer we recently observed, in order to check and clarify my thoughts.)

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In my experience, it is completely possible to feel sexually attracted to complete strangers. But everyone is slightly different. Personally, I only feel sexually attracted to strangers, or anyone other than the guy I'm dating, when not actually in a relationship.

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Absolutely. For proof just have a pretty girl walk through a construction site...and watch the heads turn. Further proof is the popularity of pornography and risque advertising.

If the purpose of sex, sexual attraction and sexual urges is for self pleasure....then there is nothing wrong with it.

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there is a fundamental problem with your question. You're looking for a one size fits all answer. Just like anyone else or anything else the answer is varied among individuals. For the most part I think people do though.

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Janus the Fox

Id say no, or extremely very few will ever experience sexual attraction to complete and utter strangers.

For the vast majority, I believe someone will need to know someone much better first beyond just physical appearance to ever experience sexual and other attractions. Most attractions of any kind don't come out of nothing I don't think...

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Absolutely, I am sexual and feel different degrees of attraction to many women, even complete strangers. It's mostly an automatic aesthetic response.

But it's not necessarily linked to romance. The girl I like is not objectively very pretty, but to me she could't look any cuter.

I don't really understand.

If you know she is not very pretty, how you can same time think she is?

Well I do understand in a sense of knowledge.

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  • 1 month later...

i am a sexual

i have been sexually attracted to strangers dozens of times

so yes this works

but also : people are different

so the magnitude of being sexually attracted may vary from person to person

and may even be so small that it will not be recognized

but it makes more sense if one would look upon all the sexualities as one big fluent thing

making all the different attractions and desires fluent too.

sexual desire would be a graph then, saying "sexual attraction has values from zero to X"

this way some people have none (we call them asexuals), some people have some, and some people have some more.

we could also expand that graph of sexual attraction by negative numbers to take care of sex-negative and anti-sexual

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As a sexual, I have a hunch that most Western societies are over-sexed, and that sexual attraction/desire to random people is a lot more rampant because people don't have other proper emotional supports in their life (part of the reason why drinking and drugs are used at a fairly high rate as well), haven't had enough close relationships with people of both sexes to see them as just other human beings, and haven't been exposed enough to the nude human form in non-sexual situations in order to be able to appreciate the artistic qualities it has (aka- cherries used to be just cherries, but now when some people see them, they get aroused and it reminds them of sex; since porn is all over the place, but non-sexual nudity is a lot less common, people tend to have the sexual connection to beautiful people's bodies). I think if society was healthier, we would hear the word "beautiful" a lot more than we would "hot" or "sexy," and people wouldn't be having conversations so often about what person they would like to jump on.

This was an enlightening post, thank you.

Absolutely, I am sexual and feel different degrees of attraction to many women, even complete strangers. It's mostly an automatic aesthetic response.

But it's not necessarily linked to romance. The girl I like is not objectively very pretty, but to me she could't look any cuter.

I don't really understand.

If you know she is not very pretty, how you can same time think she is?

Well I do understand in a sense of knowledge.

I also find it odd when people say that. I think they mean "she doesn't look like a Hollywood star, but I am attracted to her." It's a very weird thing to say indeed.

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