I'm born male, but feel female

[Islwyn]

When it comes to this intimate part of my life, I'm very much in the closet and I doubt I'd ever be strong enough to come out openly about this to people. But the truth is, my whole life I've wanted to be a girl. I've always had better friendships with girls than boys. I never liked being a boy. In fact, I think that's where my attraction toward females stems from (that leans FAR more heavily toward aesthetic attraction than sexual attraction); I've always been envious of the female body, and truly wish I would have been born a female. This is why I've always had a panty fetish, even when I was a young child in elementary school. I feel like masturbation is the only way I can ever come close to the feeling of being a female (it sounds ridiculous, I know, but most of my fantasies are simply fantasies about being female). Even in high school psychology class, we were divided up into seperate tables and got to know others at our table very well. When it came to the topic of gender and, "what if you could pick your own gender," I was the only one among the 5 at my table who said I would want to be a female. The people at my table were shocked, and when asked why, I couldn't give a definite answer. I mean, girls give birth, go through periods, and have more societal pressure to act a certain way. Still, my answer has never changed (though I was never again asked); I would much rather be a girl than a boy.

I don't identify publicly as a female, however. Only on a personal level. Because of this personal identity though, I do get very upset and frustrated with sexual stereotypes; especially coming from a very conservative Christian family, I was taught that because I have a penis, I should "be a man," and be out destroying my body and breaking my back to bring in an income, and if I experience pain, I can't whine or cry about it because I am then "less of a man." I've been always reinforced to "be a man." Don't express emotions. Don't acknowledge pain. Spend your life doing activities you hate because they're necessary to you. Yet in my own subtle ways, I subvert that. I no longer concern myself with appearing masculine. In fact, some people have called me "metro," and I don't feel offended in the least (the only time I got offended was when my grandmother complimented me on taking it well, saying, "at least you know it isn't true!"). I hang out with homosexual men and don't mind playfully flirting with them (even though I'm not sexually or romantically attracted to men). I don't mind being a bit flamboyant here and there either. But publicly, I still identify as a male.

What really got me thinking about it today, however, is the fact that yesterday, I went to meet a good female friend of mine for her lunch break off work, and we went to the mall to get food. I got a call right before I entered the food court and she asked, "This is going to sound really awkward, but would it be alright if we went to Victoria's Secret together? This is the only time I can do it to benefit from this certain sale going on..." I agreed to go with her (you know, with the fetish and secret fantasy of being female and all). She kept apologizing to me for how awkward this must be for me, but the truth is (and I didn't tell her this), I enjoyed my time there. Not neccessarily in a "mental sexual orgy in a room full of female underwear," sort of way, but in a sense of enjoying myself while looking through lingerie. Even as we were shopping, she taught me a little bit about female underwear so I could help her decide what to pick out, and it was actually pretty fun. Later that night after falling asleep, I had a dream that I was underwear shopping all over again and that I was actually wearing all of these feminine clothes. I woke up this morning very disappointed to find out none of it was true.

This is why I'm back after about 2 months away. I couldn't think of any better place to discuss this. Of course, I went through a bit of the forums first, and I found the master definition list, and came across this:

Demigirl: 1. someone assigned female at birth who feels but the barest association with that identification, though not a significant enough dissociation to create real physical discomfort or dysphoria; 2. someone assigned male at birth who is transfeminine but not wholly binary-identified, so that they feel more strongly associated with "female" than "male," socially or physically, but not strongly enough to justify an absolute self-identification as "woman."

I'll be honest, a lot of the descriptions were pretty difficult to follow. However, after reading it, this seemed to be the definition I most closely understand... Does anybody else here have a similar experience? If so, what do you personally identify as? I know that you cannot "tell me" what I am, but it would still certainly be a help if I could understand your story, understand what you identify as, and compare with my own experiences to figure this out. :)

(btw, since you all know this about me now, I really don't care if you identify me as male or female. This is the one place I could truly be open about this).

[vcq14]

The demigirl description you posted (" but not strongly enough to justify an absolute self-identification as "woman'): if society / your family didn't judge you, would you 100% identify as female without a second thought? To me, your description sounds more like transgender than demigirl, but I'm fairly new to this myself.

I guess I would be on the opposite side of the coin and would be a (gay) male-identifying demigirl; when I was younger, I was a total tomboy (only wanted to hang out with boys, sneered at girls' games/dolls, dressed like a boy). It never went beyond my pre-teen years, but I've never strongly identified as female (in fact, I am intellectually attracted to gay men and tend to be "campy" (I live for disco, dance music and Diana Ross). I never took it to, nor am interested in, crossdressing, however...no idea where this puts me on the spectrum!

[Islwyn]

To me, your description sounds more like transgender than demigirl, but I'm fairly new to this myself.

That was another definition that I was trying to work out, but I have no idea if "transgender" means you're comfortable identifying as the new gender or not. Then again, I'm not overly fond of the word "demigirl" myself, but hey, in the end, they're just words, right?

It sort of sucks... It's probably just my upbringing, there's a part of myself that feels a bit ashamed for identifying more as a female than a male. I don't want to feel shame for it though.

[vcq14]

I've read some on transgender...to me, it's not even a question of identifying with the "new" gender as you feel that it has been your rightful gender all along, it's just that your body doesn't match up with how you view yourself in your mind/heart. I commend you for sharing your story; it takes a lot of bravery, especially coming from the kind of upbringing you've had where your family expects a certain gender stereotype. My two cents would be to do whatever feels right for you; hopefully you have friends/coworkers that will be supportive if/when you decide to come out.

[Islwyn]

I've read some on transgender...to me, it's not even a question of identifying with the "new" gender as you feel that it has been your rightful gender all along, it's just that your body doesn't match up with how you view yourself in your mind/heart. I commend you for sharing your story; it takes a lot of bravery, especially coming from the kind of upbringing you've had where your family expects a certain gender stereotype. My two cents would be to do whatever feels right for you; hopefully you have friends/coworkers that will be supportive if/when you decide to come out.

Thanks very much Cyan. :) I'm just trying to figure this all out myself for now. So in the mean time, this forum will be the only place I can be open about it.

I wish you luck in your personal quests as well!

[Arctic_Revenge]

I can understand how vexing it must be for you, because I have somewhat of the same problem.

I was born and still am female, and I hate it. Although I'm not into football, nascar, body building, etc, mentally I am just not cut out as a female.

I play violent xBox games, I love men's suits, I watch TopGear UK, LOVE superhero movies, I eat like a guy, Bruce Banner is my goddamn Spirit Animal.

I'm also deeply resentful of my body for all of its female shortcomings (vulnerability, shortness, fragility, weakness), though I don't want a penis. Ew.

I'm built like a baby deer in a world of rhinos. No one takes me seriously, and I'm sick of living in fear of men because of their ability to easily overpower and violate me.

It leaves me in a constant state of stifled anger, bitterness, and violence. Most people don't even understand why.

They always tell me girls have strengths too: Agility, speed, smarts, beauty... Which are great, but not what I prize. And different isn't equal.

Point is, you aren't alone in the gender-unhappiness arena. Some of us just aren't assigned the right body by our DNA, or nurtured the right gender by society.

Dissonance sucks.

[Islwyn]

I can understand how vexing it must be for you, because I have somewhat of the same problem.

I was born and still am female, and I hate it. Although I'm not into football, nascar, body building, etc, mentally I am just not cut out as a female.

I play violent xBox games, I love men's suits, I watch TopGear UK, LOVE superhero movies, I eat like a guy, Bruce Banner is my goddamn Spirit Animal.

I'm also deeply resentful of my body for all of its female shortcomings (vulnerability, shortness, fragility, weakness), though I don't want a penis. Ew.

I'm built like a baby deer in a world of rhinos. No one takes me seriously, and I'm sick of living in fear of men because of their ability to easily overpower and violate me.

It leaves me in a constant state of stifled anger, bitterness, and violence. Most people don't even understand why.

They always tell me girls have strengths too: Agility, speed, smarts, beauty... Which are great, but not what I prize. And different isn't equal.

Point is, you aren't alone in the gender-unhappiness arena. Some of us just aren't assigned the right body by our DNA, or nurtured the right gender by society.

Dissonance sucks.

Is it safe to say that another area we are similar in is the idea of medical change? Personally, I could never do that... I can make my body look female, but I'll still produce male gametes.

I can understand what you're saying though. Physically, I'm not as strong as other guys. I don't value strength. When the guys around me go into their display of machismo, I navigate my way through with wit and wordplay (thankfully I have that to my advantage). But I honestly don't like being male at all. It just doesn't fit me. Ever since I was a little kid, I had fantasies (as an adult I know that these fantasies could never be true) that I was born a girl, but because my parents wanted a boy, had me sex changed, and now I'm stuck like this.... I don't think that a 6 year old typically has that sort of peer group yet to make him feel inadequate as a man, so it certainly isn't a product of a social environment. :P

If we live to see the day technology advances far enough for people to switch bodies, I'd be happy to trade. :P lol

[Cool_Blue]

I can understand how vexing it must be for you, because I have somewhat of the same problem.

I was born and still am female, and I hate it. Although I'm not into football, nascar, body building, etc, mentally I am just not cut out as a female.

I play violent xBox games, I love men's suits, I watch TopGear UK, LOVE superhero movies, I eat like a guy, Bruce Banner is my goddamn Spirit Animal.

I'm also deeply resentful of my body for all of its female shortcomings (vulnerability, shortness, fragility, weakness), though I don't want a penis. Ew.

I'm built like a baby deer in a world of rhinos. No one takes me seriously, and I'm sick of living in fear of men because of their ability to easily overpower and violate me.

It leaves me in a constant state of stifled anger, bitterness, and violence. Most people don't even understand why.

They always tell me girls have strengths too: Agility, speed, smarts, beauty... Which are great, but not what I prize. And different isn't equal.

Point is, you aren't alone in the gender-unhappiness arena. Some of us just aren't assigned the right body by our DNA, or nurtured the right gender by society.

Dissonance sucks.

Is it safe to say that another area we are similar in is the idea of medical change? Personally, I could never do that... I can make my body look female, but I'll still produce male gametes.

I can understand what you're saying though. Physically, I'm not as strong as other guys. I don't value strength. When the guys around me go into their display of machismo, I navigate my way through with wit and wordplay (thankfully I have that to my advantage). But I honestly don't like being male at all. It just doesn't fit me. Ever since I was a little kid, I had fantasies (as an adult I know that these fantasies could never be true) that I was born a girl, but because my parents wanted a boy, had me sex changed, and now I'm stuck like this.... I don't think that a 6 year old typically has that sort of peer group yet to make him feel inadequate as a man, so it certainly isn't a product of a social environment. :P

If we live to see the day technology advances far enough for people to switch bodies, I'd be happy to trade. :P lol

You know, we DO have ways to transition your sex from male to female or vice-versa right? I admittedly don't know much about them, being Cis-Genderless with no reason to want to change, meaning no reason to research it. But I know it has to do with hormones and stuff. So in a way you technically COULD trade eventually. It sounds like you're far from that point currently though.

[Manly Ace]

I play violent xBox games, I love men's suits, I watch TopGear UK, LOVE superhero movies, I eat like a guy, Bruce Banner is my goddamn Spirit Animal.

I'm also deeply resentful of my body for all of its female shortcomings (vulnerability, shortness, fragility, weakness), though I don't want a penis. Ew.

I'm built like a baby deer in a world of rhinos. No one takes me seriously, and I'm sick of living in fear of men because of their ability to easily overpower and violate me.

It leaves me in a constant state of stifled anger, bitterness, and violence. Most people don't even understand why.

Point is, you aren't alone in the gender-unhappiness arena. Some of us just aren't assigned the right body by our DNA, or nurtured the right gender by society.

Dissonance sucks.

Whoa ! Despite the fact that I'm a man (I hate "male", it sounds too...how could I say...like "sperm cell carrier") I can really understand what you can feel.

Except the sexual aspect, I definitely correspond to a "manly man" both in appearance and behavior, and I love it.

I don't like my genitalia too, I mean genitalias in general. Not in an aversive way though, but...I just don't like it. It's not a pride for me, like it can be for the other men.

I love competition and feel dominant during a prospective conflict with another man. I like the "power" concept.

Yes, it sounds a bit stereotypic but i feel that way anyway. And after all, gender society's roles and assigniations are quite superficials, no ?

Since the "female" gender is supposed to be weak and a bit "childish" (because women need to be protected by men, just like a liitle boy need to be protected by is mom), I can perfectly understand your feelings.

They always tell me girls have strengths too: Agility, speed, smarts, beauty... Which are great, but not what I prize. And different isn't equal.

Sure, and those qualities are not exclusive to women, because they definitely fit to me. :P

[NewfangledArtist]

I guess some of the things on this thread are about people wanting to be the opposite sex because some of you say you have either 'masculine' or 'feminine' behaviors. To be honest, I just dismiss the whole idea of how people should behave by 'unwritten gender law' and act however I want. I don't see how certain behaviors are only seemingly given to each gender as a 'birthright' of how the are and aren't 'allowed' to act. I feel it's old fashioned, repressed and wrong. Just a suggestion you might like, it works for me, but I can't say it will for all of you. I just find it silly how apparently girls can't be into cars, boys can't be into gardening, bodybuilding isn't 'feminine', men can't wear makeup, women must shave their legs, blady bla bla. As for men not being allowed to cry as you say, that makes me angry to be honest because we're all human. It's not healthy to tell men to repress how they feel, I also believe this is why male suicide rates are said to be higher. It's just wrong to say someone being a certain gender should deprive them of the right to express themselves honestly especially.

None of these are natural behaviors when you think about it, society made these fashions, hobbies, professions etc. Society also decided to label who does what by gender. It makes me feel sad when people feel something's wrong with them just because they don't 'behave' masculine or feminine to 'live up to' their gender, because none of it really makes sense. I just see them all as 'human' behaviors, that's really all they should be. And it should be up to the individuals own free will to adopt whatever boyish or girlish interest they want, I think these labels should be disregarded as they are somehow controlling over most everyone. I happily wear green/blue eyeliner when I want myself, yet if I were born a man and still had the same awesome greeny-blue eyes, I like to think I'd still wear it without care. I also shave when and if I feel like it. So, just giving you an idea of how cool it can feel when you stop caring about these prejudice gender restrictions and if you can just tell yourself to ignore society and call it all 'human' and nothing but. That allows you to just act like yourself without this silly 'guilt' that you're acting the 'wrong' way :) I enjoy it.

I've felt like Arctic Revenge at times in the past though. Sometimes I even get annoyed. I'm a strong person and I weight-lift to feel generally healthy and confident, I also think a lot so I can be pretty smart (not wanting to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, honest!) yet, I get so annoyed with how older men in particular treat me. It all 'darlin' this and that. I'm a smallish 5"4 20 year old with quite a baby face, and so people just seem to assume I'm: A) Weak B) Innocent C) Not smart, 'cause hey, if you think somebody is pretty they're not allowed to be seen as smart too, right? All that made me envy men who physically "looked like" they had the qualities I really did possess myself. Also nobody questions why a man weightlifters or why he is strong (that's fine!), but what's not fine is how a doctor I once saw looked concerned and asked me "Why a young lady such as yourself needed to start weightlifting at such a young age?!" I hate how that's somehow seen as suspicious by some people, like women aren't expected to be strong. The way he asked me, it sounded like he was curious as to whether I was ever abused. Women need a 'reason' to be strong apparently, like something out of an over dramatic soap opera. Men can just be that way, no questions asked. It really irks me. When I was a young teen I kinda envied men, not because I wanted a penis either (double ew! lol), not because I hated the way I actually looked, but because I'd never get such silly assumptions made of me if I were one of them.

/\ And that's when I grew out my leg hairs at age 14 for 2 years straight and started that philosophy of forgetting 'masculine' and feminine' behaviors. Just adopt or don't adopt whatever you want! :D Felt so much better since, and never again envied anyone else in general.

As for gender labels you may be interested in, I'm pretty no brainier there, sorry. I only briefly considered looking into agender myself so I don't know what labels you might enjoy to suggest. Personally I just prefer to say 'biological female,but I'll act however I want forget societies invisible laws' :P Good luck with it though, I hope you find figure out something to describe you that makes you happier :)

[Xenopsyche]

Does anybody else here have a similar experience? If so, what do you personally identify as?

Similar, yes. I'm not transsexual or transgender, I'm perfectly comfortable with the body I have and there is no way I'd ever opt for sex reassignment because I'd just look like a man in drag. I would just rather have been born a girl.

I can't explain why. If there was some procedure where I could swap minds with a woman then I would without hesitation, but since that isn't possible I've just accepted things as they are.

Oh, and I identify as male. Though if I'm ever given the opportunity to create an alternate identify for myself, like in a video game or things like Second Life, then I always make a female one.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I'll be honest, a lot of the descriptions were pretty difficult to follow. However, after reading it, this seemed to be the definition I most closely understand... Does anybody else here have a similar experience? If so, what do you personally identify as? I know that you cannot "tell me" what I am, but it would still certainly be a help if I could understand your story, understand what you identify as, and compare with my own experiences to figure this out. :)

I have a lifetime of those experiences, and they are not all without pain. Pressed for an answer, I would tell you I'am an androgynous human, as that seems to get the least amount of stinkeye.

I'd also say that one creates themselves through their memories, experiences, outlooks and actions. Thus, if you live "As If" and not so much as "If ONLY.....", you might find your own gender Shangri-La, a place that feels like a sanctuary and an incubator for these feeling to come to blossom, something they may never do in the deep dark closet.

But always remember, you can be most anything in life, but not always *everything* you want. Temper your hopes and desires with sober contemplation that there are certain avenues forever closed to you, but that there are sooo many more that *aren't*.

As the old Rolling Stones song said:

You can't always get what you want.

No you can't always get what you want.

You can't always get what you want,

But if you try sometimes, you just might find...

You get what you need.

[helloimhere11]

hey i can relate what you are saying for sure... I defiantly feel a bit confused on where i lie gender wise. Like i have friends who are gay, trans, bi straight.... and I to ally can agree with kinda flirting with guys but nothing to sexual(maybe kiss) ass for the whole wearing woman's clothing and getting gratification i have experienced it to!! to be honest it makes me feel a bit guilty tho so i through out all of my clothes that where feminie... Its hard to say where we lie or what we are defined as... for me i guess i would talk to my girl friends about there sex lives a bit, talk about clothing , etc and it would kind of turn me on to!!! It gets frustrating though because I would like to have a girlfriend but with all of those crazy emotions feeling more femmine trying to get turned on by clothing / online chat / etc its like how am i supposto feel confident and proud of my self when entering a relationship with a woman!? for example say if i got into details with a girl about thongs, guys and stuff.... and then if i talk to one of her friends and don't bring up any of that stuff and start to feel I like her?! its like well shit now if i see her friend i discussed that stuff with online and I'm trying to get maybe with her friend i don't think it looks good on my part hahah... this is all pretty random but yea I'm working on stuff and trying to control my emotions and what i talk about with people on line... cause i don't think it is healthy to use girls to get information on clothes, guys and kinda spin it around and make it involved with gratification! sorry if this all sounds fucked up but yea

[Philip027]

I tend to feel a lot like this, even though I definitely would not want a female body (not because I like my male body in any particular way, but just because it seems like a pain in the ass to have a female body, in multiple ways) and I can't say I've got any kind of underwear fetish >_>

[Phofaux]

Yeah, i can dig it. I mean i am on the opposite side but i understand. Closeted mostly, with the occasional crossdressing. Feeling like I was put in the wrong body but presenting as my natal gender for the sake of others. Sigh. What has helped me the most with coping with my gender identity, honestly, is facebook. Joining some of the closed trans groups has really made me feel, not only more informed, but less alone.

[luxurieux]

I'm still undecided about my gender, but I can relate a little. I feel quite masculine yet pretty agender at the same time. I know I don't feel very in tune with my female sex, but I don't know if I would feel any better if I transitioned all or even part of the way. I don't experience much dysphoria when it comes to my body, but I do feel pretty out of place when people refer to me as a girl.

I'm also wondering if this has to do with my religious, conservative, homophobic/transphobic family and the ideas they have that have been impressed upon me throughout my life. I wonder if I were to move somewhere I know no one, I would feel more comfortable presenting as male.

Re-reading the definition of demigirl, though, I think I may consider adopting the "demiguy" label for myself. Agenderfluid has been working for me pretty well, but demiguy seems to fit my idea of how I perceive myself.

[Amathy]

Its nice to know that other people feel similarly. I'm biologically a female but if I could change my sex I would. I feel quite similar to Arctic_Revenge in how I feel about my female body and why. I dislike the stereotypes and behavioral expectations associated with being biologically female. I feel most comfortable and like myself when I present myself as a male. Due to the fact that most people know me as a female, I typically default to female when around them. However, whenever I go somewhere new, I prefer to go as a male. Any character I create for myself is always male. I'm new to discovering my gender identity but it has been a relief to allow myself to express my more masculine side.

I'm also deeply resentful of my body for all of its female shortcomings (vulnerability, shortness, fragility, weakness), though I don't want a penis. Ew.

I'm built like a baby deer in a world of rhinos. No one takes me seriously, and I'm sick of living in fear of men because of their ability to easily overpower and violate me.

It leaves me in a constant state of stifled anger, bitterness, and violence. Most people don't even understand why.

I highly recommend some type of martial arts that will teach you how to fight (or at least a series of self defense seminars) if you fear being overpowered. It's helped me be less nervous and suspicious. I totally understand your anger at being weaker, I couldn't have phrased my discontent any better; and I'm also annoyed at how most people don't understand. (though I would choose to be male, penis and all, given a choice)

[Nathan21]

Hi I know exactly how you feel as I feel exactly the same? 

[Nathan21]

On 27/02/2014 at 8:32 PM, Xenopsyche said:

Similar, yes. I'm not transsexual or transgender, I'm perfectly comfortable with the body I have and there is no way I'd ever opt for sex reassignment because I'd just look like a man in drag. I would just rather have been born a girl.

I can't explain why. If there was some procedure where I could swap minds with a woman then I would without hesitation, but since that isn't possible I've just accepted things as they are.

Oh, and I identify as male. Though if I'm ever given the opportunity to create an alternate identify for myself, like in a video game or things like Second Life, then I always make a female one.

That's the same here

[X86]

On 27/02/2014 at 3:30 AM, Islwyn said:

When it comes to this intimate part of my life, I'm very much in the closet and I doubt I'd ever be strong enough to come out openly about this to people. But the truth is, my whole life I've wanted to be a girl. I've always had better friendships with girls than boys. I never liked being a boy. In fact, I think that's where my attraction toward females stems from (that leans FAR more heavily toward aesthetic attraction than sexual attraction); I've always been envious of the female body, and truly wish I would have been born a female. This is why I've always had a panty fetish, even when I was a young child in elementary school. I feel like masturbation is the only way I can ever come close to the feeling of being a female (it sounds ridiculous, I know, but most of my fantasies are simply fantasies about being female). Even in high school psychology class, we were divided up into seperate tables and got to know others at our table very well. When it came to the topic of gender and, "what if you could pick your own gender," I was the only one among the 5 at my table who said I would want to be a female. The people at my table were shocked, and when asked why, I couldn't give a definite answer. I mean, girls give birth, go through periods, and have more societal pressure to act a certain way. Still, my answer has never changed (though I was never again asked); I would much rather be a girl than a boy.

I don't identify publicly as a female, however. Only on a personal level. Because of this personal identity though, I do get very upset and frustrated with sexual stereotypes; especially coming from a very conservative Christian family, I was taught that because I have a penis, I should "be a man," and be out destroying my body and breaking my back to bring in an income, and if I experience pain, I can't whine or cry about it because I am then "less of a man." I've been always reinforced to "be a man." Don't express emotions. Don't acknowledge pain. Spend your life doing activities you hate because they're necessary to you. Yet in my own subtle ways, I subvert that. I no longer concern myself with appearing masculine. In fact, some people have called me "metro," and I don't feel offended in the least (the only time I got offended was when my grandmother complimented me on taking it well, saying, "at least you know it isn't true!"). I hang out with homosexual men and don't mind playfully flirting with them (even though I'm not sexually or romantically attracted to men). I don't mind being a bit flamboyant here and there either. But publicly, I still identify as a male.

What really got me thinking about it today, however, is the fact that yesterday, I went to meet a good female friend of mine for her lunch break off work, and we went to the mall to get food. I got a call right before I entered the food court and she asked, "This is going to sound really awkward, but would it be alright if we went to Victoria's Secret together? This is the only time I can do it to benefit from this certain sale going on..." I agreed to go with her (you know, with the fetish and secret fantasy of being female and all). She kept apologizing to me for how awkward this must be for me, but the truth is (and I didn't tell her this), I enjoyed my time there. Not neccessarily in a "mental sexual orgy in a room full of female underwear," sort of way, but in a sense of enjoying myself while looking through lingerie. Even as we were shopping, she taught me a little bit about female underwear so I could help her decide what to pick out, and it was actually pretty fun. Later that night after falling asleep, I had a dream that I was underwear shopping all over again and that I was actually wearing all of these feminine clothes. I woke up this morning very disappointed to find out none of it was true.

This is why I'm back after about 2 months away. I couldn't think of any better place to discuss this. Of course, I went through a bit of the forums first, and I found the master definition list, and came across this:

Demigirl: 1. someone assigned female at birth who feels but the barest association with that identification, though not a significant enough dissociation to create real physical discomfort or dysphoria; 2. someone assigned male at birth who is transfeminine but not wholly binary-identified, so that they feel more strongly associated with "female" than "male," socially or physically, but not strongly enough to justify an absolute self-identification as "woman."

I'll be honest, a lot of the descriptions were pretty difficult to follow. However, after reading it, this seemed to be the definition I most closely understand... Does anybody else here have a similar experience? If so, what do you personally identify as? I know that you cannot "tell me" what I am, but it would still certainly be a help if I could understand your story, understand what you identify as, and compare with my own experiences to figure this out.

(btw, since you all know this about me now, I really don't care if you identify me as male or female. This is the one place I could truly be open about this).

I'm late to this, but holy shit. I can relate to this to an almost terrifying extent. Well, I don't have a panty fetish, and I wasn't raised Christian, but that's about it.

 

You have no idea how happy I am to stumble upon a person who feels so similar about their identity.

[Melboy]

Islwyn, I wish I'd found your post so much sooner - but this thread still seems active so I guess I might as well put my comment in here. First and foremost, your description of how you feel in terms of your sexuality is nearly a carbon copy of mine. All my life too I have harboured this secret longing to have been born female. I very clearly remember at the age of 7 having a moment of epiphany, when I looked down my male genitals and had this powerful desire for them not to be there. I hardly knew what girls looked like "down there" but I had this instinctive yearning for there to be "nothing" there, no bump in my underwear. I remember then going to find my mother and telling here I wanted to be a girl. In those less enlightened times, it's not surprising when she rebuffed my comment with a casual "no you don't want to be that, you're a boy".  The years went by and in my early teens I watched as my friends became more masculine and spent their time playing boy sports whereas I became more isolated and spent a lot of my time alone riding my bike. The confusing thing is that I found girls attractive, in fact I developed an all consuming crush on two girls who lived nearby but again, I hid these feelings within me. The only outward demonstration of my yearning to be a girl was that I let my hair grow as long as I could get away with it. This led to some boys asking if I was a boy or a girl (which I admit was a fair question as to those who didn't know me, I facially could pass as either). As I grew into my late teens, I did begin to go out with girls but I was always hesitant of how far I should go with them. In a way, I think I was trying to prove to myself at the time that I could be male, that sex with a girl was enjoyable whereas I actually wasn't sexually attracted to men at that time. I continued to adopt the male role through my 20s, got married and had children and in my 40's divorced. This was a watershed for me as during my married life, I gradually came to terms with the fact that I wasn't gay per se but that I had this lifelong yearning and sadness that I was not female. I needed to discover this inner me and so I went online and spent many hours identifying as female in chatrooms, not for sexual gratification but rather simply to express my inner female persona. I found this incredibly liberating and it was very addictive for the first few months. However, this of course had its limitations insomuch that a conversation with a man would inevitably get to the point where we might either want to exchange innocent pictures or talk or even meet. I always had to find some excuse, much to my frustration for not being able to do so. I then began to frequent gay chat rooms which then led to meeting a man for my first gay experience. I did this not because I found men sexually attractive but because I needed to physically express my female persona. It was a big step for me and it did provide some form of reconciliation with what I wanted to be but that first experience affirmed to me that  I wasn't gay. My orientation was more complicated than this. In fact Islwyn, like you said, I also found the feminine form extremely attractive also because I wished so much for my body to be so. Looking back, I also realise that some women I have had crushes for has been driven not necessarily because I wanted to have a sexual relationship with them but rather, because I revered them, envied them and wished I was like them. Over the years, I've tried to describe my gender orientation. One pretty close one is of a lesbian being born in a man's body. But even this is not a precise description of what I feel I should be.  The simplest thing would have been for me to have been born female from the outset. The next best thing would have been gender reassignment before puberty but in those days, it was unheard of. My culture, family pressure and other factors would have realistically ruled this out in any case, as would have been the case if in my 20's I'd announced I was going to change sex.  Even mentioning that someone was gay in my 20's would have been largely unacceptable at that time. So, fast forward to now and I'm now in middle age, I have had a female partner for many year and we had healthy heterosexual relationship. I am now single again and my female persona has risen to the surface. At this stage in my life, I don't think there is a lot more I can do about my situation. I won't be "outing" myself to friends and family. I don't want to dress as a woman because my physique is about as un-feminine as a middle aged man can look. It would be absurd. This is not self-pity, it is a pragmatic and logical assumption that I will never publicly express my hidden self and my "secret" will follow me to my grave. I of course regret that my true identity will never be allowed to be set free but I'm realistic that there are probably thousands, if not millions of other people through the ages who will have felt similar to me. Maybe it's the big unspoken secret, that there are a lot of men who have a characteristic of this sort. After all, we all start as female embryos and it's only when we're flooded with certain hormones that we become male, so maybe it's something deep rooted in all of us. I do sometimes imagine what life for me would have been like as girl and then a woman. I think back at various experiences in my life and transpose myself as a girl or a woman in those situations and thereby live a "what would have been" life in my mind. Even now, I go about my daily life imagining I'm female. It's a fairly constant presence especially as I'm single now. But, I'm not gay so I'm not going down that route again with men. If I do have a partner in future, it will be a woman, because I revere that female form, I have had wonderful relationships with women to whom I've been a man to them. That's maybe confusing to read but yes, I've been a proper man to the women in my life and that his worked well alongside my female persona. It would be interesting to know what other readers might make of this.

[danisanerd]

I'm genderfluid, and mostly just fluctuate between feeling demiboy and agender, but a disnctistion that i made from other genders is that i never feel 100% of any gender, its always split or fluctuating. I wouldn't feel comfortable being a guy or a girl all the time, and at least for me, thats about as good as a description of demi-genders that i can make. Hope this helps!!

[Dakota_]

I feel the exact same way, except I'm a girl, but I just have this burning, almost painful want to be a boy. And it's almost terrifying, because I don't understand it. I get a chuck load of self-loathing from it, but that's all I can figure out. 

 

[Guest]

Currently mobile so no green this time

Locking this due to necromancy

 

~Jayce