Sexuals on asexuals

[LittleBee]

I'm curious of your experiences with asexuals, since, you've obviously encountered them to end up here.

What are your views in general.

[Sally]

As an asexual on AVEN, I'll put a caution in that asexuals read this topic also -- so comments should heed AVEN's TOS.

[Lady Girl]

Well, my view is that as people they are just like everyone else (and have many differences among themselves, just like everyone else). In my own personal experience...my husband simply lacks the same desire for partnered sexual interaction that I have.

So basically, my experience has been a marriage with some sexual disparity, but otherwise probably a lot like other relationships. It has it's good moments and it's bad moments. Ultimately, we love each other and want to be with each other so we both do the best we can to treat each other right.

[Pandante]

Most of us sexuals have only met one asexual, so it's difficult for any one of us to say anything "general", but having read others' stories of relationships and marriage, i'd say we share a lot of common experiences.

And it's pretty much like Lady Girl says for me too. I also just consider my situation as a marriage with sexual disparity. Holistically there is mutual love, respect, and a strong desire to spend the rest of our lives together, supporting each other, whatever happens. It's (very) hard to deal with the absence of sexuality and physical intimacy, which is why i'm here, but this happens in non-mixed relationships too.

So, apart from that, i haven't experienced any differences between mixed and non-mixed relationships. The same rules apply.

I'm wondering if you want to know anything specific, or if there is a particular reason you are asking a fairly vague question?

[LittleBee]

As an asexual on AVEN, I'll put a caution in that asexuals read this topic also -- so comments should heed AVEN's TOS.

I'm asexual, thats why I'm asking, since I don't know what sexuals think.

[LittleBee]

@LadyGirl and Pandante

Thanks for your replies. Im glad to hear that you can view asexual/sexual relationships with such a healthy view. A lot of the time, as an asexual, I can feel like I am "weird" or "wrong" particularly when I am in Uni and there is often a lot of very open, very frank, and very sexual discussions. Everyday I am bombarded with people talking about sex which is discomforting for me, yet reading your comments, saying that Ace's are just like everyone else really ... Its something all asexuals should be reminded from time to time, its hard to remember you're human when people treat you as if you are incapable of feeling and loving like a normal human just because you can't feel this attraction that is considered "normal for humans."

As for wanting to know anything specific, I really just want to hear anything sexuals want to say about aces haha. Its a start, since I am surrounded by my circle of friends, they provide one kind of view, which can be similar, or insanely different, to the views expressed here. I really just wanted to start up a discussion and see where it leads ^___^

Sex is very important for some people, I can't understand why, so I'd like to understand how those people (sexual people) understand less sexual people (aces).

Even with friends in a not-dating scenario (as in you are just friends) would asexuality impact your view of them? Dating aside, does the fact that your friend is an asexual change the way you relate to them when compared to hetero/homo/bi/other people?

Both Pandante and LadyGirl are in mixed relationships, so I understand you don't appear to have ace friends that are "just friends" (you are married to asexuals). but, would it be possible for you to imagine the kind of scenario wherein you are friends (and just friends) with an ace? How would that colour your view and/or behaviours?

[Sally]

As an asexual on AVEN, I'll put a caution in that asexuals read this topic also -- so comments should heed AVEN's TOS.

I'm asexual, thats why I'm asking, since I don't know what sexuals think.

Sorry, I wasn't clear at all. I was afraid that some sexuals new to AVEN would make comments that might be uncomfortable for asexuals.

[Pandante]

Yes, i'm pretty sure Aces are like everyone else, and as varied as every other category of sexual orientation :) On AVEN you'll find many sexuals think this way, but most of the world is not even aware of the existence of asexuality. And in the absence of awareness, people can be insensitive and even mean.

Even if you tell someone about asexuality, they are often incredulous because they thought they knew all there was to know about sexuality. To avoid long debates with skeptics, I always only talk about asexuality to people who I know have an open mind and will understand.

I can imagine how depressing it is if people behave awkwardly around you just because you don't relate to things they're obsessed with. So asking for general opinions of sexuals here about asexuals makes sense. And I hope you find solace from that.

If I knew that my friend was asexual, I would probably just steer clear of topics of sexual nature. Nothing else in my behaviour would be different, I think, because to me the existence of asexuality as normal as the existence of, say, cake.

Just tonight, I was at a party with my wife and there was a phase when a few of our good friends started making lots of sexual innuendos and jokes. I laughed, but my wife just phased out and distracted herself with her mobile. I moved with her to a different group of people and she felt comfortable again. This happens fairly frequently when we are out with our international friends here in Tokyo, but not so much when we're out with our Japanese friends, as Japanese don't really make sexual references in conversations. (It's quite a taboo talking topic.) It's not that my wife was grossed out by anything, she just didn't find it so funny after a while, because she doesn't identify with any kind of physical or sexual attraction. I could sense how she felt disconnected during those moments.

I can very much understand the frustration that asexuals face in a sexual society. I think many sexuals who are in a mixed relationship can. That's because they also have a very limited number of people they can talk to about their relationship and the struggles of sexual incompatibility. I only have three friends to whom i've ever spoken about the mixed aspect of my relationship. It's not easy to find open-minded people, even finding one or two to talk to is very comforting.

[LittleBee]

Pandante, you are a credit to sexual people, honestly. I find your response very refreshing, the way you think of sexuality and asexuality in particular is very ... very kind to the kind of stuff I hear some people say. Your wife is very fortunate indeed to have met someone so understanding.

to me the existence of asexuality as normal as the existence of, say, cake.

Haha I see what ya done there!!! Cake jokes, brilliant x) Its hard enough to come across sexual people who are knowlegable of asexuality (like real knowledge, not things they think they know which are actually grossly misconstrued) and who get the subtleties like cake jokes xD

I havent been to Japan, but I've seen some TV Shows and read some facts about Japan and talked to a couple of Japanese people, and (Perhaps I am wrong, as I say I haven't been to Japan) I think its ... a relief that there are countries where sex is not the be-all and end-all of conversation. Sex is really emphasised in the west TT_TT , while some innuendos fly right over my head, if I get them, provided they aren't particularly graphic or vulgar, I'll laugh as well, but what I find people do here (perhaps its just the culture in university students or perhaps its just a western thing, I can't be sure) is they openly discuss their own sexual practices, they may not "name names" but they openly discuss things like positions or sexual fetishes. Its one thing to make a quick dick joke, but its another thing to start discussing your sexual habits, (at least IMO it is). Its like, with a joke, its just a joke, ha-ha okay thats it, but when someone discusses their sex life, its deeply personal, and since the people they are talking to generally dont have the intention of partaking in sex with that person, it is beyond me why they would discuss so openly (on a one to one basis with someone you are curious to discuss things is fine, but in a group of 7 people? Im not sure if Im particularly prudent, but if I was very sexual, I wouldn't want 7 or 8 people in my circle of friends to be aware of my sexual practices!)

Perhaps a more modest culture would be appropriate. Im all for sexual freedom, but really, do these people want everyone in the cafe to hear them talking about why they think anal sex is attractive or whatever?! I'd rather not broadcast that xD

[Lady Girl]

I had a post and it got eaten, so I'll try again. I come in close contact with people from many walks of life and I try to be respectful of them no matter their sexual orientation, religious or political affiliation, social/economic status, etc. I personally don't like talking explicitly about sex with clients, coworkers, family or friends...and don't unless someone brings it up first (and preferably in private). I would treat an asexual friend just like...a friend. :)

[LittleBee]

You're both so sweet I could just ... hug your brains out hehe. Sucks that your post got eaten LadyGirl TT^TT But you're totally right! I find it strange that some people can be so vocal about their sex lives, or about their friends sex lives ... it seems kinda disresectful to me, I know I wouldnt want my friends shouting about "My wild BDSM binges" or if I had a partner, I wouldn't want them to discuss our personal sex life with people!!!

I think next time my friends discuss their sex lives, I will ask them why exactly they are compelled to do so. Its interesting to learn these kinds of things.

[Lady Girl]

There's probably a lot of reasons people talk about it, some might because they enjoy hearing other people's stories or seeing how friends react to theirs, others seem to know it will make some people uncomfortable and that might be slightly exciting to them. There's so many reasons that people like and want to be explicit and sometimes more than one for some people. My coworkers and I all agree that it's just too personal, so thankfully it is a non issue there. I hope that if it bothers you, someday you'll have a friend that is considerate in that area. :)

[Percivel]

Little Bee,

If I never had a relationship with my wife, I would likely have been suspect of the concept of asexuality. I definitely would have had mixed feelings about it. I probably would have thought that aces had "issues"....like a traumatic experience in their life which made them that way. I wouldn't have treated them differently, however. They are still human beings...worthy of love.

About ten years ago I thought I invented the term "asexuality" in my plight to understand my wife. That was well before I found AVEN and was actually how I found AVEN. I know other sexuals on this site thought they invented the term, too. Despite my wife knowing that I'm trying to be understanding and loving and work with her on our issue of asexuality, along with knowing there are many other aces in the world, she still believes that she is abnormal...not whole...missing out on something...like a disability or handicap of sorts. Mostly she feels this way because she knows how difficult it is for me and our relationship.

[Sally]

Little Bee,

If I never had a relationship with my wife, I would likely have been suspect of the concept of asexuality. I definitely would have had mixed feelings about it. I probably would have thought that aces had "issues"....like a traumatic experience in their life which made them that way. I wouldn't have treated them differently, however. They are still human beings...worthy of love.

About ten years ago I thought I invented the term "asexuality" in my plight to understand my wife. That was well before I found AVEN and was actually how I found AVEN. I know other sexuals on this site thought they invented the term, too. Despite my wife knowing that I'm trying to be understanding and loving and work with her on our issue of asexuality, along with knowing there are many other aces in the world, she still believes that she is abnormal...not whole...missing out on something...like a disability or handicap of sorts. Mostly she feels this way because she knows how difficult it is for me and our relationship.

Something in your comment struck me, and it was probably a misunderstanding of what you are saying, so I'll apologize if that's the case.

You said that you were trying to work with her on your (meaning yours and her) issue of asexuality. But what if it were stated that she was trying to work with you on your issue of sexuality? Terming asexuality an issue -- and she being the asexual -- does indeed, to me as an asexual, feel that she is abnormal (compared to you). And even if there are many other aces in the world, there's only one with an issue in your relationship: her. I don't think there's much that can be done about that; it's probably just a fact of a "mixed" relationship.

[NewRoadie]

Hello LittleBee,

I've only recently met someone who may be asexual...I find it fascinating. My feelings for him are very different to anything I have ever experienced and find him much more attentive than many sexuals i've met.

There's something very special about our interactions and though there is attraction (on both sides I suspect) i totally respect his boundaries. As many who are more experienced on this forum will tell you, its about the person not their sex drive.

We are not in a "relationship" perse but we spend a lot of time interacting...

Newbie

[LittleBee]

Hey NewRoadie, I glad to hear you find such good company with this guy (whom you suspect to be an asexual) with an Ace or even a sexual person, its good to be in a good place with a good person so thats awesome. :D

Its interesting that you say your feelings for him are different to anything else you've experienced, I can't help but wonder if it is because he is perhaps different to people you usually hang out with, or if the asexuality is what makes it different, or perhaps its a combination of both, who knows!

Either way, its great to read that you are hanging out with someone you find interesting, from the sounds of it (You say you respect his boundaies), thats really positive to hear :)

Respecting boundaries isn't just about Aces though, as I'm sure everyones already aware, its important to respect everyone's boundaries ^o^

When you say he is attentive, it reminds me of something I read once, that people argue that asexual people have better concentration because they don't think about sex (I wouldn't agree with this statement personally, but there you have it!). Have you guys ever come across that sort of thing? Do you think asexual people are more likely to do well in school or that they concentrate better because they aren't always thinking about sex?

-I sure as hell disagree xD Asexual people also think about sex, perhaps not becoming aroused (or as easily aroused or as often aas sexuals) but they can spend a lot of time thinking "Why aren't I thinking about sex? WHy don't I like porn?" etc etc, or like me anyway, they can spend time thinking about video games, or music instead of sex or studying xD-

I don't think that people who are sexually attracted to other people really spend so much time thinking about sex specifically, that it dominates all their thinking time and that asexual people spend this amount of time studying isntead of thinking about other -non-sex related- topics.

[BlackRose]

For me I spend a lot of time thinking about sex, trying to find sex partners, scheduling time with sex partners, and so on. It takes up a lot of time because sex is something I really love. If I didn't care about sex I would have a lot more time for other stuff.

[Guest]

There's probably a lot of reasons people talk about it, some might because they enjoy hearing other people's stories or seeing how friends react to theirs, others seem to know it will make some people uncomfortable and that might be slightly exciting to them. There's so many reasons that people like and want to be explicit and sometimes more than one for some people. My coworkers and I all agree that it's just too personal, so thankfully it is a non issue there. I hope that if it bothers you, someday you'll have a friend that is considerate in that area. :)

I wish my co-workers felt the same. Every place I have worked, people want to discuss their sex lives in DETAIL. Like, graphic, gory detail. Down to faking facial expressions and sounds when talking about their threesomes (the image of my co-worker with her tongue out faking giving oral sex to another woman was not something I needed). And they try to rope me into their (rather loud) conversations. I'm always like "uhhhhhh" and they write me off as a "sweet, innocent girl" since I don't do drugs, drink, smoke, etc so they just assume I am this christian goody two shoes - whatever, I let them assume what they want. :P

Boyfriend on the other hand, joins right in when people talk about sex and finds co-workers, friends or even strangers discussing their sex lives in detail completely normal and every day. The head of his HR department (a woman) asked him if he knew how to make a woman squirt. I'm just like ... "Doesn't she know that isn't appropriate conversation in the work place, given, ya know, she's the head of HR?" but he doesn't mind so I guess it was OK. Just so odd to me to want to discuss that with someone you barely know.

[BlackRose]

There's probably a lot of reasons people talk about it, some might because they enjoy hearing other people's stories or seeing how friends react to theirs, others seem to know it will make some people uncomfortable and that might be slightly exciting to them. There's so many reasons that people like and want to be explicit and sometimes more than one for some people. My coworkers and I all agree that it's just too personal, so thankfully it is a non issue there. I hope that if it bothers you, someday you'll have a friend that is considerate in that area. :)

I wish my co-workers felt the same. Every place I have worked, people want to discuss their sex lives in DETAIL. Like, graphic, gory detail. Down to faking facial expressions and sounds when talking about their threesomes (the image of my co-worker with her tongue out faking giving oral sex to another woman was not something I needed). And they try to rope me into their (rather loud) conversations. I'm always like "uhhhhhh" and they write me off as a "sweet, innocent girl" since I don't do drugs, drink, smoke, etc so they just assume I am this christian goody two shoes - whatever, I let them assume what they want. :P

Boyfriend on the other hand, joins right in when people talk about sex and finds co-workers, friends or even strangers discussing their sex lives in detail completely normal and every day. The head of his HR department (a woman) asked him if he knew how to make a woman squirt. I'm just like ... "Doesn't she know that isn't appropriate conversation in the work place, given, ya know, she's the head of HR?" but he doesn't mind so I guess it was OK. Just so odd to me to want to discuss that with someone you barely know.

That's really weird... I've never experienced anything like that. I wouldn't mind it... might be interesting. What country are you in and what kinds of places have you and your bf worked at?

[Guest]

There's probably a lot of reasons people talk about it, some might because they enjoy hearing other people's stories or seeing how friends react to theirs, others seem to know it will make some people uncomfortable and that might be slightly exciting to them. There's so many reasons that people like and want to be explicit and sometimes more than one for some people. My coworkers and I all agree that it's just too personal, so thankfully it is a non issue there. I hope that if it bothers you, someday you'll have a friend that is considerate in that area. :)

I wish my co-workers felt the same. Every place I have worked, people want to discuss their sex lives in DETAIL. Like, graphic, gory detail. Down to faking facial expressions and sounds when talking about their threesomes (the image of my co-worker with her tongue out faking giving oral sex to another woman was not something I needed). And they try to rope me into their (rather loud) conversations. I'm always like "uhhhhhh" and they write me off as a "sweet, innocent girl" since I don't do drugs, drink, smoke, etc so they just assume I am this christian goody two shoes - whatever, I let them assume what they want. :P

Boyfriend on the other hand, joins right in when people talk about sex and finds co-workers, friends or even strangers discussing their sex lives in detail completely normal and every day. The head of his HR department (a woman) asked him if he knew how to make a woman squirt. I'm just like ... "Doesn't she know that isn't appropriate conversation in the work place, given, ya know, she's the head of HR?" but he doesn't mind so I guess it was OK. Just so odd to me to want to discuss that with someone you barely know.

That's really weird... I've never experienced anything like that. I wouldn't mind it... might be interesting. What country are you in and what kinds of places have you and your bf worked at?

I live in the U.S. we both have worked various places. The two specifics I mention were my college age job at Subway for the facial expressions and oral simulation (the girls had just come back from getting high in their cars, so yeah, they weren't exactly professionals). And for him it was his job working as a computer programmer at a local factory (which, everyone in the office section were educated "professionals"). In college my peers would trade erotica, discuss sex and sex toys, masturbation habits, etc right out in the open area where all the students liked to hang out between classes. I went with a friend to get a tattoo done and the conversation there was about the rabbit vibrator and how awesome it was compared to others. My mom would show me her hickeys and share her private details too after she divorced my dad. *shrug* It only bugs me when they try to get my details out of me, because I don't like to share them, especially not in a work or school setting, where I feel it's pretty inappropriate since it's meant to be professional.

[BlackRose]

the college students talking about sex in an open area doesn't surprise me at all, nor does the subway and tattoo workers talking about it. But your boyfriend's experience is really bizarre. Any other jobs?

I never hear people talk about sex :(

[Guest]

the college students talking about sex in an open area doesn't surprise me at all, nor does the subway and tattoo workers talking about it. But your boyfriend's experience is really bizarre. Any other jobs?

I never hear people talk about sex :(

*shrug* He doesn't pay attention to sex talk being over sharing, because he doesn't think of anything sexual really being an over share. So, I can't tell what of his jobs have been like that, he has only had a few since we've been together. He thinks it is perfectly normal behavior though and he's worked from bartender, waiter, landscaper, computer programmer, executive buyer for a multimillion dollar company, etc. I only know the conversations he's brought up to me though, which most of them he just tells me as a relating what happened to him that day thing. Past conversations he wouldn't consider weird, I doubt he'd even remember really. That specific question he did ask me why a woman would think he knows that. Like I would know.

I have had a few others, but my actual job lists are low and were mainly through my college days, so rather unprofessional environments. My income mainly has consisted of sort of be-your-own-boss sort of things. I am very shy, I don't interview well. So, I have done stuff like, repair computers which is just someone invites me over to their house, leaves me alone until I say I am done and then pays me. Or, selling virtual merchandise, which I make alone, list online and only have to answer questions relating to the selling of it for communication with humans. I will eventually have to go back into the work force, but meh, for now this works. And I don't have to deal with people much.

I see sexuals telling us asexuals to simply not talk about our sex lives, because it's no ones business and they don't know people who share personal details like that. I always try to think of a single social group I have been around that hasn't shared personal details and come up blank when I read people saying that. Every time I get into a social group, they think I am a self-righteous prude, simply because I won't discuss my sex life and consider it private. Which, I find hilarious. Yes, I am a Christian fundamentalist! ... except I am a sinful agnostic. I simply don't feel a need to tell you how big my boyfriend's penis is, or if we use condoms, or where the weirdest place I have had sex is. I don't see how people I barely know feel entitled to that information. So, it would be nice to find a social group that doesn't ask me such things, such as LGs coworkers.

I'm all for everyone else sharing whatever they want with each other, just leave me out of it and don't judge me without knowing my reasons for not discussing things and I'd be happy. :D

[BlackRose]

Can I ask what city or region you live in? San Francisco? ;)

I don't know. In my experience people are reluctant to talk about their sex lives and consider them private. Maybe in a one-on-one conversation with a close friend, they'd talk about it. I'm ok with people talking about it... they just generally don't. Unless they're really drunk... then it happens sometimes.

[Guest]

Can I ask what city or region you live in? San Francisco? ;)

I don't know. In my experience people are reluctant to talk about their sex lives and consider them private. Maybe in a one-on-one conversation with a close friend, they'd talk about it. I'm ok with people talking about it... they just generally don't. Unless they're really drunk... then it happens sometimes.

Haha no, though I actually would like to live in California. :P I've lived all over the east and mid-west (Florida, NJ, KY, AK, etc etc) but not yet lived in the west. Also stayed in England for a bit.

[LittleBee]

I think the college students part must be a global thing ... it exists here too ... I'd rather not hear about everyones candid sex details, but hey, if it boosts morale or whatever in a workplace, if it works, it works, good for them lol!!!

[NewRoadie]

hi LittleBee,

Yes, I have been thinking a lot about this recently ie my feelings for him. At the moment it feels like a mix of a friend and that of a lover or romantic interest. And maybe a little protective, which i suspect is due to the age difference (I'm older).

He was also very clear that he did not want a (romantic) relationship with me from the very start. That said we have kissed and cuddled and now we are geographically seperated we spend a lot of time on chat. As in much more that I would spend with 'just a friend'. So its all a bit mixed up, and thats fine with me.

He is certainly a little different to 'the norm', but many of my friends and lovers are a little unusual...thats often why i am drawn to them. About the possible asexuality, in fact I introduced the concept to him and he found it useful, but he is not sure what he is, therefore I cannot be :)

He is a guy in his 20s, who is clearly attracted to me but is not very drawn to act on it. I find this fascinating and certainly not something I have come across before (I did like him before I found this out). He also mentioned that he is rarely sexually attracted to people, perhaps even never before.

Hey NewRoadie, I glad to hear you find such good company with this guy (whom you suspect to be an asexual) with an Ace or even a sexual person, its good to be in a good place with a good person so thats awesome. :D

Its interesting that you say your feelings for him are different to anything else you've experienced, I can't help but wonder if it is because he is perhaps different to people you usually hang out with, or if the asexuality is what makes it different, or perhaps its a combination of both, who knows!

When you say he is attentive, it reminds me of something I read once, that people argue that asexual people have better concentration because they don't think about sex (I wouldn't agree with this statement personally, but there you have it!). Have you guys ever come across that sort of thing? Do you think asexual people are more likely to do well in school or that they concentrate better because they aren't always thinking about sex?

-I sure as hell disagree xD Asexual people also think about sex, perhaps not becoming aroused (or as easily aroused or as often aas sexuals) but they can spend a lot of time thinking "Why aren't I thinking about sex? WHy don't I like porn?" etc etc, or like me anyway, they can spend time thinking about video games, or music instead of sex or studying xD-

I don't think that people who are sexually attracted to other people really spend so much time thinking about sex specifically, that it dominates all their thinking time and that asexual people spend this amount of time studying isntead of thinking about other -non-sex related- topics.

No idea if asexual people have better concentration, my friend apparently didnt do too well school.

I have to agree with BlackRose, as a highly sexual person I think about sex a helluva lot and I do love it! I also talk a lot about sex and sexual subjects...not in a gross or personal details kinda way...more scientific, as its a topic that interests me. Funnily enough it was my confidence with sex and explicit subjects that drew my friend to me when we first met. Go figure!

[marki]

I'm ace...my concen

What was I typing? I looked outside and saw a squirrel

No it isn't very good! Maybe it just is bad short term memory!

[BlackRose]

I have to agree with BlackRose, as a highly sexual person I think about sex a helluva lot and I do love it! I also talk a lot about sex and sexual subjects...not in a gross or personal details kinda way...more scientific, as its a topic that interests me. Funnily enough it was my confidence with sex and explicit subjects that drew my friend to me when we first met. Go figure!

It's an endlessly fascinating topic, and I love AVEN because many asexuals are very good at talking about sex more objectively!!

[Guest]

My opinion of asexuals is that they are regular people like everyone else. My opinion of younger AVEN members is that there appears to be significant confusion about the relationship of asexual the orientation and asexual the culture, and that having traits of one has nothing to do with having traits of the other. While I'm very similar culturally to asexuals, like I always say, being an introvert with a love of Joss Whedon and a distain for romance (I stopped watching Bones for years because I objected to the sexual relationships) doesn't change the fact that I am sexual, and not a particularly unusual sexual at that.

[the bumbling rotifer]

While I'm very similar culturally to asexuals, like I always say, being an introvert with a love of Joss Whedon and a distain for romance

Slightly off-topic, but I suspect that being introverted is more of an internet thing than an asexual thing. When I attended an AVEN meet-up, many of the people there seemed pretty extroverted and weren't active on the AVEN forums, suggesting that the online asexual community is a biased sample of asexuals.