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Confused and clueless [gender identity confusion]


Gengar

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Fist of all I would like to say I really don't know that much about gender identities. I browsed through the forum briefly but please let me know if I say something wrong or anything. I would love to learn!

So lately I've been thinking about gender. Recently it occurred to me that I might not be cis female I think. But I don't know if how I feel is normal for cis females or not. I find myself thinking that I wouldn't mind (actually kind of like) if I just magically woke up as a guy one day. And I think of things I'd like to do, jobs I'd want but then think it would be better if I was a guy and wouldn't like to do the same things as a girl. But I don't /hate/ being a girl either. I mean sometimes it's frustrating but I like to paint my nails and get dressed up and do typically 'girly' things, sometimes. For quite a long time I was against getting dressed up. I haven't worn a dress (preferring a blouse and dress pants) since middle school [i'm 20]. But I just bought a dress the other day that I actually really like, and feel comfortable in - but I also couldn't help but look over to the guy's section and long to be able to wear a waist coat or a suit and tie and look great. But it's not like I want to do it as a girl - I'd want a guys body to dress like that.

So far my best guess is agender I think.

I'm ridiculously self concious and loathe drawing attention to myself, which is why I don't think I would ever dress up like a guy (except in costume for anime conventions) or come out to anyone about this. I'm perfectly fine with people using female pronouns but I don't know if it's just because I'm so used to it? Or I'm self concious? I also quite like my female name. But I think if someone called me he or something I wouldn't mind.

I don't know, any help or opinions would be much appreciated though!

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You could be agender (not identifying with male nor female). Alternatively, you could be bigender (feeling both male and female) or genderfluid (sometimes feeling male, sometimes feeling female). Or female. Or demigirl (feeling definitively female, but without strong attachment to the gender).

Only you can decide which is correct (I know-- you've probably heard that from everyone, but I had to add the disclaimer), but since you asked for advice, here's a breakdown as I see it and maybe it'll help. FYI, I'm a bit new to the more-than-just-two-genders thing as well, though I'm learning fast, so forgive me if there's mistakes in here.

Female-- You feel like a girl. You may or may not dislike looks, social roles, stereotypes, etc., but it feels right to call yourself a girl when you think of yourself (focus on feelings, not your physical appearance). Girl is your go-to description not because it's the default, but because it fits. While you might enjoy daydreaming about what life might be like as a guy, you don't have any real desire to be a guy in real life. -- "I don't think I would ever dress up like a guy (except in costume for anime conventions)" <-- unless you think you absolutely couldn't pass as male (and thus would opt not to because you're self conscious), then this indicates to me that you don't feel male because you'd feel wrong portraying as male unless it was a clearly established fictional setting. Alternatively this could have no bearing whatsoever; you don't see any reason to dress up as something you're not ("not male, so why not stay female?"-- could be put as an argument towards female or agender, depending on how you view it). You see a clear divide between male and female genders and while you'd like to do "guy" things, you don't feel it applies to you right now as-is because of your current gender. If you were a guy, you'd be fine doing them. <-- putting yourself into the "female" category.

Demigirl- a fairly new term for people who only loosely identify as male/female, but do feel they have a male/female gender (singular, not agender). You feel comfortable as a girl. That fits, though you'd be fine exchanging bodies.

Agender-- You don't feel like a girl. You don't feel like a guy either. When you think of yourself, "girl" seems a bit off and so does guy. It's weird and (possibly) somewhat alien assigning a gender when you think of yourself (this is not related to how you dress/act or refer to yourself) because you usually don't think of gender in correlation to yourself. You're most common thought on your gender is "I'm not female" because (while you enjoy female activities) you don't see yourself as a girl. However, being male also doesn't seem right because that would mean you actively identify as male, which you don't. Your second most common thought would be "I'm not male." -- You'd be fine waking up in an opposite-sex body and living your life as that gender. You don't care which pronouns people use. (in other words, you don't have a strong attachment towards either gender; you aren't unhappy being female, nor would you be unhappy being male; neither is the "right" gender so you're fine using whichever one fits your sex, aka female by default).

Bigender-- You feel both male and female. Sometimes at the same time. You can (mostly) equally apply male and female gender when thinking about yourself (not as fantasy, but in mundane everyday thoughts). It's not like a split personality, but at any given time (on an average day, special "gendered" activities such as nail painting aside) you could just as well be male as you could be female. -- You are looking at gender-specific-ish formal attire clothing (not the same as simply menswear and womens because T-shirt and shorts is common for both) for both genders simultaneously. (You feel both male and female) You see a clear divide between male/female (not true of most agender people, to the best of my knowledge, unless you're going solely by stereotypical gender roles) and you enjoy female activities and (dream of?) male jobs. You don't care which pronouns people use. (Both feel right.)

Gender fluid-- sometimes you feel like a girl. Sometimes you feel like you are/should be a guy. You don't feel like both are/could be applicable at the same time. Some days you feel like a guy. At those times, "girl" really doesn't fit and it's weird thinking and referring to yourself as a girl. If you weren't self-conscious and/or worried about what society would think, you'd portray yourself as a guy during these times. At other times, the reverse is true; being a guy seems like the furthest thing from the truth because being thought of as a "girl" seems so natural. At these times, it would be weird being a guy. (Discount gendered activities)-- Just a general feel I get from your post is that you usually feel closer to one or another, but not usually both at the same time, but there's not really a specific line I could pull. Both genders feel right, but it varies as the day/week progresses or varies by activity.

Genderqueer- the lovely catch-all term for people who don't 100% identify with male/female.

I didn't put 'You don't like dresses (usually)' and 'you like your female name' because they aren't very useful in sorting things. The former could simply mean you're tomboy OR could hint at any of the others. The latter could just be you like pretty names and are comfortable with what you've been called all your life OR it could indicate you're female. :/

You seem to see a clear divide in genders and what is gender-specific, which makes me personally lean more towards bigender or gender fluid (as far as I can tell, most agender people feel gender is a useless identifier and has little/no meaning beyond stereotypes-- consequently, they don't often associate "gendered" activities such as cooking, football, dancing, asking someone out, holding the door for someone, proposing, etc. as a male/female activity. It just is. There's nothing wrong nor weird about a girl doing a "guy" activity or behavior, nor vice versa, because gender is irrelevant).

You also seem to fluctuate between feeling "girly" and being what you perceive as masculine/not-female, but there's rarely a time you can point to where male and female feel equally applicable/right. Based on that, I'd guess genderfluid over bigender. Alternatively, you don't have strong ties to either male or female, which indicates agender, but this is a weaker argument, in my opinion, because that could also be viewed in support of genderfluid (not feeling tied to one specific gender, but comfortable as either one).

However, if you're most common two thoughts/feelings regarding yourself and gender are "not-a-girl" (different from not-feminine/girly) and "what do you mean I'm a guy? I'm not a guy!" then agender might be the better descriptor.

You do, however, seem to identify as a girl, at least to some extent (though perhaps not very strongly), which would make this my second vote.

If I had to list it in decreasing likelihood (and I am almost certainly WAY overanalyzing your wording)...

1. Gender fluid

2. Demigirl (or you can list it as something like "cisfemale, mostly agender" if you don't like the term itself)

3. Agender

4. Bigender

5. 100% cis female

Demigirl could trump genderfluid, considering you don't feel like you would ever consider portraying a guy in real life (especially if you don't feel like "male" applies to you as-is, body notwithstanding), but this order works equally well. Frankly, though, they're all moderately strong candidates and I could make a decently convincing argument for any of them. I can't walk inside your head, nor you in mine, so this is as close as I can come to giving you how I view the gender breakdown and how I see various aspects applied to you. To simplify things, I recommend focusing on what/if you label yourself (consciousness, the self-aware entity that is you, separate from your body's physical features) with a gender. I'd also ask yourself if you feel male/female genders ever/usually apply to you, and if so, what and when (all the time v alternating). The answers to that should help narrow things down a bit.

Basically, this is just a long rant (trying to procrastinate on my homework) saying "I don't know." But hopefully some of that helped you and provoked some thoughts/questions that helped you answer this. Feel free to PM me if you have anymore questions or want me to elaborate on any particular aspect of this. :)

One thing that might be helpful (or at least interesting) reading is this: http://ask.metafilter.com/251026/What-does-it-mean-to-have-a-gender It's a bunch of posts on what gender personally feels like from people who identify as agender and transgender (nice as a contrast because they tend to have a solid view of male/female-- though you probably aren't trans, it's a similar mindset to being solidly cis if you discount physical sex). I think there also are a few cis, bi, and genderfluid posts as well, although those are less common if memory serves correct. I found it nice to get a feel for what it feels like to solidly identify or not identify as a gender.

Hope this helps!

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You sound very much like me, actually! (Although I do dress kind of like a guy--I have to wear women's collared shirts to fit my body, but I do wear ties, and let me tell you, it's hella rad. I used to feel self-conscious about myself until I started dressing like that, and then BAM! It's like I was hit with a lightning-bolt of self-confidence. Next stop: sweater vests! I kinda want to have the fashion sense of a quiet, professional man, if you know what I mean.)

I would suggest starting at GenderQueer ID, which has a lot of terms and such that you can look up--it's where I started, and it seems to be a good place to start. I don't want to give you too many suggestions because this conclusion is one that you should come to on your own, after trying out various identities for a little while. (I tried out "genderless" at first, but that turned out to not always be the case, as I remember feeling more male or more female in certain situations, while being more neutral when all by myself. I settled on "genderqueer" because it's a nice umbrella-term, and if anyone asks, I go into more detail on my personal gender experience.)

Here's the link: http://genderqueerid.com/gq-terms

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I should add that you can be agender and perfectly comfortable with your body (or you could want an androgynous, genderless, or opposite sex body) and you can have a preference for male/female pronouns, or prefer gender neutral pronouns.

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Wow this has all been so informative!

Thank you for the amazing amount of info NiTeLight, It seems a lot clearer now. Right now I'd have to identify as gender-queer since I think I have to have time to think about how I really feel. So much clouds my judgement of myself that I think I'll refer back to this a lot.

It's not that I wouldn't dress like a boy, I think it's more like I have female-ish (90% jeans & sweater/tshirt) and don't really mind it. I think it would be nice to dress like a boy but I'm kind of afraid(?) of the attention I get or what my friends/parents would think. But again, thank you for the amazing descriptions and help, it's amazing that you took the time to write that out.

TheAdrift - Thank you for your reply and the awesome link. Very much appreciated!

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Lambda Corvus

There is nothing wrong with identifying with a more general descriptor, then narrowing that down as your conception of yourself grows stronger over time. Good to see that you have found a way to describe yourself. All the best in your continued gender-related thought process.

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