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The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)


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On 8/29/2020 at 2:48 AM, Snufkin_Weirdo said:

I really relate to this. I really confused myself. I have been in romantic relationships before but I have been treated bad and been through SA. Im thinking about being in soft romantic relationship but Im also very ok with being by myself too. I dont know which gender I am attracted to, I might get interested when I feel a close bound but very rarely(?), I dont know. I have had hard time seing myself as aromantic, Im might end up with it because of traumas.

Please send me a message or to my instagram: @thunderkatla_

I can relate to a lot of this. The first "relationship" i had after getting out of the bad one was just. It was wonderful, and im upset I didn't know that a "real" relationship is something neither of us wanted. people kept asking and prodding about it and like.

 

We were doing what we knew was good for us, but the pressure from everyone else made it feel like we had to go through the motions. Relationship ended not soon after. 

 

It was originally about just. Being near each other, having someone I trust to just. Be there for me. And he was the only person that physical contact didn't make me anxious. And we both knew there were not expectations, no reason to fear the potential sexual implications, safe. 

 

But as soon as we did more, things fell apart. And it took me like 4 years to realize that relationship was almost exactly what I wanted. Someone I trust to not go in with the expectation that at some point I'll change my mind, and they keep that idea of who I am over who I actually am. If that makes sense. 

 

TLDR I forgot to make my point, which is- i also have some confusion going on w/ all the moving parts of who I am post SA for years now, trying to figure out whats been influenced and how, while also trying to understand what I want. Several breakups later, but whatever. The hardest part imo is just finding someone like that again. 

So uh, yeah. Cheers

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On 10/16/2020 at 3:45 PM, holly928 said:

hi! new here so this might not be the right thread for this, but I'm struggling to figure out whether I'm aro. I'm in college and I've never had a crush, but *in theory*, the idea of dating someone - holding hands, maybe kissing, cuddling, etc - sounds nice (pretty sure I'm ace so probably not much beyond that). could that just be me internalizing societal pressure to be in a relationship, or does the fact that I do at some point want to have a relationship like that mean I'm not aro? even if I haven't yet met someone I want to have that sort of relationship with?

I’m kind of new to this too, but I feel pretty similarly. You might just not have found someone you are attracted to or have a low level of romantic attraction. Or you could be aro! I feel like sometimes you can’t tell unless you actually date someone. But that’s just my (limited) experience. Good luck figuring things out!

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Hi guys. 
I am still questioning but here we go with my story. I am very confused over crushes and how they work. I want to get one and i think i might had one but i am confused. Here the other day i sat with a couple of friends. One of them had their boyfriend and the others thought they were very sweet together because they were kissing and tickling each other. To me they just seemed like good friends (except the kissing part). I dont understand what they could possibly feel to make them want to do that? And how the thing they did was considered nice because i thought it looked quite uncomfortable. 

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17 hours ago, Hare77 said:

Hi guys. 
I am still questioning but here we go with my story. I am very confused over crushes and how they work. I want to get one and i think i might had one but i am confused. Here the other day i sat with a couple of friends. One of them had their boyfriend and the others thought they were very sweet together because they were kissing and tickling each other. To me they just seemed like good friends (except the kissing part). I dont understand what they could possibly feel to make them want to do that? And how the thing they did was considered nice because i thought it looked quite uncomfortable. 

i feel you. For a while, I considered by squishes crushes, and when I found out that's not what they were, I was incredibly confused. To me, this post does sound pretty aro, but I would encourage you to do more research on your own and read up about other's experiences. Arocalypse has lots of different aro experiences, so I would recommend looking there if you're interested.

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Neon Green Packing Peanut
19 hours ago, Hare77 said:

Hi guys. 
I am still questioning but here we go with my story. I am very confused over crushes and how they work. I want to get one and i think i might had one but i am confused. Here the other day i sat with a couple of friends. One of them had their boyfriend and the others thought they were very sweet together because they were kissing and tickling each other. To me they just seemed like good friends (except the kissing part). I dont understand what they could possibly feel to make them want to do that? And how the thing they did was considered nice because i thought it looked quite uncomfortable. 

Personally, I also feel fairly uncomfortable with that. I consider myself pretty touchy-feely but even imagining kissing/cuddling like that makes me want to get up and run. As for how crushes work, the internet has answers for once. If you look up "what does a crush feel like" you will get a lot of results. There are also a lot of threads here on AVEN about that.

 

2 hours ago, senACEay_11 said:

i feel you. For a while, I considered by squishes crushes, and when I found out that's not what they were, I was incredibly confused. To me, this post does sound pretty aro, but I would encourage you to do more research on your own and read up about other's experiences. Arocalypse has lots of different aro experiences, so I would recommend looking there if you're interested.

I was so surprised when I found out what a crush actually felt like that I couldn't stop laughing. It was so bizarre, and very obvious that I had never felt that.

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maybeimamazed

Ugh. Being both aromantic and hyper aware of when people have a crush on you is the worst.

 

Case in point, a coworker with whom I have no proximity whatsoever has been doing me favors and talking to me all day and now randomly asked me if I have a boyfriend.

He's so nice, I don't want to hurt him. Please God let me be mistaken this time.

 

I'm sorry guys this has nothing to do with the current conversation. I just had to vent.

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DarkStormyKnight

 

On 12/3/2020 at 2:30 PM, maybeimamazed said:

Ugh. Being both aromantic and hyper aware of when people have a crush on you is the worst.

 

Case in point, a coworker with whom I have no proximity whatsoever has been doing me favors and talking to me all day and now randomly asked me if I have a boyfriend.

He's so nice, I don't want to hurt him. Please God let me be mistaken this time.

 

I'm sorry guys this has nothing to do with the current conversation. I just had to vent.

Dudes can also be REALLY BAD at picking up on hints that you aren't interested, I'm sorry you're going through this friend.

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On 12/3/2020 at 1:30 PM, maybeimamazed said:

Ugh. Being both aromantic and hyper aware of when people have a crush on you is the worst.

 

Case in point, a coworker with whom I have no proximity whatsoever has been doing me favors and talking to me all day and now randomly asked me if I have a boyfriend.

He's so nice, I don't want to hurt him. Please God let me be mistaken this time.

 

I'm sorry guys this has nothing to do with the current conversation. I just had to vent.

this really sucks. i’d precaution the idea that he seems so nice. he might be nice, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great person. being nice just means it’s harder to tell him firmly off.

Edited by cyancat
i’m paranoid lol
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This was the story of my 20s. I used to resent guys so much because I'd hang out with someone I liked and wanted to be friends with and inevitably our friendship would dissolve when it became clear he wanted something I didn't sign up for. I couldn't figure out how they kept misreading the situation so badly. This was before I realized that I was likely the one doing the misreading and in a way I was the weird one... I just thought they were being dramatic with all the romantic advances. 

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On 12/3/2020 at 11:30 AM, maybeimamazed said:

Being both aromantic and hyper aware of when people have a crush on you is the worst.

 

I once quit a job because someone had a crush on me. Another coworker told me about a rumor that someone was interested in me, and later that same day the girl in question started to flirt aggressively whenever we crossed paths. Not that I knew I was aromantic at the time, but I wanted nothing to do with it and quit the next day.

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  • 2 weeks later...
TrustTheCloak

I get very awkward when people (rarely) admit to having a crush on me. 

I don't like them back. I never will. Maybe I would if I was not aro, but I'm not

It's hard not to feel really guilty when turning them down, because they never even had a chance, and they don't know that. They just know that you said no, and you don't like them that way. I feel terrible, that I'm hurting them, and it's not their fault, but mine for being aro. Which is silly but... brain is an idiot.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Artemis6

Hi. I’m newish, and I don’t know if I’m aromantic or just really close. My parents would definitely be okay with whatever I am, but since I’m only 14, and I prefer to avoid awkward conversations, I’m only out to my closest friends, who happen to mostly be gay, and some Ace, too. Before Covid I had like no friends, really, but I kinda pulled a group of people together, and now we’re all really close. It was really lucky since I’m terrible at making friends. I really want a QPR in the future, but I don’t think I can make a new friend who I’m close enough to to be in one with other than my demiromantic asexual friend, who I don’t know if she wants one with me. But I had a question. A QPR is like the aromantic version of marrying, and a squish an aromantic crush. What’s like dating but aromantic, if that makes any sense? Sorry about the long ramble thing, I’m terrible at explaining things.

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*trots into the thread* 

 

Hi aros

 

This is sort of just a small frustration/vent post, I'm not sure if it's more from my asexual side or my aromantic side, but I feel weirdly hot and cold about relationships: never a romantic one (I always cringe and feel uncomfortable at the thought of being in an allonormative relationship) but even just the fantasy of my perfect QPR. One day I'll imagine myself in a commited, touchy-feely sort of friendship, and the next day I'll feel disoriented and grossed out by the thought of being touched. or generally acknowledged. Things like loneliness and longing don't last long enough (even while still continuously being alone) to push me towards other human beings. It's just strange, and the changes feel totally disconnected from my general mood : p

Edited by fishcrow
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failing adult

okay i know this is more of a chat blog however i wouldn't consider myself aromantic I don't think? 

I've only ever had one serious crush before (im 17, nearly 18 so thats not really a big deal) but it was on my current partner who I adore

 

before I met them I had no desire to be in a relationship and I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything, and hadn't had any interest in anyone before 

so I was thinking I could possibly be demiromantic?? me and my partner clicked really well after a few weeks of talking but I don't know if that's what you would consider demiromantic 

anyway, people talking about like these long lists of crushes absolutely baffles me

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I'm not demi so I can't really comment anything on the boundaries of what counts for that. 

But I do wonder to what extent those people who have long lists of crushes actually exist.  I know there's variation among allos, but I've never met anyone irl like that.  Most of the allos I know seem to only have one or two peer crushes at a time, if any.  Maybe they just don't talk about these things much with me... still feels like an amatonormative lie from my (admittedly very aro) perspective though.  :P

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AceParrot

Hello, this is somewhat random and more of a summary of my experience...

I am asexual and almost certain I am also aromatic because I have never had crushes (only squishes). I dated one person and did not like the romantic aspect of it, anytime my partner held my hand or kissed me I felt very uncomfortable. I ended up ending the relationship because of this, and honestly felt relieved when I did. I thought there was maybe something wrong with me for not feeling the way everyone else did about their romantic/sexual partners. I then realized that I don't even really like the idea of romantic aspect of relationships in general and would prefer platonic relationships only. Since then I have found the terms asexual and aromatic. I related to these, however, until I found AVEN a few days ago I honestly still felt really separated from "everyone else".

 

Also, for some reason I used to think (in elementary school and middle school) that people could choose who they had crushes on. So I thought it was weird when ppl would have multiple crushes because why would they choose multiple people? Lmao. Tbh I still don't completely understand how romantic/sexual attraction works though. 😂

 

🍰🧁

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@AceParrotHi, and welcome! :cake:

 

22 minutes ago, AceParrot said:

...I thought there was maybe something wrong with me for not feeling the way everyone else did about their romantic/sexual partners. Since then I have found the terms asexual and aromatic. Until I found AVEN a few days ago I honestly still felt really separated from everyone else...

Yes. There are some aromantics, here, who've felt this way, too.

 

If you're interested in finding more aromantics, there's a aro forum, Arocalypse. Some AVEN members also post, there, too.

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AceParrot
1 minute ago, LeChat said:

@AceParrotHi, and welcome! :cake:

 

Yes. There are some aromantics, here, who've felt this way, too.

 

If you're interested in finding more aromantics, there's a aro forum, Arocalypse. Some AVEN members also post, there, too.

Thank-you. I will have to check that forum out too :)

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1 hour ago, AceParrot said:

Hello, this is somewhat random and more of a summary of my experience...

I am asexual and almost certain I am also aromatic because I have never had crushes (only squishes). I dated one person and did not like the romantic aspect of it, anytime my partner held my hand or kissed me I felt very uncomfortable. I ended up ending the relationship because of this, and honestly felt relieved when I did. I thought there was maybe something wrong with me for not feeling the way everyone else did about their romantic/sexual partners. I then realized that I don't even really like the idea of romantic aspect of relationships in general and would prefer platonic relationships only. Since then I have found the terms asexual and aromatic. I related to these, however, until I found AVEN a few days ago I honestly still felt really separated from "everyone else".

 

Also, for some reason I used to think (in elementary school and middle school) that people could choose who they had crushes on. So I thought it was weird when ppl would have multiple crushes because why would they choose multiple people? Lmao. Tbh I still don't completely understand how romantic/sexual attraction works though. 😂

 

🍰🧁

X2

 

Looking back at my life I probably was an 'undiagnosed' aro back in my early 20s. When everyone in my social circle was pairing off and/or getting married, I had absolutely no interest in having a girlfriend (nor was I interested in guys) though I thought I'd have straight sex at some point. Then when I was 44 I found out about asexuality. It's only been the last few years that I actually looked up to see what aromantic/aro meant. "Yep that fits me to a T as well!".

 

Welcome to AVEN :cake:

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spooky_moss
1 hour ago, AceParrot said:

 

Also, for some reason I used to think (in elementary school and middle school) that people could choose who they had crushes on. So I thought it was weird when ppl would have multiple crushes because why would they choose multiple people? Lmao. Tbh I still don't completely understand how romantic/sexual attraction works though. 😂

 

🍰🧁

You're definitely not alone with that! In seventh grade I chose a "crush" based on such romantic (sarcasm!) grounds as: we had the same favourite colour, he was not so desired that other girls would be upset I liked him, and also he was not so conventionally unattractive that I would get made fun of for liking him.

And despite all the careful thought that went into the decision, I still never told anyone I had a "crush" on him because I didn't want all the teasing that would come along with it!

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VeryAsexyIndeed
On 1/19/2014 at 2:14 AM, Holsety said:

I sometimes wonder what kissing is like too. It seems like some people automatically know what to do? That's how it always seemed to me (as dumb as it sounds that's still how I think of it), because it's not like they ever gave us kissing lessons. And I can't even imagine why people enjoy it and crave it; I don't want someone else's nasty old tongue in my mouth. Kissing is one of life's mysteries that I don't think I'll be solving.

Yes that is a great mystery..I always imagined it to be like really awkward, if I were to do it at least lol, idk since I’ve never done it but you’re like tasting someone’s saliva...like you would probably be able to taste what they had for dinner😟 Omg that sounds nasty! lol Yeah kissing is probably not for me either, I’m gonna be fine without it lol😅✌️

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VeryAsexyIndeed
On 10/16/2020 at 9:45 PM, holly928 said:

hi! new here so this might not be the right thread for this, but I'm struggling to figure out whether I'm aro. I'm in college and I've never had a crush, but *in theory*, the idea of dating someone - holding hands, maybe kissing, cuddling, etc - sounds nice (pretty sure I'm ace so probably not much beyond that). could that just be me internalizing societal pressure to be in a relationship, or does the fact that I do at some point want to have a relationship like that mean I'm not aro? even if I haven't yet met someone I want to have that sort of relationship with?

I recently (it was like yesterday but oh well😅) learned that I was aroace. It was really hard for me to come to that conclusion since I, just like you described, wanted to have a relationship and I’ve always connected aro to wanting to stay single for some reason, but then I learned that there’s a thing called queerplatonic relationships (or quasiplatonic if you prefer to call it that) and it’s like in the middle of a romantic and a platonic relationship I would say. It’s more than friends but it’s not romantic, you can for example move in and have a family with your queerplatonic partner which you probably wouldn’t do with a friend and that’s something that some aros have. So it’s totally possible to be aro and still want a relationship, just not a romantic one.
 

I’d say you should probably think about if you feel romantic attraction towards your crush. Would you see yourself in a romantic relationship with them or more of a queerplatonic relationship? That’s what I asked myself and I realized that what I was looking for was a qpr (queerplatonic relationship). Since kissing, holding hands, cuddling and hugging for example has to do with sensual attraction (which lines up with romantic attraction for some but not all) you could feel sensual attraction towards someone and still not think of them in a romantic way. That’s why I didn’t think I was aro, cause I felt sensual and aesthetic attraction (attraction towards the looks of a person) and I wanted to have a relationship some day.

 

Hope this helped!💖💖✌️🥰

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On 1/14/2021 at 1:41 AM, AceParrot said:

Hello, this is somewhat random and more of a summary of my experience...

I am asexual and almost certain I am also aromatic because I have never had crushes (only squishes). I dated one person and did not like the romantic aspect of it, anytime my partner held my hand or kissed me I felt very uncomfortable. I ended up ending the relationship because of this, and honestly felt relieved when I did. I thought there was maybe something wrong with me for not feeling the way everyone else did about their romantic/sexual partners. I then realized that I don't even really like the idea of romantic aspect of relationships in general and would prefer platonic relationships only. Since then I have found the terms asexual and aromatic. I related to these, however, until I found AVEN a few days ago I honestly still felt really separated from "everyone else".

Welcome 🎂🍰

 

I relate very much to what you are describing. I've been in one relationship but I relized I wasn't in love and I felt awkward kissing and I just didn't want to continue. For a long time I thought I just didn't have time for a relationship and that I didn't desire it just then, but I have come to the conclusion that I've never wanted that and I never felt ronantically attracted to the person I had that relationship with. So I get the feeling of not being like everyone else.

 

3 hours ago, VeryAsexyIndeed said:

but then I learned that there’s a thing called queerplatonic relationships (or quasiplatonic if you prefer to call it that) and it’s like in the middle of a romantic and a platonic relationship I would say. It’s more than friends but it’s not romantic, you can for example move in and have a family with your queerplatonic partner which you probably wouldn’t do with a friend and that’s something that some aros have. So it’s totally possible to be aro and still want a relationship, just not a romantic one.

I heard of queerplatonic relationship like some days ago and I think that is just an amazing though for the future! 

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