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The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)


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maybeimamazed

Ugh. Being both aromantic and hyper aware of when people have a crush on you is the worst.

 

Case in point, a coworker with whom I have no proximity whatsoever has been doing me favors and talking to me all day and now randomly asked me if I have a boyfriend.

He's so nice, I don't want to hurt him. Please God let me be mistaken this time.

 

I'm sorry guys this has nothing to do with the current conversation. I just had to vent.

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DarkStormyKnight

 

On 12/3/2020 at 2:30 PM, maybeimamazed said:

Ugh. Being both aromantic and hyper aware of when people have a crush on you is the worst.

 

Case in point, a coworker with whom I have no proximity whatsoever has been doing me favors and talking to me all day and now randomly asked me if I have a boyfriend.

He's so nice, I don't want to hurt him. Please God let me be mistaken this time.

 

I'm sorry guys this has nothing to do with the current conversation. I just had to vent.

Dudes can also be REALLY BAD at picking up on hints that you aren't interested, I'm sorry you're going through this friend.

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On 12/3/2020 at 1:30 PM, maybeimamazed said:

Ugh. Being both aromantic and hyper aware of when people have a crush on you is the worst.

 

Case in point, a coworker with whom I have no proximity whatsoever has been doing me favors and talking to me all day and now randomly asked me if I have a boyfriend.

He's so nice, I don't want to hurt him. Please God let me be mistaken this time.

 

I'm sorry guys this has nothing to do with the current conversation. I just had to vent.

this really sucks. i’d precaution the idea that he seems so nice. he might be nice, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great person. being nice just means it’s harder to tell him firmly off.

Edited by cyancat
i’m paranoid lol
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This was the story of my 20s. I used to resent guys so much because I'd hang out with someone I liked and wanted to be friends with and inevitably our friendship would dissolve when it became clear he wanted something I didn't sign up for. I couldn't figure out how they kept misreading the situation so badly. This was before I realized that I was likely the one doing the misreading and in a way I was the weird one... I just thought they were being dramatic with all the romantic advances. 

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On 12/3/2020 at 11:30 AM, maybeimamazed said:

Being both aromantic and hyper aware of when people have a crush on you is the worst.

 

I once quit a job because someone had a crush on me. Another coworker told me about a rumor that someone was interested in me, and later that same day the girl in question started to flirt aggressively whenever we crossed paths. Not that I knew I was aromantic at the time, but I wanted nothing to do with it and quit the next day.

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  • 2 weeks later...
TrustTheCloak

I get very awkward when people (rarely) admit to having a crush on me. 

I don't like them back. I never will. Maybe I would if I was not aro, but I'm not

It's hard not to feel really guilty when turning them down, because they never even had a chance, and they don't know that. They just know that you said no, and you don't like them that way. I feel terrible, that I'm hurting them, and it's not their fault, but mine for being aro. Which is silly but... brain is an idiot.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi. I’m newish, and I don’t know if I’m aromantic or just really close. My parents would definitely be okay with whatever I am, but since I’m only 14, and I prefer to avoid awkward conversations, I’m only out to my closest friends, who happen to mostly be gay, and some Ace, too. Before Covid I had like no friends, really, but I kinda pulled a group of people together, and now we’re all really close. It was really lucky since I’m terrible at making friends. I really want a QPR in the future, but I don’t think I can make a new friend who I’m close enough to to be in one with other than my demiromantic asexual friend, who I don’t know if she wants one with me. But I had a question. A QPR is like the aromantic version of marrying, and a squish an aromantic crush. What’s like dating but aromantic, if that makes any sense? Sorry about the long ramble thing, I’m terrible at explaining things.

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*trots into the thread* 

 

Hi aros

 

This is sort of just a small frustration/vent post, I'm not sure if it's more from my asexual side or my aromantic side, but I feel weirdly hot and cold about relationships: never a romantic one (I always cringe and feel uncomfortable at the thought of being in an allonormative relationship) but even just the fantasy of my perfect QPR. One day I'll imagine myself in a commited, touchy-feely sort of friendship, and the next day I'll feel disoriented and grossed out by the thought of being touched. or generally acknowledged. Things like loneliness and longing don't last long enough (even while still continuously being alone) to push me towards other human beings. It's just strange, and the changes feel totally disconnected from my general mood : p

Edited by fishcrow
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failing adult

okay i know this is more of a chat blog however i wouldn't consider myself aromantic I don't think? 

I've only ever had one serious crush before (im 17, nearly 18 so thats not really a big deal) but it was on my current partner who I adore

 

before I met them I had no desire to be in a relationship and I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything, and hadn't had any interest in anyone before 

so I was thinking I could possibly be demiromantic?? me and my partner clicked really well after a few weeks of talking but I don't know if that's what you would consider demiromantic 

anyway, people talking about like these long lists of crushes absolutely baffles me

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I'm not demi so I can't really comment anything on the boundaries of what counts for that. 

But I do wonder to what extent those people who have long lists of crushes actually exist.  I know there's variation among allos, but I've never met anyone irl like that.  Most of the allos I know seem to only have one or two peer crushes at a time, if any.  Maybe they just don't talk about these things much with me... still feels like an amatonormative lie from my (admittedly very aro) perspective though.  :P

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Hello, this is somewhat random and more of a summary of my experience...

I am asexual and almost certain I am also aromatic because I have never had crushes (only squishes). I dated one person and did not like the romantic aspect of it, anytime my partner held my hand or kissed me I felt very uncomfortable. I ended up ending the relationship because of this, and honestly felt relieved when I did. I thought there was maybe something wrong with me for not feeling the way everyone else did about their romantic/sexual partners. I then realized that I don't even really like the idea of romantic aspect of relationships in general and would prefer platonic relationships only. Since then I have found the terms asexual and aromatic. I related to these, however, until I found AVEN a few days ago I honestly still felt really separated from "everyone else".

 

Also, for some reason I used to think (in elementary school and middle school) that people could choose who they had crushes on. So I thought it was weird when ppl would have multiple crushes because why would they choose multiple people? Lmao. Tbh I still don't completely understand how romantic/sexual attraction works though. 😂

 

🍰🧁

Edited by AceParrot
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@AceParrotHi, and welcome! :cake:

 

22 minutes ago, AceParrot said:

...I thought there was maybe something wrong with me for not feeling the way everyone else did about their romantic/sexual partners. Since then I have found the terms asexual and aromatic. Until I found AVEN a few days ago I honestly still felt really separated from everyone else...

Yes. There are some aromantics, here, who've felt this way, too.

 

If you're interested in finding more aromantics, there's a aro forum, Arocalypse. Some AVEN members also post, there, too.

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1 minute ago, LeChat said:

@AceParrotHi, and welcome! :cake:

 

Yes. There are some aromantics, here, who've felt this way, too.

 

If you're interested in finding more aromantics, there's a aro forum, Arocalypse. Some AVEN members also post, there, too.

Thank-you. I will have to check that forum out too :)

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1 hour ago, AceParrot said:

Hello, this is somewhat random and more of a summary of my experience...

I am asexual and almost certain I am also aromatic because I have never had crushes (only squishes). I dated one person and did not like the romantic aspect of it, anytime my partner held my hand or kissed me I felt very uncomfortable. I ended up ending the relationship because of this, and honestly felt relieved when I did. I thought there was maybe something wrong with me for not feeling the way everyone else did about their romantic/sexual partners. I then realized that I don't even really like the idea of romantic aspect of relationships in general and would prefer platonic relationships only. Since then I have found the terms asexual and aromatic. I related to these, however, until I found AVEN a few days ago I honestly still felt really separated from "everyone else".

 

Also, for some reason I used to think (in elementary school and middle school) that people could choose who they had crushes on. So I thought it was weird when ppl would have multiple crushes because why would they choose multiple people? Lmao. Tbh I still don't completely understand how romantic/sexual attraction works though. 😂

 

🍰🧁

X2

 

Looking back at my life I probably was an 'undiagnosed' aro back in my early 20s. When everyone in my social circle was pairing off and/or getting married, I had absolutely no interest in having a girlfriend (nor was I interested in guys) though I thought I'd have straight sex at some point. Then when I was 44 I found out about asexuality. It's only been the last few years that I actually looked up to see what aromantic/aro meant. "Yep that fits me to a T as well!".

 

Welcome to AVEN :cake:

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1 hour ago, AceParrot said:

 

Also, for some reason I used to think (in elementary school and middle school) that people could choose who they had crushes on. So I thought it was weird when ppl would have multiple crushes because why would they choose multiple people? Lmao. Tbh I still don't completely understand how romantic/sexual attraction works though. 😂

 

🍰🧁

You're definitely not alone with that! In seventh grade I chose a "crush" based on such romantic (sarcasm!) grounds as: we had the same favourite colour, he was not so desired that other girls would be upset I liked him, and also he was not so conventionally unattractive that I would get made fun of for liking him.

And despite all the careful thought that went into the decision, I still never told anyone I had a "crush" on him because I didn't want all the teasing that would come along with it!

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VeryAsexyIndeed
On 1/19/2014 at 2:14 AM, Holsety said:

I sometimes wonder what kissing is like too. It seems like some people automatically know what to do? That's how it always seemed to me (as dumb as it sounds that's still how I think of it), because it's not like they ever gave us kissing lessons. And I can't even imagine why people enjoy it and crave it; I don't want someone else's nasty old tongue in my mouth. Kissing is one of life's mysteries that I don't think I'll be solving.

Yes that is a great mystery..I always imagined it to be like really awkward, if I were to do it at least lol, idk since I’ve never done it but you’re like tasting someone’s saliva...like you would probably be able to taste what they had for dinner😟 Omg that sounds nasty! lol Yeah kissing is probably not for me either, I’m gonna be fine without it lol😅✌️

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VeryAsexyIndeed
On 10/16/2020 at 9:45 PM, holly928 said:

hi! new here so this might not be the right thread for this, but I'm struggling to figure out whether I'm aro. I'm in college and I've never had a crush, but *in theory*, the idea of dating someone - holding hands, maybe kissing, cuddling, etc - sounds nice (pretty sure I'm ace so probably not much beyond that). could that just be me internalizing societal pressure to be in a relationship, or does the fact that I do at some point want to have a relationship like that mean I'm not aro? even if I haven't yet met someone I want to have that sort of relationship with?

I recently (it was like yesterday but oh well😅) learned that I was aroace. It was really hard for me to come to that conclusion since I, just like you described, wanted to have a relationship and I’ve always connected aro to wanting to stay single for some reason, but then I learned that there’s a thing called queerplatonic relationships (or quasiplatonic if you prefer to call it that) and it’s like in the middle of a romantic and a platonic relationship I would say. It’s more than friends but it’s not romantic, you can for example move in and have a family with your queerplatonic partner which you probably wouldn’t do with a friend and that’s something that some aros have. So it’s totally possible to be aro and still want a relationship, just not a romantic one.
 

I’d say you should probably think about if you feel romantic attraction towards your crush. Would you see yourself in a romantic relationship with them or more of a queerplatonic relationship? That’s what I asked myself and I realized that what I was looking for was a qpr (queerplatonic relationship). Since kissing, holding hands, cuddling and hugging for example has to do with sensual attraction (which lines up with romantic attraction for some but not all) you could feel sensual attraction towards someone and still not think of them in a romantic way. That’s why I didn’t think I was aro, cause I felt sensual and aesthetic attraction (attraction towards the looks of a person) and I wanted to have a relationship some day.

 

Hope this helped!💖💖✌️🥰

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On 1/14/2021 at 1:41 AM, AceParrot said:

Hello, this is somewhat random and more of a summary of my experience...

I am asexual and almost certain I am also aromatic because I have never had crushes (only squishes). I dated one person and did not like the romantic aspect of it, anytime my partner held my hand or kissed me I felt very uncomfortable. I ended up ending the relationship because of this, and honestly felt relieved when I did. I thought there was maybe something wrong with me for not feeling the way everyone else did about their romantic/sexual partners. I then realized that I don't even really like the idea of romantic aspect of relationships in general and would prefer platonic relationships only. Since then I have found the terms asexual and aromatic. I related to these, however, until I found AVEN a few days ago I honestly still felt really separated from "everyone else".

Welcome 🎂🍰

 

I relate very much to what you are describing. I've been in one relationship but I relized I wasn't in love and I felt awkward kissing and I just didn't want to continue. For a long time I thought I just didn't have time for a relationship and that I didn't desire it just then, but I have come to the conclusion that I've never wanted that and I never felt ronantically attracted to the person I had that relationship with. So I get the feeling of not being like everyone else.

 

3 hours ago, VeryAsexyIndeed said:

but then I learned that there’s a thing called queerplatonic relationships (or quasiplatonic if you prefer to call it that) and it’s like in the middle of a romantic and a platonic relationship I would say. It’s more than friends but it’s not romantic, you can for example move in and have a family with your queerplatonic partner which you probably wouldn’t do with a friend and that’s something that some aros have. So it’s totally possible to be aro and still want a relationship, just not a romantic one.

I heard of queerplatonic relationship like some days ago and I think that is just an amazing though for the future! 

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  • 3 weeks later...

hi : ) i'm very new here and relatively new to aromanticism, and am really trying to figure myself out. i've been in a couple relationships, one lasting pretty briefly and the other one a year. i've never really liked massive romantic overtures, and preferred just being together in a familiar space and hanging out. on one hand, i really like being with people and i have really close relationships with my friends, and i've always been a physically tactile person with them such as holding hands, cuddling, etc, and always platonically with them. i also like the idea of marriage, though i've always seen it more like a really intense best-friend contract than anything. (on a sidenote, shouldn't that be what wives/husbands/etc. should be? just like, super best friends who stick with each other?) 

 

i just really feel like i'm floundering around in the dark when it comes to romance, and i've always had a hard time differentiating platonic from romantic feelings. is that where queerplatonic relationships come in? i just feel really confused and everyone else i know seems to know exactly where the lines in relationships are : / maybe i just don't know exactly what ~romance~ is.

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8 hours ago, love-r-boy said:

hi : ) i'm very new here and relatively new to aromanticism, and am really trying to figure myself out. i've been in a couple relationships, one lasting pretty briefly and the other one a year. i've never really liked massive romantic overtures, and preferred just being together in a familiar space and hanging out. on one hand, i really like being with people and i have really close relationships with my friends, and i've always been a physically tactile person with them such as holding hands, cuddling, etc, and always platonically with them.

Welcome!  I hope being on here and reading through stuff can help you figure yourself out!

From what I've read it seems to me like you are close to your friends, in what to you is a wholly platonic, but also touch- positive way (so you like physical contact) - very realtable I find. I also like being close to my friends physically - being close, holding hands, cuddling; but do draw a line at more kissing that's more than a peck. SO you do know that you're not completely touch- averse!

 

8 hours ago, love-r-boy said:

i also like the idea of marriage, though i've always seen it more like a really intense best-friend contract than anything. (on a sidenote, shouldn't that be what wives/husbands/etc. should be? just like, super best friends who stick with each other?) 

Marriage is a hard topic (if you ask me) because they can be so different. If a marriage you'd "participate in" would be liek an intense, committed friendship, that's totally fine! Some peopl do view it liek that, but for a lot of alloromantic people there is this weird romance part that a lot of aro&/ace-specs don't get or are confused about. And that's fine!

Maybe starting out to think about you'd want in a comitted realtionship (maybe before marriage) would entail for you and then checking if it's the same you (or society) would expect from a "normal" romantic realtionship would be a good place to start?  

 

8 hours ago, love-r-boy said:

i just really feel like i'm floundering around in the dark when it comes to romance, and i've always had a hard time differentiating platonic from romantic feelings. is that where queerplatonic relationships come in? i just feel really confused and everyone else i know seems to know exactly where the lines in relationships are : / maybe i just don't know exactly what ~romance~ is.

Even not being able to differentiate platonic love from romantic love is a sign of being on the spectrum :) QPR's seem to also depend of the individual's interpretation. As far as I understood, it's a kind of comitted, decidedly non-romantic relationship. What that entails is up to the people in it (whether it's of sexual or nonsexual nature, open or closed or poly, ...). Trust me, relationship lines can be very hard, don't worry about it too much!

 

Love, Ally

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am so happy to be aromantic, even just for logistical reasons and the survival skill of not falling into trust where its undue and relying on a person after that. 

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On 2/18/2021 at 8:29 AM, Snao Cone said:

I am so happy to be aromantic, even just for logistical reasons and the survival skill of not falling into trust where its undue and relying on a person after that. 

I've had this thought so many times. To others what seems like a committed relationship often seems like weird codependence to me. That said I know people do get a lot of benefit out of facing life as a team, and in some aspects that really makes sense to me.

 

Somewhat related, I recently went through the process of adopting a second dog. have no particular point to make about this, but it's just on my mind. If any of you have been through the process of adopting a rescue dog, it is often a pretty involved process. In depth screening and application, etc. They can be pretty strict about who they adopt to. With covid and everyone working from home and wanting dogs the competitiveness got ramped up a TON. I knew I needed to be patient and probably put in a few applications before having things work out, but even I was like wtf after a few months of application after application going unanswered. And to be brief, I'm an experienced dog owner and essentially live in doggie paradise. There was one rescue in particular that I applied to a few times. One for a dog that I had completely fallen in love with and thought would be a perfect match for me, my resident dog, and our lifestyle. I was pretty devastated when I didn't hear back from them and also a little like... Wtf this dog would literally be surrounded by dog lovers and spend his days hiking, playing outside, and swimming in the summer and his evenings getting spoiled and snuggled. And would have the best big doggie sister ever (biased lol). This particular rescue always posts pictures on instagram when a dog gets adopted and I had been noticing for a while that almost 100% of adopters were either families or couples. Sure enough the one I had hoped for went to a young couple. Clearly this isn't proof of anything and I mean, it made me think well yeah, things WOULD be easier as a team. And I mean maybe by being single I am kind of limiting the ease of consistently providing the best possible stimulation for a new second dog, so why not prioritize people who are going to in theory have double the chances of successfully fitting in a new family member into the routine? But at the same time I still felt resentment and part of me was like f u I can do anything as an individual that I could as part of a couple, it's just a matter of commitment! Even though for all I know it's just coincidence that they mostly adopt to couples and my status had nothing at all to do with it.

 

Anyway, super long rambling story with no real point. I think this experience just illustrated some of the conflict I've been having recently around going with my nature to be alone and independent in all things vs. the potential benefits of "teaming up." 

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On 2/21/2021 at 5:24 PM, SaturnOOO said:

I've had this thought so many times. To others what seems like a committed relationship often seems like weird codependence to me. That said I know people do get a lot of benefit out of facing life as a team, and in some aspects that really makes sense to me.

 

Somewhat related, I recently went through the process of adopting a second dog. have no particular point to make about this, but it's just on my mind. If any of you have been through the process of adopting a rescue dog, it is often a pretty involved process. In depth screening and application, etc. They can be pretty strict about who they adopt to. With covid and everyone working from home and wanting dogs the competitiveness got ramped up a TON. I knew I needed to be patient and probably put in a few applications before having things work out, but even I was like wtf after a few months of application after application going unanswered. And to be brief, I'm an experienced dog owner and essentially live in doggie paradise. There was one rescue in particular that I applied to a few times. One for a dog that I had completely fallen in love with and thought would be a perfect match for me, my resident dog, and our lifestyle. I was pretty devastated when I didn't hear back from them and also a little like... Wtf this dog would literally be surrounded by dog lovers and spend his days hiking, playing outside, and swimming in the summer and his evenings getting spoiled and snuggled. And would have the best big doggie sister ever (biased lol). This particular rescue always posts pictures on instagram when a dog gets adopted and I had been noticing for a while that almost 100% of adopters were either families or couples. Sure enough the one I had hoped for went to a young couple. Clearly this isn't proof of anything and I mean, it made me think well yeah, things WOULD be easier as a team. And I mean maybe by being single I am kind of limiting the ease of consistently providing the best possible stimulation for a new second dog, so why not prioritize people who are going to in theory have double the chances of successfully fitting in a new family member into the routine? But at the same time I still felt resentment and part of me was like f u I can do anything as an individual that I could as part of a couple, it's just a matter of commitment! Even though for all I know it's just coincidence that they mostly adopt to couples and my status had nothing at all to do with it.

 

Anyway, super long rambling story with no real point. I think this experience just illustrated some of the conflict I've been having recently around going with my nature to be alone and independent in all things vs. the potential benefits of "teaming up." 

I think the running assumation is that couples are more financially stable. Also, esp. regarding adopting dogs it can be beneficial when there is another person in case there is a time deficit. But i get what you mean that it can be very frustrating when there are invisible boundaries being made just because you're a single person.

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On 2/18/2021 at 8:29 AM, Snao Cone said:

I am so happy to be aromantic, even just for logistical reasons and the survival skill of not falling into trust where its undue and relying on a person after that. 

Ooh yes! There is so many things I don't have to worry about being aromantic that alloromantic people have to worry about. No awkward dates, no hearts broken due to romance. I went to a self-defense workshop a couple years back and we did a section about abusive relationships and how to get out of them if we ever need to. Although I'm sure it's possible to end up in an abusive relationship of a non-romantic nature, I think it is much less likely for me to end up in an abusive relationship as an aromantic person. (I am still glad that section was included in the workshop, because it's so important for people to know!)

 

On 2/21/2021 at 11:24 AM, SaturnOOO said:

I've had this thought so many times. To others what seems like a committed relationship often seems like weird codependence to me. That said I know people do get a lot of benefit out of facing life as a team, and in some aspects that really makes sense to me.

 

Somewhat related, I recently went through the process of adopting a second dog. have no particular point to make about this, but it's just on my mind. If any of you have been through the process of adopting a rescue dog, it is often a pretty involved process. In depth screening and application, etc. They can be pretty strict about who they adopt to. With covid and everyone working from home and wanting dogs the competitiveness got ramped up a TON. I knew I needed to be patient and probably put in a few applications before having things work out, but even I was like wtf after a few months of application after application going unanswered. And to be brief, I'm an experienced dog owner and essentially live in doggie paradise. There was one rescue in particular that I applied to a few times. One for a dog that I had completely fallen in love with and thought would be a perfect match for me, my resident dog, and our lifestyle. I was pretty devastated when I didn't hear back from them and also a little like... Wtf this dog would literally be surrounded by dog lovers and spend his days hiking, playing outside, and swimming in the summer and his evenings getting spoiled and snuggled. And would have the best big doggie sister ever (biased lol). This particular rescue always posts pictures on instagram when a dog gets adopted and I had been noticing for a while that almost 100% of adopters were either families or couples. Sure enough the one I had hoped for went to a young couple. Clearly this isn't proof of anything and I mean, it made me think well yeah, things WOULD be easier as a team. And I mean maybe by being single I am kind of limiting the ease of consistently providing the best possible stimulation for a new second dog, so why not prioritize people who are going to in theory have double the chances of successfully fitting in a new family member into the routine? But at the same time I still felt resentment and part of me was like f u I can do anything as an individual that I could as part of a couple, it's just a matter of commitment! Even though for all I know it's just coincidence that they mostly adopt to couples and my status had nothing at all to do with it.

 

Anyway, super long rambling story with no real point. I think this experience just illustrated some of the conflict I've been having recently around going with my nature to be alone and independent in all things vs. the potential benefits of "teaming up." 

I have also been trying to embrace my nature of living more independently. Sometimes I feel bad being The Single Person, but I've realized I really do want to live single/independent. It's what makes me happy. What makes me uncomfortable is when everyone else in my life is pairing up. It feels more difficult to navigate relationships with them and makes me feel like I need to compare myself to something I don't even want! So it's not that I want a partner in life - it's that I sorta wish everyone else would stay single 😂

 

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles trying to adopt another dog. Hopefully you'll end up with a pup soon - from the sounds of it they will be a very lucky dog indeed!

 

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Rainy Robin

Hey everybody! I've been around AVEN for a little while now but just figured out that I'm also aro within the last two-ish months, so I wanted to pop into this thread and say hello! 

 

I'm sure there's been talk of this already here, but I just started reading Loveless by Alice Oseman and I'm freaking out about how awesome it is. Representation feels great 🎉💚

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spooky_moss
20 hours ago, Rainy Robin said:

Hey everybody! I've been around AVEN for a little while now but just figured out that I'm also aro within the last two-ish months, so I wanted to pop into this thread and say hello! 

 

I'm sure there's been talk of this already here, but I just started reading Loveless by Alice Oseman and I'm freaking out about how awesome it is. Representation feels great 🎉💚

I haven't read it yet but I've heard about it! It's on my "to-read" list but wooooo am I ever a slow reader these days 😅 Maybe I'll get to it this summer. Is it well written?

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Rainy Robin
3 hours ago, spooky_moss said:

Maybe I'll get to it this summer. Is it well written?

It is! Her writing style isn't pretentious or flowery or anything, which I really like. And I've read some of her other work as well, and those books were written just as well. All of her characters are also super relatable in some way, which makes it feel super comforting to read her work. 

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InvisibleSquid

Sooooo I'm new-but-not-new here. Discovered my asexuality a year or two ago, and recently my marriage of almost 14 years fell apart. We are now separated. In the midst of everything, I think I'm finding out that I may be some form of aromantic. I've always been confused about being romantic, and romantic feelings and such. I like the idea of love, but have always found it easier to love my friends than to fall in love with a "new person." With the exception of my first girlfriend, every relationship of mine has started as a friendship. Problem is, after a while it's like my feelings "fall off." Now I'm wondering if what actually happens is that I'm just acting romantically to make the other person happy, and then it gets stale or something? IDK It's like when things are new, it's exciting, and that's fun. So when it's not as fun it's just back to normal close friendship, which is fine for me, but not the other person. So then the relationship ends, I feel bad, but it's not like we hate each other. The majority of my relationships ended up still being friends for quite some time.

 

All this summed up over my lifetime makes me think I'm actually aromantic. I just like to be with someone and, like, just be close sometimes. Hang out, hold hands, cuddle, whatever. But I wouldn't even care if they went and did the same with someone else. I've never had jealousy issues (that was always another point of contention with my past relationships; they just thought I didn't care enough about them). I'd think if I was romantic, I'd care more if my other was with someone else, but that's just not the case. I'd rather just have a friend with benefits, where the benefits are just some extra physical attention. Can that just be a thing, without people being weird about it???

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello, so recently I've been questioning. A good portion of my friends have been getting into relationships (some with the same gender, some with others), and this has spurred me into wondering where I lie in all this. First off, I am still quite young (15) at this point, but I have never felt the need for a romantic relationship. Like, I understand how people have relationships, and I see how someone could be considered attractive, but they are all the same to me. I feel certain that I am pan (never been in a relationship though...), but I recently discovered the term aromatic. I'm not bothered by romantic relationships (Infact I think they can be quite cute), but I don't necessarily need one or feel like I want one. Can anyone help me to understand? Am I too young to question these sorts of things? I haven't told anyone yet, as my discoveries have only started about 2-3 months ago. Any advice to understanding would be great. 

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24 minutes ago, Dragon Bon said:

Hello, so recently I've been questioning. A good portion of my friends have been getting into relationships (some with the same gender, some with others), and this has spurred me into wondering where I lie in all this. First off, I am still quite young (15) at this point, but I have never felt the need for a romantic relationship. Like, I understand how people have relationships, and I see how someone could be considered attractive, but they are all the same to me. I feel certain that I am pan (never been in a relationship though...), but I recently discovered the term aromatic. I'm not bothered by romantic relationships (Infact I think they can be quite cute), but I don't necessarily need one or feel like I want one. Can anyone help me to understand? Am I too young to question these sorts of things? I haven't told anyone yet, as my discoveries have only started about 2-3 months ago. Any advice to understanding would be great. 

Welcome to AVEN

 

I never had a girlfriend as a teenager, just wasn't interested/couldn't be bothered. In my 20s I more or less knew I wasn't interested in marriage or fatherhood (when my friends were getting engaged and married). I went thru life thinking I was straight. I had female friends over the years, but nothing that would be considered a relationship. I found out about asexuality when I was 44 (I'm 59 now), but didn't figure out what aromanticism was until a couple of years ago after I joined AVEN four years ago.

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