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The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

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I, Joan
On ‎7‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 12:53 AM, samurai68 said:

Hi guys!

I have a question 😄

I've never met someone that I felt romantically or sexually attracted to (I've never even had a crush), but I've always wanted to be in a relationship because I want that kind of deep emotional connection. Does that mean I'm not aromantic? That I've read too many romance books?😄 Or it's just that I haven't found 'the one' yet?  🤔

Sorry, I'm new and I'm kinda lost. 😅

I was in the same boat for a long time. I convinced myself I had a romantic crush in ninth grade, and that relationship lasted for three years, because of a societal "should". I want to be in a deep emotional relationship, and society told me romance was the way. It took a long time to be honest with myself and realize that romance isn't for me. I can totally be happy for my friends when they find love, and I think it's adorable. I do have that "what if I just haven't found the one yet" thought pattern (I'm only 18), but the way I see it? Sexuality is fluid. Right now, ace and aro describes me best. If that changes in the future, that changes. 

 

As for a non-romantic deep emotional connection (and I see a lot of other people talking about them too), but queerplatonic relationships. There's not a ton of information on them, but like others have said, you can define it for yourself. To me, it's very different from a regular friendship or even best friends. I've only come across that through realizing I have a serious squish on one of my friends, though. 

 

I'm rambling. My point is, define yourself how it feels right for you. If calling yourself aromantic feels right, then call yourself aromantic. If it doesn't, look into other words. You do you! :)

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will123
Posted (edited)

I never had any interest in going to prom. A couple of years ago I was talking with a female homeroom classmate. We sat together each morning. She was pretty and very friendly.

 

We were reminiscing about high school among things when I mentioned the 'mucky mucks' at our Grade 12 prom causing some issues at the golf course country club where it was held. Several hole flags were missing and some of the greens were 'trashed' because of the high heels the girls were wearing.

 

"You can't blame me I wasn't there", she responded. I was very surprised. "You didnt go to the prom?" "Nope nobody asked me". She didn't seem the least be concerned. Now almost 40 years had passed so I imagine that may have had something to do with it.

 

I imagine it would be upsetting to most girls if they didnt get asked.

Edited by will123
Changed 'did' to 'didnt'

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LemonCupcakes
18 hours ago, Faylinn said:

I can totally be happy for my friends when they find love, and I think it's adorable. I do have that "what if I just haven't found the one yet" thought pattern (I'm only 18), but the way I see it? Sexuality is fluid. Right now, ace and aro describes me best. If that changes in the future, that changes. 

This is exactly how I feel as well. For a while, until I was about 17 or 18, I was too scared to call myself aro ace, because I thought I was too young to know, and who knows what will happen in the future? I think I heard the word “late bloomer” once when I was 13, and spent years thinking that’s what I was, just waiting for something to happen but it never did. And now I’m 19, and I still haven’t met anyone I’m romantically/sexually attracted to. The older I get, the more plausible it is that I actually am aro ace (and even if I’m not, I’m definitely on the spectrum) and even if something does change in the future, the words aro and ace describe me best right now. :) 

 

Out of curiosity (sorry if it’s too personal), how old were you guys when you started questioning your romantic and/or sexual orientation? Was there a specific point where you actively decided to label yourselves as aromantic (or on the spectrum), or did you know as soon as you first came across the word?

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I, Joan
3 hours ago, LemonCupcakes said:

Out of curiosity (sorry if it’s too personal), how old were you guys when you started questioning your romantic and/or sexual orientation? Was there a specific point where you actively decided to label yourselves as aromantic (or on the spectrum), or did you know as soon as you first came across the word?

I was sixteen when I realized it wasn't a normal straight thing to have the occasional fantasy of the same sex, and it took a few months for me to describe myself as bi. I was in a gay relationship for a couple months then, but something still felt really wrong (I attributed it to my conservative Christian upbringing, but that wasn't it). 

I thought I was romantically broken for a few months (lots of breakdowns over that) because I kept dissociating around my partner, and some even after we broke up. He suggested maybe I was aro, and I freaked out, because I hadn't looked into it at all and I really didn't want to be what I at the time considered to be romantically broken. But when I looked at ace and aro together, I became more okay with it (still not okay, but not breaking down over it). Then I read an article about queerplatonic relationships and everything clicked together. I'm so desperately glad I read that, because it all makes sense now. So to answer your question....16. But I wasn't okay with it until 18, just a few months ago. 

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I'mTheDecoy
22 hours ago, Faylinn said:

 I do have that "what if I just haven't found the one yet" thought pattern (I'm only 18), but the way I see it? Sexuality is fluid. Right now, ace and aro describes me best. If that changes in the future, that changes. 

I have no doubt at all that I am asexual - no hint of grey or demi.  Although i did used to say I was demi.  the same way my gay friends used bi as a stepping stone to coming out, which is both understandable and unfortunately a little disrespectful to people who are genuinely demi or bi.  Anyway, my point is that i too still question whether I am aro - in a 'maybe one day i will meet the one' way.  I am pretty sure i am aro, but part of my brain is still like maybe I am actually demi-romantic (is that a term?) just in case.

 

 

3 hours ago, LemonCupcakes said:

Out of curiosity (sorry if it’s too personal), how old were you guys when you started questioning your romantic and/or sexual orientation? Was there a specific point where you actively decided to label yourselves as aromantic (or on the spectrum), or did you know as soon as you first came across the word?

Too convoluted to tell any more.  As a teen, I was questioning my gender so much that I didn't really consider my sexuality.  It wasn't until I was in my mid-late twenties that I really started to panic about my sexuality, because none that I tried out fit.  When my final attempt at a romantic relationship crashed and burned because I discovered the idea of it in practical terms horrified me, I was finally led to the correct sexuality (when I was about 30).  I only found out about romantic attraction being separate from sexual attraction after I identified as ace and started researching it.  I identify as aro simply because I don't understand the concept of romantic attraction as a separate thing to sexual attraction.  To me they sound like the same thing, and I don't experience them.

 

 

22 hours ago, will123 said:

I never had any interest in going to prom. A couple of years ago I was talking with a female homeroom classmate. We sat together each morning. She was pretty and very friendly.

 

We were reminiscing about high school among things when I mentioned the 'mucky mucks' at our Grade 12 prom causing some issues at the golf course country club where it was held. Several hole flags were missing and some of the greens were 'trashed' because of the high heels the girls were wearing.

 

"You can't blame me I wasn't there", she responded. I was very surprised. "You didnt go to thr prom?" "Nope nobody asked me". She did seem the least be concerned. Now almost 40 years had passed so I imagine that may have had something to do with it.

 

I imagine it would be upsetting to most girls if they didnt get asked.

The idea of 'Prom' was very American.  I grew up in the UK.  Prom was just a thing we saw in movies etc where it was heralded as something incredibly important, along with Homecoming, whatever the hell that is.  So at the end of school, we had this belief that PROM was all-important because HOLLYWOOD,  But our actual 'prom' was totally lame.  We only really went to see our friends for the last time.  Everyone was expected to pair up, but a lot of people just went as friend-couples.  Most of my friends hired a bus and went as a group together.  it wasn't really a big deal.  In fact my best friend didn't go at all, although that was probably a statement on her part.

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firebird8
5 hours ago, LemonCupcakes said:

 

 

Out of curiosity (sorry if it’s too personal), how old were you guys when you started questioning your romantic and/or sexual orientation? Was there a specific point where you actively decided to label yourselves as aromantic (or on the spectrum), or did you know as soon as you first came across the word?

I was in my twenties when someone casually in conversation made a comment about their (homosexual) desires feeling as natural to them as "yours probably do to you". I grew up being taught that if you didn't think about sexual things and didn't do things like kissing and stuff that you just wouldn't have any sexual desires until...well, I guess until you got married or something, I dunno. It was a super religious thing. So his comment was electrifying and that's when I suddenly started wondering if something was wrong with or different about me. It still took another 10-15 years to sort it all out. Of course, I don't tend to do things the easy way.

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will123
7 hours ago, LemonCupcakes said:

Out of curiosity (sorry if it’s too personal), how old were you guys when you started questioning your romantic and/or sexual orientation? Was there a specific point where you actively decided to label yourselves as aromantic (or on the spectrum), or did you know as soon as you first came across the word?

Even though I've identified as asexual since I was 44, it wasn't until last year when I was 56 that I realized that I was aro as well.

 

I knew about AVEN when I found out about asexuality, but I just lurked for a while. On a lark, I looked for AVEN a couple years ago and lo and below it was still around (albeit in a slightly different format). I DID sign up and as they say, the rest is history. 

 

I was bombarded by the terminology and even though I read where folks described themselves aromantic, I never really thought to look into it. For whatever reason last year something 'twigged' in me and I did some reading on it. It dawned on me that I WAS aromantic besides being asexual. That EXPLAINED a lot of things that I experienced (or didn't) when I thought I was straight.

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samurai68
On 7/17/2019 at 8:06 AM, LemonCupcakes said:

Out of curiosity (sorry if it’s too personal), how old were you guys when you started questioning your romantic and/or sexual orientation? Was there a specific point where you actively decided to label yourselves as aromantic (or on the spectrum), or did you know as soon as you first came across the word?

I realised that there was something different when I was like 12 but since I couldn't figure out what I was I just kinda ignored it until a few weeks ago when I looked up the word because my best friend kept calling me that. (I'm 20😅)

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Snao van der Cone
On 7/17/2019 at 10:06 AM, LemonCupcakes said:

Out of curiosity (sorry if it’s too personal), how old were you guys when you started questioning your romantic and/or sexual orientation? Was there a specific point where you actively decided to label yourselves as aromantic (or on the spectrum), or did you know as soon as you first came across the word?

I knew as soon as I came across the word. I remember as a kid having a hard time imagining myself in a happily-ever-after situation the way that girls were supposed to strive for. I've always been kind of an asshole, and definitely not a graceful lady prepared to tend to the needs of a lover's whim, so I attributed my lack of wanting a romantic relationship to that sort of thing at first. As I got older it really settled in that nothing will make me want to meld my identity with another person's. I didn't know aromantic was a thing until I was 30 or 31, so I knew right away that the word applied to me.

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Member131995

I didn't feel like making a whole thread about this...and this is probably the appropriate place for this anyway

 

Anyway, I've been really questioning myself lately as far as my romanticism is concerned. I think I'm still confused about what aromanticism means. Does it mean if I identify as aro that I'm not wanting a relationship? Or does it mean that within the relationship that I don't like romantic gestures? (Cuddling, touching of any kind, flowers, whatever)

 

I think I'm really confused about this. Because for years, I've been forcing myself to try to be in relationships and I always Stonewall myself at some point. I always come up short. I always find myself wanting out. Or am I just afraid of commitment? I feel like the more I think about it, the less I want a relationship as far as a dedicated partner. I want people for companionship, but what is that, other than friends? Can you have people who are more than friends but not committed partners? A little help.

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DogObsessedLianne
33 minutes ago, Arhriy said:

I didn't feel like making a whole thread about this...and this is probably the appropriate place for this anyway

 

Anyway, I've been really questioning myself lately as far as my romanticism is concerned. I think I'm still confused about what aromanticism means. Does it mean if I identify as aro that I'm not wanting a relationship? Or does it mean that within the relationship that I don't like romantic gestures? (Cuddling, touching of any kind, flowers, whatever)

 

I think I'm really confused about this. Because for years, I've been forcing myself to try to be in relationships and I always Stonewall myself at some point. I always come up short. I always find myself wanting out. Or am I just afraid of commitment? I feel like the more I think about it, the less I want a relationship as far as a dedicated partner. I want people for companionship, but what is that, other than friends? Can you have people who are more than friends but not committed partners? A little help.

I'll explain my experience in the hope it might help you, but hopefully others' experiences will also help with this. I'm aro ace. For the majority of my life I just thought I was a bad bisexual (and then a bad biromantic when I eventually did find out about asexuality). I just didn't see or feel any difference to how I saw or felt about my old school best friend(s). I only desired the companionship that I thought I could only get in a romantic relationship after these platonic relationships were sidelined when my friends pursued and prioritised their romantic relationships, and because I still wanted that companionship I then also looked for a romantic relationship; leaving many broken hearts down the line unfortunately because I approached it how I naturally would as aroace - as I would a best friend like I did with my best friend at school, but was not prepared at all for the heart level of emotional pining that romantics seem to experience. I never experienced a crush. I thought I did - there was a girl at school I thought was so cool and beautiful that I thought it was a romantic crush, but I feel that same awe at a beautiful rose. As for celebrities they were mainly guitarists who I thought were SO cool, the character of Buffy (it went around school that I had a crush on Sarah Michelle Geller but really it was a sqush on the character). Later on other squishes were exceptionally good sports people, people I would get excited about meeting because I look up to them so much just like a young boy would traditionally get excited about his favourite football (soccer) player. I just assumed this excitement was part of a crush, like when I get very excited about a new album from Richard Kruspe (be it Rammstein or Emigrate) who is pretty much my biggest and long standing squish (and I thought was a crush until very recently). But at the same time I get the same excitement at the new songs coming out by Abba (and I definitely don't want to date any of them, but they are still my ultimate musical idols. )

Now, probably largely to do with society as in an ideal world I'd settle down with a best friend or friends in the same way that I had best friends at school, I am in a QPR with a homoromantic woman. It does involve compromise and TONNES of communication and I know that she is holding a lot back, which then often leads to moodiness and it is definitely not easy because I know she has fluttery romantic feelings for me that I don't have for her. In fact, she felt it very quickly after meeting and in typical fashion for me I was oblivious to it!!! I don't understand this love at first sight idea or quick heart fluttery feelings. However, I do like the idea of settling down with a friend (or more but let's be realistic in society). My ideal would be like a non-religious form of religious community, though possibly mixed gendered. It is this shared companionship and shared values of a lived life together that I want. However, it could easily be argued that had society not prioritised romantic relationships at the expense of platonic relationships I would be happy with just my friends and family around me, however it is the sidelining that makes me need to work out something. I think, especially in the likes of the UK, the individualism is so strong that people feel isolated outside of a romantic relationship. This is most certainly the case in other western countries at least. 

As for the sensual stuff that really depends on the person. Talking of family and friends, some are more sensual in touch, kisses, hugs and gifts than others - just think of the wide range of families and friendships in this regard. They are not specifically romantic things though  some societies might make them out to be, especially if you are a straight male in a male environment with your best mates there might be the added pressure to "not appear gay" by showing any affection physically, though you could argue that the man happy to show affection in this situation would be the healthiest and more confident in his own sexuality. Typically (speaking stereotypically from a  western perspective in all this so please bear with me) female environments and friendships can be more sensual, though it all depends on the person. I do think generally, at least where I am in the UK, we are physical-affection starved because we put hugs etc into the romantic category, and I'm speaking here as not a touchy-feely person at all!!!

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LemonCupcakes
3 hours ago, Arhriy said:

Anyway, I've been really questioning myself lately as far as my romanticism is concerned. I think I'm still confused about what aromanticism means. Does it mean if I identify as aro that I'm not wanting a relationship? Or does it mean that within the relationship that I don't like romantic gestures? (Cuddling, touching of any kind, flowers, whatever)

 

I think I'm really confused about this. Because for years, I've been forcing myself to try to be in relationships and I always Stonewall myself at some point. I always come up short. I always find myself wanting out. Or am I just afraid of commitment? I feel like the more I think about it, the less I want a relationship as far as a dedicated partner. I want people for companionship, but what is that, other than friends? Can you have people who are more than friends but not committed partners? A little help.

The way I understand it, aromanticism means not experiencing romantic attraction towards anyone. So basically, you don’t develop crushes on people, and you don’t feel the desire/need to pursue a romantic relationship with someone? So it doesn’t mean that you don’t want a relationship per se, just more that you don’t have a need for a romantic relationship (please correct me if this is wrong, this is just my understanding of the term). There are many kinds of relationships that can exist between people: familial, platonic, professional/work-related, acquaintances, queer-platonic, and probably many more.

I think people who are more than friends but not committed partners could be interpreted as being queer-platonic? I’ve never been in a QPR so I don’t have any experiences to share, but I think a QPR is just what the people involved decide it to be. (I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be of more help - I’m still kind of new to this whole thing as well. Wish you all the best, though! 💕)

 

2 hours ago, LizLianne said:

I do like the idea of settling down with a friend (or more but let's be realistic in society). My ideal would be like a non-religious form of religious community, though possibly mixed gendered. It is this shared companionship and shared values of a lived life together that I want. However, it could easily be argued that had society not prioritised romantic relationships at the expense of platonic relationships I would be happy with just my friends and family around me, however it is the sidelining that makes me need to work out something. I think, especially in the likes of the UK, the individualism is so strong that people feel isolated outside of a romantic relationship. This is most certainly the case in other western countries at least. 

This is very interesting to read - thanks for sharing! I agree, there is a very big pressure to settle down with a romantic partner (and romantic relationships are often viewed as being inherently more valuable than platonic ones). The way society views relationships seems kind of confusing and restrictive to me, in general. (I really don’t like the stereotype of the old, unmarried, slightly crazy cat lady.)

I do like the idea of settling down with a best friend as well, but right now, I’m very happy with my parents, siblings and close friends being in my support/social circle and haven’t really felt the need for a specific, committed life partner (though that may change as I get older, who knows?) It’s all very confusing, either way!

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Chihiro
11 hours ago, Arhriy said:

Anyway, I've been really questioning myself lately as far as my romanticism is concerned. I think I'm still confused about what aromanticism means. Does it mean if I identify as aro that I'm not wanting a relationship? Or does it mean that within the relationship that I don't like romantic gestures? (Cuddling, touching of any kind, flowers, whatever)

IMO, people who don't feel romantic feelings are aromantics. Its a different kind of feeling and differs somewhat from person to person. For me its an addictive, giddy feeling accompanied by weird sort of craving to be around the person. What a person wants to do as a result of these feelings again varies, some like cuddling, some like giving gifts, sexuals like to do sexual activity, etc. Many aromantics don't pursue relationships because they are just happy with friendships. Being aromantic doesn't necessarily mean not interested in relationships. On AVEN, relationships pursued by aromantics is called QPR.

BTW, I have been romantically in love and also been in QPR. The feelings involved were vastly different. But its literally the same as romantic relationship in terms of the amount of effort you have to put into QPR. Lots of communication, planning etc. Lots of hard work.

 

Quote

I think I'm really confused about this. Because for years, I've been forcing myself to try to be in relationships and I always Stonewall myself at some point. I always come up short. I always find myself wanting out. Or am I just afraid of commitment? I feel like the more I think about it, the less I want a relationship as far as a dedicated partner. I want people for companionship, but what is that, other than friends? Can you have people who are more than friends but not committed partners? A little help.

I am not sure what you mean by "more than friends". I call people who are more than friends as best friends (I dont have any unfortunately. If I ever find one, I can just happily live forever after). Someone with whom you can be yourself but don't have to deal with typical relationship stuff (relationships are a lot of work). Personally, I feel 'best friend' is the best of both worlds- friendships and relationships. No need to commit. Dont have to think about them all the time. Dont have to adjust my life around them, like moving in with them etc. Based on what little you have said, feels like you are an aromantic who just wants best friends.

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Marcin
1 hour ago, Chihiro said:

typical relationship stuff (relationships are a lot of work)

Umm, what is that exactly? I'm seriously asking. I mean, typical relationship stuff is cheating and 'dumping' , but I don't think you mean that, since even the most romantic of romantics don't enter relationships with that in mind 😸

I'd say living together would be the one, but this is usually easier than living separately (provided you actually like said person), since cheaper and can help each other.

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DogObsessedLianne
9 hours ago, LemonCupcakes said:

This is very interesting to read - thanks for sharing! I agree, there is a very big pressure to settle down with a romantic partner (and romantic relationships are often viewed as being inherently more valuable than platonic ones). The way society views relationships seems kind of confusing and restrictive to me, in general. (I really don’t like the stereotype of the old, unmarried, slightly crazy cat lady.)

I do like the idea of settling down with a best friend as well, but right now, I’m very happy with my parents, siblings and close friends being in my support/social circle and haven’t really felt the need for a specific, committed life partner (though that may change as I get older, who knows?) It’s all very confusing, either way!

Oh, there's a high chance I'll end up the crazy unmarried dog lady!!!!

 

I think ultimately there's lots at play, how much we have been sidelined, to how many family and close friends are around, if your family is close, if you were the child with a single best friend  /small group at school or the kid in the middle of lots, basically what you psychologically and socially need.

2 hours ago, Chihiro said:

But its literally the same as romantic relationship in terms of the amount of effort you have to put into QPR. Lots of communication, planning etc. Lots of hard work.

So do quality friendships! Even family relationships can involve effort.

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will123
13 hours ago, Arhriy said:

Or am I just afraid of commitment? I feel like the more I think about it, the less I want a relationship as far as a dedicated partner. I want people for companionship, but what is that, other than friends? Can you have people who are more than friends but not committed partners? A little help.

This sounds like me. When I was in my 20s and thought I was straight, my female friends were just that, friends. There may have been a very slight hope of sex with them, but for the most part they were just a 'buddy' that I enjoyed hanging out and doing stuff with.

 

Looking back at an incident in my 30s where I reacted negatively to the possibility of sex with a different female friend, I've also wondered if the fear of commitment may have been a reason for saying no. At that time I wanted to be sexual, but when confronted about it I wanted no part of it.

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firebird8
1 hour ago, Marcin said:

Umm, what is that exactly? I'm seriously asking. I mean, typical relationship stuff is cheating and 'dumping' , but I don't think you mean that, since even the most romantic of romantics don't enter relationships with that in mind 😸

I'd say living together would be the one, but this is usually easier than living separately (provided you actually like said person), since cheaper and can help each other.

Ha, have you ever lived with someone? Most marriages split over money, is what I've heard, so first things to figure out: do you pool your money together or keep it separate? How do you decide on spending, from getting a latte to buying a house? If one of you makes a lot more than the other, should they put in more money so each can have the same lifestyle? 

 

Ok, so you sorted out money. What about pets? Hopefully you don't have any that the other person is allergic to and vice versa. Do you want them or not? 

 

How about household chores? Who does what? How do you keep things lighthearted so nobody feels taken advantage of when their part of the chores inevitably means cleaning messes they didn't make? How do you deal with differences of opinion about how important certain chores are, or differing levels of cleanliness expectations?

 

Food: do you like the same food? Can either of you cook? Do you want to eat at the same times? 

 

Lifestyle: are both of you night owls or early birds? Usually you get one of each and drive each other wild with different schedules. Do you like to stay home or go out all the time? Do you go out together or do you need alone time/time with friends without the other person (often known as "girl time" or "guys night"). Do you like the same TV shows and movies? (That one is actually pretty important, if you watch TV. It can be maddening to disagree strongly about it.)

 

And I'll end with contact, though this is not at all a full list. How much contact do you want/will you give? When you attend together and one of you messages the other, will you respond immediately or as soon as you see it or maybe not at all? 

 

 

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Marcin
4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Ha, have you ever lived with someone?

Yes, this is why I decided to try relationship with someone, it was because we could live together for one month and had no issues with that. And to be honest, we weren't even that well matched. Like, they were super carnivore, while I don't even like meat much, I could just be vegetarian for all I care... 😺

 

I also know what a nightmare it is to live with someone incompatible. After all, I lived with my parents for like, hmm, half my life?

 

4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Most marriages split over money, is what I've heard, so first things to figure out: do you pool your money together or keep it separate? How do you decide on spending, from getting a latte to buying a house? If one of you makes a lot more than the other, should they put in more money so each can have the same lifestyle? 

That obviously depends on people and on circumstances. My ideal case would be to earn money together, so main pool would be common, while each has their own 'allowance' to spend on whatever we want. Figuring out things like that is part of the fun of sharing life, I'd think?

 

4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Ok, so you sorted out money. What about pets? Hopefully you don't have any that the other person is allergic to and vice versa. Do you want them or not? 

If there are pet incompatibilities, each can have their own, and we can help each other with them. I'm actually super flexible with that since I don't have any, I prefer to befriend those that are already around 😺

 

4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

How about household chores? Who does what? How do you keep things lighthearted so nobody feels taken advantage of when their part of the chores inevitably means cleaning messes they didn't make? How do you deal with differences of opinion about how important certain chores are, or differing levels of cleanliness expectations?

I prefer doing them together. It turns chores into quality time. And they often can be done faster like that. Different level of expected cleanliness is of course a good thing to consider before deciding to live together, but minor things can be communicated and negotiated.

 

4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Food: do you like the same food? Can either of you cook? Do you want to eat at the same times? 

Cooking is good example of chore turned into quality time. I'm too lazy to cook by myself most of the time, but with someone nice, it is actually fun! And we both get to explore what other person likes and see if we like it too 😺

Is 'time of eating' really such big deal for people? I can eat whenever.

 

4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Lifestyle: are both of you night owls or early birds? Usually you get one of each and drive each other wild with different schedules.

Umm, why? Worst case scenario would be needing separate bedrooms, so no big deal.

 

4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Do you like to stay home or go out all the time? Do you go out together or do you need alone time/time with friends without the other person (often known as "girl time" or "guys night").

This is matter of compatibility. You obviously don't start living together with someone who has nothing in common with you. Would you even be friends with them in the first place? For example, it's unlikely I'd be close friend with anyone needing 'guys night' or 'girl time', because it sounds kinda sexist to be honest... And I'm agender... 😺

 

4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

Do you like the same TV shows and movies? (That one is actually pretty important, if you watch TV. It can be maddening to disagree strongly about it.)

I can watch different things, most of the time it's just a background noise for me. If we were vastly incompatible in that regard, we wouldn't be good friends to begin with

 

4 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

And I'll end with contact, though this is not at all a full list. How much contact do you want/will you give? When you attend together and one of you messages the other, will you respond immediately or as soon as you see it or maybe not at all?

This again sounds like basic compatibility that you would have with a good friend. I mean, we are talking about living with close friend here, not random stranger who has big boobs or big wallet (let's leave that to romantics, it's their specialty) 😺


To be honest, if someone gave me "list of potential incompatibilities" that we might have, I think I would fall in love with them just for their self awareness. Then we could go through our lists and decide together if sharing our lives would be actually a good idea 😸

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Chihiro
14 hours ago, Marcin said:

Umm, what is that exactly? I'm seriously asking. I mean, typical relationship stuff is cheating and 'dumping' , but I don't think you mean that, since even the most romantic of romantics don't enter relationships with that in mind 😸

Most of the work is in terms of communication. Relationship comes with certain expectations and compromises (varies individually) so you end up thinking a lot about things that you wont think in friendships ("If I do this if my partner will like it? Hate it? Will they leave me? How should make partner feel special this week? etc"). Also, a lot of people have insecurities due to past bad relationships and you may have to constantly reassure them that you love them/wont leave them etc and just saying it may not enough. You have to prove that using actions.

 

Once the relationship reaches stability, then it will be smooth like friendships. Typically thats when people get ready to marry each other or plan for kids or buy house etc.

 

13 hours ago, LizLianne said:

So do quality friendships! Even family relationships can involve effort.

If you generalize like that then literally everything you do in the world requires effort. Just sitting and watching TV is also effort.

I was talking about committed relationships and how romantic and QP relationships needs same "kind" of effort. I explained above what it looks like. I have had some of the best friendships, so I know the difference. Due to distance (we live in different countries) and their personal life like family/romantic obligation these friendships have grown distant. But growing distant hasnt changed a thing. When I meet them, its like we were never apart. They still make time for me and hang out despite not speaking to them in years. They get excited when I am in their town, invite me over etc. Not once have they been upset that I didnt talk to them for X amount of time. People who I was romantic with or those who I did QPR with.... they dont want to do any of the things that my friends do unless I again commit to them.

 

The expectations are vastly different. Friends dont get upset if we didnt hang out often, they dont whine if I brought another friend along with me when we hang out. If I took a seat not next to them in the bus or if I chose to sit on a chair instead of sharing the couch with them.... it wasnt the end of our world. But when I was in QPR doing these things meant causing someone pain/anger/upset etc.

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Chihiro
7 hours ago, Marcin said:

I'd say living together would be the one, but this is usually easier than living separately (provided you actually like said person), since cheaper and can help each other.

I have had so many roommates in my life and I wasn't friends with more than half of them. All the times they were just random people (and eventually some became friends and even best friends). Yet we lived harmoniously, helped each other and invited each other when we had something fun going on with actual friends (although I declined invitations most times since we weren't friends and I am an introvert). My point is, you dont necessarily have to know or be friends with someone to live-together and save and help. As long as you (you and roommate) are respectful and open minded and communicate well, then its very much possible.

 

Out of all the people I lived with (including ex) I have only had issues with one person in terms of living together. They were immature and demanded a lot of personal attention and in my mind I was like "I am not your partner, go get yourself a boyfriend if you want so much attention"! So, just 1 out of 30ish roommates that I didnt get along with.

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Marcin
4 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

Most of the work is in terms of communication.

Ah, thanks, make sense. This is definitely good kind of 'work', more like growing as a person. So, hmm, I'd say this is actually one big advantage of relationship, at least for me. But I'm huge weirdo 😺

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ItchyFeet
17 hours ago, firebird8 said:

Ha, have you ever lived with someone? Most marriages split over money, is what I've heard, so first things to figure out: do you pool your money together or keep it separate? How do you decide on spending, from getting a latte to buying a house? If one of you makes a lot more than the other, should they put in more money so each can have the same lifestyle? 

 

Ok, so you sorted out money. What about pets? Hopefully you don't have any that the other person is allergic to and vice versa. Do you want them or not? 

 

How about household chores? Who does what? How do you keep things lighthearted so nobody feels taken advantage of when their part of the chores inevitably means cleaning messes they didn't make? How do you deal with differences of opinion about how important certain chores are, or differing levels of cleanliness expectations?

 

Food: do you like the same food? Can either of you cook? Do you want to eat at the same times? 

 

Lifestyle: are both of you night owls or early birds? Usually you get one of each and drive each other wild with different schedules. Do you like to stay home or go out all the time? Do you go out together or do you need alone time/time with friends without the other person (often known as "girl time" or "guys night"). Do you like the same TV shows and movies? (That one is actually pretty important, if you watch TV. It can be maddening to disagree strongly about it.)

 

And I'll end with contact, though this is not at all a full list. How much contact do you want/will you give? When you attend together and one of you messages the other, will you respond immediately or as soon as you see it or maybe not at all? 

 

 

This is why if I ever have a QPR the other person and I are not going to live together

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Member131995

I'm going to reply to everyone who responded, once I'm near my laptop but there's so many good responses, I want to reply to everyone when I have time. thank you everyone!

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jbanana
Posted (edited)

Hi there!! Just have a question for you folks 💚

Is it abnormal for an aromantic to still crave touch (like long hugs and cuddles) from friends or family? For as long as I’ve known that I’m not the romantic type I’ve also had what you could describe as a yearning of sorts for closeness, just not romantic or sexual in nature, and I only think I’d be comfortable getting it from certain people like my close friends and family; I’m generally pretty uncomfortable when it comes to hugging certain people but I’m completely fine with it from others? I’m just a bit confused whether that’s normal for aromantics? Is touch-aversion a spectrum too, because I know I’m not completely touch-averse but I’m uncomfortable with romantic or sexual touching or just platonic touching from certain people?

sorry, that was pretty long 😬

Edited by jbanana

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I, Joan

@jbanana I’m the exact same way, minus the family. I wish my friends/squish would touch/cuddle/hug me more. But if someone I’m not comfortable around touches me? Nope. I’m out. So, I dunno about normal, but if not, we’re the same kinda weird. 

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jbanana
1 minute ago, Faylinn said:

@jbanana I’m the exact same way, minus the family. I wish my friends/squish would touch/cuddle/hug me more. But if someone I’m not comfortable around touches me? Nope. I’m out. So, I dunno about normal, but if not, we’re the same kinda weird. 

I’m glad that at least if I’m weird, I’m not the only one. Thank you for your response 💚

hopefully youll get more cuddles. 

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will123

@jbanana I'm aro and I have no problem hugging friends, both male and female. Now if a stranger wanted to hug me after an introduction, I would probably have an issue with it. Charlton Heston's line in Planet of the Apes:

"Get your hands off of me you damn dirty apes!"

 

comes to mind when I see or am confronted with an awkward hug.

 

 I think a lot of it just has to do with our comfort level regardless of our (a)sexuality or (a)romanticism.

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Member131995
On 7/19/2019 at 5:03 AM, LizLianne said:

SNIP

See that's what I've been thinking for a really long time that I was a bad bisexual or polysexual. Because I'm actually finding that I can be aesthetically attracted to people regardless of gender, appearance, whatever. But then I realized I had no desire for sex and then I realized I was ace. But now I'm thinking, apparently, I can be aro and still attracted, not romantically to people, for other reasons. I feel pretty sure I've had squishes. My first one, when I was 12, I thought it was a crush, because at the time I didn't have the language to describe any of this stuff. But now I know it was just a squish because looking back I realize I had no desire to even have a relationship with him, romantically, that is. I really admired him and thought he was really mature (he was 13😂) and he was aesthetically pleasing but I also remember my brother trying to set us up and he wasn't interested in me at all. It didn't really hurt my feelings because at the time all I wanted was to spend time with him, listen to him talk, watch him just being himself, hanging out with his friends, etc. I had no desire to be his girlfriend or even his friend. I remember being really confused and wondering if something was wrong with me but I never shared my true feelings about it with anyone. I have squishes on several famous people, Anderson Cooper, Ellen DeGeneres, the Running with Scissors front man to name a few. I don't want to date any of them, I'd love to meet them though and spend time with them, because I really admire them but beyond that, I have no other desires. I'd say I'm aesthetically attracted to many of my squishes but only in a, that person is so pleasing to look at, I could look at them all day, some people are just like that.

 

On 7/19/2019 at 5:03 AM, LizLianne said:

Now, probably largely to do with society as in an ideal world I'd settle down with a best friend or friends in the same way that I had best friends at school, I am in a QPR with a homoromantic woman. It does involve compromise and TONNES of communication and I know that she is holding a lot back, which then often leads to moodiness and it is definitely not easy because I know she has fluttery romantic feelings for me that I don't have for her. In fact, she felt it very quickly after meeting and in typical fashion for me I was oblivious to it!!! I don't understand this love at first sight idea or quick heart fluttery feelings.

This is the part that I can't handle, where the other person feels more emotionally involved than me. I do not and have never gotten fluttery romantic feelings for anyone and I find it difficult when someone does for me because I feel like a cold person and also find reciprocating the affection. I also don't understand love at first sight or heart fluttery feelings. I too like the idea of maybe living with good friends or just living by myself and having a few really good friends.

 

 

On 7/19/2019 at 7:14 AM, LemonCupcakes said:

The way I understand it, aromanticism means not experiencing romantic attraction towards anyone. So basically, you don’t develop crushes on people, and you don’t feel the desire/need to pursue a romantic relationship with someone? So it doesn’t mean that you don’t want a relationship per se, just more that you don’t have a need for a romantic relationship (please correct me if this is wrong, this is just my understanding of the term). There are many kinds of relationships that can exist between people: familial, platonic, professional/work-related, acquaintances, queer-platonic, and probably many more.

I think people who are more than friends but not committed partners could be interpreted as being queer-platonic? I’ve never been in a QPR so I don’t have any experiences to share, but I think a QPR is just what the people involved decide it to be. (I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be of more help - I’m still kind of new to this whole thing as well. Wish you all the best, though! 💕)

I'd say your explanation sounds what I was thinkinng too. No worries about not being more help and thank you for the best wishes. It helps to have other perspectives as I navigate this so any input besides my own is appreciated. I'd say I'm 100% sure I'm aromantic. I really have no romantic attraction towards anyone, no matter how hard I try.

 

On 7/19/2019 at 2:57 PM, Chihiro said:

I am not sure what you mean by "more than friends". I call people who are more than friends as best friends (I dont have any unfortunately. If I ever find one, I can just happily live forever after). Someone with whom you can be yourself but don't have to deal with typical relationship stuff (relationships are a lot of work). Personally, I feel 'best friend' is the best of both worlds- friendships and relationships. No need to commit. Dont have to think about them all the time. Dont have to adjust my life around them, like moving in with them etc. Based on what little you have said, feels like you are an aromantic who just wants best friends.

Yeah that's probably what I meant. I couldn't think of the word. And I'd have to agree, when you explain it that way, that's what I want. I'd rather have a few best friends than a single partner. I don't want to commit to anyone. I don't want someone I have to think about all the time, adjust my life to. I really have no desire to move in with any partner, now that I'm thinking about it. I mean, yeah, I have a roommate but it's honestly great because we're friends, pretty close friends really but I don't have to think about her all the time, I don't have to worry if I haven't talked to her in a while (we will see each other eventually whenever we do). The hard part is I have been thinking all these years that I wanted that, a partner to live with but when it comes right down to it, I'd rather live with a friend or a close friend.

 

 

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DogObsessedLianne
On 7/20/2019 at 4:50 AM, Chihiro said:

 

 

If you generalize like that then literally everything you do in the world requires effort.

I wasn't generalising at all, just saying that all relationships a have a certain amount of effort involved, usually communion. But even family you have to make the effort with, for example to see my elderly relatives for example. 

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DogObsessedLianne
On 7/20/2019 at 5:12 AM, Marcin said:

Ah, thanks, make sense. This is definitely good kind of 'work', more like growing as a person. So, hmm, I'd say this is actually one big advantage of relationship, at least for me. But I'm huge weirdo 😺

I would actually agree with this. I live with my parents and would rather always live with someone if I have a choice (obviously sometimes people don't have a choice), but I know I'm challenged to grow each day living with others. And the effort pays off as I do notice when they are away in terms of how many people I socialise with. 

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