The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

[Anthracite_Impreza]

@melisestel Is that your dog? They're so cute ❤️ 

[will123]

5 minutes ago, melisestel said:

I have been feeling the same way in the past year since realizing I'm aroace and discovering the community - particularly with music (I've made a 'no romo' playlist on spotify lol). My friends don't get it. They feel like if I don't want it, it shouldn't bother me to watch/hear about other people having romantic/sexual love. Like they assume it bothers me because I'm jealous.

 

But that's not it. I still enjoy a good romance once in a while. The thing I now find getting on my nerves is the way the media we consume slams us over the head with the unwavering fact that everybody needs that one special romantic partner to complete them. And it makes me angry that I bought into that for so many years and tried to be someone I wasn't and want things I didn't. And it makes me angry for all the other people like me, listening to these songs and watching these movies that tell them they haven't achieved happiness if they're single.

 

I still love a good romance when it's based on a real connection. I still think romance is great for people who want that. And I can relate to the platonic level of connection between the characters even if I can't relate to the romantic or sexual level.

 

But I am so sick of society telling us it is impossible to be truly happy with a single life. When that is exactly the way I feel most happy.

I've noticed advertising has become extreme for the 'social engineering' aspect of life. Everything is perfect or the scenes depicted are implausible to say the least. 

 

On the second bold, yes I'm 57 and have been 'solo' for my adult life and wouldn't change anything.

[little fish]

Agreed, romantic media is very much curated for an ideal life: they're selling you a product, they want you to feel like the character you're watching. You're buying into the idea that life is perfect WHEN you have a partner. But ideal relationship hardly ever exist, and the reality is much more grim. Now looking back I can see how that idea is engrained in animated movies- the prince is the prize, and it's shown in such a positive light that everyone watching will want a relationship just like that. Of course I wanted it because it was the prize at the end of the movie! But in reality? Never.

[will123]

6 hours ago, little fish said:

Agreed, romantic media is very much curated for an ideal life: they're selling you a product, they want you to feel like the character you're watching. You're buying into the idea that life is perfect WHEN you have a partner. But ideal relationship hardly ever exist, and the reality is much more grim. Now looking back I can see how that idea is engrained in animated movies- the prince is the prize, and it's shown in such a positive light that everyone watching will want a relationship just like that. Of course I wanted it because it was the prize at the end of the movie! But in reality? Never.

Marketing has gotten worse in my opinion. The TV ads nowadays are just as 'perfect' if not worse than the ones from the 50s shilling soap or appliances.

[melisestel]

12 hours ago, Anthraxite_Vampreza said:

@melisestel Is that your dog? They're so cute ❤️ 

Thanks!

Yes, her name is Valencia. She's 5 years old and adopting her is the best thing I ever did 😁

She's a rescue so I don't know what kind of dog she is, but likely some sort if Border Collie/Lab/? mix

My roommate adopted a kitten named Mingo last December and the two of them are adorable.

They have their own instagram if you're interested lol: instagram.com/valencia_mingo

[Éadweard]

I get irritated how people think only ugly people can stay single and not date. 

[413horses]

Is it chill if I spill the story of my relationships/aromanticism here?

So I've had 2 boyfriends and a sorta QPP ish thing.

With my first boyfriend, nothing much really happened, and I was finding myself unhappy with the relationship. I assumed it was because things were happening like really slow, so I ended that. (We're still really good friends, hes chill)

The second guy, I wasn't happy in my relationship with him either, but things were happening faster, so my logical conclusion was "Wow it must be too fast, and that's why I'm not happy." So I ended that one too. (Were not friends, I don't like him)

Then I realised I was ace and probably aro-spec, and I'm like huh, I wonder if that plays into it.

So with the third guy it was never an actual relationship, just sorta some romancey things happening, but I really didn't like that either. So I decided hey, it's not the speed of it I don't like, it's the romance.

It's worth noting that the only reason I went out with any of these guys is because they liked me, and i didn't hate them, so I thought I might as well.

Just wanted to be able to share that with some people who might be able to understand a bit better than my irl friends.

 

[HFW]

I'd like to share my experience too. I've known I was asexual for a while, but only recently have I figured out I'm Aromantic.

I figured out I was asexual after realizing romantic gestures made me nervous. Dating, kissing on the cheek, arm around my shoulders, it all made me want to run. And since I disliked physical intimacy, I realized I was asexual. 

However, I still liked the idea of romance. There was a boy I dated for about 3 years. I knew he liked me, so I asked him out. Looking back, I'm not really sure why I asked him out. I think I felt obligated to? I dunno. All I know is that dating felt like being friends but with the boyfriend-girlfriend label slapped on. I kept waiting for some magic spark that told me "oh, this is what a crush is like. Okay." But it was just like having a best friend. We broke up briefly, but then we tried to make a long distance relationship work. I enjoyed his company, but also I could go days or weeks without talking to him and I'd be fine. I felt bad about it, but it was true. I thought I was in love with him. He told me once that he wanted to marry me, and I was happy. I was content with being with him forever.

But then, a few weeks ago, we broke up. It was a shock at first, but I wasn't devastated. In fact, after a day or so I felt... happy. It felt a bit alarming since, as I said, I was content with being with him forever.  But the only reason I felt content was that I felt I was checking off some life requirement. "College? Check. Career? Check. Marriage and family? Check." I still care about him deeply, but I'm unsure if I ever felt romantic love for him. So I realized I was Aromantic.

Now, I know romanticism and sexuality are a spectrum, instead of boxes. I don't ever want to close myself into a label because things change. However, for now, I'm content with the label of Aromantic Asexual. 

 

23 hours ago, 413horses said:

 It's worth noting that the only reason I went out with any of these guys is because they liked me, and i didn't hate them, so I thought I might as well.

Just wanted to be able to share that with some people who might be able to understand a bit better than my irl friends.

  

3

I totally get you. For me, differentiating between platonic and romantic love is impossible. 

 

If anyone wants to chat, don't be afraid to PM me. I'm admittedly a little freaked about being Aromantic. The whole "you'll grow old alone and sad" thing is pretty terrifying. I really just want someone to share my experiences and fears with. Thanks for listening!!

[Madao]

I am still kind of confused about my romantic orientation, though I have a feeling I am aromantic. I love the concept of love, I love romance, but when it comes to me involved with stuff like that? I can't imagine myself like that. 

I have never been in a relationship, neither I had any crushes on my life, except celebrity crushes. I guess two people developed feelings for me in my whole life, and I got scared, which led me to reject them even before they could even get their feelings for me across. I don't like the concept of cuddling with anyone besides my immediate family, nor do I like kissing and stuff. I adore friends though. I am curious though. What exactly is the difference between platonic and romantic attraction? Where do you draw a line? 

[lonelyace]

People seem to be sharing their experiences with realizing they were aromantic here so I guess this is the place to do it? I've never been a part of a forum/online community before so I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I just know that I need to talk to someone who maybe sorta understands what I'm feeling, or I'll explode, so here it goes.

As a kid I never understood the point of crushes. I mean what are you gonna do as an elementary schooler, have your moms drop you off for a play date? But by middle school/early high school I was beginning to understand that it was something that was supposed to be important to me. Unfortunately, around this time I was also bullied pretty heavily by a group of guys telling me that I was ugly, disgusting, and that no one could ever be interested in me. So I built up walls, and told myself that if no one would ever like me, then what was even the point of liking anyone that way.

I wonder sometimes if I somehow damaged myself during those developmental years. Like if I'd allowed myself to feel, then maybe I'd understand the world of romance now. Maybe I'd be able be able to feel it now. But at the same time, I know that it's been years since I was really that closed off, and still I have no idea what people are talking about when they talk about attraction of any kind. If I was going to feel it, surely I would have by now.

I've never dated, never kissed, never had anything even close to a romantic relationship. I don't even know what I would do if I was in one. I think I would like to try. I don't think it's really about wanting romantic gestures, or sex of any kind, it's just about wanting a committed, close relationship. Because lets face it, friends will always leave, or grow distant until we only send Christmas cards once a year. Marriage is the only way I can see to say "hey, I like you above everyone else, and I want to commit to this relationship forever." I guess I've spent my entire life feeling lonely, and the idea of facing the rest of my life with only a few passing friends terrifies me.

My friend, who's entirely heterosexual, has also never dated. She says it just isn't that important to her; she's completely happy sitting at home with her dog. I don't understand how she can be romantically oriented and just not care. I think I'd give anything to just be able to get it. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

@lonelyace Have you considered therapy to explore your feelings? It's likely you are aro given what you've said but if you are unsure therapy might help (provided you don't get an amatonormative therapist).

[Katie15]

I cannot for the life of me figure out what makes a romantic relationship different from a platonic one IF you are asexual and do not want any physical stuff AT ALL. (I think I maybe need to start a topic about asd and social anxiety and aces and aros because it is so interconnected for me and I am really confused. - would anyone relate to that?) 

[little fish]

1 hour ago, Katie15 said:

I cannot for the life of me figure out what makes a romantic relationship different from a platonic one IF you are asexual and do not want any physical stuff AT ALL. (I think I maybe need to start a topic about asd and social anxiety and aces and aros because it is so interconnected for me and I am really confused. - would anyone relate to that?) 

You should start that because that's also the pickle I'm currently in!

[Katie15]

I posted a comment on the autistic and aspie aces part of the intersectionality forum that I found if you want to check it out :-) 

[lonelyace]

@Anthracite_Impreza Thank you for bringing that up. I talked to my therapist and I honestly can't tell if she was amatonormative or not.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

1 hour ago, lonelyace said:

@Anthracite_Impreza Thank you for bringing that up. I talked to my therapist and I honestly can't tell if she was amatonormative or not.

Did she seem to think everyone is happier in romantic relationships? Or that they should be? Is she aware or aromanticism?

[withrainfall]

On 11/5/2018 at 7:21 PM, little fish said:

You should start that because that's also the pickle I'm currently in!

And here I was thinking that alloromantic aces never had this problem! 🙄I always get confused about the inverse problem - how is a romantic relationship functionally different from fwb? I know it is, somehow, but I can’t define that quality. I guess it’s what they call limerence.

[tumut]

hey ya'll!

i've identified as aromantic asexual for about 6 years now, but recently started dating someone, and i'm hella confused. is there anyone here who's found a good description of the difference between platonic and romantic attraction? and do you think you can date someone and still be aromantic, like how some ace people have sex with their partners for various reasons? thanks!

[cake_loving_hobbit]

33 minutes ago, tumut said:

hey ya'll!

i've identified as aromantic asexual for about 6 years now, but recently started dating someone, and i'm hella confused. is there anyone here who's found a good description of the difference between platonic and romantic attraction? and do you think you can date someone and still be aromantic, like how some ace people have sex with their partners for various reasons? thanks!

yeah, this is a big mood for me. I still cant exactly figure out the difference for you between the attractions tho. the thing that helped me figure out what i feel is that well, some things feel romantic and  some dont and its different for everyone. idk if that helps at all but I do know that you can be aromantic and date. I actually technically dated someone two years ago, it only lasted a couple of months at most. The "relationship" of sorts became romantic rather quickly and for me it didnt feel any different than having a bestfriend that you do romantic stuff with. Im honestly still not sure if I liked him or if i liked the idea of him liking me. id never had any sort of relationship before and I think that relationship helped me realise that I hadnt ever felt the need to date or even really a connection with anyone that went beyond a friendship kind of feeling. 

 

tldr: idk how to describe attractions they are weird and different for everyone. yes you can be aromantic and still date,  its about attraction not action                  (its cheesy but it's true)

 

[yuroak]

Aromantic vent time!

There's this guy in my friend group that wrote a 'joke' fanfic starring the friend circle, and guess what the Percy Jackson knockoff story had....

 

Romance. He shipped himself with me. The (literally) little shit made fictional me blush. And yes, he was fully aware of what he'd done- we're seniors for god's sake.

 

God, am I disgusted. I'm mad and disgusted. Even if it was a joke, he's been behaving weird and saying cryptic stuff, and avoided the question when I asked if it was truly a joke or not. Now, I'm so lost on how to handle this cringe fest.

euugghghhhhhhhh

eggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

thanks for readinnnggghhhhh

[knittinghistorian]

On 11/5/2018 at 1:13 AM, Katie15 said:

I cannot for the life of me figure out what makes a romantic relationship different from a platonic one IF you are asexual and do not want any physical stuff AT ALL. (I think I maybe need to start a topic about asd and social anxiety and aces and aros because it is so interconnected for me and I am really confused. - would anyone relate to that?) 

From all I understand, they are in fact different, but I’m like you: I have no idea how!

[Neutral nerd]

18 hours ago, yuroak said:

And yes, he was fully aware of what he'd done- we're seniors for god's sake

thats not ok. can you tell an adult to make them stop?

[yuroak]

3 hours ago, Neutral nerd said:

thats not ok. can you tell an adult to make them stop?

To his credit, it was a fairly short story and he's stopped- or at least I hope so. 

 

Why can't people just be normal and outright tell someone if they have romantic feelings for them, instead of creating unnecessary awkwardness? 😑

[ace of hatts]

One thing I want to say is, I notice that aromantics get a lot of crap from other people, and I have seen how rude and angry without any provocation that some people can be. I want all aromantics to be able to be comfortable being open about who they are and comfortable living that way. I (platonically) love you all!!!!! -ace

 

[PittAce92]

On 12/10/2018 at 12:20 AM, ace of hatts said:

One thing I want to say is, I notice that aromantics get a lot of crap from other people, and I have seen how rude and angry without any provocation that some people can be. I want all aromantics to be able to be comfortable being open about who they are and comfortable living that way. I (platonically) love you all!!!!! -ace

 

I appreciate the support @ace of hatts (as being an aromantic asexual myself)!  

 

And, by the way, welcome to AVEN! 

[Lstorm]

This may be a lil off topic but 

 

being gay (homosexual) vs being homoromantic. Is it still considered gay? 

[Snao Cone]

Just now, LikReese said:

This may be a lil off topic but 

 

being gay (homosexual) vs being homoromantic. Is it still considered gay? 

People who are asexual and homoromantic usually call themselves gay/lesbian because it reflects the gender of partner they're looking for - they may just want to specify that they're not inclined towards sex in a relationship. The same can apply to homosexual aromantic people, but they may want to specify they're not inclined towards romantic relationships. 

 

tl;dr yes, homoromantic people can be considered gay

[Lstorm]

1 hour ago, Snaodolph said:

People who are asexual and homoromantic usually call themselves gay/lesbian because it reflects the gender of partner they're looking for - they may just want to specify that they're not inclined towards sex in a relationship. The same can apply to homosexual aromantic people, but they may want to specify they're not inclined towards romantic relationships. 

 

tl;dr yes, homoromantic people can be considered gay

Yeah that makes sence. My brother asked me completely out of the blue if I was gay (I don’t speak to my brother a lot) so it was very strange.  as always when ppl ask I just told him no. I didn’t think I was lying because I don’t identify as homosexual. In fact I’m biromantic, anyway he didn’t really give me much of chance to explain before changing the topic. Few weeks later here I am wondering if I lied and wondering if I’m in the closet... I would tell anyone who curious to ask. I wear a ring so idk it’s all just very confusing. Lol thanks for a lil clarity

 

tl;dr I’m biromantic so technically I’m not lying thanks for a lil clarity

[Doodler98]

On 12/1/2018 at 5:24 AM, yuroak said:

Aromantic vent time!

There's this guy in my friend group that wrote a 'joke' fanfic starring the friend circle, and guess what the Percy Jackson knockoff story had....

 

Romance. He shipped himself with me. The (literally) little shit made fictional me blush. And yes, he was fully aware of what he'd done- we're seniors for god's sake.

 

God, am I disgusted. I'm mad and disgusted. Even if it was a joke, he's been behaving weird and saying cryptic stuff, and avoided the question when I asked if it was truly a joke or not. Now, I'm so lost on how to handle this cringe fest.

euugghghhhhhhhh

eggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

thanks for readinnnggghhhhh

Oh man, that sounds absolutely terrible! How are things going right now between you and him?

[Muledeer]

On ‎12‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 12:21 PM, LikReese said:

Yeah that makes sence. My brother asked me completely out of the blue if I was gay (I don’t speak to my brother a lot) so it was very strange.  as always when ppl ask I just told him no. I didn’t think I was lying because I don’t identify as homosexual. In fact I’m biromantic, anyway he didn’t really give me much of chance to explain before changing the topic. Few weeks later here I am wondering if I lied and wondering if I’m in the closet... I would tell anyone who curious to ask. I wear a ring so idk it’s all just very confusing. Lol thanks for a lil clarity

 

tl;dr I’m biromantic so technically I’m not lying thanks for a lil clarity

This topic recently came up on another thread.  I'm still processing it.  I don't identify as gay but I am attracted to males more than females but not in a romantic or sexual way.  If I were lucky enough to find a partner, honestly, it wouldn't matter what gander they were as long as we were compatible.  I wouldn't call myself gay because I believe the term "gay" infers a sexual attraction or component of the relationship.  It is a deep subject that will take me some more thought to come to terms with.