The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

[nektarin]

On 11.5.2017 at 2:56 PM, Holsety said:

To me, being aromantic means I'm just not romantically attracted to anyone. I still get feelings where I want to be close to someone, but I don't want to do romancy stuff, y'know? It would be nice to have someone to go through life with, I guess it would be like a close best friend. Idk, I've always had difficulty articulating the feelings I get.

You pretty much describe exactly what I want in life, so I say that's pretty articulate 10/10 can relate. I want someone who's commited to be in a non-romantic relationship with me if that makes sense. 

 

I live with my BFF and if she was aro I would have everything I wanted in life. She's never had a SO of any kind but I know she wants to get married and have kids. It's really bitter-sweet to know that this will end one day   

 

 

[Éadweard]

On 5/25/2017 at 1:30 PM, ZeL said:

What does the aro experience feel like? I want someone who won't fall in love, because I cannot handle such intense emotions; I just want a (or some) best friend(s) to cuddle and maybe more, but not melt into one being. I consider myself solo poly but am still looking into ace and aro specs.

That is nothing like what the aro experience is to me. It's I don't have romantic feelings for other people. And no I don't want to kiss and cuddle other people. I want close friendships and people to be around in my life. I don't want to date, or find a partner, or any of those things associated with being a couple. It's not because I dislike that stuff, it's because it's not something I have any desire to have to make my life full and complete. 

[zel]

19 hours ago, nektarin said:

You pretty much describe exactly what I want in life, so I say that's pretty articulate 10/10 can relate. I want someone who's commited to be in a non-romantic relationship with me if that makes sense. 

 

I live with my BFF and if she was aro I would have everything I wanted in life. She's never had a SO of any kind but I know she wants to get married and have kids. It's really bitter-sweet to know that this will end one day  

Metoo. I have a cuddle buddy atm, but I know she wants something else at some point and we won't be able to spend time together the same way any more. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Just like Jughead said:

That is nothing like what the aro experience is to me.

Thank you for your reply! Sounds like you're aro-ace then?  

[Talespin]

I tend to develop deep platonic relationships with close friends who have earned my trust and sometimes I think it'd be nice to live with said friends as an extended family of sorts, but I've never desired anything more than that. Hugging is fine, I actually love hugs. Cuddling is okay, but I get anxiety from too much touch. Kissing is nope! Unless we're talking about puppy kisses. Puppy kisses are the best.  

[Éadweard]

1 hour ago, ZeL said:

Metoo. I have a cuddle buddy atm, but I know she wants something else at some point and we won't be able to spend time together the same way any more. 

 

 

Thank you for your reply! Sounds like you're aro-ace then?  

That's what people here would call me, yes. 

[WoodwindWhistler]

I forget if I've asked you guys this before, but do any of you have low or nonexistent mental visual imagery? I've been talking with an Aphantasiac group on Facebook, since I am one, and we've had several people there say that because they do not have vivid memories, they also have muted emotions or attachment to other people. I wondered if that was a quantifiable correlation, so I'm here to ask you from the other side. 

[Snao Cone]

4 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

I forget if I've asked you guys this before, but do any of you have low or nonexistent mental visual imagery? I've been talking with an Aphantasiac group on Facebook, since I am one, and we've had several people there say that because they do not have vivid memories, they also have muted emotions or attachment to other people. I wondered if that was a quantifiable correlation, so I'm here to ask you from the other side. 

I have vivid mental imagery, both in imagination and in memory. I can see how those two things would be interrelated in people who are both aphantasic and aromantic, though. It's like how my aromanticism and stubborn independence seem related, when they don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.

[Guest]

19 hours ago, Snao Çoñé said:

I have vivid mental imagery, both in imagination and in memory. I can see how those two things would be interrelated in people who are both aphantasic and aromantic, though. It's like how my aromanticism and stubborn independence seem related, when they don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.

I also have extremely vivid imagination and memories. I highly doubt there is any correlation between  aphantasia and aromanticsm, but like Snao says these things can seem strongly related when they appear in the same person. I have alexithymia and I feel like it is related to my being aromantic, just as my being extremely independant seems to be, but a few people's anecdotal experiences are a long way off from suggesting correlation.

[Divide By Zero]

On 2017-05-27 at 7:34 AM, Just like Jughead said:

That is nothing like what the aro experience is to me. It's I don't have romantic feelings for other people. And no I don't want to kiss and cuddle other people. I want close friendships and people to be around in my life. I don't want to date, or find a partner, or any of those things associated with being a couple. It's not because I dislike that stuff, it's because it's not something I have any desire to have to make my life full and complete. 

 

Ditto

[QuirkyGeek]

Hello people! I am really happy to have found such a cool thread! I'm not 100 percent sure what my romantic orientation is. It's either demipanromantic, quoiromantic, or aromantic. Basically, I just want to one day find a special someone to cuddle with, live with, share stories and adventures with, and maybe even kiss. Does it sound more life I'm looking for a queerplatonic lifelong friend, or a romantic partner? I'm glad I found you guys and I'm ready to take over the world (and maybe even all of time and space)!

[BionicPi]

On 28/05/2017 at 4:12 PM, WoodwindWhistler said:

I forget if I've asked you guys this before, but do any of you have low or nonexistent mental visual imagery? I've been talking with an Aphantasiac group on Facebook, since I am one, and we've had several people there say that because they do not have vivid memories, they also have muted emotions or attachment to other people. I wondered if that was a quantifiable correlation, so I'm here to ask you from the other side. 

 

Woah wait that's named a thing? My memory has only a couple events with images, and I generally don't think/remember sensory experiences, with few exceptions. As for muted emotions, I don't know, what are not muted emotions? I guess I don't need attachment to other people that much. 

 

As for things being related, there are a lot of questions like that. There was a question about ADHD and asexuality, but while I feel like my learning disorders are connected to each other and they all overlap, I don't see them as relating to my queerness. My different queer identities feel connected, but likely because they're all charachterised in the same way (lack of feeling I guess so maybe it's connected to the memory thing) (for reference ace aro and demi/agender).

 

It would be very interesting in something such as the census to see the intersectionality of various communities. It would be very interesting to see if there are any statistically significant correlations!

[WoodwindWhistler]

15 hours ago, BionicPi said:

 

Woah wait that's named a thing? My memory has only a couple events with images, and I generally don't think/remember sensory experiences, with few exceptions. As for muted emotions, I don't know, what are not muted emotions? I guess I don't need attachment to other people that much. 

 

As for things being related, there are a lot of questions like that. There was a question about ADHD and asexuality, but while I feel like my learning disorders are connected to each other and they all overlap, I don't see them as relating to my queerness. My different queer identities feel connected, but likely because they're all charachterised in the same way (lack of feeling I guess so maybe it's connected to the memory thing) (for reference ace aro and demi/agender).

 

It would be very interesting in something such as the census to see the intersectionality of various communities. It would be very interesting to see if there are any statistically significant correlations!

Yep. You're probably on the spectrum. I suggest taking a peek. We have some pretty interesting discussions about cognition in general. 

I've never been officially evaluated, but a doctor with two ADHD has expressed surprise that I have not been given the label. As for emotions, I feel as if I am much less emotionally activated than other people . . . I've looked at alexithymia, and it seems to fit in a lot of ways- not socially attached, sometimes I have trouble figuring out my own emotions. 

So many people define their gender as what they are attracted to (I 'feel like a woman' because I like men, I am lesbian because I am attracted to the same things as myself, etc) that it's not surprising your gender (and many users' here) doesn't feel as acute. 

[Dawg4280]

How important are friendships to y'all? I have found losing friends to be really difficult. I usually want to be really close with my friends, especially if i have a squish. Problem is, typically, I don't really want to make new friends. I rather become closer to the ones I have, but for whatever reason I don't really. I always feel like I'm the one that makes the most effort in my friendships, part of the reason I don't want new ones and part of the reason I have lost friends. However, I have a lot of friends; a good number, I am pretty close to. None are the close friendship I feel like I want, and I fear that we may naturally grow apart. I think I might like something as close as a QPR, but I have no experience. Can anyone relate?

[Nea Rose Symphony]

3 hours ago, Dawg4280 said:

How important are friendships to y'all? I have found losing friends to be really difficult. I usually want to be really close with my friends, especially if i have a squish. Problem is, typically, I don't really want to make new friends. I rather become closer to the ones I have, but for whatever reason I don't really. I always feel like I'm the one that makes the most effort in my friendships, part of the reason I don't want new ones and part of the reason I have lost friends. However, I have a lot of friends; a good number, I am pretty close to. None are the close friendship I feel like I want, and I fear that we may naturally grow apart. I think I might like something as close as a QPR, but I have no experience. Can anyone relate?

I'm that way except in a romantic sense

[Hayden Dun]

Thanks for making this thread OP. 

I'm not sure what I am, still discovering myself. Cuddling, holding hands, and romance with a partner irritate me, and make me less attracted to the person. I'm 22, so is this something that is age related at all, or something that won't change? 

 

Aromantic is a new concept for me - could anyone shed some light on how relationships often work? 

 

Thanks

[Jaysong]

I'm somewhere on the spectrum, not sure where, but I'm thinking either cupio or aro.

[Decaf]

I'm basically aro/ace, as far as I know.
By that, I mean that I've never been in love or had romantic feelings. I've never cried over someone or felt bad because they weren't there.
I don't much like touching people or being touched.
I do enjoy sunsets and music and flowers, but when I think of those things, I'm there alone.
Every relationship I've ever been in was started and ended by the other person and I just went along with it because I thought that's what you were supposed to do.
For years I thought I was just dead inside, or a sociopath, so it's interesting to have a name for this.
It also occurs to me that I'm probably agender, but that's a tricky one for me because I have no interest in using new pronouns or changing my appearance. I'm outwardly male and it suits me to remain that way for the sake of an easy life. Maybe that's a cop out, I don't know. Maybe if I was 18, things would be different, but I'm in my mid-50s and quite settled.

 

[Decaf]

On ‎29‎/‎05‎/‎2017 at 1:55 AM, Snao Çoñé said:

I have vivid mental imagery, both in imagination and in memory. I can see how those two things would be interrelated in people who are both aphantasic and aromantic, though. It's like how my aromanticism and stubborn independence seem related, when they don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.

I'm also aphantasic. I hadn't considered that it might have connections in this area.

[BionicPi]

4 minutes ago, Decaf said:

On 5/28/2017 at 8:55 PM, Snao Çoñé said:

I have vivid mental imagery, both in imagination and in memory. I can see how those two things would be interrelated in people who are both aphantasic and aromantic, though. It's like how my aromanticism and stubborn independence seem related, when they don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.

I'm also aphantasic. I hadn't considered that it might have co

Similarly, I'm aroace, don't esperience sensual nor aesthetic attraction, and am aphantasiac spec. I don't neccisarily feel one caused the other in any case, but potentially the roots are interrelated.

[MrMins]

 

Do you guys find kind of hard to give relationship advices for friend being aromantic?

[Snao Cone]

16 minutes ago, MrMins said:

 

Do you guys find kind of hard to give relationship advices for friend being aromantic?

Not really. I think the aromantic perspective is valuable for its focus on practical matters. I think some people may find it inadequate because it doesn't factor in all of their emotional investment in a relationship, so it's hard for me to give exactly what they want to hear.

 

I can understand why some aromantic people would have a hard time providing advice. It depends on your thinking style. A lot of people can't really offer much if they haven't lived through something similar. For aro people this may include advice about romantic relationships.

[urcute08]

6 hours ago, Snao Çoñé said:

A lot of people can't really offer much if they haven't lived through something similar. For aro people this may include advice about romantic relationships.

That being said quite a few people do offer advice even if they haven't been through something similar! A portion of these people may have known someone (or several people) who went through the same situation and offer advice based on those results, and the rest are just talking because they like the sound of their own voice/opinions. 

 

Personally, I don't like offering advice if I have not experienced it first hand, however on the very odd occasion I will sometimes give advice based on what I've seen from others and will explicitly mention it.

[Snao Cone]

Some people need to live through something to really learn the lesson, and some people learn well through observation. I'm more of the latter, I think. But if people want to get advice from someone similarly experienced I'm fine with that. I'm glad I can use that wisdom for myself, though.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, MrMins said:

 

Do you guys find kind of hard to give relationship advices for friend being aromantic?

It depends on what the issue they are asking for advise on is, but generally I manage ok. Within my friendship group I actually seem to be the person everyone comes to for relationship advise, apparently I provide a 'unique' and 'objective' perspective  Anyway, I just do my best to carefully think about the problem and provide an honest and as-unbiased-as-possible opinion, based upon my own understanding of what is required to maintain ones own mental health and what I believe a healthy relationship should look like, based on my observations of other people's relationships and study of psychology.

[WoodwindWhistler]

5 hours ago, urcute08 said:

That being said quite a few people do offer advice even if they haven't been through something similar! A portion of these people may have known someone (or several people) who went through the same situation and offer advice based on those results, and the rest are just talking because they like the sound of their own voice/opinions. 

 

Personally, I don't like offering advice if I have not experienced it first hand, however on the very odd occasion I will sometimes give advice based on what I've seen from others and will explicitly mention it.

If I were more inclined, I would do a better job of memorizing stuff that I read from psychologists who are actually involved in relationship counseling. Of course, I am of the opinion that everyone at *some* point in their life should individually go to a counselor- the world would be much better for it- but I recognize the stigma and the cost are too much for most people. So it'd be good if I could at least pass it along that way. 

 

 

On 6/21/2017 at 8:50 AM, Decaf said:

I do enjoy sunsets and music and flowers, but when I think of those things, I'm there alone.

For years I thought I was just dead inside, or a sociopath, so it's interesting to have a name for this.
It also occurs to me that I'm probably agender, but that's a tricky one for me because I have no interest in using new pronouns or changing my appearance. I'm outwardly male and it suits me to remain that way for the sake of an easy life. Maybe that's a cop out, I don't know. Maybe if I was 18, things would be different, but I'm in my mid-50s and quite settled.

 

I think that half the "romanticism" of sunsets and flowers is just that those things are emotionally evocative on their own, and then that gets associated with the other person. Haha, maybe the true test of a relationship would be to NOT involve any of those things, and then see if the bond sustains itself without the compounding. Or crutch. 

I believed I might be a benign sociopath for a while, but then I took up meditation and found out that is definitely not the case. 

"Gender identity" does not have the match "gender presentation." Only really strict LGBT people would claim that it needs to match, because of social dysphoria. But if you don't have that, then it's fine. Sometimes they tend to be unfriendly to non-binary people and even people who aren't "gay enough" or "trans enough." And the biphobia. Won't even get into that. 

Plenty of people on here ID as indifferent to gender presentation, or "demiguy" or "demigirl" in that they mostly ID as their given gender, but pretty much just because it's given. You are in good company. 

 

[QuirkyGeek]

16 minutes ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

Plenty of people on here ID as indifferent to gender presentation, or "demiguy" or "demigirl" in that they mostly ID as their given gender, but pretty much just because it's given. You are in good company. 

So is this what it is to be demigirl or demiguy? You've just described what I feel with my own gender. I've always been fine with my birth gender, but have often thought it would be nice to be a guy or just, not a girl maybe. Does this sound like being a demigender?

[WoodwindWhistler]

49 minutes ago, QuirkyGeek said:

So is this what it is to be demigirl or demiguy? You've just described what I feel with my own gender. I've always been fine with my birth gender, but have often thought it would be nice to be a guy or just, not a girl maybe. Does this sound like being a demigender?

I would suggest Googling it too, because obviously I'm not an authority, but yeah, that sounds right. If you conceptualize it as being nonbinary, or genderfluid, or even trans but without either type of dysphoria, that's all up to you. I typically identify as agender, but that sometimes involves gender fluidity. 

[Decaf]

On ‎26‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 5:17 PM, WoodwindWhistler said:

If I were more inclined, I would do a better job of memorizing stuff that I read from psychologists who are actually involved in relationship counseling. Of course, I am of the opinion that everyone at *some* point in their life should individually go to a counselor- the world would be much better for it- but I recognize the stigma and the cost are too much for most people. So it'd be good if I could at least pass it along that way. 

 

 

I think that half the "romanticism" of sunsets and flowers is just that those things are emotionally evocative on their own, and then that gets associated with the other person. Haha, maybe the true test of a relationship would be to NOT involve any of those things, and then see if the bond sustains itself without the compounding. Or crutch. 

I believed I might be a benign sociopath for a while, but then I took up meditation and found out that is definitely not the case. 

"Gender identity" does not have the match "gender presentation." Only really strict LGBT people would claim that it needs to match, because of social dysphoria. But if you don't have that, then it's fine. Sometimes they tend to be unfriendly to non-binary people and even people who aren't "gay enough" or "trans enough." And the biphobia. Won't even get into that. 

Plenty of people on here ID as indifferent to gender presentation, or "demiguy" or "demigirl" in that they mostly ID as their given gender, but pretty much just because it's given. You are in good company. 

 

I think I follow what you are saying, WW, although I'd say that almost everyone I've ever seen online talking about being gender neutral or agender or genderqueer etc has associated that with a style of dress and personal presentation. I do get that in theory this doesn't need to be the case though.
How did meditating lead you to understand that you aren't sociopathic? I've been meditating for 40 years and all it ever does for me is make me sleepy. I like being sleepy lol...so I continue to meditate.

[Itsthesameasinitunes]

Hmm

im not sure if I'm aro or not.. I've just kind of fallen out of love with most of my crushes, I even convinced myself I had a crush on this boy and then we held hands once and I was disgusted. I also don't really have an inclination to date or have kids or get married so idk dude.  I actually thought I was bisexual or a lesbian or something for a bit but I turned out to be ace. I relate a lot with the aromantic pins on Pinterest tho 

[WoodwindWhistler]

On 6/27/2017 at 5:17 PM, Decaf said:

I think I follow what you are saying, WW, although I'd say that almost everyone I've ever seen online talking about being gender neutral or agender or genderqueer etc has associated that with a style of dress and personal presentation. I do get that in theory this doesn't need to be the case though.
How did meditating lead you to understand that you aren't sociopathic? I've been meditating for 40 years and all it ever does for me is make me sleepy. I like being sleepy lol...so I continue to meditate.

I found out my emotions are there, I just have to dig to get to them.  What kind of meditation are you doing? You don't have any goals for it? 

Edit: My experience was marginally similar to this (minus the magnetic stimulation, of course) http://jerobison.blogspot.com/p/use-of-tms-transcranial-magnetic.html