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The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)


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hi! new here so this might not be the right thread for this, but I'm struggling to figure out whether I'm aro. I'm in college and I've never had a crush, but *in theory*, the idea of dating someone - holding hands, maybe kissing, cuddling, etc - sounds nice (pretty sure I'm ace so probably not much beyond that). could that just be me internalizing societal pressure to be in a relationship, or does the fact that I do at some point want to have a relationship like that mean I'm not aro? even if I haven't yet met someone I want to have that sort of relationship with?

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On 8/9/2020 at 10:30 PM, Weresnao of Conedon said:

If you're romance positive, you can try having a relationship and see if it opens you up to romantic feelings. In any case, you don't need to force yourself into that. It might take a while to find the right person (whether that's because you're demiromantic or you have the freedom to be picky if none of your emotional needs are lacking) but you can remain open to the idea for reasons of self-exploration. Just make sure you communicate that to the person.

 

We are constantly exploring parts of ourselves through new experiences. You don't need to know for sure at 17 years of age if you want a romantic relationship in your life. It's not a defect in any case. Feelings are very complex and it's fine to be confused or unsure until you come across enough evidence in your life experience. 

Hi! took me long to visit here again. I kind of forgot to hahahaha. I’ve been thinking about it and maybe you’re right since I’m still not interested in being in a relationship so yeah, I’m still here chilling. Thank you! I really appreciate it. :))

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MacaroniMayday
On 10/4/2020 at 10:54 AM, HP1 said:

It is so good to find that other people feel the same or have similar ideas and worries! I haven’t told many people that I’m asexual / aromantic but it has been a bit like hitting my head off a brick wall repeatedly. Don’t feel it’s getting me anywhere, they just don’t get it and keep telling me not to give up and that I just haven’t met the right person.  I know people have varying sex drives / some people are less into romance than others but I just find it hard to believe that I will find someone who wants a relationship on similar terms to me ( unless they are also asexual etc.) Would love to be proved wrong though! 

Yes, thiiiiiis!!! Once I figured out I was aro, I was absolutely elated because something finally fit and felt comfortable or whatever -  anyway cue me getting really excited and telling everyone I care about only to feel exactly like I'm hitting my head on a wall. They're all very sweet and trying to understand but repeatedly having myself explained to me by other people (because I clearly just don't understand and don't mean what I'm saying) just gets really frustrating. I've started coming up with slightly random metaphors hoping to make it easier to put in words :D since the word love has apperently fully been eaten by romantic love ;)  but the thought of having to explain/defend myself in every new friendship for the rest of my life feels kinds exhausting.. and it's just not that strange a concept.

That being said, some people have been lovely too :)

Okay rant over - your post just completely spoke to my soul :D

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17 hours ago, holly928 said:

hi! new here so this might not be the right thread for this, but I'm struggling to figure out whether I'm aro. I'm in college and I've never had a crush, but *in theory*, the idea of dating someone - holding hands, maybe kissing, cuddling, etc - sounds nice (pretty sure I'm ace so probably not much beyond that). could that just be me internalizing societal pressure to be in a relationship, or does the fact that I do at some point want to have a relationship like that mean I'm not aro? even if I haven't yet met someone I want to have that sort of relationship with?

That can be a tough one because you're right; that type of relationship is idealized in society at large, so it can be tough to know if your expectations reflect your own desires or just what you think the "goal" should be. The way I see it is, similar to sexuality, if there has been a pattern of desire in your life or a general wish to engage with someone in that manner, then that's romantic. If you're not sure, it might just be something you would need to try to know and that's totally ok! What helped me when I first found this site is honestly just talking to a lot of different folks here and making friends with different identities/ different desires and experiences. It helped put my own into perspective and brought be to that moment of relief when I realized, "you know what, I may have been taught all my life that finding romantic love is one of life's major goals, but there's nothing stopping me from just opting out all together." And that felt like a weight lifted off me. That and sharing experiences with other aros on this site was what made things fall into place for me; but remember there's no time limit and there's nothing wrong with just not knowing. I had several sexual and romantic relationships in my life before I had ever heard of asexuality or aromanticism.

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TrustTheCloak

I have a question kinda thing? 

Bear with me, it's going to be a lot of word vomit as I attempt to get all my thoughts down.

I've been wondering a lot more if I'm aromantic, but I don't know it my thoughts are just my ace experience or maybe aro too. I've never been able to picture myself in a romantic relationship with a romantic partner. Probably because I don't really understand what it is, what you feel that is romantic. It just... doesn't compute. Two blank faces kissing isn't me and someone else, it's what I think that kind of relationship would be like. I don't want to be forever "alone" in life, but I don't think I ever want to date someone. I think I'm slowly realizing that what I think of a partner is just a strong friendship for everybody else? Reading books together, long conversations, understanding each other and... I don't know. I just can't see anything. I have a feeling that it is just a really close, platonic roommates kind of thing, and not romance. I understand the textbook definition of romantic attraction, but I don't know what it is. I don't think I've ever felt that way about anybody. It's confusing. Finally, on to the question. Does this sound aromantic? What is a romantic relationship to you? 

 

In conclusion, I don't want a romantic partner, but rather a partner in crime? I think?

Sorry for this waayyy too long paragraph though!

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@TrustTheCloak I know, it's hard to describe how you feel.

 

Quote

I don't want a romantic partner, but rather a partner in crime? I think?

I just knew in my early 20s that I had no interest in having a 'girlfriend' but I didn't mind having a friend that was a girl.

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marinatedoctopus

Honestly I'm just realizing now that I'm probably aro, All the crushes I've had were either forced or they were squishes that I had mistaken as crushes. I never really needed a romantic relationship but I do need a close friendship to be happy (gender doesn't matter). However, I am kinda worried for the future. I'm scared of feeling lost and lonely when my other friends are married with kids. I don't wanna date anyone, but I don't wanna be alone either. I seriously cannot imagine myself with a romantic partner since kissing and cuddling isn't really something I like. I just want someone to hang out with and joke around with. Can anyone else relate?

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rainbowocollie
19 hours ago, marinatedoctopus said:

Honestly I'm just realizing now that I'm probably aro, All the crushes I've had were either forced or they were squishes that I had mistaken as crushes. I never really needed a romantic relationship but I do need a close friendship to be happy (gender doesn't matter). However, I am kinda worried for the future. I'm scared of feeling lost and lonely when my other friends are married with kids. I don't wanna date anyone, but I don't wanna be alone either. I seriously cannot imagine myself with a romantic partner since kissing and cuddling isn't really something I like. I just want someone to hang out with and joke around with. Can anyone else relate?

Yep. I don't want to live alone, at least. Which is why I'm planning to have a roommate when I move out. And a queer platonic relationship sounds nice, to be honest.

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Cereal Tendencies

Anyone else deal with FOMO and fear of being forever alone? 

I'm 27 and have never been in a relationship, all of my friends are already married/having kids and I'm just "stuck"

Idk I just feel this sudden pressure to start a relationship regardless of attraction

What do I do? 

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2 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

Anyone else deal with FOMO and fear of being forever alone? 

I'm 27 and have never been in a relationship, all of my friends are already married/having kids and I'm just "stuck"

Idk I just feel this sudden pressure to start a relationship regardless of attraction

What do I do? 

Not really fomo but I do waver back and forth on whether or not the life I envision for myself is sustainable especially as I get older. Sometimes I feel it would be great to have someone to count on and share the daily nitty gritty... Making dinner, caring for the dog, etc. For instance one of the options I've been considering is buying some land and building a house on it. That type of thing would be so much less daunting as a pair rather than as an individual. But then when I really picture having such a relationship o just can't. I honestly don't know how I would characterize a relationship that I'd actually be comfortable with, if that even exists. 

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DarkStormyKnight

Yeah this pandemic has got me weirdly wanting to date people just to get cuddles and talk to someone on a more regular basis. But then I contemplate actually dating someone and just UGH.

It sucks hardcore, but we'll all get through this!

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On 11/1/2020 at 8:57 PM, Cereal Tendencies said:

Anyone else deal with FOMO and fear of being forever alone? 

I'm 27 and have never been in a relationship, all of my friends are already married/having kids and I'm just "stuck"

Idk I just feel this sudden pressure to start a relationship regardless of attraction

What do I do? 

For me it's also not really fomo (i'm only 22 tho) but yes, there is some fear that i'll end up without a support system in my later years. That if i plan a bigger thing i won't be able to accomplish it or that if something happens i can't rely on anyone. But I don't think it's really a fear of missing out, since i've never really wanted to marry and kids would be optional and for me personally don't have to be biological.
Anyways i also would not "just start" a relationship regardless of attraction. that sounds like a bad idea and a recepie for hurt... If you don't have a relationship to focus on, maybe try joining an orginization or a hobby or smth to commit to. Or like, your job or a volunteering thing or smth. It wouldn't be fair to go into a relationship with someone because you want to go "further" in life, except, i guess if they see it as a means to an end too. But honestly, a lot of people who are looking for relationships are looking for romantic love and not a partner per se. And even if that were the case, living and commiting together seems very hard for a lot of people.

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On 11/1/2020 at 2:57 PM, Cereal Tendencies said:

Anyone else deal with FOMO and fear of being forever alone? 

I'm 27 and have never been in a relationship, all of my friends are already married/having kids and I'm just "stuck"

Idk I just feel this sudden pressure to start a relationship regardless of attraction

What do I do? 

This is kinda of what I'm going through now. I think I really am aro/ace, but there is always this voice in the back of my mind that tells me I'm just giving up to soon (I'm 25). I've only felt some thing resembling a crush twice in my life, but honestly they were probably squishes or just desperation to not be alone. I feel a pressure to be in a relationship, but the idea of dating apps is exhausting. I don't think I've ever felt romantic feelings, but I also don't have a lot of experience trying (I've had 2 "relationships" before but they never went past handholding).  To me, the idea of a romantic relationship sounds nice, so I have a fear of missing out on an experience that is so integrated into our society as the "goal", but at the same time I don't really want to pursue a relationship right now. Idk, I'm still figuring it out. My current mentality is "if it happens, it happens" but I don't actively pursue anything. 

(I think there is also a part of me that doesn't think that anyone could even have romantic feelings for me, so I don't want to bother trying. But that might be because I've never had romantic feelings for anyone else either so I don't understand how it works.)

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On 10/12/2020 at 7:29 AM, will123 said:

Thankfully I never had any parental questioning about my lack of relationships. I did have female friends over the years.

 

I had a couple try to set me up with girls they knew with so so results.

Now that I think about it, I haven't had too many inquiries regarding my lack of relationships either. I mean, the only person whose ever seen me with someone was when my cousin tried to set me up with one of her friends, and that was 14 years ago. Maybe they just don't care, lol. I'm good with that.

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Just now, Osiyo_Waya said:

Now that I think about it, I haven't had too many inquiries regarding my lack of relationships either. I mean, the only person whose ever seen me with someone was when my cousin tried to set me up with one of her friends, and that was 14 years ago. Maybe they just don't care, lol. I'm good with that.

I think they were just trying to be helpful. Nothing was made of things afterwards.

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lilsciencenerd
On 10/21/2020 at 12:24 AM, TrustTheCloak said:

In conclusion, I don't want a romantic partner, but rather a partner in crime? I think?

OH yes this is it, this describes what I want: all of the fun banter, none of the romance. That's also why I wanted a relationship for so long, because people said things like "marry your best friend" so I thought wow, I want to become such good best friends with someone that I want to marry them. I thought romance was just loving someone as a friend, but times 10. 

 

I'm grateful to have several really, really good friends, but one of them is married, and two more are shortly to be married. I know their relationships with their husbands and wives doesn't change my relationships with them, but it is bittersweet to know that they've found their Ultimate Best Friend and I haven't. I'm happy for them, but their priorities and loyalties are naturally with their spouses. It isn't so much that I need to get married/have a partner to fit in (but some days I want that more than others) as that I want someone I can live life in close proximity to. If I had another friend who also didn't mind staying single, we could be single together, haha. Sometimes you just need another person around, not for sex, not for romance, but because you want to take a road trip or check out a new restaurant or watch a movie and you don't want to do it alone. 

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3 minutes ago, lilsciencenerd said:

OH yes this is it, this describes what I want: all of the fun banter, none of the romance. That's also why I wanted a relationship for so long, because people said things like "marry your best friend" so I thought wow, I want to become such good best friends with someone that I want to marry them. I thought romance was just loving someone as a friend, but times 10. 

 

I'm grateful to have several really, really good friends, but one of them is married, and two more are shortly to be married. I know their relationships with their husbands and wives doesn't change my relationships with them, but it is bittersweet to know that they've found their Ultimate Best Friend and I haven't. I'm happy for them, but their priorities and loyalties are naturally with their spouses. It isn't so much that I need to get married/have a partner to fit in (but some days I want that more than others) as that I want someone I can live life in close proximity to. If I had another friend who also didn't mind staying single, we could be single together, haha. Sometimes you just need another person around, not for sex, not for romance, but because you want to take a road trip or check out a new restaurant or watch a movie and you don't want to do it alone. 

That more or less is what I'd be happy with too!

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30 minutes ago, lilsciencenerd said:

If I had another friend who also didn't mind staying single, we could be single together, haha. Sometimes you just need another person around, not for sex, not for romance, but because you want to take a road trip or check out a new restaurant or watch a movie and you don't want to do it alone. 

I kinda like the sound of this.

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I've found that with asexual and (especially) aromantic people, there's always this focus on "friends are just as good, platonic love is great" (which is true, don't get me wrong) but with me I just...don't know if I even feel platonic love? Like I do have friends that in theory I should be really close with and we all say "I love you" to each other, but I only say it cuz the others do, and it actually feels fake and uncomfortable for me to say it. For me I wouldn't say that I've ever loved any of my friends; mostly I know that I consider someone a friend when I feel comfortable around them and not socially on edge.

 

Could it simply be that this is the way I experience "love"? It's not a strong emotion for me if that's the case (which I feel guilty about, because I know my friends are great, so why don't I have more feelings towards them?). Idk, it just makes me sad sometimes to hear everyone else talking about the idea of surrounding themselves with friends they deeply love and I just can't imagine that for myself. It has made me wonder if there is something else different with me besides also being aro and ace, but idk what.

 

I guess I was just wondering if anyone else feels this way? I honestly have always imagined myself living alone eventually and just being an active member of my community, and I do like the idea of that, but part of me is worried I'll miss out. Idk.

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10 hours ago, spooky_moss said:

Idk, it just makes me sad sometimes to hear everyone else talking about the idea of surrounding themselves with friends they deeply love and I just can't imagine that for myself. It has made me wonder if there is something else different with me besides also being aro and ace, but idk what.

I don't think there is anything wrong or different about that. I think we all just place different levels of importance on social interaction which is true for sexual and asecual people of any romantic orientation. Personally I can't imagine "surrounding" myself with friends that I love because to be perfectly honest I can't imagine liking that many people that much to surround myself with them. XD And that's ok with me because I've never been one to go out and meet all the people and make friends with as many as possible. I do have two friends that I do love and consider family, but that is rare for me and I consider myself extremely lucky. We don't say I love you to one another though (and come to think of it my family also doesn't say that much either.) I just know I love them and they love me because of the comfort and appreciation we have with each other, the feeling of being understood even if something is hard to put into words, and our actions towards one another. So I wouldn't say it is a strong emotion for me either or an emotion at all; it's more just... A knowledge I guess? 

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On 11/1/2020 at 7:23 PM, StrangeDruid said:

I've started to feel this way as well. Not sure if you've heard of this term, but you might want to look into 'queer platonic relationships'. They don't need to be romantic or sexual.

I've always struggled with the line here. Like if you're in a committed relationship, what makes it romantic or non romantic? Obviously romance can't just be flowers and jewelry? I dunno... To me I think being in a qpr would be indistinguishable from being in a romantic asexual relationship, so I hesitate to characterize that as something I'd want. 

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7 hours ago, SaturnOOO said:

I've always struggled with the line here. Like if you're in a committed relationship, what makes it romantic or non romantic? Obviously romance can't just be flowers and jewelry? I dunno... To me I think being in a qpr would be indistinguishable from being in a romantic asexual relationship, so I hesitate to characterize that as something I'd want. 

The boundaries between different types of emotional bonds are fuzzy, and there's no rule saying you have to categorize everything in your life.

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19 hours ago, spooky_moss said:

I've found that with asexual and (especially) aromantic people, there's always this focus on "friends are just as good, platonic love is great" (which is true, don't get me wrong) but with me I just...don't know if I even feel platonic love? Like I do have friends that in theory I should be really close with and we all say "I love you" to each other, but I only say it cuz the others do, and it actually feels fake and uncomfortable for me to say it.

Same. I genuinely do care for my friends, but saying 'I love you' feels off somehow. It's not said too often, but I think for me, it's just the accepted way of saying we care about one another, and I haven't given it much thought beyond that. I've also always felt that saying it too often diminishes its value. 

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1 hour ago, Karst said:

The boundaries between different types of emotional bonds are fuzzy, and there's no rule saying you have to categorize everything in your life.

Oh I agree and have no problem with that. I just have heard a lot of people on aven use the qpr terminology and have trouble imagining what that is and honestly even if it would be something that interest me at all. It's an interesting concept for sure, but in practice I just don't know that it would be any different (for me... I'm sure others make it work for them) from a romantic relationship as an asexual person (which I know I am not interested in.) Again this is just me trying to imagine it fitting into my life and why I generally conclude it probably wouldn't. If it works for other aces that's awesome. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 8/29/2020 at 2:48 AM, Snufkin_Weirdo said:

I really relate to this. I really confused myself. I have been in romantic relationships before but I have been treated bad and been through SA. Im thinking about being in soft romantic relationship but Im also very ok with being by myself too. I dont know which gender I am attracted to, I might get interested when I feel a close bound but very rarely(?), I dont know. I have had hard time seing myself as aromantic, Im might end up with it because of traumas.

Please send me a message or to my instagram: @thunderkatla_

I can relate to a lot of this. The first "relationship" i had after getting out of the bad one was just. It was wonderful, and im upset I didn't know that a "real" relationship is something neither of us wanted. people kept asking and prodding about it and like.

 

We were doing what we knew was good for us, but the pressure from everyone else made it feel like we had to go through the motions. Relationship ended not soon after. 

 

It was originally about just. Being near each other, having someone I trust to just. Be there for me. And he was the only person that physical contact didn't make me anxious. And we both knew there were not expectations, no reason to fear the potential sexual implications, safe. 

 

But as soon as we did more, things fell apart. And it took me like 4 years to realize that relationship was almost exactly what I wanted. Someone I trust to not go in with the expectation that at some point I'll change my mind, and they keep that idea of who I am over who I actually am. If that makes sense. 

 

TLDR I forgot to make my point, which is- i also have some confusion going on w/ all the moving parts of who I am post SA for years now, trying to figure out whats been influenced and how, while also trying to understand what I want. Several breakups later, but whatever. The hardest part imo is just finding someone like that again. 

So uh, yeah. Cheers

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On 10/16/2020 at 3:45 PM, holly928 said:

hi! new here so this might not be the right thread for this, but I'm struggling to figure out whether I'm aro. I'm in college and I've never had a crush, but *in theory*, the idea of dating someone - holding hands, maybe kissing, cuddling, etc - sounds nice (pretty sure I'm ace so probably not much beyond that). could that just be me internalizing societal pressure to be in a relationship, or does the fact that I do at some point want to have a relationship like that mean I'm not aro? even if I haven't yet met someone I want to have that sort of relationship with?

I’m kind of new to this too, but I feel pretty similarly. You might just not have found someone you are attracted to or have a low level of romantic attraction. Or you could be aro! I feel like sometimes you can’t tell unless you actually date someone. But that’s just my (limited) experience. Good luck figuring things out!

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Hi guys. 
I am still questioning but here we go with my story. I am very confused over crushes and how they work. I want to get one and i think i might had one but i am confused. Here the other day i sat with a couple of friends. One of them had their boyfriend and the others thought they were very sweet together because they were kissing and tickling each other. To me they just seemed like good friends (except the kissing part). I dont understand what they could possibly feel to make them want to do that? And how the thing they did was considered nice because i thought it looked quite uncomfortable. 

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17 hours ago, Hare77 said:

Hi guys. 
I am still questioning but here we go with my story. I am very confused over crushes and how they work. I want to get one and i think i might had one but i am confused. Here the other day i sat with a couple of friends. One of them had their boyfriend and the others thought they were very sweet together because they were kissing and tickling each other. To me they just seemed like good friends (except the kissing part). I dont understand what they could possibly feel to make them want to do that? And how the thing they did was considered nice because i thought it looked quite uncomfortable. 

i feel you. For a while, I considered by squishes crushes, and when I found out that's not what they were, I was incredibly confused. To me, this post does sound pretty aro, but I would encourage you to do more research on your own and read up about other's experiences. Arocalypse has lots of different aro experiences, so I would recommend looking there if you're interested.

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19 hours ago, Hare77 said:

Hi guys. 
I am still questioning but here we go with my story. I am very confused over crushes and how they work. I want to get one and i think i might had one but i am confused. Here the other day i sat with a couple of friends. One of them had their boyfriend and the others thought they were very sweet together because they were kissing and tickling each other. To me they just seemed like good friends (except the kissing part). I dont understand what they could possibly feel to make them want to do that? And how the thing they did was considered nice because i thought it looked quite uncomfortable. 

Personally, I also feel fairly uncomfortable with that. I consider myself pretty touchy-feely but even imagining kissing/cuddling like that makes me want to get up and run. As for how crushes work, the internet has answers for once. If you look up "what does a crush feel like" you will get a lot of results. There are also a lot of threads here on AVEN about that.

 

2 hours ago, senACEay_11 said:

i feel you. For a while, I considered by squishes crushes, and when I found out that's not what they were, I was incredibly confused. To me, this post does sound pretty aro, but I would encourage you to do more research on your own and read up about other's experiences. Arocalypse has lots of different aro experiences, so I would recommend looking there if you're interested.

I was so surprised when I found out what a crush actually felt like that I couldn't stop laughing. It was so bizarre, and very obvious that I had never felt that.

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