The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

[Divide By Zero]

16 hours ago, LizLianne said:

I wanted to gauge aro people's thoughts on here. I organise a local A-spec social group for both aros and aces. Some members are both aro and ace, others or one but not the other, and overall I refuse to gatekeep and accept anyone who will "benefit from an A-spec social group whatever related queer orientation they are". At the moment the name is Liverpool and Wirral Asexuality Social Group, and I mention aromantic in the description. I want the name to be searchable by anyone local who could benefit from the group, which is why the name is so important. I have thought about adding aromantic into the name but then wonder if it then suggests that it's for those who are aromantic AND asexual, which is not the case. I haven't been able to think up a solution so I thought I'd post on here to see if anyone else has any better ideas. I have to bear in mind what people will search for, so I would call it Liverpool and Wirral A-Spec social group but that doesn't help anyone searching (and potentially could be mixed up with autism spectrum). I already say Liverpool and Wirral instead of Merseyside due to searchability, but I am aware that aromantic isn't mentioned in the name. If anyone has any helpful suggestions I'll be very grateful! Thanks. Liverpool and Wirral Asexual and Aromantic Social is the best I've thought of but I am concerned with being "both only" implicated.

The Vancouver, Canada group goes by Vancouver Aces and Aros. https://www.vanacesaros.ca/

I think "Aces and Aros" is inclusive enough to both groups and people understand it can be either/or.

[PittAce92]

On 6/17/2019 at 7:06 PM, jbanana said:

Hello

im a new aro here!!!

ive just recently figured myself out, as one could say, and it’s so awesome to scroll through this forum and feel so accepted. Thanks a ton for being such an accepting and kind community of people for new folks like me to integrate into! ❤️ 

Welcome to AVEN! !

 

This is a major reason why I decided to join myself (haven't been on as often lately, being busy and all, but will try better), as the positive environment and the relatable stories completely made this worthwhile! Also, being able to help to your ability through your own experiences with others who may need help also adds to this as well!  

[PittAce92]

On 6/18/2019 at 12:52 AM, will123 said:

I didn't actually know what aromantic meant until late last year, even though I had been on AVEN for almost two years.

And this is the moral of the story: you are never too old or young to figure this out. It took me into college (late into college actually) to fully figure this all out as well. 

[PittAce92]

On 6/20/2019 at 5:20 PM, Lady.Saturnina.94 said:

Aceflux means that a person's sexual orientation shifts from asexual to an allosexual orientation and back again.

Thanks for that (truly new to me! ). 

[PittAce92]

On 6/24/2019 at 10:03 AM, LemonCupcakes said:

Hey guys, I’m relatively new. It’s really cool that there are so many people here - I love that this forum/thread exists 💕 Also, @iyote, that diagram was really helpful for me - thank you!

That is great!  As I mentioned to @jbanana, this is why I joined myself in the first place as well!  

[will123]

3 hours ago, PittAce92 said:

Welcome to AVEN! !

 

This is a major reason why I decided to join myself (haven't been on as often lately, being busy and all, but will try better), as the positive environment and the relatable stories completely made this worthwhile! Also, being able to help to your ability through your own experiences with others who may need help also adds to this as well!  

I try to help others feel comfortable here too! I just hope my TMI threads dont scare them off though 

[lexilovely]

I recently discovered that I'm grayromantic and not alloromantic. I've always been pretty weird about romance (pretending to like it just to fit in, pretending to have a celebrity crush, etc.) and now that I know I'm gray-ro, everything is making a lot more sense.

 

For example, this past 4th of July weekend, I took a vacation with my best friend, her family and her boyfriend, and while I'm so happy for my best friend and her loving and supportive relationship with her bf... can we just take a minute to talk about how annoying romantic couples can be? I mean jeeze: they never ever ever want to be apart from each other (always having to sit next to each other and be next to each other and constantly within reach); they're canoodling and touching and kissing, and wow PDA is so gross; they are constantly talking about how much they love each other within ear-shot of everyone; and they do that thing where they stand really close to each other and talk really quietly and you never know if you're allowed to interrupt them and join in the conversation or give them space.

 

Again, I'm super happy that my friend found a loving relationship, but all of that just made me realize how much I wouldn't want any of that for myself, and it totally affirmed my gray-ro identity. I hate PDA and I could never be so attached to someone because I really value my space and independence.

[QuirkyGeek]

Welcome @lexilovely! Congratulations on your discovery!

[will123]

18 hours ago, lexilovely said:

I recently discovered that I'm grayromantic and not alloromantic. I've always been pretty weird about romance (pretending to like it just to fit in, pretending to have a celebrity crush, etc.) and now that I know I'm gray-ro, everything is making a lot more sense.

 

For example, this past 4th of July weekend, I took a vacation with my best friend, her family and her boyfriend, and while I'm so happy for my best friend and her loving and supportive relationship with her bf... can we just take a minute to talk about how annoying romantic couples can be? I mean jeeze: they never ever ever want to be apart from each other (always having to sit next to each other and be next to each other and constantly within reach); they're canoodling and touching and kissing, and wow PDA is so gross; they are constantly talking about how much they love each other within ear-shot of everyone; and they do that thing where they stand really close to each other and talk really quietly and you never know if you're allowed to interrupt them and join in the conversation or give them space.

 

Again, I'm super happy that my friend found a loving relationship, but all of that just made me realize how much I wouldn't want any of that for myself, and it totally affirmed my gray-ro identity. I hate PDA and I could never be so attached to someone because I really value my space and independence.

Not sure which came first my aromanticism or my 'concern' about PDAs, but I completely understand where you're coming from. 

[DogObsessedLi]

On 7/8/2019 at 5:16 AM, lexilovely said:

I recently discovered that I'm grayromantic and not alloromantic. I've always been pretty weird about romance (pretending to like it just to fit in, pretending to have a celebrity crush, etc.) and now that I know I'm gray-ro, everything is making a lot more sense.

 

For example, this past 4th of July weekend, I took a vacation with my best friend, her family and her boyfriend, and while I'm so happy for my best friend and her loving and supportive relationship with her bf... can we just take a minute to talk about how annoying romantic couples can be? I mean jeeze: they never ever ever want to be apart from each other (always having to sit next to each other and be next to each other and constantly within reach); they're canoodling and touching and kissing, and wow PDA is so gross; they are constantly talking about how much they love each other within ear-shot of everyone; and they do that thing where they stand really close to each other and talk really quietly and you never know if you're allowed to interrupt them and join in the conversation or give them space.

 

Again, I'm super happy that my friend found a loving relationship, but all of that just made me realize how much I wouldn't want any of that for myself, and it totally affirmed my gray-ro identity. I hate PDA and I could never be so attached to someone because I really value my space and independence.

Oh tell me about it! My QP is driving me mental at the moment, she's homoromantic, and I know she is holding back even now which then leads to her moodiness. Actually there's other issues also to work through, but she wants to make a big announcement of our relationship to my family, and when I've said that my mum has made it pretty clear she knows, her response was " what did your mum say about me" and "we need to tell them officially together" - all the royal we, I mean, chill a little <sigh>. 

[Green and Purple Dragon]

I always hate the truth or dare questions “Who do you have a crush on???” And they never believe me when I say no one, or even worse, “Out of the people in this room, who would you date?” Cause then it’s like I’ll answer some random person to get it over with and then they’re like “Oooh, she wants to date yooou”

[PittAce92]

On 7/7/2019 at 1:24 AM, will123 said:

I try to help others feel comfortable here too! I just hope my TMI threads dont scare them off though 

Well if it hasn't me yet, I think you are doing just fine!  (I recall you encouraging me to be TMI as well!)

[PittAce92]

On 7/8/2019 at 12:16 AM, lexilovely said:

I recently discovered that I'm grayromantic and not alloromantic. I've always been pretty weird about romance (pretending to like it just to fit in, pretending to have a celebrity crush, etc.) and now that I know I'm gray-ro, everything is making a lot more sense.

 

For example, this past 4th of July weekend, I took a vacation with my best friend, her family and her boyfriend, and while I'm so happy for my best friend and her loving and supportive relationship with her bf... can we just take a minute to talk about how annoying romantic couples can be? I mean jeeze: they never ever ever want to be apart from each other (always having to sit next to each other and be next to each other and constantly within reach); they're canoodling and touching and kissing, and wow PDA is so gross; they are constantly talking about how much they love each other within ear-shot of everyone; and they do that thing where they stand really close to each other and talk really quietly and you never know if you're allowed to interrupt them and join in the conversation or give them space.

 

Again, I'm super happy that my friend found a loving relationship, but all of that just made me realize how much I wouldn't want any of that for myself, and it totally affirmed my gray-ro identity. I hate PDA and I could never be so attached to someone because I really value my space and independence.

Figuring out exactly what you should categorize yourself is the hardest part, and it is great you figured it out!  

[samurai68]

Hi guys!

I have a question 😄

I've never met someone that I felt romantically or sexually attracted to (I've never even had a crush), but I've always wanted to be in a relationship because I want that kind of deep emotional connection. Does that mean I'm not aromantic? That I've read too many romance books?😄 Or it's just that I haven't found 'the one' yet?  🤔

Sorry, I'm new and I'm kinda lost. 😅

[will123]

2 hours ago, PittAce92 said:

Well if it hasn't me yet, I think you are doing just fine!  (I recall you encouraging me to be TMI as well!)

Thanks, I think LOL

 

Oh my I wonder what you were discussing for me to say that 

[Plath90]

I am completely aromantic. I can live just with friends. I like solitude and I don't have a desire of sex or something like that

[will123]

1 hour ago, Plath90 said:

I am completely aromantic. I can live just with friends. I like solitude and I don't have a desire of sex or something like that

Sounds good to me! 😎

[DogObsessedLi]

On 7/12/2019 at 5:53 AM, samurai68 said:

Hi guys!

I have a question 😄

I've never met someone that I felt romantically or sexually attracted to (I've never even had a crush), but I've always wanted to be in a relationship because I want that kind of deep emotional connection. Does that mean I'm not aromantic? That I've read too many romance books?😄 Or it's just that I haven't found 'the one' yet?  🤔

Sorry, I'm new and I'm kinda lost. 😅

If it helps I am aroace but struggle with being sidelined by friends who now prioritise romantic relationships over their platonic relationships. I want that "best friend(s)" relationship that has been sidelined by others. I'm still aro though. We all have different platonic needs and it properly depends on how much we have (or have felt that we have) been sidelined.

[DogObsessedLi]

Neither am I totally keen on solitude, I am a people person who likes socials, family, meeting people. I'm the "crazy lady" who talks to everyone on the bus!!! Our happiness with solitude really depends on our specific social needs.

[Divide By Zero]

On 7/12/2019 at 11:50 AM, Plath90 said:

I am completely aromantic. I can live just with friends. I like solitude and I don't have a desire of sex or something like that

Ditto! It's looks like you're new here so welcome!

 

On 7/13/2019 at 4:33 AM, LizLianne said:

If it helps I am aroace but struggle with being sidelined by friends who now prioritise romantic relationships over their platonic relationships. I want that "best friend(s)" relationship that has been sidelined by others. I'm still aro though. We all have different platonic needs and it properly depends on how much we have (or have felt that we have) been sidelined.

I've run into the same problem too, particularly as I get older. When I was in school my friends were all single and while many of them were dating they still had time for friendships. Now that most of my friends are married, and some of them have kids too, they don't seem to have time for friendships. It seems like married couples get so focused on each other, and their children if they have them, that they have very little time for anything else.

 

I'm not sure if I would ever want a QPR, although as I get older and as my friendships are fading away, I'm slowly becoming more open to the idea. I envision it as like having a best friend but a little bit more than that. I don't think I would live with the person and I probably wouldn't spend every day with the person, but I would probably spend at least a few hours most days with the person. (I'm using "person" because I don't have a gender preference.) I would want the other person to be aro and ace like me and around the same age (give or take about 5 years) but other than that I don't think I would have any requirements.

[DogObsessedLi]

I don't mind the idea of a QPR, or any type of civil partnership, or any type of committed living arrangement (obviously if not married careful will-making would be in order to protect those I've entered any arrangement with), though I live with my parents and can't ever see myself choosing to live on my own but with either family or an agreed arrangement with friends. I think sometimes we can feel pressured to look for a QPR (esp depending on how we've been affected socially by the romance prioritising of others) just so we don't get "left behind" socially, esp if like me friendships were often a few very close best friends, doesn't make that right though. I'm in a QPR at the moment but she's homoromantic and really it's driving me mental! I've been in relationships with both romantic men and romantic women, and my experience is that men can be easier from an intensity perspective at times (my experience is that they often chill a little once they realise you don't need excess romance and are generally more likely to pressure sexually-though that's just my limited experience of course, and with me being way more romance-repulsed than sex-repulsed this helps). Seriously, the romance-induced moodiness is something I seriously struggle with 😔.

[will123]

The last two posts have prompted me to ask a question. Are there varying 'degrees' of a QPR? Is it like two people living together but there is no sexual and/or romance 'component' to it, like room mates (see The Odd Couple or Three's Company )or am I way off base?

 

I'm sorry about the bewilderment but I grew up when queer had a VERY negative meaning.

[Divide By Zero]

1 hour ago, will123 said:

The last two posts have prompted me to ask a question. Are there varying 'degrees' of a QPR? Is it like two people living together but there is no sexual and/or romance 'component' to it, like room mates (see The Odd Couple or Three's Company )or am I way off base?

 

I'm sorry about the bewilderment but I grew up when queer had a VERY negative meaning.

My understanding of a QPR is that it's whatever the people involved decide it to be. There are no rules or expectation or standard way of doing things.

[rainbowocollie]

So like....I don't get people thinking friendships can't be deep and self sacrificial, but only romantic ones can?

[RakshaTheCat]

16 minutes ago, questdrivencollie said:

So like....I don't get people thinking friendships can't be deep and self sacrificial, but only romantic ones can?

Because most people are super shallow, and their 'deep romantic relationships' usually last only few years and end with fancy divorce lawsuits, so I wouldn't treat seriously what they say  😸

[QuirkyGeek]

On 7/12/2019 at 1:53 AM, samurai68 said:

Hi guys!

I have a question 😄

I've never met someone that I felt romantically or sexually attracted to (I've never even had a crush), but I've always wanted to be in a relationship because I want that kind of deep emotional connection. Does that mean I'm not aromantic? That I've read too many romance books?😄 Or it's just that I haven't found 'the one' yet?  🤔

Sorry, I'm new and I'm kinda lost. 😅

Hi! You are still aromantic. All being aromantic means is you do not experience romantic attraction, and if you've never felt romantically attracted to anyone, that sounds like you could very well be aromantic. Many other aromantic people also want that deep emotional connection you want. A couple ways aromantic people get that is by getting in a QPR or with their friends. It would even work with family. There are lots of different kinds of love and ways to be intimate and form an emotional connection with someone. It's also likely that you want that because amatonormativity tells us that romantic relationships are the only way to be emotionally intimate with another or others. Don't let amatonormativity be a remora to your happiness and being aromantic and proud.

[DogObsessedLi]

23 hours ago, will123 said:

The last two posts have prompted me to ask a question. Are there varying 'degrees' of a QPR? Is it like two people living together but there is no sexual and/or romance 'component' to it, like room mates (see The Odd Couple or Three's Company )or am I way off base?

 

I'm sorry about the bewilderment but I grew up when queer had a VERY negative meaning.

Well different platonic relationships are different, QPRs are just agreed forms of platonic relationships with an agreed aspect of commitment, so could be between two people or a group. But ultimately it's whatever is agreed. Quasi can sometimes be used instead of the word queer, though probably my generation and younger are probably reclaiming the word queer. Basically it's a "different", or "not ordinary" platonic relationship, which is ultimately the root of the word queer.

 

17 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

So like....I don't get people thinking friendships can't be deep and self sacrificial, but only romantic ones can?

Because for some strange reason they prioritise fleeting emotional reactions over deeper (more familiar) love, hence the weird terms "love at first sight". And apparently we're the queer (thinking back to proper old meaning) ones!! Perhaps we're not going to get a satisfactory answer on an aro thread though. It's like they fall "head over heels" but the fleeting emotion doesn't last when it becomes difficult. I'm as clueless as you though!!

[will123]

@LizLianne Thanks!

[I'mTheDecoy]

I just came across this comic I drew seven years ago of my school prom (which was like 18 years ago).  Reading it now it seems so clear that this is about one of those 'I'm obviously aromantic' moments, but I didn't know either at the time or back when I drew the comic.  In fact I still sometimes question it.  I think I need to post these kind of reminders to myself!

 

 

sorry it is so small.

[I, Joan]

On ‎7‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 12:53 AM, samurai68 said:

Hi guys!

I have a question 😄

I've never met someone that I felt romantically or sexually attracted to (I've never even had a crush), but I've always wanted to be in a relationship because I want that kind of deep emotional connection. Does that mean I'm not aromantic? That I've read too many romance books?😄 Or it's just that I haven't found 'the one' yet?  🤔

Sorry, I'm new and I'm kinda lost. 😅

I was in the same boat for a long time. I convinced myself I had a romantic crush in ninth grade, and that relationship lasted for three years, because of a societal "should". I want to be in a deep emotional relationship, and society told me romance was the way. It took a long time to be honest with myself and realize that romance isn't for me. I can totally be happy for my friends when they find love, and I think it's adorable. I do have that "what if I just haven't found the one yet" thought pattern (I'm only 18), but the way I see it? Sexuality is fluid. Right now, ace and aro describes me best. If that changes in the future, that changes. 

 

As for a non-romantic deep emotional connection (and I see a lot of other people talking about them too), but queerplatonic relationships. There's not a ton of information on them, but like others have said, you can define it for yourself. To me, it's very different from a regular friendship or even best friends. I've only come across that through realizing I have a serious squish on one of my friends, though. 

 

I'm rambling. My point is, define yourself how it feels right for you. If calling yourself aromantic feels right, then call yourself aromantic. If it doesn't, look into other words. You do you!