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Iloveyou0410

sick of being the only one

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I was in an open relationship for years. Different people handle it differently. I had one gf who insisted that we tell each other whenever we were with someone else. I hated that. My ex and I were open for about 4 years, and were free to do what we wanted, with the understanding that we were the primary relationship, but we didn't disclose details. I far preferred that arrangement. Even though I knew it was fine for her to be with other people, hearing about it was really hard, and I don't feel like there's a good enough reason to put myself through that turmoil, so I opted for ignorance.

So agreed. For me, hearing detailed blow-by-blow bedroom details would ruin a relationship faster than you can say "TMI".

There's a humongous field of options between the extremes of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and compulsive oversharing. Personally, I certainly do want to be generally informed if and when there are other people involved as more than casual flings (especially because that'll have an obvious impact to the practicalities of time management), but I feel like the details of a partner's love life with other partners are their business, not mine, and should remain so out of respect for everyone's privacy. I have no need to know about that, and I don't want to meddle (and vice versa, I don't feel a partner has a need to know details about my relations to others, and I expect them not to meddle in them, either).

I do, however, remain available to assist in case any problems arise that my help/advice/input would be appreciated about.

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Kitty Spoon Train

There's a humongous field of options between the extremes of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and compulsive oversharing. Personally, I certainly do want to be generally informed if and when there are other people involved as more than casual flings (especially because that'll have an obvious impact to the practicalities of time management), but I feel like the details of a partner's love life with other partners are their business, not mine, and should remain so out of respect for everyone's privacy. I have no need to know about that, and I don't want to meddle (and vice versa, I don't feel a partner has a need to know details about my relations to others, and I expect them not to meddle in them, either).

This is basically my thinking too.

I wouldn't do a strict DADT thing at all in fact, since I think it actually clashes to some extent with the ethic of shared love, openness and transparency that are kinda the whole point of my version of RA/polyamory. But yeah, extreme compulsive oversharing could get a tad TMI as well. Although I could probably go much further in that direction than in the DADT/nondisclosure sort of direction. *shrug*

Of course, a big part of my thinking on relationships is that the distinction between close intimate friendships and romantic relationships isn't necessarily tightly defined in the first place, so that makes things even more simple (or confusing - if going by more mainstream standards). :D

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Valw

This is very interesting as my wife is very similar in having little sexual memory. My ace, however, gets perturbed when I try to tell/show her what I want...even with simple things like moving her hand from one place to another. I don't understand this.

After all these years (40+) and talk after talk and finally in the last couple of years he has finally started to explane bits and pieces (if caught in the right mood not a pleasant mood but an emotional one that I don't enjoy going to). He has told me and I want to say this is HIS FEELINGS that by me moving his hand or touching him gently on the forehead while kissing ( he has had to have all his teeth pulled and when he kisses to HARD he seals off my nose and I can't breath). So I touch his forehead with the tip of my finger. He has come to understand now but at first it was as if I was rejecting his degree of longing. For him the harder he pushes the more it means he wants me. Also by directing the angle or place that he is touching me to HIM is a sign of not excepting what he is offering that it is not good enough. I have tried to explane (before AVEN) that I KNOW how he likes to be touched and when to increase or decrease pressure WHY couldn't he remember what it was I liked? Since finding AVEN I now know the memory of SEX is just NOT there for him.

In doing some deep thinking since AVEN it is MY and I stress MY belief that as humans we retain what WE deem important in LIFE. What I mean is we remember what we need for survival! It may be work, paying bills, what food we enjoy eating and what we don't like the taste of. If we as sexuals enjoy sex we remember what parts we enjoy and what parts are not as exciting or pleasurable. However as an asexual sex is not one of the things they enjoy thus in MY deep thinking they have trouble remembering what is to them not enjoyable, it never hits the place in the brain for them that makes it a necessity or something that needs to be placed in that special part of the brain of REDO'S.

Just my opinion

As an asexual, I think you understand and describe us pretty well. For me, I just can't get into all the 'move this here, touch that there' stuff. It seems, well, rather pointless and unappealing. I realize that this is very hard to understand from a sexual's point of view. It's tough for both sides, and for me, has absolutely nothing to do with love and caring. But I'm sorry for all the hurt and loneliness that sexuals feel because of these differences.

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Iloveyou0410

I was in an open relationship for years. Different people handle it differently. I had one gf who insisted that we tell each other whenever we were with someone else. I hated that. My ex and I were open for about 4 years, and were free to do what we wanted, with the understanding that we were the primary relationship, but we didn't disclose details. I far preferred that arrangement. Even though I knew it was fine for her to be with other people, hearing about it was really hard, and I don't feel like there's a good enough reason to put myself through that turmoil, so I opted for ignorance.

that last part would be the kind i would want not telling everything. was it hard to start that?

I was in an open relationship for years. Different people handle it differently. I had one gf who insisted that we tell each other whenever we were with someone else. I hated that. My ex and I were open for about 4 years, and were free to do what we wanted, with the understanding that we were the primary relationship, but we didn't disclose details. I far preferred that arrangement. Even though I knew it was fine for her to be with other people, hearing about it was really hard, and I don't feel like there's a good enough reason to put myself through that turmoil, so I opted for ignorance.

So agreed. For me, hearing detailed blow-by-blow bedroom details would ruin a relationship faster than you can say "TMI".

There's a humongous field of options between the extremes of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and compulsive oversharing. Personally, I certainly do want to be generally informed if and when there are other people involved as more than casual flings (especially because that'll have an obvious impact to the practicalities of time management), but I feel like the details of a partner's love life with other partners are their business, not mine, and should remain so out of respect for everyone's privacy. I have no need to know about that, and I don't want to meddle (and vice versa, I don't feel a partner has a need to know details about my relations to others, and I expect them not to meddle in them, either).

I do, however, remain available to assist in case any problems arise that my help/advice/input would be appreciated about.

what do you mean?

I'm a good person.

I already don't believe u. People that say about themselves that they are good, they don't see their own problems. So u are good and the other one is bad ? Pls stop...

Skullery Maid gave you the best response out here. Read it again, and get on with it.

I don't think that is what the OP meant when they said that. Often when sexual partners come here, they are hurting and are struggling with feelings of inadequacy...they wonder what is happening in an otherwise good relationship. Based on the entire post, they are feeling this way.

We need to be sure to give both sexuals and asexuals as much support as we can. It may be that the sexual partner doesn't want to face responsibility for their own feelings, but to say we don't believe they are a good person probably isn't actually helpful.

i am a good person. i help people when i can, i do my best to take responablity for my actions.

I fear that sometimes sexual people not only want their asexual partner to compromise (which I consider a legitimate request), but they want a certain amount of enthusiasm too or it's not good enough. I obviously don't like the phrase "table-scrap" sex. It makes me feel like the offering was deemed worthless and relegated to the trash heap because expectations of the sexual person weren't met. I think sexual couples have less than satisfying encounters at times...I wonder if they think it's scrap sex too, maybe they do.

It seems like what Sally says about sex for many mixed couples is true...sex isn't good enough for the sexual partner, they want their asexual partner or spouse to want to have sex with them. That's really the bigger issue sometimes it seems.

This. And from asexual perspective (well, mine at least, grey as it is) it could be the more difficult one to deal with. As I've mentioned before - sex can be totally OK. And I can do my best to find enjoyment in it, both for me and for my partner. But every time when my emotional rseponse (pre- and post-sex) is not at the level that is expected/normal for a sexual person, I get an emotional backlash. It's the thing that makes me even more apprehensive than the sexual advances themselves.

i try to be supportive of her. i would never perposfully back lash her. im sorry you get it.

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Guest

what do you mean?

With what? I'm not sure what your question is... :huh:

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My alias

Tangible misery if you are the better one you have no shame in leaving, but then again love is a nail that stabs through your foot, you have to wedge it out properly or there will be an infection

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Iloveyou0410

I was in an open relationship for years. Different people handle it differently. I had one gf who insisted that we tell each other whenever we were with someone else. I hated that. My ex and I were open for about 4 years, and were free to do what we wanted, with the understanding that we were the primary relationship, but we didn't disclose details. I far preferred that arrangement. Even though I knew it was fine for her to be with other people, hearing about it was really hard, and I don't feel like there's a good enough reason to put myself through that turmoil, so I opted for ignorance.

So agreed. For me, hearing detailed blow-by-blow bedroom details would ruin a relationship faster than you can say "TMI".

There's a humongous field of options between the extremes of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and compulsive oversharing. Personally, I certainly do want to be generally informed if and when there are other people involved as more than casual flings (especially because that'll have an obvious impact to the practicalities of time management), but I feel like the details of a partner's love life with other partners are their business, not mine, and should remain so out of respect for everyone's privacy. I have no need to know about that, and I don't want to meddle (and vice versa, I don't feel a partner has a need to know details about my relations to others, and I expect them not to meddle in them, either).

I do, however, remain available to assist in case any problems arise that my help/advice/input would be appreciated about.

The last part of this

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Guest

Well, basically it means that if and when R. runs into problems with another partner and needs someone to talk to about it - be it just to moan and get stuff off her chest, or to hear an outside opinion on something, or whatever - I will be there for her and do my best to support her in whatever way I can (as long as it's not about explicit "bedroom stuff"; I know I can't handle that, so that's where I do draw the DADT line, and reluctantly admit I'm in over my head and can't help her).

Until she asks for such a talk, I trust she's handling it all fine on her own, so I won't meddle.

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pipeline

I am struggling to come to terms with being in a relationship with my possibly asexual partner and have similar conflicts, in part because it feels like I am learning a whole new language, yes, I cry at night sometimes because that is when my head and heart believes the intimacy should be the strongest- that is when the feelings of rejection are most powerful.

Funnily, sex is minimal in the grand scheme of things...

But sadly the lack of "want" is the damaging thing.... For me.

Because I interpret the "want" in my language.... If I didn't want to make love with someone to pleasure them (and me) it means I don't "want" them... Their happiness /needs are unimportant... Because it is an important element of what I consider a loving relationship to be.... Like Amoeba colony said- it is agony....

....sometimes....

....The times when I 'expect' sexual intimacy, I dread going away together- because like an after dinner coffee, for me sexual intimacy finishes a beautiful day- completes it.. Says I love being with you, I don't want the day to end

.....I don't have to have sex, but somehow it's important for me to "complete" the 'love'.

I think that is why being ignored sexually (unintentionally) hurts because it's the 'completion' of what love is to me.

From what I have 'gleaned' so far from my partner, that 'completion' for him, is me simply 'being there'.... Which is beautiful in it's simplicity.... And I hold on to that, that just me.... Who I am (with the up and downs and emotional bags of crazy) me being me is just good enough for him.

So I work at what I can do best, which in part, is what my partner lacks, I work on empathising.. Trying to understand his language, knowing that he is unable to understand mine (particularly the emotional bags o crazy) and pull out the best bits that I really enjoy of being with him....and accepting that he has his ways of showing me that he loves me.

In the darkest hours I feel your desperation iloveyou0410 but in the (mostly) good times I work really really hard at understanding.

I do have needs too, absolutely, and I am really struggling with how to satisfy those outside of what my partner can do.... The drawback is that I only want him to satisfy those, and again I find I am challenging what my beliefs of a relationship are. Meanwhile he carries on seemingly regardless.

Oh! It's a toughy!!

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LittleBee

I think the best way to explain to a sexual what it is like to be asexual, the most accurate example I've come across is this.

If you as a straight person were told to have sex with someone of the same gender, how would you deal with that? If you are a straight man and you find yourself in the situation where you have to have sex with another man, how can you go against your nature (you are attracted to women) and have sex and thoroughly enjoy it, satisfy yourself and your partner, when it goes against your natural "Programming" or whatever.

Physically, an asexual can have sex with a partner, a gay man can have sex with a woman, a straight man can have sex with another man, but the "attraction" aspect you are looking for simply isn't there.

As an asexual with chronic fear of sex, it makes any physical contact difficult, and the thought that being unable to have sex with a partner (should I have one) and please them upsets me. Not the sex part, as an asexual I could live perfectly happily without sex, but it is the part where the partner feels upset that hurts.

Asexuals don't feel asexual attraction, but they feel emotions, they are not robots and cold and unfeeling. Im incredibly sensitive, and I would be torn apart to know my partner (hypothetically speaking since I am not dating) feels that way, but what am I to do to fix that? An asexual could have sex all day every day, physically its possible, but the feelings you want to naturally exist, they don't. As posters have said already, I think the fact that your partner even attempted to have intimate relations with you speaks volumes. If you fail to see how monumental that task is, I pity your partner, because you are grossly under appreciating their efforts. Sex as an asexual is like having gay sex as a straight person, it just goes against them.

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

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Lady Girl

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

This comparison isn't accurate for all asexuals. My husband isn't interested in having sex and has no desire for sexual interactions, however, I have asked him if this comparison describes his feelings and he said it does not. Some asexual people feel neutral about it all...they don't all have a fear of it nor are they repulsed. I think romantic orientation is another reason some asexuals are okay with a sexual compromise for their partners.

The most accurate description for him is that he's not going to enjoy sex in the same way sexual people do.

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Percivel

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

This comparison isn't accurate for all asexuals. My husband isn't interested in having sex and has no desire for sexual interactions, however, I have asked him if this comparison describes his feelings and he said it does not. Some asexual people feel neutral about it all...they don't all have a fear of it nor are they repulsed. I think romantic orientation is another reason some asexuals are okay with a sexual compromise for their partners.

The most accurate description for him is that he's not going to enjoy sex in the same way sexual people do.

Lady,

In light of your comment, I have a question for you. It sounds like your husband is not sex repulsed...and may be "neutral". And yet, you have stated in other posts that you are resigning to the fact that you may never have sex again because your compromise seems to have dissolved. If sex doesn't repulse him, why is it so difficult for him to compromise with you?

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Sally

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

This comparison isn't accurate for all asexuals. My husband isn't interested in having sex and has no desire for sexual interactions, however, I have asked him if this comparison describes his feelings and he said it does not. Some asexual people feel neutral about it all...they don't all have a fear of it nor are they repulsed. I think romantic orientation is another reason some asexuals are okay with a sexual compromise for their partners.

The most accurate description for him is that he's not going to enjoy sex in the same way sexual people do.

Lady,

In light of your comment, I have a question for you. It sounds like your husband is not sex repulsed...and may be "neutral". And yet, you have stated in other posts that you are resigning to the fact that you may never have sex again because your compromise seems to have dissolved. If sex doesn't repulse him, why is it so difficult for him to compromise with you?

That might be kind of a difficult question to answer, since it involves another person's feelings, not Lady Girl's.

Lady Girl's statement, "I think romantic orientation is another reason some asexuals are okay with a sexual compromise for their partners." was certainly true for me. I can't imagine having a sexual relationship for all those years unless I'd felt romantic about the two men I was with. There just wouldn't have been any point to it.

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Lady Girl

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

This comparison isn't accurate for all asexuals. My husband isn't interested in having sex and has no desire for sexual interactions, however, I have asked him if this comparison describes his feelings and he said it does not. Some asexual people feel neutral about it all...they don't all have a fear of it nor are they repulsed. I think romantic orientation is another reason some asexuals are okay with a sexual compromise for their partners.

The most accurate description for him is that he's not going to enjoy sex in the same way sexual people do.

Lady,

In light of your comment, I have a question for you. It sounds like your husband is not sex repulsed...and may be "neutral". And yet, you have stated in other posts that you are resigning to the fact that you may never have sex again because your compromise seems to have dissolved. If sex doesn't repulse him, why is it so difficult for him to compromise with you?

He has told me that he has absolutely no interest in it. In 2012 it was becoming increasingly difficult for him to 'perform' his role. I kept 'pressuring' him, sort of, and so we kept trying. In 2013, we had sex twice (June was the last time I think) and it just wasn't happening. It made me feel like I was setting him up for failure so I basically stopped insisting that we keep the compromise. I think he is sad that he can't make me happy this way, but I really don't think it's something he can just force himself to do in spite of feeling rather neutral about it.

It's hard to explain, but I feel I understand where he's coming from. He doesn't hate it, but he doesn't like it either. I call that neutral in attitude towards it and I imagine that it is just enough to contribute to major difficulties at this point for him. I think you can not be repulsed by something and still feel that you would be happy if you never had to do it again.

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Percivel

Thanks Lady! I'm not being mean spirited...I'm just trying to understand. It sounds like your husband is a little more communicative than my wife. My wife won't really talk about her asexuality so what I can't figure out on my own I need to find or ask here. I also think you're a terrific person and I want you to be happy.

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Lady Girl

Thanks Lady! I'm not being mean spirited...I'm just trying to understand. It sounds like your husband is a little more communicative than my wife. My wife won't really talk about her asexuality so what I can't figure out on my own I need to find or ask here. I also think you're a terrific person and I want you to be happy.

I don't know, he can be, but not usually about that. He has told me a few things on a couple of rare occasions. But it's really been that, combined with general observations and like you, what people here have said that have helped me understand. Talking about it is difficult for him too...he doesn't know why he's asexual, anymore than anyone else.

I'm happy. It's enough sometimes to know what...I don't need to know why. :)

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LittleBee

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

This comparison isn't accurate for all asexuals. My husband isn't interested in having sex and has no desire for sexual interactions, however, I have asked him if this comparison describes his feelings and he said it does not. Some asexual people feel neutral about it all...they don't all have a fear of it nor are they repulsed. I think romantic orientation is another reason some asexuals are okay with a sexual compromise for their partners.

The most accurate description for him is that he's not going to enjoy sex in the same way sexual people do.

Lady,

In light of your comment, I have a question for you. It sounds like your husband is not sex repulsed...and may be "neutral". And yet, you have stated in other posts that you are resigning to the fact that you may never have sex again because your compromise seems to have dissolved. If sex doesn't repulse him, why is it so difficult for him to compromise with you?

With respect to Lady Girl (who kindly responded to this question) it does seem a little bit ... intense? (is that the word?) to ask about her personal sexual behaviours. ( I appreciate her openness and honesty, but do remember that sex, to asexual or sexual people, is a personal thing and perhaps not something you should pry into) I don't think its written anywhere in the site TOS or general code of conduct, but asking a sexual person (or even an asexual person) details about their sex life in the midst of a debate seems a bit too far for me. This is a general debate on sexuality (as most are on this site) but everyone experiences sex and sexuality diferently (even two straight people can have wildly different views on sex, such as positions, locations, partners, times to have sex and so on). LadyGirls response applies only to her and not every sexual or asexual person/people. With respect to LadyGirl and her personal privacy I'd leave that sort of thing out of discussions. That said, whats been said has been said, I commend LadyGirl on her willingness to discuss her sex life with her husband, but it seems disrespectful to me for you to ask her such a question.

Back on topic, LadyGirl, you put that quite nicely. "Its enough to know hes asexual, you don't need to know why." Thats a very sweet sentiment,

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Lady Girl

It's okay LittleBee. Relationships for mixed couples can be filled with strong emotions regarding sex. Sometimes to be able to understand what another couple is going through difficult questions are asked and answered. It can also shed some light on your own feelings and the possible feelings of your partner (or give you a good question to ask them). If I had felt too uncomfortable answering, I would have answered in a PM. I tend to not talk about the intimate details a lot, others do...it's good both ways, people can see that there are all kinds of arrangements and that both sexuals and asexuals do have a variety of feelings about it. This is a great site to be able to be open and share without our friends or family passing judgement. :cake:

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LittleBee

It's okay LittleBee. Relationships for mixed couples can be filled with strong emotions regarding sex. Sometimes to be able to understand what another couple is going through difficult questions are asked and answered. It can also shed some light on your own feelings and the possible feelings of your partner (or give you a good question to ask them). If I had felt too uncomfortable answering, I would have answered in a PM. I tend to not talk about the intimate details a lot, others do...it's good both ways, people can see that there are all kinds of arrangements and that both sexuals and asexuals do have a variety of feelings about it. This is a great site to be able to be open and share without our friends or family passing judgement. :cake:

Thats a relief, its good that couples can exchange about things like that here, I just hope no one gets pressured into having to reveal things htye'd rather not, or for someone else to disagree with something someone has said about their intimate life and then a person ends up having to justify how/why/when/where they have sex and so on O_O Some people have sex a certain way and if someone else disagrees with the way a person conducts their relationship/sexlife .... its a bit invasive isnt it?

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Iloveyou0410

I am struggling to come to terms with being in a relationship with my possibly asexual partner and have similar conflicts, in part because it feels like I am learning a whole new language, yes, I cry at night sometimes because that is when my head and heart believes the intimacy should be the strongest- that is when the feelings of rejection are most powerful.

Funnily, sex is minimal in the grand scheme of things...

But sadly the lack of "want" is the damaging thing.... For me.

Because I interpret the "want" in my language.... If I didn't want to make love with someone to pleasure them (and me) it means I don't "want" them... Their happiness /needs are unimportant... Because it is an important element of what I consider a loving relationship to be.... Like Amoeba colony said- it is agony....

....sometimes....

....The times when I 'expect' sexual intimacy, I dread going away together- because like an after dinner coffee, for me sexual intimacy finishes a beautiful day- completes it.. Says I love being with you, I don't want the day to end

.....I don't have to have sex, but somehow it's important for me to "complete" the 'love'.

I think that is why being ignored sexually (unintentionally) hurts because it's the 'completion' of what love is to me.

From what I have 'gleaned' so far from my partner, that 'completion' for him, is me simply 'being there'.... Which is beautiful in it's simplicity.... And I hold on to that, that just me.... Who I am (with the up and downs and emotional bags of crazy) me being me is just good enough for him.

So I work at what I can do best, which in part, is what my partner lacks, I work on empathising.. Trying to understand his language, knowing that he is unable to understand mine (particularly the emotional bags o crazy) and pull out the best bits that I really enjoy of being with him....and accepting that he has his ways of showing me that he loves me.

In the darkest hours I feel your desperation iloveyou0410 but in the (mostly) good times I work really really hard at understanding.

I do have needs too, absolutely, and I am really struggling with how to satisfy those outside of what my partner can do.... The drawback is that I only want him to satisfy those, and again I find I am challenging what my beliefs of a relationship are. Meanwhile he carries on seemingly regardless.

Oh! It's a toughy!!

how long have you been going throught the first steps of realizing your partner maybe asexual? i realized it first and pointed her here.

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Iloveyou0410

I think the best way to explain to a sexual what it is like to be asexual, the most accurate example I've come across is this.

If you as a straight person were told to have sex with someone of the same gender, how would you deal with that? If you are a straight man and you find yourself in the situation where you have to have sex with another man, how can you go against your nature (you are attracted to women) and have sex and thoroughly enjoy it, satisfy yourself and your partner, when it goes against your natural "Programming" or whatever.

Physically, an asexual can have sex with a partner, a gay man can have sex with a woman, a straight man can have sex with another man, but the "attraction" aspect you are looking for simply isn't there.

As an asexual with chronic fear of sex, it makes any physical contact difficult, and the thought that being unable to have sex with a partner (should I have one) and please them upsets me. Not the sex part, as an asexual I could live perfectly happily without sex, but it is the part where the partner feels upset that hurts.

Asexuals don't feel asexual attraction, but they feel emotions, they are not robots and cold and unfeeling. Im incredibly sensitive, and I would be torn apart to know my partner (hypothetically speaking since I am not dating) feels that way, but what am I to do to fix that? An asexual could have sex all day every day, physically its possible, but the feelings you want to naturally exist, they don't. As posters have said already, I think the fact that your partner even attempted to have intimate relations with you speaks volumes. If you fail to see how monumental that task is, I pity your partner, because you are grossly under appreciating their efforts. Sex as an asexual is like having gay sex as a straight person, it just goes against them.

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

im not attacking her for not having sex. im upset that she i guess fakes it. never in amillion years would i ever want her to feel like that. it upsets me that she forces it. or when she turns me down she not always that esay at it. but i dont really agree with the most of it.

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Iloveyou0410

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

This comparison isn't accurate for all asexuals. My husband isn't interested in having sex and has no desire for sexual interactions, however, I have asked him if this comparison describes his feelings and he said it does not. Some asexual people feel neutral about it all...they don't all have a fear of it nor are they repulsed. I think romantic orientation is another reason some asexuals are okay with a sexual compromise for their partners.

The most accurate description for him is that he's not going to enjoy sex in the same way sexual people do.

lady thats closer to my wife also.

Sorry if this is coming across as particularly harsh, its just, you can't attack an asexual for not enjoying sex, the same as you cant attack a straight man or woman for not enjoying gay sex the same way a gay individual would.

This comparison isn't accurate for all asexuals. My husband isn't interested in having sex and has no desire for sexual interactions, however, I have asked him if this comparison describes his feelings and he said it does not. Some asexual people feel neutral about it all...they don't all have a fear of it nor are they repulsed. I think romantic orientation is another reason some asexuals are okay with a sexual compromise for their partners.

The most accurate description for him is that he's not going to enjoy sex in the same way sexual people do.

Lady,

In light of your comment, I have a question for you. It sounds like your husband is not sex repulsed...and may be "neutral". And yet, you have stated in other posts that you are resigning to the fact that you may never have sex again because your compromise seems to have dissolved. If sex doesn't repulse him, why is it so difficult for him to compromise with you?

Percivel i ask the same thing to my wife lol.

Thanks Lady! I'm not being mean spirited...I'm just trying to understand. It sounds like your husband is a little more communicative than my wife. My wife won't really talk about her asexuality so what I can't figure out on my own I need to find or ask here. I also think you're a terrific person and I want you to be happy.

it it extremely frustrating for her not to talk to you about it?

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Percivel

I don't know if it's frustrating for my wife to not be able to talk about her asexuality/my sexuality/our mixed marriage (if that was your question). I know when I try to talk to her about it in an effort to understand her and to help her understand me she gets upset...sometimes even angry. I think this is because she feels horrible about the struggle I experience and she carries a lot of guilt. I think talking about it makes her feel worse about herself. I don't think she even likes thinking about it because of how it makes her feel so crappy. She avoids talking about it and I try not to as much as possible because I know she doesn't want to. Occasionally I'll get stupid and still bring it up trying to understand or explain something.

I can understand why she would feel so crappy and guilty. She has seen me cry and even sob about it over the years. She has seen me up half the night in distress. She has seen me walking around depressed. She has seen me sexually/emotionally tempted with others. She has seen me in despair and suffering. Even though she knows she has no control over her aceness she still blames herself and just wants me to be happy and wants me to be able to love her the way I want/need to love her. I'm sure she wishes she could talk about it for my benefit but she's likely very frustrated because she can't.

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Iloveyou0410

I don't know if it's frustrating for my wife to not be able to talk about her asexuality/my sexuality/our mixed marriage (if that was your question). I know when I try to talk to her about it in an effort to understand her and to help her understand me she gets upset...sometimes even angry. I think this is because she feels horrible about the struggle I experience and she carries a lot of guilt. I think talking about it makes her feel worse about herself. I don't think she even likes thinking about it because of how it makes her feel so crappy. She avoids talking about it and I try not to as much as possible because I know she doesn't want to. Occasionally I'll get stupid and still bring it up trying to understand or explain something.

I can understand why she would feel so crappy and guilty. She has seen me cry and even sob about it over the years. She has seen me up half the night in distress. She has seen me walking around depressed. She has seen me sexually/emotionally tempted with others. She has seen me in despair and suffering. Even though she knows she has no control over her aceness she still blames herself and just wants me to be happy and wants me to be able to love her the way I want/need to love her. I'm sure she wishes she could talk about it for my benefit but she's likely very frustrated because she can't.

whats the hardest part for you about all of asesaulty being the sexual, if you dont mind me asking.

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Percivel

I don't mind at all! This is a tough question though and I've been thinking about it for a couple days.

It's difficult for me to determine what is the hardest part. The thoughts and feelings I experience often seem to blend together making it hard to separate them and identify them. They are like similar atoms that join together and make a whole new compound. Sorry about the analogy but I'm a substitute teacher and recently taught science...that was the first thing to come to mind.

I experience most of the same things today as when I did before I learned about asexuality three years ago. The intensity is a bit less now, however. The thoughts and feelings of isolation, rejection and loneliness were extreme before...now they're just bad. I no longer blame my wife or myself for our difficulties...not that much anyway. Understanding what we're dealing with has helped me but I still feel I have a long journey ahead. The permanency of our situation is daunting and I'm still trying to accept it.

My sex drive doesn't seem to play a dominant role as I've had to subdue it over the years out of self preservation. At least, I don't think it does. The sex we have is poor in quality and intimacy...understandingly so. I'm still trying to accept that. It does keep me going, however, and helps keep me loving.

Accepting the lack of intimacy (as I know it, want it, need it) is very difficult. Not having an intimate relationship with my "soul mate" is still extremely frustrating. Some of this is due to our different personalities and not our mixed relationship, however.

Hiding my thoughts and feelings from my wife is very hard, too. I don't want to make her feel further anxiety, guilt or get depressed so I try to be as cheery as I can.

I can't determine what is the hardest because all those thoughts and feelings get together and team up on me. After some sort of sex, I'm good for a few days. Then it goes down hill rather fast. Within a week I'm all depressed, frustrated and I feel miserable. I try very hard to control it and keep those thoughts and feelings at bay but I can only hold them off for so long. That is what I work on the most. I guess that is the hardest part...trying to keep from letting my conglomerate of thoughts and feelings get the best of me. It's a daily battle. I win some...and I lose some. Perhaps dividing and conquering might be the best approach? Identify what I'm feeling and thinking and then deal with each one separately.

Do you have any thoughts on this?

I forgot to mention self-pity. That's mixed in there too and causes a lot of problems for me...but not as much as it used to.

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Down in Texas

As another sexual I would like to also answer your question.

For me it can be answered with one word that covers so very much and such depth of feeling, LONELINESS.

There are so many things that fall within this one word.

The lack of having the ONE person that I expected to find within my MARRIAGE. The one person that would always be MY SAFE PLACE to fall. The person I could tell anything to, the deep desires of the heart. The simple things that can only be shared between you and your spouse.

The joy of the knowledge of your first child, the sharing of all the behind the scene joys to have my husband want to touch and feel the movement of our child, the sharing of joy at that child's birth, the joy of having that child home. Just the proud demeaner of protection of me and his child when out in public. He wanted our children and it was his idea to have the second pregnancy so soon. However at their birth he goes home to express his feelings on a tape recorder while getting drunk rather than sharing or caring for me. I was in the hospital hemorrhaging. He showed NO concern for me after a difficult delivery he was totally into his own personal celebration, he simply DOES NOT know how to share his feelings.

As our children grew he was uncomfortable kissing me. He would jump away from me as if we had been doing something wrong when one of our children would walk in while he kissed me when he got home from work. We were both fully clothed and often I was cooking in the kitchen. ( it was never inappropriate or private sharing in front of our children or anyone else).

There are times in life that you want to share both joy and sorry. Even the worrying over a child. (Our only son spent the first ten days in a NICU) this was the child he wanted from the first try HIS SON. Yet he shared none of his fears with me. Our baby was in one hospital while I was in another. He came to see me twice and never called me to let me know what was going on with our child. He was with our child. Our baby had a hole in his lung and had to have a chest tube put in just minutes after his birth. It would have been great to have had him to call me with some form of information on our child. The not knowing what was going on and not being able to be there is very hard on a new mother while her hormones are still running wild just after the birth.

There are so many both ups and downs in a marriage when there is only one person that you can share what is happening in your life. Only one person you want to turn to. Yet that person CANNOT share their emotions. They hold them all in and when I would try to share my down times I am faced with anger. The anger he felt for the situation or the person that caused the problem. I then had to tryi to calm him down when all I really wanted was for him to listen, most of the time I had already solved the problem and just wanted to be able to vent. I quickly learned not to share to hold it all in because it was not worth dealing with his reactions.

As time in the marriage went from one year to the next you start to learn to internalize all of you hurt and disappointments. After years of unresolved hurts and lack of sharing it breaks down the elements of a relationship and turns it into a relationship of a co-inhabitant. I did not marry just to have a ROOM MATE I married to have a PARTNER.

As you can tell from most of the above it is not all about sex it is about closeness.

We have been married now for 40+ years but I did not know about asexuality until two years ago. Finding this site has been both a blessing and a curse.

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Lady Girl

Reading the posts by Percivel and Down has made me realize how fortunate I am to have a partner that is definitely able to give me the feeling of closeness that I desire. He is the person I always turn to and even if his response isn't initially what I need or want, it ultimately is...we have both had to apologize to each other for not just listening and being supportive. We might not talk much about the sexual disparity in our relationship (we don't need to, it's been hashed and rehashed pretty much to death, we know it and what it is), but we definitely talk about everything else and share the entirety of our lives with each other.

For me, the hardest thing was (and sometimes still is) self pity.

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Percivel

I know some don't like talking (or reading) about these very emotionally sad thoughts and feelings, but I'm finding it helpful to me at this point so I can target what I am experiencing and do something about alleviating them...so I can love my ace better. Ignoring, blocking out, pretending they don't exist, or just "dealing with them" only helps me a little bit. In order to love my wife best I feel I must identify what I'm feeling/thinking and why I am feeling/thinking them. Then, do my best in changing those thoughts and feelings. When I am happy and loving, my wife is happy and loving.

I guess during my darkest of nights it is loneliness that strikes hardest. The feelings of rejection cause more lonely feelings. When that is mixed with a good portion of self-pity my brain and heart become toxic. Throw in feelings of helplessness (having no control over the intimacy and what I''m feeling) and the disappointment of unmet expectations and before I know it...I am dealing with a tornado inside me. I'm not yet sure exactly what goes through my head when my negative feelings and thoughts are building prior to that point.

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Down in Texas

For me the bad times now are triggered by SPECIAL MOMENTS OR MEMORIES ! I want him to remember SPECIAL MOMENTS. Yet I know he won't and it hurts that he doesn't.

The Birth of our children, Birthdays MINE or my Husbands, Anniversaries, New Years, Out of Town trips (nights in a motel). These are just some of MY TRIGGERS that make me want the intimacy the most. Other times hit out of the Blue for most females the time of the month in the middle of their Monthly cycle when they are the most fertile ( these hormonal desires cannot be stopped for a sexual but can be controlled). Other times for me are spontaneous. It could be a song (my husband and I LOVE to dance some songs make me very sexually aroused), a certain smell (certain cologne).

I know my TRIGGERS but LIFE does not stop or skip these dates. So we ME/I just have to learn to not expect him to REMEMBER (he just does not remember dates nor sexual triggers they are not placed in his brains sexual desires memory).

The thing I have noticed with MY Gray A is his brain simply DOES NOT categorize anything sexual. He has told me more than once he does not know how to initiate sex and he can only remember two prior sexual sessions the oldest is five years ago yet we have been married for over 40 years. I on the other hand remember almost all of our sexual encounters especially when our children were conceived and other times that he was more passionate than others. Where I can remember not only the sex but the place and time of day even down to how and what was done that made it more memorable than some of the others. Yet sex is just not placed in his memory area of the brain.

I have tried in the past telling him to remember certain sexual things while making love hoping to trigger a more passionate response. Yet I have learned through the years that I must be very descriptive if I hope to get anywhere near the response I am hoping for.

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Percivel

Expectations. I was thinking today that maybe one of the keys may be expectations. Lady Girl said something about it a couple of times. I'm thinking that if I change my expectations....somehow to where I actually believe them...then maybe that will help. I used to love playing softball. I thought I would never stop playing until I was dead. When the aches and pains crept in as I got older, playing the game was no longer worth it. My expectations changed and that was okay.

I was also thinking that I need to catch myself as soon as I start thinking or feeling negative and sad. And then change them somehow. Last year I went to the dentist because I thought I had a tooth problem. My dentist found nothing wrong but said my teeth must be sensitive and that I should brush softly and use sensitive toothpaste. The nurse then told me that grinding your teeth can cause sensitive teeth. Well, I didn't grind my teeth. About two months later I caught myself clenching my teeth. I discovered I clench my teeth when I'm tense. Now I try to catch myself when I'm doing it and I make an effort to stop. Now my teeth feel better.

My comparisons aren't on par with love and marriage but anything that might help is worth a try. If we choose to stay with our spouses we must keep trying. I might except being miserable half the time but I cannot ask my wife to do the same. Her happiness is directly related to my happiness...and vice versa.

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