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Iloveyou0410

sick of being the only one

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Iloveyou0410

I'm tired of being the only one in my relationship that actually tries. instead of trying you just promise you will. and never do. worst of all i don't think you even bother because i have yet to even do anything about it at all. what do i do? i just sit here and cry at night. I'm so sick and tired of broke promises. sick of the hurt. tired of you not caring if I'm hurt. or taking my feeling in to account. not that any one else dose. i need to grow a back bone. i just want to disappear. hide from the world. I'm tired of you shutting me out telling me your "working on your self" its been almost a year. there's no change. the only compromise you suck to was sex twice a month. you ditched everything else. i try to tell you what would help me little things. nothing big. you say you will try. of-course you don't. i know i don't deserve this. I'm a good person. i try harder then you. i try for the both of us.so much for a marriage being a two way street. you don't even come on here anymore. you did for a month. but god knows you can get on all your forums for rats and bearded dragons. every day you come in the room see your rats call them beautiful and stuff. i don't even remember the last time you said that to me. its so stupid that I'm jealous of them. but man i just want to feel special for once. you fix, is telling me i can another girlfriend. but i don't want one. i want you. tomorrow is are 1 year anniversary of marriage. cant you show me a little that your actually happy with it. don't snap at me when i tell you how i feel. it toke me so long to trust you enough to let you know whats bothering me. but you threw that away. instead of helping me. your mad. stop looking past me. and see me. the hurt. the sadness i feel. when you push me away physically and mentally. because there will be a time when i stop trying and i throw the towel in. kiss me like you used two. hug me. dont just walk away.how come you know there's times i lay next to you and cry and you just ignore me?do i really mean that little to you? i know I'm trying to hide. but if you know why cant you just tell me everything is okay. i hate that i have to straight up ask you if sex is on the table tonight. why cant you just let me turn you on once in awhile. i hate that I'm to scared to try most night. because the rejections just to much now. you asked my sister how to be romantic. your idea for are one year wedding anniversary, dinner and a movie. you know i cant stand a movie as a date. i hate that you told me that half the time you have sex with me because its been a few weeks and I'm getting cranky. i try so hard to not bug you about it. but that hurt. that sucked knowing that was your reason. that really turns me on. i want to spend time snuggling. you would rather surf the net. i want to hug, you huff. i want to watch a show i actually mildly like. no not good enough....thanks for letting me get that out.

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trapped.within.limbo

I don't have anything useful to say, but you certainly have my sympathy.

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Dwaynesha

It sounds like you're in a shit relationship and you know it.

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Iloveyou0410

pretty nuch


much*

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Lady Girl

I'm also sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I wish there was something I could say to help, but I don't think there is.

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Iloveyou0410

thank you. i just needed to vent for a minute. it was late here and i was stewing about it.

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NoLongerActiveHere

You're strong for letting that all out.

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Skullery Maid

I guess my only advice is what you already know.

1. The whole "see my pain" thing isn't helpful. Surely they know your pain, and guilt trips aren't going to cure asexuality, its just going to make sex less frequent and make you both miserable.

2. The whole "I'm trying harder" thing... also not helpful, because both of you are fighting against internal feelings. There's no scoreboard, there's no calibration available to compare how much work it takes to cuddle for one person vs how much work it takes to not have sex for the other. There are no units of measurement.

3. Your partner told you the truth. They have sex to stop you from complaining. You rewarded their truth by attacking them for it. If I were your partner, I wouldn't want to talk to you either, if anything that I say that isn't exactly what you want to hear sends you into a tailspin.

4. Codependence is essentially when you make your partner's actions solely responsible for your feelings. You are the ONLY person who can be responsible for your feelings. Your partner needs to be free to love their rats, and play games, and surf the internet without it being made about you.

5. Stop and take a look at both of you. If you just walked into the scene, would you want to hang out with you right now? What would you think of the relationship dynamic if you met both of you for the first time today?

6. Sounds like your partner is being open about their feelings and offered an open relationship as a pressure release. Barring a sudden change in sexual orientation, what changes would you like to see that you think are possible and practical?

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RMBooknerd

I can feel your pain. I've been married for quite a few years to someone who is mostly uninterested in sex. It can work, but you have to work on the relationship as a whole, not just the sexual part.

You said you were just venting, if you would like me to share some of the things I did to make our relationship work better, I'd be happy to, but I'm also happy to just tell you that I've been there and it sucks.

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Down in Texas

If it helps I have been there myself. There were many nights that I would lay there beside my partner and cry however he never knew I was upset. There were times he knew I was not in the bed. He knew that I was upset when I left but he rarely ever came after me. When he did he was short and grumpy and usually just said come back to bed. He rarely ever was compassionate. He simply does not know how to show compassion. I have often said he is like a sponge he soaks up all the attention and affection I give him but he never knows how to give it back.

All I can say is you are not alone most of us have had moments just like you described. That is why we searched for answers that lead us to this site. I have been looking for answers for years reading book after book however it was not until I found AVEN that I found the answers that finally put all the pieces together and answered the questions I had been looking for. Unfortanutly they were not what I had wanted to hear. However they explained all of the behavior and lack of affection that started as soon as we were married. It was as if the chase was over he no longer had to pursue me he now officially had me.

We can not tell you what to do. Not can we promise a cure for there is no cure. The main thing you must understand is there is nothing wrong with them and there is nothing wrong with us. We are who we are and they are who they are by no ones choice. In most cases they do not know they are hurting us unless we show signs of hurt. Even if we have told them what hurts us mine seems to forget until allof a sudden and then tries to make amends.

I wish you both understanding of each other.

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Sally

I guess my only advice is what you already know.

1. The whole "see my pain" thing isn't helpful. Surely they know your pain, and guilt trips aren't going to cure asexuality, its just going to make sex less frequent and make you both miserable.

2. The whole "I'm trying harder" thing... also not helpful, because both of you are fighting against internal feelings. There's no scoreboard, there's no calibration available to compare how much work it takes to cuddle for one person vs how much work it takes to not have sex for the other. There are no units of measurement.

3. Your partner told you the truth. They have sex to stop you from complaining. You rewarded their truth by attacking them for it. If I were your partner, I wouldn't want to talk to you either, if anything that I say that isn't exactly what you want to hear sends you into a tailspin.

4. Codependence is essentially when you make your partner's actions solely responsible for your feelings. You are the ONLY person who can be responsible for your feelings. Your partner needs to be free to love their rats, and play games, and surf the internet without it being made about you.

5. Stop and take a look at both of you. If you just walked into the scene, would you want to hang out with you right now? What would you think of the relationship dynamic if you met both of you for the first time today?

6. Sounds like your partner is being open about their feelings and offered an open relationship as a pressure release. Barring a sudden change in sexual orientation, what changes would you like to see that you think are possible and practical?

That is a fantastically realistic description, Skullery. Every bit of it rings true to me as an asexual.

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hugger

.

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Iloveyou0410

This isn't just about sex. I know there's is more to a relation ship then that. It's about a lot of stuff.at I ment by see my pain was was out everything when I get upset about the way anything is she just always thinks I'm pissy it's like the only emotion I have. I am trying harder. She will even admit to it. She told me that she want trying that there is no point because she don't see anydirrfen outcome. I didn't attack her I just told her that I didn't want to have sex if it's just because she thinks I'm grumpy that's not what it's about for me. It's not about just getting off. She's the only person I has be been with, because I always beloved sex is something special you only share with some one you really love.she isn't open about her feelings. She tells that she just needs time or she's working on it.

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Down in Texas

.she isn't open about her feelings. She tells that she just needs time or she's working on it.

I have been married to my Gray A for over forty years. Before I found AVEN I use to always tell my husband to talk to me tell me what he wanted, what I was doing wrong, what I was doing he didn't like, what did he need in order to get turned on ect. Question after question was always answered the same way. That I did not do anything wrong and He did not know what he needed, wanted or liked. For years I continued to try to get him to reply with something that made sence to me.

The problem with this thinking I later learned after finding AVEN was that HE DID NOT KNOW.

I learned that MY Asexuals brain functions differently than mine. My Husband can not be expected to be able to tell me what HE does not understand. It would be the same as taking a person off of the street and putting them in a Doctors Surgery Room and expect them to do Surgery on a person with out having any knowledge on how to use the instruments or knowing where in the human body to find the proper part to work on.

If you do not experience arousal, desire or the need or want for sexual pleasure you can not explane to someone what you need. They do not know what they need. Their brains simply do not function in the same way as a sexuals. We have an unspoken need that drives us to not just want sex but to want all that goes with it, in most cases.

Even after forty years of marriage I still have to guide my partner to do what it is I like and how I like it done. He has no memory of the sex we have had in the past. Where I remember almost every union and for me each ones pleasure adds to the antisapation of the next. I call it the snowball effect, just as a snowball gains size and speed as it goes down a hill, so does MY desire. For ME each sexual session has memories of the past. However my Gray A Partner has NONE of those memories to build upon. For him each sexual session must start and end on its own merit.

So believe your partner when they tell you they do not know what to say or how to say it they are telling you the truth.

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Iloveyou0410

She does get aroused. She's always like I would let blank bend me over a table (that's are saying for like celebrity's or hot people we think are hot.) so it confuses me more.i want to be understanding. I didn't know this going in but having a higher sex drive is a symptom of bipolar witch I have. So it makes for a defucult mix.

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Percivel

.she isn't open about her feelings. She tells that she just needs time or she's working on it.

I have been married to my Gray A for over forty years. Before I found AVEN I use to always tell my husband to talk to me tell me what he wanted, what I was doing wrong, what I was doing he didn't like, what did he need in order to get turned on ect. Question after question was always answered the same way. That I did not do anything wrong and He did not know what he needed, wanted or liked. For years I continued to try to get him to reply with something that made sence to me.

The problem with this thinking I later learned after finding AVEN was that HE DID NOT KNOW.

I learned that MY Asexuals brain functions differently than mine. My Husband can not be expected to be able to tell me what HE does not understand. It would be the same as taking a person off of the street and putting them in a Doctors Surgery Room and expect them to do Surgery on a person with out having any knowledge on how to use the instruments or knowing where in the human body to find the proper part to work on.

If you do not experience arousal, desire or the need or want for sexual pleasure you can not explane to someone what you need. They do not know what they need. Their brains simply do not function in the same way as a sexuals. We have an unspoken need that drives us to not just want sex but to want all that goes with it, in most cases.

Even after forty years of marriage I still have to guide my partner to do what it is I like and how I like it done. He has no memory of the sex we have had in the past. Where I remember almost every union and for me each ones pleasure adds to the antisapation of the next. I call it the snowball effect, just as a snowball gains size and speed as it goes down a hill, so does MY desire. For ME each sexual session has memories of the past. However my Gray A Partner has NONE of those memories to build upon. For him each sexual session must start and end on its own merit.

So believe your partner when they tell you they do not know what to say or how to say it they are telling you the truth.

This is very interesting as my wife is very similar in having little sexual memory. My ace, however, gets perturbed when I try to tell/show her what I want...even with simple things like moving her hand from one place to another. I don' understand this.

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Down in Texas

[quote

This is very interesting as my wife is very similar in having little sexual memory. My ace, however, gets perturbed when I try to tell/show her what I want...even with simple things like moving her hand from one place to another. I don' understand this.

After all these years (40+) and talk after talk and finally in the last couple of years he has finally started to explane bits and pieces (if caught in the right mood not a pleasant mood but an emotional one that I don't enjoy going to). He has told me and I want to say this is HIS FEELINGS that by me moving his hand or touching him gently on the forehead while kissing ( he has had to have all his teeth pulled and when he kisses to HARD he seals off my nose and I can't breath). So I touch his forehead with the tip of my finger. He has come to understand now but at first it was as if I was rejecting his degree of longing. For him the harder he pushes the more it means he wants me. Also by directing the angle or place that he is touching me to HIM is a sign of not excepting what he is offering that it is not good enough. I have tried to explane (before AVEN) that I KNOW how he likes to be touched and when to increase or decrease pressure WHY couldn't he remember what it was I liked? Since finding AVEN I now know the memory of SEX is just NOT there for him.

In doing some deep thinking since AVEN it is MY and I stress MY belief that as humans we retain what WE deem important in LIFE. What I mean is we remember what we need for survival! It may be work, paying bills, what food we enjoy eating and what we don't like the taste of. If we as sexuals enjoy sex we remember what parts we enjoy and what parts are not as exciting or pleasurable. However as an asexual sex is not one of the things they enjoy thus in MY deep thinking they have trouble remembering what is to them not enjoyable, it never hits the place in the brain for them that makes it a necessity or something that needs to be placed in that special part of the brain of REDO'S.

Just my opinion

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Lady Girl

My husband doesn't have that "memory problem". In our experience, we both made suggestions to each other that were met with varying degrees of acceptance on both parts. What I noticed the most was that he seems sort of removed from the situation at times and has a real issue with maintaining any kind of consistency regarding frequency...it rarely "just happened". It always seemed like he had to gear up for it (prepare himself, so to say). As far as remembering what works or what is pleasant, he does.

I'm having a real problem lately deciding which tense to use. He says we aren't done with sex, but I feel we very well might be.

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Iloveyou0410

Are any of you guys in an open reflationship? I have a few quistions, like is wrong for me not want her to be in one? On some levels I do want another person to have sex with and other stuff. But I don't want that for her. I feel like if she did that would really make it me she told me I could but we never fully talked about it.

I don't think she has a problem with sex memory thing. She tells me about her other sex partners she's had in the past.

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Sally
Lady Girl, on 21 Jan 2014 - 11:15 AM, said:

It always seemed like he had to gear up for it (prepare himself, so to say).

That's pretty much how I felt as an asexual. Since I wasn't interested in it for myself, I had to tell myself "X needs this, I should do it." For an asexual, sex just isn't a natural thing to do.

I think that goes back to the difference in a mixed marriage. Neither partner is going to change how the other feels, so they both have to take responsibility for their own feelings or lack thereof, and make decisions based on them.

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*Judy*

It's important for me to memorize what my partners needs sexually and in general are. I like learning about it.To me all of this is a sign I care about him and really love him (because why should I care about sexual needs that others have?) Concerning sexual things, I need preparation too, at least if my partner wants me to interact with him and not "just" pleasuring him. To be honest I hate the moment when he is like: "I want to you to want it too." and then I know if I don't get in the mood he won't enjoy one single thing I do to him... this feels so awful...

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Lady Girl

Are any of you guys in an open reflationship? I have a few quistions, like is wrong for me not want her to be in one? On some levels I do want another person to have sex with and other stuff. But I don't want that for her. I feel like if she did that would really make it me she told me I could but we never fully talked about it.

I don't think she has a problem with sex memory thing. She tells me about her other sex partners she's had in the past.

I'm not, but I can understand your feelings. It's kind of like you want something that she doesn't supply, but if she were to go elsewhere you might think, "why?...I would give that to you, almost anytime."

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Iloveyou0410

i think if she went else where it would pretty much in my eyes her saying it is you. she can get in to on her own. and some times she cant.

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Percivel

A big part of the agony for me is that the lack of sex/intimacy often creates thoughts in my head that my wife does not care about me or my needs. That's the really hard part. That's what puts me in the dumper. It's hard to fight those thoughts, mentally. Makes me feel terribly alone and rejected. My sexual appetite is pretty much under control.

Since I don't make any advances (been turned down too many times) and not wanting my wife do something she finds quite distasteful, I rely totally on her to initiate. I like a lot what Judy stated above and feel, in my head, that's how my wife should be....giving more effort. When sex is not very good (tablescrap sex) it doesn't do a lot for me because there seems to be no effort on her part and what I really need is sexual intimacy and her showing that she cares.....and not just to (get off)

The times when my wife shows she cares...our sex is more intimate, unifying and joyful.

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Iloveyou0410

Precivel that's how I feel two you but you put in better words.

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Lady Girl

Since I don't make any advances (been turned down too many times) and not wanting my wife do something she finds quite distasteful, I rely totally on her to initiate. I like a lot what Judy stated above and feel, in my head, that's how my wife should be....giving more effort. When sex is not very good (tablescrap sex) it doesn't do a lot for me because there seems to be no effort on her part and what I really need is sexual intimacy and her showing that she cares.....and not just to (get off)

The times when my wife shows she cares...our sex is more intimate, unifying and joyful.

I think it's really hard for us to know how much effort it takes for asexual people to compromise with a sexual partner (and I'm sure it's different for each person and perhaps even from one occasion to the next). I also think there could be two kinds of effort asexual people might be faced with at times...the effort to just plain do something they might really prefer not to do at all (as in, never again), and then an additional effort to show enthusiasm. That seems like a really, really tall order to me.

Is it possible that the times she's not "showing that she cares" are really the times that it took the most effort on her part and she did it for you because she cares more than you realize? Maybe it took a lot of effort just to have sex, so much in fact, that there was none left for showing an enthusiasm that she doesn't feel.

I fear that sometimes sexual people not only want their asexual partner to compromise (which I consider a legitimate request), but they want a certain amount of enthusiasm too or it's not good enough. I obviously don't like the phrase "table-scrap" sex. It makes me feel like the offering was deemed worthless and relegated to the trash heap because expectations of the sexual person weren't met. I think sexual couples have less than satisfying encounters at times...I wonder if they think it's scrap sex too, maybe they do.

It seems like what Sally says about sex for many mixed couples is true...sex isn't good enough for the sexual partner, they want their asexual partner or spouse to want to have sex with them. That's really the bigger issue sometimes it seems.

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caffeine

I fear that sometimes sexual people not only want their asexual partner to compromise (which I consider a legitimate request), but they want a certain amount of enthusiasm too or it's not good enough. I obviously don't like the phrase "table-scrap" sex. It makes me feel like the offering was deemed worthless and relegated to the trash heap because expectations of the sexual person weren't met. I think sexual couples have less than satisfying encounters at times...I wonder if they think it's scrap sex too, maybe they do.

It seems like what Sally says about sex for many mixed couples is true...sex isn't good enough for the sexual partner, they want their asexual partner or spouse to want to have sex with them. That's really the bigger issue sometimes it seems.

This. And from asexual perspective (well, mine at least, grey as it is) it could be the more difficult one to deal with. As I've mentioned before - sex can be totally OK. And I can do my best to find enjoyment in it, both for me and for my partner. But every time when my emotional rseponse (pre- and post-sex) is not at the level that is expected/normal for a sexual person, I get an emotional backlash. It's the thing that makes me even more apprehensive than the sexual advances themselves.

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Silencer
I'm a good person.

I already don't believe u. People that say about themselves that they are good, they don't see their own problems. So u are good and the other one is bad ? Pls stop...

Skullery Maid gave you the best response out here. Read it again, and get on with it.

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Lady Girl

I'm a good person.

I already don't believe u. People that say about themselves that they are good, they don't see their own problems. So u are good and the other one is bad ? Pls stop...

Skullery Maid gave you the best response out here. Read it again, and get on with it.

I don't think that is what the OP meant when they said that. Often when sexual partners come here, they are hurting and are struggling with feelings of inadequacy...they wonder what is happening in an otherwise good relationship. Based on the entire post, they are feeling this way.

We need to be sure to give both sexuals and asexuals as much support as we can. It may be that the sexual partner doesn't want to face responsibility for their own feelings, but to say we don't believe they are a good person probably isn't actually helpful.

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Skullery Maid

I was in an open relationship for years. Different people handle it differently. I had one gf who insisted that we tell each other whenever we were with someone else. I hated that. My ex and I were open for about 4 years, and were free to do what we wanted, with the understanding that we were the primary relationship, but we didn't disclose details. I far preferred that arrangement. Even though I knew it was fine for her to be with other people, hearing about it was really hard, and I don't feel like there's a good enough reason to put myself through that turmoil, so I opted for ignorance.

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