Frequency and Other Issues in Sexual Compromises

[Lady Girl]

For the most part, I wanted sex even when I was sick. Right after I had my appendix removed was one exception to that. Apparently, there is some kind of pain level that has to be reached before I am unwilling to have sex...

[Guest]

For the most part, I wanted sex even when I was sick. Right after I had my appendix removed was one exception to that. Apparently, there is some kind of pain level that has to be reached before I am unwilling to have sex...

Me too. I have to be pretty messed up before I don't want sex. But, I certainly understand why someone else wouldn't want to if they weren't feeling well.

[Percivel]

The feelings of contentment and love being unmatched after love making doesn't stand true for me...although I know it does for a lot of sexual people. Pretty much any joyful interaction (particularly a good laugh that brings me to tears) with my partner feels unmatched, because it's with him. I feel really fortunate that I can connect with him in different ways, feel his love for me and love him back outside of sexual interaction...it's totally comparable.

I find it is difficult to feel this way (the soup analogy) with an ace spouse who really doesn't want to do sex/passion/intimacy to begin with. I'm mostly referring to when both partners are into it. As spouses of aces, we are forced to seek this intimacy and joy in other ways with our partners. It is one of our great challenges. You are fortunate to have gotten there, Lady. I am still climbing the mountain.

[Lady Girl]

The feelings of contentment and love being unmatched after love making doesn't stand true for me...although I know it does for a lot of sexual people. Pretty much any joyful interaction (particularly a good laugh that brings me to tears) with my partner feels unmatched, because it's with him. I feel really fortunate that I can connect with him in different ways, feel his love for me and love him back outside of sexual interaction...it's totally comparable.

I find it is difficult to feel this way (the soup analogy) with an ace spouse who really doesn't want to do sex/passion/intimacy to begin with. I'm mostly referring to when both partners are into it. As spouses of aces, we are forced to seek this intimacy and joy in other ways with our partners. It is one of our great challenges. You are fortunate to have gotten there, Lady. I am still climbing the mountain.

I don't think it's so much a mountain I climbed, it's just that we are on a road together and I don't seem to be tripping and falling down in a heap of tears every few yards because I don't get sex right now. As a spouse of an ace, I think I'm fortunate that we have some kind of chemistry that's really fulfilling outside of the sexual realm...I didn't really seek it out, it was always there.

I suppose I think the biggest challenge we sexual partners face is a kind of consistency. Do we truly accept who they are, or do we fall apart when we can't accept who we wish they would be at the times we want sex? Don't get me wrong...I'm allowed to be sad and tell him. We are both trying to help each other when we feel bad about it, but as for the joyful intimate moments, they really were always there and plenty of them.

To be honest, I think it helps me that we split up for awhile and lived apart. I had a short term very sexual partner. None of it was as fulfilling as being with him. I've also changed my mind about sex being a mutually gratifying and 'giving' moment...it's not if the other person doesn't want it. At that point, it does become a selfish act.

[Down in Texas]

I am asking mainly because my partner doesn't seem to understand how not feeling well could make someone not want sex. Like, when he has a cold, he wants sex. When he has a headache he wants sex. It makes him feel better. But, given the lack of sex when someone is sick even makes it onto sitcoms, I was curious if people here were like him and are used to having sex no matter what (his female partner on her period, both sick with a cold, headaches, whatever) or if it was more a "Oh yeah, even if I am sick I don't want it" kinda thing. I get everyone is going to vary, of course.

I being the sexual female in our partnership and married to a Grey A can only tell you about myself. In my earlier post I told you of how I was willing to not press my partner for sex when he felt sick, hurt or overly tired. I seemed to have misunderstood your question it seems. So I will try to answer as best as I can if I understand and reverse the circumstances.

Yes I still want sex when I am sick, yes I still want sex when I hurt and yes I still want sex when I am tired or upset.

Possible TMI

All I can offer are my life experiences as proof.

Six weeks after we were married we were in a fairly severe car accident and totaled my New Mustang. Remember I said we had only been married SIX weeks. I was a virgin going in to this marriage and I had just discovered just how much I really enjoyed sex. While my injuries were to my head, neck and all over body aches. He on the other hand had hurt his knee, his hip and his forehead was cut from hitting the windshield. He needed surgery to repair his knee which then required weeks of healing. During this time it was hard for him to get in and out of bed at first, so I ask his mother for a quart jar and held it while he relieved himself. Yes I know his KNEE was hurt but I did not think that his injuries would have stopped All his longing for me. Handling his penis so he could relieve himself would turn me on, yet I made no advances mostly because we were recuperating in his parents home and having just been married for such a short time I did not think it was appropriate. I would wait until night time once he was on the mend and stroke him and reach for his penis only to be stopped and even got snapped at when I tried to kiss him passionately. We were also given the boys room which had two twin beds instead of the other empty room that had a double bed in it. I was not even allowed to lie beside him. This was my second big sign that something was not right. It was also the beginning of my migraines.

I had my first migraine while in the hospital after his surgery. It seems the wreck left me with the joy of dealing with migraines for years. I learned that sex during a migraine relieved some of the pain and intensity of the head ache at least while we were having sex and for a short time after. I can honestly say I only refused my husband sex once in our marriage and the only reason I did it was so he would know how it felt to be rejected. You would have thought I had committed some grave sin, it was then that I told him HOW does it feel! However that was a short term memory on his part because it did not seem to stop or slow down his rejections of my advances. I can honestly say it is the one and only time I ever turned him down though he can not say the same.

My husband refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant once he could feel the bulge of the baby between us. My second pregnancy was twins so the bulge began quite early. Even though the doctor said it would not hurt me or the babies and was actually good and he would tell us when it was no longer safe, my husband would not touch me. I begged for sex and was occasionally able to persuade him to allow me to have sex a few times once I showed him he would not harm the babies if no pressure was put on them. Once they were born and the delivery was extremely harsh on my body. The first was born full breech butt first and tore me badly, she weighed 7 lbs.4 oz. and the next one was 8 lbs. 1 oz.. As any of you that have had children know you are not supposed to have sex until after your six weeks checkup. I popped two stiches three weeks after delivery because I needed sex so badly.

One of the times I want sex the most, through the years, has always been if I had a really trying day when the children were young or when I am upset. I am going through one of those periods now. My mother is not an easy person to deal with and has been legitimately sick. I stayed with her for ten days in the hospital only leaving to get something to eat once a day. Then stayed with her for another week once she was released, she is still not fully recovered but I could no longer stay with her (she was pushing me beyond my limits). Just for clarification we only live .3 of a mile from her and it is not that I dont check on her I just could no longer stay under the same roof and be at her beckoned call 24/7. She has always been good at milking an illness and my father was able to pull her out of them but he is no longer with us. He passed away in 91 and now things are even worse. I told my husband yesterday I sure could use a good screw and he just laughed. Needless to say I did not get one and really didnt expect to anymore. I have just about given up on sex he holds all the cards now no matter how badly I wish it were different.

I also learned that some of the best sex ever was while I was on my period. Two or three days into my period when things were no longer messy and I was still very sensitive were some of the best sex I ever had. It was then that my husband could push through my cervix and the feeling was in no other words blissful. There was no feeling as good for me as when he was that deeply inside me. To feel the head of his penis tug slightly as he stroked and then when he came to feel every pulse of his penis as he unloaded was the ultimate sexual experience. It is the only regret I have at having to have a hysterectomy.

These are just a few of my examples of my need for sex and to what degrees I would withstand in order to have sex and how strong my need for sex was. I hope this will shed some light on sexual needs of some sexuals not only men need sex but some of us woman need it just as badly, it is just that we cant seem to get it as easily from an asexual spouse as easily as a sexual male can from an asexual female. (It is hard for us to get a mans penis hard if he is not interested where as a sexual man can use a woman if she is willing without the need for her to be aroused.) IN MY OPINION.

The thing I didn't make clear was that most of this was long before I learned about Asexuality and what I have learned on AVEN.

[Guest]

Hm. Thanks for the replies. :)

This one is really hard for me to relate to though, since there is literally NOTHING I want to do so badly I will happily do it while sick or in pain. I mean, I will work when I am sick because I have to but to want to ... eh. I'd much rather l lay in bed under blankets warm and toasty and not even eat if I am not feeling well, just doze. :lol: The boyfriend would rather have sex to make himself feel better. Which, basically became something like this when we both ended up getting a cold or something (before we started talking about asexuality and he started trying to get the not liking sex thing):

"Hey, we can't make each other sick anymore, lets have sex!"
"No, go away."

"But it'll make you feel better."

"No, it will make me feel worse."

"How can sex make you feel worse when you're sick?"
"Movement makes my headache worse, my nose is stuffier if I am moving around vs laying in one position, it makes me cough more, etc."

"Sex helps headaches!"

"Not mine. Go away."

:lol:

[Lady Girl]

Well, maybe it's kind of like a favorite hobby. When Mr. LG has a headache he puts an ice pack on his head and sits back down with his Nook! :lol:

I think it's kind of like what Down was saying, something that makes you feel good can take your mind off of the pain for awhile (whether it's physical or emotional pain). Like I said though, there's a point when you know it won't help or alleviate how bad you feel and that applies to emotional pain as well...

[Down in Texas]

Hm. Thanks for the replies. :)

This one is really hard for me to relate to though, since there is literally NOTHING I want to do so badly I will happily do it while sick or in pain. I mean, I will work when I am sick because I have to but to want to ... eh. I'd much rather l lay in bed under blankets warm and toasty and not even eat if I am not feeling well, just doze. :lol: The boyfriend would rather have sex to make himself feel better. Which, basically became something like this when we both ended up getting a cold or something (before we started talking about asexuality and he started trying to get the not liking sex thing):

"Hey, we can't make each other sick anymore, lets have sex!"

"No, go away."

"But it'll make you feel better."

"No, it will make me feel worse."

"How can sex make you feel worse when you're sick?"

"Movement makes my headache worse, my nose is stuffier if I am moving around vs laying in one position, it makes me cough more, etc."

"Sex helps headaches!"

"Not mine. Go away."

:lol:

Serran please understand I did not write my reply in order to give your partner permission to make you have sex when you are sick. If you will remember my first reply to you was how I never made my husband have sex when he was not feeling well or when he was tired or hurt.

My second reply was in clarification to your question and is only made to show how much I enjoy sex and what I will endure to be able to enjoy it.

I also must say that things have changed drastically in the past 20 years and sex is no longer as pleasurable as it use to be. My husbands lack of desire and my finding AVEN have changed a lot in my sex life.

How I wish books had a rating on validity. Out of all of the books I read it only took one book to change my world. AVEN clarified my world but one book distorted it.

Serran I once again would like to say please do not take what I posted as a sign that you need to accept sex when you are sick or if it hurts you that is not why I wrote what I did. I just answered your question as to how much a sexual likes sex.

[Guest]

Don't worry, I don't do stuff I don't want to do ;) He's had to learn to accept sex is way less likely if I am not feeling well. He's also had to accept I may be cranky if I am ill. :lol:

I just really can't relate to this one at all. I can get needing sex, because there are many things I need and while that is not one of them, I can think of it in those terms. Wanting it when you have a splitting headache though, that one I think will have to remain a mystery! But, apparently pretty common among sexuals to want sex even if you're ill.

LG: Haha I love to read, but it makes my head hurt worse when I have a headache :( I'm usually sitting around with my eyes closed cause the light hurts until it goes away. Yay for e-readers though, much easier to grab a nook than search through your book shelf for something to read.

[Down in Texas]

Just for further clarification I do not have sex during the worst of my migraines. When a migraine last three to four days there are, for me, pecks and valleys it is during the not so intense times that I am speaking off. When the migraine has you hugging the toilet or when both ends are running at the same time from the pain NO I am not interested in sex. Turn off the lights and leave me alone!! However when coming off of the bad debilitating headache (for me) I enjoyed the comfort of a nice slow sexual session to feel alive again. My partner is not good at showing compassion nor did he offer any help in dealing with the headaches. I guess it was my way of getting the human contact I felt I needed and didn't receive while I was down with the head aches. If that makes any sense.

[trapped.within.limbo]

I am asking mainly because my partner doesn't seem to understand how not feeling well could make someone not want sex. Like, when he has a cold, he wants sex. When he has a headache he wants sex. It makes him feel better. But, given the lack of sex when someone is sick even makes it onto sitcoms, I was curious if people here were like him and are used to having sex no matter what (his female partner on her period, both sick with a cold, headaches, whatever) or if it was more a "Oh yeah, even if I am sick I don't want it" kinda thing. I get everyone is going to vary, of course.

I being the sexual female in our partnership and married to a Grey A can only tell you about myself. In my earlier post I told you of how I was willing to not press my partner for sex when he felt sick, hurt or overly tired. I seemed to have misunderstood your question it seems. So I will try to answer as best as I can if I understand and reverse the circumstances.Yes I still want sex when I am sick, yes I still want sex when I hurt and yes I still want sex when I am tired or upset.Possible TMIAll I can offer are my life experiences as proof.Six weeks after we were married we were in a fairly severe car accident and totaled my New Mustang. Remember I said we had only been married SIX weeks. I was a virgin going in to this marriage and I had just discovered just how much I really enjoyed sex. While my injuries were to my head, neck and all over body aches. He on the other hand had hurt his knee, his hip and his forehead was cut from hitting the windshield. He needed surgery to repair his knee which then required weeks of healing. During this time it was hard for him to get in and out of bed at first, so I ask his mother for a quart jar and held it while he relieved himself. Yes I know his KNEE was hurt but I did not think that his injuries would have stopped All his longing for me. Handling his penis so he could relieve himself would turn me on, yet I made no advances mostly because we were recuperating in his parents home and having just been married for such a short time I did not think it was appropriate. I would wait until night time once he was on the mend and stroke him and reach for his penis only to be stopped and even got snapped at when I tried to kiss him passionately. We were also given the boys room which had two twin beds instead of the other empty room that had a double bed in it. I was not even allowed to lie beside him. This was my second big sign that something was not right. It was also the beginning of my migraines.I had my first migraine while in the hospital after his surgery. It seems the wreck left me with the joy of dealing with migraines for years. I learned that sex during a migraine relieved some of the pain and intensity of the head ache at least while we were having sex and for a short time after. I can honestly say I only refused my husband sex once in our marriage and the only reason I did it was so he would know how it felt to be rejected. You would have thought I had committed some grave sin, it was then that I told him HOW does it feel! However that was a short term memory on his part because it did not seem to stop or slow down his rejections of my advances. I can honestly say it is the one and only time I ever turned him down though he can not say the same.My husband refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant once he could feel the bulge of the baby between us. My second pregnancy was twins so the bulge began quite early. Even though the doctor said it would not hurt me or the babies and was actually good and he would tell us when it was no longer safe, my husband would not touch me. I begged for sex and was occasionally able to persuade him to allow me to have sex a few times once I showed him he would not harm the babies if no pressure was put on them. Once they were born and the delivery was extremely harsh on my body. The first was born full breech butt first and tore me badly, she weighed 7 lbs.4 oz. and the next one was 8 lbs. 1 oz.. As any of you that have had children know you are not supposed to have sex until after your six weeks checkup. I popped two stiches three weeks after delivery because I needed sex so badly.One of the times I want sex the most, through the years, has always been if I had a really trying day when the children were young or when I am upset. I am going through one of those periods now. My mother is not an easy person to deal with and has been legitimately sick. I stayed with her for ten days in the hospital only leaving to get something to eat once a day. Then stayed with her for another week once she was released, she is still not fully recovered but I could no longer stay with her (she was pushing me beyond my limits). Just for clarification we only live .3 of a mile from her and it is not that I dont check on her I just could no longer stay under the same roof and be at her beckoned call 24/7. She has always been good at milking an illness and my father was able to pull her out of them but he is no longer with us. He passed away in 91 and now things are even worse. I told my husband yesterday I sure could use a good screw and he just laughed. Needless to say I did not get one and really didnt expect to anymore. I have just about given up on sex he holds all the cards now no matter how badly I wish it were different.I also learned that some of the best sex ever was while I was on my period. Two or three days into my period when things were no longer messy and I was still very sensitive were some of the best sex I ever had. It was then that my husband could push through my cervix and the feeling was in no other words blissful. There was no feeling as good for me as when he was that deeply inside me. To feel the head of his penis tug slightly as he stroked and then when he came to feel every pulse of his penis as he unloaded was the ultimate sexual experience. It is the only regret I have at having to have a hysterectomy.These are just a few of my examples of my need for sex and to what degrees I would withstand in order to have sex and how strong my need for sex was. I hope this will shed some light on sexual needs of some sexuals not only men need sex but some of us woman need it just as badly, it is just that we cant seem to get it as easily from an asexual spouse as easily as a sexual male can from an asexual female. (It is hard for us to get a mans penis hard if he is not interested where as a sexual man can use a woman if she is willing without the need for her to be aroused.) IN MY OPINION.The thing I didn't make clear was that most of this was long before I learned about Asexuality and what I have learned on AVEN.

DiT, your post made me cry. Not in a bad way, just in a 'release' way.

The thing that really hit home was your phrase that you 'just need a good screw' followed up with your acknowledgement that 'he holds all the cards'.

My partner, my grey-a, holds all the cards. Sometimes the feeling can wash over you of utter powerlessness. There is no escape from it save for another partner, which I don't want! I love her so very deeply. I don't want to share my life with anyone else. We are incompatible on two levels; 1 - sex and 2 - I'm a depressive and she's not.

I wish you the very best of luck. The very best.

[Guest]

I just really can't relate to this one at all. I can get needing sex, because there are many things I need and while that is not one of them, I can think of it in those terms. Wanting it when you have a splitting headache though, that one I think will have to remain a mystery! But, apparently pretty common among sexuals to want sex even if you're ill.

I want to change my answer... I think maybe I forgot what being sick was like.

This past week our house got hit by the flu. My partner got it first (while we were on vacation for our anniversary, no less), and I got it the next day. for 3 nights I was feverish and achy and miserable and did not want sex in any way, shape, or form.

But, yesterday evening I felt better, made dinner and ate real food for the first time in days, and got a little handsy in bed, so apparently it comes back real quick. :)

[Guest]

I just really can't relate to this one at all. I can get needing sex, because there are many things I need and while that is not one of them, I can think of it in those terms. Wanting it when you have a splitting headache though, that one I think will have to remain a mystery! But, apparently pretty common among sexuals to want sex even if you're ill.

I want to change my answer... I think maybe I forgot what being sick was like.

This past week our house got hit by the flu. My partner got it first (while we were on vacation for our anniversary, no less), and I got it the next day. for 3 nights I was feverish and achy and miserable and did not want sex in any way, shape, or form.

But, yesterday evening I felt better, made dinner and ate real food for the first time in days, and got a little handsy in bed, so apparently it comes back real quick. :)

Haha answer change noted :) Glad you're feeling better. The flu is no fun.

[Guest]

It was pretty gross, truth be told. There's still a bathroom that needs to be properly cleaned. :(

[Down in Texas]

It was pretty gross, truth be told. There's still a bathroom that needs to be properly cleaned. :(

Glad you are feeling better. I was stuck in the hospital over Christmas and New Years with my mother. She had a partial small bowel blockage that had to be surgically removed. There was so much Flu on our floor that the walking they wanted her to do had to be done in reverse isolation. Meaning she had to wear a mask in order to do her walking. Was told it is one of the worse years they have seen in a long time and that the vaccine did not include one of the strains that was being seen as one of the worst.

[Percivel]

I have a question on the flip side of this. Do ace partners know when their sexual partner is particularly distraught over the lack of sex/intimacy? I know everyone is different and that the mere thought of sex for many aces is repulsive or distasteful. It is hard for me to imagine seeing my love particularly distraught and not doing something about it to make her feel better. Are many aces just not able to see when their partners are distressed or do they just not understand what we are going through or is their repulsiveness to sex so strong that it keeps them from being able to make their partner feel better even though they want to?

[Lady Girl]

In my case, he is not oblivious to my feelings in the least. In fact, he's painfully aware and he has said things to me to indicate that he also understands to an extent. Nor is his repulsiveness so great that it prevents him from comforting me, but rather, he begins to feel totally pressured and like a failure. My husband was never one for sex as a remedy to a fight or if I have been terribly upset (and he knows it's because of him)...I understand his feelings on this. He prefers to have sex if he is happy and feeling good about our relationship. It is basically those conditions that make sex possible for him.

I have met sexual people who feel the same way. If their partner feels bad, they feel bad. If they feel bad, sex is the last thing they want. Obviously that is only true for some people, many of us would be happy to have sex to comfort us.

Don't take offense at this, but I personally feel that this situation is where your 'table scrap sex' comes from. I never ever felt that what he offered me was remotely like that. Usually, if I 'begged' for sex, we ended up waiting.

[Guest]

I have a question on the flip side of this. Do ace partners know when their sexual partner is particularly distraught over the lack of sex/intimacy? I know everyone is different and that the mere thought of sex for many aces is repulsive or distasteful. It is hard for me to imagine seeing my love particularly distraught and not doing something about it to make her feel better. Are many aces just not able to see when their partners are distressed or do they just not understand what we are going through or is their repulsiveness to sex so strong that it keeps them from being able to make their partner feel better even though they want to?

Of course we can tell our partners are upset. That comes down to individual and NOT orientation though. Some people are simply oblivious to others emotions. But, for example, if my partner does not have sex for a week he gets so stressed out / upset he gets cranky and it starts interfering with his day-to-day functions. He's prone to snapping at everyone, he even told me he starts thinking cardboard cut outs look tempting (half joking, but only half).

But, on the flip side, if his libido is surging and he needs sex (we have a compromise of 6-8 times a week atm but sometimes it still isn't enough for him) sometimes it would actually hurt me to give him sex to make him feel better. WHY would I hurt myself to please him? That isn't partnership, that is sacrifice. "Let me cause myself pain to relieve yours" - I used to do it, because I felt obligated to (before I discovered I wasn't some weird broken freak) and it made me want sex even LESS every time. Which made the other times we had sex become less and less tolerable. Which made me start to resent him. Which made me feel guilty. Which made me short fused. Which caused more fighting. Which caused us both to be upset. Which totally defeated the point in the first place. Having sex as a sacrifice to your partner is not healthy, at all. Either for the ace, or the relationship in general.

[Down in Texas]

I have a question on the flip side of this. Do ace partners know when their sexual partner is particularly distraught over the lack of sex/intimacy? I know everyone is different and that the mere thought of sex for many aces is repulsive or distasteful. It is hard for me to imagine seeing my love particularly distraught and not doing something about it to make her feel better. Are many aces just not able to see when their partners are distressed or do they just not understand what we are going through or is their repulsiveness to sex so strong that it keeps them from being able to make their partner feel better even though they want to?

1.Do ace partners know when their sexual partner is particularly distraught over the lack of sex/intimacy? In my life experience, it takes a lot for my partner to see or understand my needs / or stress level from lack of sex. I later learned that from the beginning of our relationship he had been self-pleasuring which took care of his needs and left little need for him to see or take care of mine. For the first 20 +/- years of our marriage our main problem was frequency and time spent together sexually. I also was the one that initiated all of our sex for this period of time not knowing he was taking care of his own needs. It was not until we went through a very stressful three year period of unemployment that my husband began to think he was not worthy of sexual pleasure and turned away from all of my advances. It was also just a short time later that one of the many books I read said I was robbing my husband’s MANHOOD by always initiating and not allowing him to take the lead. I began to allow him to make the advances and pick the time and soon they became few and far between. It was the beginning of our downward spiral that we have never recovered from.

2.Are many aces just not able to see when their partners are distressed…? I know for my partner it takes a very high level of stress on my part before he can tell I am stressed and even then he will not act on it sexually.

3.do they just not understand what we are going through…? I do not think he understands what I am going through even when I verbally express my desire or need. For him it is not seen as absolute. It is often blown off as just a nonchalant remark made in passing, something he will deal with later. Though later it is forgotten and time deals with my stress level.

4.is their repulsiveness to sex so strong that it keeps them from being able to make their partner feel better even though they want to? For my husband is not repulsed to sex. For my husband he simply does not understand my need for sex and believes that there are more like him than like me. To him I am the one that needs to change not him and there is little room for compromising. Along with his work schedule there is even less time with his age and the amount of time spent at his stressful job I just don’t push him anymore. After years of showing little interest in sex the glow is now gone and what is left is sometimes not worth pressuring him for. What I want is the spontaneous desire for the person I LOVE not something that has to be worked at in order to be achieved.

[*Judy*]

I have a question on the flip side of this. Do ace partners know when their sexual partner is particularly distraught over the lack of sex/intimacy? I know everyone is different and that the mere thought of sex for many aces is repulsive or distasteful. It is hard for me to imagine seeing my love particularly distraught and not doing something about it to make her feel better. Are many aces just not able to see when their partners are distressed or do they just not understand what we are going through or is their repulsiveness to sex so strong that it keeps them from being able to make their partner feel better even though they want to?

I see it sometimes and other times I don't, but to be honest, my partner doesn't always know either if he just had a bad day or if he is down because of missing sex...when I ask he always says: "It's not about you". When I really can tell that he misses sex, I do whatever I can without feeling bad to make him feel good: kissing, huging, massage, even petting is an option.

[Percivel]

I try to hide my being upset as much as possible, but it gets really tough sometimes. When my wife asks what's wrong with me or "what are you thinking?" I usually say "nothing" because I know it will just upset her and make her feel more guilty or even agitated. I think she knows that no response is really "I need intimacy". But I'm not positive. Often it is quite clear, so it seems to me, that I'm particularly distressed about needing intimacy and she seemingly ignores it or is annoyed by it.

I try hard to control my attitude, thoughts and feelings and I believe that I need to change myself rather than change her. Lady Girl is right in that my wife is much more responsive when she is good spirited. I am working on staying positive to help keep her good spirited, not just for myself but to help keep her joyful.

There's a term in baseball I repeatedly tell myself..."Eat it!" It's when an infielder fields a ground ball and wants to throw to first but will likely be too late to get the runner out. So instead of taking the risk of making a bad throw, the infielder hangs on to the ball and let's the runner have the base. The odds of getting the runner out are to small. The odds of making an error are too high. When I'm upset about no intimacy, I tell myself "Eat it!", meaning don't say anything and act happy instead of risking her feeling guilty or upset.

Since my wife is not the greatest communicator (much like many men), we have to do a lot of guesswork and attempted mind reading.

[Guest]

I try to hide my being upset as much as possible, but it gets really tough sometimes. When my wife asks what's wrong with me or "what are you thinking?" I usually say "nothing" because I know it will just upset her and make her feel more guilty or even agitated. I think she knows that no response is really "I need intimacy". But I'm not positive. Often it is quite clear, so it seems to me, that I'm particularly distressed about needing intimacy and she seemingly ignores it or is annoyed by it.

I try hard to control my attitude, thoughts and feelings and I believe that I need to change myself rather than change her. Lady Girl is right in that my wife is much more responsive when she is good spirited. I am working on staying positive to help keep her good spirited, not just for myself but to help keep her joyful.

There's a term in baseball I repeatedly tell myself..."Eat it!" It's when an infielder fields a ground ball and wants to throw to first but will likely be too late to get the runner out. So instead of taking the risk of making a bad throw, the infielder hangs on to the ball and let's the runner have the base. The odds of getting the runner out are to small. The odds of making an error are too high. When I'm upset about no intimacy, I tell myself "Eat it!", meaning don't say anything and act happy instead of risking her feeling guilty or upset.

Since my wife is not the greatest communicator (much like many men), we have to do a lot of guesswork and attempted mind reading.

This sounds like me. My partner doesn't really notice unless I'm acting overtly upset, but i consider acting overtly upset to be passive aggressive so I try not to do it. She's said many times that she mostly assumes everything is good, especially if everything is good for her.

It seems like there are a few different varieties of asexual... my partner isn't at all repulsed and actually likes sex in the abstract (in movies, songs, books, conversations, etc) but seems to have a personal dissconnect from sex. She doesn't think about it, she doesn't desire it, and when it's sprung on her in real life she freezes.

Anyway, I've accepted that we're not going to have much sex, and if that's going to be true either way, I'd prefer that we're at least lighthearted and happy, so I try not to show negative feelings unless I think its necessary.

[Down in Texas]

I try to hide my being upset as much as possible, but it gets really tough sometimes. When my wife asks what's wrong with me or "what are you thinking?" I usually say "nothing" because I know it will just upset her and make her feel more guilty or even agitated. I think she knows that no response is really "I need intimacy". But I'm not positive. Often it is quite clear, so it seems to me, that I'm particularly distressed about needing intimacy and she seemingly ignores it or is annoyed by it.

I try hard to control my attitude, thoughts and feelings and I believe that I need to change myself rather than change her. Lady Girl is right in that my wife is much more responsive when she is good spirited. I am working on staying positive to help keep her good spirited, not just for myself but to help keep her joyful.

There's a term in baseball I repeatedly tell myself..."Eat it!" It's when an infielder fields a ground ball and wants to throw to first but will likely be too late to get the runner out. So instead of taking the risk of making a bad throw, the infielder hangs on to the ball and let's the runner have the base. The odds of getting the runner out are to small. The odds of making an error are too high. When I'm upset about no intimacy, I tell myself "Eat it!", meaning don't say anything and act happy instead of risking her feeling guilty or upset.

Since my wife is not the greatest communicator (much like many men), we have to do a lot of guesswork and attempted mind reading.

This sounds like me. My partner doesn't really notice unless I'm acting overtly upset, but i consider acting overtly upset to be passive aggressive so I try not to do it. She's said many times that she mostly assumes everything is good, especially if everything is good for her.

It seems like there are a few different varieties of asexual... my partner isn't at all repulsed and actually likes sex in the abstract (in movies, songs, books, conversations, etc) but seems to have a personal dissconnect from sex. She doesn't think about it, she doesn't desire it, and when it's sprung on her in real life she freezes.

Anyway, I've accepted that we're not going to have much sex, and if that's going to be true either way, I'd prefer that we're at least lighthearted and happy, so I try not to show negative feelings unless I think its necessary.

I have to agree also. Being upset all the time only makes for two or more if there are kids in the house upset. It is just not worth placing that kind of trama on your kids they didn't ask for it. Even after 40+ years they don't see the problems. Partly because they are more like their father than they are like me and the rest is because I tried not to let it show.

When you have internalized that pain for so many years and then find a site like AVEN I have a tendency to let out all the pent up disappointment to others that understand and have walked the same walk even is their steps are a bit different.

[Guest]

^^ Places to vent are key. Being upset at home about something that isn't going to change is not helpful. But completely swallowing one's pain for the sake of harmony isn't healthy either. I have a couple friends who I vent to... I know they have a bad view of my partner and I feel guilty about that, but I figure it's the lesser of evils. We need outlets somewhere.

[Guest]

Anyway, I've accepted that we're not going to have much sex, and if that's going to be true either way, I'd prefer that we're at least lighthearted and happy, so I try not to show negative feelings unless I think its necessary.

That's pretty much how I feel about a lot of non-sexual intimacy with my partner. I used to ask him to do stuff, but the issues were: 1) It bored him to the point he fell asleep 2) Turned to sex or 3) He held himself so tense to avoid it turning to sex that it just felt like he wasn't enjoying anything about it. So, I just don't tell him when I am feeling like I really need it, since he can't give it anyway so why make it an argument or point of negative feelings for both of us if nothing is going to change anyway. What I miss the most is being able to lay on a guys chest and just enjoy each others company either quietly or talking about whatever. Being able to be held in someones arms and kiss them without their hands having to go down the shirt, between the legs, etc... just their hands resting on my hips. A long hug that doesn't end in a butt squeeze. And these things feeling natural, instead of like he's forcing himself and holding himself tense to avoid doing it. But, these aren't things he can actually give me - so, I either accept him, or I don't. No point making him feel guilty for something he can't give by bringing up when I am upset about the lack of it.

But, some people can pick up on things anyway, without being told. Like, I know when my partner is upset, he tends to watch comedy a lot more. He is more likely to ask for sex on an off day. He's less likely to talk to me about anything because he wants to be left alone. He chews more gum than usual (he chews nicotine gum since he quit smoking). But, also, if he's upset about something he's 90% likely to NOT tell me what it is about, being your stereotypical guy that won't talk about his feelings. So, no matter what I am likely to get either a "Nothing" or "I don't want to talk about it" if I ask. When it's about sex he is more evasive and more likely to snap at me for small stuff (such as, there being no trash bag in the garbage can, my squeezing of toothpaste tubes driving him insane, stupid stuff) than if he's upset about something else. So, sometimes even if the issue is never even brought up or just gets a "nothing" it's easy to tell. Depending on the couple. :)

[Down in Texas]

^^ Places to vent are key. Being upset at home about something that isn't going to change is not helpful. But completely swallowing one's pain for the sake of harmony isn't healthy either. I have a couple friends who I vent to... I know they have a bad view of my partner and I feel guilty about that, but I figure it's the lesser of evils. We need outlets somewhere.

Skullery please do not take this offensively it is in NO WAY intended to be.

From reading your post and coming to know you here on AVEN I am going to make a few asumptions. If they are wrong PLEASE correct me.

I believe you are some younger than I am. I also believe you are a self sustaining woman (meaning you have a job and could live on your own income). I also believe you have no children.

It is with the above information that I draw my opinion from and remarks. Again forgive me if I am wrong.

When I married it was still exceptable to be a housewife. My husband worked for Brown and Root and was an engineer making a fair salary for that time. It was widely know that if you worked for them it was often said " Root and scoot with Brown and Root". We would be told in the middle of a week that we were to move and be there by the following Monday. Often the moves were A good distance and the moving expence was initially on you to be reembursed once you made it to the next location. We were often in one location under a year and then transferred again. We lived in five different locations in the first three years of marriage, leaving little time to make friends that you would confide in also not knowing who might be kin to one of your husbands bosses at the new location. By the time we settled down and were able to made friends we had four children one set of twins. I had no college education and daycare for four children would have cost us more than I would have been able to bring in making it no feasible. Therefore I kept other people's children for additional income.

It was while doing this that I meet my BFF. We became close since we had mutual family as relatives just from opposite sides of the familyand our children were close in ages We shared a lot and helped each other. She was the sister I never had. However I lost her to a traffic accident 22 years ago yesterday. I have never become that close to anyone since.

It was after that that my world changed as I have explained in other post. It was the beginning of a long hard period of time. I lost my father the same year and my mother in law was diagnosed with cancer two weeks after my fathers death. I cared for my BFFs five children her mother in law and a woman like a grandmother to me. Then Grandlids started to come and I kept them to give my kids a chance at a better life by allowing them to work and not worry about daycare. It has only been the last couple of years that I have been able to slow down a BIT.

I don't want pity just understanding. I have had NO ONE to really talk to and most importantly no one that would understand the dynamics of a mixed relationship without opening toooo many doors that are better left closed.

That is why this site has come to mean so much to me. Some of you have become the friends I so long for and need to have someone to share what I can't with anyone else.

Thanks for listening.

[Guest]

I don't understand why I would be offended that I'm not the same person as you? I know that! I try to be open about my life details for this very reason... because my situation is specific to me, and yours to you, etc.

Yeah, I'm 35 and I've only been with my partner a handful of years, which I try to make clear frequently. We also still have sex, although only a few times a year. I also knew about our sex problems before committing to her, although to some extent I don't know that there's any way to truly "know", since back then we were having sex weekly. I also fully believe in divorce and I like to think that I would get a divorce rather than be miserable. I don't have kids now, but we are talking about it. My situation in many ways is far less dire than others, which I openly acknowledge and honestly, am thankful for. I'm not the kind of person who wants to win the "who has it worse" comparisons.

[Down in Texas]

Skullery I am glad your are not that type of a person however I only know you from post on here. I said some of the things I did due to being around others that are sensitive. Talking about not having children is a very sensitive subject around my sister in law I didn't know how you felt about it.

Life is different for you Skullery than what it was for me. My children are about your age. If I had divorced I would have had four children to care for and no way to have supported them with out a skill if I had left when I was your age. The thing is at your age I was still trying very hard to fix what I did not know had no fix.

Your view or mostly MY view of life has changed with age and for a while it seemed I was to busy to think about myself. Now it just seems I would destroy to many lives to change one way of life because i can't change another. For Me I choose to except the known verses take a chance on the unknown.

I am not looking for sympathy, pity nor trying to one up anyone on hard knocks. Just laying it out to offer an explanation for some of the things that have happened in my life that effected some of the choices I made.

[Guest]

Yeah, totally! Money and kids are huge and have a tremendous impact on every aspect of life.

[Valw]

Since we often, for understanding purposes, compare sex to eating....

For me, sex for the sake of sex is like bringing a pot of water to a boil. Making love, however, is like making soup.........you have the pot of water, and as it heats up you start cutting the vegetables...carrots, celery, potatoes, onions, etc. You also cut up the meat and prep the noodles. Add everything to the water in the pot and slowly heat it up til it boils.

The vegetables, noodles and meat are the mutual feelings, love, joy, adoration, commitment, respect, emotions, self-giving and passion blending together as the temperature rises. The combination of heat and ingredients absorbs them all into one wonderful aroma and taste. The joyful contented feelings and love after making love are unmatched.

With simple boiling water all one gets is steam released.

Thank you. I really like your analogy. My (sexual) husband has been trying to explain this for years, also often referring to food. It sounds lovely, and no doubt is a grand and joyful experience. The trouble is, well, speaking for myself of course, is that you are talking about having sex, and that's where the whole thing breaks down. Sure, I would love to have those wonderful feelings with my husband, but could they be arrived at some other way??