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Frequency and Other Issues in Sexual Compromises


joesantus

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Since we often, for understanding purposes, compare sex to eating....

For me, sex for the sake of sex is like bringing a pot of water to a boil. Making love, however, is like making soup.........you have the pot of water, and as it heats up you start cutting the vegetables...carrots, celery, potatoes, onions, etc. You also cut up the meat and prep the noodles. Add everything to the water in the pot and slowly heat it up til it boils.

The vegetables, noodles and meat are the mutual feelings, love, joy, adoration, commitment, respect, emotions, self-giving and passion blending together as the temperature rises. The combination of heat and ingredients absorbs them all into one wonderful aroma and taste. The joyful contented feelings and love after making love are unmatched.

With simple boiling water all one gets is steam released.

Thank you. I really like your analogy. My (sexual) husband has been trying to explain this for years, also often referring to food. It sounds lovely, and no doubt is a grand and joyful experience. The trouble is, well, speaking for myself of course, is that you are talking about having sex, and that's where the whole thing breaks down. Sure, I would love to have those wonderful feelings with my husband, but could they be arrived at some other way??

I think for me (being the sexual partner), the reason it's compared to food is because there's a type of hunger involved...people can feel empty (starved) without the connection that sex can provide. Knowing this, it seems like that deep felt connection is a big part of the issue for sexual people...and it's a connection that involves being physical.

Two ways mixed couples solve the problem is to have sex (in which case the sexual person usually has to accept that it's now physical only, and the asexual agrees to 'consume something rather bland or even distasteful' to them), or they don't have sex (and hopefully the sexual partner feels emotionally connected without the physical sensations, and the asexual feels more like their true self).

Either way, it's not soup...but in my book, it's not just boiling water either. If you've chosen to be with the person you love, you do your best to love them. I wish I could say that I practice love as an action, but I know I fail sometimes...learning love is a verb remains my aim though, in spite of failings. The only real answer I have Valw, is when I am thinking about him and not my unmet desires, I feel totally connected to him and in a stronger and more enduring way than I ever did through sex.

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Lady Girl...you truly are amazing! You have gotten further along than most of us and you should be applauded for that! It takes hard work, selflessness, insight and great love to get where you are at. You are inspiring and hopeful! I hope to continue to learn from you!

My soup analogy was trying to explain how I feel...or how it makes me feel. I know for many aces, it takes a lot to provide sex...and even harder to provide sexual intimacy. It is no easy task for them and often takes a lot of sacrifice, work and love for them to do so.

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I'm probably not that amazing, but thank you for the compliment. Quite often in these threads, I am talking about how things are for me most of the time (I still feel bad at times, and show signs of hurt feelings to my husband, which just seems to be par for the course in a relationship with a sexual disparity).

I also don't think I'm further along than you or anyone else here...however, it does seem as though my longing for sexual activity has decreased for a variety of reasons and so I have a different view. I am very fortunate to have a pretty deep connection with my husband and we have gone through a lot together so we seem inextricably linked to each other (we failed at splitting up!). Personally speaking, giving up alcohol has made a world of difference for me. I used to think it was a cure for feeling lonely/upset, but now I think it's a cause (and an aphrodisiac).

I do think it can be unhealthy to stay in a relationship that is overly ridden with grief and unhappiness...so if I'm staying with him, I don't want to let this overshadow our happiness together. I can't help it if I feel bad at times, but I can make an effort to snap out of it and not wallow...most of the time. :)

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Hm. Thanks for the replies. :)

This one is really hard for me to relate to though, since there is literally NOTHING I want to do so badly I will happily do it while sick or in pain. I mean, I will work when I am sick because I have to but to want to ... eh. I'd much rather l lay in bed under blankets warm and toasty and not even eat if I am not feeling well, just doze. :lol: The boyfriend would rather have sex to make himself feel better. Which, basically became something like this when we both ended up getting a cold or something (before we started talking about asexuality and he started trying to get the not liking sex thing):

"Hey, we can't make each other sick anymore, lets have sex!"

"No, go away."

"But it'll make you feel better."

"No, it will make me feel worse."

"How can sex make you feel worse when you're sick?"

"Movement makes my headache worse, my nose is stuffier if I am moving around vs laying in one position, it makes me cough more, etc."

"Sex helps headaches!"

"Not mine. Go away."

:lol:

Serran please understand I did not write my reply in order to give your partner permission to make you have sex when you are sick. If you will remember my first reply to you was how I never made my husband have sex when he was not feeling well or when he was tired or hurt.

My second reply was in clarification to your question and is only made to show how much I enjoy sex and what I will endure to be able to enjoy it.

I also must say that things have changed drastically in the past 20 years and sex is no longer as pleasurable as it use to be. My husbands lack of desire and my finding AVEN have changed a lot in my sex life.

How I wish books had a rating on validity. Out of all of the books I read it only took one book to change my world. AVEN clarified my world but one book distorted it.

Serran I once again would like to say please do not take what I posted as a sign that you need to accept sex when you are sick or if it hurts you that is not why I wrote what I did. I just answered your question as to how much a sexual likes sex.

What book?

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I just wanted to thank all of you for having this conversation. I don't know how old any of you are but this is one of the few conversations I have come across that I felt was very maturely and honestly approached. I don't really have much to add, however the information you have all shared has been valuable. Thank you for discussing sex like "grown ups" no matter how icky it is. ;)

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Down in Texas

Hm. Thanks for the replies. :)

This one is really hard for me to relate to though, since there is literally NOTHING I want to do so badly I will happily do it while sick or in pain. I mean, I will work when I am sick because I have to but to want to ... eh. I'd much rather l lay in bed under blankets warm and toasty and not even eat if I am not feeling well, just doze. :lol: The boyfriend would rather have sex to make himself feel better. Which, basically became something like this when we both ended up getting a cold or something (before we started talking about asexuality and he started trying to get the not liking sex thing):

"Hey, we can't make each other sick anymore, lets have sex!"

"No, go away."

"But it'll make you feel better."

"No, it will make me feel worse."

"How can sex make you feel worse when you're sick?"

"Movement makes my headache worse, my nose is stuffier if I am moving around vs laying in one position, it makes me cough more, etc."

"Sex helps headaches!"

"Not mine. Go away."

:lol:

Serran please understand I did not write my reply in order to give your partner permission to make you have sex when you are sick. If you will remember my first reply to you was how I never made my husband have sex when he was not feeling well or when he was tired or hurt.

My second reply was in clarification to your question and is only made to show how much I enjoy sex and what I will endure to be able to enjoy it.

I also must say that things have changed drastically in the past 20 years and sex is no longer as pleasurable as it use to be. My husbands lack of desire and my finding AVEN have changed a lot in my sex life.

How I wish books had a rating on validity. Out of all of the books I read it only took one book to change my world. AVEN clarified my world but one book distorted it.

Serran I once again would like to say please do not take what I posted as a sign that you need to accept sex when you are sick or if it hurts you that is not why I wrote what I did. I just answered your question as to how much a sexual likes sex.

What book?

I am sorry I do not remember the Title of the book. I have read so many though out the years looking for answers to a problem I did not know had a name much less was not fixable. I would have to go back and re-read all the books in order to find the one book that told me I was robbing my husband’s manhood by always initiating sex and that I needed to allow him to make the first move.

The problem with this was that he never thought about sex therefore he never needed it, consequently he never thought to initiated sex.

It was very hard for me to go without sex and allow him to make the first move. After a significant period of time I would make subtle advances that often lead to sex. Once thinking I would show him what it feels like to be rejected, I turned him down for the first time and you would have thought the world had come to its end. I had never refused sex before and my husband could not understand why I was refusing it now. That was when I told him "how does it feel" it was the one and only time I have ever turned him down or refused him sex. However, this was some 15 years before I found AVEN. It was not until a couple of years ago that I found AVEN and learned that the problems my husband and I have had all these years had a name and no cure. It has taken AVEN for me to understand what was happening right from the beginning and though out our marriage.

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