The Ol' Sexual Imperative

[AVENguy]

Anyone familiar?

Maybe I've already ranted about this, the ways in which sex is a socially learned and enforced behavior. It's not just that some people are sexual, it's that there is an expectation that EVERYONE will be sexual that's so strong it actually creates and reinforces sexual desire. It's in the way that we're socially used to talking about sex. When you talk about sex (especially explicitely) you have to tiptoe, becuase if you're not careful somone in the room just might squirt. For something that should (according to the sexual world) speak for itself it can't ever seem to appear without boatloads of fanfare.*

It seems like the way we talk about sex is tailored to people who are both afraid and intregued with what it might do to them. Just speaking for myself, but I don't mind sex (as a topic) so much as I mind the persistant assumption that I give a rat's ass. Unless I can somehow explicitely correct it there's an assumption that sex means very specific, important things to me in terms of hormones, relationships and self-image. These sets of assmuptions are interesting, and not only around asexuality (I realize I'm being supremely inarticulate, hopefully my point will come out later in discussion...) Consider, for a moment, the various and sundry taboos surrounding talking about sex around children. Though I'd agree that many of the little tykes posess a sex drive I wouldn't say that it's developed into anything around intercourse by age 6. "The talk" is a big deal because it forces parents to strip (at least somewhat) the sexual imperative from their notions of sexuality. Adults aren't afraid of kids hearing about sex, they're afraid of kids feeling the pressure from the adult world to be sexual in order to prove their worth. It wouldn't be a problem for me to go up to a kid and say: "there's this kinda silly thing, called sex, that some grownups do. Many grownups also don't, and you don't have to unless you feel like it for some reason." Problem is, generally if kids are exposed to unfiltered adult sexuality they're not provided any room to keep being nonsexual, they're given the message (That adults are given) that it's NOT o.k. to not be having sex, and that's what adults are afraid of. The way we get around it now is by telling kids that sex is an adult thing, and therefore it's ok for kids not to be sexual as long as they're kids (and avoid the topic like plague, just to make certain) and we all know how THAT pans out in highschool.

What we keep kids from isn't sex: it's the sexual imperative, the same thing that us asexuals are trying to dodge.

*Ironically, if you want an interesting intellectual experience watch some hardcore porn. Other than camera angles and the like it's sex with a bare minimum of fanfare, and you come to realize that it's just, well, flapping.

[Eta Carinae]

I disagree; I think there's much more to adults' uneasiness than that.

True, many parents probably fear that their children will be pressured into sex to "prove their worth." But there's also STDs, and pregnancy, and broken hearts. There's the fear that their child will have sex too early, not because of external pressure, but because of hormones and thoughtlessness. All of those things are equally scary -- if not more frightening -- to most parents. And there's the fact that their kid having sex means that their kid is growing up, and that too is often disturbing.

[seandon]

Hello,

I think it depends on what type of parents one has and what kind of people one hangs out with.

My parents have been trying to get me to date since I was maybe 12. They've always expected me to flirt with just about any female, even when I don't know the first thing about her. Further, they've implied to me that sex before marriage is OK.

I've heard other stories about parents who are more afraid of their children not being popular or happy than of STDs or pregnancy. In other words, they view birth control and condoms as being perfectly good forms of protection.

I'm not completely sure what you mean by the "sexual imperative", but I do believe I know what you mean by social expectation.

Sincerely,

Sean

[Gorax]

Where do babies come from :mrgreen:

My parents were good ones (even though they've pissed me off real bad a few times :evil: ) . . . They never really talked to me about sex, or asked me/pressured me into getting into a relationship.

[Skiddaloxx]

The whole sex area has so far been an untouched topic between my parents and me. Now, Inkburrow said one thing which sounds quite logical to me:

And there's the fact that their kid having sex means that their kid is growing up, and that too is often disturbing.

Which leads me to think that those parents, who want to have complete control over their kids, are those, who are most afraid when their little ones start having sex. It's like: the kids' nature wins against the parents will. But all the other reasons that were mentionend before (teenage pregnancy,...) are playing roles too, of course.

About the sexual imperative.....well, I'm lucky. Since i am comfy with myself and my asexuality, I have become immune to the pressure. It's not bothering too much. Avenguy, i agree with you on many things you have said: that the sexual imperative can eventually create a sexual desire, but hey, it doesn't take much braincells to know that this is fake and not right.

And about the fanfare thing......so true. Whisper "Sex" and everyone will perk! All the bragging and trophee-hunting is actually a big joke, if you ask me.

TAlking about sex in a serious, normal way is interesting, and personally I like to find out about different people's motivations. If you leave the harming, fake part out of the sex convo, and reveal the stuff that's really on your mind, then it can be wonderful to listen to someone who wants to share his/her xp with you.

Skiddaloxx

[AgentNyder]

Let the bunny rabbits breed. We have more important things to do :twisted:

[Zorui]

My mom accepts my asexuality, though occasionally insists that "i'll change my mind someday". My dad....>_<

[JimDandy]

I think social attitudes don't really create sexual desire, that's more biological at it's root. But all societies do have both overt and subvert attitudes pertaining to sex; and I'd hazzard that these attitudes are usually pretty strong.

As far as social conversations about sex, well, I suppose it's a matter of to whom you're talking. Way back in the stone age, when I was in highschool, sex was a fairly frequent topic among boys; it's only conversational rivals being football, booze and "Battlestar Galactica."

Personally, I found the topic intensely tedious.

However, if a girl should happen by, all talk of sex would cease immediately. Talking about sex in front of a girl or, (heaven forbid!) an adult, was strictly taboo. Sex was (and still is, I expect) a matter of status among boys as well as biological urge. Have you done it yet? With who? How many times? (It was out of this social necessity that I developed a very keen facility for lying. :) )

It was perfectly okay to talk about sex with a girl if you were alone and on intimate terms with her. And it was acceptable as well to talk about it with adults if you phrased the conversation in an 'asking for advice' sort of way. So I guess my point is that there was more than one standard for talking about sex, depending on who you're discussing it with. You could talk about it with "the guys" in a certain way. And you could talk about it with your girlfriend in another way. And you might be able to about it with an adult in yet another way.

Sometimes you tiptoe, sometimes you brag. It all depends.