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Pandante

Becoming sex-addicted while in a mixed relationship

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Pandante

I've been on AVEN for a while, benefiting from reading many insightful comments, and knowing i'm not alone, but i'm not much of a writer so i've not been very active. But now I am starting to realise a very problematic issue arising in me, which prompted me to start this thread in hopes of getting advice, especially from others who may have experienced something similar.

I am married to my wonderful asexual wife and trying to cope with my sex-drive. We have been together for about 9 years, and it has been 3 years since we last any kind of sexual intimacy. I love my wife very much and on any other level than the sexual level, we get along really well. But the sexual frustration is taking a toll on my work and mental health. Of course, I've talked with my wife about our physical relationship and possible compromises (perhaps not enough) but any form of sexual intimacy is out of the question. Even kissing. I try to do sports or immerse myself in work to offset my libido, but it's tricky. Some days it works and some days it doesn't.

The problem, however, is, that the desire for sexual intimacy has consistently been getting stronger. I occasionally watch porn and masturbate about once to twice a week to get some relief. But i feel this is bad for me. It makes me crave more. I am looking at women around me and feel sexually attracted and aroused by almost everyone. It feels like I am becoming sex-addicted. I don't think i'm exaggerating - I know it's easy to overestimate one's sex-drive, but it's quite bad.

One might, of course, consider being in a mixed relationship and becoming a sex-addict separate issues. I am, however, indeed implying that (or inquiring whether) the one could trigger the other because of inappropriate ways the sexual deals with their sexual frustration.

It scares me, but I don't know what to do. I must definitely avoid porn. And maybe do more sports. But my incessant thinking of sex is killing me. I should maybe join a self-help group or receive councelling. If anyone has experienced the same or has advice of how to deal with this, i'd be very happy to hear about it. Thanks in advance!

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BlackRose

It sounds like you and your wife are not sexually compatible at all. Have you thought about finding another sex partner? Another girlfriend or friend with benefits? Since she's asexual she probably wouldn't object.

You're totally "normal"... not "sex-addicted." Masturbating once or twice a week is on the low end. Sex is a normal, healthy, natural drive. Your needs are not being met and the frustration is not good for you. You have to take care of yourself and your mental health.

Are you sure she's asexual? Why is any kind of sexual intimacy out of the question?

It's not fair to you or to her the way things are. You need to find a girlfriend. You can still love her and stay married to her, and have a girlfriend for your sexual needs as well.

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Sally

It sounds like you and your wife are not sexually compatible at all. Have you thought about finding another sex partner? Another girlfriend or friend with benefits? Since she's asexual she probably wouldn't object.

You're totally "normal"... not "sex-addicted." Masturbating once or twice a week is on the low end. Sex is a normal, healthy, natural drive. Your needs are not being met and the frustration is not good for you. You have to take care of yourself and your mental health.

Are you sure she's asexual? Why is any kind of sexual intimacy out of the question?

It's not fair to you or to her the way things are. You need to find a girlfriend. You can still love her and stay married to her, and have a girlfriend for your sexual needs as well.

That isn't at all likely. Opening a marriage to another sexual partner won't work unless the marriage partner agrees to it, and it's not good to advise people to simply take on another partner without such a discussion and agreement.

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theotherfey

To add to what A-Team said, it also wouldn't be fair to the girlfriend, since you'd essentially just be fulfilling our sexual needs, as your wife seems to fulfill everything else. I mean, if you're going to go that route, you might as well just pay a prostitute.

Find some way to make it work. Sex isn't everything, and you might find ways to make your relationship stronger ^_^

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Skullery Maid

Pandante!!! Haven't seen you in a long time!

I masturbate at least once a day and I'm sure no sex addict. Rose is right that you're still on the low end, libido-wise.

I also find myself going thru cycles, and for the most part I cater to them. I watch a lot of porn and masturbate a lot during those times. There's one thing that I do that always helps lessen my desire:

The Casual Encounters section of Craigslist.

I message people, talk to them about getting together and what they want to do to me (I'm lesbian but I do this with men because that's where the disturbing stuff comes from), and its always titilating at first, and eventually scary and disgusting. When I couple that with brutal BDSM videos (you know the ones... where the women are clearly drug addicts and have agreed to genuine suffering for a bag of meth)...

that kills enough of my drive that I can carry on like normal. I'm not necessarily saying that intentionally disgusting yourself is psychologically healthy, because probably it's not, but it does work.

To add to what A-Team said, it also wouldn't be fair to the girlfriend, since you'd essentially just be fulfilling our sexual needs, as your wife seems to fulfill everything else. I mean, if you're going to go that route, you might as well just pay a prostitute.

Find some way to make it work. Sex isn't everything, and you might find ways to make your relationship stronger ^_^

Ok now. I feel like you have made your position well known. Sexuals should just not have sex. But it may not be super helpful to post that same thing on every thread started in SPFA.

Trust me, all of us in mixed relationships are well aware of the no sex option already.

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joesantus

As a lifelong-drug-free bodybuilder who's seriously trained since age sixteen, I think I can say from experience that

"more sports" probably won't help reduce your libido in the long-term overall.

While you might be physically drained temporarily, your body will eventually adapt and adjust to become stronger and healthier and leaner -- which will increase your energy, stamina, and probably keep your testosterone levels maximized -- which in turn will likely not only sustain your present libido but potentially generate an even higher libido. Unless you happen to own less-than-average physical genetics which are easily over-trained, the old "keep-busy-at-sports-so-you're-too-fatigued-to-want-sex" backfires.

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Lady Girl

Hi Pandante! I've thought about you these past few months as I've been doing some adjusting myself. I thought I remembered that you were going completely without sexual relations. It seems as though it may have come to that point now for me too. (TMI ahead) I haven't gone as long as you, but I have gone nigh on a year now without experiencing an orgasm. The last couple of times we tried to have relations (Feb. and May or June) were sort of failed attempts I guess you could say...it felt rather awkward, was sort of half hearted for both of us, and there was no happy ending. I appreciated the effort, but realizing that he has absolutely no interest in it seems to have made it increasingly difficult for him in a physical sense and I have psychologically lost ground with the "he does it because he loves me" line of reasoning. Not that I don't think that is an honest and viable way to think, it just isn't working in the current circumstances.

I'm sort of the opposite of Skullery (in some ways...in many ways we stand on common ground). Regarding masturbation and exposure to sexy situations I'm definitely different from her. I avoid it all, but with little to no effort. I think about it sometimes but know in my heart that it would cause me to want more and want it from him. I won't say I didn't try...it was a little over a year ago I think and it really did just increase my desire. I had never been much into it anyway, so I think that is why it is easy for me to just quit going there.

As for other people, I do about the same that I always did, I love to flirt and I do get some reasonable attention. It's enough to support some confidence in that department, without going very far into the realm of fantasizing. It's more of a "ah yes, there is something here that could possibly be more if I was starting over...they seem nice, witty, attractive, and bonus, they noticed me," kind of thing. I always end up thinking about my husband soon after though, and how awesome he is.

I know this is going to sound cheesy, but I'm going to say it anyway. I try to really think about the good things we have when I feel fine...I think it's something like taking pictures and storing them away so when I start to feel sad or shortchanged or whatever it is that we feel, I have those pictures to remember and help pull me back to where I'd like to be, and I know that's the same for all of us, happy in the relationship.

I know I just said a whole bunch of personal stuff about me, but it's the best way I know how to answer. It's what's working for me and overall it seems to be working fairly well. Tomorrow I'll probably have a breakdown because I just cursed myself!

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Skullery Maid

Regarding masturbation and exposure to sexy situations I'm definitely different from her. I avoid it all, but with little to no effort. I think about it sometimes but know in my heart that it would cause me to want more and want it from him. I won't say I didn't try...it was a little over a year ago I think and it really did just increase my desire.

For me too, which is why I specified that you have to actively seek out stuff that disgusts you. Like I said, it may not be the healthiest of ideas, all I can say is that it works temporarily.

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Serran

Honestly, you don't sound sex addicted to me, Padante. Just deprived. If my boyfriend goes even a few DAYS without sex, he tells me he starts to get erections at the sight of cardboard cut outs of women that show cleavage. I mean, I joke that his reactions to lack of sex are worse than his reactions to lack of nicotine, but I don't honestly consider it an unhealthy addiction such as sex addiction is described (and treated at rehabs and such). It's just like when I get cuddle deprived, I start to crave it. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. You just have urges for something that is natural.

How to handle it, I can't offer advice. With my relationship, the solution is compromise to keep my boyfriend from reaching that point, but that doesn't sound like an option for you. :( Hopefully some of the solutions the other sexual partners can share will help.

It sounds like you and your wife are not sexually compatible at all. Have you thought about finding another sex partner? Another girlfriend or friend with benefits? Since she's asexual she probably wouldn't object.

Asexuals can still be monogamous and care if their partners are having sex outside the relationship.

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BlackRose

It sounds like you and your wife are not sexually compatible at all. Have you thought about finding another sex partner? Another girlfriend or friend with benefits? Since she's asexual she probably wouldn't object.

You're totally "normal"... not "sex-addicted." Masturbating once or twice a week is on the low end. Sex is a normal, healthy, natural drive. Your needs are not being met and the frustration is not good for you. You have to take care of yourself and your mental health.

Are you sure she's asexual? Why is any kind of sexual intimacy out of the question?

It's not fair to you or to her the way things are. You need to find a girlfriend. You can still love her and stay married to her, and have a girlfriend for your sexual needs as well.

That isn't at all likely. Opening a marriage to another sexual partner won't work unless the marriage partner agrees to it, and it's not good to advise people to simply take on another partner without such a discussion and agreement.

The marriage is not currently working as it is.

Frankly, I don't see how it's her business whether or not he gets another sex partner, seeing as she doesn't seem to care about sex or his needs.

To add to what A-Team said, it also wouldn't be fair to the girlfriend, since you'd essentially just be fulfilling our sexual needs, as your wife seems to fulfill everything else. I mean, if you're going to go that route, you might as well just pay a prostitute.

It's not up to you to decide whether or not it would be fair to the hypothetical girlfriend or sex partner... if it was what she wanted and she was fine with it, there's nothing unfair about it.

There's nothing wrong with having someone to just fulfill your sexual needs.

Not sure what the point of the prostitute suggestion was. For one thing, it's very expensive: at $200 an hour, twice a week would cost you $20,000 a year! For another, it's not really satisfying because it's not an equal and mutual sexual relationship.

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Lucinda

I think by "sex addicted" Pandante is referring to "But my incessant thinking of sex is killing me." I hope you find an answer soon!

Lucinda

P.S. Aren't these side arguments fascinating ... just like real life?? :)

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Pandante

Thank you all for your answers and encouragement!

It's quite comforting to know that my libido may not be high enough to label myself a sex-addict. Perhaps the reason I am anxious is not so much the rate of masturbating, but how the desire for sex is uncontrollably interfering with my life, in particular it is affecting my productivity at work.

BlackRose, the marriage is working, except for the sexual intimacy part. My wife does care for my sexual needs, but she just can't do anything about it because she is sex-repulsed. I personally am open about the idea of seeing someone else for my sexual needs, but my wife isn't and so that's out of the question too. Yeah, I don't want to see prostitutes.

theotherfey, "Find some way to make it work"... ya, i'm trying :)

joesantus, Thanks for the warning! That's good to know not to overdo it.

Serran, yeah cardboard-cutouts do it for me too most of the time. It's not physically unhealthy, but i feel mentally ill at ease, I can't concentrate, and feel powerless and disappointed at myself for not being able to control it. I'm also scared that I might (emotionally) hurt people i stare at or flirt with too much.

Lucinda, yes, that's why I feel like it's like an addiction. Yes, the side arguments are amusing. But even just they are making me feel better :)

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Skullery Maid

I think by "sex addicted" Pandante is referring to "But my incessant thinking of sex is killing me." I hope you find an answer soon!

Lucinda

P.S. Aren't these side arguments fascinating ... just like real life?? :)

OHHHH... that makes sense.

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NeoLord

I think the lack of sex drives us into a corner and that affects us in many ways. I do watch porn and masturbate far more than you do, but I dont like it the porn bit - I have beliefs that say I shouldnt have fantasies with other women. But if I dont do it and become 100pc sexless celibate, well, I'd simply and literally lose my mind.

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Pandante

Skullery Maid, Lady Girl, thank you so much for remembering me! :cake::cake:

The casual encounters list suggestion made me smile. But your idea of seeking out the disgusting makes sense. I have on occasion inadvertently come across stuff that has turned me off, and caused me to cancel a masturbation session --; I don't know if I could regularly go about seeking that out. There is no craigslist in Japan, but there is enough disturbing stuff here for sure. It's worth keeping in mind, though.

I wish I was in the state that you are, Lady Girl. The few times where I can really suppress my desire by thinking about good things in our relationship and convincing myself that exposure to sexy stuff just makes me want to crave more, i felt good afterwards. But my body is always getting the better of me. I can relate to flirting too. That helps in the confidence department, exactly as you say. I have to be careful not to give the wrong impression, though.

Oh, but i'm very happy to have you both to talk to!

Fight for that inch, i sometimes think it's wrong to have fantasies with other women, but then i wonder if it's even more wrong to have fantasies of your asexual partner, because one is associating an action with them that they dislike and would never do. I don't want a false image of my partner in my mind.

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Skullery Maid

If it helps, the image you have of her is already false. But now we may be stepping into a philosophical black hole...

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Lady Girl

Opening a marriage to another sexual partner won't work unless the marriage partner agrees to it, and it's not good to advise people to simply take on another partner without such a discussion and agreement.

The marriage is not currently working as it is.Frankly, I don't see how it's her business whether or not he gets another sex partner, seeing as she doesn't seem to care about sex or his needs.

I agree with Sally here. It's not unheard of for people to go out on their partners, but I think that in a loving relationship, monogamy or polyamory is something that works best when those involved are honest and respectful of each other regarding that choice.

Another thing I thought of...I always used to think that I focused far more on sex than I would have normally if there was just a little bit more, or something like that (kind of like it was his fault). When I started to realize that I was blaming him for feeling so acutely deprived (when in reality, it was also on me for staying with him), it was like some of the frustration was alleviated. I actually think Sally and Lucinda helped me see this.

I'm so happy to see you back Pandante! :cake:

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Pandante

Skullery Maid, hmmm.. i'm not sure I follow,... i don't think I have a completely accurate image of my wife, but i'm not sure it's completely false either. I'm confused now - but in a good way :) I like philosophical black holes. In fact, I specialize in black holes, but only of the astrophysical kind.

Lady Girl, reminding myself that it was my choice to marry her, knowing she was asexual, does indeed always help ease the pain. But wow, 1 year without an orgasm is quite impressive. Do you think the longer without orgasm you go, the easier it gets to manage the sex-drive?

I guess what I want to avoid is my sexual desire getting stronger and stronger. I can just about manage now, but on many days its agonizing. It seems like everything I do is making it worse. Sometimes, I just want to lock myself into a buddhist monastery.

I'm not sure which path to follow: increasing my sexual activity (which i'm suppressing somewhat at the moment out of fear it will escalate) to calm me down more, or trying out a regimen of a few weeks of abstinence.

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Lady Girl

I do think it has gotten easier because I've gone so long...but, ahem, don't men need to at least on occasion? Whereas, with women it might cause some mental frustration more than anything else if they don't?

Maybe you could try more for three to six months and see how you feel, and then if it's still not working, try less.

The monastery! I used to want to go there too! :lol:

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Skullery Maid

Skullery Maid, hmmm.. i'm not sure I follow,... i don't think I have a completely accurate image of my wife, but i'm not sure it's completely false either.

It's just the inclusion of the word "completely" that's causing the trouble. You already have a not accurate view of her, so does it really matter if you fantasize about her doing something she wouldn't normally do? Like, if you imagine her cooking dinner but she doesn't end up cooking dinner, was your fantasy actually harmful in any real way? You imagined her acting in a way that wasn't reflected by reality, but it didn't change your opinion of her, right?

Anyway, I definitely do not suggest fantasizing about her... in my experience that just makes everything worse. :/

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Pandante

It's just the inclusion of the word "completely" that's causing the trouble. You already have a not accurate view of her, so does it really matter if you fantasize about her doing something she wouldn't normally do? Like, if you imagine her cooking dinner but she doesn't end up cooking dinner, was your fantasy actually harmful in any real way? You imagined her acting in a way that wasn't reflected by reality, but it didn't change your opinion of her, right?

Anyway, I definitely do not suggest fantasizing about her... in my experience that just makes everything worse. :/

Ah, ok, thanks for clarifying. Yup, you're absolutely right there! My opinion and love for her is not bound to an accurate image of her. But thanks for the warning, i also don't think fantasizing about her helps. I usually just think of her afterwards, and remind/reassure myself that she is still the most important person in my life, and i feel very happy.

Maybe you could try more for three to six months and see how you feel, and then if it's still not working, try less.

Sounds like a good plan! I'm going to do that :)

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joesantus

I do think it has gotten easier because I've gone so long...but, ahem, don't men need to at least on occasion? Whereas, with women it might cause some mental frustration more than anything else if they don't?

Maybe you could try more for three to six months and see how you feel, and then if it's still not working, try less.

The monastery! I used to want to go there too! :lol:

Heheh...well, here's more TMI... For me, it all depends on whether you're meaning "sex" or "orgasm". I don't equate 'em -- I've always desired and enjoyed frequent (daily would have been ideal for most of my life) and hours-long sessions of sex, but can go for several days of such sessions (and have with extramarital partners) without really needing to orgasm. And, compounding that, I've always had a low degree of what is the opposite of "premature ejaculation" -- a condition called "retarded ejaculation", meaning I can stay aroused and erect for lengthy periods, with stimulation, without orgasm. So, while I need frequent sex, I don't necessarily need frequent orgasm.

Early in my marriage, when my Ace spouse and I had no clue what lay behind our sexual disparity and were coping miserably, I once went without sex OR orgasm for twelve months. (Of course, that explains why I've long been insane!)

Also, if guys goes without orgasm via sex, many will experience nocturnal emissions which will naturally relieve the physiological need for release.

So...need for "ahem" all depends on the particular guy, it seems, lol.

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Pandante

I do think it has gotten easier because I've gone so long...but, ahem, don't men need to at least on occasion? Whereas, with women it might cause some mental frustration more than anything else if they don't?

Maybe you could try more for three to six months and see how you feel, and then if it's still not working, try less.

The monastery! I used to want to go there too! :lol:

Heheh...well, here's more TMI... For me, it all depends on whether you're meaning "sex" or "orgasm". I don't equate 'em -- I've always desired and enjoyed frequent (daily would have been ideal for most of my life) and hours-long sessions of sex, but can go for several days of such sessions (and have with extramarital partners) without really needing to orgasm. And, compounding that, I've always had a low degree of what is the opposite of "premature ejaculation" -- a condition called "retarded ejaculation", meaning I can stay aroused and erect for lengthy periods, with stimulation, without orgasm. So, while I need frequent sex, I don't necessarily need frequent orgasm.

Early in my marriage, when my Ace spouse and I had no clue what lay behind our sexual disparity and were coping miserably, I once went without sex OR orgasm for twelve months. (Of course, that explains why I've long been insane!)

It's similar for me. I have come to separate the orgasm from "sex", and, of course, what I desire in an almost addicted way when, for example, i am walking around the city and looking at the ladies around I pass is sex, and all the intimacy involved.

For a year now, I find it difficult to reach orgasm and sometimes stop earlier while masturbating, still quite satisfied. I was starting to think that my "retarded ejaculation" might be a symptom of being addicted to sex and always using porn to stimulate me. Maybe i'm worrying too much, though. At any rate, I can totally understand needing frequent sex, but not frequent orgasms.

Oh, you've gone one year without too! I'm impressed. It is unimaginable to me. And it made you insane! >< But, if i turn this into a serious question, how tough was it in truth?

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Ferric Chanticleer

If it helps, the image you have of her is already false. But now we may be stepping into a philosophical black hole...

(Here's one sort of fun treatment of that, without really getting deep into it.)

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joesantus

It was absolutely miserable.

It did get easier after the first four months or so, at least on the day-to-day basis. And, trying to evaluate myself objectively, I suspect my "success" (in a warped sense of that word!) was largely due to me apparently being born with a higher-than-average capacity for exercising self-control and self-discipline across all areas of my life.

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trapped.within.limbo

Tough situation you have got going on, though I feel like I can relate.

As others have said, masturbating once or twice a week is low. I'm more of a once or twice a day kind of person.

For me, orgasm through sex vs. Through masturbation is sufficiently different that I can quite happily have sex 3 times in a week, without masturbating on additional days. No sex leads to the once or twice a day situation.

My sex drive is just as natural as her lack of it, so personally I don't believe in turning myself off. I'm curious as to why you feel porn and masturbation is a bad thing?

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Serran

For being satisfied without ejaculation - there is a practice used by tantric sex philosophies that involves orgasm without ejaculation. Some people believe that ejaculation more than once every 6 weeks is unhealthy mentally/emotionally/spiritually/physically so purposefully don't do it. It's possible to orgasm without ejaculation, apparently. I would not worry, as long as you are satisfied by it rather than even more frustrated. I know you were totally joking about the monastery bit, but there are meditation and mental focus exercises used by monks and other people who choose celibacy that some people find helpful in dealing with prolonged periods of no sex. Doesn't require being religious to use the exercises.

And LG - the need for men in the medical sense is debated. A lot of doctors will say "If your body needs it, you will have nocturnal emissions". The often quoted study of "ejaculating often helps prevent cancer" was conducted by a group asking 55+ year old men to list their lifetime ejaculation schedules. As in, remember exactly how often they ejaculated 20-30 years ago. Then, they took their cancer rates and compared it to that. Not including other factors for cancer - such as family history, diet, exercise, etc. So, it's a very flawed study. And left the issue up for even more debate.

Why an ace woman was looking up male ejaculation? AVEN conversations get you researching in the most unusual places (a previous conversation about semen retention made me interested enough to do some digging). :lol:

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joesantus

AVEN conversations get you researching in the most unusual places (a previous conversation about semen retention made me interested enough to do some digging). :lol:

...as does seeking understanding of at least the "whats" and "whys" while searching for solutions to "outside-the-box" personal and relationship quandries. So often, it's the people outside the box who end up knowing more about the box than the majority do who are in it!

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Philip027
It sounds like you and your wife are not sexually compatible at all. Have you thought about finding another sex partner? Another girlfriend or friend with benefits? Since she's asexual she probably wouldn't object.

Just want to chime in here along with some others, that sort of thing would also not be ok with me.

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BlackRose

It sounds like you and your wife are not sexually compatible at all. Have you thought about finding another sex partner? Another girlfriend or friend with benefits? Since she's asexual she probably wouldn't object.

Just want to chime in here along with some others, that sort of thing would also not be ok with me.

Care to explain why?

I'm imagining the following conversation:

Sexual Partner: Hey, so sex is really really important to me. It's so important that the lack of it is causing serious problems in our relationship and affecting my mental health. I'm miserable and I need some help.

Asexual Partner: I'm sex-repulsed, so I can't help you there.

Sexual Partner: I understand that, so what I was planning on doing was finding another partner. Since it's so important to me, and it's not something that you can help me with, that seems like the best solution here.

Asexual Partner: Sorry, even though I'm not interested in sex, and even though I know it's really important to you and you're suffering, I'm not ok with that.

That just does not seem reasonable or fair to me. The sexual partner clearly has the "moral high ground here." You don't get to control someone else's sexuality. If you're not comfortable having sex or doing anything else with a partner, that's your right, but you then can't reasonably request that they shut that part of themselves out. I would consider that controlling and abusive.

Thank you all for your answers and encouragement!

It's quite comforting to know that my libido may not be high enough to label myself a sex-addict. Perhaps the reason I am anxious is not so much the rate of masturbating, but how the desire for sex is uncontrollably interfering with my life, in particular it is affecting my productivity at work.

BlackRose, the marriage is working, except for the sexual intimacy part. My wife does care for my sexual needs, but she just can't do anything about it because she is sex-repulsed. I personally am open about the idea of seeing someone else for my sexual needs, but my wife isn't and so that's out of the question too. Yeah, I don't want to see prostitutes.

Serran, yeah cardboard-cutouts do it for me too most of the time. It's not physically unhealthy, but i feel mentally ill at ease, I can't concentrate, and feel powerless and disappointed at myself for not being able to control it. I'm also scared that I might (emotionally) hurt people i stare at or flirt with too much.

A couple points. First, the whole idea of "sex addiction" is not really legitimate. It's not an accepted or recognized addiction or disorder. And second, having a high drive for sex wouldn't make you an "addict." There is nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, or a low sex drive.

Also, I don't understand when you say "I personally am open about the idea of seeing someone else for my sexual needs, but my wife isn't and so that's out of the question too." Especially since you say you are suffering and feel mentally ill at ease. Why does she get a say in what you do with other people? You can't let someone else control your mental health and sexuality like that.

There is no craigslist in Japan,

http://geo.craigslist.org/iso/jp

Opening a marriage to another sexual partner won't work unless the marriage partner agrees to it, and it's not good to advise people to simply take on another partner without such a discussion and agreement.

The marriage is not currently working as it is.Frankly, I don't see how it's her business whether or not he gets another sex partner, seeing as she doesn't seem to care about sex or his needs.
I agree with Sally here. It's not unheard of for people to go out on their partners, but I think that in a loving relationship, monogamy or polyamory is something that works best when those involved are honest and respectful of each other regarding that choice.

All relationships work best when people are honest and respectful; I can't really argue with that point.

And I agree that it's best for him to tell her about it and discuss it with her, should he decide to find other partners. However, I can't agree with giving her a "veto" on his ability to have sex with others. She does not need to agree to it, since it really isn't any of her business. It's like if your marriage partner wanted to veto you hanging out with your platonic friend... that's just not within the scope of being respectful. Letting her have that kind of veto would not be respecting his sexuality; it's letting her control it.

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