Dilemma

[thenextstep]

So this is my first post and I was hoping for some advice.

I think I'm asexual, it would explain a lot of things, but I'm not yet 100% sure. When I was growing up I was infatuated with sex. I had my first serious girlfriend when I was 18 which lasted 8 months. A couple of months into it I started having problems, I would always get an erection but as soon as I tried to penetrate her it would literally go completely flaccid. We put this down to condoms and so she went on to the pill and all was good. Then I tore my frenulum which left some painful scar tissue meaning it was really uncomfortable when I had sex. We stopped having sex and I remember feeling a huge sense of relief. I ended up always putting off sex saying that I didn't like condoms and that it was too painful without protection. We lasted another couple of months before we broke up. Since then I've done my best to avoid situations where I could have sex. There have been a few occasions where its almost happened but I've gotten out of the situation by saying that either I was too drunk or didn't have any condoms.

For the most part I haven't really missed sex at all, but there are still occasions where I wish I could sleep with someone who I really like. I have known this girl for 10 years and there has always been chemistry there. I have been infatuated with her for ages and last year I finally decided that it was time to stop running away and tell her how I felt, it ended up not working out as she said she wasn't ready. But then a couple of months ago she came back into my life saying she wanted a relationship. I was hesitant at first because I still felt I had issues with regards to sex but I liked her so much I thought it was worth the risk and I was hoping that maybe I was ready for sex again. We have been dating for close to 2 months and the situation never arose where we ended up staying the night. I felt some sexual frustration because I really wanted to be with her but also some relief that we hadn't come to that bridge of being in bed together...until a few days ago.

I stayed around and messed around but didn't have penetrative sex, I'm not sure if I wanted it or not. I would assume that most sexuals would be in heaven being in bed together with someone they have pretty much loved for 10 years! I'm honestly not sure whether I didn't want to have sex because its been so long and I have performance related issues or if its because I'm just no longer interested in sex!

I know she really likes me, as I do her, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I have misled her into believing that I'm someone I'm actually not. I haven't done this on purpose and I hoped everything would work out well but I'm not sure they will anymore. It would be easiest for me to say things weren't working out and that maybe we should go our seperate ways but a) I don't want this because I really want to be with her and b) I owe her truth. I have never told anyone about this and she would be the first and I'm slightly worried how she would react.

She's away over christmas and I'm away for a month after that so I need to tell her something before then because its not fair if I string it out over a long period of time. What I hope is going to happen is that whatever issues I have are just performance anxiety due bad sexual experiences in the past and will sort themselves out. They might be but I also feel there is a real risk that I'm no longer interested in sex. Period! I am meeting her in a few days so need to say something. I don't want to close the door on her completely but want to be as truthful as I can with her.

This is what I hope the problem is. That due to bad sexual experiences in the past at the moment I'm not that interested in sex, once I break that barrier in my head that sex is not painful everything will be fine. But the problem is I'm not that sure whether everything will be fine!

I guess I'm just looking for advice as what you would do? I obviously have to tell her something, and that something has to be the truth...but I don't know what the truth is!!! I don't know whether I have performance issues that can be fixed or whether I'm not interested in sex anymore. I really don't want to hurt her and its still early enough for the damage not to be too severe but I don't want to promise her that everything is going to be OK eventually because it may not be!

I guess the essence is how would you react to being told by someone you like and were dating/in the early stages of a relationship with to the above. I feel so guilty about the whole situation. I'm at a loss as to what to do! I just don't know what is up with me and don't want to promise things I can't deliver but also don't want lose someone that I like/love when everything might work out!

I'm sure this all sounds slightly confused which is pretty much what my head is like at the moment.

Thanks

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome! I think how she reacts is going to depend a lot on what her private thoughts are regarding sexual expectations and hopes. I also think telling her just what you told us would be the best way to go. It's honest and heartfelt and pretty much covers past issues along with current fears.

If it was me I think I would be willing to see how things go for awhile longer and just try to take it easy/be as relaxed as possible about it. Sex might not be something she's 100% comfortable with or confident about either.

I know I didn't say much, but it's my initial thoughts on the matter. I think it shows how much you care that you want to be honest, and I think she'll appreciate it too.

[Pandante]

Welcome ! Don't be too harsh on yourself, i don't think you've done anything wrong or anything that misled her.

I agree with Lady Girl that you should pretty much tell her what you so eloquently wrote in your post. It's the truth. The truth is that you don't know the truth. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

And it's all the more important for her to know that you don't know the truth yet. Then she can help you figure it out. In fact, you need her in order to figure out whether it is past experiences or an inherent asexuality that is keeping you from sex.

You've only been dating for a few months, and you've been taking it slowly, so, if anything, it's good timing to talk with her about it at the next opportunity. It may be a more serious conversation than you've had with her so far, but if she likes you and cares for you a lot and wants to be with you, she'll listen and try to work it out together with you.