The Success Stories Thread

[Lilibulero]

This might sound offensive, but, in a site for asexuals, why is having a relationship entitled 'success stories'?

 

Just asking for the odd person like myself who doesn't see having a relationship as a life goal or a personal attainment.

 

It kinda adds to the shed load of external pressure that is already exerted by society.

 

 Not intending to diss anyone who's found a QPR or a romantic relationship, but- no doubt it'll be 'cue the outrage'...

[Nika]

28 minutes ago, Lilibulero said:

This might sound offensive, but, in a site for asexuals, why is having a relationship entitled 'success stories'?

 

Just asking for the odd person like myself who doesn't see having a relationship as a life goal or a personal attainment.

 

It kinda adds to the shed load of external pressure that is already exerted by society.

 

 Not intending to diss anyone who's found a QPR or a romantic relationship, but- no doubt it'll be 'cue the outrage'...

Because this thread is in the board for asexual relationships. "success stories" refers to success stories about relationships specifically here, and on a different part of the forum it would likely refer to whatever that board is about.

[Rain dancer81]

7 hours ago, Lilibulero said:

This might sound offensive, but, in a site for asexuals, why is having a relationship entitled 'success stories'?

 

Just asking for the odd person like myself who doesn't see having a relationship as a life goal or a personal attainment.

 

It kinda adds to the shed load of external pressure that is already exerted by society.

 

 Not intending to diss anyone who's found a QPR or a romantic relationship, but- no doubt it'll be 'cue the outrage'...

I am currently married in a mixed relationship. It’s hard, we are fundamentally incompatible. I love everything about being married and in a relationship aside from sex. We function as a team… we cook together, go out to eat together, go on vacation together, raise our children together. I do not think asexuals should have to choose between having sex or living alone. I would love to have what I have now with my husband but with an asexual person who has no expectation of sex… ever. 
 

If you don’t mind being alone I think that’s great. I would find it lonely and be very sad and it’s nice to read stories if asexuals who have found eachother and found happiness. Gives me hope for when my marriage inevitably falls apart 

[Lilibulero]

Yes, I get it that you'd feel lonely and sad, if you had to suddenly forego your relationship.

I'd find it sad that you'd feel sad. Therein lies the difference. Here's hoping you can keep the relationship and both be happy then @Juniper Lily

[Alank2]

 When I first saw this post, nearly 10 years ago, I never thought I end up writing here. Life is truly unpredictable, and I think my story may end up being one of the most unusual ones here, funnily enough.

 

 Where to start. I found out I'm asexual over a decade ago, and realized I'm also aromantic few years later. I never felt lonely, or in need of a relationship, and was really happy just having my friends and my mom around. I had a circle of close friends, some for more then a half of my life, and everything was good.

 

 However, 3 years ago, one of my closest friends, someone I knew for over a decade, told me something unexpected. She realized she was genderfluid. Being from a very conservative, religious family, she was scared, thought she had a 'problem' and was really unhappy to put it mildly. I was even  worried she would hurt herself.

 

 I made sure to explain to her that she's amazing, and doesn't have a 'problem'. I was supporting her, and doing my best to make her feel better and accepting herself. It quickly led to a lot of hugging, cuddling, and generally stuff that usually happens in relationships. It turned out she was actually attracted to me, but knowing I'm aroace she never did anything about it.

 Somehow, after few weeks, we decided we're basically a pair... somehow. We were spending a lot of time together, and it was really nice. I was also going to move out from my mom's flat and live by myself soon, and with her parents being who they were she didn't want to stay with them as well. (For the record, my mom was 100% supportive of me being ace; it took her a little more time and effort to accept me being aromantic, she was really worried I will end up lonely and sad, but she admitted it was her issue, not mine, and never even once tried to dissuade me).

 So. We ended up living together, and it proved to be a really nice thing. I still don't feel all those romantic feeling that allo people describe, and she knows that. However, what we have is basically 'closest friends, now with hugs, cuddles and anything else we want'. She is really happy with me, and I try treat her well, trying to make sure she's happy and all her needs are fulfilled. From my perspective, I now live with a person I can count on, who is very nice to me, and provides me with unlimited amount of affection, hugs, and everything else that I may ever need. It's nice having someone to help when I'm ill or vice versa, or feeling a little down.

 We do have sex sometimes, since I'm not sex-repulsed. Sometimes I'm even in mood for it, very, very rarely. We theoretically have an open relationship, and she's even polyamorous, but for now she's happy with me and not looking for anyone or anything else. She is also very, very in love with me, which feels surprisingly nice. Knowing she has all those emotions and feelings for me, despite knowing I'm aromantic. Sometimes it's a little overwhelming, seeing her being so much in love with me - seriously, now I'm starting to believe all those songs, books and stories about people being crazily in love - but it's still nice.

 She also helped me immensely lately, as much or even more then I helped her when she was at her lowest. I caught Covid and probably only survived thanks to vaccine, but it wrecked me a lot. She is now supporting me and helping as much as she can for that past year.

 In the meantime, she also realized she's actually trans, not genderfluid. It didn't change much for me, but I was happy to see her fully accept herself and slowly grow happier, as long as she was herself.

 ... it probably doesn't sound too aromantic, but I must say I enjoy this relationship we have. I help her, she helps me, we spend time together any time we want. We play boardgames, video games, discuss things. It's really nice. I'm happy she accepts that I don't have all those romantic feelings, but still do all the things allo people do to make her happy.

 But still, I must say that I'm actually happy I'm aromantic. Please don't take it the wrong way, it's just that looking at her being crazy in love with me is overwhelming at times. I can't imagine having such strong feelings and emotions on top of my normal life, how do allo people not explode from all that? And polyamorous people can even feel multiples of that?? XD
 
 

[Prince Candy]

14 hours ago, Alank2 said:

 When I first saw this post, nearly 10 years ago, I never thought I end up writing here. Life is truly unpredictable, and I think my story may end up being one of the most unusual ones here, funnily enough.

 

 Where to start. I found out I'm asexual over a decade ago, and realized I'm also aromantic few years later. I never felt lonely, or in need of a relationship, and was really happy just having my friends and my mom around. I had a circle of close friends, some for more then a half of my life, and everything was good.

 

 However, 3 years ago, one of my closest friends, someone I knew for over a decade, told me something unexpected. She realized she was genderfluid. Being from a very conservative, religious family, she was scared, thought she had a 'problem' and was really unhappy to put it mildly. I was even  worried she would hurt herself.

 

 I made sure to explain to her that she's amazing, and doesn't have a 'problem'. I was supporting her, and doing my best to make her feel better and accepting herself. It quickly led to a lot of hugging, cuddling, and generally stuff that usually happens in relationships. It turned out she was actually attracted to me, but knowing I'm aroace she never did anything about it.

 Somehow, after few weeks, we decided we're basically a pair... somehow. We were spending a lot of time together, and it was really nice. I was also going to move out from my mom's flat and live by myself soon, and with her parents being who they were she didn't want to stay with them as well. (For the record, my mom was 100% supportive of me being ace; it took her a little more time and effort to accept me being aromantic, she was really worried I will end up lonely and sad, but she admitted it was her issue, not mine, and never even once tried to dissuade me).

 So. We ended up living together, and it proved to be a really nice thing. I still don't feel all those romantic feeling that allo people describe, and she knows that. However, what we have is basically 'closest friends, now with hugs, cuddles and anything else we want'. She is really happy with me, and I try treat her well, trying to make sure she's happy and all her needs are fulfilled. From my perspective, I now live with a person I can count on, who is very nice to me, and provides me with unlimited amount of affection, hugs, and everything else that I may ever need. It's nice having someone to help when I'm ill or vice versa, or feeling a little down.

 We do have sex sometimes, since I'm not sex-repulsed. Sometimes I'm even in mood for it, very, very rarely. We theoretically have an open relationship, and she's even polyamorous, but for now she's happy with me and not looking for anyone or anything else. She is also very, very in love with me, which feels surprisingly nice. Knowing she has all those emotions and feelings for me, despite knowing I'm aromantic. Sometimes it's a little overwhelming, seeing her being so much in love with me - seriously, now I'm starting to believe all those songs, books and stories about people being crazily in love - but it's still nice.

 She also helped me immensely lately, as much or even more then I helped her when she was at her lowest. I caught Covid and probably only survived thanks to vaccine, but it wrecked me a lot. She is now supporting me and helping as much as she can for that past year.

 In the meantime, she also realized she's actually trans, not genderfluid. It didn't change much for me, but I was happy to see her fully accept herself and slowly grow happier, as long as she was herself.

 ... it probably doesn't sound too aromantic, but I must say I enjoy this relationship we have. I help her, she helps me, we spend time together any time we want. We play boardgames, video games, discuss things. It's really nice. I'm happy she accepts that I don't have all those romantic feelings, but still do all the things allo people do to make her happy.

 But still, I must say that I'm actually happy I'm aromantic. Please don't take it the wrong way, it's just that looking at her being crazy in love with me is overwhelming at times. I can't imagine having such strong feelings and emotions on top of my normal life, how do allo people not explode from all that? And polyamorous people can even feel multiples of that?? XD
 
 

Thanks for sharing. I’m happy that you have found a way to be happy together. I thought it was very cute when reading :)

[PunkWasp]

I initially met my girlfriend in a Discord server for aromantic folks before I figured out I was asexual! We started dating at the beginning of the pandemic (literally April 2020) and have been together for nearly three years now despite being in an LDR and not having been able to see each other in person yet.

While I am asexual, my negative feelings about sex come more from trauma and insecurity about my asexuality. My partner is asexual as well but sex-favorable, but has been completely respectful of my messy feelings about sex and reassures me regularly that she is fully capable of taking care of things on her own, makes sure to respect when I am sex-repulsed, and has managed to scare other people off when they disrespect my boundaries about sex. Essentially, she's my safe space.

My feelings on sex with her have changed naturally throughout the relationship and I'm now sex-neutral when it comes to her because I enjoy the intimacy, but I also know that if I'm feeling particularly repulsed she will respect it and that I can choose at any point to never do anything sexual with her again without damaging the relationship, which is a feeling I've never really had in other relationships. I can also ask her for reassurance and she understands (because she's also had some issues accepting her own asexuality) and will happily provide it. We're both polyamorous, but incredibly happy with just each other so far so realistically if we ended up never having other partners we'd still be content. She's working on turning a bus into a mobile home (a "skoolie") for us both to live in with her cat, who's named Little Kitty (because she couldn't figure out a name for her and then Little Kitty stuck).

We're also both on the aromantic spectrum, both bi/pan, and both trans (she's transfem while I'm nonbinary), so it's kinda neat to have a partner who understands me on literally all of those things. We actually started off as queerplatonic partners before both confessing to each other that we'd actually developed feelings that felt like they might be better described as romantic.

Also when she asked me out it was exactly a month after my birthday, so she also presented me with a late birthday gift shortly after I said yes (pixel art animation of the Seamoth from Subnautica, she knew I was hyperfixated on the game). We also voice called that day because we wanted to make a YouTube video together (coincidental timing it happened after she asked me out) and while she has selective mutism and I have severe anxiety especially with talking to new people, we ended up staying on call for five hours talking about everything but what we were supposed to discuss for our YouTube video.

Funny thing about how we met too: technically, we're only together today because I banned her from a Discord server. I argued with someone in the aro server and got kicked off, a few people from there including her had joined my Discord server as well so I got mad and banned all of them. She happened to have added me as a friend and even though she was about to leave the Discord server on her own, getting banned apparently fueled her with spite and she reached out to me to ask why she was banned. I'd gotten over the anger at that point so I was embarrassed and explained, and she went "yeah I don't like that other server either" and joined my server again. If not for my embarrassing anger issues - which have gotten better now and aren't really even an issue anymore - we would not have even become friends, much less partners. Kind of interesting to think about, because I felt so much shame about that issue at the time, but she literally saw it and went "Hmmm I guess I'll be friends with you actually".

I could go on, but I think I'll end my ramble here - my heart is just very full of love for her ❤️

[Zhorin]

@StarryNightAllAlone

 

The legend begins with an innocent compliment about TV shows. The receiver of said compliment started posting Q&A threads. I’m a private person by nature, but it’s easier for me to open up to people when I’m asked specific questions. I’m not very forthcoming about my personal life. She was polite and accepting of people’s responses, including my own, but she wasn't pushy about it either. Her interest and concern for others was genuine. This made me feel comfortable opening up more. I wanted to be her friend. In the beginning, I was afraid of saying something that would screw up our friendship, but she was always so understanding. As time passed, we started opening up more to each other. I grew to love her as a good friend. Once I got over my fear, we started communicating more openly and more frequently. We became best friends. On October 17, 2022, I realized that I was in love. I panicked at first and sent her an email confessing my feelings. I tried to be polite. I didn’t want my feelings to ruin our beautiful friendship, but I felt like she deserved to know. A couple hours later, to my surprise, she responded to the email saying that she returned my feelings. I discovered that she had been in love with me for a while. Before this revelation, I was still questioning my romantic orientation. She was being respectful of that. We were both shocked and delighted by this turn of events. After a couple days, we talked about our feelings and what they meant for our future. We realized that we want the same things out of life and that we're compatible. I was overjoyed that I didn’t lose my best friend. I found my person and she is also my best friend. I can't imagine my life without my sweetie in it.

[StarryNightAllAlone]

@Zhorin

 

Stardate 06.23.2021. It is on this day our legendary journey of friendship and love begins. After a rough year and a half, I started posting on AVEN. During this time, I was very lonely and depressed. I was searching for friendship and a place to belong. Little did I know, I would meet the greatest friend I’ve ever known. On the aforementioned day, I received a compliment about my taste in TV shows. This little compliment would change my life forever. From the moment he complimented me, I developed a crush on him. I felt an immediate connection with him and I discovered my mission: to become his friend. This mission would become my obsession. I was determined to win him over. My Q&As were the perfect opportunity for us to get to know each other. He was shy at first, but eventually he opened up more. I was always excited when I saw that he replied to one of my threads. We began PMing each other regularly. As we grew closer, my feelings for him deepened and I grew to love him. We exchanged emails and communicated outside of AVEN. We became best friends. During the summer of 2022, I realized I was in love with him. At the time, he was unsure about his romantic orientation and I wanted to respect his feelings. I was happy being his best friend. On October 17, 2022, I received an email from him. This email would blow my mind. He said he had feelings for me and he had to tell me. He was respectful about it. He didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I was shocked and delighted. It was a dream come true. All of my life, I was waiting to find my soulmate. I am so happy to have found him at last. He is my best friend, my boyfriend, and my person. My life wouldn’t be complete without my lovey in it.

[daveb]

Darn it, @Zhorin and @StarryNightAllAlone! I am literally crying tears of joy reading your posts.   

I am so happy for you both!   

[Guest]

Hi there,

I'm posting this here because I think it's the best place to get some advice from asexuals.

I'm sexual married to an asexual whose interest in sex is -0.

The question is how do I find intimacy without sex. The spark of wanting and being wanted. Being special and making the other person feel special.

I've read about, massages, cooking, holding hands and so forth. But what I'm really interested in is knowing how asexuals in successful relationships find intimacy outside of kinks and things one would do with a good friend or sibling.

I thank you in advance for sharing your stories.

 

 

 

[Olallieberry]

On 1/8/2023 at 1:07 PM, Astutusdomina said:

Hi there,

I'm posting this here because I think it's the best place to get some advice from asexuals.

I'm sexual married to an asexual whose interest in sex is -0.

The question is how do I find intimacy without sex. The spark of wanting and being wanted. Being special and making the other person feel special.

I've read about, massages, cooking, holding hands and so forth. But what I'm really interested in is knowing how asexuals in successful relationships find intimacy outside of kinks and things one would do with a good friend or sibling.

I thank you in advance for sharing your stories.

 

 

 

My asexual wife and I have been exploring exactly this.

 

Here's what I can tell you: Nobody would have been able to answer that question for us. We're still figuring it out for ourselves. We talk about it several nights a week, and we try different things several days/nights a week.

 

Sex was the beginning of the conversation. When it was clear she doesn't want it, she was the one who pretty much asked me in exactly those words you used, because I told her that it wasn't just the sex.

 

Here's one really good development: Once sex was off the table, we discovered that we were now free to express affection and intimacy in ways we both had been reluctant to, before. We had both been holding ourselves back - me, because I didn't want her to think it was going to turn into pressure for sex, and her, because she didn't want me to think it would go further.

 

I've seen at least two other spouses on AVEN say they experienced something similar once asexuality was clearly part of their relationships.

 

So, this has turned out pretty well, as far as affection and intimacy goes. We're more cuddly now than we have been for years. We spent more time in bed together in the last several weeks than in maybe the eight years previous. We actually tune in to each other at other times and pay attention to whether each other wants or needs something.

 

It's definitely different than a good friend or sibling. It's a partnership, a marriage.

 

Just start the conversation. Tell her you want intimacy without sex. Tell her how important it is to you to feel like you are her special person.

 

Be ready to do the same for her, too! And don't wait for her to ask for something! If she sees that you are presently able to give of yourself for her sake, for the relationship's sake, it will go a long way toward reassuring her that she can open up and do the same.

 

It might be worth it to say this out loud: You want to explore with her how your relationship is different and more than a sibling or friend type relationship.

 

I wouldn't say any of this to a stranger on the internet if I hadn't done it myself with good results, in what sounds like a very similar situation.

 

This is still new for us, but I feel a hell of a lot better about her and us.

 

Longer term, there's more to work out, but we're off to a good start because we're communicating really honestly.

 

Good luck!

 

[HappilyEverafter]

On 12/30/2013 at 2:55 PM, Quiggy said:

I met a user called Psych971 on this site in the year 2005.

It began with a simple forum post. I asked if there were other people who wanted to chat. My expectations were to find an online asexual friend or two, certainly not a romantic partner.

We started chatting online every few days, and it quickly blossomed into romantic interest. 2006, we began a long distance relationship (I lived in Canada, he lived in the US), and visited each other several times a year. I later lived with him in the US for two years and finished my degree.

We now reside in Canada, and have been together for eight years. We got married earlier this year!

I want to say to all asexuals in search of a significant other: keep searching. Online relationships will likely be long distance at first, but real love and commitment will withstand such barriers. Efforts made to maintain such a relationship gives greater testament to its strength if both parties believe it is worth it.

There are more members on this site now (and even asexual dating sites, which didn't exist back in the day!). Furthermore, asexuality is gaining more understanding, which makes finding a special someone who shares your orientation easier.

Although this isn't an asexual dating site per se, (and I certainly wasn't using it as such), make a friend and who knows, you might find much more than you expect.

I married my best friend, thanks to AVEN.

Reading this makes me so happy! Aww ... Stay happy forever! 🙌

[Kenkenni]

So today, I came out to my allo husband of twenty years. He was accepting, reassuring, curious and grateful and admiring that I'd shared with him. I love him so and I'm so lucky to have him in my life. 

[Olallieberry]

19 hours ago, Kenkenni said:

So today, I came out to my allo husband of twenty years. He was accepting, reassuring, curious and grateful and admiring that I'd shared with him. I love him so and I'm so lucky to have him in my life. 

That's how it was when my wife came out to me.

[Kenkenni]

On 1/25/2023 at 4:02 PM, Ollie415 said:

That's how it was when my wife came out to me.

So lovely. I'm sure she felt similarly blessed. ♥️

[winter solstice 冬至]

Having seen many successful stories here, I feel it really matters to get to know how  your parents feel love instead of how others feel about love. I’m less worried now. It’s possible.

[JadeBat]

Wanted to gush a little about my boyfriend. So we've been dating just over 3 months now (but feels like longer...time is weird 😂) and I can honestly say I've never been so comfortable in a relationship and felt so loved. At the start I was worried it may not work out because he is Bi and I'm Ace but we had a lot in common when I read his profile that I thought if it didn't work romantically could get a really good friend out of meeting. But it did and so far has been a great relationship. One of the many reasons I feel that we've been successful is the communication on not just boundaries but generally. Also intimacy wise as it's a ace/allo (and very low if any libido / high libido) relationship there is a level of compromise but always in my favour as I'm the one with more hard boundaries on what I'm comfortable doing but it never fazes my boyfriend as he loves me and the intimacy is just a bonus. We are also both big cuddlers so that probably helps ☺️

 

We talk everyday (text mostly) and (work schedules allowing) see eachother every few weeks in person and every week virtually at least. Even though it's early days I am very hopeful for the future of this relationship and look forward to seeing how it develops and goes 🥰

 

*Update*

We are been dating just over a year now and still going strong and still very much in love and happy 💕

 

Anyway gush over 😂😂

[Guest]

On 11/30/2013 at 12:49 AM, Philiarocks said:

My platonic partner and I have been in a relationship for about a year now. I don't think I've ever had such a wonderful friend-- I love her so much, and I have learned so much from her. There have been a few hiccups, but overall things couldn't be better! She is my family.

This gives me so much hope! Thank you for sharing. 

[AnimalChin]

I’m wondering if I want to be in a platonic relationship with a woman? I’m middle aged and thinking that growing old by myself might be very lonely.

[LBibliophile]

I was first introduced to the idea that I might be asexual (demisexual, at the time) as part of my partner dermining that she is transgender. We got together several months later, each as the other's second ever relationship.

Initially we tried the more usual sexual activities, but we gradually found our explorations leaning more towards kink or sensual activities; we mutually decided that sex is ok, but things like non-sexual skin contact (both cuddling and intense carressing) can be so much more satisfying. At the same time we both relised that we are actually at various points on the asexuality spectrum (and in my case, the more I examined it the further along the spectrum I found myself).

Six years on, we are looking back at our relationship and marvelling at just how much it has changed, and yet we managed to keep pace with each other so we never felt our relationship was out of sync. It was (and is) a lovely journey of joint self-discovery.

[AnimalChin]

I’m coming to terms with the sexual trauma I experienced as a child. I’m not sure if it was the cause of my asexuality but I’m not too concerned as i don’t mind not having sex. I do feel like it would be nice to have a relationship with a woman even long distance.

[Hypnotic]

I am single and frequently I just feel depressed that I will ever find anyone to have a relationship with but this thread does give me some hope I can find someone!  What I'm taking from these last few comments is actually being asexual romantic can be a positive thing in that it really makes you explore & discuss with your partner different kinds of intimacy.  Being romantic and asexual often feels like a curse because sex is so revered & I know that for many it is a need, but romantic intimacy is also a need. 

 

I just hope to meet someone as open minded to explore this with, perhaps one day I will be reporting back with positive news  

[D. Gadfly]

@Hypnoticlooking forward to it! I came out to my wife when we were just friends but she never understood the depth of what I was saying and thought she was asexual to just because she didn't want sex at all times. Once we got married there was huge growing pain in our relationship where I was more or less coerced into sex for a little while with the reason that I must not love her or think she's attractive if I don't want it. It took her a few years to fully understand but I'm so glad we never gave up on trying to make it work. Maybe one day I'll post the full story but I would want her permission. Either way there are happy endings for us in the dating and marriage realm.

[NPryz]

I feel that I should share my story on this thread. I'm in a relationship with an allosexual person and it simply could not be better. 

When I realized I was asexual, there was a while there when I thought I'd never be in a long-term relationship because of how coveted sex is in relationships, according to society. It left me feeling hopeless, because while I don't ever want sex, I would like to have romantic relationships, and I feel like I have a lot to offer in that regard. Here's my story:  

 

I recently graduated from college and during my senior year I was in a kick-ass bluegrass band (I'm the banjo player). One of my bandmates had been a friend since freshman year, and we were happy to be in this band together, playing awesome music and getting to play shows many days a week.

The last month of the school year, she had apparently begun to develop feelings for me. I was oblivious to this, and she told me later she never thought anything would happen because I'm ace and had spoken to her and my other bandmate about it a lot, since I had my self-realization moment earlier that year. Fast-forward a bit, and we get together the same night we graduate from college... knowing that the next day we are leaving campus to start our new lives (great timing, I know). 

 

I definitely struggled to define what feelings I had for her, because I'm just always really unsure of what having a "crush" really means. The two of us didn't make anything official right off the bat, and because we were moving to opposite sides of the country for jobs, we didn't know what the future would hold and whether it was worth pursuing whatever "this" was. In this time of limbo, me driving to the west coast and her driving to the east, we continued to text and FaceTime, our more-than-friends bond growing stronger. And this entire time I remained open about not knowing what I was feeling...for her, or just about this situationship in general. Many people would have been insecure with this information or seen it as a red flag, but she was only understanding, patient, and remained steadfast about giving me the time and support to help me figure myself out. 

 

We decided to visit each other to help us understand whether this was something we should continue to pursue. About a month after we left campus, I visited her on the east coast. By the second day we decided to make it official-- under the caveat that I am still figuring out my asexuality and our relationship might need to remain flexible in whatever way is appropriate overtime. She accepted those terms immediately and from that moment on I have felt like the luckiest person in the world. 

 

My girlfriend wants to understand me and my asexuality, and all of the ways we think differently. She's reading my copy of Ace by Angela Chen, and calls me when she has a question about one of my annotations or underlines. I have not once been pressured into having sex. There is always a surrounding conversation about how far we want to go that time. For me, I only want the physical intimacy that, for most people, just leads to sex. Her being allo, she wants the sex part too. By maintaining an open line of communication and an understanding of the other's needs, we are able to fulfill all of our needs without leaving any left out. 

 

What more can I say besides I feel like I hit the jackpot? I have never felt like I need to explain myself or why I am the way that I am. I have a partner who doesn't feel threatened by the fact that I sometimes can't explain my feelings or that I'm not sexually attracted to her, or that I occasionally don't want to kiss her. We have open communication about anything and everything, and once you have that in a relationship you are golden.

There are people out there who will love you for who you are, not for a changed version of yourself. Don't feel like you need to close yourself off to opportunity because of your asexuality, like I once did. You NEVER KNOW what can happen. Give people a chance, and sometimes love will flourish. 

 

 

My girlfriend and I have plans to work at a ski resort in the Pacific Northwest this winter so we can get a taste of what living together/closer to each other would be like. Plus she's going to be a ski patroller which is super badass. I lucked out!! Thanks for reading ❤️ 

 

[Hypnotic]

On 9/14/2023 at 9:27 PM, D. Gadfly said:

@Hypnoticlooking forward to it! I came out to my wife when we were just friends but she never understood the depth of what I was saying and thought she was asexual to just because she didn't want sex at all times. Once we got married there was huge growing pain in our relationship where I was more or less coerced into sex for a little while with the reason that I must not love her or think she's attractive if I don't want it. It took her a few years to fully understand but I'm so glad we never gave up on trying to make it work. Maybe one day I'll post the full story but I would want her permission. Either way there are happy endings for us in the dating and marriage realm.

That's great you managed to work it out! I think its really difficult for non asexuals to understand that not wanting sex doesn't equate with not feeling love and attraction.  

[Hypnotic]

On 9/15/2023 at 12:29 AM, NPryz said:

I feel that I should share my story on this thread. I'm in a relationship with an allosexual person and it simply could not be better. 

When I realized I was asexual, there was a while there when I thought I'd never be in a long-term relationship because of how coveted sex is in relationships, according to society. It left me feeling hopeless, because while I don't ever want sex, I would like to have romantic relationships, and I feel like I have a lot to offer in that regard. Here's my story:  

 

I recently graduated from college and during my senior year I was in a kick-ass bluegrass band (I'm the banjo player). One of my bandmates had been a friend since freshman year, and we were happy to be in this band together, playing awesome music and getting to play shows many days a week.

The last month of the school year, she had apparently begun to develop feelings for me. I was oblivious to this, and she told me later she never thought anything would happen because I'm ace and had spoken to her and my other bandmate about it a lot, since I had my self-realization moment earlier that year. Fast-forward a bit, and we get together the same night we graduate from college... knowing that the next day we are leaving campus to start our new lives (great timing, I know). 

 

I definitely struggled to define what feelings I had for her, because I'm just always really unsure of what having a "crush" really means. The two of us didn't make anything official right off the bat, and because we were moving to opposite sides of the country for jobs, we didn't know what the future would hold and whether it was worth pursuing whatever "this" was. In this time of limbo, me driving to the west coast and her driving to the east, we continued to text and FaceTime, our more-than-friends bond growing stronger. And this entire time I remained open about not knowing what I was feeling...for her, or just about this situationship in general. Many people would have been insecure with this information or seen it as a red flag, but she was only understanding, patient, and remained steadfast about giving me the time and support to help me figure myself out. 

 

We decided to visit each other to help us understand whether this was something we should continue to pursue. About a month after we left campus, I visited her on the east coast. By the second day we decided to make it official-- under the caveat that I am still figuring out my asexuality and our relationship might need to remain flexible in whatever way is appropriate overtime. She accepted those terms immediately and from that moment on I have felt like the luckiest person in the world. 

 

My girlfriend wants to understand me and my asexuality, and all of the ways we think differently. She's reading my copy of Ace by Angela Chen, and calls me when she has a question about one of my annotations or underlines. I have not once been pressured into having sex. There is always a surrounding conversation about how far we want to go that time. For me, I only want the physical intimacy that, for most people, just leads to sex. Her being allo, she wants the sex part too. By maintaining an open line of communication and an understanding of the other's needs, we are able to fulfill all of our needs without leaving any left out. 

 

What more can I say besides I feel like I hit the jackpot? I have never felt like I need to explain myself or why I am the way that I am. I have a partner who doesn't feel threatened by the fact that I sometimes can't explain my feelings or that I'm not sexually attracted to her, or that I occasionally don't want to kiss her. We have open communication about anything and everything, and once you have that in a relationship you are golden.

There are people out there who will love you for who you are, not for a changed version of yourself. Don't feel like you need to close yourself off to opportunity because of your asexuality, like I once did. You NEVER KNOW what can happen. Give people a chance, and sometimes love will flourish. 

 

 

My girlfriend and I have plans to work at a ski resort in the Pacific Northwest this winter so we can get a taste of what living together/closer to each other would be like. Plus she's going to be a ski patroller which is super badass. I lucked out!! Thanks for reading ❤️ 

 

I LOVE this ❤️. 

 

I definitely have been closing myself off to opportunity due to being asexual but I'm really trying not to now. 

[Hypnotic]

I'd be interested to hear some views from this thread specifically people in mixed sexual & asexual relationships on the idea that asexuals are actively harming sexuals by not meeting their needs for sex.  In my view their are a lot of other ways to be intimate with a partner outside of sex however I am not sexual so cannot fully understand how it is to feel desire & want to be desired back.  Does it depend on the individual how much importance they place on sex as opposed to other ways to be intimate ?

[Jenjenie]

5 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I'd be interested to hear some views from this thread specifically people in mixed sexual & asexual relationships on the idea that asexuals are actively harming sexuals by not meeting their needs for sex.  In my view their are a lot of other ways to be intimate with a partner outside of sex however I am not sexual so cannot fully understand how it is to feel desire & want to be desired back.  Does it depend on the individual how much importance they place on sex as opposed to other ways to be intimate ?

Ah that's guilt tripping. I would reply what about allos trying to force or actually forcing sexual interactions? That's the best way to create trauma in ace people. I am in an ace/allo relationship, together 19 years, he has someone he sees for when he needs sex. Took us a while to find this solution, our marriage matters to us, our relationship. Before I realised I am aroace, there was a lot of tension for years, this is gone. Our first solution was for myself to force having sex, it was never enough, then it was for him to not have any, now we both get our needs met. It demanded us to find an open minded way to see relationships, to accept both sides, to respect the other. 

[JadeBat]

On 10/21/2023 at 1:21 PM, Hypnotic said:

I'd be interested to hear some views from this thread specifically people in mixed sexual & asexual relationships on the idea that asexuals are actively harming sexuals by not meeting their needs for sex.  In my view their are a lot of other ways to be intimate with a partner outside of sex however I am not sexual so cannot fully understand how it is to feel desire & want to be desired back.  Does it depend on the individual how much importance they place on sex as opposed to other ways to be intimate ?

I used to feel and sometimes have moments of feeling like my boyfriend is missing out or not fulfilled as I'm asexual but my experience with him and also he puts those worries to bed if I ever feel insecure, feel it's a common insecurity in ace/allo relationship. But as in all relationships communication is key.

 

I'm in a Allo (Bi) / Ace relationship and for us it requires compromise on both sides but weighed in my favour because my boundaries are more firm around sexual activity. But I always feel safe and comfortable in the relationship and during intimacy and he feel happy and content with the intimacy we do share as we are both very cuddly and touchy feely people and the non-sexual intimacy is enough for us. I also compromise on sexual act (not sex) that I'm apathetic to which work well for us (and if he needs more he sorts himself out and is content to do so).

 

Again this is just our relationship but I'm sure there are other allos out there who also don't place as much importance on sex as other relationship intimacies.