The Success Stories Thread

[failing adult]

okay so this one is to prove that even an awkward soul like me, with no prior dating experience and limited social skills, can have a successful relationship

and that sometimes you meet people in odd circumstances 

ive been with my partner for over a year now, 15 months if my math is right? 

I love them so freaking much and they're my best friend and there's literally no one I'd rather spend time with 

anyway we met through friends, they were friends with a girl I know and would sit with at  lunch with us, I'm terribly awkward so instead of talking to them I offered them pretzels, every lunch, for w e e k s. 

to my eternal shame, I have to thank my best friend for us dating 

because my best friend sparked a debate in the friend group about CHIPMUNK SEX OF ALL THINGS except it was very sexualised and I hated it

back on track, me and my partner sat there in horror before I asked if they were okay and they turned to me and told me they were ace and we had a total spider man meme moment where I was like NO WAY ME TOO and then I asked for their number (just so we could talk about our friends behind their backs im not that smooth sorry guys) 

This lead to us realising we are both massive bloody nerds and in literally all the same fandoms,, which lead to many many conversations and we arranged a 'hang out' (the day before the hangout was arranged i was tackled to the floor by my friend , in public, because she caught me smiling at my phone and ask me if I had a crush on my partner. I died) 

so we hung out, ate cake in the park in the rain, made friends with some foreign exchange students and had races on the zip wires, it was fantastic 

then I walked them to the bus stop and THEY ASKED ME OUTTTT FOR A 'PROPER DATE' and I obviously said yes

the week after, we went on a date and then a walk and then I asked them out with this exact quote, no i dont know how I got them to date me either "well I like like you,,, so uh,, wanna date?" 

and then I walked them to the bus stop where they were meeting the tackler friend and I just shouted "we're dating now! " at her before actually running away at full speed. 

we talk everyday and we never get bored and I'm very happy

THE POINT OF THIS MINI NOVEL IS TO SHOW THAT EVEN IF YOU'VE NEVER DATED, DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH "TRADITIONAL" DATING OR UR A LIL BIT AWKWARD, THAT SOMEONE IS GONNA LIKE THAT EVEN OF IT TAKES A FEW TRIES

hope this helps at least someone a tiny bit

[Acegikm]

So this is a small, personal success of mine. I've recently come out to my boyfriend as ace. He's recently come out to me as bi with a preference for women. We've known each other for 12 years (I'm 19 in like 3 months). I feel so lucky to have someone that understands that I don't have any sexual desires. I was initially worried that he would take it to mean that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with him anymore but he was always so respectful. He asked permission before holding hands, hugging, kissing and he has never made me feel under pressure to do anything that I am uncomfortable with. We'll be together four years this June and honestly, I know that we're young and I'm not exactly the romantic type but I can see myself spending my life with this guy.

Edited February 2, 2021 by Acegikm

[Germ]

On 1/2/2021 at 10:57 PM, Acegikm said:

 I know that we're young and I'm not exactly the romantic type but I can see myself spending my life with this guy.

This is my dream's relationship. I don't care if there's no obvious displays of affection or "compliments" but I would like to think that I can trust with a guy for a lifetime 💧  (yes, I know that sounds complex because I people chance all the time, but I would put my effort if I see effort in the other part.)

[MoonSedai]

When I 'came out' to my husband, he nodded, and said "Okay," and asked a few questions. 
Since then, he's been supportive to the max. He asked to see the Pride flag for Asexual and Demisexual, and we went over the descriptions of the colors. 

I'm in a dream relationship, and I know it.

[LittlestAce]

Just wanted to add my little success story (even though it's kinda in other places here too, lol.) So I met my (first and only) boyfriend in college, and the interest in each other was pretty instant. We've had what I think most people would call a "normal" relationship, in that we seem to be a completely normal straight couple. But after the first few months of being together I really struggled with sex, (I think the first few months were fueled by weird hormones since my libido had never ever been "activated/used" before) which I thought then "turned into" no longer being sexually attracted to him. Slight background on me, I was homeschooled after the 6th grade through highschool, so I was never actually exposed to sex-crazed teenage-hood that some people talk about. I was only ever around people that talked about how good people looked, so my whole life I thought aesthetic attraction WAS sexual attraction. Oops, guess not! My boyfriend was the one who basically told me he thought I was asexual, and I was like no way dude, I think Jason Momoa is way too hot for me to be asexual. We had to have a very long conversation about sexual attraction after that, and this isn't the first time he's helped me in my road to self-discovery, lol. Luckily for us, I'm pretty sex-positive and I do enjoy the physical feeling of sex (but for whatever reason I absolutely hate masturbation,) and I have really strong sensual attraction to my boyfriend, so we just use that to help him get the sex he wants, and I get the physical closeness I want. We are very respectful of each other's wants and needs, and if I'm EVER uncomfortable with anything I let him know and we stop immediately. I honestly couldn't have asked for a more respectful and understanding partner, so I try and be that way for him too. Going strong 8 years!

Edited February 26, 2021 by LittlestAce

[harushinkai]

I hope to have my own success story here soon as I am currently on the lookout for a new relationship. Its not a necessity, but seeing these stories has given me hope that I can find someone who understands me too.

[krusk]

Not really a long term success story, but definitely has some promise. I have mentioned parts of it elsewhere on the site, but figured it fits here as well. 

 

It all started about 6 months ago...

 

At the time I didn't know I was asexual. I had recently turned 22 and decided it was time to try dating again. Due to the pandemic, I wasn't really in a position to be meeting new people, so I decided to try online dating. I went with Hinge, cause I wasn't interested in hookups and looking for something more long term, and heard that it was slightly better than other apps for that. So I made my profile and set out on a quest to find a girlfriend. 

 

5 days later, I saw a profile that intrigued me. First picture was of her posing with Captain America holding the shield, which is obviously one of the greatest pictures I've seen on the app. The rest of the profile seemed great, but there was one thing that gave me pause. It said that she was asexual. I didn't really know what asexuality was so I did some research and found some articles talking about what dating someone who is asexual is like. Sex had never seemed important to me, so I decided I would give her a like. 

 

I didn't hear back from her. I stayed online dating for a while, had a few matches but never really connected with anyone. 

 

Fast forward 2 months... 

 

I was considering just deleting my profile entirely when... She matched with me! She was able to put up with my horrible social awkwardness and for some reason (I genuinely don't understand why) actually seemed to enjoy spending time with me. We started to have skype calls with each other once a week and usually texting a bit in between. I started doing more research into asexuality to help understand her better and found I highly related to it. 2 weeks later, I told her I was ace and around the same time joined this wonderful community. 

 

We've been together now about 4 months. We've only met in person once, but once the pandemic is more under control here hopefully we can see each other more in person. We talk on skype twice a week and as far as I can tell its going well.  When I presented her with her valentines day gift of.... a PowerPoint presentation, she not only didn't break up with me, but actually really enjoyed it. We balance each other well, and it is always the highlight of my day when I get to see her. 

 

Hopefully this gives hope to someone, or someone finds comfort in it. Every relationship is unique and hopefully you can find someone who wants the same kind as you.   

[UsiresAedon]

"Success" can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. With that being said, a couple of weeks ago an AVEN user sent me a PM and we've been chatting non-stop ever since. After a week or so (once I felt comfortable) I gave her my number. She texts me while she's at work, she texts me while she's eating, and she even texts me when she's in the middle of an intense gaming session.

Speaking of games, yes, she's a gamer just like me. This allows us to enjoy online gaming together. And her voice is simply divine; I get goosebumps just from listening to her speak. It's good that we have hobbies that we can enjoy together remotely. She does live a few states over from me. She's certainly not local, but she's close enough.

After giving it some time, we plan on meeting up somewhere in real life. We haven't ironed out all of the details yet. But obviously we want to go somewhere together that will be safe, comfortable, and appropriate. Her and I could both use a vacation; we might meet up somewhere and get separate hotel rooms. 

I am trying my best to not fall for her too quickly. I don't want to come across as clingy or desperate. I am definitely not either of those two things. It's just that her and I have very deep conversations. She lets me be myself, and doesn't make me feel like I have to be anyone else. She accepts me for me; she even embraces my many flaws. In return, I am very patient with her. I never pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want to do, and I give her mountains of respect.

It's painfully obvious that I love her at this point. I know. Only two weeks later. But I can't help it. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. I told my therapist about it, and she told me that it sounds like (it could turn into) a very healthy relationship. I haven't exactly told her "I love you" yet, but I'm sure she knows. I am a lot more romantic than her. At least that's the vibe I get. But she told me she's not completely aromantic, so I'm hoping her and I can find a good middle ground as we get to know each other better.

And yeah. It's totally possible she doesn't reciprocate my feelings. I have already come to terms with this. But she has told me she likes me, and there are cues that indicate that she enjoys talking to me. So who knows? Perhaps as the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years, I can come back from time-to-time and give you guys some updates. Never in a million years would I have thought coming out as an asexual would be a good thing. But it just goes to show that if you take away the mask, people do like what's underneath.

[JadeBat]

It's early days but I wanted to gush a little about the guy I've been chatting to on the dating apps. 1) he is ace 2) we share so many interests (such a big dork) 3) he has goals and ambitions 4) he likes touch (non-sexual) and cuddles 5) he has a cute cat 6) He is pretty cute and looks nice 7) Since we started chatting we have messaged everyday! ☺️ Only downside is he is 3-4 + hours away by train (UK) but we have organised to meet up maybe next month (if the pandemic doesn't scupper things) and have been having virtual movie night dates over the last month. So fingers crossed 🤞 it works out as I really like him and get the impression he likes me.

 

For the first time in a really long time I feel like it's possible for me to find someone and that I'm worth getting into a relationship with and not broken or lesser because I'm ace.

 

 

Update:

we are meeting up for a in person date in mid August

 

Update Update:

Yesterday went on the best date I've ever been on 😊 We went to a museum had a picnic and just walked around talking till past dark. He gave me a knitted gnome and my favourite flower a sunflower🌻💜 

 

Final Update:

I have a boyfriend now ☺️ (As of September)

[A star]

On 7/20/2021 at 2:12 PM, JadeBat said:

It's early days but I wanted to gush a little about the guy I've been chatting to on the dating apps. 1) he is ace 2) we share so many interests (such a big dork) 3) he has goals and ambitions 4) he likes touch (non-sexual) and cuddles 5) he has a cute cat 6) He is pretty cute and looks nice 7) Since we started chatting we have messaged everyday! ☺️ Only downside is he is 3-4 + hours away by train (UK) but we have organised to meet up maybe next month (if the pandemic doesn't scupper things) and have been having virtual movie night dates over the last month. So fingers crossed 🤞 it works out as I really like him and get the impression he likes me.

 

For the first time in a really long time I feel like it's possible for me to find someone and that I'm worth getting into a relationship with and not broken or lesser because I'm ace.

 

 

Update:

we are meeting up for a in person date in mid August

Happy for you!! What are the dating apps do you use?  

[JadeBat]

1 minute ago, A star said:

Happy for you!! What are the dating apps do you use?  

Taimi - an LGBTQ app (where I matched with the guy)

 

OkCupid - which arguably is better and has more aces on it

[hello91]

My (straight, he/him/his) husband and I (some type of asexual/still coming to terms w it, she/her/hers) have been together for 10 years. We have had our struggles in the bedroom for sure. I didn't even know that asexuality existed until after I was married I think? (I was barely 20 when I got married, so I was pretty young, but also very sheltered to be finding out about the A). I was raised very religious and being anything other than straight was a big NOPE! so I never even allowed myself to explore that. Anyway, soon after my sex life began, it just wasn't very *magical* for me let's say, and eventually I read more about asexuality, and god bless the internet because I related to it so much but I never would have known if I couldn't research it privately! Now that I have a term for my sexuality, it helps so much! Setting boundaries and advocating for myself instead of framing it as "something is wrong with me and I need to be fixed", has elevated my self worth. It's much more manageable for me (and ultimately my partner) now that we both know the truth of what we're dealing with.

 

It's not perfect, we're still figuring it out, but I'd say looking at my life a year ago to now, improvement and progress is being made. Hopefully another year from now I'll be able to say the same thing.

[Rae Terwilliger]

So happy for this topic and to see so many posts in it!

 

I haven't posted on here in a while (since before I came out!), and that first post had been about concerns between my Wife and I - they had expressed opinions that a character they perceived as asexual on a show we were watching "couldn't" be in a romantic relationship because they were ace, which led me to panic, and go a bit further back in the closet. I've always had a "very, very low" sex drive, even before we got together, but am not aromantic. So this frightened me, a lot - I'm very grateful for this forum, and those who responded when I reached out for help! And that I didn't use my panic as an excuse to run for the hills. 

 

We both grew up in the 90's, when queer culture wasn't the most open, and thusly we both got pushed into the "Lesbian" box by peer pressure because we "looked" like that, individually and as a couple. That was 17 1/2 years ago, and though I regret nothing, that was never really my truth (or theirs, as it turns out). We have been through a lot together, and I love them so much, even though I couldn't show up for them in the bedroom kind of way. They've been very patient with me, even before, but there was still so much pressure to be more sexual than I was. Until recently, I never considered asexuality as a truth for myself - I'd barely even heard of it, and when I did start really thinking about it, I was so afraid they were gonna leave if I ever admitted it out loud. Especially after that comment.

 

I am so, so happy to report that I was wrong!!

 

I came out to them a few months ago, and it turned out they'd already figured it out themselves - and they are choosing to stay, because, against all odds (I have done a lot of damage unrelated to my sexuality) they love me just as much. We're still easing into this a new part of our life together - I still barely feel comfortable talking about it, though I wear an ace ring now and have ordered some stickers. They are still here, supporting me, and on board for whatever I need to do to finally embrace this part of my identity. We haven't tried to have sex again yet - I am cautiously open to it, though I finally admit that for me its not what it's "supposed" to be in all the romantic stories/mainstream media/etc. that I was raised on, and as much as I'm not ever going to feel motivated to go there again for myself, I honestly look forward - when/if it happens - to being able to show up in that space in honesty, not in fear of not being enough or not being valid as I am.

 

So, I hope that brings hope! And sending so much love to anyone who is in a similar space, in that worry 💜💜💜

[secure_indifference]

I'm approaching the first year anniversary with my one and only partner. We've been friends for maybe six or seven years, ongoing.

I started thinking indifferently about a romantic relationship with him. If I had to choose someone, it would be him. Then, over the course of a week, he stayed on my mind and it evolved into "if I was curious enough to try it, I wouldn't mind if we were in a romantic relationship. Just to see what it's like." I don't think it was romantic attraction, just curiosity about a potential opportunity. I wasn't going to go out and ask him for my curiosity. He'd asked me out a couple months before and I turned him down, so I wouldn't want to play with his feelings like that.

 

At the end of the week, the official ask happened. I actually came out to him right before he asked me out. It went along the lines of:

"You're ace... Would you still be open to a romantic relationship?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"...

...Would you be interested to have one with me?"

I didn't mean to corner him like that. I didn't know if he still felt romantic attraction to me, so I did direct the conversation to finding out. Just a little bit, I didn't want to pry or make him uncomfortable. I didn't expect him to ask though.

 

We had a couple rough patches in the early months since we couldn't see each other during Covid quarantine. I questioned if I was romantically attracted to him, which led to some short breaks for me to think it through without feeling guilty. Once school began, we got to see each other in person.(yes, my school did have in-person classes. Not it's best idea). We coordinated a first and second date and it began to click. I discovered that I did have romantic feelings for him and we've been strong ever since. It took both of us a while to settle into a relationship, to really understand that yes, we did have a partner.

 

He is allosexual, but never forces me into sexual actions. He's really sweet, kind, and warm. Gives good hugs. Helps me understand his perspective on sexuality, his experiences and whatnot. It's fascinating to hear about and satisfies my curiosity. And of course, always listens to my perspective too.

I want to keep him in my life as a friend and partner. He just makes me really happy.

[CincinnatiAsexual]

As a teenager, I knew I wasn't keen on sexual jokes, but it never clicked for me that I was asexual until I started googling the term and exploring forums such as AVEN. I had a real tough time socially as an adolescent, and I believe part of that was because I am somewhere on the autism spectrum, but the other big factor in my mind is being asexual. Because I had such a hard time fitting in anywhere, I never ended up pursuing a girlfriend until college.

 

At the time we met, my now wife wasn't very interested in my type. She was mesmerized by the basketball players on campus, and she needed a tall guy to sweep her off of her feet. We had a mutual friend in college who we can credit with putting us in the same orbit. I didn't really ask her on a date, as I didn't pay, but her friends thought it was pretty clear that I was going on a "date" with her to get coffee one day. We were sophomores. She was not very taken with me at the time, and I believe she wasn't in a place to be friends with a guy. Guys were for dating, not hanging out and being a friend. She ended up avoiding me the for the rest of our college years, but she didn't do a lot of dating with the guys she was interested in either. I never found a friend group in college, and so instead of getting together with friends on the evenings and weekends, I was in chat rooms. I was really lonely, and I wasn't sure if I was the type of person that had a match to be in a relationship with. We graduated from college, she moved back home with her family about 3 hours away, and I stayed in town and tried setting up some roots. 

 

4 years later, neither of us had had a serious relationship. A couple of 1-date occurrences, but real flops in both of our lives on the dating front. We were friends on Facebook, and so I could see her best friend posting a few times a year about the two of them meeting. I happened to be living in the same city as her best friend, and so I figured I would check and see if she had a significant other. I debated whether or not I could handle getting rejected by her twice, but I didn't want to miss the chance to have a committed relationship. In 2014 she agreed to getting together while she was in town to see her friend. I think it went okay, but it was very similar to our first "date" back in college. I wanted to gradually go from the friend zone to what she considered a date, but from what I could tell, she wasn't the type of person to jump right into dating. I didn't want to scare her off. Also, how could she reject me if we weren't even dating?

 

Between 2014 and 2016 we saw each other a few times a year, just an hour or two for coffee when she happened to be in town. I wasn't sure if it would turn into a relationship, or if she wasn't really looking to be in a relationship with someone like me. By the time 2016 rolled around, she could not tell if I was interested in her enough to be dating, so she asked her best friend to join us for dinner. It was the three of us, and it went pretty well. Her friend indicated to her it was really clear that I was very interested in her, and not just a friend. This was around the time that I found AVEN, and thus before we started dating I had recently begun identifying as asexual. We started doing distance dating, seeing each other about once a month, and that lasted about 18 months. She decided in 2017 she would move to my city, as we both had college friends here in Cincinnati, including her best friend. 

 

It was about 6 months into our distance dating that I dropped the bomb that I identify as asexual. In her Catholic upbringing, every couple got married unless they broke up, and every couple that got married had sex and had kids. "Why else would you get married?" and "How could I marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with me?", were some of her questions. She felt very anxious about being in a relationship with someone who was asexual, just because it seemed so strange to her. Not wrong per se, but just something she never could have imagined. It was a few weeks later that she realized that her comment about "How could I marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with me?" would be insulting to me. When we started dating, her line was always that she wanted to have six kids, because she has four siblings. As a good Catholic, she was fine with waiting until marriage to have sex. Based on how slowly we physically ramped up our intimacy, I had a hunch that she could actually be asexual, or at least very open to asexual behavior in general. 

 

We had many months of discussions while we were dating as to, would we be able to have a fulfilling relationship, knowing that she was bringing up very often that she did eventually want to have sex. I believe that she was being fed the narrative from her friends, tv shows, books, movies, that all couples have ravenous sex lives, and there's not much effort involved with sustaining/creating it. I had doubts as to whether sex is really the bees knees, as allosexual folks always reinforce. We came to the conclusion after our many talks that the uncertainty of whether or not we would have fulfilling intimacy was the impetus to talk about the act of sex constantly. Not necessarily that she needed to have sex, but that she felt drawn to it based on the unrealistic romantic narratives we all get bombarded with.

 

I proposed back in 2017, and we got married in 2018. Shortly after getting married, we ended up instituting designated days of the week for physical intimacy. You don't want to plan out every aspect of intimacy so that it becomes regimented, robotic, and too predictable, but I believe you need to set yourself up for success by maximizing the days or times of the week that are most likely to be a good moment for physical intimacy. I think it's dangerous to try to cram physical intimacy into a certain moment. If you're not at your best for physical intimacy when the moment comes, move on and pick another time, rather than overcompensating and creating a negative moment that becomes stressful rather than rewarding and meaningful. 

 

We also started talking about how intimacy is more than just physical. It's the inside jokes you have together. It's the memories you've made. It's the shows you like re-watching, or the vulnerability you can show on serious topics. Building trust. If you don't spend your time enjoying non-physical intimacy, the physical intimacy you do have may end up feeling shallow or hollow. There's a foundation to build.

 

As we moved into our 30's, she admitted that 6 kids would be too many. Based on the fact that we are both introverts, and our energy levels were struggling to meet the demand of our 40-50 hour per week jobs without kids, she started to dial down the number of desired kids to 2. And then at a certain point we both decided that we enjoyed sleeping in on the weekends, having time to ourselves at needed hours of the week, and that that was really counter to being parents. We are both open to adopting, but that's not something that we are 100% sure on. I think she is also having doubts with giving up her career to focus on being a parent. She knows that both of us would have to put our jobs further down on the priority list if kids were in the picture. Along the same lines, she has indicated that, now that she thinks about, she doesn't want to sacrifice her body to birth a child. Obviously most women know what they are getting into when they go through with birthing a child, as to what their bodes will go through. It's not for all of us, but there are always children out there that need a good home regarding adoption.

 

We still haven't had sex, and since we aren't planning on having kids, I don't think it's on her mind as much that we need to have sex. I would be open to having sex based on how often she would need it, but I know it may be a difficult situation, having sex, all the while her knowing that she is getting more out of it than me. I want her to be happy, so whatever we end up doing in the future is fine with me, but it would be more for her than for me. 

 

What's difficult is, I am not physically attracted to my wife. I really don't have the impulse to be physically attracted to people. Sure, people can be aesthetically pleasing or beautiful, but for me it is not physical attraction. She deserves to be in a relationship in which her significant other is physically  attracted to her, but unfortunately I cannot give that to her. I can however let her know what I do find attractive about her, which goes much deeper than looks. 

 

So we've been married now 3 years, and I feel lucky to identify as asexual while also having a meaningful relationship. It's involved a lot of compromise, but we have met each other in the middle in many ways.

[Ettina]

I'm happily single, with supportive family including a younger brother who is basically the one person in the world I'm closest to, and now I'm pregnant! Conceived via intra-uterine insemination using donor sperm. I'm sex-repulsed, so I'm very grateful that I could get pregnant in a way that doesn't involve sex.

[Asexy Void]

I met my partner on a public transit bus about 7 years ago. They were discussing Doctor Who (a show I like) with another passenger, so I forced myself through my social anxiety to join in on the conversation. I noticed that they had a black ring on their right middle finger, but I didn't ask about it until after we ended up adding each other on Facebook. Turns out they were also ace spec, and had ASD! After a few months of on-and-off chats over Facebook, we both expressed the desire for a cuddle buddy and decided to have a first date at my house watching Hellraiser on Friday the 13th. Still going strong today.

This song reminds me a lot of the events that lead up to our first date, even though it didn't release until a few years later: https://youtu.be/_yX_z1j6yzs

 

[Mothperson]

I actually realized that I was ace after I got married. It took me a long time to figure out why I had no interest in sex with my spouse, and it was really starting to put a rift in our marriage. He thought I no longer found him attractive, that I no longer loved him, and I thought I was a freak, or that there was something wrong with me. I went to the doctor to get blood tests, took supplements and tried hormonal therapies, but nothing changed. After reading through forums on AVEN, I realized that it wasn't that my libido had suddenly disappeared - I was just in a happy, healthy relationship where I didn't feel like I had to perform hyper-sexuality in order to feel validated or receive attention from my partner. After a lot of working myself up to the task, I came out to my spouse. He said it made a lot of sense. We are happy and going strong! So, if you realize you are ace later in your relationship, I promise you all hope is not lost. Just don't deny yourself like I did! Be true to yourself and honest with your partner and you'll be surprised the new kinds of intimacies you can find.

[Shoro]

I’m about to have my 1 year anniversary on 4/20/22 with my boifriend who I met on AVEN 😊 I think of this as our Anniversary because he wasted no time falling in love 💕I’ve never bonded with someone so fast, before. The feeling of mutual respect and understanding you can have in an asexual relationship is so perfect. I didn’t think I’d ever have someone to cuddle with, share important holidays with and share my love with. He’s coming around Valentine’s Day and I can’t wait! We’re going to play board games, eat a lot of bad food, attempt to bribe my cat to like him and cuddle while watching shows. Life is so good right now.

[Gaz80]

 I wish I had a successful asexual relationship to boast of but finding it incredibly difficult. I mean in reality not many people identify as asexual/platonic whatever you want to call it. Asexual websites can be awkward too because in my experience nobody tends to send messages or replies which is strange because what are they members for?! I haven't given up just yet though.

[Acing It]

On 1/11/2021 at 5:08 AM, failing adult said:

okay so this one is to prove that even an awkward soul like me, with no prior dating experience and limited social skills, can have a successful relationship

and that sometimes you meet people in odd circumstances 

ive been with my partner for over a year now, 15 months if my math is right? 

I love them so freaking much and they're my best friend and there's literally no one I'd rather spend time with 

anyway we met through friends, they were friends with a girl I know and would sit with at  lunch with us, I'm terribly awkward so instead of talking to them I offered them pretzels, every lunch, for w e e k s. 

to my eternal shame, I have to thank my best friend for us dating 

because my best friend sparked a debate in the friend group about CHIPMUNK SEX OF ALL THINGS except it was very sexualised and I hated it

back on track, me and my partner sat there in horror before I asked if they were okay and they turned to me and told me they were ace and we had a total spider man meme moment where I was like NO WAY ME TOO and then I asked for their number (just so we could talk about our friends behind their backs im not that smooth sorry guys) 

This lead to us realising we are both massive bloody nerds and in literally all the same fandoms,, which lead to many many conversations and we arranged a 'hang out' (the day before the hangout was arranged i was tackled to the floor by my friend , in public, because she caught me smiling at my phone and ask me if I had a crush on my partner. I died) 

so we hung out, ate cake in the park in the rain, made friends with some foreign exchange students and had races on the zip wires, it was fantastic 

then I walked them to the bus stop and THEY ASKED ME OUTTTT FOR A 'PROPER DATE' and I obviously said yes

the week after, we went on a date and then a walk and then I asked them out with this exact quote, no i dont know how I got them to date me either "well I like like you,,, so uh,, wanna date?" 

and then I walked them to the bus stop where they were meeting the tackler friend and I just shouted "we're dating now! " at her before actually running away at full speed. 

we talk everyday and we never get bored and I'm very happy

THE POINT OF THIS MINI NOVEL IS TO SHOW THAT EVEN IF YOU'VE NEVER DATED, DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH "TRADITIONAL" DATING OR UR A LIL BIT AWKWARD, THAT SOMEONE IS GONNA LIKE THAT EVEN OF IT TAKES A FEW TRIES

hope this helps at least someone a tiny bit

I love this ❤️

[All Jumbled Up]

Not knowing Ace was even a thing until a few years ago, I just thought I had a really low sex drive that always turned non-existent in long-term relationships. Being what I now understand as Demi, my partners were always great about it. Yeah, extremely freaking lucky, I know!

 

My husband and I had gotten engaged after 2 years and I had a stroke 4 months later. I thought I lucked out with no lasting paralysis or significant brain damage. I was so wrong. I ended up with intractable chronic pain that has gotten worse over the years and am on enough medication to screw anybody over. He still married me! We had/have a strong foundation built on mutual hobbies, respect and beliefs. However, after 10 years of marriage with little or no sex in the last 6 years, I offered him an open marriage. He declined. He's more conservative in behavior, not values, so I think he was a little shocked and needed to think about it. After the pandemic was winding down, he finally approached me and asked if an open marriage was still on the table; it absolutely was! I have never experienced romantic jealousy and I wanted him to be happy because I love him. He has had a steady girlfriend for about 9 months and is much happier. And honestly, it freed me from guilt about not meeting his sexual needs. Win-win!

 

Together 16 years, married for 13, didn't really know about Ace for a lot of it and we still worked it out! It's not likely to be easy and communication will be key if you're on the Ace spectrum dating a non-asexual. If you're looking for a long-term relationship, think about what that means and what compromises or boundaries will need to potentially be discussed. Trying for a "normal" relationship that includes sex you may not want likely isn't viable long-term. Been there, done that. However, an Ace can absolutely have rewarding relationships, but expect a whole lot of talking if you're dating a non-Ace. It's totally worth it! 

 

 

[MyWifeIsAce]

I look forward to coming back and sharing our success story at a later date but I just want to encourage those  allos just coming into this:

 

You are going through some tough stuff right now. Just know that this realization changes everything and also changes very little. If you have been in this relationship for some time you have probably always known parts of this. And yes it sucks realizing your fears are real. This is a huge change for the relationship and also a subtle change for the relationship. As I was struggling I said there is a tripod that keeps a relationship standing; love, romance, and sex. Yet in actuality there are so many more pillars that hold a relationship up. I would encourage you to focus on the pillars you still have and not obsess over the one pillar that you don’t. This bridge was built to stand on more than one pillar. 
 

Everyone comes at this from a different space and place so I feel like saying anything more would be unfair because your situation is unique. 
 

One thing I’m trying to do at the present time is tying to focus on and learn about those other pillars. Im also poking around at older traditional roots like the Greek gods of love, romance, Eros etc. There are many ways we love each other, but as a sexual person it may seem like you have just encountered a huge wall. Just remember the Ace in your space has been running into their own wall for a very long long time. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, acknowledge the wall, acknowledge what makes you both shine, and then acknowledge how you feel for each other and love each other in all the ways that western culture under-emphasizes. 
 

Best of luck to you. 
You are going to be ok, it doesn’t have to create a huge divide, it can bring your closer. What you both feel is very real. Learn about other ways to accept and share love together when you are ready. This is a new page and doesn’t need to be the end of the chapter or the book. 
 

I’m positive about your future and your relationship. Best of luck - you got this. 
 

PS I’m open to DM’s, this is new to me and every hour I feel a different emotion. It’s been a long couple of weeks but I can see some light ahead. Let's encourage each other as we find ourselves. 
 

 

[megpig]

I starting dating my partner three years ago. Then I was 16. I noticed our relationship was goin slowly and very platonic. We didn't kiss each other until about 6 months in, which from what I heard from other people relationship stories, and reactions a received when I told people wasn't normal. I didn't think much of it. After dating for three years I realized that the topic of sex was never brought up and I didn't desire having sex with my partner although we had been together for so long, and I had strong feelings for them. After this realization I discovered the term asexual and decided it fit me well. After I had decided this identity fit me well, I decided to ask my partner if they had ever had sexual desires for me. They said no, which made me realize they too were most likely asexual as well. I was very scarred to ask this question because I knew if they said yes, I would not be able to satisfy them, so I was very relived and happy with their answer. Now we have a romantic, but platonic relationship and have been going strong for a few years. So I guess we both dating each other without realizing we were both asexual, happy coincidence.  

[Fingolfin]

It's funny to me to type this because it would definitely not be a success story in a different context, but I introduced my husband to my recently single friend, and they have hit it off, he's actually spending the night at her place tonight 😄 Polyam has been pretty good to us so far

[iguessmusicwasenough]

On 1/8/2017 at 1:51 PM, Reideemer said:

Hi, 

I'm 2 years into my marriage to my hypersexual husband, and just finally started admitting to myself that I am a heteroromantic asexual. I adore my husband and we have a 1 year old daughter who is the light of my life, but it just never clicked why I didn't really get into sex.

I mean, I really tried to. I just always thought that my aversion to sexual contact was something wrong with me. And I love my husband too much to just cut off such a big part of his needs.

 

Then I found this site and everything made sense. Now life just feels more clear and I've decided to just let my husband enjoy some tail on the side seeing as he doesn't link sex and love in his mind. He just has a stupidly high sex drive (bordering on addiction). We set ground rules (always use protection, never at our house, always have your phone, etc). And it seems to be working. Our relationship seems stronger than ever now that sex isn't an issue. I no longer feel like I have to do things I really don't want to (I mean, they feel good physically, but I just have no want to do it, even when my body gets aroused). He gets his needs met, and our daughter grows up in a happy home where it's perfectly OK to be who and what you are. Everybody wins. 

Your husband sounds similar to mine. We’ve been married 10 years (I learned about asexuality and identified as asexual about 2 years in), and he has remained faithful, though of course sexually frustrated this whole time. I’m at the point where I’m starting to open my mind to an open marriage. I’d be really interested to know your “rules” and any other details that have helped this arrangement work out for you. Feel free to reply publicly or DM. 
 

Thank you so much, your story gives me so much hope.

[Frac]

I've admittedly been part of the problem of fake internet negativity. After all, when everything is going well in real life, why spend all your time online?

 

I'm not super active these days in part because I'm happy with my current relationship and have been for years.

[UsiresAedon]

Today marks a very special day on my calendar. A beautiful, intelligent, kind, compassionate soul entered my life and changed it forever, exactly one year ago today. I was going through a divorce and had only recently come to terms with my asexuality. I was scared, hurt, angry, and filled with negative emotions. But three letters from the English alphabet had the power to dispel all the negativity in my world and make me love again. They were "H," "E," and "Y."

I find it curious how such a simple "hey" sent to my AVEN inbox could have such a profound impact on my life. It's funny how fate plays out sometimes. We convince ourselves we are worthless and a burden to others, oftentimes with very sound logic that makes such self-loathing seem reasonably justifiable. But then, as if to mock us for having the audacity to think we've finally figured the world out, life takes an unexpected positive turn.

In my case, my ace partner fell out of the sky and landed in my arms. Metaphorically speaking, of course. In many ways, I almost feel guilty for being so lucky. Then again, winning a million bucks in the lottery is about as good as a "success story" gets, and let me tell you my partner is worth more to me than any Powerball jackpot. She -IS- the jackpot.

Her and I have spent a good portion of this year loving one another from afar; we are a few states apart at the time of writing. I have visited her a few times, though, spending a week at a time in her delightful company. Ten days from now, however, I am flying out to see her again, staying much more long-term, possibly moving to her city for good.

All in all, I figured it would be appropriate to come back here one year later and reflect upon just how good my life is right now. If I had to describe the nature of my relationship in one word, that word would probably be "mutual." Mutual respect, mutual effort, mutual trust, mutual love. It is a truly incredible feeling, and makes all those hard years living as a closeted asexual worth it.

For those of you who are reading this that are alone and afraid, I promise you that asexuality is not a death sentence when it comes to finding love. In fact, embracing and accepting who you are can lead to truly amazing things. Thank you, Nicole, for an amazing year. And if you are reading this, I want you to know that I am looking forward to many more.

[daveb]

3 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

Today marks a very special day on my calendar.

Congratulations!   

And best wishes!

[ICantThinkOfAUsernameToo]

Every once in a while I love reading this thread. I'm a huge hopeless romantic and this just reminds me that although it's a little bit hard it's not impossible.