The Success Stories Thread

[QueenOfTheRats]

I dated a couple ace people, and despite the relationship problems we had, it was always better than dating allosexuals. The guy I am with right now is both trans and ace, and we met on facebook after realizing we were in a ton of the same groups together and lived only a couple hours from each other(which actually is really close when you live in a rural area like we do). We have an insane amount of similarities: our moms are both hippie artists, we both have sensory processing issiues, we both like horror movies and horrorcore rap, and a bunch of other incongruous things like world music and Taylor Swift. We are both a little socially retarded because we were home schooled throughout our adolescence. Neither of us got a chance to be cool in highschool, and then became edgy little brats in our early 20s

 

We both moved from northern california, to washington state, to hollywood and then back to northern california again. We both like to draw and write, and we both have a lot of serious health problems. The last reason is why things might not work out, since nether of us are healthy people in any sense of the word. I have had people tell me to break it off with him before, because they think the problems in our relationship are too severe. We definitely have our issiues, he is closeted to about half the people he knows, addicted to drugs and bipolar. I drink too much, get bored, and like to stir up trouble. I am constantly paranoid he is cheating on me, even when there is no evidence for it. I also keep the relationship hidden because I am insecure about people thinking I'm gay. I have messed up the relationship a lot due to being super insecure about everything. We fight sometimes and then don't talk to each other for weeks on end.

 

Our relationship is far from perfect, and may not last forever. However, we have a love for one another, and a desire to learn and do better. We have had some long really hard talks with one another. I accept that he is human and not perfect, and I think he understands that about me too. Last time I saw him we both got black ace rings at the mall. Sometimes i get frusterated with him because he is very introverted and passive, and I feel like I end up having to be more assertive than I feel like being, but I have learned some useful things  from that too.  We are not capable of a lot of things since we are both ill, but we enjoy our time together. We like to cook soups, go on walks, snuggle and watch scary movies together till the sun rises. It's not the perfect relationship, but it works fine for now, and I am really grateful I found somone I am even halfway comparable with, because I have no desire to date an allosexual ever again. We are both HUGE weirdos, and it's actually kind of shocking to find someone as weird as me in a lot of the same ways.

 

So that's my little ace love story.

[SearchingScribe]

On ‎1‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 3:41 PM, ChaoticHetergenousMixture said:

Thank you so much for posting this! This gives me hope  . 

Gives me hope too. This is my dream relationship. It seems like you can't force these things, so maybe it'll happen. I wish I knew who this person is, though. They don't seem to be active on here anymore. I'd love to ask her about her relationship. It seems delightful.

[BlunderFishes]

I fumbled through my teens and twenties and half my thirties without understanding anything about ace/aro-ness. I spent all of high school alone and freaking out because I was different and confused. I dated one person in college, felt absolutely nothing for him (spent half the time avoiding him when he went in for a kiss) and broke it off quickly. I feel kinda bad for the guy now, but looking back, he did me a huge favor. 

 

That short and fruitless dip into dating taught me that forcing myself into someone else’s idea of “normal” was pointless. I decided to stop trying to live up to standards that weren’t mine and just get on with my life. It was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. 

 

Not long after I made that decision, I met my current partner - now spouse. We shared a lot of interests and became fast friends. I didn’t know I was hanging out under the ace umbrella, but after a few months I knew how I felt about him: he felt kind and safe and very much like home. For the first time in my life, I had romantic feelings...which was very confusing, to say the least. Sexual attraction quickly followed, and I was so blindsided by it that I literally hyperventilated in the middle of a make-out session. He was confused but kind, and we navigated it together. 

 

We’ve been together for over a decade now, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. I can’t believe I found such a patient, understanding person. I’ve never really felt attracted to anyone else in my life, so I don’t know if I’m just a one-time demi or what, but it doesn’t really matter. I’ve been unbelievably fortunate, and I thank the universe every day that our paths crossed all those years ago. 

[Andrei]

On 10/18/2019 at 5:15 AM, BlunderFishes said:

I fumbled through my teens and twenties and half my thirties without understanding anything about ace/aro-ness. I spent all of high school alone and freaking out because I was different and confused. I dated one person in college, felt absolutely nothing for him (spent half the time avoiding him when he went in for a kiss) and broke it off quickly. I feel kinda bad for the guy now, but looking back, he did me a huge favor. 

 

That short and fruitless dip into dating taught me that forcing myself into someone else’s idea of “normal” was pointless. I decided to stop trying to live up to standards that weren’t mine and just get on with my life. It was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. 

 

Not long after I made that decision, I met my current partner - now spouse. We shared a lot of interests and became fast friends. I didn’t know I was hanging out under the ace umbrella, but after a few months I knew how I felt about him: he felt kind and safe and very much like home. For the first time in my life, I had romantic feelings...which was very confusing, to say the least. Sexual attraction quickly followed, and I was so blindsided by it that I literally hyperventilated in the middle of a make-out session. He was confused but kind, and we navigated it together. 

 

We’ve been together for over a decade now, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. I can’t believe I found such a patient, understanding person. I’ve never really felt attracted to anyone else in my life, so I don’t know if I’m just a one-time demi or what, but it doesn’t really matter. I’ve been unbelievably fortunate, and I thank the universe every day that our paths crossed all those years ago. 

That's so nice . I am happy for you 🤗

[DesertGal]

I'm New to AVEN and pretty darned new to figuring out this definition for myself that seems to fit so well. I met a great guy this fall on OKCupid who's poly and we really hit it off. Like, he's respectful and considerate and sweet and romantic and we have so much in common. (Dude even gets my Monty Python references...) We recently had a very frank talk on expectations and agreements and I explained that I've been trying to find the "label" that fits me best and asexual seems to check all the ticky boxes. (Not aromantic, though). i like cuddling and our sweet kisses, but sex just ain't gonna happen for me. Being poly, I am perfectly okay with him getting his needs met for that elsewhere and our agreement has honesty and open communication at the top of the list. I was worried when I told him that it might be a dealbreaker, but it was nowhere near that. I was so... relieve and freed when he reassured me he still loves me just as much and doesn't want to change anything about me, that this is the person he loves and supports. We've both had bad relationships in the past, and it's like the universe had us meet once we finally stopped settling and learned self-respect and that we deserve better. (Like seriously, I learned he lives about 8 blocks from me.) I just wanted to share because I am with someone wonderful and being Ace is just fine. Thanks, universe, lots!

[Jari15]

Hi all,

 

I wanted to share here because I thought I would be alone forever but am finally happily partnered after 26 years of mostly solitude. The relationship is only four months old, but it feels really strong and healthy and grounded.

 

I identify as demisexual, but for a long time I thought I was straight because of societal messaging and because I had *some* type of feeling (???) for a couple of close male friends in high school and college respectively. Because I did not understand my ace-ness, I ended up in some very bad situations (emotional abuse, sexual assault) in my early 20’s that left me feeling traumatized, terrified of strange men, and deeply mistrustful of male acquaintances. I could not picture myself ever wanting to have sex with anyone and thought that my traumas had broken me and that I would never be able to get close to anybody.

 

After going through therapy at age 23, I realized that I wasn’t “broken” by my experiences; I had just been under the ace umbrella all along. Coming to that realization helped me figure out what I needed out of a relationship, who felt safe to get close to, and who was not safe. I eventually mustered up the courage to get on OkCupid. I made very explicit on my profile that I’m demisexual and that if anybody had an issue with that, I would not even touch them with a ten foot pole.

 

Because of my trust issues, because I made it clear I was not looking for sex, and also because I’m a pretty weird/esoteric person in general, finding somebody who I trusted/cared about enough to be attracted to and who was also attracted to me was a very long, difficult, painful, and consistently disappointing process. It took two years of actively going on bad dates and having to re-explain my boundaries and sometimes my traumas to strangers over and over and over and over again, dealing with their reactions, being confused about whether or not any attraction would eventually come over time, feeling guilty about accidentally “leading people on,” feeling misunderstood, wondering if my past had scarred me for life, wondering if I was just too weird to meet a complementary soul, etc.

 

I was very burnt out and about to give up indefinitely and had a queue of three more people I was reluctantly willing to talk to before giving up. I was also going through a really difficult time in grad school and didn’t have a lot of capacity in me to deal with any additional stress or disappointment. I went through two queue people and started talking to the last person but kept them at a distance because I was so busy dealing with my trouble at school.

 

They were wonderful, patient, persistent, accommodating, understanding, empathetic, and dedicated despite nearly ghosting them. They waited for me to come out of my stressful period, and we had a great first date where conversation flowed naturally and easily for 7+ hours. They continued to be all of those great adjectives over the course of several more 7+ hour dates as I slowly explained that I have trauma history and would need time to continue warming up to them. They listened to me very carefully, validated my feelings, made me feel safe, asked thoughtful/helpful questions, and never pressured me. I could tell they were genuinely very invested in meeting me where I was and comforting me there.

 

As I said, it has only been four months, but it feels like a really good/healthy relationship. We have enough similarities to make it very easy and fun to talk and enough differences that I feel like we are both learning and growing from one another. We respect one another’s needs and boundaries. We communicate lovingly, patiently, and non-judgmentally when we disagree about things. We support one another’s goals and take care of each other to the best of our ability when we are stressed.
 

They are extremely attentive regarding how I feel comfortable having sex. For them, it’s a drive they need to maintain every so often and also probably has some other attached meanings they have not fully articulated to me (yet). For me, it’s a fun activity that I could very easily live without it (like going bowling), but I have actually come to enjoy it as a special/particular way of bonding emotionally because it’s an activity where we are mutually and equitably committed to one another’s comfort, enjoyment, happiness and that builds communication skills etc.

 

This is all to say that I am really proud of myself, and even if everything ended tomorrow, this ace survivor worked her butt off to heal from trauma and finally knows the taste of what it feels like to be in a healthy and committed partnership.

I wish love (platonic or otherwise) and good fortune to everyone : )

[JadeBat]

On 7/2/2019 at 8:17 PM, JadeBat said:

So I met my boyfriend on OkCupid. I had tried asexual dating apps i.e. ACEapp but there were only 6 matches within the max distance I was willing to date. Though I did chat with quite a few people it never ended up in a meeting and most conversations fizzled out. With OkCupid I had a bit more luck, as I had some really good conversations and went on a few dates with sexual guys. But, again didn't really go anywhere.

However, after being on the app for about a year my now boyfriend messaged me and we hit it off. Early on he asked about my asexuality and admitted that he felt that he also feel he might be on the spectrum (which was a surprise as he didn't put it on his profile) as he never looked forward to the 'bedroom' part of the relationship and only really did it for his partner's happiness and didn't really get any gratification himself. Therefore, he is totally happy to never have sex again (which is good as it would never be an option with me). 

After talking for a few months and going on several dates we become a couple. We have been dating for about 3 months now, so it's early days still but we are really happy.

I never thought I would find someone who would accept me, let alone another asexual! We both think the world of each other and see good things in our future together 😁💗

Update - We actually broke up recently but for non-ace related reasons (guess you could say the 'normal' kind of reasons relationships end, like not enjoying eachothers company and having different goals and personalities). But despite the relationship being over it was been a good experience and a success story in the sense that it has given me the confidence that I can find a romantic relationship as an asexual 😊

[Beyourownspotlight]

I met someone through a meet on Aven ---- and I dunno if anyone lurked on it a few years ago or posted on the squish/crush thread. But it was the guy I named as my crush. We're married now. Have our own house. And a kid. 

[2XD]

So, I guess I'll share a little bit

Im with a guy who I met through AceApp. We started talking in early September of last year. I initiated contact, but was definitely just thinking of chatting with someone, coz I was kinda bored at the moment. lol. 

We wrote a lot in the beginning and then started sending voice messages and then started talking on the phone regularly. Eventually I realized that I liked him as more than just a friend and brought up the topic. At the end of October he came to visit me and it was really great and i guess that's when we officially started dating. He came again over the holidays for 2 weeks and things got even better and its been the best relationship intimacy wise ive ever had. I now enjoy things I never liked before and everything is very mutual and comfortable. 

Unfortunately he lives on another continent (Im in Europe and he's from Canada), so it definitely is difficult. He was planning on visiting this March, but we decided against it coz his financial situation isn't great at the moment. I was supposed to come to NY & Canada at the end of May and already got my ticket, but with everything going on right now, I don't even know if I can go. So we'll see. Apart from the distance its really been great. We can talk for hours about serious things or just goofy stuff and physically the relationship is everything I could've ever dreamed of. 

Im just trying to be patient and not go crazy not being able to physically be with him more. 

[Memento65]

Many thanks for the many optimistic messages which have fed my hope. I'm new in looking for an asexual woman as a partner as my relationship ended after twenty years and, as in a case above, not for asexual-related reasons but for the reasons why relationships usually end. Your messages make me see a bright future!

[Chloe333]

Hi there! My story is def a successful one with my partner. 
we met at age 25. Sexually we were very unstable. I had only been with highly sexual men that I didn’t enjoy and he was a virgin. We never had problems until it came to the bedroom. I don’t get anything from sex but that’s what I was used to. Was giving guys what they wanted. And this new guy never wanted sex from me. Made me feel odd. In my head I thought “If he doesn’t want to have sex he must not desire me. Even when I don’t like it myself he must not be physically attracted to me”

after a year we split. That was one of our biggest issues. 
two years goes by. No contact. And we run into one another. July of 2019. 3 years after we split. We started back up again. We just love each other. Care so much and love to spend time together. 
after being long distance we opened up a lot. Back to the sexual topic. It’s been a bumpy ride but we both have come to realize we are both ace. And we didn’t know it really and wasn’t sure what the other would say. Tonight actually we were talking in bed and both told one another we love each other more than we could image bc we know we are safe, accepted and don’t have heavy sexual expectations. 
it’s a really amazing feeling that we have come this far. And the whole time we were the same just never knew it. 
he really is my sole mate. Sexually we do other things from time to time but we show our affection in many other ways to one another. (Holding hands, tons of hugs and cuddles, staying close to one another, massage, kissing, oral lol)  I really hope that ace awareness can get out more so others can see if they too are ace and can find a loving partner like I did! Even though we met organically I wouldn’t change it for a thing. 

Edited April 2, 2020 by Chloe333

[bxysgirl]

I want to share my experience so far!!

 

I'm somewhere on both the aromantic and asexual spectrums. I don't know the most accurate words to describe myself, but I know for sure that I experience platonic and romantic feelings... weirdly. They're difficult for me to distinguish and separate, especially if they're strong feelings.

 

After leaving my ex who'd been toxic towards me, I spent a long time thinking I would spend my life alone because I was broken for being aroace. Just shy of 2 years ago, I met my current boyfriend on Tumblr. I had an MLM blog meant for other trans MLM of colour (since white trans MLM tend to be the dominant representation) and he had been following my blog for a while. We talked for a bit, and started dating pretty soon afterwards.

 

This whole time, he's been very patient and understanding with me. He told me that he quickly accepted I may or may not love him romantically because he knows at the end of the day I love him, and the way I love him isn't important to him. Lately, I've been reanalyzing how my feelings for content with sex in them vs. the idea of having sex myself are different, and he's remained just as patient and open-minded about what my comfort levels and boundaries are. He's made me feel safe enough to be able to communicate how I feel and what I need.

 

I love him a lot ❤️ We'll be 2 years together on the 29th of June. I'm really lucky that he found me ❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

[TattooedRaven]

I’ve always been touch adverse- I don’t like physical affection in most situations, but I’m neutral towards it when I’m the one initiating a hug or something else small. 

 

I dated a wonderful sexually inclined guy for eight months. We made sure to be open about how we felt and what we needed, and even though we didn’t completely understand why each other felt the way we felt towards physical affection, we respected each other’s boundaries. We never had any arguments over it. When we broke up, it was because of location. 
 

I just think it’s important to communicate openly in any relationship.  Part of it is being vulnerable with each other- even though this is a difficult topic to breach with many people, it’s important that you both respect each other and your boundaries. Stay positive and don’t lose hope guys! 

[Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion]

I'm aro ace, I've always been single, and I am happily single, and intend to stay that way. 
But sometimes I miss a few of the things that often come along with having a partner, particularly snuggles. Not sexual or romantic snuggles, just the warm feeling of curling up on the couch with another human in your arms. Or just hugging someone without thinking cos they're standing beside you and you both like hugs and it's what you both like doing. Or laying on the rug spooning and chatting, just to be close.
We were both huggy and like, curl up next to each other. But during the five week total lockdown we both  got kinda starved of hugs, so when restrictions lifted (my country is now presumed to be covid free!), so when we got together after lockdown it was natural to just snuggle. And it's carried on, and it just fills a little void, for both of us. 
Like, whatever happens, we plan to have each other's backs, and it's a good feeling. 
If we (individually) end up having kids, we'll be each other's babysitters and shoulders to lean on. We will, I imagine, be firm friends for a very long time, and always just, there for each other.
I still have to get over the societal taboos of snuggling someone, like, that society doesn't understand that you can spoon someone and it not be romantic or sexual, just...nice.
Also, side note, I understand now the difference between doing things aromanticlaly and romantically. Like, as an aro, I could totally have a candlelight dinner with someone and have a nice time, and not be remotely romantic, but smileing at someone romantically isn't something I could do. It sin't the traditions of what you are doing, it's the emotions you are feeling.
This has been a long term friendship, but it's just nice to have that extra bit that was missing from my life as a huggy aro ace 

[Adiiiii]

There is this guy I liked and he knew about me being ace and aro. When he still made it clear he was interested in something we talked about what we are looking for in this relationship. I told him the last guy gave me an ultimatum- said sex is a must for him in a relationship. My lovely best friend told my ultimatums are stupid, and that he wants us to be happy together and we can draw the line wherever I want.

It's been a year, and while he is not ace, as we explore what we are both comfortable with I found out he would give up any sexual thing for a good cuddle and seeing me smile. He said the main reason he wants to do sexual things is for me to enjoy them, and if something else will make me happier he sees no reason not to do that something else. 

He is so cute and I am so happy. 

 

[Karekare]

Oh good this thread isn't dead!

 

I've been in a successful romantic relationship with my best friend for almost 5 years now. My partner and I both fall under the ace umbrella, but while I do sometimes experience arousal xe absolutely does not, which is totally fine! We're both pretty sensual and physically intimate anyway, and I couldn't have found a better person to be in a loving relationship with.

[AlphaGodith]

after being a single, sex-repulsed ace for a long time, i thought my only hope at a relationship would be training myself to tolerate sex. even bought toys to try and do it before meeting up with a guy i met online, who called himself straight. as we spent time together, and he resisted my attempts to give myself to him out of a sense of obligation,  we started dating with the understanding he could satisfy his urges with other women. thing is, he never did. and the longer we were together and the more we talked, the more we realized he is neither straight nor sexual. he isn't repulsed like me, but he has no sexual desires. it's just a fun activity for when he's bored. also not straight- but pan. he's just from a family that frowns on queerness so he never really considered the possibility he wasn't straight, until i started encouraging him to explore himself.

we're married now and have been for five years.

sometimes we talk about what would have been, if we hadn't met. ironically, while i have helped him to realize how abnormal he is both orientation-wise and identity-wise, it's because of our unique chemistry that we can pass as a totally normal hetero couple. if it weren't for him, i would have kept thinking i had to either force myself to like sex, or get a sex CHANGE just to be able to find a guy i liked who would be able to stand me. if it weren't for me, he woulda been alone forever, or possibly also tried to force himself into a pretty label just so someone would be interested in him.

we aren't exactly straight or trans or even the same kind of ace, but we work quite well together.

[Lanti SF]

 

 

 

I'm not sure if this counts as a success story, but I ended up referring a person to AVEN after talking about being ace on Omegle.  

[Madelise]

I haven't been in a relationship with my current partner for too long, but it's going good so far. We dated from late October of last year to early April of this year (broke up because of the distance for the most part---LDR) and got back together roughly a month ago or so. We're both demiromantic, but I'm also demisexual and they're not (they're (allo)sexual). They don't exactly get what it was like for me back when I was sex-repulsed, but they're still supportive either way. I love them a lot and I wouldn't change the situation for the world.

[Flowerface]

I met Teru (Not their real name) in middle school on the first day of my 7th grade/their 8th grade year. We ended up sitting next to each other in choir. Being both military brats was a thing though, and at the end of that year my father was moved from being stationed in Germany back to the states so our friendship went long distance for the better part of a year. My twin sister was very aware that I had a crush, but politely respected that I was not willing to do a long distance relationship at age twelve or whatever. 

 

At the end of that "better part of a year," their dad was moved to the same military base that we were on, so our friendship was back in local proximity. The two of us and my sister were pretty much inseparable. My crush got more and more potent but they are biologically female and so am I. That just added an extra layer of complicated onto the whole situation. 

 

About a year and a half later, the military brats aspect came back into play. Their dad retired and moved them a state away... far enough for early high school students to not be able to get to each other. Still, the long distance thing could work out for our friendship, and I still had never confessed, so that was okay. The three of us stayed close. 

 

Then my father retired and wanted to move to the opposite coast and that put a wrench in things all over again. 

 

Their mom agreed to drive and bring us to visit their place for a few nights before we were moved across the country. It was a very emotional weekend, during which my sister talked about her crush on someone, I wondered if I should confess mine... and, I found out later, Teru wondered if they should confess theirs. 

 

Because they had a crush too. On my twin. 

 

I mean... hilarious, yeah? Also heartbreaking. My sister knew about both things (which she eventually admitted was the reason they spent so much time babbling about some girl) and she really wanted it to work out for us. She knew, and actually was the only one who knew, that I had never had Feelings like that before. 

 

So for the rest of high school, our long distance friendship flourished even when it struggled; my sister went on dates and through a series of very abusive relationships; both my sister and I were hospitalized at different times for mental health reasons; I continued to only be attracted to one person while that person wanted my twin; and even though I know right now this sounds like it's going to end horribly, but it actually doesn't. 

 

My sister decided shortly after our graduation from high school that they would spill the beans, and that is how Teru found out after six and a half years that I was in love with them. (I didn't speak to my sister for weeks. Our parents were very concerned) 

 

A few months later, Teru admitted that they'd long since gotten over my twin and agreed to give it a try. Five years of long distance later, they flew across the country to visit us during spring break and I proposed. About seven months after that, my sister died. Teru wasn't able to make it to the funeral. I still managed to finish college alone, and in a dual effort to both ease my depression and reward my efforts, my parents paid for them to visit for a week. 

 

Three months more and I told my mom I was engaged. She was thrilled, and she joined in the plans for Teru to move to live with me. She was actually the one who orchestrated us buying each other rings for Christmas and then slyly told us in the dining room that we already had the rings so why wait to actually do the wedding? 

 

We started yelling at her in unison for spoiling our present, realized in unison that it was in unison, and a month later (eight years and one month after we got together) we got married in a courthouse downtown, witnessed by four close friends and my mom. I cried. It was great. 

 

This November will be our five year wedding anniversary. 

 

Now, Teru is sexual; I'm grey ace. We're both okay with the fact that sex rarely happens if at all. A few years ago the number of people I'd been attracted to in my life went up to two. We're also both okay with that (they really ship us even though they are 1000% monogamous). He is great too. We're not together for reasons, but he's my best friend, and he is polygamous and well aware of my feelings, marital status, history of trauma, and sexuality. 

 

So that's my long winded success story. 

 

TLDR; I am married and have a significant other who I'm not actually dating and I'm very happy. Yay me. 

[harushinkai]

It is so encouraging to read all these success stories. It gives me hope as well, especially since I also dream to end up with somebody asexual. Not saying it can't work with an allo, but I don't want to sacrifice anyone's natural desires. I want to make them happy so marrying someone asexual whose also sex-neutral or even positive but doesn't need it is best for me, so I don't have to push down my needs or sacrifice his.

 

Just wanted to add I met a nice Muslim Pakistani guy on Facebook and while we have just started a friendship, its really nice to have someone from my own culture to talk to. Admittedly, he is in the UK, so I'm not sure how anything more would go with Covid but just having someone to talk to (especially Male given my culture) is very nice. 

Edited September 19, 2020 by harushinkai
Update

[eck]

I've just passed 18 years with my partner, and seen our relationship go through a few phases along the way as we try to centre each other's happiness - sexual (and monogamous), open (and non-sexual on my end), too tired for either of us to care about anything sexual (two young kids), and as a poly household for the past few years. This last has seen us at our most content and fulfilled - I don't need to worry about their libido and sexual satisfaction and can happily indulge my non-libidinous ways (Yay Cake!), we can both focus on our romantic and personal connections, and apparently the magic ratio for the care and feeding of kids is one more adult than number of children, because we all have time for social lives and hobbies!

 

We were a bit scared moving into this territory since we live in a small centre, but haven't had any blowback from neighbours or the community - some of them are confused as heck by our family, and I'm sure write their own narratives to fit us into their world views (it's helped that we had to divorce for this to work since our third partner is from another country and needed to marry to stay), so we've had comments that its nice we're making it work by staying in the same household 'for the kids'😉.

 

Love this thread, its nice to hear these stories.

Edited October 18, 2020 by eck
Correcting a word

[Skycaptain]

A "hello" occasionally has blossomed through "seeing at meet-ups" to friend to travelling compianon, to very best friend, and now we're lovers ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Lilsi]

6 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

A "hello" occasionally has blossomed through "seeing at meet-ups" to friend to travelling compianon, to very best friend, and now we're lovers ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Congrats Chuck 🎉

[Skycaptain]

So everyone knows, the absolutely bestest person, love of my life is @De Mij'lory

I am genuinely the luckiest person in the world to have met you, and I only hope I can bring you eternal happiness, love, contentment and pleasure amongst things ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[narwhalzipan]

Disclaimer* I am just now discovering asexuality at 27. Also this is going to be a long story, so gear up. I remember several occasions growing up that made me realize I did not view sexual situations the way most other people did. I remember my friends talking about how they messed around with a guy or girl and how exciting it was, and I just didn't get it. For a while I thought it was just because of my introversion - if I'm not too keen on spending time with people in general, why would I think about sex any differently? I also thought maybe it was just because lots of physical contact is awkward, or uncomfortable for me - even with family or close friends. When I started college, I thought it was just that I was busy with my classes, and didn't have time to think about relationships. I had all of these explanations for not pursuing other people, but in all honestly, it's just not something I really thought or cared about.

 

When I was 19, I had a pretty good little group of friends, and being surrounded by people having sex or talking about it all the time, I started to feel a little insecure. I was never the type of person who felt I needed to 'fit in' but I did think it was kind of lame still being a virgin. I was chilling with one of the guys at a park near campus and he said he wanted to kiss me, so we did. Just once, it didn't feel like anything to me, and then we proceeded to just go back to his place to cuddle and binge Firefly. He was a good friend, and I liked a lot of things about him - but just as a friend. A few days later while hanging out, I casually mentioned to the group that I wanted to have sex, and a different guy was like 'I'd have sex with you.' So a couple of days later we were hanging out and when everyone else went to bed, we fucked.

 

I was glad that I was officially not a virgin anymore, but that was about it. I mean there were moments when the physical stimulus was kind of pleasing, but overall, sex was just meh. I didn't hate it, it didn't hurt, it was just weird to me. The guy seemed to be enjoying it a lot, so that was good, but I could tell I was just missing something. I even really liked him as a person, out of the people in this friend group, he was the one I identified with the most. We talked a lot and I really liked the way he thought about things, and we had shared interests, and I even thought he looked aesthetically pleasing. Objectively, I would say he was good at sex - very attentive, and he definitely knew what he was doing, but it just wasn't any more interesting or enjoyable than like... playing Borderlands or something.

 

We ended up trying all kinds of different stuff - and it was only mildly interesting to me when we were somewhere we shouldn't have been - like that element was kind of fun, but the sex itself... I often found myself wishing we were doing something else - I never said that, of course. I did love spending time with him, he was my favorite person, and the more time we spent together, the more I felt like I could call it love. We became 'the couple' everyone knew about, we were #relationshipgoals as people would say, we moved in together. Over the next year or so, I became less and less willing to have sex. I tried not to make it noticeable, making excuses or trying to make it more about him than me - but of course, he could tell. Over the years, we had both gained some weight, so he thought maybe I was just insecure about my body or something, but nothing he did or said to reassure me that he was still really attracted to me mattered - because I just didn't care about sex.

 

We learned about the 5 love languages thing - no surprises there. Physical intimacy was one of the top things for him, and non-existent for me. That's when I decided to look at things a little differently. It was hard to wrap my head around how much he really enjoyed sex because I just couldn't relate, but I knew it was important to him. I wanted to make him happy, so I let him know how I feel and even I got really good at his favorite things. I approached it like learning any other skill. It took a while for him to accept that I don't care about my own orgasm - it's just not worth the effort. For me, sex is like doing dishes - he respects that I would rather keep the focus on him, and avoid unnecessary touching or kissing. I respect that sometimes he just needs it and I'll be that person for him.

 

We are married now, and have been together over 7 years. I don't feel guilty anymore, or like there is something wrong with me. He gets that I'm perfectly happy without much physical intimacy, but doesn't hesitate to initiate when he wants it. We just talked a lot about what parts of our relationship are most important to each-other and keep it balanced - we kind of have a system of equivalent exchange. I hope everyone who wants to, is fortunate enough to encounter someone they can make it work with. I never thought I would be interested in anyone - I'm just glad I have a best friend to spend my life with. And for everyone who isn't interested in relationships, I hope you don't let other people make you feel out of place. We are all just people trying to find our happiness, and that means something a little different for each person.

Edited October 23, 2020 by narwhalzipan

[Kitty_Ace]

I just want to give a shout out to my husband. I just recently found out what asexuality was and knew immediately that it was me (within the last year). I came out slowly to a very few hand picked individuals, most are those who I've met online and are a part of the Ace/Aro community. I've been researching, asking questions, COMPILING spread sheets with resources because... I needed to do it to help myself make sense of it all and to have as reference material for my husband when I finally decided to tell him. 

 

When I say that I've been worrying myself sick about telling him, I'm not kidding. He is such an accepting and loving person, but there's ALWAYS the fear of telling the most important person in your life that you have a new label or identity. I made the mistake of reading through some of the topics on here for sexual partners and it really did a number on my mental and emotional state. I felt like there would be no way he would be able to accept me because SEX is what's important. I thought that he would feel like a part of his life was missing and he would look elsewhere. I assumed that he would think I "tricked" him into marrying me. There are so many negative threads with sexual partners just talking about how broken their relationship is because of their asexual partner. I FELL INTO THIS HOLE. 

 

Well, two nights ago, it slipped right out of my mouth to him. I said "I'm asexual" and he immediately took my hand and said "Ok, can you explain it to me in more detail because I only know the bare minimum". 

 

This turned into a three hour conversation of explaining, crying, laughing and sharing. There wasn't one doubt in his head. He believed me because "why wouldn't I?". There was no judgement or confusion. He said, "it's who you are, why would any of this matter to me?". When I mentioned that I thought that I tricked him into marriage his response was that:

 

1) How is it being tricked when this is WHO YOU ARE and you just didn't have a name to place it with?

2) Sex isn't why I married you.

3) Even if you told me when we were first dating, it wouldn't have changed a thing.

 

THIS MAN. I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM ALL OVER AGAIN. 

 

We talked about boundaries, what the future looks like and I explained that compromises are allowed, but not to always be expected and it will always have to be on my terms and whether I am 100% comfortable. And CONSENT. YES verbally, but because my heart can often betray me, I need to show that I am saying YES with my body language as well. There's going to be more to discuss, but I just wanted to share with you all that there are partners out there who WILL get it and will be happy as long as YOU ARE. I feel extremely lucky and honored to have him. I wish I never doubted him at all. 

[Imostlylovecooking]

Hey everyone, I'm here to tell the story of how I got to be a couple with my favourite person.

 

Over 3 years ago I met this girl at school, she was this insanely talented artistic person and I really loved her art and envied her talent (or so I thought). We quickly became friends and I started to increasingly feel "envious" about how talented she was, and how smart she was and she also had her looks going for her, you can imagine I soon figured out that I didn't actually envy her, I loved her. 

Now I was a sexual person and I'd known since I befriended her that she was ace, I spent a while thinking and basically decided I cared way more about her as a person than the concept of having a sexual relationship. I didn't feel like it was fair of me to ask her to compromise even if she agreed to date me, and that I wouldn't want a sexual relationship with her anyway, not because I wasn't attracted to her or whatever but because to me the gratification of sex comes from pleasing the person you love. I wouldn't be making her happy with a sexual relationship, so it wouldn't do anything for me either. 

 

I was so overjoyed to hear her say yes to my request for a date, it soon escalated from there and we became a couple. At first she asked about things like compromise because she thought that'd be something that I would want. It was my decision to make the relationship celebate and monogamous. This instilled a lot of trust and respect for me on her part and to be fairly honest I love her a lot but even if she'd ever leave me, I think I'd rather have an asexual partner all over again.

 

You hear a lot about mixed relationships making things harder but to me it was different. In previous relationships I had struggled with partners who would feel insecure about the relationship if I didn't feel up to sex for like a week, or there'd be jealous partners being worried I'd cheat. In my previous relationships sex brought up a lot of insecurities and discomfort between myself and previous partners. Without sex in the equation my relationship seems to fare a lot better, the only thing between us is this strong emotional connection we have, we have other ways of showing our affection for eachother that I quite frankly like better than sex and don't cause the issues that can come out of insecurities about the sexual side of the relationship. 

 

We've been together for 3 years now and I can honestly say that I've never met anyone that has made me this happy. We got our first home together a year ago and it's just filled with joy. I enjoy waking up next to her every morning and I haven't regretted for a second the fact that I gave up the sexual part of my life for her. Although I do miss it slightly sometimes, I wouldn't want the dynamic of my relationship to change in any way, shape or form, it's simply more than worth it to me.

 

I am pretty sure there are plenty of sexual people that would also like the dynamic of dating an asexual more than dating a sexual person because sex can sometimes just be a tricky part of a relationship anyways. To me it just filtered out a lot of perspective about what actually matters when you love eachother. We make one another happy, we laugh, we cry, we make stupid jokes when watching films. Of course I don't want to invalidate the feelings of any ace or sexual person who feels differently, it works for us.

[Memento65]

Hi all, we want to share our encouraging story. @Logans and I were two of the many people writing on this forum. We started chatting over PM and found natural to meet each other in person after a couple of months. So far, things are going well...

 

We feel that we have finally found someone who deeply understand our way of living a relationship. For the first time in our lives we feel completely comfortable within a relationship, without any fear of making the other person unhappy.  Even though the asexual community is really small, our story is testimony to the fact that it is still possible to find someone who shares your same point of view. 

 

Staying together has helped us feel much more confident even in our everyday lives.

 

We hope this message will encourage you to find your way to happiness, or at least a place where you don't feel wrong.

 

[gisiebob]

soon.