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23 hours ago, JadeBat said:

I used to feel and sometimes have moments of feeling like my boyfriend is missing out or not fulfilled as I'm asexual but my experience with him and also he puts those worries to bed if I ever feel insecure, feel it's a common insecurity in ace/allo relationship. But as in all relationships communication is key.

 

I'm in a Allo (Bi) / Ace relationship and for us it requires compromise on both sides but weighed in my favour because my boundaries are more firm around sexual activity. But I always feel safe and comfortable in the relationship and during intimacy and he feel happy and content with the intimacy we do share as we are both very cuddly and touchy feely people and the non-sexual intimacy is enough for us. I also compromise on sexual act (not sex) that I'm apathetic to which work well for us (and if he needs more he sorts himself out and is content to do so).

 

Again this is just our relationship but I'm sure there are other allos out there who also don't place as much importance on sex as other relationship intimacies.

That is brilliant that you have found something that works for you but I am aware that there is an issue that not having sex in a relationship for an allo can lead them to be miserable or even having sex with a sex favourable ace is also not the same for them because being able to express mutual desire is also important.   I just worry a lot that I would place an allo in a situation that they were deeply unhappy by having a relationship with them and not getting their needs met, however I also feel stuck because I am very romantic and it's so hard to meet someone else who is romantic and asexual and for a long time I have been single for this reason & I am now really wanting to meet someone

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Squirrel Combat
On 4/2/2014 at 9:59 AM, Squirrel Combat said:

Do fictional success stories count? :P

I'll have to get back to you guys on a real one in a little bit.

Geez, 9 and a half years later I'm still searching and holding out for that success story of mine. 🥲😒

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banana monkey
On 1/8/2023 at 9:07 PM, Guest said:

Hi there,

I.

The question is how do I find intimacy without sex. 

 

I've read about, massages, cooking, holding hands and so forth. But what I'm really interested in is knowing how asexuals in successful relationships find intimacy outside of kinks and things one would do with a good friend or sibling.

 

 

 

 

This I think is the difference here. I wouldnt hold hands, cuddle, spoon with a friend. There would be things that I would talk about with a partner that I wouldnt with a friend (or even sibling). Its those things that holds the intimacy for us asexuals I think. So in answer to your question how do we find intimacy, we cuddle hold hands, spoon, talk, sometimes share a bed (but no sex). These things are enough to provide for our intimacy needs and other posters are right that they tend to be more intimate for us when the fear that it will lead to sex (or any expectation of it)  is completely removed. 

 

I appreciate a few people may cuddle with siblings but its very unlikely once they are adults, and there is something in the brain which keeps it a familial type of intimacy rather than a romantic one. 

 

 

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Disneyplusandchill

This is 2nd-hand but I want to share a positive story anyway! After telling a buddy of mine that I'm aroace, I was pleasantly surprised to find out he understood what both those things were well! He went on to tell me about an Ace couple in his class, which made me happy to hear. 

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On 11/1/2023 at 5:36 AM, Squirrel Combat said:

Geez, 9 and a half years later I'm still searching and holding out for that success story of mine. 🥲😒

haha same :) 

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  • 1 month later...
ArcherMay

I think mine might be a success story, but it still has its ups and downs, so it realistically qualifies as a "real life" success story, I suppose.

 

We met when we were 16 years old, same high school. I was a writer, artist, general social outcast who wanted to stay home and draw rather than experience the normal high school life. For context, my brothers and I went to a Christian private school from K-8 grade, and it did wonders for my understanding of sexuality 🙄🙄🙄 (*dripping with sarcasm) and socially I was, to be generous, rather awkward. He was pretty popular and just a normal high school kid, played basketball, went to public school, knew way more about the female body than I did, and we immediately became best friends and that never changed.

 

It morphed into a romantic relationship over the course of a year, and was the most natural thing in the world. We never had sex, never even broached the subject. We were both virgins, and both being 16 obviously suffered from hormone overdrive but to this day I sort of marvel at our relationship. We cuddled, kissed, got close to sex several times but things were never forced and he - again, for a 16 year old boy, what?!!! - knew I came from an exceedingly sexually conservative environment and we never met any situation together where he tried to convince me to do anything I was uncomfortable with, or vice versa. We discovered each other together - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

 

We ended up having sex for the first time seven - SEVEN - years into our relationship. We were both ending college, had mutually decided to get married because I mean, who else would we even want to spend that kind of time with? I did enjoy it, very much. So did he. Keep in mind this was "sex" as everyone knows it to be - we had done other things together to satisfy each other throughout the seven years. Like I said, it wasn't like we mutually decided to not have sex until we were married - it just sort of worked out that way.

 

When we got married I immediately fell into the "sexual expectations of a wife" mentality. I had started birth control like a responsible 23 year old and figured it was the hormones which were killing my libido. We had sex, sort of scheduled, almost every Saturday morning. I didn't hate it, wasn't even annoyed by it, but it was sort of "chore-like." However, that didn't really matter to me much. The issues that really bothered me was how I had built up sex in my mind as some explosive, spiritual, highest-connection-two-humans-can-experience-together event. To be honest, there were a few times that seemed to be the case, but generally, sex just felt very "meh". I figured it was my brain which was screwing me over (pardon the pun) and worked very, very hard to develop an adult understanding around sex as an act, what it can be, what it is and isn't, and what it was for us as a married couple. 

 

I do believe I have succeeded in understanding culturally how westerners value sex, how it's played up in the media, how it can range from casual fun to intense emotional experiences, and that it's different for everyone. And I realized that sex, for me, was just something I didn't really need. I just don't think about it. I'm very neutral towards it. There are some aspects to it I still find rather "ew" (I can't decide if that's my upbringing or just my asexuality, both, not sure and I'm also not sure it's important) but generally, when we do have sex I enjoy the closeness and the fact that I'm giving something to my partner that he craves both physically and emotionally from me. It's satisfactory for both of us - most of the time.

 

Early on in our marriage when I realized our sexual differences were going to be an issue I keep thinking it was on me - I wasn't normal, and something broken needed to be repaired. We talked about it regularly and kept landing on my religious upbringing (I'm agnostic/atheist now). It was easy to scapegoat my schooling but as the years went by it became harder to use it as such. One day I had a total breakdown - the guilt, the shame, the feeling of not being normal was just too much. I felt like I was letting him down, I couldn't satisfy him, what was wrong with me, did I simply not love him sexually, why couldn't I just want it and make it easy on myself - pretty standard for aces, as I understand it now - but then it was debilitating. During my breakdown I cried more than I'd ever cried in front of him - and he said (I'm quoting this because I've never forgotten it): "Babe, we could never have sex again and I would still want to be married to you." 

 

That's huge. I can't describe the hugeness of that statement. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. We are now in our forties - we have never had an infidelity, never had a fight over this. It's always been empathetic discussions on attempting to put each other in the other person's shoes. We're not totally sex-free - there are days where I am unbelievably sexually attracted to him and for a few days we have sex regularly. But those are very rare and by today's "relationship doctors" we are basically a sexless marriage. Under ten times a year. Sometimes I feel his frustration, and we have to have a conversation around it. I found out about asexuality during the pandemic and it hit very much home, and I showed him a lot of reading on it and we, like always, discussed it. Apparently he knew I am asexual for a very long time. He said he gets frustrated because sometimes he forgets, but that it's his "problem" and not mine. 

 

That's our biggest sticking point - our downs, so to speak. I have to remind him that first of all, there is no "problem" that is solely his and not both of ours. That at these times, it is not "him meeting my requirements" it is "us meeting in the middle for both of our needs". It is us vs. the problem, not him vs. my orientation. These result in long discussions but they're never heated, nor do they make one or the other of us feel inadequate or the guilty party. Sometimes it's a dark cloud I can't seem to come out from under, but then he reminds me of his statement he made to me sixteen years ago, and that it still stands, and will always stand. We work through these times, we meet in the middle, we communicate to the highest degree and make sure we are doing everything we can to support, love, communicate - and most of all - TRUST the other. 

 

There you are. There's our success story. Asexual female, sexual male, together for twenty-four years this year. I hope some people can read this and understand that relationships can revolve around more intimacy than just the sexual kind - and that, sometimes, the lack of which actually brings you closer together because you pay more attention to the small things that tell the other they are loved. 

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
UnicornCloud
On 1/2/2024 at 7:37 PM, ArcherMay said:

I think mine might be a success story, but it still has its ups and downs, so it realistically qualifies as a "real life" success story, I suppose.

 

We met when we were 16 years old, same high school. I was a writer, artist, general social outcast who wanted to stay home and draw rather than experience the normal high school life. For context, my brothers and I went to a Christian private school from K-8 grade, and it did wonders for my understanding of sexuality 🙄🙄🙄 (*dripping with sarcasm) and socially I was, to be generous, rather awkward. He was pretty popular and just a normal high school kid, played basketball, went to public school, knew way more about the female body than I did, and we immediately became best friends and that never changed.

 

It morphed into a romantic relationship over the course of a year, and was the most natural thing in the world. We never had sex, never even broached the subject. We were both virgins, and both being 16 obviously suffered from hormone overdrive but to this day I sort of marvel at our relationship. We cuddled, kissed, got close to sex several times but things were never forced and he - again, for a 16 year old boy, what?!!! - knew I came from an exceedingly sexually conservative environment and we never met any situation together where he tried to convince me to do anything I was uncomfortable with, or vice versa. We discovered each other together - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

 

We ended up having sex for the first time seven - SEVEN - years into our relationship. We were both ending college, had mutually decided to get married because I mean, who else would we even want to spend that kind of time with? I did enjoy it, very much. So did he. Keep in mind this was "sex" as everyone knows it to be - we had done other things together to satisfy each other throughout the seven years. Like I said, it wasn't like we mutually decided to not have sex until we were married - it just sort of worked out that way.

 

When we got married I immediately fell into the "sexual expectations of a wife" mentality. I had started birth control like a responsible 23 year old and figured it was the hormones which were killing my libido. We had sex, sort of scheduled, almost every Saturday morning. I didn't hate it, wasn't even annoyed by it, but it was sort of "chore-like." However, that didn't really matter to me much. The issues that really bothered me was how I had built up sex in my mind as some explosive, spiritual, highest-connection-two-humans-can-experience-together event. To be honest, there were a few times that seemed to be the case, but generally, sex just felt very "meh". I figured it was my brain which was screwing me over (pardon the pun) and worked very, very hard to develop an adult understanding around sex as an act, what it can be, what it is and isn't, and what it was for us as a married couple. 

 

I do believe I have succeeded in understanding culturally how westerners value sex, how it's played up in the media, how it can range from casual fun to intense emotional experiences, and that it's different for everyone. And I realized that sex, for me, was just something I didn't really need. I just don't think about it. I'm very neutral towards it. There are some aspects to it I still find rather "ew" (I can't decide if that's my upbringing or just my asexuality, both, not sure and I'm also not sure it's important) but generally, when we do have sex I enjoy the closeness and the fact that I'm giving something to my partner that he craves both physically and emotionally from me. It's satisfactory for both of us - most of the time.

 

Early on in our marriage when I realized our sexual differences were going to be an issue I keep thinking it was on me - I wasn't normal, and something broken needed to be repaired. We talked about it regularly and kept landing on my religious upbringing (I'm agnostic/atheist now). It was easy to scapegoat my schooling but as the years went by it became harder to use it as such. One day I had a total breakdown - the guilt, the shame, the feeling of not being normal was just too much. I felt like I was letting him down, I couldn't satisfy him, what was wrong with me, did I simply not love him sexually, why couldn't I just want it and make it easy on myself - pretty standard for aces, as I understand it now - but then it was debilitating. During my breakdown I cried more than I'd ever cried in front of him - and he said (I'm quoting this because I've never forgotten it): "Babe, we could never have sex again and I would still want to be married to you." 

 

That's huge. I can't describe the hugeness of that statement. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. We are now in our forties - we have never had an infidelity, never had a fight over this. It's always been empathetic discussions on attempting to put each other in the other person's shoes. We're not totally sex-free - there are days where I am unbelievably sexually attracted to him and for a few days we have sex regularly. But those are very rare and by today's "relationship doctors" we are basically a sexless marriage. Under ten times a year. Sometimes I feel his frustration, and we have to have a conversation around it. I found out about asexuality during the pandemic and it hit very much home, and I showed him a lot of reading on it and we, like always, discussed it. Apparently he knew I am asexual for a very long time. He said he gets frustrated because sometimes he forgets, but that it's his "problem" and not mine. 

 

That's our biggest sticking point - our downs, so to speak. I have to remind him that first of all, there is no "problem" that is solely his and not both of ours. That at these times, it is not "him meeting my requirements" it is "us meeting in the middle for both of our needs". It is us vs. the problem, not him vs. my orientation. These result in long discussions but they're never heated, nor do they make one or the other of us feel inadequate or the guilty party. Sometimes it's a dark cloud I can't seem to come out from under, but then he reminds me of his statement he made to me sixteen years ago, and that it still stands, and will always stand. We work through these times, we meet in the middle, we communicate to the highest degree and make sure we are doing everything we can to support, love, communicate - and most of all - TRUST the other. 

 

There you are. There's our success story. Asexual female, sexual male, together for twenty-four years this year. I hope some people can read this and understand that relationships can revolve around more intimacy than just the sexual kind - and that, sometimes, the lack of which actually brings you closer together because you pay more attention to the small things that tell the other they are loved. 

 

 

 

Oh my gosh, this is absolutely beautiful 🥹 Thank you so much for taking the time to share 🤗

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It's been a long time since I've visited the site, but thought I'd drop in.

 

I met my husband on AVEN 17 Jan 2012. We married 9 Nov 2013 and are still together. He's allo, not ace, but his disability makes physical intimacy basically impossible. I am sex-repulsed and he is of the opinion (as am I) that sexual activity is merely a part of a relationship and how he feels about me is way more important.

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey! It’s been a bit since I’ve been on here but my boyfriend (31 from Finland) and I (34, Germany) just celebrated 3 years together so I thought it might be fun to share our story a little bit. 
 

We met on AceApp (which I don’t think exists anymore sadly) in January 2021. More or less because of a glitch in the app “search” function, he was shown to me, even though he didn’t match the criteria I had set (for some reason I was stuck on only guys my age and older). But it was during the lockdown and I was bored and he seemed nice, so I messaged him and we hit it off right away! 
 

We talked about travel and food and pets and one week later we video chatted for the first time. We talked about our intimacy/ sexual boundaries and preferences and somehow they matched up perfectly (which isn’t a given at all. Even when both people are on the ace spectrum). 
 

In August, when travel was allowed again, I visited him for the first time and then he visited me in November and again in January, when he also met my family. I met his parents in April and in July he moved in with me (from Finland to Germany)

 

We have been living together for 1.5 years and I don’t remember how I ever managed without him. He understands me in ways no one else does and accepts me for exactly who I am. Our intimacy is perfect! After being in a relationship with an allo for years (before figuring out I’m ace), my whole world is different now. We do what we both want, when we both want it. 
 

I could keep going on, but basically - it is possible to find another ace person out there, who isn’t just ace, but also somehow the perfect match in all other aspects. 
 

I’m grateful for AVEN and aces I met and talked to and how the conversations helped me figured out myself and what I really want. This way I was able to find my person. 

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1 hour ago, 2XD said:

This way I was able to find my person. 

That's awesome! Congratulations! :cake: 

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Optimistic_Ally

Success is not breaking up with somebody you love because it got hard. Because they ‘changed’.  If you really loved that person then put the effort in and work it out.

Success is loving the person, not seeing them as an object.

Success is understanding how they feel and being there for them. Do not judge feelings.

Success for me is never leaving when it seems the easy way out.  

Success for me is never considering extra-marital relations. Stay faithful.

Success is earned every time a bump in the road is overcome.

Success can be every day. Days add up to months, then years.

 

I am in an ongoing success story. It takes work, just like everything else in a successful life.

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