I wonder if my girlfriend might be asexual

[BerenErchamion]

I know these questions are a dime a dozen around here. Still, I'm not sure what to do.

I am deeply in love with my girlfriend of three years, so much so that I want to marry her.

However, in three years she seems to have expressed zero sexual feeling towards me.

To be absolutely clear--there's an abundance of very real romantic feeling and affection, that she's more than willing to show me even though she's very reserved as far as showing her affection to most other people she's close to. There was no hesitation when we first kissed, she's usually the one to initiate things like a cuddle, etc. I have no doubt that she loves me as much as I do her, and that she wants to show that affection.

But overtly sexual displays are a different matter. I admit, I'm not sure if she simply lacks sexual desire or if she has strongly-ingrained hangups and inhibitions or simply does not feel ready right now. She becomes visibly uncomfortable around me when we're watching even a network TV show and sex comes up (although less and less so as our relationship has progressed) or a movie with nudity--I don't think she's offended by it, and indeed she watches them all the time on her own (she LOVES Game of Thrones)--whether casual or in the context of a romantic relationship. She's mentioned before that this is something she feels when she's around anyone, whether it's her parents, her seven-year-old siblings (ok, I can see where that might be awkward in either of those cases), or her best friend; this leads me to wonder whether it's inhibitions/unreadiness rather than lack of sexual attraction. On the other hand, we were discussing actors and actresses once, and the topic of physical attraction came up; she mentioned casually that she's never really attracted in any sense to anyone she sees on TV. Romantic attraction to me definitely, but physical attraction to strangers not so much.

The thing is, I am strongly sexually attracted to her--an attraction only intensified by my romantic feelings for her. The sort of intimacy that comes from sex, making ourselves totally vulnerable to one another, builds a sort of bond that I see as an important element of romantic love.

I don't think that her inability (if that's what it is) to reciprocate my sexual desire is necessarily a deal-breaker, though it's one of those things I can't know for sure until I confront the matter with definite knowledge. Right now, I think I want to marry her. However, I realize that however madly in love I may be (and have been for some time), the sex thing might be a problem, and unless we get it out in the open there's no way to know for sure. I hope it won't be, but maybe it will.

I know, I know, the only thing I can do is talk to her about it. However, I'm not really sure how to bring this up. As of a couple of months ago, we're on opposite sides of the country for grad school. This isn't really something I think I should bring up during a phone call, so I'll have to wait until the few times when we're back together on our breaks. The problem with bringing it up then is that I'm afraid if I don't do it exactly right, it might lend an awkward air to the short time we get to spend in each other's presence (which we both treasure). And then there's the matter of making it clear that I love her regardless--I feel the sexual attraction I do because I love her so much (there are plenty of women, whom I know or I don't, who I find physically sexually attractive, and even if I didn't know my girlfriend I'd feel the same--but what I feel for her now is of a totally different sort)--and that I'm not saying this out of any desire to pressure her into doing anything (she's not religious, but if she did have sexual desires but because of the possibility of children, etc. she prefers to have a lifetime commitment, that's perfectly reasonable if that's how she feels--I don't, I feel that contraceptives are quite workable, but I can certainly respect that someone else might prefer not to take the risk) and that I love her regardless, whether she simply feels inhibited, prefers to wait, or simply has no sexual desire towards me at all.

How do I bring this up?

[ThatHindu]

What marvelous self-insight and empathy for the other person, BerenErchamion. I think you know exactly what to do, and I feel you should do it ASAP. Do it buddy; if you put it across the way you plan, and she is a reasonable and sincere type, you have nothing to lose, and a lot to gain.

[BerenErchamion]

Thank you.

And I mean, yeah, I know I need to talk about it.

I just don't know how. Our current geographical situation really gives only a few opportunities a year where it's a "good time" to bring things like this up. This isn't something you do over the phone, over skype, etc.

[Lyariage]

I agree with ThatHindu, that is incredible self-insight and empathy (his words sum up my feelings exactly). Incredible respect too. Thank you for sharing your views - being on the ace side of the fence, having such a frank and honest viewpoint from someone who experiences sexual attraction has helped me understand that a little more :)

I feel that if she loves and trusts you as much as you do her, I am sure that you guys will have no problem talking openly and honestly about this. It's always difficult to talk about these things, and it is probably easier to do in person because it's easier to gauge the other person's feelings better. However that may not always be possible. It's clear you have been thinking about this a lot. When it's the right time, you'll know it. Trust and believe in yourself. Have faith that things will work out. Trust in yourself, and the right words will come. And if there is awkwardness, trust that that feeling will pass. Trust that your open discussion will bring you both closer together as you both prove to each other that you love and respect each other's points of view, whether they match or don't match over this particular issue or not. Only by discussing it (and with some time) will you know how this will affect your relationship. Trust me though, it sounds like you're doing everything right so far :)

[Iamala]

I agree with all above, I think you're being really decent and respectful and yes need to talk about it. As for a way of bringing it up though, maybe you could try starting the conversation with something like- I read this article (the Huffington Post series on asexuality is a good introduction) about asexuality and I found it really interesting etc. and then maybe ask her if she'd ever considered it.

Just a warning, if she has not come across asexuality before, even if she does later decide she identifies as asexual, be prepared for some confusion or even a little upset. Speaking as someone who only found out about asexuality at seventeen, even though you might be so ace you can't believe later you didn't realise, my initial reaction was- oh that's not me, it'll come. I rationally believed maybe girls just didn't feel it as much or it would be different when I was in love or simply, it's just something to be done when you're married you don't have to like it, and didn't see why these were strange/ unhealthy attitudes because I just didn't understand there was another setting, so to speak, that you could be on to most other people.

I think the main thing to do though, is make it clear, if she does think she's ace, that you love her, and yes it means you might have to discuss stuff more, but that compromise is part of every relationship, and you're willing to try to work it out with her.

I wish you all the best of luck, and applaud you for being so decent.

[Faith Formation]

First of all, we would do questionable things for a friend like you. You're being very empathetic and respectful, and that's just something you don't see a whole lot. But we basically second what everyone else has said - you certainly seem to have done your research. If you're nervous that bringing it up to her will cause problems, we wouldn't worry too much. It's better to communicate your feelings and concerns clearly than to let them be the elephent in the room, or stew. The sooner you can talk to her about it, the sooner she can express herself - and the sooner you both can get through it and understand one another, and feel relieved. Which will hopefully be the outcome. If you're as careful and sensitive as you say, we can't see much at all going wrong. Best of luck!

[Sundance_]

Wow, I'm really impressed, BerenErchamion. You seem really in tune to what's going on in your relationship, and what you don't understand, you are hoping to ask about. That's pretty cool.

I found your post interesting because I'm in something of the opposite situation. For a year or so, I've been dating a fellow who's kind of perfect: sweet, smart, understands me, is very much into me. However, I've just realized (like this month) that I'm probably asexual. Augh! It's both a relief to finally understand what's going on with me and also terrifying to try to figure out what this is going to mean for my (and his) future.

If I can offer any advice for you, it's that––if she decides that she identifies as asexual––it's probably going to be difficult for her to come to terms with it. You'll both have to really carefully consider what you really want, whether this is a deal breaker, and if not, how the arrangement is going to work for you. Personally, my whole vision of my future is shifting rapidly. I had always assumed that sexual desire would come at some point, like maybe when I decided that I wanted it. And now that expectation is gone, and I'm not sure how I'm going to approach my current and possible future relationships. I expect it's going to take quite a bit of time to figure it out. In regards to my SO, he always respects my boundaries and that's the number one reason our relationship works for me.

Anyway, you're probably doing an amazing job considering you've been together this long. Good luck with your girl! I wish you the best.

[joesantus]

"I know, I know, the only thing I can do is talk to her about it. However, I'm not really sure how to bring this up."

Unfortunately, too often amid the complexities and uncontrollables of life, as much as we can wish otherwise, there simply ISN'T a "good" time or the "right" way to broach an issue. Sure, wrong timing and tactless engagement are potentially damaging -- but so are waiting and hoping and agonizing for the "better time and right opportunity".

As you've acknowledged you realize, you have to bring it up. So, I bluntly ("tactlessly"!) exhort you, just DO it.

*HUGS*

[Elderberry]

Having been in your girlfriend's position--I'm also an ace who was also with my husband for three years without the sex issue even coming up--I am very glad that you are being so considerate around the topic of sex and sexuality. However, unlike the other posters, I don't really think that talking to her over the phone or internet is a good way to address the issue. If my husband had brought up sex over the phone while we were dating, I might have freaked out and would have been petrified about seeing him in person. At the time, the merest implication that anyone, but especially the person I loved most, would want to have sex with me was beyond my ability to cope with. I saw sex as a disgusting act whereby men subjugated and degraded women. I can't say if your girlfriend shares any of that (admittedly bizarre) hubris, but I'd like to point out that it is possible that she does, so tread with caution.

For me, realizing that I was asexual was a difficult process that involved a lot of cognitive dissonance (I believed other women were the same as me). I would start the conversation in person, in a non-threatening way. You could mention that you ran across a friend/acquaintance/etc who identified as asexual, and explain what it means if she hasn't heard it before. Based on her reaction, you can decide what to do next; being able to read her reaction is critical, and why I recommend talking in person.

[BerenErchamion]

Thanks for your kind comments and suggestions, everyone.

We'll be seeing each other again in a few weeks. I'm nervous as hell about this, but I'm going to bring it up sometime in the two weeks I'm back home.

Hoping for the best outcome, in the context of whatever we discover.

Thanks again.

[MikeysGrrrl1979]

As someone in a situation incredibly similar to yours, I do wish you the best of luck in having this all important conversation with her. It's great that you're trying to understand and be supportive of her while finding out everything that you can about asexuality and how best to both approach her and the conversation.

I agree that this is the type of conversation that is best done in person, I always feel like very deep personal conversations should be done face to face, you can read the persons facial expressions, their emotions, hug, hold hands etc... So much easier than trying to gauge reactions via email and phone, so it's a relief to know that you've not chosen to go that route.

Sending positive thoughts your way. I value all sides of the spectrum, however I believe that it's so hard for a sexual to express that emotional connection that comes with that "one" person when you're sharing the ultimate act of intimacy, those that have never experienced it, cannot possibly understand, those that have really feel incomplete without it. The idea is to find a happy medium, a compromise where both partners feel comfortable, secure, loved and feel as though their needs are valued and just as important as the other partners.

I still need to have a talk with my partner, I have tried a few times, with little to no response from them that provides me with a solution or comfort. It's almost as though I'm fighting a losing battle to feel heard and understood. I really hope that this conversation is the beginning of a deeper understanding and a stronger love and connection between you and your girlfriend.

[Down in Texas]

I agree with all of the above as to your ability to emphasize with your girlfriend. I agree you need to talk and yes it needs to be face to face. It is only right to discuss something of this importance in a relationship face to face. However, I feel it does need to be done before you move forward in the relationship.

We are all different and our degrees of sexuality are also different. No two people have the same views or needs as another. You and only YOU can know to what degree sex is important in your relationship. You, being the sexual, must know just how important of a role sex will hold in your relationship. In my eyes (and I know my husband hurts because he cannot give me what I want and need) however I feel I am the one that is giving up the most in our relationship. I feel that the sexual is the one that has the most to lose. How can you give up something you do not feel or need to begin with? Others have different views and they have every right to their views, another part of the proof of our differences.

So, before you talk you need to look deep and hard and not just in the moment but in the future kind of soul searching LOOK. It is easy to get caught up in the moment and think that things will change down the road. That is what I did. I figured anyone that LOVED me as much as he claimed he did would also love me sexually. This was 40+ years ago and yes we were both virgins, it was also before I knew anything about Asexuality. In a lot of ways you are lucky you know about asexuality now at your age I only learned of it at the age of 58 and the years before were filled with lots of hurt, tears, confusion and questions. So, before you talk know for sure that you cannot make someone learn how to be intimate. It is the one thing I feel that separates us sexual from asexuals and the most important in my book. To me and I stress to me intimacy or the ability to feel intimate is an innate feeling you either have it or you don’t.

I wish you both years of happiness even if it turns out not to be together.

[Guest]

All the advice is excellent, so I'm just going to highlight some things:

1. You're not going to have a talk. You're going to have MANY, MANY, MANY talks.

2. You are both going to be very upset at some point.

3. Even if you get a magically simple "yes I'm asexual", that's just the beginning of your struggle. If you get a "i'm not asexual", you've essentially gotten nowhere, because you still have a major gap in your sexual desires.

4. There really is never a "good" time to talk. Talk whenever.

5. Always believe her when she says she loves you.

[Down in Texas]

All the advice is excellent, so I'm just going to highlight some things:

1. You're not going to have a talk. You're going to have MANY, MANY, MANY talks.

2. You are both going to be very upset at some point.

3. Even if you get a magically simple "yes I'm asexual", that's just the beginning of your struggle. If you get a "i'm not asexual", you've essentially gotten nowhere, because you still have a major gap in your sexual desires.

4. There really is never a "good" time to talk. Talk whenever.

5. Always believe her when she says she loves you.

And I would add another number

6. Believe them if the answer to your question is "I don't know"

That is the answer I always received but it was not until recently (last couple of years) did I realize just how true that comment was. I learned he can not remember any of our prior sexual encounters therefore he has nothing to build on no memory of the GOOD feelings that add to the next. For me each time was a continuation of the past session of LOVE and for ME each one rolled into the next. For my Husband I learned he doesn't remember any of the others therefore each must stand on its own which becomes even harder once he starts to doubt his ability and lack of feeling.

Again Best of Luck

[Guest]

That's really interesting. I've noticed something similar with my partner. I definitely talk about sex like you do, Down, a continuation of the love and passion from each prior time, and from the emotion I'm feeling at the moment. It's like sex connects all the love dots :) My partner does not feel this way. Each time is a physical act that should be optimized for physical pleasure. She says it makes her feel happy and loved, but it doesn't seem to have that same connecting feeling that I have.

Man this is hard to talk about, words don't work well. :/

[joesantus]

And I would add another number

6. Believe them if the answer to your question is "I don't know"

Agreed. My Asexual wife also has a form of Asperger's, which, in her, has meant not only does she have little experience with certain emotional feelings but is usually uncertain of what's she's emotionally feeling at any given time. To the question, "how is this making you feel", she has for decades honestly and sincerely answered, "I don't know."

My wife (age 51) also has had significant memory issues for all the decades I've known her. I can't count the times that she's completely frustrated by her inability to remember important things she definitely wants, needs, and strives to remember. For more than a decade, she's instructed family and friends to tell her the same thing three times as an aid to her remembering. If asked how sex the day before was for her, she honestly answers, "I don't know," because she cannot remember. So, along with her Asexuality, she doesn't experience the continuity of memory that contributes to building the emotional bond and to generating desire and anticipation for another sexual connection, the way many of us Sexuals experience.