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"Would you like to get coffee sometime?"


Sennkestra

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So, I have long had a problem with being notoriously oblivious to the difference between someone flirting with me and someone just being friendly...I have a tendency to assume everyone's just being friendly, because hey that's what I do....and that often leads to awkward misunderstandings. So if anyone here is a bit more savvy, could you help me out?

So, this all started because I've been seeing "would you like to grab some coffee" used as an invitation to a date in a few fics I've read lately, and it's been making me wonder - how do you tell when a date is a date? Like, maybe it's just how my brain works, but if someone asked if IO wanted to get coffee sometime I would never have interpreted that as being a date/a romantic overture. So are things like "would you like to grab coffee" ever actually platonic? Is this something that other people can pick up on or is it this confusing for everyone?

And also, I figure there's probably no easy answer, but if anyone has advice on how to basically say "um, I'd actually love to get coffee [or hot chocolate, rather] with you sometime, because you seem like a cool person, but if this is a statement of romantic interest, you should be aware that I am not currently interested in romantic entanglements and this would have to be completely platonic" in not quite so many words that would be great.

tl;dr: I am socially oblivious, is it possible to platonically ask someone to coffee or is that usually seen as romantic?

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I'd say that an invitation to coffee is an invitation to get to know each other and sort out the possibilities. It's done for friendship as well as romantic meetups. That'd be the time I'd break the news before things took a wrong turn.

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Good question! I can't really pick up on that either, and that's how I ended up being in a relationship I didn't agree to. I interpreted one of my friends asking if I wanted to see a movie or go to a restaurant, as just going to a movie or to a restaurant. I had no clue that he considered it a date and the start of a relationship.

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9 out of 10 times that kind of invitation is romantic based. You don't really sit one on one to start off a platonic friendship, more often than not they begin with shared activities.

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Waist of Thyme

The only way to really know would be to ask the person who's offering to get coffee together. Some people use it as a way to maybe form a friendship, and others use it as an invitation to a date.

I'm like you and think people are just being polite/friendly, so that would probably be my default assumption. But I know that this kind of situation can be used for friends or dating purposes, so in this scenario I would ask just in case. (though it would be awkward if someone asked me, since I don't like coffee and I'm rarely interested in getting to know people...)

I don't understand why it's always coffee, though. Sometimes I feel like coffee is becoming deeply ingrained into first-world culture. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to get to know someone while drinking coffee, I just don't get why coffee in particular is used for these purposes so often.

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I consider it a "let's get to know each other" or as a friendly hang out invitation, especially if it's from someone you just met or even an acquaintance. Coffee is a great neutral activity that is good for discussion so my first reaction is to say it's a friendly invite only unless you are seeing them check you out with their eyes going up and down several times.

Openings like that do confuse me though since I know it's used as a casual date opening. In my head it is not a date unless they say "Would you like to go out with me/on a date with me?" I need the blunt, formal questioning to know if they consider any hang out activities a "date".

I'd say you can always ask if they mean it as friends or as a date, or say something like "Sure, I like getting coffee with friends" to make it obvious how you view it.

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9 out of 10 times that kind of invitation is romantic based. You don't really sit one on one to start off a platonic friendship, more often than not they begin with shared activities.

That is pretty much how I see it. I would assume that any such invitation means that the person is interesting in getting to know you because they would like to date you.

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You can be asking them to coffee as a friend, or as more. It all depends on the persons intentions. Usually to tell you have to pick up on tone, body language, etc to see if they're flirty...

Personally, I am REALLY shy so I don't like group events. I am just going to sit there and not speak and kind of hunch my shoulders in a defensive position. Makes making friends that way really impossible. So, if I ask people to do something, usually it's pretty platonic, even if it is one-on-one. ;) Unless I am flirting with them before hand, which no one has mistaken so far...

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byanyotherusername

It can be either, and I wouldn't go quite with the "9 out of 10" because it's often used for informal business meetings, too. This is the number one reason I'm invited to coffee, at least (though I don't actually drink coffee and always end up buying something else). And the second most common reason is to catch up with friends. I've only been invited for coffee by someone who was trying to date me once. I think coffee places are commonly used for all sort of meet-ups because they are cheap, comfortable and non-committal, you can stay as long or as short as you like.

The only way to really tell if something is a date is to ask. I don't think it's usually necessary at the stage where intentions are still ambiguous, though--if someone hasn't stated their romantic/sexual interest outright, it's okay if you don't pick up on it. Even sexuals can be oblivious to flirting. If you agree to go to coffee with someone that is all you are agreeing to do, and if it becomes clear that they are interested in more you can just politely say, "Oh, I'm sorry--I thought we were just getting coffee as friends. I'm flattered, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

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I went for coffee together with a friend before. But it doesn't feel romantic at all. There seems to be a mutual unspoken agreement that it's just a friendship thing.

I don't know how it would be different in a romantic situation, but I think one can feel it by the topic of conversation.

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"Sure! I think we could totally be friends", is how i usually tell. Sometimes I see the disappointment in their face other tone other time theyre just like "I didnt say that but (insert something here)"

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I went for coffee together with a friend before. But it doesn't feel romantic at all. There seems to be a mutual unspoken agreement that it's just a friendship thing.

I don't know how it would be different in a romantic situation, but I think one can feel it by the topic of conversation.

I think what the OP was asking was being invited by someone whose not already an established friend and that does change the circumstances. It's pretty unusual for someone of the opposite gender to invite a person to coffee or dinner just to get to know them as friends.

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I went for coffee together with a friend before. But it doesn't feel romantic at all. There seems to be a mutual unspoken agreement that it's just a friendship thing.

I don't know how it would be different in a romantic situation, but I think one can feel it by the topic of conversation.

I think what the OP was asking was being invited by someone whose not already an established friend and that does change the circumstances. It's pretty unusual for someone of the opposite gender to invite a person to coffee or dinner just to get to know them as friends.

Oh, understood. But naïve me still thinks it is possible...
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If someone asked me out for coffee I'd assume it's romantic. Then again, if they just ask me to study together or hang out, I always assume it's a friendship thing, and I tend to go wrong when I do that. Over time, I've learned to just state my preference to keep it at friendship level (I don't date sexuals) BEFORE the meetup happens, so that they can walk away if they don't like the idea. A bit blunt perhaps, but at least it works. :)

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WhenSummersGone

I think it's usually romantic but it could be friends as well, depends really. Although if they didn't make their intentions clear can they really be mad? I hung out with an old friend from high school and I thought it was just two friends hanging out, but maybe he thought it was a date. He never made it clear as to what it was so if he was upset about it then too bad I guess lol.

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Mycroft is Yourcroft

I'd say it's definitely a romantic invitation. It also seems to be the default 'date' where if things don't go as well as planned you can just say that it was time spent catching up with a friend. Personally the only experience I have with that question resulted in me saying 'I don't like coffee, I prefer tea' :huh:

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I think it depends on whether you know the person or not. A lot of my friends who I don't see often will say "We can grab a coffee" once one of us suggests we should hang out/catch up. It's just something that is inexpensive, there isn't a set time constraint (could be 20 min, could be 4 hours), and allows for the main focus to be talking. Also, when you're already hanging out with someone and they say "Do you want to grab a coffee" it just means that they want to drink coffee in that moment, and it has nothing to do with a date.

BUT, when a stranger/someone you barely know asks if you want to go for a coffee at some unspecified point in time in the future, it might be a date (assuming they then follow up with it) or it might just be being polite. As for when it's a date: it's a date when it feels like a date. Which is a horrible answer. But if it gets flirty and the conversation is good and its personal and leads to planning of future dates, its probably a date. Of course, a single time getting coffee does not mean you have agreed to be in a relationship with them. However, If you go on two or three dates and it hasn't come up whether or not its just a friends thing or a date thing, you might want to ask. Sometimes people mean it that way and sometimes they dont and its impossible (or, for me as well) to tell the difference. Pay attention to what they talk about though, as one of my friends once thought she was going on a date and then found out the guy thought it was just a friends thing and was already in a relationship (and agreed to it only bc he thought it was a friends thing).

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Yeah, context of the invitation is important... Obviously if it is "Let's all go get coffee." and a group thing, probably not a date. If it comes more out of the blue, and is obviously a one-on-one thing, it is most likely a date. Also you can tell a lot by the other person's attitude while they are asking. If it is a more jovial, "Lets go catch up after not seeing each other for a while," or "Lets hang out," attitude, not a date. If they are more nervous and intense about it, and they have put some thought into it, they probably have some romantic designs about it. Basically, if it is a friendly thing, they won't see it as a big deal, so won't have much planned out about it, but, if it is someone asking someone out for the first time, they will have put A LOT of thought into it. (discounting players and people like that)

Of course, these are from observations of others, and I may be wrong about it (and would like to know if I am).

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I would be taking such comments entirely literally unless indicated otherwise. To assume makes an ass out of u and me

However, that also includes the fact that I don't like coffee, so no matter who asked me such a thing, my response would be no :<

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I would be taking such comments entirely literally unless indicated otherwise. To assume makes an ass out of u and me

However, that also includes the fact that I don't like coffee, so no matter who asked me such a thing, my response would be no :<

My response would be "do they have good hot cocoa there?" ;)

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The Not So Impossible Girl

And also, I figure there's probably no easy answer, but if anyone has advice on how to basically say "um, I'd actually love to get coffee [or hot chocolate, rather] with you sometime, because you seem like a cool person, but if this is a statement of romantic interest, you should be aware that I am not currently interested in romantic entanglements and this would have to be completely platonic" in not quite so many words that would be great.

HOLY. SHIT.

This exact thing just happened to me yesterday!

I went out last night and it ended with a guy asking me if I wanted to get coffee. I don't drink coffee, so I was like, "hot chocolate?" And while it might be harder to tell for you if the person has romantic or platonic interests, I have to tell you, if it's a guy, he's probably interested in you romantically. This has at least been the case in my experience.

Also, this guy was DEFINITELY interested in me romantically because he kept touching my arm as if we already known each other. I only met him 2 hours ago! I don't understand why people want to touch each other all the time...

I'm not interested in anybody romantically. I figured I'd go for [hot chocolate] with him and clarify my motivations there. So, to answer your question, there are ways to tell if someone is flirting or just trying to find a friend.

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9 out of 10 times that kind of invitation is romantic based. You don't really sit one on one to start off a platonic friendship, more often than not they begin with shared activities.

Yes. Probably if you plainly asked if they had anything romantic in mind, they'd be embarassed and would say no (and might even be a bit angry you'd put them in that position), so best not to ask. But it's very likiely to be an expression of possible romantic interest and wanting to check you out further. If you're not interested, probably good to make an excuse not to go.

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A Taste of Harmony

I would be taking such comments entirely literally unless indicated otherwise. To assume makes an ass out of u and me

However, that also includes the fact that I don't like coffee, so no matter who asked me such a thing, my response would be no :<

My response would be "do they have good hot cocoa there?" ;)

My response would be "I like orange juice! " :D

(Almost allergic to coffee and somewhat lactose intolerant.. I probably won't be able to sit through the conversation :redface: )

Yep, I'm actually more worried about after drinking coffee and might be end up in hospital bed.. @-@

And personally it would be extremely rare for me to interpret those things as romantic intention whether it is drink/coffee/meal/movies.

I want to simply enjoy drink/coffee/meal/movies. It kind of makes me upset that it is not the reality.

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ethereal_energy

I would normally assume it's romantic. It depends on your relationship with the person though. If you are already friends then the line is more blurry. If I was friends with the person then maybe dinner could be considered romantic? But if I was close to the person then it would really have to be explicitly stated as a date.

I was invited out "for drinks" at a bar a couple months ago, and I thought it could have been a date. Turns out he meant with a big group of people, and didn't tell me that. In my opinion, inviting someone you hardly know out for a drink is an invitation for a date.

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How I kill dates:

there early, order and pay for you own. During the conversation you throw in phrases like - not interested in a relationship, what a great friend (s)he would be, how you like doing this with friends, how nice it is to make new friends. Most guys have been friend-zoned at some point, if not repeatedly. Most pick up on the subtle language of friend-zoning. And then you make an excuse to cut out. "My friends are waiting for me. We're supposed to go xyz at 1:23, and I've got a 10 minute drive to get there. It's been cool hanging out.. (<--"hanging out" = not sexy, nothing more than friends and it's the final blow to "could we be more?" ) <stand up, gather your things> I'll text you later. <wave and walk away before the obligitory hug>" Tried an true method.

Do you want to get a coffee sometime is generally date territory. What I just told you is how to undermine the date switching it into a low anxiety coffee with a friend. That specific phrasing is generally used in a date reference. The only exceptions being; running into an old friend, and meet up's with people you've met online through FB, forums or dating sites. Otherwise, the wording between general co-workers and friends is "Lets get some coffee. What are you doing on Tuesday?"

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Squirrel Combat

Huh, hearing about this coffee stuff seems to be confirming that this one girl I knew who suggested the idea of going out for coffee once really might have been wandering into "intimate" territory. However, she never followed up on it.

I don't drink coffee.

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Also, this guy was DEFINITELY interested in me romantically because he kept touching my arm as if we already known each other. I only met him 2 hours ago! I don't understand why people want to touch each other all the time...

The reason he was touching you so much is because it is a way to test your interest in him. If you pull away from his touch, it is a big negative response that usually gets them to back off. IF you let him touch you, it indicates you are interested in him.

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