Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Ornithomancer

Asexual vs. Fear of Sex

Recommended Posts

Ornithomancer

Hello, I'm new here. I'm going to start off telling you what I know for a fact about myself and have known for years. I am genderqueer. I like some porn, masturbation, etc. The idea of other people having sex with each other is arousing. The idea of myself having sex with someone is disgusting.

So when I mentioned that I think I might be asexual to my mother one day she said "Wow, your previous boyfriends have damaged you."

Now, I have had maybe 3 boyfriends in my short life and each and every one of them was pushy about wanting to have sex or do sexual things with me. While I was with them, I would use my "I'm a Christian and I don't believe in sex before marriage" bit to try and get them to back off. After breaking it off with the last boyfriend I have been afraid of getting in a relationship with anyone since then because I'm afraid they're going to want to have sex as well. I'm no longer a Christian and I realize I still would've used any excuse to keep them from having sex with me. So my mom thinks I'm afraid of sex.

So how do you tell whether you're afraid of sex versus just being asexual? I tend to wonder if some of my Christian upbringing is to blame because they made sex sound like this horrible dangerous thing that destroys lives. I mean, pregnancy is most definitely something I don't want and Family Life classes made it sound like semen crawls up into your vagina while you're not looking. I know that's obviously not what happens, but the idea is still there.

On the other hand, I can picture myself in the future with a man/woman and being totally happy never having sex as long as we can cuddle, kiss and share life experiences together.

I'm not asking you to tell me if I'm asexual, but has anyone had an experience like this?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
So how do you tell whether you're afraid of sex versus just being asexual?

What's stopping someone from being both? Because I'm pretty sure I fit in both camps.

Just something to consider

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FearTheBlackout

I can kind of relate. While I'm not downright afraid of having sex, I just really dislike the idea. It seems too...interpersonal for me. But I greatly enjoy porn and masturbation. I like people having sex with each other, but I don't like the idea of ME having sex with someone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ornithomancer
So how do you tell whether you're afraid of sex versus just being asexual?

What's stopping someone from being both? Because I'm pretty sure I fit in both camps.

Just something to consider

I have considered that, but I hear stories of people who are afraid to have sex but once they have it they are all about it. But then again, I'm sitting here thinking that I could probably just use a vibrator and be better off than having some dude put a weird fleshy thing inside of me. Doubts suck sometimes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
I have considered that, but I hear stories of people who are afraid to have sex but once they have it they are all about it.

I guess it depends on what's causing the fear, but for me my fears about sex would not be assuaged by partaking in it. For the people you're talking about the fear is probably more physical, but for me the fears are more like not wanting kids or diseases, and those fears don't just go away.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Vivi

that is a incredible fuck up statement your mother said. being asexual doenst make you damage you just dont see things in a sexual way which usually makes you unintrested in sex. i dont think you have a fear you just didnt want to be push in that direction and the people your were with did not understand. i think youre scare of attracting more jerks which is understandable. your 1st two sentence describe me pretty well. i can watch gay couples and occasionally straight but the idea of me humping someone is really really tirisome . i tell people all the time a attract male could strip infront and offer, we could have a deep emotional connection but i would just be like "um can we do something else"? you want to know how you can tell. find someone who actually loves you then push yourself to have sex with them and you may not want to not because you fear them but youre not interested because you can only make a clear desicion when you dont feel smother by someone else desires

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
abacct

I wonder about this all the time. I guess you could say I'm afraid of having sex, but at the same time that isn't why I'm asexual. One day I looked at somebody and thought, "Wow, they're pretty hot" but felt nothing else. I thought it in the most monotone voice and I realized that I didn't want to touch them or date them or sleep with them and that's really when I realized I was asexual.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
penguin_illusion

I agree with Philip that it could be a combination of both. Your first couple of relationships that you described could easily attribute to your asexuality, but it seems you were also uninterested in having sex when you were in the relationships. The fact you were using excuses to hide that you simply didn't want to have sex shows that you may have had asexual tendencies to begin with- even before any of your relationships went sour.
However you might have to think about why you were declining to have sex with your partners at the time. Was it because you didn't feel close to them? Was it because you didn't feel comfortable? Was it because you felt legitimately threatened or that they wanted to harm you?

And I think you have a point about having an upbringing that tainted the idea of sex. While I didn't have a Christian upbringing in my house, I was raised in part of the bible belt of America. Sometimes areas of Christianity do pressure kids not to have sex by implying all these horrible things happening to you not only with your time on Earth, but also into the afterlife and of course all of that can seriously affect how someone thinks about sex. However, even without religion, I would argue that women are raised to be afraid of sex. I mean, we constantly hear stories on the news of women being raped, abused, or abducted. We're constantly told that we need to be careful of who we hang out with, where we're hanging out, we need to make sure no one drugs our drink and be careful of what we wear- and Heaven forbid we take a stroll anywhere alone at night. Some girls brush all this aside, or ultimately their sex drive is more powerful then the horrific stories. Other girls hear all this and can't look past it. So when sex is brought up sometimes these awful associations come to mind- which obviously dampers the mood.

Regardless, I believe you need to want to have sex with your partner. You should feel turned on and excited about sex when you're about to have it. Quite a few people have sex just to satisfy their partner and even then there's a happiness in making your partner happy. Don't do it just to do it though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Zash

To answer the question of how do you tell if you are an asexual vs afraid of sex, it is fairly straight forward... Have you ever thought anyone was sexy, as in, you are sexually attracted to them? You can be sexual and afraid of sex, in theory (I have never met a real example the best one I can draw from is from fiction). The example of this would be a character from a comic strip called Questionable Content, and one of the characters, Hannalore, is a germaphobe, and doesn't want to have sex because she is afraid of the icky fluids and sweat and such involved. She is still sexual, because she is still attracted to people, but, celibate, because she is afraid.

In my case, I am not really scared of sex, it just turns my stomach if I try to even think of me involved in any sexual activity. A disgust response is similar to a fear response, so, I can sorta see where you are coming from.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Purnkin Spurce

What the difference is, is were you sexually attracted to these men or anyone ever at all? And you can be both. I know I am. Mostly because I am self-conscious or my body. That's not the only thing stopping me though. I don't desire nor care for sex. I am curious about it, thought about doing it for the hell of it. But then all I mentioned comes to mind. Why not both. Both is not bad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone

I would say fear of sex is something other than the act itself, like germs or thinking it will hurt. At least that's how I see it. I don't have a fear of sex but I have a fear of sexual abuse, rape or assault. If I had sex in the right context that would be much better of course but I still don't desire/need it. Also I feel if you are abstaining from sex, for whatever reason, than you aren't Asexual. Just my opinion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ornithomancer

I agree with Philip that it could be a combination of both. Your first couple of relationships that you described could easily attribute to your asexuality, but it seems you were also uninterested in having sex when you were in the relationships. The fact you were using excuses to hide that you simply didn't want to have sex shows that you may have had asexual tendencies to begin with- even before any of your relationships went sour.

However you might have to think about why you were declining to have sex with your partners at the time. Was it because you didn't feel close to them? Was it because you didn't feel comfortable? Was it because you felt legitimately threatened or that they wanted to harm you?

And I think you have a point about having an upbringing that tainted the idea of sex. While I didn't have a Christian upbringing in my house, I was raised in part of the bible belt of America. Sometimes areas of Christianity do pressure kids not to have sex by implying all these horrible things happening to you not only with your time on Earth, but also into the afterlife and of course all of that can seriously affect how someone thinks about sex. However, even without religion, I would argue that women are raised to be afraid of sex. I mean, we constantly hear stories on the news of women being raped, abused, or abducted. We're constantly told that we need to be careful of who we hang out with, where we're hanging out, we need to make sure no one drugs our drink and be careful of what we wear- and Heaven forbid we take a stroll anywhere alone at night. Some girls brush all this aside, or ultimately their sex drive is more powerful then the horrific stories. Other girls hear all this and can't look past it. So when sex is brought up sometimes these awful associations come to mind- which obviously dampers the mood.

Regardless, I believe you need to want to have sex with your partner. You should feel turned on and excited about sex when you're about to have it. Quite a few people have sex just to satisfy their partner and even then there's a happiness in making your partner happy. Don't do it just to do it though.

I wasn't afraid of them harming me, it was just terribly uncomfortable. I would just want to hang out, cuddle, play video games and they would start sticking their hands where they don't belong and get upset when I turned them down. I often did talk to some of them about having children in the future, but the idea to me was more of a "I'll put up with sex to have a kid" rather than "We'll be sexually active on a regular basis and maybe get a kid from it."

What the difference is, is were you sexually attracted to these men or anyone ever at all? And you can be both. I know I am. Mostly because I am self-conscious or my body. That's not the only thing stopping me though. I don't desire nor care for sex. I am curious about it, thought about doing it for the hell of it. But then all I mentioned comes to mind. Why not both. Both is not bad.

I was attracted to at least one of them sexually. The one time I took my clothes off in front of one of them freaked me out though. The boyfriend I had after that would claim that my ex had scarred me or something. He tried to be understanding and resist but I suppose there's only so much he could take before his libido started to overload. Once that happened, I would purposely avoid him thinking that if we got together he would want to do something. He also liked to just be able to look into my eyes which, although it had nothing to do with sex, kinda made me feel super awkward and uncomfortable too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ornithomancer

I would say fear of sex is something other than the act itself, like germs or thinking it will hurt. At least that's how I see it. I don't have a fear of sex but I have a fear of sexual abuse, rape or assault. If I had sex in the right context that would be much better of course but I still don't desire/need it. Also I feel if you are abstaining from sex, for whatever reason, than you aren't Asexual. Just my opinion.

Well, I know I'm afraid of pregnancy and abuse/rape/assault. I don't know how much of that is upbringing and the media getting to me but since it is a real danger I don't feel like it's irrational to be afraid of those things. Also, even though I used the "I'm a Christian" line, I was well on my way out so like I said, it was more of an excuse. I think that if I ever did have sex, I would want it to be someone I'm really, really close to and who wouldn't pressure me into it. In that context I suppose I would be open to it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Janus DarkFox
A lot of sexual fear is the fear of the unknown, fear of infection and the fear of vulnerability. This is present in all orientations to some extent. Being in fear does not mean the lack of sexual attractions but more the lack of letting go of inhibitions. A person can still want sex, have sexual attractions and be in fear for whatever reason. I'm an individual who does certainty not fear sex, but just lack the real want or drive for it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
genevieve~

I can picture myself in the future with a man/woman and being totally happy never having sex as long as we can cuddle, kiss and share life experiences together.

I totally feel the same way on that. ^_^

I didn't have a Christian upbringing, but I have to admit sometimes I wish I did ... only for the excuse it would have given me in dating. Back in high school & college, I had romantic crushes and dated guys, but any sexual activity I engaged in was out of this sense of "this is the sexual behavior required" or "this is what you are supposed to do in relationships" or "just go with the flow of what he's doing." It was never that I felt a drive/desire for the activity itself.

Not to make a political statement or anything, but in our very sexual society, I almost feel like the prevelance (and fairly high effectiveness of) various forms of birth controls means "OK, now you have no good excuse NOT to have sex. Before birth control and condoms were common, sure, you could claim pregnancy and disease as valid reasons to not have sex, but now the only excuse accepted is if you're religious."

Now that I'm older (late 20s), I have this self-awareness and understanding of why I did what I did in relationships, but at the same time I'm terrified of dating anyone--since:

(1) essentially everyone I meet is sexual,

(2) sex is a required part of a relationship by all sexual people's standards, and

(3) I have no desire to have sex and therefore have NO desire to take on even a small risk of STDs/pregnancy.

I haven't dated or even kissed anyone in years. (And perhaps not coincidentally, the most recent guy I was romantically attracted to (3-4 years ago) happened to be a devoutly religious virgin. Might be some subconscious stuff going on there ... :unsure: )

Anyway, I think it's fair to be afraid of sex: at the least, it's an act that can create a baby (wanted or not, even if you use protection).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Flowers and Ghosts

I think I can relate to this. Especially the arousal part. I'm not sure why, but I do think it has to do with fear and like others have mentioned, I don't think they're both exclusive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone

I would say fear of sex is something other than the act itself, like germs or thinking it will hurt. At least that's how I see it. I don't have a fear of sex but I have a fear of sexual abuse, rape or assault. If I had sex in the right context that would be much better of course but I still don't desire/need it. Also I feel if you are abstaining from sex, for whatever reason, than you aren't Asexual. Just my opinion.

Well, I know I'm afraid of pregnancy and abuse/rape/assault. I don't know how much of that is upbringing and the media getting to me but since it is a real danger I don't feel like it's irrational to be afraid of those things. Also, even though I used the "I'm a Christian" line, I was well on my way out so like I said, it was more of an excuse. I think that if I ever did have sex, I would want it to be someone I'm really, really close to and who wouldn't pressure me into it. In that context I suppose I would be open to it.

I agree. I think they are rational fears to have, especially since the media talks about this stuff all the time. And same with having sex with someone I'm really close to who is patient and trustworthy, otherwise forget it. I'd be perfectly fine never having sex again if I can't find what I'm looking for.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
melilith

Not everybody "who is afraid of sex" is asexual but every asexual is afraid of sex, I guess.

I'm afraid of spiders because I find them disgusting. They are not harmlesss (talking about the harmless ones here). It is the same for sex: I'm afraid of sex because I find touching fleshes disgusting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tuvok

Not everybody "who is afraid of sex" is asexual but every asexual is afraid of sex, I guess.

I'm afraid of spiders because I find them disgusting. They are not harmlesss (talking about the harmless ones here). It is the same for sex: I'm afraid of sex because I find touching fleshes disgusting.

I would not say that every asexual is afraid of sex.

My relationship to sex is more like indifference than a fear.

I might never meet someone who I feel attracted to but that has nothing to do with fear.

It can be connected but I don't think it has to be.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
melilith

Not everybody "who is afraid of sex" is asexual but every asexual is afraid of sex, I guess.

I'm afraid of spiders because I find them disgusting. They are not harmlesss (talking about the harmless ones here). It is the same for sex: I'm afraid of sex because I find touching fleshes disgusting.

I would not say that every asexual is afraid of sex.

My relationship to sex is more like indifference than a fear.

I might never meet someone who I feel attracted to but that has nothing to do with fear.

It can be connected but I don't think it has to be.

I see, you are right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MermaidRomani

I know a lot of aces are both. Some don't fear sex, they're repulsed by it. Others just find it gross. There's a lot of different views on it within the ace community.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nasher21

I would say both apply to me - whilst generally indifferent to sex in general, the thought of me actually partaking unnerves me a lot, so I have no interest in doing so. It's not like I want to, but am to afraid to try - there is a genuine lack of sexual feeling/attraction, hence I identify as Ace. So yeah, I think both can apply!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Celestine

I mean, pregnancy is most definitely something I don't want and Family Life classes made it sound like semen crawls up into your vagina while you're not looking.

*snicker* They DO make it sound like that, don't they? XD

I agree that you can be both sex-repulsed and asexual, as many people here are. :-) If you're looking for an exact "What's the difference?" then I'd say it's this: Does your "fear of sex" cause you distress and/or hurt your emotional wellbeing? Are you interested in seeking out counseling/therapy in order to move past your bad experiences with ex-boyfriends and begin establishing "normal" (whatever that means) sexual relationships with other people?

.....ooooor, do you have no interest in sex, no interest in BEING interested in sex, and feel that your life is perfectly happy and emotionally fulfilled without it? If yes, then I'd say not to worry about it and feel free to ID as asexual if that best describes your feelings and experiences. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
azuresky

I consider myself a member of both groups- ace and afraid of sex. Several traumatizing incidents have left me with a really messed up view of sex, as well as severe trust issues with men. Believe me, I've got good reason to be scared. Anyhow, it is certainly not uncommon for asexuals to be sex-repulsed. But being repulsed is not synonymous with being afraid. That said, you can certainly be an asexual with a fear of sex. The only distinction I would make between the two is that asexuality is innate, while a fear of sex is developed through life experiences.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
words are futile devices

So how do you tell whether you're afraid of sex versus just being asexual?

What's stopping someone from being both? Because I'm pretty sure I fit in both camps.

Just something to consider

I feel the same way. You can definitely be both asexual and afraid of sex. I don't have any desire for sex. I have seemingly no instinct or curiosity or hunger for it, so the thought of trying to engage in it (and being utterly clueless about what I'm supposed to be doing/feeling) is terrifying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rising Sun

Not everybody "who is afraid of sex" is asexual but every asexual is afraid of sex, I guess.

I'm afraid of spiders because I find them disgusting. They are not harmlesss (talking about the harmless ones here). It is the same for sex: I'm afraid of sex because I find touching fleshes disgusting.

If all asexuals were afraid of sex, asexuality would be a type of erotophobia, and a mental disorder then. But the definition of asexuality doesn't imply any fear, disgust or negative feelings in general.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
andrewharlan

He tried to be understanding and resist but I suppose there's only so much he could take before his libido started to overload.

I can think of two (OK, three) times in my life when my libido (I'm in my mid thirties) drove my actions. When I started to realize that for most others it's a lot more often than that I also started to realize that my drive is so low that I might as well be asexual. I just find it odd that a person's sex drive can make them do things they wouldn't normally do.

He also liked to just be able to look into my eyes which, although it had nothing to do with sex, kinda made me feel super awkward and uncomfortable too.

I recently broke up with a woman. But that part, being able to look into each others' eyes, was kinda nice. I don't think I've ever had that before.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Smudge1985

Im still not 100% sure if Im asexual, or Im just scared of sex, its something I just cant be sure of just now. I thought for years there was something wrong with me, then I thought it was fear because the thought of getting into sexy times with someone else, even if I loved them caused some pretty severe anxiety in me (which is unusual for me, because Im usually such a laid back person and dont let things worry me), and then I thought I was asexual,.and the bit that was causing the anxiety was that I was scared of getting too close to someone, then finding my lack of sexual attraction would come between us and I would have my heart broken, so I completely avoided relationships altogether to protect myself.

Im still not sure though. I went round to a friend's last week. He asked me out on a date about 6 weeks ago, I agreed, just because I know there is something about him I like, but I was not sure exactly how. I ended up cancelling, and he accepted that we probably wouldnt work as a couple, just because we work completely different shifts to each other and live 70 miles apart, so in practical terms, it would be very difficult to form a relationship, but we could still be friends and hang out when we get the chance. So he invited me around to his last week for an X Files all nighter. I was nervous as hell for like 2 weeks before I was due to go, and when I went I had a lovely time, really good night, good company, and strictly platonic. he's a nice guy, an absolute gent, and has made nothing of me rejecting him in the first place. But...and this is why Im still not 100% sure if Im ace or just scared...I thought about him a lot all the week leading up to it, thought about kissing him etc...and the second I left his house, I had a bursting urge to get home and into bed as quickly as I could to 'relieve the pressure' so to speak. And yet the whole time I was there in his company, not one thought like that even entered my head, but I was still very conscious of what I said, and my actions, and any touching, as I always have been, because just as when I thought it was a fear of sex holding me back...Ive always been very careful in my actions around people Im attracted to, or may be attracted to me, because I dont want to give them any wrong idea. And thats exactly how I was when I was with him that night...yet either side when he wasnt in front of me, all I could think about was basically sex.

Im still not sure, and Im still trying to figure it out. What makes this even more confusing is that Im not a sex-repulsed ace, I masturbate, Im actually pretty liberal minded about it, it doesnt bother me watching i on TV or whatever, doesnt bother me when my friends talk about it even in the most graphic detail...but the thought of myself doing it when presented with the opportunity...it feels wrong. Which is made all the more confusing by how I feel when it isnt presented to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...