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I am wondering if my husband is Asexual...


Homesick528

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I have been married to my husband for 18 yrs, been together for 23 yrs. We had a "normal" meaning active sex life for many years, including prior to marriage. One thing that is unusual about my husband is that he had no romantic relationships until me, and he was 25 when we got together. Well, we had some issues in our marriage including infertility, and we were at odds about adopting, did not end up adopting (his choice) after going through counseling. I am now starting to wonder if this affected our sex life, I am just at a loss. Because around this time he started having physical issues that prevented us from having sex. Doctors threw pills at him and that helped for a while, until even with the pills he had problems. Within the last 8 years, it was rare and pretty much doing other things besides intercourse, until about 2 years ago he told me he had no interest in sex at all. Even though things weren't going too great, this really shocked me as he does not want to do anything whatsoever. However, he says he loves me and I believe him. He says he is not attracted to any other woman or men (his brother is gay), but just has absolutely no sex drive. Does this sound like Asexuality or something else? I am now 50, but my sex drive has not disappeared. Any advice or words of wisdom appreciated. I also hope I did not say anything offensive, as this is not at all my intention.

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Welcome to AVEN, Homesick. :) :cake:

It sounds a lot like your husband is asexual. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to any gender, but we can have romantic relationships and many asexuals engage in sexual activity with their partners. But, nobody has a right to label him except himself. So I would suggest asking him whether he thinks he fits into this description.

A really valuable piece of advice I've seen often in this section (though it sounds like you two already know it) is to communicate with your partner well. What things do you want sexually as opposed to what he wants? Is there a happy medium between the two? What could you do so that both needs are met? This kind of conversation seems to help with relationship quality.

I hope this helps. :)

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Always remember, sexual ATTRACTION happens between the ears, and sexual AROUSAL, happens between the legs. A lack of interest in sex could be due to low libido or other things. Often in men it's due to a confidence problem, or some mental block that is preventing them, which isn't always a sure sign of asexuality, from my experiences.

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Asexuality typically involves never having been sexually attracted to anyone. So, IF your husband was sexually attracted to you and had a desire/urge for sex with you during the period when you say he and you had a "normal" sex life, then my guess is that he's probably not Asexual. But ultimately, whether he's Asexual or not is something only he himself can tell you.

You mention being age 50; I'm assuming he's at least that age as well. It's not uncommon for a Sexual man's libido/need for sex to constantly decline after age 40, for one or a combination of reasons (among them, chronic medical conditions, penile circulatory problems which impair his ability to become and/or remain erect, general physical-unfitness and overweight, side effects of medications, declining free testosterone levels, psychological issues such as depression or feelings of inadequacy or low esteem, and severe life stressors). If a man wants to regain libido that has declined due to these reasons, he often can, at least to a significant degree.

Although discussing it with him might be awkward and even painful for each of you, you're going to have to communicate further with him about this all, until you effectively understand what each other is thinking, feeling, and experiencing. From understanding each other, you can move on to finding possible ways to address your sexual disparity.

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I find this all very confusing. Especially this response. There seem to be many different definitions of Asexuality floating around. I have read that it means you have no sex drive whatsoever. I have read it means you're not attracted to either sex. I have read that you can be sexually active and then not have interest. It's confusing, I don't know what to think. In our case, my husband is 48, this started when he was about 40. Doctors have found nothing physically wrong with him, including getting his testosterone tested, which is normal. I have asked him if he's no longer attracted to me, he says that's not what it is. Although I admit I take it personally sometimes. He says he's not interested in sex or anyone else. The fact that he never had a relationship (or dating) until I came along when he was 25, makes me wonder if there is some asexuality there.

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It's totally understandable for you to wonder about asexuality based on some of the things you've said. I highly recommend that you and your husband take a look at the FAQs I have linked in my signature. They explain more deeply the concept by answering common questions. Looking at that section of AVEN may start a conversation between you and your husband, or it may not. It may be something he will want to think about, or he may feel that it does not fit him and his feelings...only he can say.

The basic definition of asexuality on AVEN is lack of sexual attraction (which generally includes a desire for sexual contact with the person one is attracted to). Different people, and different books or Internet resources may have variations on that definition, but that's the gist of it.

Regardless of whether he identifies as asexual, some of the things you describe are certainly similar to experiences other sexual people have when in a romantic relationship with an asexual person. Based on that, you can probably relate to people in this particular forum and read other threads to see how people deal with frustration or other issues that strike you as being something you might also feel.

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Thank you. I will keep looking for the FAQ's, I am having trouble finding this for some reason.

Oh here... >>click<< and you will be at the Overview. There is also a General FAQ, Friends and Family FAQ, Relationship FAQ, and then the Asexual Perspectives all right there for you to review. It happens to be on the Front Page under the heading About Asexuality so maybe that's why you weren't finding it (it's not actually in the Forums).

I hope they help answer more questions! :)

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Trading attention to each other's bodies in other ways can be rewarding- massages, baths. This is kinda blunt (mods feel free to remove it) but have you experimented with vibrators? If one person wants sex and the other one wants touch intimacy it's possible for each to be satisfied in his/her own way.

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