I want a partial divorce!

[Philip027]

Asexuality confuses me to be honest, which is why I'm here. Who do asexuals seek out members of the opposite sex for instance? See, it's difficult for me to separate the male/female intimate dynamic from the relationship. Could they not find what they want just as easily in a same sexed partner?

Speaking for myself...

I've always gotten along better with the opposite sex, to the point where most of my closest friends are female.

I've actually been mostly repulsed by male behavior starting from around high-school age... it's usually overtly macho, piggish, sexual... and I can't identify well with those traits, at all.

Combine all that with the fact I'm demiromantic... and yeah.

Technically, the person's sex won't matter to me if we're already established friends. I'm just much more likely to seek out female friendship because I feel like I can relate to the female sex a lot better.

[pnnn]

Intellectually, it's almost as bad. I can't have a deep conversation with her about anything that is important to me -- either my worldview makes her feel threatened or the details bore her to death.

Just read an article by Serena Wang, that is worth sharing

Misunderstanding leads to breakups

About one in two marriages ends in a divorce these days. We are all too familiar with the various problems that can lead to a breakup. Arguments can begin at sunrise and not stop until after sunset. This kind of fragile relationship is like a time bomb ready to explode at any time.

Some couples may keep it inside to avoid the confrontation, but that doesn’t make the relationship any healthier.

Arguments are part of every marriage

Couples often fail to compromise simply due to selfishness. Each side asks the other to change. Differences in opinion frequently lead to quarrels. These “minor issues” are just part of your marriage. More serious problems arise from heated discussions that turned into intense arguments. The fact is that no two people are alike. You may have different backgrounds, perspectives, personalities, and professions.

How can you affair-proof your marriage?

you’ll still have your share of disagreements and arguments, but you need to handle them with wisdom. You have to realize it is not easy to mix well together for a lifetime. You’ll need plenty of love, faith and patience to start.

This way, your marriage won’t dry up and become routine. Communication is critical for a healthy marriage. Some people describe the ideal marriage as a two-way street. If you don’t have any arguments, or one side is always directing the traffic, you are riding on a one-way street without any communication. That’s not something to cheer about.

Establish a healthy communication technique

Maybe people have different views about the true meaning of the word “argument”. The husband and wife are two distinct bodies. Arguments are just part of life. What is important is how you handle those arguments. You’ll need to communicate with some skill.

Men and women are different, so oftentimes they “talk” but fail to “communicate”. That will just make matters worse. Couples need to find an effective method of communication. Communication is often the major player in holding a marriage together. Unfortunately, many couples lack this skill and desperately need to work on it.

Couples must learn to understand each other better and recognize and accept each others’ point of view. When you love but don’t fully appreciate each other you’ll be destined to have a rocky journey ahead. When couples are willing to talk about everything and step into each other’s shoes to look at problems, then that will be the starting point of an ideal marriage.

Experts believe communication can be divided into five levels:

1.Level of acquaintance

2.Sharing of information

3.Sharing of ideas

4.Sharing of emotions

5.Gut level sharing

Wives often want a husband who can just sit down and listen, someone who can completely appreciate her emotions and views (Level 5). Husbands typically want to reason, maybe even give a lecture (Level 3). In this kind of situation, the wives may sometimes feel that they are talking to a wall. Eventually, the wives may stop sharing many of their feelings and thoughts. Thus, it becomes necessary for couples to learn how to communicate effectively.

In addition, couples need to love and accept each other, learn to listen, and listen with undivided attention. Be proactive, objective, and pay attention for any signs your lover may give. Learn how to talk and praise your lover frequently. Don’t forget to use some humor at times. And most importantly, say everything to your lover with the love that comes straight from your heart.

Find out the cause of the confrontation and work it out

If you notice that confrontations are becoming more frequent, don’t underestimate the severity of it. Try to focus and find out the root of the problem. Resolve the differences in a timely manner and apologize to each other. Don’t delay. Whenever couples have confrontations, it is best to solve it as soon as possible.

Handling confrontations is an art like dance. Here are some steps you can take to master the dance of communication:

1. Never use the silent treatment.

2. Never use lies to cover up short comings.

3. Don’t get in-laws or friends involved right away.

4. Don’t be subjective in making any conclusions.

5. Never jump into conclusions, communicate and talk it over.

6. Discuss what actually happened, don’t judge.

7. Find out all the facts rather than start guessing at the motives.

8. Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.

9. Use future and present tense talking, not past tense.

10. Concentrate on the major problem, don’t divide attention by mixing in other minor problems.

11. First take care of the problems that hurt feelings in the relationship, then take care the problems arising from just differences in opinions.

12. Use “I feel” statements, don’t use “you are” statements.

Marriage is a lifelong journey.Be willing to make sacrifices for each other and keep an intimate relationship going. Let marriage regain the spark that once lit up your romantic world.

[Purnkin Spurce]

Maybe if you talk to her about this she would be open to and open open marriage. Ya know? You could both live together, be friends and do what you do best together but be able to go seek meaningful conversations and sexual or in her case (non sexual) activities elsewhere. I don't see anything wrong with that and if it makes you both happy, don't worry about what others think. Do what's best for you.

[joesantus]

Intellectually, it's almost as bad. I can't have a deep conversation with her about anything that is important to me -- either my worldview makes her feel threatened or the details bore her to death.

Just read an article by Serena Wang, that is worth sharing

Misunderstanding leads to breakups....

Arguments are part of every marriage....

How can you affair-proof your marriage....?

Establish a healthy communication technique....

Find out the cause of the confrontation and work it out....

Handling confrontations is an art like dance. Here are some steps you can take to master the dance of communication:

Marriage is a lifelong journey.Be willing to make sacrifices for each other and keep an intimate relationship going. Let marriage regain the spark that once lit up your romantic world.

As someone married over 33 years, I generally agree with all of Ms Wang's points. Those less experienced in relationships will discover that the success of their long-term relationships depends on grasping and implementing those realities and approaches.

I think that Agonizer wasn't dealing with what those points address, however. Agonizer's challenge isn't how to handle misunderstandings, communication, or confrontations, but, it's how to handle an incompatibility regarding what is apparently one of his important needs.

Unfortunately in some relationships, there are problems that even optimal, persistent communication and efforts can't resolve. At such relational crossroads, each partner has to decide for him/herself whether the pain caused by the issue -- in Agonizer's case, personality incompatibility between him and his wife that makes his need to have philosophical discussions unfulfillable -- is tolerable enough that they can find a way to live with it in order to continue in the relationship.

[Sally]

Joesantus is right -- communication is just communication. It doesn't automatically make a situation better or more tolerable, and it doesn't diminish major differences in what two humans need in a relationshi.

[songchick]

Wow, no offense but your marriage sounds really boring. I personally am an intellectual animal. I cannot possibly enjoy spending time with someone who does not stimulate my intellect. Being with a woman who can only make you happy with small talk and cuddling sounds like you're married to a pretty dim girl. Maybe I sound mean. Then again I myself can't manage to stay in a relationship!

It seems like your marriage is more of a contract than a relationship. Feel free to disagree.

[pnnn]

Wow, no offense but your marriage sounds really boring. I personally am an intellectual animal. I cannot possibly enjoy spending time with someone who does not stimulate my intellect. Being with a woman who can only make you happy with small talk and cuddling sounds like you're married to a pretty dim girl.

We don't even know his wife, so lets not judge her.I don't think it's right to give someone advice, by only hearing one side of the story.

[Stickstome2]

I don't think anybody was judging her, but just bringing up points that we sometimes tend to forget when in relationships .

[Pandante]

The situation with my asexual wife is similar to that of yours. She doesn't like deep discussions or debates either. Any exchange that is more than three sentences each way, starts irritating her, and she changes topic or just walks away. She's very quiet, and fairly reclusive. She is just happy that i'm nearby. And i'm happy that she's nearby. And because we have no discussions (and no sex) it's very peaceful at home, which is a positive way of looking at it. We just do other things together which don't involve much talking, like going for walks, or watching movies.

I got used to it and look for intellectual exchange elsewhere. I don't feel that it has to be with a woman, or in particular someone i'm attracted to. Does it for you?

And conversely when i'm having deep discussions with someone, i don't at the same time start feeling attracted to them in a romantic or sexual way. In fact such feelings are suppressed by my mind, which is concentrating on the discussion. Is it not like that for you?

[Sally]

I don't think anybody was judging her, but just bringing up points that we sometimes tend to forget when in relationships .

Making derogatory comments about someone's partner and marriage sounds like judging to me ("pretty dim girl" "boring marriage").