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Can you desire romance but never feel romantically attracted to anyone?


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Can you have a great desire for a romantic relationship - want someone to go through your life with, to love, to have a family with, to live with, to have an exclusive bond with - and yet go through life without ever meeting a person for whom you have the romantic feelings necessary for such a relationship?

I get feeling asexual. That's pretty clear-cut for me. I don't desire sex - in fact I actively dislike it, and when I tried it it was as unenjoyable and disturbing as I expected it to be. And I've never felt sexually attracted to another person.

But romantically - I really would like romance. I'd like a husband for life. But I don't think I've ever met a man I've fallen in love with. I've come close, but never felt anything that would qualitatively distinguish my feelings for someone from the many close friendships I've had. I've had many friends I've loved and have met many people I would have loved to have been friends with had the feeling been reciprocated, but those feelings have never included the desire for exclusivity, the desire to start a family, etc. that I instinctively feel should be there for the kind of romantic relationship I want.

So can you have a romantic orientation but never come across someone to whom you feel romantic attraction? (Or have you had a parallel situation with sexual orientation - feeling abstract desire for a sexual relationship but never feeling sexually attracted to anyone you know?)

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Well, there is lithromantic, where one can like the idea of romance but not when it involves oneself. For example, I like romance, I love it when it happens to my friends, I think that I might like a romantic relationship, but when it actually happens I don't feel anything. In fact, if a guy expresses romantic attraction to me I start to freak out a bit.

Or the super obvious explanation could be you just haven't found the right person yet, but I really hate saying that around here ;)

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I tend to see it argued that someone can have a generalized desire for romance without necessarily being attracted to someone. This is something I've observed in romantics, and I feel that it's very possible for aromantics to experience the same thing. I can't really tell if I've experienced it or not because a lot of my willingness to enter romantic relationships in the past was based on the assumption that I was straight by default, and I stopped desiring romance altogether when I realized that there was nothing I wanted from a romantic relationship that I couldn't get from a friendship, which occurred to me about two years before I discovered my asexuality/aromanticism.

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I believe this is possible yes... I´ve always seen it around me and it just becomes something you long for yourself cause you see others being happy but well... I know for instance I don´t like romance in movies, I like romantic comedies but I really dislike romance in movies. I like that my friends have boyfriends and go "awww" when they tell me about their relationships but in my 20 years of life I have never really liked anyone, I just "liked" 4 people up to now and those were out of thinking that because they were cute and had great personalities and I loved being with them meant I liked them as something else... when I just like them as friends, I´m in the realization of not knowing what the experience of "Liking more than friends" is, I dunno how sexual attraction feels either and romance and stuff rarely crosses my mind.

I´ve thought about it, I like the idea in general but when it comes to me... eh, I´d say I´d be the guy in the relationship even though I´m a woman. That´s really so strange...

There´s a wreck inside my head right now and well, the idea of romance is cool and I thought I wanted that for myself but when I seriously imagine that happening I totally see myself not responding very well to it u.u

Odd, isn´t it? But yes, the last thing you said... Boys catch my attention but never come across anyone that makes me feel that way XD in fact, boys only catch my attention since they are cute and feel more comfortable with them... ah, strange stuff is strange XDD

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Yes. I am that way. It's separate from lithromanticism, though, because lithromanticism involves some form of romantic attraction.

Unfortunately it seems there are a lot of people believe romantic desire somehow disqualifies someone form being aromantic, and they usually believe aromanticism is based on being happy without a romantic partner, or that romantic desire is the basis of romantic attraction. This ignores the fact that even if romantic attraction is defined by targeted romantic desire, we still don't experience romantic attraction because we don't have any targets for our desire. <_<

I've gotten a bit of grief over the months for identifying as aromantic yet desiring romance, and even once was told I should identify as a romantic who doesn't experience attraction instead.

On another thread someone suggested the idea that romantic desire was similar to sexual drive and that people who desire romance could have a label similarly to how asexuals with a sexual drive are called libidoists. I believe the suggested term was "amorist" but don't quote me on that. I personally don't feel like having yet another label, but if it helps people not feel confused about themselves and maybe even stops others from misidentifying us, then I'd be for it.

Are you intending on trying to find a partner despite lacking romantic feelings for them? I imagine even if the "spark" isn't there to start the relationship, that it would still have the potential to be a happy and long-lasting romantic relationship, if a bit unorthodox.

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I would love to meet a nice girl and get together and spend time with them, maybe in the future settle down with someone and get married possibly have a kid or two, but I've never been on a date or had my first kiss yet, I know that being in a relationship and having a family would make me happy, just haven't met anyone who fills that position

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I had a great desire for 33 years to have a romantic relationship. I knew I could offer everything. Love, care, support, kindness, warmth etc. etc. but that the sexual side (even though I had no idea what the hell that side of me was about) would be very difficult. I just needed to find the right person. I gave up in my late 20's, resigned to a life of singledom. But all that has changed within the last 18 months. My belief that I could offer everything was one that I was rightly confident in. It took me a little longer than I had once expected, and a little less time to reverse the late 20's decision, but I am a very happy man :)

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Seeing as the opposite is definitely possible (as a repulsed (lith)romantic, I suffered from near constant, strong romantic attraction for years, while I had a very clear conscious desire not to be involved in romance -_-), I'd say sure, why not?

I'd probably feel tempted to just call that "not having found the right person yet", though... and I'm honestly not at all sure anymore where on the ro/aro spectrum I'd locate it on. *shrug*

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This is something I have thought about a lot recently. I like the idea of a romance, but I've never felt romantically attracted to anybody, and I'm not sure I'd even be comfortable being in a relationship. Also, I'm not sure I'd even know I was attracted to somebody, because when does liking somebody as a friend become liking them as a romantic partner?

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Yeah, I like the idea of romance, and get all mushy when a couple gets together, but it is more like a Jane Goodall and her chimps type of thing. (I am not trying to say I am better than sexuals or anything, but, it kinda feels like two different species trying to co-exist and I am trying to understand them). I try to fit in as best I can, find some of the behaviours adorable, but, have no desire to take part of them myself.

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I guess since asexual are capable of desiring sex, so might aromantics be capable of desiring romance. And can also go the other way around; romantics may not desire romance, even if they feel romantic attraction :) Same goes for sexuals, who feel sexual attraction, but do not desire sex.

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Definitely, at least for me. When I think about it too much, I get a little sad because I want the simple romance. But I also know I don't need romance to make my life complete. As long as I love what I do and enjoy life, then that should be enough c:

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I haven't had a real crush since my first crush in grade school, really. I've had a few... I guess they were fake ones? More like "This guy is cute and is cool/funny" and then I "liked" them. But really, I've only ever been romantically attracted to one person. When I was like eleven.

I really want a relationship. I want to get married and have a family. But I've never met anyone and I guess no one's interested in me either. I feel like I'm going to end up a lonely cat lady.

So yeah.

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  • 6 months later...

I always thought I would like a boyfriend, but when the "moment" actually comes, I realize I don't. I don't think I have ever liked anyone really in all my 18 years of life. I liked maybe 2 guys when it was in elementary school, but I think I just thought they were the cutest boys in my class.

The closest I've gotten to liking someone romantically was recently and it was like an "almost-crush". I kind of wish I could like the guys who like me back, but I just can't. I want to be friend with them but when it comes down to it, I just don't like them that way.

And if I went out with someone, I'd probably have to break up with them after a little but because I wouldn't like them the same way and it wouldn't be fair. I feel like it would be complicated because of my asexuality as well. So I would like a boyfriend if I could reciprocate the feelings but... Idk why I never have romantic attractions.

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Certified Cake Decorator

I am so glad that imm not the only one that feels like this!

I always wanted to be in a great relationship with lots of cuddling and snuggling and sleeping (literal, because sleeping alone can be cold).

But as soon as i actually get into a relationship i hate it. Cant stand it one bit. I dont even know what i dont like, it just doesnt feel right.

So sad, because i loooove cuddling, but cant get close enough to people to cuddle.

You can use whatever label you want. Remember labels help people understand you, not help you understand yourself. Make them fit to you, not the other way around and no one will have any problem. (No one that is a good person)

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  • 1 month later...

I am honestly so happy to read this feed! Basically I have desired romance and I think the idea of being in a relationship is great, but thinking about me being in a relationship is not so great, and sometimes it just feels horrible and not right when I think about me being with someone.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and whether I am just weird, I think back to the guys that I have 'liked' and I realise that I was just 'liking' them because that is what teenage girls do, I haven't genuinely felt any feelings for any person.

I don't know whether I am aromantic or not but reading all of these posts makes me realise that it is not the weirdest thing and that it might actually have a label that makes it not so unique. At least I have other people that know how frustrating and confusing it all is :)

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I had a thread going where I was questioning where I fit in the sexual/asexual spectrum. It was confusing for me because I feel like I could be all romantic and sexual if I was in the right relationship, despite the fact I have never experienced this. I thought maybe I was demisexual. But that's not really something I can know unless I do feel sexual attraction for a specific person, and I haven't. I also haven't really felt romantic attraction. My perception of a romantic relationship was having a friend that you do romantic stuff with. I never realized that there was a feeling that goes with this.

With my current daily life and attractions, it would make sense that I'm an aromantic asexual. But...I want a relationship someday. I want that emotional intimacy and passion that goes with having a romantic/sexual relationship. I just have never met anyone I would want any of that with. Am I aromantic even if I want a romantic relationship? If I am aromantic, could I have a romantic relationship and get anything out of it? I have no idea. This is all very frustrating.

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DarkDragonn

That is more or less how I feel. I want the intimacy and closeness of a romantic relationship, but I've never felt that sort of attraction to anyone. When I think about it more deeply, I think I'd be happiest in a queerplatonic relationship, but there are so few people interested in those the chances are small.

I'd say romantic desire has little to do with attraction. In the society we live in, romance is presented as the most desirable thing, do it makes sense we'd want it too. Aromanticism isn't necessarily being happy without romance, it's not feeling romantic attraction to anyone.

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AshenPhoenix

This topic is being closed due to the amount of time that has passed since it's last active conversation. Please do not revive threads that have been inactive for too long. If you wish to discuss this topic further, feel free to create a new thread about it



​AshenPhoenix, Romantic and Aromantic orientations Moderator


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