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Is my girlfriend asexual?


petesahut

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Hello.. I don't know who to talk about this, I found this forum in google so I hope you can help me.


I'm having some kind of confusion with my girlfriend, so I want to know what do you guys think:

->She's a quite pretty and smart girl, but somewhat insecure because she had some childhood issues with her family.

->Despite her being pretty she had only one boyfriend before me, and that one was because she had social pressure as people in highschool were telling her that she was lesbian because she never had a boyfriend.

->She told me that she is never phisically attracted to anyone, only famous people (Johnny Depp, Leo Dicaprio, some K-Pop guys.. but because they're "pretty" as in aesthetic)

->For me to get to be her boyfriend was very troublesome, I asked her out for like a year. And there were moments in that time that she said yes, but then repented before we saw each other again.

->She told me that when she finally said yes (the real one), she was quite unsure if she had to say yes or no.

->I found out that with her previous boyfriend she kissed a lot but only because he wanted, so in a way he forced her to kiss for long time and she never wanted to kiss him (not even once)

->She told me that she didn't like kissing, so when I started as her boyfriend I gave her some space but one day I kissed her and then apologized but she said that it was okay, so I started kissing her normally and sometimes she gives me kisses

->We started having sex, she was very nervious and insecure at first but then it became somewhat normal

->One day she cried when we were having sex and said "stop..", it was very weird.. I felt like a rapist because she cried a lot.. when we talked about it she said that she didn't knew why it happened. Some days later she said that she didn't liked to recive oral sex and that was the reason (note: before she did enjoy oral sex, the only thing that she didn't liked about it was that for her my "mouth gets dirty so she can't kiss me")

->Later I found out that she only has sex with me because she want's to please me

->Later I found out that we only kiss also because she wan'ts to please me

->She likes to hold hands, but she doesn't like phisical contact that goes beyond that. Sometimes we can hug for like 5 seconds and that's it. When we kissed she only kissed for a second or so and then she pushes me.


I'm starting to think she may be asexual

What do you guys think?

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I think you should show her this forum (and the AVEN wiki) and ask her what she thinks. Only she knows how she feels and whether she is/isn't asexual.

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Hm, based on what you said she might be. Talk to her about the concept of asexuality and she can probably tell you how she feels about it, and if she would consider herself asexual or not.

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Agreed--she's the only one that could say for sure what her sexuality might be, as it's not a diagnosis but a part of identity. I do like that you seem to be questioning the possibility of her being asexual, rather than ways to "fix it," though, so good on 'ya.

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iamphoenixfire

okay, you seem to be figuring this out in a very mature way and for that i commend you. and from what you said, she might be. id just do what everyone else seems to be saying and talk to her about it and maybe show her AVEN.

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You seem to be a really understanding and honest guy. I think you two can for sure sort through this and you've taken an important step in doing so. Good luck!

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Méshie Péshie

I'd say show her the forum. I have a friend who I am pretty sure is ace but in great denial because she has a boyfriend that doesn't believe in asexuality, so your girlfriend may not WANT to believe she is asexual for the sake of feeling normal. I wish you great luck. I hope everything works out.

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Sounds pretty ace to me, but in the end, she's the one who can say what she is!

+1 to everyone else here saying to show her the site, the wiki, etc. If you spent a year courting her before she even really agreed to go out with you, I'll guess you really love her. You sound very sensitive. So hopefully I'm not wrong in assuming that you'd be OK with her being asexual, and with such as the case, I would make that clear to her.

If she's really insecure, she may even be afraid of her lack of sexuality. If she IS ace, then she'll need someone around to not only approve but also reassure her. As an asexual who is repulsed by any sexual contact, from kissing up, I will say that 'pretending' can be rather traumatic. So if she is ace -- and again, she may not be, that identification is all up to her -- but if she is ace, she's gone through a lot.

Treat her well.

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Méshie Péshie

Arieseast just gave me an idea. If she IS in fact in denial, it won't change the fact that she really obviously does not WANT to do anything with you. In knowing that, you can give her the comfort and assurance that you understand her. Open relationships are a good option in these situations as well. It lets us aces not feel pressured to do anything out of guilt and best of all, allows us to know that our partner is getting taken care of and happy.

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Yes, there is always that! She doesn't really have to come to terms with asexuality right now. Whether or not she is asexual, she is clearly uncomfortable and you can support her in that and make it clear that it's OK not to get involved in those acts.

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