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#AsexualProblems


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7 hours ago, naakka said:

I can relate :D it's confusing when your libido temporarily rises up but does not follow with any sort of sexual attraction towards anyone to make any sense :rolleyes: it's like "I'm hungry but not for anything edible!"

"I'm hungry but not for anything edible" is really the best definition. 😂  And then the hunger stops existing and you're like "was it even here in the first place? Was I not deluding myself?"

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3 hours ago, Hanas said:

"I'm hungry but not for anything edible" is really the best definition. 😂  And then the hunger stops existing and you're like "was it even here in the first place? Was I not deluding myself?"

Yea, they had that allegory on one research study about asexuals I took part in: hunger = your libido, sexual attraction towards someone = the food you want to eat. I think it's very descriptive :D Yea, there's no reason to experience the rise in libido so it just feels implausible.

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nerdperson777
On 1/26/2020 at 5:22 PM, Firefly8 said:

Same. Now that you mention it a large part of the movie is about the parents' relationship isn't it? I hadn't thought about it before, but like you, I was into it for the girls' story.

If the focus was the parents' relationship beyond getting rid of evil lady, I have clearly missed the point.

 

On 1/28/2020 at 12:42 PM, Laplace said:

At the risk of coming off as a hateful individual, after working in an environment where hearing kids scream their heads off is fairly common, I have absolutely no desire to have kids. I’m sorry, but OML it is so frustrating and annoying to listen to some kid make one of the most grating sounds ever conceived nonstop as they march around in my general vicinity for what seems like an eternity. Then some will spill crap on the floor or pick something up and drop it wayyyy away from its home location, and my coworkers and I have to clean it up. I think I’d snap if I had to raise a child. Just looking after my kid cousin for a while gives me a headache as I have to listen to constant poop jokes. Bastard once swapped my water out with ****ing soap which nearly made me vomit; the substance could’ve been toxic too. So yeah, no thanks. **** that.

I guess for me I'm on the "not all" whatever thing.  When I'm older and self-sufficient, I consider adopting queer youth and helping them live happy lives.  I'm thinking like how my parents were able to get our dog.  I'm not trying to compare a dog to a human in a bad way, but hear this out.  They went to a rescue and dogs get a label from 1 to 4, or 5, I forget.  1 is a fairly sedentary pet, while 4-5 is very active and requires lots of stimulation.  Our dog is a 2.  So in that future, if I'm able to find a kid that's like a 2, which is how I am, I think I would be able to get along.  Because if I had a complete extrovert kid that never stopped talking, that would not work out.  Even at my job, I don't know what to do if I got a screamy kid.  I can tell them to calm down but it'd probably take way more than my soft voice to calm down someone that high energy.

 

On 1/30/2020 at 7:40 AM, NoMansWifi said:

I was hanging out with my cousin and her boyfriend in my car a while back and she brought up my asexuality (don't remember why), and asked me some question like,

"So if you had to choose between letting your mom die or have sex, what would you do?"

"Ummm probably sex."

"What? But you're asexual!"

 

Lol she ended up thinking I had a crush on her boyfriend I only knew for like a month.

I'd probably let my mom die and feel bad for the rest of my life.

 

There was a guy who had a crush on cis me after a month, after I did the calculations.  As someone with very grey- and demi- attractions at best, I can't fathom "love at first sight" or instant attraction.

 

16 hours ago, griffinej5 said:

What the hell situation would this be? Like I’m kidnapped, and if I don’t have get raped by the kidnapper, they kill my mom? I mean, I guess I’d let them rape me. Though could this person even be trusted to let us free anyway?

In high school, my friends were playing "would you rather".  One friend asked, "would you rather be the rapist or the rapee (person being raped)?"  I don't remember people's answers, but I think one said rapist.  I told my mom about this, and she tends to miss the point of these games.  She said she wouldn't want to be either.  The point is that you have to choose one.  It's not like my gender when the choices are happy guy and depressed girl and she'd choose happy girl, which isn't even one of the choices.

 

15 hours ago, naakka said:

I can relate :D it's confusing when your libido temporarily rises up but does not follow with any sort of sexual attraction towards anyone to make any sense :rolleyes: it's like "I'm hungry but not for anything edible!"

Being on hormones makes me "itchier" but it feels so pointless when I'm not attracted to anyone.  What am I supposed to do with this??

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6 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

 

 

In high school, my friends were playing "would you rather".  One friend asked, "would you rather be the rapist or the rapee (person being raped)?"  I don't remember people's answers, but I think one said rapist.  I told my mom about this, and she tends to miss the point of these games.  She said she wouldn't want to be either.  The point is that you have to choose one.  It's not like my gender when the choices are happy guy and depressed girl and she'd choose happy girl, which isn't even one of the choices.

 

 

What the actual fuck? No, none of them. I guess the only possible one would be that I’d be the victim, because I’d never be the rapist. 

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I can't even go one conversation with my roommates without them bringing up something sexual. Watching the Super Bowl Halftime show? "Oh look how hot J-Lo and Shakira are! They're so sexy!" Watching The Black Panther? "OMG Michael B Jordan is so hot!!! Look at his butt!" Or they'll talk about the boys they're attracted to, or how great the sex is that they've had in the past. 😅

It's fine if you find people attractive sexually, but must you talk about it constantly? I'm constantly being reminded that I'm different from all the other sexualities because I don't find people hot or want to "do" them. Part of me really wants to just casually come out in ever other conversation I'm in, just to explain to people that not everyone feels the same way, but then they'd have tons of questions and probably end up not believing me. Not to mention I'm biromantic (or even homoromantic maybe) as well. Sigh...🙄

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@griffinej5

 

Right!? That was kind of low key my question, and I hate it when people deliberately construct hypotheticals to make people uncomfortable.

 

And sometimes you answer the hypothetical and they add to it to make it worse like wtf. 

 

It reminds me of those cringe inducing texts you see online ish like “what would you do if I was there.”

 

I’d tell you to get the fuck out of my house that’s what.

 

What is the point of these questions? I mean really? Am I the only one that thinks if you revel in making people uncomfortable you’re a bad person?

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7 hours ago, Ally<3 said:

I can't even go one conversation with my roommates without them bringing up something sexual. Watching the Super Bowl Halftime show? "Oh look how hot J-Lo and Shakira are! They're so sexy!" Watching The Black Panther? "OMG Michael B Jordan is so hot!!! Look at his butt!" Or they'll talk about the boys they're attracted to, or how great the sex is that they've had in the past. 😅

It's fine if you find people attractive sexually, but must you talk about it constantly? I'm constantly being reminded that I'm different from all the other sexualities because I don't find people hot or want to "do" them. Part of me really wants to just casually come out in ever other conversation I'm in, just to explain to people that not everyone feels the same way, but then they'd have tons of questions and probably end up not believing me. Not to mention I'm biromantic (or even homoromantic maybe) as well. Sigh...🙄

I mean, I do find people hot sometimes, but I have no need to talk about it all the time, or bring it up when it’s not the topic of conversation. 

1 hour ago, i.r3beka said:

@griffinej5

 

Right!? That was kind of low key my question, and I hate it when people deliberately construct hypotheticals to make people uncomfortable.

 

And sometimes you answer the hypothetical and they add to it to make it worse like wtf. 

 

It reminds me of those cringe inducing texts you see online ish like “what would you do if I was there.”

 

I’d tell you to get the fuck out of my house that’s what.

 

What is the point of these questions? I mean really? Am I the only one that thinks if you revel in making people uncomfortable you’re a bad person?

Right? Amongst friends, it’s sometimes funny to make each other a little uncomfortable, but not like that. 

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nerdperson777
18 hours ago, griffinej5 said:

What the actual fuck? No, none of them. I guess the only possible one would be that I’d be the victim, because I’d never be the rapist. 

I do not know how the conversation happened.  I've been fortunate that my friends were not really dirty or sexual so that was a rare conversation.  But many of them were real anime fanatics so there were a bunch of girls pretending (or not?) about being in relationships with each other.  There was even this whole family tree of who married who.  Then there was a guy who wanted into the family and our leader friend said that he would have to choose a guy because all the girls married each other.  I didn't want to marry anyone so I think I was the pet dog.  It was either that or the cat, but I wanted to be something other than a cat like I always was.

I didn't know I was ace back then, so I wouldn't have known that I could never be a rapist in that case.

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Birth control is a gloriously useful thing. I go to Planned Parenthood. And they're wonderful people 10/10 recommend. This, in the 2 years or so I've been receiving care from them, is the only time I've had this experience with someone there. I think most of the reason I'm upset is because it was the last place I expected it. And it was good to suggest I switch over to the suggested birth control from my current one it's more affordable, effective, longer-lasting and has similar symptoms that I know I can handle. The execution from this one person just left a lot to be desired. Anyway, here goes.

 

https://photos.app.goo.gl/9pb8osUfRRDMay6aA

 

(EDIT: photos are in opposite order, please read backwards. Tried to fix it, couldn't. Sorry.)

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Asexual problem. I have an extremely lewd sense of humour, and almost nothing pertaining to sex, sexuality offends me, other than physical contact. Some peeps say how can I be asexual when I can see sexual innuendo in just about anything 😋🤣

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On 2/6/2020 at 10:21 PM, Skycaptain said:

Asexual problem. I have an extremely lewd sense of humour, and almost nothing pertaining to sex, sexuality offends me, other than physical contact. Some peeps say how can I be asexual when I can see sexual innuendo in just about anything 😋🤣

I have the opposite problem. I talk and make innuendos all the time without noticing it, and then some people start laughing and I don’t understand why, and they have to explain it. Like... it it really so constantly on their minds that they can’t even see the content of what I’m trying to say rather than the words that could be bent to reference genitals or whatever. Gawd.

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deletingthisaccount
2 minutes ago, Gwaeren said:

I have the opposite problem. I talk and make innuendos all the time without noticing it, and then some people start laughing and I don’t understand why, and they have to explain it. Like... it it really so constantly on their minds that they can’t even see the content of what I’m trying to say rather than the words that could be bent to reference genitals or whatever. Gawd.

I'm the exact same way. I didn't even realize what "that's what she said" meant until a couple years ago. Honestly, it can be problematic for me sometimes because I have no idea that whatever I said can have connotations and people take it the wrong way.

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when people use hot or sexy to describe someone. mmmm... i guess? I've only used good looking for men. occasionally i'll throw out pretty or cute for women. but that's society for us.. everything is over-sexualized.

 

i have a pretty sarcastic/dark sense of humor and i wonder if that helped me understand sex jokes more quickly. they can be funny sometimes, but honestly people need to just stop.

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When someone says “ace” in a completely different context and you want to laugh but you’re closeted and it’s only a pun to you... 

 

this has happened to me more times than I want to admit.

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On 2/8/2020 at 11:44 AM, paytonk07 said:

I'm the exact same way. I didn't even realize what "that's what she said" meant until a couple years ago. Honestly, it can be problematic for me sometimes because I have no idea that whatever I said can have connotations and people take it the wrong way.

I’ve consciously lobotomized some of my vocabulary to avoid innuendos now. I try to avoid using words like “come,” “moist/wet,” “shaft,” etc. I also think I occasionally lapse into stilted speech so I’m already a bit more pedantic when socializing to begin with so it’s harder to turn my words into a joke.

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nerdperson777

I was playing a DnD game.  The DM is a religious cishet guy.  He decided that the two adventurer NPCs that carried us through most of the battles so far were in a relationship when we got to town.  As the guy NPC, he said that the two were getting a room at the inn and if we hear sounds in the walls, don't come in.  After we talked to a bunch of other NPCs, two of us got a room at the inn.  I said that I hope we don't get the room next to them.  As the innkeeper, the DM said, "oh you know those two?  You got the room next to them!"  Of course, I'm like, "DANG IT!"

 

Then I had to work at a birthday party this weekend.  For older kids, we have a Nerf Blaster theme.  So it's up to the lead coach to add some imaginative modes to the dart shooting.  We had these rubber spike balls normally used for balance.  I thought they were going to be trip mines but instead they were defibrillators.  Whoever was the medic had to grab one in each hand and put it on the body of a friend to revive them from a dart death.  Some kids put it up to their chests to pretend they have boobs and I had to tell them several times that it wasn't the purpose of them.

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23 hours ago, Laplace said:

I’ve consciously lobotomized some of my vocabulary to avoid innuendos now. I try to avoid using words like “come,” “moist/wet,” “shaft,” etc. I also think I occasionally lapse into stilted speech so I’m already a bit more pedantic when socializing to begin with so it’s harder to turn my words into a joke.

See, my problem is that I know so few innuedos that for the most part, it's hard for me to rationalize words/phrases to avoid. Although now you've taught me a few more words to use with caution, so thank you for that haha

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People assuming I'm lesbian when I'm not 😠, I'm aromantic asexual, I don't want sex and don't want a romance from anyone, not from males, not from females. #asexualproblems #aromanticproblems

Platonic friendship is the boundary, nothing more.

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5 hours ago, stampoc said:

People assuming I'm lesbian when I'm not 😠, I'm aromantic asexual, I don't want sex and don't want a romance from anyone, not from males, not from females. #asexualproblems #aromanticproblems

Platonic friendship is the boundary, nothing more.

Omg same. People assume I'm lesbian because I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not interested in dating 🙄 

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8 hours ago, LHan said:
14 hours ago, stampoc said:

People assuming I'm lesbian when I'm not 😠, I'm aromantic asexual, I don't want sex and don't want a romance from anyone, not from males, not from females. #asexualproblems #aromanticproblems

Platonic friendship is the boundary, nothing more.

Omg same. People assume I'm lesbian because I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not interested in dating 🙄 

People have made the same assumption about me being lesbian on the basis that I don't have a boyfriend/husband. I still find it amusing. 😄

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deletingthisaccount
18 hours ago, stampoc said:

People assuming I'm lesbian when I'm not 😠, I'm aromantic asexual, I don't want sex and don't want a romance from anyone, not from males, not from females. #asexualproblems #aromanticproblems

Platonic friendship is the boundary, nothing more.

 

12 hours ago, LHan said:

Omg same. People assume I'm lesbian because I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not interested in dating 🙄 

 

4 hours ago, Eutierria said:

People have made the same assumption about me being lesbian on the basis that I don't have a boyfriend/husband. I still find it amusing. 😄

I actually just posted about this on another thread. I have the same problem. I'm an aro-ace, but a lot of people think I'm secretly lesbian solely because I'm 23 and I've never been in a relationship. I was out as ace in college, but I'm not out to my family, in law school, or in my hometown (which is across the country both from my college and law school), so it's mostly people in those environments that think so.

 

I swear my grandparents seem think that every single one of my female friends that I post pictures with are my secret girlfriend (even in group photos -- I'm just secretly dating everyone somehow??). And that everything I do in life revolves around supposed secret girlfriends. When I traveled solo to Europe a couple summers ago, I must have "actually been traveling with a secret girlfriend." When I decided to study abroad, the real reason must have been "to go be with a secret girlfriend." I chose my law school not because of academics, but clearly because "my secret girlfriend must go there too." Going to an amusement park for the day? Obviously no one goes to an amusement park unless it's "with a secret girlfriend." 🙄 

 

I used to think it was funny until it actually started getting on my nerves that I can't do absolutely anything without being "secretly gay" lol

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4 hours ago, paytonk07 said:

 

I actually just posted about this on another thread. I have the same problem. I'm an aro-ace, but a lot of people think I'm secretly lesbian solely because I'm 23 and I've never been in a relationship. I was out as ace in college, but I'm not out to my family, in law school, or in my hometown (which is across the country both from my college and law school), so it's mostly people in those environments that think so.

 

I swear my grandparents seem think that every single one of my female friends that I post pictures with are my secret girlfriend (even in group photos -- I'm just secretly dating everyone somehow??). And that everything I do in life revolves around supposed secret girlfriends. When I traveled solo to Europe a couple summers ago, I must have "actually been traveling with a secret girlfriend." When I decided to study abroad, the real reason must have been "to go be with a secret girlfriend." I chose my law school not because of academics, but clearly because "my secret girlfriend must go there too." Going to an amusement park for the day? Obviously no one goes to an amusement park unless it's "with a secret girlfriend." 🙄 

 

I used to think it was funny until it actually started getting on my nerves that I can't do absolutely anything without being "secretly gay" lol

I still live with my parents and every time I go out, my mom asks me where I'm going and with who. I have one pretty close guy friend (but that's all he is, a friend) and she's always asking "are you going out with [insert guy friend's name]???" No mother.. I do have other friends. And even if I am, nothing is going to happen. Didn't happen 6-7 years ago when I met him, ain't gonna happen now 😂🤣

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16 hours ago, LHan said:

I still live with my parents and every time I go out, my mom asks me where I'm going and with who. I have one pretty close guy friend (but that's all he is, a friend) and she's always asking "are you going out with [insert guy friend's name]???" No mother.. I do have other friends. And even if I am, nothing is going to happen. Didn't happen 6-7 years ago when I met him, ain't gonna happen now 😂🤣

I can relate to that too! Back in high school my mom had apparently been telling people that I liked/was dating one of my guy friends (which was false). I didn't realize it until my uncle, who lives out of state and doesn't know any of my friends, had said something like "stop texting your boyfriend. What's his name, [insert guy friend's name here]?" so of course I immediately give my mom a "?!?!?!" look and she's like "[guy's name] is your friend... and he's a boy..." MOM, NO.

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2 hours ago, paytonk07 said:

Back in high school my mom had apparently been telling people that I liked/was dating one of my guy friends (which was false).

Is that a "mom of ace" thing? That have happened to me, too! First, there was a boy who I liked to talk with since he was ambitious at school (so we had something to talk about), and my mum lead the conclusion. Then I found out that she casually talked with someone about "the boy I like" (and you don't say that in Finnish if it's not more than friendship). The second was a girl I'm friends with, my mum and grandmum were certain that something was going on, and basically stalked me when I met her while we visited her home town. I mean, we were on the trip togerher but they let me know they'd go to hotel while we met at a cafe, and they stayed a few tables away from us, behind the corner. I bet it was interesting to hear us talking about cartoons and careers and stuff 😂 my mum also adviced me that it seemed like another friend of mine is interested in a certain boy (she wasn't), like she thought I tried to charm her 🙄

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16 minutes ago, naakka said:

Is that a "mom of ace" thing? That have happened to me, too! First, there was a boy who I liked to talk with since he was ambitious at school (so we had something to talk about), and my mum lead the conclusion. Then I found out that she casually talked with someone about "the boy I like" (and you don't say that in Finnish if it's not more than friendship). The second was a girl I'm friends with, my mum and grandmum were certain that something was going on, and basically stalked me when I met her while we visited her home town. I mean, we were on the trip togerher but they let me know they'd go to hotel while we met at a cafe, and they stayed a few tables away from us, behind the corner. I bet it was interesting to hear us talking about cartoons and careers and stuff 😂 my mum also adviced me that it seemed like another friend of mine is interested in a certain boy (she wasn't), like she thought I tried to charm her 🙄

Lol yup, sounds about like my family. My family doesn't know I'm aro-ace (neither did I actually, at the time when my mom told people I was "dating my guy friend"), but I've never been in a relationship and I think she just wanted me to be "normal." At this point, I've basically just told them I don't care about dating and that I'm never going to get married or have kids, without putting the label on it. I do wonder though if my parents hope that will change one day -- and half of my extended family, as previously explained, just thinks I'm secretly lesbian so 😂

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief

My online friend for years is still saying stuff that feels like they're trying to provoke me and I'm just like, why. If the whole ace/aro exclusionist thing was just a belief and not something to use to be petty, why say anything to me about ace/aro people. I'm just venting because I'm not gonna break it off with them(I mean how many friends have I accepted pettiness from, that's a lot and...maybe in the future it'll lead to us drifting apart but for now I'm not ready), but after a conversation with them talking about their recent breakup and me being sympathetic, they end the entire conversation with saying "one thing I've learned is I'm never dating someone on the aromantic spectrum again. You never know if they've stopped having feelings for you."

 

After trying to explain things about us further I got stuck on some past relationships and sexual experiences which were traumatic for me. Because they're things which happened with people older than me, who I carry a lot of guilt over not having helped with their situations, even though I don't actually remember whether they treated me well and some of my actions were influenced by abusive family. I hate that this friend says things which affect me like this, they don't even know it was triggering for me.

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Sister is casually epilating in the living room. Half-naked or it's not funny. I immediately felt the need to put more clothes on. 

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12 hours ago, paytonk07 said:

Lol yup, sounds about like my family. My family doesn't know I'm aro-ace (neither did I actually, at the time when my mom told people I was "dating my guy friend"), but I've never been in a relationship and I think she just wanted me to be "normal." At this point, I've basically just told them I don't care about dating and that I'm never going to get married or have kids, without putting the label on it. I do wonder though if my parents hope that will change one day -- and half of my extended family, as previously explained, just thinks I'm secretly lesbian so 😂

Mine doesn't/didn't know either, and at those times I didn't know either. But I have never implied any romantic/sexual interest towards anyone during my whole life and I've also told my mum I'm not really interested in having children (I actually first implied it as a kid but just didn't have words to really explain it back then). I guess all that misinterpretation happened due to aroace being "the nonexistent option" in their minds 😅 yea, I've read in between lines that my mum believes I'm closeted lesbian so :rolleyes:

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I recently bought a shirt that references me being ace and my mom was immediately upset when I told her what it meant, even though I had mentioned it before I bought the shirt. She was only fine with it when I mentioned people probably won't know what it means anyway. 

 

People assume me being ace means that I never want to date anyone ever and that I'm fine basically not having friends either. My mom says I don't need to worry about it, but that just makes me feel guilty about not liking always being alone. I get teaching your kid they don't need to be in a relationship, that's true. But I don't have any idea how to be in any kind of relationship at all. So many things people say about relationships just sound fake.

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4 hours ago, Soraiko said:

People assume me being ace means that I never want to date anyone ever and that I'm fine basically not having friends either. My mum says I don't need to worry about it, but that just makes me feel guilty about not liking always being alone.

No reason to feel quilty about it! Human is a social species, and I believe that even the most aroace of us (= me) have some sort of need to connect with others. It's not your fault if you don't feel like allosexual ways of bounding don't feel good for you. And it's not allosexual people's fault if they feel like aces ways of bounding aren't enough for them. It's no-one's fault, it's just unlucky mismatch. You have the right to refuse the people who's ways of bounding don't match yours. And you also have the right to long for the types of bounding you do like.

4 hours ago, Soraiko said:

I get teaching your kid they don't need to be in a relationship, that's true. But I don't have any idea how to be in any kind of relationship at all. So many things people say about relationships just sound fake.

I also used to feel that everyone around me is faking certain things. And to some extent, I still do. But I've realized they're genuine feelings to allosexual people, but I just can't get a grasp of them since I don't experience them myself. If there was any advice I'd tell to my younger self, I'd tell that "not everyone around you is an imposter, you just experience things differently than them". And that I think that would have given me some much needed confidence and trust towards my peers. So just do things that feel genuine to you instead of mimicing others, in the end that's the only way to feel connected with yourself :) And also remember, you don't have to get into a relationship just to "achieve that goal in life", but only when you genuinely want to be with the person ;)

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