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#AsexualProblems

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twetzel59
16 hours ago, AceAnimeFan said:

"you're just not letting yourself be (attracted to anyone)" #AsexualProblems

OMG yes

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arakaze_24e

"you don't even know if you're asexual"

 

-my mom, circa like a week ago i think

 

#AsexualProblems

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i.r3beka
14 minutes ago, arakaze_24e said:

"you don't even know if you're asexual"

 

-my mom, circa like a week ago i think

 

#AsexualProblems

 

14 minutes ago, arakaze_24e said:

"you don't even know if you're asexual"

 

-my mom, circa like a week ago i think

 

#AsexualProblems

Tell her she doesn’t know she’s allo, I mean, she hasn’t tried being lesbian has she? So how can she know she’s not a lesbian?

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starweb

I write fanfiction but can’t write smut.  (That reads like an  introduction to a support group).

 

I’m not repulsed.  I’m sex indifferent, or sex-neutral.

 

I don’t mean I find it difficult.  I find it difficult to write angst, but if I spend time on it and concentrate, I can do it, but for smut, I got nothing.

 

When I reach that point in the story, I look out the window, eat a snack, take a drink, check twitter…I can write romance, I write a couple cuddling, and non-sexual intimacy, everything else but smut because my mind will not stay focused. I’ll look at the screen and at what I’ve written, the couple is in bed, and then think about what I should eat for lunch. I eat lunch and come back and the couple is still just laying there…waiting to do something. I have them make out and say sweet things to each other and then notice the room needs a clean.

 

People have told me to read what others have written, but it doesn’t stick. I either skip them over them or just cannot remember those scenes after I’ve read them. I found out that’s not all that unusual with asexual writers, although I have heard of some who can do it, and do it well. I’m just not one of them.

 

I get positive feedback, so there are people who like what I've done...despite it being fanfiction with no smut.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I actively seek out fanfic without smut, @starweb; sadly it's rare, and rarer still when you want the sick and twisted part but not the 'sexual'*.

 

*

Spoiler

I say 'sexual' because it's usually rape/non-con in the tags I frequent.

 

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Lilith Corvus
On 8/13/2019 at 7:40 PM, AceCase47 said:

Okay but now I’m also having a crisis.

i just looked up aromanticism and there are some things that make a ton of sense. Like finding that kissing is meh, or like thinking you want a relationship and to do all this stuff, but as soon as they are into you back, it suddenly feels wrong??? Like I want someone to love me back and stuff, but then it happens and I want out. I thought up until now that I just wasn’t finding the right people or figured out what I had for them wasn’t love - but now I’m not sure. All my past relationships or almost relationships were ended by me, either because I felt I didn’t actually love them, or because maybe I was afraid...? Anyway I’m confused... and tbh... I know it’s not a bad thing to be aro, or being both ace and aro, but I want to have a relationship and like find love or my definition of it, and if i am both, I feel like it’s never gonna happen. 

 

On 8/13/2019 at 10:42 PM, AceCase47 said:

I just am still struggling to know exactly how I identify romantically. I mean, theoretically speaking I would date guys so always just assumed Heteroromantic. But then the whole crisis with “what parts of a relationship do I actually like” and “sometimes I don’t even enjoy kissing” or am uncomfy when cuddling (In the very few situations where I have been cuddling with a guy) and it makes me wonder what I actually want. Maybe I just want a really deep platonic relationship (squish) and have been mistaking it for romance??? But like, who wants that you know? It’s not like it’ll be easy to find someone who is like “Yup that’s what I want too” who I am also interested in getting to know, outside of this community. 

 

Maybe ill just be the crazy dog lady 😞😂

WHOA. Then I guess I must be aromantic too? I've also wanted relationships in the past but every time they became more than friendships I ended them. I probably confused romance with the need to have a deep connection with someone. I remember now, I saw a documentary a while ago about a gay man and a lesbian who got married because a few decades ago it was frowned upon to not be married, etc. etc. so they just did it so people would stop gossiping about them. They're best friends, they do many things together, but there's no sex involved in their marriage. I remember thinking "wow, that's what I want!" The thought of having a life partner is amazing to me, and this sort of connection is so much deeper than sex. I actually wouldn't mind if my life partner had sexual encounters if they felt the need to, as long as we keep our connection and have each other's backs, always. 

 

So wow. Hi, I'm asexual and aromantic... Who would've thought! (that is so ironic because no one that knows me would be surprised hahaha)

 

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Bronztrooper
8 hours ago, starweb said:

I write fanfiction but can’t write smut.  (That reads like an  introduction to a support group).

 

I’m not repulsed.  I’m sex indifferent, or sex-neutral.

 

I don’t mean I find it difficult.  I find it difficult to write angst, but if I spend time on it and concentrate, I can do it, but for smut, I got nothing.

 

When I reach that point in the story, I look out the window, eat a snack, take a drink, check twitter…I can write romance, I write a couple cuddling, and non-sexual intimacy, everything else but smut because my mind will not stay focused. I’ll look at the screen and at what I’ve written, the couple is in bed, and then think about what I should eat for lunch. I eat lunch and come back and the couple is still just laying there…waiting to do something. I have them make out and say sweet things to each other and then notice the room needs a clean.

 

People have told me to read what others have written, but it doesn’t stick. I either skip them over them or just cannot remember those scenes after I’ve read them. I found out that’s not all that unusual with asexual writers, although I have heard of some who can do it, and do it well. I’m just not one of them.

 

I get positive feedback, so there are people who like what I've done...despite it being fanfiction with no smut.

I refuse to try writing smut partly for that reason.  A couple of my friends are pretty good at writing smut, so if I ever decided to give it a shot I could always ask them, but I'd probably have to rely on them heavily and I'm very insular when it comes to my writing (as in the actual writing part itself) so that's not ideal for me.  Hell, the only smut scenes I've had that involved any of my characters in the RP I do with my friends were written entirely by one of my friends with minimal input from me.

 

As for my fanfics themselves, I have them all rated T because the site I use allows you to 'rate' the content of your stories, which means that I'm not putting smut scenes in (though sex between characters, if it happens, is implied).  Really, I'd much rather write a fight scene instead of a smut scene

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naakka
5 hours ago, Lilith Corvus said:

I remember now, I saw a documentary a while ago about a gay man and a lesbian who got married because a few decades ago it was frowned upon to not be married, etc. etc. so they just did it so people would stop gossiping about them. They're best friends, they do many things together, but there's no sex involved in their marriage. I remember thinking "wow, that's what I want!" The thought of having a life partner is amazing to me, and this sort of connection is so much deeper than sex.

Wow I think I saw the same documentary and thought the same way! I've just recently found out I might be aro in addition to ace, for some reason thoughts like that never rang the bell for me 😅 anyhow yea, non-sexual non-romantic relationships always seemed to have a chance for deeper connection for me than sexual-romantic ones. Like, if there's no obligation for romance and sex stuff in the relationship, you'd end up having more time to do greater variety of fun and interesting things. Romantic/sexual bonding just always seemed like household chores that took time from the real stuff lol (I never realized these were my priorities or that these kind of priorities are not common ones to have).

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nerdperson777
17 hours ago, i.r3beka said:

Tell her she doesn’t know she’s allo, I mean, she hasn’t tried being lesbian has she? So how can she know she’s not a lesbian?

I was going to say that but you beat me to it.

 

9 hours ago, Lilith Corvus said:

WHOA. Then I guess I must be aromantic too? I've also wanted relationships in the past but every time they became more than friendships I ended them. I probably confused romance with the need to have a deep connection with someone. I remember now, I saw a documentary a while ago about a gay man and a lesbian who got married because a few decades ago it was frowned upon to not be married, etc. etc. so they just did it so people would stop gossiping about them. They're best friends, they do many things together, but there's no sex involved in their marriage. I remember thinking "wow, that's what I want!" The thought of having a life partner is amazing to me, and this sort of connection is so much deeper than sex. I actually wouldn't mind if my life partner had sexual encounters if they felt the need to, as long as we keep our connection and have each other's backs, always. 

 

So wow. Hi, I'm asexual and aromantic... Who would've thought! (that is so ironic because no one that knows me would be surprised hahaha)

I kind of went a similar path.  I came across the word demisexual, and looking at the definition of demi-, I was like "Yes!  This is totally it!"  But then I had to re-evaluate myself, because the attraction wasn't sexual.  I had never been sexually attracted to anyone.  (Well later I think there was one instance in high school that was sexual attraction, but I'll never really know.)  So I went back to asexual.  Aromantic is still untouched for me.  Maybe I can be quoromantic?  I like to be with someone in a QPR type thing and it always felt right that I do masculine gestures to a girl, like putting an arm over her shoulder.  I don't think I'd ever hold hands in public because I don't want anyone to think that I was in a relationship with someone, but I do like touching, which makes me definitely demisensual.  I would never kiss though.  So far I can say that I may have experienced sexual and aesthetic attraction, both once, as I don't know if those were those attractions.  Never have experienced romantic.  I think I might be demisexual again because I don't know what feeling I had towards a friend a couple years ago, but I'll never put myself in that situation again so I will never know.  Everything is too grey for me to know what they are, if at all.

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starweb
11 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

Really, I'd much rather write a fight scene instead of a smut scene

Me too. Those are easy. ;)

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Member114264
17 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

Really, I'd much rather write a fight scene instead of a smut scene

I rather have at least one of them to be hurt or killed by a sniper instead.

@SkyenAutowegCaptain No. Just no. I and the ToS forbid you from commenting like that.

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SkyenAutowegCaptain

A Sex Pistol? :P:P

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DragonSpirit
9 hours ago, starweb said:

Me too. Those are easy. ;)

Yes. Fight scenes are GOOD.

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LightR4y

Always being the third wheel. I'm walking home alone at 4am because I was practically in the way

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i.r3beka
6 hours ago, LightR4y said:

Always being the third wheel. I'm walking home alone at 4am because I was practically in the way

Oh geez. I know it sucks, when my former best friend of 5+ years got a boyfriend, I became the third wheel. Still, don’t walk home alone at 4am. Insist on being driven to your home or have someone walk with you. 

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Laplace
11 hours ago, LightR4y said:

Always being the third wheel. I'm walking home alone at 4am because I was practically in the way

Ugh, that’s me when I’m with couples, whether it’s friends, cousins, etc. I’m sometimes just like, “Why am I even here?” If there’s gonna be romantic undertones to an outing, I’d rather let them go by themselves rather than sit through all the mushy awkwardness. Though after so many years, I’m kinda used to it at this point.

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firebird8

I was at an aquarium yesterday with two friends. There was a new section with a theatre, and the staff instructed multiple times that after the presentation we were to proceed up the stairs to the "culmination gallery". One of my friends said that this sounded threatening (in context, it sounded like something from a horror movie is what they meant), but to me it sounded the some sort of weird sex joke, to which the same person said I must have a very different idea of sex than them. My other friend, who is the only person I've come out to, leaned over and said quietly and said "says the asexual". Neither of them meant anything mean, but I really don't know why in the particular situation this one time it was a horror movie implication rather than a lewd one. 

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MarieC

I am so asexual and aromantic that it is really frightening to me to have couples sleeping in my house .

I am at my parents and so is my little sister ,she had a party with a few friends and in the room next to mine a couple is staying for the night .And yes they probably wont have sex but even the sounds of kissing is really hard for me to stand . Couples make me so anxious and I don't feel I can say it without sounding like a monster.

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frodobelle

I told my parents about asexuality and my being ace, and it went better than expected :)

 

My mom was much more immediately accepting of it than my dad, actually (I suspect she's demi-ace), and was actually kind of delighted to find out there's anywhere from 1-5% of the population who don't feel sexual attraction. She remembers my being kind of painfully naive and also really hyper-cuddly and affectionate with pretty much everyone -- so does dad, tbh, but they also both remember my being "boy-crazy" (highly romantic ace). Her warnings to me went along the lines of, "yield to the more conservative party, don't feel obligated to have sex, it's supposed to be for BOTH of you."

 

My dad took more convincing, which makes sense. Because I was so confused by everyone's obsession with sex and was scared to go to mom with questions, he got ALL the questions, lol. He did ask, you know out of genuine curiosity, "If you feel that way, why did you get married?" Which wasn't unexpected, but it still kinda hurt. What hurt a bit more was his many warnings not to let this [my being ace] wreck my marriage, explaining that he feels his generation did a disservice to mine and my siblings' because they made sex kind of the whole point of marriage, and there's actually much more to it...which is what I had been trying to explain when answering "why married if ace??" He cracked up and relaxed considerably when I told him about my habit tracker for sex a certain number of times a week, though, and said my husband should consider himself blessed. :P So it all worked out.

 

Random Funny: There was a point where I was explaining that "hubby IS handsome, like a marble statue..." where he bobbed his head in a sort of would-face-palm-but-hands-are-busy gesture. Apparently this is not the sort of "handsome" that causes people to want to marry eachother. Whoops.

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frodobelle

My dad also remarked that he's noticed millenials and gen z just aren't that into sex, compared to his generation (x) and baby boomers.

 

Which is funny, considering how sex-crazed he and literally all of the adults around me insisted my generation and younger WERE, you know, growing up.

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nerdperson777
3 hours ago, frodobelle said:

My dad also remarked that he's noticed millenials and gen z just aren't that into sex, compared to his generation (x) and baby boomers.

 

Which is funny, considering how sex-crazed he and literally all of the adults around me insisted my generation and younger WERE, you know, growing up.

I think it's more like, it's harder to be financially stable for the younger generation so they really can't afford to have families.  Hook up culture and one night stands become more common, because it leaves out a lot of the commitment that's more available to the older generation.

Perhaps he was thinking about teenagers and hormones.  My dad thinks my rebellion is linked to hormones, but I almost never did any rebelling during my first puberty.  But rebelling is more than just being against the parents, it's about believing that they're wrong.  If all arguments were really about just pissing off the "correct" party, then there wouldn't be any good reason to argue.

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i.r3beka
5 hours ago, frodobelle said:

 

Random Funny: There was a point where I was explaining that "hubby IS handsome, like a marble statue..." where he bobbed his head in a sort of would-face-palm-but-hands-are-busy gesture. Apparently this is not the sort of "handsome" that causes people to want to marry eachother. Whoops.

 

Wait....did you say someone looked like a marble statue and they got offended? Why? That’s obviously a compliment, look at Greek statues, they’re hyper realistic and gorgeous, much more sophisticated than Mayan / Incan / Aztec statues I’ve seen. The Chinese clay soldiers are also beautiful and hyper realistic {not sure if they count as statues. Correct me if I’m wrong, doesn’t statue refer specifically to something made from a large material carved into a smaller one, while there’s another word for figures made from smaller components combined?}

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frodobelle
18 minutes ago, i.r3beka said:

 

Wait....did you say someone looked like a marble statue and they got offended? Why? That’s obviously a compliment, look at Greek statues, they’re hyper realistic and gorgeous, much more sophisticated than Mayan / Incan / Aztec statues I’ve seen. The Chinese clay soldiers are also beautiful and hyper realistic {not sure if they count as statues. Correct me if I’m wrong, doesn’t statue refer specifically to something made from a large material carved into a smaller one, while there’s another word for figures made from smaller components combined?}

I think it was more of a situation where marble statues aren't sexual. He wasn't really offended, just exasperated and bemused on my husband's behalf.

 

My husband doesn't mind being compared to neoclassical statuary. :P

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starweb

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

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naakka
6 hours ago, starweb said:

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

Definitely. Also, we're not ace people in straight or gay relationship. We're ace people in ace relationship (if both partners are ace). And if one partner is not ace, the relationship is still ace relationship in our part. Ace people's sexuality do not change just like bi/pan people's sexuality doesn't change.

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Bronztrooper
On 8/29/2019 at 12:18 AM, naakka said:

Definitely. Also, we're not ace people in straight or gay relationship. We're ace people in ace relationship (if both partners are ace). And if one partner is not ace, the relationship is still ace relationship in our part. Ace people's sexuality do not change just like bi/pan people's sexuality doesn't change.

Sad part is that even bi and pan people experience gatekeeping and erasure by the LGBT+ community (more so pan people, but still common for bi people).  It's like if you aren't gay/les, trans, or straight, then you'll likely be put down by both sides because you're too queer to fit into the straight community, but apparently not queer enough for the LGBT+ community (to paraphrase an observation I read a while back).

 

Why everyone focuses so much on what's different between everyone I'll never understand...

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i.r3beka
9 hours ago, starweb said:

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

The fact that this person can’t distinguish between sexual and romantic attraction shows that they have a shallow understanding of relationships.

 

the gate keeping thing is annoying. For this reason, I no longer talk about whether or not I think we are part of the LGBT community, but nevertheless I feel solidarity with them, and I hate how some people try to distance asexuals from the LGBT community.

 

I’d ask them “so you never found someone that you thought was good looking that you DIDN’T want to sleep with?”

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DragonSpirit
15 hours ago, starweb said:

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

It's ridiculous to keep people out because they're "not queer enough." I wouldn't consider myself a part of the LGBT+ community, but I know many aces do. So while the issue doesn't affect me personally, it upsets me on behalf of all the other excluded aces out there. They have even less "reasons" to keep out bi and pan people.

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nerdperson777
On 8/28/2019 at 2:44 PM, starweb said:

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

I would say that members of the community often get oppressed for who they are.  These people who are gatekeeping are being the oppression themselves.  It's not gatekeeping Olympics.  We're all oppressed and we should work together to have everyone not need to worry about it happening to them.

 

 

Some ace moments:

I was told that someone was playing DnD and their group was trying to infiltrate a party.  The DM decided that everyone at the party was pansexual and that person had to roll to not get hit on at the party.  If they got a 1, the partygoer would be hard to get rid of.  I'm just like ha, my problems.

 

Then last night I brought my friend to class, because every two months, we are allowed to bring a friend, and I always bring the same friend.  Normally it's so people can introduce their friends who don't know the topic to get an intro and maybe sign up.  The coaches noticed that I worked harder when my friend was around.  I do feel kind of an emotional connection with her, which is why it feels a little intense.  So they spent the time teasing me and my friend, as I'm male-presenting and my friend was GNC but female-presenting.  I preferred the first time I brought her.  There were more children in the class at the time.  She was helping me with a stretch and a kid just blurted out, "OMG, are you best friends??"  That's way better than being teased about liking her.

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frodobelle
On 8/28/2019 at 4:44 PM, starweb said:

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

I actually hadn't run into this externally, I more ran into a situation where I wasn't sure how careful to be in an exvangelical/exfundametalist group in wording an experience I had with an extremely homophobic church community and how it had affected me, even though I'm not homosexual. I felt like I should have been more careful in how I worded it/labeled the TW because someone had said they had felt angry on my behalf because they were gay and so we were in the same boat -- and I'm hetace and had felt that because we hadn't shared the same experience with homophobia growing up (me being straight-passing to the point that it took 3 hours to explain asexuality to my father, convince him I was ace, and that this was not going to wreck my marriage, ultimately resolving it by assuring him that my husband and I have plenty of sex regardless) -- anyway, I felt like because I hadn't been personally attacked by homophobic church members/teaching, that I should be extra careful when talking about the ways in which those teachings/members DID affect me. Because I personally felt that I was "basically straight" a bit, or at least straight-passing enough where it would be/come across as insensitive if I didn't.

 

My realization that het ace is in no way "basically straight" happened this past weekend, when I had the aforementioned 3 hour conversation with my dad and he just kept warning me over and over not to let being ace "wreck my marriage", and just couldn't compute that finding out I was ace actually SAVED my marriage. That he didn't relax and laugh it off until I told him about my habit tracker for sex. I laughed it off with him, but it still hurt. Having to tell your father how often you remind yourself to have sex with your husband because you're likely to forget in order to reassure said father that your sexuality is not threatening your marriage is not hetero-normative. Having to answer the question, "If you feel this way [ace], why did you get marrried?" is NOT hetero-normative. It's not straight, basic or otherwise.

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