#AsexualProblems

[firebird8]

8 hours ago, AmazingGrAce said:

When talk turns to celebrity crushes and you sit there thinking 'I can't really engage with any of this'. 

 

#AsexualProblems

Right? I always thought it was because I didn't know a lot of celebrities or something. I've always thought the whole celebrity crush thing was so strange.

[starweb]

12 hours ago, Fantastic Name said:

Slightly off-topic, but I think it's hilarious how ace exclusionists don't realize that excluding from us for not being "oppressed enough" is literally just oppression.

I do too, but I try and be generous and assume they're young and the reasoning part of their brain hasn't fully developed yet. The entry read like a young person.

 

If I find out this person is an adult, the gloves are coming off.

[SupercalifragilisticNugget]

13 hours ago, firebird8 said:

Right? I always thought it was because I didn't know a lot of celebrities or something. I've always thought the whole celebrity crush thing was so strange.

  It is strange, if you think about it.

  It would be like collecting pictures of your neighbours or random strangers off the street and picking which ones you might have crushes on. You don’t really know what kind of people they are or how they act on a daily basis, but eh, not important.

  The only difference between that and celebrity crushes is celebrities are famous for some reason and you’ve never actually seen them in person and probably never will... but eh, not important. 

[Laplace]

17 hours ago, firebird8 said:

Right? I always thought it was because I didn't know a lot of celebrities or something. I've always thought the whole celebrity crush thing was so strange.

Even if I was romantic, I would not crush on anyone I did not know. Besides, I’ve seen enough BS and scandals with celebrities that I wouldn’t want to go near them. I also prefer to remain out of the limelight; imagine having people like stalk you or threaten you daily cause you’ve taken their favorite celebrity. **** that.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

3 minutes ago, Laplace said:

Even if I was romantic, I would not crush on anyone I did not know. 

I mean, you can't really say that. You don't choose who you crush on.

[Fantastic Name]

12 minutes ago, Laplace said:

Even if I was romantic, I would not crush on anyone I did not know.

 

9 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I mean, you can't really say that. You don't choose who you crush on.

Yeah, it's a completely involuntary thing. Your brain just decides to start liking someone and you have no choice but to let it run its course. If people could pick and choose who they had a crush on whenever they wanted, things like dating sites and relationship counseling probably wouldn't exist.

 

Still, getting to choose when you have crushes and with whom would be super convenient…

[Anthracite_Impreza]

1 minute ago, Fantastic Name said:

Still, getting to choose when you have crushes and with whom would be super convenient…

But where would the fun be in that? I've had some rather unexpected mini crushes that were rather fun

[Fantastic Name]

Just now, Anthracite_Impreza said:

But where would the fun be in that? I've had some rather unexpected mini crushes that were rather fun

True! It would totally lose the thrill if it was voluntary. But, it would also eliminate the agony of unreciprocated love and all that.

 

I wish I could have it both ways. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

1 minute ago, Fantastic Name said:

True! It would totally lose the thrill if it was voluntary. But, it would also eliminate the agony of unreciprocated love and all that.

 

I wish I could have it both ways. 

I've only ever had a couple of crushes that I (at the time) wish I could have acted on, but sadly, they were all fictional

[Fantastic Name]

13 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I've only ever had a couple of crushes that I (at the time) wish I could have acted on, but sadly, they were all fictional

Oof, that's rough. I've been in the same situation before once. It's fun and thrilling at first, but after a while it gets emotionally taxing once reality sets in.

[Laplace]

28 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I mean, you can't really say that. You don't choose who you crush on.

I mean I suppose it is a more uncontrolled emotion, but my statement was more of a “I really don’t think I would” more than “oh I know how I would act no matter what.” As someone who is largely suspicious of and cynical about relationships, I just can’t imagine developing feelings for someone I didn’t personally trust heavily. Any crumb of affinity would be stamped out by an overriding need for security. To my selfish mind, any sense of attachment I have that is founded on impulse or has no avenue for growth is to be curbed. For example, I can enjoy and relate to fictional characters, but I could never imagine being attracted to them emotionally because I know they do not exist in real life. My personality always did kinda of give me a certain reputation when I was younger. Anyways, that’s why I worded that the way I did.

 

As for something that may seem less dark, I still don’t understand why it’s called a “crush.” You’d think it’d have a much less violent term associated with it.

[Skycaptain]

Crushes/squishes can be good and bad. In my case squish #1 my languages teacherette at school had the positive effect that I knuckled down and got good grades to impress them, but squish #2 (neither of us being aware that I subsequently identified as aro-ace) caused me issues as I was trying to be something I'm not 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

18 minutes ago, Laplace said:

As for something that may seem less dark, I still don’t understand why it’s called a “crush.” You’d think it’d have a much less violent term associated with it.

Cos it crushes you if it goes wrong?

[Skycaptain]

3 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Cos it crushes you if it goes wrong?

I hope not #IRL problems 

[Laplace]

9 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Cos it crushes you if it goes wrong?

Big ooooofs intensify.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I mean my crushes literally could crush me so #mechaproblems

[Bronztrooper]

On 7/11/2019 at 8:42 PM, nerdperson777 said:

Then I have a problem that is not necessarily about being ace or aro but I do have issues with connecting with others.  I'm probably going to be called cold by my family soon.  My first adult aunt just died yesterday.  (I say adult because one did die at 6 months old.)  I didn't know her all that well.  I just met her a few times.  She would be mentioned when we try to name all the siblings.  My relatives are now mourning but I'm not sure how to mourn someone that I hardly know?  Even when my last grandmother died, I thought I wasting my time at the funeral just sitting or standing around.  I probably have no feelings towards family because of my bad experience.  I care more about people who treat me nicely than someone I'm supposedly related to.  I talked about this with someone who said that I'm neutral about death, although when a friend died, I did feel it.  I knew that friend way better than a relative I hardly talked to.  Just because I don't feel sad about this, I'll probably be seen as heartless.  I never think about this woman even once every few years.  My mom and other aunts and uncles grew up with her, okay I see that, but I didn't.  Even when my dog died a few years ago, my dad decided for me that I was too sad to go to my scheduled activities when I wasn't.  Just because that's what I'm supposed to feel, doesn't mean I feel it.

I relate to this so much.  My great grandfather on my mom's father's side (who I saw once a year at most until he was put on Hospice care) died when I was in middle school and (nearly) everyone on my mom's side of the family was upset about it, while I didn't feel affected by it either way.  I knew I was supposed to feel bad, but it just felt like "Well, that's life" and I shrugged it off.  I mentioned it to a few people at school and they all said that they felt sorry for me, but I just told them that I wasn't that close to him so it didn't bother me, which earned a confused look from them most of the time.

 

I do remember reading this one thing about the differences between empathy, sympathy, and compassion as well as how people can only feel 1 or 2 out of the 3, and honestly, I feel like I have a lot of compassion, but very little, if any, empathy or sympathy.  Like, I know what I'm 'supposed' to say/do, but I never really empathize or sympathize with people and would much rather try to help people.  Still, it makes me feel rather detached from everyone from time to time, and not in a good way.

[firebird8]

21 minutes ago, Bronztrooper said:

 

I do remember reading this one thing about the differences between empathy, sympathy, and compassion as well as how people can only feel 1 or 2 out of the 3, and honestly, I feel like I have a lot of compassion, but very little, if any, empathy or sympathy.  Like, I know what I'm 'supposed' to say/do, but I never really empathize or sympathize with people and would much rather try to help people.  Still, it makes me feel rather detached from everyone from time to time, and not in a good way.

That's interesting. I have not heard of that idea. I don't find it odd that one would not feel a lot of grief for a family member that one didn't know. I am perfectly capable of feeling grief; I experienced the first death that really hurt when a family friend died of cancer when I was 8. I was sad though maybe not exactly old enough to understand grief when an authority figure in my life died when I was 4. A few years ago a good friend of mine died, also of cancer. But I don't experience raging storms of emotion because I'm not wired like that, and when my step father's sister-in-law died when I was in college I felt nothing. 

 

But I have, if anything, an abnormally highly developed sense of empathy. I'm not sure how sympathy or compassion are different from empathy, or at least, how they are not subsumed within it. I am often relieved when people die who are very ill, especially if they are also elderly and ready to go. That comes from empathy . I don't know how sympathy or compassion would produce a different result. Any of those words should mean that you look at a person in pain with no quality of life who isn't going to get better and says it's a mercy that death finally comes for us all. Empathy also understands when others are grieving but it doesn't mean you also grieve for yourself. Sympathy or compassion might be what you do as a result of understanding others are grieving. 

 

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear people are taking you cold. That is unkind. 

[Bronztrooper]

19 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

That's interesting. I have not heard of that idea. I don't find it odd that one would not feel a lot of grief for a family member that one didn't know. I am perfectly capable of feeling grief; I experienced the first death that really hurt when a family friend died of cancer when I was 8. I was sad though maybe not exactly old enough to understand grief when an authority figure in my life died when I was 4. A few years ago a good friend of mine died, also of cancer. But I don't experience raging storms of emotion because I'm not wired like that, and when my step father's sister-in-law died when I was in college I felt nothing. 

 

But I have, if anything, an abnormally highly developed sense of empathy. I'm not sure how sympathy or compassion are different from empathy, or at least, how they are not subsumed within it. I am often relieved when people die who are very ill, especially if they are also elderly and ready to go. That comes from empathy . I don't know how sympathy or compassion would produce a different result. Any of those words should mean that you look at a person in pain with no quality of life who isn't going to get better and says it's a mercy that death finally comes for us all. Empathy also understands when others are grieving but it doesn't mean you also grieve for yourself. Sympathy or compassion might be what you do as a result of understanding others are grieving. 

 

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear people are taking you cold. That is unkind. 

I guess one could say that I've been lucky since no one in my family that I'm close to has died- but then, I'm not exactly close to more than a couple of people in my family, so I guess it's to be expected.

 

The way it was described was basically this: empathy = I feel what you feel, sympathy = I know how you feel, and compassion = I want to help you.  Based on that, the only one that I actually seem to feel is compassion because I generally like helping people.

 

I didn't mean that people were claiming I'm cold, just that I feel that way about myself.

[Guest]

13 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Cos it crushes you if it goes wrong?

I’m glad then that I’ve never had a crush on anyone, at least, not in the way people normally think. There are celebrities I think are good looking, and if I ever met them I’d ask for a photo or autograph. There was one teacher I had that I thought was cute so I tried to do well In their class because they seemed to genuinely be happy when their students did well. My niece’s boss is cute.

 

But none of these were things were I felt I would be sad if I didn’t end up in a relationship with any of them. Celebrities are obviously unobtainable and unrealistic so those don’t count as crushes imo. My teacher was cute but also I didn’t want anything but for them to be happy. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Is that an asexual thing? It’s like allos would think “I want to frickfrack / date / kiss / hug / whatever  this person,” and I’m like “I want this person to be happy. I want them not to be stressed and I want to take them cookies on Christmas and I hope the other students aren’t too rude today.” 

 

I can’t really imagine myself being in a relationship with anyone. Eventually I’d like a QPR because I feel isolated sometimes, but other times I think I like the IDEA of a QPR more than I’d like an ACTUAL QPR. I’ve never been in a relationship so I can’t say, but the closest thing I’ve had was one stranger complimenting my appearance {doesn’t happen like, ever, I’m pretty ugly haha}. And that made me uncomfortable. Like, what? No. First of all that’s kind of unsettling. I think lots of people are aesthetically pleasing but I don’t tell them so because that puts them in a weird spot. And second of all I’m trash. So if anyone did genuinely like me, I feel sorry for them for having standards so low. Someone liking me would be like ordering a McDonald’s dollar menu burger instead of going to Seasons 52.

[Shiloh_Rose]

 

12 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

I relate to this so much.  My great grandfather on my mom's father's side (who I saw once a year at most until he was put on Hospice care) died when I was in middle school and (nearly) everyone on my mom's side of the family was upset about it, while I didn't feel affected by it either way.  I knew I was supposed to feel bad, but it just felt like "Well, that's life" and I shrugged it off.  I mentioned it to a few people at school and they all said that they felt sorry for me, but I just told them that I wasn't that close to him so it didn't bother me, which earned a confused look from them most of the time.

 

I do remember reading this one thing about the differences between empathy, sympathy, and compassion as well as how people can only feel 1 or 2 out of the 3, and honestly, I feel like I have a lot of compassion, but very little, if any, empathy or sympathy.  Like, I know what I'm 'supposed' to say/do, but I never really empathize or sympathize with people and would much rather try to help people.  Still, it makes me feel rather detached from everyone from time to time, and not in a good way.

I'm the same way, I've had many discussion/'why don't I really feel anything?' talks with like my mum or a couple other people about this-I pretty much never cry at funerals or when someone dies. I've cried sometimes when my pets die actually, but when it comes to people, almost never. And I don't know why. Sometimes I'm not even sad. It's just like... 'they died, and it sucks because they're not here now, but not like I can change it/wtf that is a sh!tey way to die why the f#ck would someone do that to someone.' but it's just not... there.

And it wouldn't bother me except that it seems literally everyone is so, so broken up and sad about deaths and stuff and I generally don't feel anything. I don't know if it has to do with brain things, because if I'm watching a movie or a show its much easier to care and get caught up in things and definitely be sad/more enraged at deaths and stuff or certain situations. Maybe because there's nobody 'watching' and I don't 'have' to be certain way, nothing is expected? But I never feel much at ease around many people.
Like it might be performance thing, like 'this is how you're supposed to act/react/reply when this happens' which I don't really get? Same thing with thanking people or being super excited about something, it feels disingenuous and 'fake' to me especially if you have to keep doing it(which is why along with because my internet is carp I could never become say, a streamer or something because I would just not get excited or super-thankful and emotive about people giving bits or subscribing or whatever; rather I would just feel anxious). And its like the words are just wrong in my throat, and I can't. It might be that mimic thing like I just don't get it but I'll mimic it but there are some things I can't really. But I don't think I'm autistic. But I could be. I mean. I have similar brain thing and that's what I've been tested for, and lots of people with my brain stuff are also autistic. I don't even know.
They say it doesn't matter, except it does, because yeah, they're often like 'why aren't you being x/y/z' after some number of times.
Um lots of stuff so...
--------------------------------------------
when almost every time you look at comments on some kinda tumblr thing, or video about women, or video with women in it, inevitably, there are cheesecakes on there going 'but we would all die out!/ women need partners!/women need to have children!/you're just faking!/why do they not have someone/having kids is greatest gift and responsibility ever you will not regret it its your purpose/they just need a man' kind of stuff. 🙄 (this from my perspective, as woman) And I wish could say 'could you just not?' : p Can I see more things that don't involve those kind of comments, like everybody is different, buddy, so.
Cause most everyyyybody here is well aware of how we shouldn't have sex but should have sex but shouldn't have sex before marriage but we should because it doesn't matter but we'd better not be attracted to *everybody* because that would be weird, but we shouldn't actually be attracted to anyone only our partners but if we feel no attraction well that's just weird but no isn't that *deity's name* just keeping us from sinning and heartbreak and then we will suddenly come alive in our sexuality that we don't have like magic, ... etc.

[MCLoves]

People who think “I’ll be the one to change that” when they hear about your physical boundaries #AsexualProblems

[Destan]

I personally think that you're not cold/heartless if you don't feel sad about a relative/someone that's close as family who died.

It's a natural thing. You didn't hear, see, meet or knew them enough/not at all that you couldn't connect to them so their death doesn't affect you. 

When my grandfathers on both sides died, I felt nothing.

My father's dad died when I was little (maybe around 8 y/o), I didn't even go to his funeral (different continents).

I hardly remember him because he almost had no presence in my life. Growing up, I didn't hear much about him as a person either.

At my mothers side, he died last year. We saw each other often until I was around 8 y/o or younger, but I visited him again twice before his death.

Though I saw him often when I was little, we almost didn't interact. He was more like an observer than a grandfather from what I remember.

I went to his funeral even though I didn't want to because of my unpleasant relatives and was a little bit of waste of time.

 

However, I do feel bad when fictional characters or actors/actresses (that I've seen a few times) die.

That's because I had the chance to get to know and see them unlike my grandfathers. 

[nerdperson777]

On 7/12/2019 at 2:33 PM, Laplace said:

I mean I suppose it is a more uncontrolled emotion, but my statement was more of a “I really don’t think I would” more than “oh I know how I would act no matter what.” As someone who is largely suspicious of and cynical about relationships, I just can’t imagine developing feelings for someone I didn’t personally trust heavily. Any crumb of affinity would be stamped out by an overriding need for security. To my selfish mind, any sense of attachment I have that is founded on impulse or has no avenue for growth is to be curbed. For example, I can enjoy and relate to fictional characters, but I could never imagine being attracted to them emotionally because I know they do not exist in real life. My personality always did kinda of give me a certain reputation when I was younger. Anyways, that’s why I worded that the way I did.

 

As for something that may seem less dark, I still don’t understand why it’s called a “crush.” You’d think it’d have a much less violent term associated with it.

My interpretation of what you meant was that if the attractions you were feeling that weren't sexual/romantic, were those things.  If I were to binarize my gender to male, and if my attractions/preferences to feminine people were sexual/romantic rather than platonic, I would be considered a straight male.  My attractions would still be demi/grey at best, but that wouldn't affect that straight male scenario.

 

On 7/12/2019 at 7:19 PM, Bronztrooper said:

I relate to this so much.  My great grandfather on my mom's father's side (who I saw once a year at most until he was put on Hospice care) died when I was in middle school and (nearly) everyone on my mom's side of the family was upset about it, while I didn't feel affected by it either way.  I knew I was supposed to feel bad, but it just felt like "Well, that's life" and I shrugged it off.  I mentioned it to a few people at school and they all said that they felt sorry for me, but I just told them that I wasn't that close to him so it didn't bother me, which earned a confused look from them most of the time.

 

I do remember reading this one thing about the differences between empathy, sympathy, and compassion as well as how people can only feel 1 or 2 out of the 3, and honestly, I feel like I have a lot of compassion, but very little, if any, empathy or sympathy.  Like, I know what I'm 'supposed' to say/do, but I never really empathize or sympathize with people and would much rather try to help people.  Still, it makes me feel rather detached from everyone from time to time, and not in a good way.

I also have compassion, but only in recent years, have I tried understanding empathy and sympathy.  I've always tried my best to be a good person, helping others, so there's my compassion.  Empathy and sympathy is still lacking at times.

 

My dog died suddenly a few years ago, dead within 12 hours of symptoms.  I was supposed to go to a group practice but I was stuck at the vet.  After we learned that he didn't make it, I told my parents that I still needed to be at practice.  It would be the last one before I had to fly back to college.  Dad said that I should tell my group that I was too sad to go to practice and just skip.  I wasn't sad at all.  Why would I say that?  Then after practice and after dinner, I went to work on my unfinished art projects.  My parents were surprised at my behavior.  Why was I still working on my projects the night before going back to school?  I was actually told that I seemed heartless at the fact that our dog was gone.  But I'd say that I have delayed reactions to quite a few things.  At that point in time, I think I was still not accepting that he was gone.  I was expecting to go home and he'd be there waiting for us.  I didn't believe that he was actually dead.  I cried a little bit 2-3 days later, but that was it.  Even at that point in time, I don't think I understood grieving over death.

 

On 7/12/2019 at 7:53 PM, firebird8 said:

That's interesting. I have not heard of that idea. I don't find it odd that one would not feel a lot of grief for a family member that one didn't know. I am perfectly capable of feeling grief; I experienced the first death that really hurt when a family friend died of cancer when I was 8. I was sad though maybe not exactly old enough to understand grief when an authority figure in my life died when I was 4. A few years ago a good friend of mine died, also of cancer. But I don't experience raging storms of emotion because I'm not wired like that, and when my step father's sister-in-law died when I was in college I felt nothing. 

 

But I have, if anything, an abnormally highly developed sense of empathy. I'm not sure how sympathy or compassion are different from empathy, or at least, how they are not subsumed within it. I am often relieved when people die who are very ill, especially if they are also elderly and ready to go. That comes from empathy . I don't know how sympathy or compassion would produce a different result. Any of those words should mean that you look at a person in pain with no quality of life who isn't going to get better and says it's a mercy that death finally comes for us all. Empathy also understands when others are grieving but it doesn't mean you also grieve for yourself. Sympathy or compassion might be what you do as a result of understanding others are grieving. 

 

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear people are taking you cold. That is unkind. 

Grief is probably only something I understood more recently too.  I had a friend who moved out of state to escape unaccepting family.  I was away from my phone for a few hours so I did not know what was going on.  Another friend was texting her at the time.  That friend posted in a chat group we were in that the friend who moved, got hit by a car and was badly injured.  I learned that at about 1 in the morning.  Then I get a call at like 3 in the morning that she didn't make it.  Turned out that she threw herself in front of a car, essentially committing suicide.  I wanted to sleep so I didn't think much of it, but I did feel the grief and mourning in the morning.  That's the fastest I've ever felt grief.  It also lasted for up to 3 days, I can't remember exactly, but more than 1.  I just took this as I learned how to feel again, since I had suppressed my emotions for far too long.

 

I would say sympathy is feeling bad for the person and empathy is feeling bad with the person.  To me, compassion is being nice to people, helping them out, and cultivating a personal connection.

 

21 hours ago, i.r3beka said:

I can’t really imagine myself being in a relationship with anyone. Eventually I’d like a QPR because I feel isolated sometimes, but other times I think I like the IDEA of a QPR more than I’d like an ACTUAL QPR. I’ve never been in a relationship so I can’t say, but the closest thing I’ve had was one stranger complimenting my appearance {doesn’t happen like, ever, I’m pretty ugly haha}. And that made me uncomfortable. Like, what? No. First of all that’s kind of unsettling. I think lots of people are aesthetically pleasing but I don’t tell them so because that puts them in a weird spot. And second of all I’m trash. So if anyone did genuinely like me, I feel sorry for them for having standards so low. Someone liking me would be like ordering a McDonald’s dollar menu burger instead of going to Seasons 52.

I think I like the idea more than the actual one also.  I had a one-sided one a few years ago, and I pushed the other person away because I was kind of obsessive that someone finally paid attention to me and I wanted it all for myself.  They weren't totally in the right either but I shouldn't have expected it anyway, when they were partnered and monogamous.  We do talk again, but I fear that if I get close again, I'll go back to being obsessive.  I'm no longer obsessed, but I don't want to subject anyone to it.  Perhaps having too many emotions is detrimental to me anyway, but it's not like I know how to deal with that much emotion.  In my obsessive stage, the only thing on my mind all the time was cuddling the other person.  I really can't get anything done if that's the case.  People might find it sad and pity me, but I rather not turn into a monster again.

 

15 hours ago, Destan said:

I personally think that you're not cold/heartless if you don't feel sad about a relative/someone that's close as family who died.

It's a natural thing. You didn't hear, see, meet or knew them enough/not at all that you couldn't connect to them so their death doesn't affect you. 

When my grandfathers on both sides died, I felt nothing.

My father's dad died when I was little (maybe around 8 y/o), I didn't even go to his funeral (different continents).

I hardly remember him because he almost had no presence in my life. Growing up, I didn't hear much about him as a person either.

At my mothers side, he died last year. We saw each other often until I was around 8 y/o or younger, but I visited him again twice before his death.

Though I saw him often when I was little, we almost didn't interact. He was more like an observer than a grandfather from what I remember.

I went to his funeral even though I didn't want to because of my unpleasant relatives and was a little bit of waste of time.

 

However, I do feel bad when fictional characters or actors/actresses (that I've seen a few times) die.

That's because I had the chance to get to know and see them unlike my grandfathers. 

My grandfathers died a decade before I was born so I never got to meet them.  Then the first grandmother to die, died when I was not even 3.  The last one was when I was 12.  I was not old enough to understand death at age 3 and I was told that I didn't even attend the funeral because I was too young.  The one I mentioned earlier was for the last grandmother.  My dad still continued to say for me that my grandmother's death had an impact on me, even though it didn't.  He said that of all her grandchildren, she spent the most time with me so I should be grateful for it.  I didn't feel for her, I didn't even like her, mostly because she defied anything my dad said, even if it was for her safety.  I found her annoying for that instead.  "Don't go up the stairs, because you could fall and hurt yourself."  She went upstairs anyway.  And little me was miffed that she asked for a tub of water be brought to her.  I hadn't thought it out at the time, but I filled a tub upstairs, brought a tub full of water down the stairs.  She then proceeded to tell me that she didn't want this and dumped all the water I carried down, down the drain.  I felt more than patient with her.

 

Only a few fictional stories have given me that feeling.

[I'mTheDecoy]

On 7/12/2019 at 9:54 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I've only ever had a couple of crushes that I (at the time) wish I could have acted on, but sadly, they were all fictional

Do you mean that the crushes were on fictional characters?

 

On 7/12/2019 at 10:33 PM, Laplace said:

As someone who is largely suspicious of and cynical about relationships, I just can’t imagine developing feelings for someone I didn’t personally trust heavily. Any crumb of affinity would be stamped out by an overriding need for security. To my selfish mind, any sense of attachment I have that is founded on impulse or has no avenue for growth is to be curbed. For example, I can enjoy and relate to fictional characters, but I could never imagine being attracted to them emotionally because I know they do not exist in real life.

It's interesting how us humans are all wired completely differently!  Personally when I get a crush - or rather a squish - it is on people I barely know.  Like there is this lovely girl at work who always smiles at me, says hello and asks me how I am, and I love her for it - she makes me happy every time I see her because she is like a ray of sunshine in person-form.  This makes me kind of giddy and nervous around her and incapable of actually speaking to her properly.  So I know that she must think almost nothing of me, because we have no relationship at all.  And when I stop to think about it, I couldn't telly you ANYTHING about her.  I know nothing other than her name and her job.  But that's how I want to keep it.  If I actually got to know her, the squish would fade away because she would become something real and tangible with flaws and issues and attachments.  So long as she is just shiny sunny happy girl, she is perfect and I am terrified of losing that.  As for fictional characters, those are the only people I have ever had crushes on, because you get everything on a plate - you don't have to do any work towards the relationship.  

 

On 7/12/2019 at 10:34 PM, Skycaptain said:

Crushes/squishes can be good and bad. In my case squish #1 my languages teacherette at school had the positive effect that I knuckled down and got good grades to impress them, but squish #2 (neither of us being aware that I subsequently identified as aro-ace) caused me issues as I was trying to be something I'm not 

I find they can be good in that they excite or motivate me, but bad in that they make me nervous and intimidated.  Like I start off wanting to impress and end up twisted with anxiety that I can never be to them what they are to me.

 

 

On 7/13/2019 at 3:19 AM, Bronztrooper said:

I do remember reading this one thing about the differences between empathy, sympathy, and compassion as well as how people can only feel 1 or 2 out of the 3, and honestly, I feel like I have a lot of compassion, but very little, if any, empathy or sympathy.  Like, I know what I'm 'supposed' to say/do, but I never really empathize or sympathize with people and would much rather try to help people.  Still, it makes me feel rather detached from everyone from time to time, and not in a good way.

I am confused what the difference between these three thing is.  Could someone explain please.

 

20 hours ago, MCLoves said:

People who think “I’ll be the one to change that” when they hear about your physical boundaries #AsexualProblems

How do people say or think that without realising that is a rapist kind of attitude.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

2 hours ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

Do you mean that the crushes were on fictional characters?

Yeah.

[Snao Cone]

Too many posts far back to bother quoting, but I do think there is an element of choice in crushes, at least which ones you let down certain paths of developing emotions towards them. We're in more control of emotions than we may lead on. Saying you have no choice in something is shedding personal responsibility for good decisions. If you start to feel a budding crush on a person who would be an unhealthy addition to your life, you can work on curbing your feelings.

[J. van Deijck]

my friend: *talking about a guy we saw* he is gay.

me: what? cheesecake?

[Guest]

11 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I think I like the idea more than the actual one also.  I had a one-sided one a few years ago, and I pushed the other person away because I was kind of obsessive that someone finally paid attention to me and I wanted it all for myself.  They weren't totally in the right either but I shouldn't have expected it anyway, when they were partnered and monogamous.  We do talk again, but I fear that if I get close again, I'll go back to being obsessive.  I'm no longer obsessed, but I don't want to subject anyone to it.  Perhaps having too many emotions is detrimental to me anyway, but it's not like I know how to deal with that much emotion.  In my obsessive stage, the only thing on my mind all the time was cuddling the other person.  I really can't get anything done if that's the case.  People might find it sad and pity me, but I rather not turn into a monster again.

I get it. Relationships are odd because they either end in a break up or in some permanent arrangement like marriage or cohabitation. Relationships sound nice AS AN IDEA, cuddling with someone, watching movies, having someone to check the house with at night when you hear a strange sound. But as an ACTUAL THING I don’t think I’d be good in one. I’d always be worried about someone upgrading, and I don’t think I’d want to get emotionally invested in something that most likely would end. Maybe that’s just me being an avoidant Personality idk.

 

I don’t think what you said is odd or pityable. If relationships put you in a bad headspace it’s good that you are aware of that and understand that. This isn’t to say you can’t / aren’t allowed to be in a relationship, just that if you feel they are detrimental to your personal growth, that’s a good thing that you aren’t pursuing one at this time.

 

I personally don’t pity people for honest self assessments. And it’s a pet peeve of mine when people pity or try to correct me for mine. Like when I say I’m ugly or something and people go “awww you’re not.” Thats not seeking pity, it’s a statement of fact. I, in my own opinion, am ugly, and I sort of wish people wouldn’t take that as a cue to try to correct me. It’s simply a statement of fact. I think Chinese crested dogs and orange furniture are ugly as well, and nobody calls me on that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think trying to correct people for self assessment is counter to their growth. If someone said “I’m an alcoholic I need help,” telling them “noooo, you’re fine!” Wouldn’t be helping them. 

[Liana]

12 hours ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

It's interesting how us humans are all wired completely differently!  Personally when I get a crush - or rather a squish - it is on people I barely know.  Like there is this lovely girl at work who always smiles at me, says hello and asks me how I am, and I love her for it - she makes me happy every time I see her because she is like a ray of sunshine in person-form.  This makes me kind of giddy and nervous around her and incapable of actually speaking to her properly.  So I know that she must think almost nothing of me, because we have no relationship at all.  And when I stop to think about it, I couldn't telly you ANYTHING about her.  I know nothing other than her name and her job.  But that's how I want to keep it.  If I actually got to know her, the squish would fade away because she would become something real and tangible with flaws and issues and attachments.  So long as she is just shiny sunny happy girl, she is perfect and I am terrified of losing that.  As for fictional characters, those are the only people I have ever had crushes on, because you get everything on a plate - you don't have to do any work towards the relationship.  

The few times that I’ve developed a crush on someone, it’s always been after I’ve talked with them for a few weeks. I’ve never looked at a random person and thought about wanting to be with them.