#AsexualProblems

[DragonSpirit]

15 hours ago, starweb said:

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

It's ridiculous to keep people out because they're "not queer enough." I wouldn't consider myself a part of the LGBT+ community, but I know many aces do. So while the issue doesn't affect me personally, it upsets me on behalf of all the other excluded aces out there. They have even less "reasons" to keep out bi and pan people.

[nerdperson777]

On 8/28/2019 at 2:44 PM, starweb said:

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

I would say that members of the community often get oppressed for who they are.  These people who are gatekeeping are being the oppression themselves.  It's not gatekeeping Olympics.  We're all oppressed and we should work together to have everyone not need to worry about it happening to them.

 

 

Some ace moments:

I was told that someone was playing DnD and their group was trying to infiltrate a party.  The DM decided that everyone at the party was pansexual and that person had to roll to not get hit on at the party.  If they got a 1, the partygoer would be hard to get rid of.  I'm just like ha, my problems.

 

Then last night I brought my friend to class, because every two months, we are allowed to bring a friend, and I always bring the same friend.  Normally it's so people can introduce their friends who don't know the topic to get an intro and maybe sign up.  The coaches noticed that I worked harder when my friend was around.  I do feel kind of an emotional connection with her, which is why it feels a little intense.  So they spent the time teasing me and my friend, as I'm male-presenting and my friend was GNC but female-presenting.  I preferred the first time I brought her.  There were more children in the class at the time.  She was helping me with a stretch and a kid just blurted out, "OMG, are you best friends??"  That's way better than being teased about liking her.

[frodobelle]

On 8/28/2019 at 4:44 PM, starweb said:

I was accepted into a facebook ACE group and one of the first things I saw was someone saying het-aces are basically straight and don't belong in the LGBT community.  I'm so tired of that kind of talk that I immediately left the group. 

 

Thing is, I don't particularly care if we are part of the LGBT, that's not the point. I'm tired of people gate keeping people making pronouncements  telling me where and where I don't belong. I've reached the point where I just walk away when it starts.

 

And no, we're not basically straight. We're basically asexual. 

I actually hadn't run into this externally, I more ran into a situation where I wasn't sure how careful to be in an exvangelical/exfundametalist group in wording an experience I had with an extremely homophobic church community and how it had affected me, even though I'm not homosexual. I felt like I should have been more careful in how I worded it/labeled the TW because someone had said they had felt angry on my behalf because they were gay and so we were in the same boat -- and I'm hetace and had felt that because we hadn't shared the same experience with homophobia growing up (me being straight-passing to the point that it took 3 hours to explain asexuality to my father, convince him I was ace, and that this was not going to wreck my marriage, ultimately resolving it by assuring him that my husband and I have plenty of sex regardless) -- anyway, I felt like because I hadn't been personally attacked by homophobic church members/teaching, that I should be extra careful when talking about the ways in which those teachings/members DID affect me. Because I personally felt that I was "basically straight" a bit, or at least straight-passing enough where it would be/come across as insensitive if I didn't.

 

My realization that het ace is in no way "basically straight" happened this past weekend, when I had the aforementioned 3 hour conversation with my dad and he just kept warning me over and over not to let being ace "wreck my marriage", and just couldn't compute that finding out I was ace actually SAVED my marriage. That he didn't relax and laugh it off until I told him about my habit tracker for sex. I laughed it off with him, but it still hurt. Having to tell your father how often you remind yourself to have sex with your husband because you're likely to forget in order to reassure said father that your sexuality is not threatening your marriage is not hetero-normative. Having to answer the question, "If you feel this way [ace], why did you get marrried?" is NOT hetero-normative. It's not straight, basic or otherwise.

[Auld_Mulk]

On 8/24/2019 at 9:27 PM, LightR4y said:

Always being the third wheel. I'm walking home alone at 4am because I was practically in the way

Wow, so this!

 

I remember back in high school for March break three of us went to Montreal because the drinking age is a year younger.  We went to the bars and my two friends started talking to these two girls.  They were having a great time.  Somehow we (they) got invited back to these two girls' apartment.  I was confused at how my friends were acting and really didn't want to be a fifth wheel.  I stayed out in the car (3 am winter in Canada) for the hour or so my friends were 'hooking up'. 

 

They told me nothing happened and that I could have gone in.  I have no regrets. 

[Laplace]

I hate being the odd wheel cause everyone already is focused on another particular person and you just feel like some sideshow a lot of the time. Like you might be included in the conversations on occasion but your approval and enjoyment matters less 😕.

[naakka]

2 hours ago, Laplace said:

and you just feel like some sideshow a lot of the time.

This so much 😐 it comes back to the idea that the allo milestones in life (having a crush, starting dating, moving together, getting engaged and married, having children...) are the things that are supposed to make your life meaningful and you "the main character of your life". Often times I get a feeling people don't even consider/know how to talk about other subjects with someone they're not personally most close with. Like, these are the default subjects to talk about with everyone 😒

[Anthracite_Impreza]

22 hours ago, naakka said:

Like, these are the default subjects to talk about with everyone

I've literally never asked anyone if they have a partner or kids, that's their prerogative to bring up if they wanna. Mostly, for obvious reasons, I get asked, and talk, a lot about choo choos.

[naakka]

10 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I've literally never asked anyone if they have a partner or kids, that's their prerogative to bring up if they wanna. Mostly, for obvious reasons, I get asked, and talk, a lot about choo choos.

I feel the same way, it feels like spying to ask such personal things for no reason. And what I'm supposed to do with that kind of information? Base my image of their personality on that? On the other hand, if the person themselves want to talk about their partner/ family, I can conclude these things indeed are an important part of their life, they're a loving partner/parent etc.

[a_freaking_lenon]

"It's just hormone imbalance, honey. You just need to get healthier" #asexualproblems 

Edited September 3, 2019 by a_freaking_lenon

[a_freaking_lenon]

Also, never understanding the difference between liking someone as a person and liking-liking them. That ensued sooo many awkward conversations  

[cp1213]

This was a while ago but my blood is boiling at the thought of it.

 

I was eating lunch when I heard  some of my classmates talking about asexuality. One person piped up that her sister is asexual when another chimed in that people choose to be asexual and that it is not a real orientation. They continued blabbering on how asexual people are lonely and that they need a partner to be happy, but since they can’t get one, they are trying to stand out from the crowd by being asexual. I was fuming inside but decided not to interfere, for it would make the situation worse since the person is so close-minded.  To add the cherry on top, some people even agreed with them.

 

In conclusion, acephobia exists and that asexuality is not understood and accepted.

 

[starweb]

11 hours ago, a_freaking_lenon said:

"It's just hormone imbalance, honey. You just need to get healthier" #asexualproblems 

 

One of the good things about being diabetic. Semi-annual bloodwork. My hormones are fine.

[Comrade F&F]

Haha, hormone imbalances. As if that answers all medical questions.

 

I, as an asexual person, have a healthy lifestyle and a healthy libido. Let me tell you, it does absolutely nothing for me.

[Janus the Fox]

As a person with normal hormone issues, eat well, sleep well, hydrate well, normal weight and exercise regularly, all the steps to actually improve libido and the sex life in general, there’s still nothing there for me still.  That’s how normal a lack of sexual attraction and low libido is for me.

 

But often people like to point blank look at anything else, not related to sex and sexuality and point that as the problem.

[twetzel59]

Ok, I've got to stop saying "I love him/her/them" for people I like as fellow humans.

 

Somehow female-presenting people get away with this, but I've been taken for gay a few times. I'm about ready to run with it lol.

 

#AsexualProblems

Edited September 5, 2019 by twetzel59
spelling

[Snao Cone]

2 minutes ago, twetzel59 said:

Ok, I've got to stop saying "I live him/her/them" for people I like as fellow humans.

 

Somehow female-presenting people get away with this, but I've been taken for gay a few times. I'm about ready to run with it lol.

 

#AsexualProblems

Yeah, it's an unfortunate double standard that men/AMAB folks can't express positive feelings about another person without some kind of stigma. Totally unfair. And by being a woman who's rather unemotional towards people, I'm sometimes perceived as defective in some way.

[twetzel59]

1 minute ago, Snao van der Cone said:

Yeah, it's an unfortunate double standard that men/AMAB folks can't express positive feelings about another person without some kind of stigma. Totally unfair. And by being a woman who's rather unemotional towards people, I'm sometimes perceived as defective in some way.

Can gendered expectations just die? Tomorrow by the time I wake up? My next birthday wish 😐

[a_freaking_lenon]

On 9/3/2019 at 10:10 PM, starweb said:

 

One of the good things about being diabetic. Semi-annual bloodwork. My hormones are fine.

Wow, high five. T1 or T2? I've been diagnosed when i was 2 years old with t1 🙃 

[starweb]

10 hours ago, a_freaking_lenon said:

Wow, high five. T1 or T2? I've been diagnosed when i was 2 years old with t1 🙃 

I'm T2. Mine is genetic. I'm part Native American and everyone else in the family had it. I was pre for a long time, lived as healthy as I could but I knew it would happen, eventually.

 

 

 

[PittAce92]

On 8/24/2019 at 4:16 PM, SkyenAutowegCaptain said:

A Sex Pistol? 

That is great! 

[PittAce92]

On 8/23/2019 at 10:42 AM, arakaze_24e said:

"you don't even know if you're asexual"

 

-my mom, circa like a week ago i think

 

#AsexualProblems

I would say, "You don't know me, you don't know my story!"  

[nerdperson777]

On 9/2/2019 at 10:11 PM, naakka said:

I feel the same way, it feels like spying to ask such personal things for no reason. And what I'm supposed to do with that kind of information? Base my image of their personality on that? On the other hand, if the person themselves want to talk about their partner/ family, I can conclude these things indeed are an important part of their life, they're a loving partner/parent etc.

I'm not sure if it's totally an ace thing.  My mom always likes to know details about people I've interacted with, even if she doesn't interact with them.  (She's ace by the not having sex definition but I have no idea if she experiences attraction or not.)  Whenever I get a friend, she tends to be up in my face how they're like and what we did when we hung out.  She also would ask about their families.  I've had two friends who never said anything about their dads.  The first one, I took an extracurricular class with her for many years and her mom always picked her up.  The second friend, I just knew she lived with a mom and an uncle.  Anyway, my mom keeps asking these invasive questions about my friends that I don't know the answer to.  She keeps insisting that I should ask them, and says it in a tone that blames me for not being curious enough to ask.  I keep a "if they want to tell me, they'll tell me" idea about it.  She thinks that she's absolutely trustworthy so there's no issue giving her info that she wants.  But even at my work, it's healthcare.  Medical data is incredibly sensitive.  I asked her for help on something in Excel, since she had many years of experience in it.  I hid the column that had patient names in it and she demanded me to leave it open in case she could utilize it.  I don't care how trustworthy you think you are in that you'll never leak out this info or whatever, but it's part of my work contract to not give out personal info.  She has even asked for the file itself to work on, instead of just looking at my computer.  I know you won't do anything malicious with it, but the present world is easy to hack and prone to data being stolen.  Back on topic, I never asked the first friend about her dad and the second friend, it turned out her dad died in an accident.  I know that it's a trauma.  People could've had something bad happen to their parents, or they were abusive, or whatever.  That's why I don't ask.  I don't want to bring up bad memories.  I rather not know than make them relive a bad experience.  And I'm going to do all that just so my mom can have the info she wants.

 

22 hours ago, starweb said:

I'm T2. Mine is genetic. I'm part Native American and everyone else in the family had it. I was pre for a long time, lived as healthy as I could but I knew it would happen, eventually.

The clinical team at my work has helped people reverse diabetes and since I don't have any knowledge about diabetes, I was surprised that the rest of the world is actually stuck with it.  I started hearing stories about how it's a lifelong disease and you're stuck on medication forever.  My roommate says that they're going to get diabetes eventually and I didn't realize how much this affected people.  I'll just put it out there that it is possible to no longer be diabetic, but by the looks of my work, it involves an extremely healthy diet and I'm not sure what specific things they say to have a lot of or limit.

[Aloney]

Eeeeehhh, lately been wondering if I'm kinda aro on top of being ace. I always thought I'm pretty romantic, what with me loving manga or series or movies or books with people I like, getting together, but... My own life..??? Currently I don't feel any need for a partner. When I think about it, my first thought is "I don't know, maybe could be interesting to try once?" Emphasis on "try". Not, a dedicated relationship and a white picket fence -type. I can't see myself living with someone I'm in a romantic relationship with. At the very most, maybe a queer-platonic relationship. I have kissed people before and usually it doesn't feel like anything for me and I either get bored or uncomfortable, but the only time I kind of relaxed while kissing was, while kissing my very ultimately straight female friend. I guess the thought behind that was "there will be no feelings whatsoever attached to this". Felt relieving. Also, my concerns about living life without a partner mostly center on "I want a nice house but it'll be so difficult to afford one alone". 

[DragonSpirit]

More like "aromantic problems:"

 

Whenever I am friends with boys at school, all my friends ship us. Very loudly. Ugh

Very frustrated every time a perfectly good boy-girl friendship in a book is ruined when the author decides to makes it romantic for no reason. Apparently there is no such thing as a non-romantic, non-sexual relationship betweem a female and male unless one is younger than 12, because it happens every. Single. Dang. Time.

[Laplace]

2 hours ago, DragonSpirit said:

More like "aromantic problems:"

 

Whenever I am friends with boys at school, all my friends ship us. Very loudly. Ugh

Very frustrated every time a perfectly good boy-girl friendship in a book is ruined when the author decides to makes it romantic for no reason. Apparently there is no such thing as a non-romantic, non-sexual relationship betweem a female and male unless one is younger than 12, because it happens every. Single. Dang. Time.

It’s really sad cause platonic relationships between two characters of different genders are really cool when done well. No need for annoying romance drama, just two characters being comfortable with being friends.

[ColeHW34]

8 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

But even at my work, it's healthcare.  Medical data is incredibly sensitive.  I asked her for help on something in Excel, since she had many years of experience in it.  I hid the column that had patient names in it and she demanded me to leave it open in case she could utilize it.  I don't care how trustworthy you think you are in that you'll never leak out this info or whatever, but it's part of my work contract to not give out personal info.  She has even asked for the file itself to work on, instead of just looking at my computer.  I know you won't do anything malicious with it, but the present world is easy to hack and prone to data being stolen. 

Yikes.

[naakka]

8 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Back on topic, I never asked the first friend about her dad and the second friend, it turned out her dad died in an accident.  I know that it's a trauma.  People could've had something bad happen to their parents, or they were abusive, or whatever.  That's why I don't ask.  I don't want to bring up bad memories.  I rather not know than make them relive a bad experience.  And I'm going to do all that just so my mom can have the info she wants.

That's a good point. I couldn't pinpoint why it feels wrong to ask any type of personal questions, that's indeed one important point. I rather trust the person to tell me about the things that are important part of their character. Which is probably why I often hear I'm good at listening people.

 

It feels more interesting and authentic than just base your image of someone on questions you could come up with. For example one of the two extremely nosy friends of mine, have probably made huge amount of profilization of my character based on the fact I'm not dating, even if dating really is an unimportant thing to me. I don't know how to get the message to her without comin out, since she only asks questions that assume I am looking for a partner lol (even if I've told her I'm not).

 

And yea, it's actually the same with my mum. Somehow she makes me feel like I'm a bad friend because of I don't know/remember all the trivia about my friends' families and lives.

[naakka]

5 hours ago, Aloney said:

Eeeeehhh, lately been wondering if I'm kinda aro on top of being ace. I always thought I'm pretty romantic, what with me loving manga or series or movies or books with people I like, getting together, but... My own life..??? Currently I don't feel any need for a partner. When I think about it, my first thought is "I don't know, maybe could be interesting to try once?" Emphasis on "try". Not, a dedicated relationship and a white picket fence -type. I can't see myself living with someone I'm in a romantic relationship with. At the very most, maybe a queer-platonic relationship. I have kissed people before and usually it doesn't feel like anything for me and I either get bored or uncomfortable, but the only time I kind of relaxed while kissing was, while kissing my very ultimately straight female friend. I guess the thought behind that was "there will be no feelings whatsoever attached to this". Felt relieving. Also, my concerns about living life without a partner mostly center on "I want a nice house but it'll be so difficult to afford one alone". 

It's surprisingly difficult to recognize these things since nobody talks about them in everyday life. I thought I couldn't be ace since I'm not antisocial- you know, not hating people and actually easily getting attached to most people (I know, a huge false stereotype). I want to be close with people, be a good friend. But do I want to have the lovey-dovey romantic stuff (kissing, hugging, cuddling etc) with anyone? Definitely not. I just want to be a very close friend with everyone (which I actually confused with being pan for quite a some time). I don't want it to proceed any further. Anyhow, I really wish to have a QP relationship with someone in the future.

 

I use to feel most comfortable with the company of gay men and straight women, too. I just like the fact that sexuality isn't "in the way" (well, if they don't talk about their personal sexual stuff, but at least I don't have to decode whether they're having crush on me lol).

Edited September 7, 2019 by naakka

[starweb]

23 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

 

The clinical team at my work has helped people reverse diabetes and since I don't have any knowledge about diabetes, I was surprised that the rest of the world is actually stuck with it.  I started hearing stories about how it's a lifelong disease and you're stuck on medication forever.  My roommate says that they're going to get diabetes eventually and I didn't realize how much this affected people.  I'll just put it out there that it is possible to no longer be diabetic, but by the looks of my work, it involves an extremely healthy diet and I'm not sure what specific things they say to have a lot of or limit.

There is no cure for diabetes. It is possible to bring the symptoms of Type 2 diabetes under control with a healthy lifestyle but that is not a reversal and it is not a cure. So far I have had no complications, and my AIC levels are very good, because of my lifestyle, (I do the keto diet)  but the minute I eat junk and stop exercising, the AIC levels will go up and I will more than likely develop complications. It will come back. I am under no delusion that my diabetes is 'cured'. It is under control. 

[Strifed]

22 hours ago, DragonSpirit said:

More like "aromantic problems:"

 

Whenever I am friends with boys at school, all my friends ship us. Very loudly. Ugh

Very frustrated every time a perfectly good boy-girl friendship in a book is ruined when the author decides to makes it romantic for no reason. Apparently there is no such thing as a non-romantic, non-sexual relationship betweem a female and male unless one is younger than 12, because it happens every. Single. Dang. Time.

oof this used to happen to me constantly in high school. And it used to make me so mad for some reason?  I never understood why we couldn't just be friends?? Years later I found out those boys actually liked liked me so that may have been where all that stuff was coming from... One of the guys was trying to say I was his girlfriend which was hella weird since we never talked outside of school or hung out or did anything romantic. It was literally just talking about computers and novels. I can't understand it to this day 😩

 

----

When your friends don't get why you don't want a boyfriend and why you loathe getting hit on, and go into the classic, "You'll find someone you like one day!". I sometimes wonder if I told these new friends I made if I was asexual what would happen...?