Fear of intimacy?

[words are futile devices]

I'm having trouble understanding myself. That's nothing new. ;)

I’ve always enjoyed the thought of being romantically close with someone. Especially during times of crushing on a particular person. In my head it is always wonderful and sweet. Every time I’ve actually had the opportunity to share that with someone, I’ve panicked and/or lost all desire for it. Hence, the theory about being lithromantic. Being capable of experiencing romantic attraction but not desiring for said attraction to be reciprocated.

My problem is, I don’t know if this repulsion of actual physical intimacy is inborn and natural and simply a part of me, or if I've got some serious intimacy issues to work through. I feel that perhaps a part of the reason I can’t relax into any romantic situations is because I am so hyper-aware of my own self, and so insecure about my body and mind, that it becomes impossible to enjoy the moment. I get lost inside my own frantic thoughts and freeze. I turn to stone and feel nothing but desire to get away, to leave, to be alone. As Sherlock would say, “Alone is what I have; alone protects me.” Maybe that is the philosophy by which I've come to live. Though I don't want to. I want to get close with someone "romantically," I guess. I want the capability of kissing the person I love, or of saying the word "date" without feeling queasy.

I've considered going to therapy. The truth is, there are a lot of underlying issues I've never dealt with properly, and talking with a professional would probably be beneficial. I'm severely shy, with low self-esteem and social anxiety, and I have a feeling all of that ties into my apparent fear of intimacy.

Have any of you dealt with something like this? Where you're (unwillingly) incapable of getting too close with someone, romantically or not? Is there anything that I could do to change this part of myself? Thanks for listening. :)

[Zerο]

Sort of, I don't trust myself to be intimate with someone else. Specifically speaking, there's a couple things that I'll always hold more important than anyone else and my pursuit of them will be a painful path - I don't want anyone to be dragged along for the ride. Before I realized I asexual I was also wary of getting into a relationship because of my natural distrust of people and the chance I might be betrayed/cheated on/etc. I guess the latter wouldn't technically be an issue with an asexual, but the former still is.

[Mad]

Same. Everything in my head looks perfect, but in real life....Not that I had many oportunities, but still....
You could try to just give in, you could like it, but then again you may not like it and become even more feared.
Not much of an advice. :/

[Fruity<3]

I used to be the same way, but I think I'm getting over it. I would romanticize about the person, but in real life once things actually got into dating, I became frightened and run away. It doesn't help that I'm usually afraid of being touched, like flinching and everything. I have an opportunity to date someone now though, and I think it'll work out. He was the first person I've actually been romantically attracted to since I was like 5. Since I've known him for years now, I was comfortable enough to tell him about my tendencies and that I'm scared, but I'd love to try to date him.

My advice, that I actually gave myself too, is to not date someone until you feel comfortable enough to talk to if you have these tendencies. It helps a lot to have someone to talk to about those fleeing feelings. You guys can talk about it and it'l probably be a lot better than just bottling them all up.

Just as a side note, idk if this applies to anyone here, but I always thought I was romantically attracted to people just because I wanted to spend time with them, but once that real attraction came, it came pretty strong. He's worth trying to work things out. I just have to breath and think logically when my brain starts running around.

idk if that actually helps. But good luck :D!!!

[the bumbling rotifer]

I can't contribute to the topic under discussion, but I just wanted to thank Fruity for the side note: it's something I've been wondering about.

[words are futile devices]

Thanks for sharing your responses and personal experiences! I really appreciate it.

For me, maybe it's more an overwhelming fear of the unknown. I analyze everything so thoroughly: for instance, if someone tries to hold my hand, my mind goes crazy wondering what the implications of the action are, what it means for our future, and will we always hold hands from here on out? does this mean we're a couple? am I READY for this? do I WANT this? Even if I'd been sure before that I did want it, I always end up doubting myself. It just ends up scaring me so bad I have to get away.

You could try to just give in, you could like it, but then again you may not like it and become even more feared.

I'd love to give in and try it. But actually taking that leap is terrifying and has pretty much been impossible so far. :/

My advice, that I actually gave myself too, is to not date someone until you feel comfortable enough to talk to if you have these tendencies. It helps a lot to have someone to talk to about those fleeing feelings. You guys can talk about it and it'l probably be a lot better than just bottling them all up.

There is a guy who I would really like to date. I've loved him for a couple of years now, but again, my fears have driven me to reject his romantic advances on two separate occasions. I did finally send him a really long message, explaining all these things, a few weeks ago. He still wants to try for a relationship. So do I. And what a relief that we can talk openly about this stuff and that he understands me at least a little better now. Not sure how this will all pan out, but I'm hoping beyond all hope that we can make it work somehow.

And good luck with your guy, too! I wish you the very best. :)

[Xavy]

The disconnect between what I imagine romantically, and what I actually do when I have to opportunity to make it real, is something I wish I could explain, but the best I can come up with is that I am missing something in my genetic make up that is needed to act out romantic thoughts and ideas.

[Grace Barton]

I totally see where you're coming from.

There are times I desperately want to be romantically close with someone. Usually when I feel lonely, usually in the evening when I'm sat on my butt on my own staring at the computer (kind of like now). I get so incredibly lonely my chest is about to burst, because I want someone there. Not necessarily to talk, just a presence, or someone I can move close to and cuddle if the need arrives. Romantic intimacy.

Yet if I was faced with the opportunity, I'd be scared, uncomfortable, and would likely run away or avoid all contact. I think I have intimacy issues, and also trust issues, since it takes me a long time to trust people and form bonds with them. It can take me a good few months to get used to new people at work, for example. I don't know for sure where it comes from, but these things hold me back.

I don't know if there's anything I can do to change that part of myself, or for you. I've also considered therapy, since I have a lot of underlying issues as well (anxiety and low self-esteem being the main ones). I tried counselling once, but I found it all 'talk' and no 'action. At the very least I'd say try it and see if it works for you, and if you think it may help you combat your issues.

[words are futile devices]

I totally see where you're coming from.

There are times I desperately want to be romantically close with someone. Usually when I feel lonely, usually in the evening when I'm sat on my butt on my own staring at the computer (kind of like now). I get so incredibly lonely my chest is about to burst, because I want someone there. Not necessarily to talk, just a presence, or someone I can move close to and cuddle if the need arrives. Romantic intimacy.

Yet if I was faced with the opportunity, I'd be scared, uncomfortable, and would likely run away or avoid all contact. I think I have intimacy issues, and also trust issues, since it takes me a long time to trust people and form bonds with them. It can take me a good few months to get used to new people at work, for example. I don't know for sure where it comes from, but these things hold me back.

I don't know if there's anything I can do to change that part of myself, or for you. I've also considered therapy, since I have a lot of underlying issues as well (anxiety and low self-esteem being the main ones). I tried counselling once, but I found it all 'talk' and no 'action. At the very least I'd say try it and see if it works for you, and if you think it may help you combat your issues.

Yes, you sound very much like me. It gets incredibly lonely sometimes, for sure. I feel you.

I would really like to try therapy just to see if anything comes of it. Who knows, it may not help... maybe this is just who I am.

Thanks for your response, and I wish you the best. :)

[abacct]

I have this problem too, except I'm aromantic. But the only sensual contact I can stand is hugs from friends who offer them, and even then it makes me uncomfortable. I'm constantly worrying what people think when they hug me, i.e. how I smell, how long I should hold on, etc. Other than being nervous around people in general I also really hate being touched. My family won't respect the fact I don't like to be kissed and I can't stand them touching my butt and it makes me so mad. So I guess for me it's a combination of nervousness (I don't want to say anxiety) and just overall disinterest in touching. I find touching people as awkward and unneeded.