Explaining Asexuality - Analogies?

[Daj]

Since asexuality is a difficult concept for a lot of people to understand, a lot of conversations about it seem to include the phrase "it's like..." or "imagine this..." Obviously, this doesn't always work, since we don't really know what the other party is using as a reference. So what analogies of yours have been successful in getting the point across?

Here's my favorite... I'm gray-romantic, so this probably won't apply for everyone, but I think word choice can be pretty easily changed.

You know how when you're really little, you think kids of the opposite sex have cooties? When you're around 7 or 8, you stop thinking like that, but still don't quite "like" them. Maybe you get little puppy love crushes sometimes, but they don't last long, are not serious in any way, and are probably made with an incomplete idea of romance. You're certainly not thinking about sex. I never got past that stage.

The person I used this one on literally said "that's incredibly easy to understand", I felt like I had found the holy grail.

Obviously, everyone's experience is different, but maybe people who are having issues with coming out can find one that works for them? :D

[confusedbutsure]

here's an analogy, i was inspired by a friend of mine. She told me she loved the smell of coffee in the morning. It made her feel excited about the fact that the morning had begun and it stirred her to life. I asked her if she wanted to drink some coffee and prompt came the reply 'No, I don't like coffee'. She liked the smell but did not have any desire to drink it. I think some asexuals are like that, at least I am like that. I may get attracted to a person (happens rarely though) and I love everything around it, a warm feeling. The moment someone asks me if I want to have sex, I know I won't. I know I can't, because I know I won't like it. To take the analogy further, I never liked cooking. But slowly as I started understanding the process, the intricacies, the smells, the fulfilling nature of having a full stomach with something you have cooked, I started liking cooking. WIth demis its the same. Once they start understanding a person, which comes with emotional bonding, you start liking the person, you want to get intimate with that person, you get attracted to them. you like the physical touch but the idea of having sex with them is still unappealing much like I like the idea of making a really complicated dish but can't go through with it.

I wonder if this makes sense!

[Truth and Lies]

I believe I heard the doughnut one somewhere on here a long time ago when I was a lurker...

It basically explains the difference between being asexual and being celibate. And I'm not sure what the exact words are, so I'll just go with it.

Two people are in a doughnut store. The first person is on a diet; they want the doughnuts... they give the doughnuts longing looks as they bite their lip, resisting the desire the pull out their wallet and buy a doughnut. They want it... oh how they want it. But they can't have it; it'd break their diet. So with pained resistance, they bring their coffee up to the cash register and ring it up. The second person gives the doughnuts only a momentary glance as they bring a bottle of... water... to the register. They can have it, they have enough money in their wallet to buy a few doughnuts... but they don't want it. It would fulfill no desire that they have.

And so the two people walk out, one unfulfilled and the other content.

...Of course, I over-embellished it for fun. XD And, of course, this doesn't apply to everyone, since celibates can be content with their way of life without being drawn in by what's around them, and aces can like sex, maybe not on a sexual level, but on an emotional or sensual or something level... I don't know.

So basically, if you wanted to explain it in simple terms: celibates want it, but they can't have it... aces can have it, but they don't want it. Or something.

Feel free to throw candy at me for this one. I will gladly munch away on it~.

[Daj]

@confusedbutsure Those are both excellent! I especially like the cooking one :)

@Truth and Lies Yeah, the donut one is one of my favorites! Candy for you!

[Tribbit]

Mine is incredibly silly, but I was describing to a friend of mine the other day about being asexual and I made this up on the spot.

"Sex is apparently like this fantastic pie. Everybody loves the pie. It doesn't matter what flavor the pie is: apple, cherry, blueberry, and what-not. Everyone agree that they just love pie. Except for me. Yes the pie looks pretty. It smells lovely and nice job on that glaze. And I don't mind that you like pie. Good for you. But I'm going to stay over here eating my cake, thank you very much."

I think it's more silly than helpful though. XD

[Daj]

@Tribbit That one's awesome! I love how you include that the pie looks pretty; I often respond in a similar way when I say someone is attractive and someone says "aren't you ace?" That's a really pretty car, but I don't necessarily want to have sex with the car, do I?

[JDP]

I don't think there is an analogy a sexual person can understand. It's like explaining a sunset to a blind man.

Sexual repulsion needs no explanation. It's like you don't like tomatoes in your hamburger. Everyone gets that.

An inability to experience sexual intimacy is harder to explain to those who have experienced it and hold it in high regard. It's like saying you'd rather have a fiddle than a Stradivarius, or no instrument at all.

To them, you're in bad shape. You need help. A pill. An injection. Therapy. Something needs to be fixed.

If someone does come up with a good analogy that causes them to change their attitude, I'd sure like to hear it.

[TiaTitan]

I have two analogies I've heard from two different friends. The first analogy (the Elephant analogy) describes sexuality more and the second analogy (the Tofu analogy) describes Grey-A and Demisexuality a little more. But they kinda relate to what you're asking.

Elephant analogy:

Being Ace and hearing about sexual attraction from peers, it's like everyone has a pet elephant, but you look around and realize you don't have a pet elephant. So you ask you're friends what an elephant is and they're like, "Well...an elephant looks like an elephant" :)

And you're like, "Okay, well, what does an elephant eat?" And they're like, "Well...an elephant eats elephant food" :)
And you're like, "Okay, well, if everyone has this elephant thing, why don't I have one?"
And they're like, "Of course you have an elephant, everyone does, it's there right next to you" :)
And you look around and there's no elephant...

(Sidenote: I like to think the reason we don't see elephants is because we have cooler creatures like unicorns following us instead)

Tofu anaolgy:

The friend who told me this anaolgy is Grey-A or Demi, I think.

He doesn't mind doing some romantic things that may be deemed by some as 'sexual' although, to him, they're just intimate and nice.

He said it's like having a taste for some foods and a lack of taste for others, and finding a middle ground of things he's willing to share with a partner.

For example, he likes tofu so he'll tofu with another person.

And he loves berries, so he'll berry with another.

But he doesn't like cauliflower, so he'd never want to cauliflower with another person.

[TiaTitan]

I believe I heard the doughnut one somewhere on here a long time ago when I was a lurker...

It basically explains the difference between being asexual and being celibate. And I'm not sure what the exact words are, so I'll just go with it.

Two people are in a doughnut store. The first person is on a diet; they want the doughnuts... they give the doughnuts longing looks as they bite their lip, resisting the desire the pull out their wallet and buy a doughnut. They want it... oh how they want it. But they can't have it; it'd break their diet. So with pained resistance, they bring their coffee up to the cash register and ring it up. The second person gives the doughnuts only a momentary glance as they bring a bottle of... water... to the register. They can have it, they have enough money in their wallet to buy a few doughnuts... but they don't want it. It would fulfill no desire that they have.

And so the two people walk out, one unfulfilled and the other content.

...Of course, I over-embellished it for fun. XD And, of course, this doesn't apply to everyone, since celibates can be content with their way of life without being drawn in by what's around them, and aces can like sex, maybe not on a sexual level, but on an emotional or sensual or something level... I don't know.

So basically, if you wanted to explain it in simple terms: celibates want it, but they can't have it... aces can have it, but they don't want it. Or something.

Feel free to throw candy at me for this one. I will gladly munch away on it~.

Also

*throws candy*

[astrobean]

The one I've been using recently is color-blindness.

Suppose your friend points to two attractive people and says "who would you rather have sex with?" How do you choose?

Now the analogy. Hold two shirts up to a color-blind person and ask which one they like better. The person holding up the shirts sees that one is red and one is blue. They like the blue one because blue is their favorite color.

The color-blind person looks at those shirts, and they look the same. The color-blind person can consider the cut of the shirt, or the type of fabric and maybe make a choice that way. If the only difference is the color, then the person can't really pick a favorite (or they may choose the one on the left just because...). There are many ways to choose, but none of them will be based on which is their favorite color.

In the same way, when I look at two people, I cannot choose which I like better based on sexiness because I don't experience sexual attraction. It's kind of a level playing field. I can determine who has more hobbies in common with me, who is more physically fit, or any number of criteria, but my choice of which person I like better will not be based on which one I find sexier.

[Aerial Ace]

This isn't exactly explaining asexuality, but I use it when people ask how I know I don't like sex if I've never had it. It's kind of like Tribbit's pie analogy, and I actually like that one better, but here's mine:

It's like walking through a Chinese market (or any market, really). You see sodas and bread and your favorite cereal, so you get some of those. But then you see an exotic kind of fish or some kind of fruit that you've never had before, and you don't get them. You've never tried them, but you know that they aren't something you would enjoy.

[confusedbutsure]

I believe I heard the doughnut one somewhere on here a long time ago when I was a lurker...

It basically explains the difference between being asexual and being celibate. And I'm not sure what the exact words are, so I'll just go with it.

Two people are in a doughnut store. The first person is on a diet; they want the doughnuts... they give the doughnuts longing looks as they bite their lip, resisting the desire the pull out their wallet and buy a doughnut. They want it... oh how they want it. But they can't have it; it'd break their diet. So with pained resistance, they bring their coffee up to the cash register and ring it up. The second person gives the doughnuts only a momentary glance as they bring a bottle of... water... to the register. They can have it, they have enough money in their wallet to buy a few doughnuts... but they don't want it. It would fulfill no desire that they have.

And so the two people walk out, one unfulfilled and the other content.

...Of course, I over-embellished it for fun. XD And, of course, this doesn't apply to everyone, since celibates can be content with their way of life without being drawn in by what's around them, and aces can like sex, maybe not on a sexual level, but on an emotional or sensual or something level... I don't know.

So basically, if you wanted to explain it in simple terms: celibates want it, but they can't have it... aces can have it, but they don't want it. Or something.

Feel free to throw candy at me for this one. I will gladly munch away on it~.

throws candies and offers some more :)

[confusedbutsure]

This thread is actually incredibly helpful. I am going to give a talk on asexuality, and now I know where to look for analogies for the whole spectrum of asexuality. Score!

[Guest]

Daj, I really like your analogy :) Sadly it doesn't work very well for people who can develop fully fledged romantic feelings, but I would guess it fits the aromantics out there.

I generally use these:

"Heterosexuals aren't attracted to people of the same sex and homosexuals aren't attracted to people of the opposite sex. Being asexual basically means you're straight with the same sex and gay with the opposite sex." (Might be in need of rewording, I generally don't resort to this because it's not 100% clear)

"It's like things such as pizza or chocolate. Everyone seems to like them and not understand why someone possibly couldn't. Well, that's it for me." (Referred to liking sex)

As for when someone asks "how do you know if you haven't tried it?":

"There are things you just know you won't like. If you're faint of heart you certainly won't want to see blood and gore or try bungee jumping, right?"

[Arcovia]

I've been thinking about this analogy but this is the first time I've put it to words. It's to explain how asexuality differs from being sex-repulsed or non-libidoist and stuff.

Sex is like cake. One can smell the cake, crave the cake, eat the cake, or ignore it.

Let's say no one can actually see the cake because it's under a cover. Many people can still smell it and think "Oh hey, there's cake here!". Many people will start to crave the cake, sometimes because they are hungry, but sometimes because the cake just smells that darned good. Some people crave cake in general but it's not until they smell that cake that they are ready to eat. Some people don't care how a cake smells but they want some anyway. Sometimes people are hungry but they don't crave the cake, yet the smell reminds them that they are hungry so they go eat something else. Some people smell and crave cake but they don't eat it because of their diet.

Asexuals can't smell cake. Because we can't smell it, the vast majority of us never crave it either, but occasionally someone will crave it for other reasons. Some asexuals still feel hunger, some don't. Some eat cake, some don't.

The thing is that anyone with a working stomach can eat cake, whether they're asexual or not. Cake doesn't taste quite as nice without a sense of smell, though, so some people will try it and decide it's not for them. Some people, whether or not they smell or crave the cake, when they get a chance to eat it they are suddenly grossed out and don't want it, even if they're really hungry. Some people, regardless of smells or cravings, WILL eat the cake because they like the taste. One doesn't have to eat cake for themself to know whether or not they'd enjoy it; there's other aspects of cake they do know about that help them figure it out.

Smell is attraction, craving is desire, hunger is drive, and eating is sex.

Physical arousal is salivation, I guess? And aesthetic attraction is looking at the cake because we have x-Ray vision to stare through the cover. :p There's a good reason I didn't include these in the explanation.

[Rising Sun]

The one I've been using recently is color-blindness.

Suppose your friend points to two attractive people and says "who would you rather have sex with?" How do you choose?

Now the analogy. Hold two shirts up to a color-blind person and ask which one they like better. The person holding up the shirts sees that one is red and one is blue. They like the blue one because blue is their favorite color.

The color-blind person looks at those shirts, and they look the same. The color-blind person can consider the cut of the shirt, or the type of fabric and maybe make a choice that way. If the only difference is the color, then the person can't really pick a favorite (or they may choose the one on the left just because...). There are many ways to choose, but none of them will be based on which is their favorite color.

In the same way, when I look at two people, I cannot choose which I like better based on sexiness because I don't experience sexual attraction. It's kind of a level playing field. I can determine who has more hobbies in common with me, who is more physically fit, or any number of criteria, but my choice of which person I like better will not be based on which one I find sexier.

We use the same analogy then. :) I like it as it can describe different types of attraction (with the different colors), and grey-As (with partial color-blindness).

[JDP]

This isn't good. Now when we give out cake, newbies will be confused as hell.

[Stormharrier]

I've explained it to a friend before by saying "you know how you can look at guys and think they're attractive, without actually being attracted to them yourself? I'm like that with everyone."

I also quite like comparing sex to skydiving. I've never tried that either, but since I'm scared of heights and have no particular desire to hurl myself out of a plane, why would I want to?

[JDP]

Not a good example. Fears can and often should be overcome. I've also heard from skydivers that after the first time life was never the same. They felt they could overcome any obstacle after that.

You can't explain lack of sexual attraction to those who experience sexual attraction. I think to a lot of sexuals we're simply not trying hard enough.

[Stormharrier]

There's still the total lack of interest, which is the more important point there. To be honest, I could just as easily replace it with some other hobby that I'm not scared of, because that's what I see sex as - a hobby (that I'm not interested in). If people can't understand that, then they're not going to get any of the analogies I come up with.

[Arcovia]

You can't explain lack of sexual attraction to those who experience sexual attraction. I think to a lot of sexuals we're simply not trying hard enough.

We can and have successfully explained asexuality to those who are not asexual. Some people just don't get it, but it's them, not the concept, that causes the problem with explanations.

[JDP]

Yes, I suppose some get it, and some don't. I'm just afraid of getting "Aw...that's too bad" or "Tsk tsk... have you been to therapy?" or "Are you gay, or impotent?" as possible reactions.

Actually, having someone laugh in my face after coming out would be about the worst reaction. I don't want that either.

[skymessenger]

Not sure if it's an analogy but I'll give it my best shot.

"A guy's male-friend's birthday party and he gets this gigantic, tasty cake. At the height of the party, it's finally cake time. A sexy woman jumps out of the cake. Everyone else is excited except the guy, who is disappointed the cake is ruined."

[TophatsTruly]

My go-to, because it's based around the asker's experiences is this (assuming they are hetero male, switch the subject if they are not)

So you have your sexual feelings towards males, which is nothing, or semi-disgusted right?
Imagine now, that you also feel the same way about females.
That's asexuality.

Inevitably they say "Doesn't that make you bisexual?"
To which I reply "The exact opposite."

[Aceade]

The analogy I have planned out, but not used yet, is "it's like being an Irishman who doesn't drink Guinness" - admittedly, I have tried Guinness and just don't care for it, while I haven't tried sex.

Let's say that drinking Guinness replaces sex. Selling Guinness is the world's oldest profession, often illegal in many places and with a healthy black market around the entire world. It is condemned by numerous religions, unless you have gone through a load of paperwork and a bizarre ceremony. Films have to have at least one Guinness-drinking scene to be considered "adult". People gossip to their friends about how "that person is hot has an awesome glass". People assume that you must be interested in drinking Guinness because everyone is, and anyone who isn't must have been force-fed it as a child, or is just bitter because they can't get any.

It's just an overhyped stout!

[joesantus]

Yes, I suppose some get it, and some don't.

In the first decade of the 35 years (33 married) with my Asexual partner, as she and I struggled to understand our sexual disparity, I, as the Sexual, used hunger and food craving as analogies to try to explain to her what sexual attraction was like to me and to understand what she was experiencing. She's not nor never has been aversive to sex, so through the food analogies I came to understand her indifference as the equivalent of me being presented with food I'd normally crave if I saw it (sorry, gang, bit it ain't cake for me -- bake me a strawberry pie!) when I was already satiated food-wise -- for at that point, even my favorite foods hold no interest for me. The food looks appetizing, I'm sure it tastes delicious, but, because I'm already full, it has zero attraction for me.

Of course, my analogy fails if the "satiation" component is pressed, since Asexuality has nothing to do with being satiated. But, the indifference to what would be considered "appetizing" is definitely something I can grasp. So, I do think I have a fair understanding of what an Asexual experiences. Interestingly, I think my Asexual wife understands how a Sexual feels by the same analogy in reverse -- for, she DOES like cake, and finds it quite irresistible!

[Daj]

I actually think the satiation analogy works very well! In the world of sexuality, actually partaking in the pie is not the only way to become "full". What I'm trying to compare it to is emotional satisfaction!

I'm trying to word this correctly, because the way it's coming across is "all asexuals don't want sex", which of course isn't true. I think asexuals can be emotionally satisfied without a sexual relationship, and aromantics without a romantic relationship. The feeling of "fullness" can be equated to "I'm fine with what I've eaten already; I don't need that."

No, I guess that only really applies to those with low sex drive, or at least those who are not sex positive. (Sex positive seems to have more than one definition! I'm using the one that's the opposite of sex repulsed, rather than how it is used more widely outside of the asexual community, meaning the attitude to oppose slut shaming. Unless im just forgetting the actual term. Which is what's probably happening. Sorry about that!)

[Lady Girl]

You can't explain lack of sexual attraction to those who experience sexual attraction. I think to a lot of sexuals we're simply not trying hard enough.

I don't agree with this...it's why we have words and are able to convey feelings with tones of voice as well; to explain these things. My husband does seem to understand me and what sexual people are feeling even though he doesn't feel it. I think both sides actually do grasp the concept more often than not (especially after a little thought).

I have talked to clients, and coworkers about it in a very general way (that is, not naming names) and everyone has understood the concept. None of them or me would imply there is a lack of effort. The people I've talked to seem to understand "it's just the way some folks are wired" quite readily. They also understand and can converse easily about asexuals being romantically oriented towards their own, opposite, both, or all genders if that is the case.

I will say that when speaking to others regarding sexual orientation...talking about who someone wants to be with in a sexual way is more accessible than speaking of to whom they are sexually attracted. It seems to get the entire concept across rather instantly, and makes introducing the idea of romantic orientation all the more comprehensible, as well as enabling one to convey the concept of different types of attraction that don't lead one to desire sexual interaction.

[VinnyCrow]

Well, for me as an aromantic asexual, I just point out that my relationships are exclusively platonic, and if I need to give an example, it's pretty straight-forward: you love your friend/sibling/parent/pet, but you don't have a romantic relationship with them, and you wouldn't want to have sex with them-- the thought would probably even be disgusting. That's what it's like for me towards everyone.

[JDP]

You can't explain lack of sexual attraction to those who experience sexual attraction. I think to a lot of sexuals we're simply not trying hard enough.

I don't agree with this...it's why we have words and are able to convey feelings with tones of voice as well; to explain these things. My husband does seem to understand me and what sexual people are feeling even though he doesn't feel it. I think both sides actually do grasp the concept more often than not (especially after a little thought).

I have talked to clients, and coworkers about it in a very general way (that is, not naming names) and everyone has understood the concept. None of them or me would imply there is a lack of effort. The people I've talked to seem to understand "it's just the way some folks are wired" quite readily. They also understand and can converse easily about asexuals being romantically oriented towards their own, opposite, both, or all genders if that is the case.

I will say that when speaking to others regarding sexual orientation...talking about who someone wants to be with in a sexual way is more accessible than speaking of to whom they are sexually attracted. It seems to get the entire concept across rather instantly, and makes introducing the idea of romantic orientation all the more comprehensible, as well as enabling one to convey the concept of different types of attraction that don't lead one to desire sexual interaction.

I think you and your husband are more understanding than most, Lady Girl.

Without any social science on public acceptance, or even professional acceptance, of asexuality, and on the nature of whatever acceptance exists, we are left to speculate on popular perceptions of, and attitudes about, asexuality.

My speculation is that the majority of the body politic recognizes celibacy as a choice, recognizes different kinds of sexuality as innate and immutable but doesn't recognize as something established at birth not having any sexuality at all.