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JiltedVenus

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The kinds of words you use, often help me see how it works. And I think it would work well for you to pop over to the asexual relationships or asexual musings and rantings, or asexual Q&A, forums and just peruse a bit. Hopefully, our conversations will be as helpful to you as yours are to me.

So, in short, thank you so much for helping me grow as a human being by allowing me to listen in.

Being in a mixed relationship has been one of the most difficult things in my life, but also one of the most rewarding.

This goes for me too! Thank you for the compliment, and if I am helpful it's because of people like you, Sally, Serran, and many others who have been honest with me and told me how some things feel like pressure to you, or just plain how you feel about sex in general. Thanks for all your thoughtful insights too. :cake:

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I'm ace, in a relationship with someone who calls himself "very sexual". I often find it very hard to understand sexuality, but what I can understand is asexuality, if that makes any sense. I know you've been around other forums (I think I even have a quote from you in my signature down below, because I like it so much...), so I just wanted to encourage that. I'm here, for example, because my partner is sexual and it helps me greatly to "eavesdrop" in on conversations like this that are by a sexual and centred around sexuality. I can't contribute always, and I can't always offer the same kind of support that Lady Girl can (and trust me, she's a pretty amazing woman, so you're in good hands), but I can listen and learn. The kinds of words you use, often help me see how it works. And I think it would work well for you to pop over to the asexual relationships or asexual musings and rantings, or asexual Q&A, forums and just peruse a bit. Hopefully, our conversations will be as helpful to you as yours are to me.

So, in short, thank you so much for helping me grow as a human being by allowing me to listen in. And I hope that you continue to explore this site, and that it helps you much in the same way that it helps me.

Being in a mixed relationship has been one of the most difficult things in my life, but also one of the most rewarding. If there's anything I can do to help, please just ask. :cake:

This is really sweet, Heart, thank you. I haven't been able to bring myself to eavesdrop in the asexual forums just yet. This is all very new to me, but it's a good idea and I will try it. I'm glad I've helped you understand things better, and I hope ultimately I can understand where my husband is coming from, and not be hurt by it. I do love him, and if I thought I could live in silence with this I would do it. Meanwhile, we still have a lot of avenues to explore.

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Well, I think he has probably sacrificed plenty. It's just one of those things...I probably see things a little differently than you asexjoe. I think a sacrifice can come in the form of doing something that goes against your own will as well as the typical giving up of something.

I know how you feel JiltedVenus, it took me 27 years to get to where I'm at now (I felt plenty trapped and plenty upset). There are no easy answers and every couple is different for sure. The best we can do is listen to you and share our experience, give support in areas we relate, and think of ideas to try.

Lady Girl, this is where I am getting stuck right now. It seems to me, that there are loads of areas where I am willing to do or not do something out of respect for my husband's wishes. I am having a lot of trouble getting my head around him having sex with me as a sacrifice or a favor. I find it VERY hurtful.

I really appreciate your sympathy. Thanks.

Sex to us isn't about sacrifice, or favors, usually. It's about a gesture that we care. Say you love romance movies, but dislike/don't care action movies. Your partner loves action movies, but dislikes/doesn't care about romance movies. If you and your husband made a compromise of movie night one week, we watch an action movie and movie night the next week we watch a romance movie.. is it a favor or a sacrifice, or done out of pity? Or is it give and take, compromise and doing something to spend time together whether it is something you would choose to do if your partner didn't want it or not? I view having sex the same as I view watching a comedy movie (I don't like comedies in general) - something my partner wants to share, that I have little interest in for myself, but will do for him. In return, he sometimes does things he doesn't want to do for himself, but does to spend time together. Like, watching Ever After and Sweeney Todd. An asexual can't have sex out of mutual sexual attraction, but we can have sex out of mutual love. :)

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Well, I think he has probably sacrificed plenty. It's just one of those things...I probably see things a little differently than you asexjoe. I think a sacrifice can come in the form of doing something that goes against your own will as well as the typical giving up of something.

I know how you feel JiltedVenus, it took me 27 years to get to where I'm at now (I felt plenty trapped and plenty upset). There are no easy answers and every couple is different for sure. The best we can do is listen to you and share our experience, give support in areas we relate, and think of ideas to try.

Lady Girl, this is where I am getting stuck right now. It seems to me, that there are loads of areas where I am willing to do or not do something out of respect for my husband's wishes. I am having a lot of trouble getting my head around him having sex with me as a sacrifice or a favor. I find it VERY hurtful.

I really appreciate your sympathy. Thanks.

Sex to us isn't about sacrifice, or favors, usually. It's about a gesture that we care. Say you love romance movies, but dislike/don't care action movies. Your partner loves action movies, but dislikes/doesn't care about romance movies. If you and your husband made a compromise of movie night one week, we watch an action movie and movie night the next week we watch a romance movie.. is it a favor or a sacrifice, or done out of pity? Or is it give and take, compromise and doing something to spend time together whether it is something you would choose to do if your partner didn't want it or not? I view having sex the same as I view watching a comedy movie (I don't like comedies in general) - something my partner wants to share, that I have little interest in for myself, but will do for him. In return, he sometimes does things he doesn't want to do for himself, but does to spend time together. Like, watching Ever After and Sweeney Todd. An asexual can't have sex out of mutual sexual attraction, but we can have sex out of mutual love. :)

I understand that, I guess. I don't like it, but I guess I can learn to appreciate it.

Sex just doesn't feel like something that should fit into that category of Give and Take. I don't know why I feel this way. I will have to think about it some more.

He saw the urologist today, and his testosterone is 100% normal. He's pretty distraught, because this means he has to rely on therapy to dig through this and figure out if he can change. I will process later--he needs me right now.

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Good luck to both of you.

I know what you're talking about. Your marriage is in a new phase now. Unfortunately it's all on you now.

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Sex just doesn't feel like something that should fit into that category of Give and Take. I don't know why I feel this way. I will have to think about it some more.

I'm a highly Sexual, married 33 years to a woman who is both Aspergers and Asexual. Let me say first that I empathize with your situation. Although the genders are reversed from yours in our Sexual/Asexual relationship, my wife and I understand what you and your husband are feeling. My wife pointlessly spent many agonized years trying to "fix" herself because she, like your husband, felt she was the one with a problem.

I agree that, for many of us Sexuals, me included, sex is not in the category of Give N Take. Some Sexuals, who are usually men, do seem to be fine with that "you watch an action movie with me, I'll watch a romance movie with you" approach to sex, but others of us Sexuals are definitely not. For us, our sexual needs integrally involve our partner having a reciprocal, mutual sexual need of and interest in us; unless we sense that reciprocal need in our partner during sex in at least the majority of times, it somehow short-circuits our fulfillment. For us, our sexuality is so inextricably entwined with our need of intimacy that what I call "laundry sex" -- laundry being something that needs to be sorted and washed and which, in our case, my wife definitely does for me out of love but which she certainly has no enthusiasm nor anticipation about doing -- is unsatisfying. We don't want a partner for just a physical release, but we need to feel wanted by and connected to that partner. My wife and I muse that if I could be one of those guys who gets hooked on impersonal internet porn and sexually ignores his wife, in our case our marriage would improve!

That said, it nevertheless remains that the best you can sexually hope for in your relationship with your Asexual partner is the Give N Take approach. That's miserable and gut-wrenching to face, I full-well know. It doesn't feel fair. It's not his fault, not your fault, nor anyone's fault. But, that is what you have to face if you remain in a relationship with him. For myself, by the way, I've chosen to stay with her because the pain of being without her entirely is far greater than the pain of being with her without sexual fulfillment.

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Asexjoe, yes, I suppose it is all on me, IF it turns out he is asexual. I have not worked up the courage to tell him about this site. I don't know when the right time is for that.

Joesantus, thank you for your empathy. You offered some good food for thought.

Right now, my husband says he doesn't experience a sexual drive, but he wants to. I think the jury is still out on whether he's repressed or truly asexual. He told me last night he experiences a ton of anxiety surrounding sex; indeed he has problems with anxiety in every area of his life.

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Asexjoe, yes, I suppose it is all on me, IF it turns out he is asexual. I have not worked up the courage to tell him about this site. I don't know when the right time is for that.

Joesantus, thank you for your empathy. You offered some good food for thought.

Right now, my husband says he doesn't experience a sexual drive, but he wants to. I think the jury is still out on whether he's repressed or truly asexual. He told me last night he experiences a ton of anxiety surrounding sex; indeed he has problems with anxiety in every area of his life.

I have a ton of anxiety over it, too. I half-expect my sexual wife to pick up a cast iron skillet and kill me with it, given how divided we are over this issue.

Your husband needs to talk to someone, another guy, about what's going on in his brain right now. If it's a mental block, he's not going to overcome it by himself.

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Maybe now is a good time to mention this site to your husband. It sounds like he is going through a stage of feeling broken. In my past, I spent two years feeling broken and inadequate before I found AVEN, and AVEN was my saviour. I would not be who I am without this place.

Showing him this may also help him figure out for himself whether he is asexual or sexually repressed. Ultimately, that's something only he can know about himself, and knowing the options and how to distinguish them may be what he needs. It's a subtle distinction, but both your actions will be very different depending on that very distinction.

He says he wishes to "fix" his sex drive issues, but I would like him to know that asexuality exists before he commits to this viewpoint. One of my biggest regrets is undergoing some hormone therapy to increase my "broken" sex drive, even though my hormones are at normal levels. This treatment had massive mood effects, and ultimately made me feel like a stranger in my own body, to the extent where I wanted to leave my own body... Two suicide attempts later, I realized it was the drug, not me. Fixing something that is broken is legitimate, but based on my experience, I would advocate strongly for making sure it's actually a problem and needs fixing before going ahead. If it's not something he feels is unnatural to him, then his trying to" fix" it can have very bad consequences...

So again, this might be a good time to bring this site up. He's already seen that it's not a hormone issue, so by showing him this, it gives him the power to see the alternatives. Then he can decide for himself whether he thinks he wants to keep exploring ways to raise his sex drive or work through his anxieties, or whether a better approach is to work through asexuality and compromise. Trust me, anything is better than feeling broken, and that the only solution is only making you feel worse. In such a scenario, I have never felt more hopeless and destitute.

No matter what happens, I hope I can be there for you and your husband for anything you need. If you want to give your husband my AVEN name, please tell him he can feel free to PM me and we can have a chat. I would be happy to talk to him about being ace in a relationship with a sexual. If sharing my experiences with your husband might help him and you, then I would be happy to do anything I can. :cake:

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Down in Texas

Very nice Heart. It took a while after I showed this site to my husband before he found a posting that he related to after that things started to be a bit easier to talk about

Best of Luck to you BOTH it can be hard to navigate until you know what course lay ahead. Finding AVEN set that course.

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Heart-- I did it. I sent him the site. I just told him that I had found it interesting, and that as he tries to determine what's going on with his sex drive he might find it useful. I also said I make no pronouncements but that only he can do that. I told him that I loved him and that anything is better than feeling broken. You are VERY sweet and I am so glad I've met you guys.

Asexjoe--I totally agree with you. He has seen a sex therapist once and will see him again on Monday. We know he has major anxiety issues. He has always been a huge perfectionist; really it's high time he saw someone about this. The therapist specializes in a lot of things, not just sex, and is a guy. Bonus.

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Heart-- I did it. I sent him the site. I just told him that I had found it interesting, and that as he tries to determine what's going on with his sex drive he might find it useful. I also said I make no pronouncements but that only he can do that. I told him that I loved him and that anything is better than feeling broken. You are VERY sweet and I am so glad I've met you guys.

I know first hand how hard that must have been for you. Discussing stuff like this with a significant other is not easy. I want you to know that what you said is very mature and awesome of you. He is lucky to have you, I hope you know that. The way you've dealt with this so far is amazing! I really, truly, commend you, and I hope everything goes well. Keep us posted, or maybe even let him introduce himself <3

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He said he browsed the FAQ last night but doesn't feel like ace is a fit. He's just not willing to accept that his low drive is normal. And he says he thinks he likes sex too much for him to be ace.

On one hand I am happy to see him continue to question and dig for answers...on the other, we still don't have any answers. :-(

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Down in Texas

For what it is worth. The first time my husband read it he denied it also. Then he got mad. Months later he read a post written by someone about their husband and he said " did you write that" I told him my name on here and he then said " oh it sounds just like me ". That was when he began to relate. Now he knows I get on but he has no desire to read anything further. However he then began to open up little by little and something's he had hidden from me for 40 years began to slowly come out.

Give him time to digest what he has read and time to figure out what you are going to do with the knowledge you now have. If he sees you treat him the same or a bit better he may open up. He may be afraid now that you know that you will leave him.

No one can tell you what to do that choice must be yours and yours alone.

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songsofadistantshore

This seems more workable to me. He has said that phrase before--ruining my life. Right now he is in a groove of trying to fix things. I don't know where we will land on that, and my hopes aren't very high we will get anywhere. But there are a lot of avenues to explore.

I guess, right now in my rather sex-addled state, I feel like it's ludicrous to stay in a marriage where one spouse is totally disinterested in sex and it's the other spouse's love language. If you can find a workable compromise, great, but the idea of me doing all the compromise? I am not sure I'm ok with that. Lady Girl, you said you two separated for awhile, yeah? And you're happier together? What about others, who have ended up splitting or staying together?

Welcome!

Similar to what you are dealing with, I am a sexual living with an a-sexual wife. I am about as certain as I can be that I am happy being with my wife than I would be without her. There are many ups and downs, and in those times when the downs became deep valleys I find myself re-evaluating the situation, I always come to that same conclusion. My wife is my best friend, someone I trust intimately. We are each-others support through life's twists and turns. We work well together as partners in running managing our house and lives. She is a wonderful step mother to my two daughters. Plus we have a great deal of shared history and positive memories. I am also still very much in love with her. Yes, lacking a sex life sucks, but for me its not worth it to walk away from all these positive things due to one flaw in the relationship, albeit a major one. Maybe my perspective is different than some. My first marriage was with a individual with a very high libido. While the sex was very nice much of the relationship was not. I'm honestly much happier married to the person I am now, even with the pain of not having a sexual life and all that entails, than I was to my first wife. Almost all relationships are going to be flawed in some capacity. Life is long and this situation will continue to wear on me, I am sure. I will continue to need to find ways to deal with the pain and feelings of rejection. So I don't want to pretend I know what the future holds. But I certainly love this woman and fully intend, with everything I am, to stay with her.

Its hard to come to grips with the idea of living with an a-sexual. Certainly its not what a sexual person generally envisions their marriage being like. It can take time to really get your brain wrapped around what a-sexuality is. I would strongly suggest just spending some time here reading peoples' stories, both from the sexual and the a-sexual perspective. Learn as much as you can. Talk to your partner. If you decide you want to continue to try to make the relationship work communication is key to doing so. You have my sympathy. Its not an easy road path to find yourself walking down. I hope that you will find, as I have, that there are joys along the way to compensate in some measure for the sorrows.

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Comrade Eden

Heya.

Note: Please forgive me if I say something that someone else has said already; I tried to read all the comments, but I am a bit tired and my memory is not operating at it's optimal levels.

So, a few things:

Liking sex and being asexual are perfectly compatible. Liking sex and desiring it are not necessarily connected.

Be wary of being hopeful of a low testosterone diagnosis; even if this is a problem that your husband is facing, it doesn't mean that he can't also be asexual.

Obviously, I do not know the teachings that you received, and I do not know which, if any of them, you are willing to not follow. So, only you can make that choice. Another option to consider is this: Having a committed/married relationship, but with sex from outside that relationship. This could be of the committed type - 1 married partner and 1 non-married sexual partner - or something else entirely. You don't have to disregard your teachings in order to accept that there are thousands of different interpretations.

And, people have probably already said this, be honest and open with each other and yourselves. Don't water down the truth for the other person. Also, I don't know how old your children are, but sometimes talking to children can be helpful in learning about yourselves, and deciding a course of action for your lives. Changes in family structure has benefited many married families with children.

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This seems more workable to me. He has said that phrase before--ruining my life. Right now he is in a groove of trying to fix things. I don't know where we will land on that, and my hopes aren't very high we will get anywhere. But there are a lot of avenues to explore.

I guess, right now in my rather sex-addled state, I feel like it's ludicrous to stay in a marriage where one spouse is totally disinterested in sex and it's the other spouse's love language. If you can find a workable compromise, great, but the idea of me doing all the compromise? I am not sure I'm ok with that. Lady Girl, you said you two separated for awhile, yeah? And you're happier together? What about others, who have ended up splitting or staying together?

Welcome!

Similar to what you are dealing with, I am a sexual living with an a-sexual wife. I am about as certain as I can be that I am happy being with my wife than I would be without her. There are many ups and downs, and in those times when the downs became deep valleys I find myself re-evaluating the situation, I always come to that same conclusion. My wife is my best friend, someone I trust intimately. We are each-others support through life's twists and turns. We work well together as partners in running managing our house and lives. She is a wonderful step mother to my two daughters. Plus we have a great deal of shared history and positive memories. I am also still very much in love with her. Yes, lacking a sex life sucks, but for me its not worth it to walk away from all these positive things due to one flaw in the relationship, albeit a major one. Maybe my perspective is different than some. My first marriage was with a individual with a very high libido. While the sex was very nice much of the relationship was not. I'm honestly much happier married to the person I am now, even with the pain of not having a sexual life and all that entails, than I was to my first wife. Almost all relationships are going to be flawed in some capacity. Life is long and this situation will continue to wear on me, I am sure. I will continue to need to find ways to deal with the pain and feelings of rejection. So I don't want to pretend I know what the future holds. But I certainly love this woman and fully intend, with everything I am, to stay with her.

Its hard to come to grips with the idea of living with an a-sexual. Certainly its not what a sexual person generally envisions their marriage being like. It can take time to really get your brain wrapped around what a-sexuality is. I would strongly suggest just spending some time here reading peoples' stories, both from the sexual and the a-sexual perspective. Learn as much as you can. Talk to your partner. If you decide you want to continue to try to make the relationship work communication is key to doing so. You have my sympathy. Its not an easy road path to find yourself walking down. I hope that you will find, as I have, that there are joys along the way to compensate in some measure for the sorrows.

This is an excellent summary of what I am feeling right now. In every other capacity besides sex, this is a damn good life I have. I do not know that I can say I was ever in love with him in the traditional sense of the word. Rather, we have a mind connection that in my experience up to the point I met him was unparalleled. He never seemed intimidated by my intellect or by my emotional intensities. At 22, this was huge to me. At 22 it was also huge that I respected him. Thank you, for reminding me that there are positives as well as negatives. I can't say I was always as happy with my one previous lover. We fought a lot, even though the sex was amazing.

Liking sex and being asexual are perfectly compatible. Liking sex and desiring it are not necessarily connected.

Be wary of being hopeful of a low testosterone diagnosis; even if this is a problem that your husband is facing, it doesn't mean that he can't also be asexual.

Obviously, I do not know the teachings that you received, and I do not know which, if any of them, you are willing to not follow. So, only you can make that choice. Another option to consider is this: Having a committed/married relationship, but with sex from outside that relationship. This could be of the committed type - 1 married partner and 1 non-married sexual partner - or something else entirely. You don't have to disregard your teachings in order to accept that there are thousands of different interpretations.

And, people have probably already said this, be honest and open with each other and yourselves. Don't water down the truth for the other person. Also, I don't know how old your children are, but sometimes talking to children can be helpful in learning about yourselves, and deciding a course of action for your lives. Changes in family structure has benefited many married families with children.

Thank you for this. I think this is key--you can like sex, and still be asexual. He loved me first because he said I lived a well-examined life. Now, it's his turn. I think there's a lot foaming under the surface he hasn't discovered about himself yet.

I can't say I haven't considered options that involve taking lovers--I have, numerous times. But right now, I don't see us being there without him being hurt or us both doing something rash. That's not acceptable to me. I am desperate...but not quite that desperate yet.

As far as the children, they are very young--not even school age.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Just thought I'd check in, although I don't know what, if anything, has changed. He is trying. I see the therapist with him tonight and I am pretty nervous.

He wants to make me happy, but I don't know what that even looks like. I've been feeling pretty blue about it.

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I'm keenly interested in the outcome, JiltedVenus.

I'm not hopeful for my own situation because my wife won't see a therapist.

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Down in Texas

At least he is willing to acknowledge that there is a problem and is TRYING. That is more than some. Like my husband he believes that there is nothing wrong with him mentally and that his Low T is the problem (which it is not)

My fear has always been since most of society thinks that it is the woman that is at fault when the man does not want sex that if the Theropist is not familiar with Asexuality that they could in reality not intentionally do more harm than good. I have read so many books looking for answers before I found AVEN and NONE of them addressed the fact of a woman not getting the sex she needs.

I can not tell you what to do and you and only you can know what to do and how far to go with this. However if I did not like what I heard after the first meeting I think I and I emphasize I would go prepared with some of the information from this site that can be found on the Home page.

I WISH you both the best.

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Hi. This is my first post. I'm sexual and have been living with my man for nearly 7 years. If I was to guess, we've probably made love less than 20 times. It's been a few years now. I've been hurting, lonely, yearning and tonight I'm 99% sure I've found the "why" behind his complete lack of interest.

I've been reading through this site for some hours now and this line of chat has been especially informative. I'm not looking for answers from any of you. My reason for joining as a member tonight (after being told about AVEN today) is to pass on my GENUINE thanks to you all for being so honest and kind. It seems we're all vulnerable and I'm going to sign off with a far greater understanding of and compassion for a man whom I love and admire, but until now didn't know whether I would continue to "persevere" with.

Through the honesty of AVEN members we are empowered with more information, and in all relationships that can only be a better thing. Thank you all, and may your day be that much brighter in knowing that you helped.

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Hi. This is my first post. I'm sexual and have been living with my man for nearly 7 years. If I was to guess, we've probably made love less than 20 times. It's been a few years now. I've been hurting, lonely, yearning and tonight I'm 99% sure I've found the "why" behind his complete lack of interest.

I've been reading through this site for some hours now and this line of chat has been especially informative. I'm not looking for answers from any of you. My reason for joining as a member tonight (after being told about AVEN today) is to pass on my GENUINE thanks to you all for being so honest and kind. It seems we're all vulnerable and I'm going to sign off with a far greater understanding of and compassion for a man whom I love and admire, but until now didn't know whether I would continue to "persevere" with.

Through the honesty of AVEN members we are empowered with more information, and in all relationships that can only be a better thing. Thank you all, and may your day be that much brighter in knowing that you helped.

I'm so glad you feel you have gotten some answers. I certainly don't have any to offer, but I am glad you feel less alone. What do you think you will do?

The counseling session was hard. The therapist let me talk, and let my husband respond. My husband is angry because he feels in the six weeks he's been in therapy, he's made progress towards being less anxious about sex, and doing things that I like more (oral sex was the bone of contention, mainly.) He says he feels like I won't let him change now. I told him that I've been hurt so many times, or laughed at when I come on to him, that it is hard to suddenly switch gears. He says he now likes oral sex and enjoys sex more...after six weeks, which I find hard to believe. I think what he really wants is to make me happy and I love him for it, but I still don't think we are anywhere near the heart of the matter. And anyway, how was I supposed to know his preferences had changed, when he never told me?

We realized that we never, ever, EVER talk about sex unless within the context of a fight. Ever. We were considered the most prepared young couple our pastor had ever married. Do you want to know the extent of sexual education we were given? "Don't have sex until you're married. Sex is beautiful and if you wait for marriage God will bless you. Here's a book about sex that will convince frigid wives to put out. Don't read it until right before the wedding so you won't fall into temptation." We have never, ever learned to talk about sexual preferences. "I like to be sucked, but not suctioned. I like to be nibbled, not bitten." Totally outside of conversations we have had.

The counselor asked me if what I was after was to feel loved and desired. I told him that I always have been certain my husband loves me and desires me...in the ways that he knows how. The problem is that I know there are leagues and leagues between the first kiss and intercourse that we have never explored. So yes, as far as my husband's knowledge extends, he does love me and desire me.

Then at the end of the night, the counselor said something that blew my mind. He called sex "the coin of the realm." Obviously this is true. It has been true in every interaction I have ever had with a male, my entire life. It didn't matter if we ever touched. Once I got into my twenties and knew what I was about, I knew sex was the coin of the realm. And what's more, so did every man I've ever met...until my husband.

I am married to someone who does not use my currency. Can he learn to use it? I don't know. I know that we must learn how to talk about sex. That's the first step. But to realize that...it is huge. I don't know what it means or what the implications are. This all feels huge, but I don't feel overwhelmed. For the first time I have some hope. I don't even know what I hope for. He is more discouraged and depressed, and he's mad at me. I am expecting to get blamed a lot because this is an ugly process.

I haven't forgotten about you all. Thank you for being here.

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Hang in there!

When I first found AVEN and showed my husband his first reaction was anger and to a certain extent it lasted about three months. Then he read a post made by someone else and accused me of writing it which I hadn't . After he read it he said that sounds like they are writing about me. It was then that we finally opened up and began to talk. I found out a lot including that he had been masturbating for years in private while I was anxiously waiting for him in bed during our early years then he would tell me we could not have sex that often or he would run out of sperm. Years have gone by and I just recently found out even with him having ED problems now he still masturbates in private instead of letting me do it. Which I would gladly do if he would let me.

Like you I had the same sexual training and knowledge before marriage. And like you I know there has to be more than he will allow between us. For starters he has one goal once we start and that is for him to finish. And once he has it is over even if I am not. Yes after 40+ years it has not always been that short and I satisfying but it has been more his way than mine. Like you I know there has to be more. But after 40 years I have pretty much given up on anything extra I have just reconciled that I know he loves me with all he knows how to give and that the best is behind me. I live on memories now with the occasional sexual activity that varies on his mood.

I know I probably have not been much encouragement but please don't give up. Keep trying even if it takes a while to get past his anger if he is like my husband he thinks that there are more like him than you think and that those that really talk about sex are making it up so to speak just to impress others like locker room talk.

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JiltedVenus, you asked what I might do. It's been only 24 hours and I'm not about to make any decisions in haste. When I take the "me" out of the equation I find it easier to look at him and his circumstances. If he was an animal that I loved and he needed special consideration, I wouldn't hesitate to show him that for as long as he needed. Similarly, if he was my child, sibling or parent I would tolerate so much in my love and compassion for him. When I take my needs out of the equation it's quite clear that he's a truly lovely man who I consider one of my closest friends. As so many have said on this site, if ever we have heated conversations, they're usually about sex (& that's about once a year when I'm full of pent up emotion). If that's the only thing it all comes back to, I can't help but think we should be above that and be so very grateful for every other blessing we have been given.

I don't feel sorry for him, but I certainly do feel compassion for him. I know he feels he's somewhat not worthy or that he's let me down and isn't a good partner because he doesn't fulfil my needs. It's sad that he feels guilt for not "performing" and I feel guilt for pressing him for something he's not able to give.

I'll keep reading through this site, reminding myself of how fortunate I am in so many other areas of my life. The one thing I'm sure of is that when I brush this to the back of my mind and return to my happy self and speak to him with kindness in my voice - then you wouldn't find a happier man. I need to accept the things I can't change and embrace those things I would never want to change in him. (Well, that's tonight anyway ... tomorrow I may be back to feeling sorry for myself! Oh, we tangled humans ...) :wacko:

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Hey all.

I've been absent for a couple weeks, so please bear with my references to older posts.

The first thing I would like to say, is that at one point, JiltedVenus, you said that your husband doesn't like the label asexual. That's great. I'm not being sarcastic; I actually think that's wonderful. The label asexual is by no means very descriptive; it means one thing and one thing only. An asexual experiences no sexual attraction and/or no desire for partnered sex. That label is a very broad, detail-less thing. I like to say that it's analogous to me saying that I'm a physicist. For casual conversation, that suffices, but in reality, it tells you almost nothing about what I do except that it has something to do with the physical sciences, probably. It tells you nothing about what area of physics I am into, what things push my buttons, what I am passionate about or what I do to put food on the table. Asexual is the same kind of label; it is a very broad, minimally-descriptive thing. It is good enough for casual conversation, but in order to really get to know someone, it is nothing.

That's why I don't think it's a bad thing that he has rejected the label, whether or not it fits. From what I read, he sounds like a very thoughtful, thorough human being. I can only hope that this means that he is really, truly trying to figure himself out. Labels don't always help with that. In fact, when I first started exploring this website and finding things that "clicked" about my own asexuality, I didn't use the label either. It took me a long time to truly explore myself to the point where I felt that I knew myself enough to say anything about my own sexuality. That's not an easy thing to do. As a society, we don't exactly encourage people to explore their own sexualities, and when people do, it is often jeered at or made fun of. Your husband may simply feel like no label is exactly right, and if that's the case, I would support him. Everyone is completely individual, and no label is completely universal. Maybe later, when this whole bump in the road has become more manageable, he may chose a label for the sake of convenience when talking to others, or he may decide that he doesn't wish to talk to others about it and so feels no need to ever have a label. Either way, I know first hand how hard a journey your husband is going through, and if I were him, the best I could ever ask for in a loving wife would be unconditional support. Which it sounds like you are doing incredibly well. My best suggestion would be to ask him what he would like you to refer to his sexuality as, and use whatever word he comes up with. Heck, if he asks you to call him a dishwasher, go for it. It's not the word that matters, it's the work that you two are putting in to understanding each other that makes your bond so special and valuable. If anything, not using labels will avoid confusions and misunderstandings, so this can work in your favour.

As for quick changes, I wouldn't say those are impossible. I remember when I finally became ok with sex, it happened rather quickly. Within the span of a week or two, I went from thinking of sex as only this really scary thing that made me nauseous, to an ok thing I might be able to do. The change came with a change in paradigm for me; when I found out about asexuality, and about compromise in sexual relationships shortly thereafter, I realized it was ok not to want it for purely my own pleasure. I realized that it was ok to have sex without "needing" it. Previous to that point, I had only ever thought of losing my virginity as a thing that I should want. After all, everything I had been told said that if I wasn't giving "enthusiastic consent", which I took to mean I had to be really into it and aroused, then it was tantamount to rape. However, after a conversation or two around AVEN, I realized that maybe it was ok to perform sexual acts that I felt comfortable with without feeling that instinctual need to do so. Maybe I could do some things purely for the purpose of pleasuring my partner. That flipped a switch for me, and suddenly I was much more capable of doing sexy things. The pressure was off me to enjoy them myself; that didn't have to be the only reason I did them any more. So I had sex with my boyfriend shortly thereafter, and it was for his pleasure and he enjoyed it. That's enough for me to make it worthwhile. That's not to say that I can have as much sex as he would like, but I do my best, and he understands that it's the best gift and display of love that I can give him.

So quick turn-arounds are possible. Not inevitable, but possible. Slow turnarounds are also possible. Everything is possible. As such, I think the most important, and hardest thing ever, to do right now is to trust your husband. It's hard to trust someone when you know they are having trouble themselves, but it's necessary. No one but himself can figure out what he wants and enjoys. So you just have to let him explore, and trust him when he tells you something he likes or wants. It'll be hard; he may change his mind frequently until he figures it out, and he may still change his mind even years from now. People aren't static. And he may even inadvertently lie to you, saying he likes something and then realizing that maybe he really doesn't like it as much as he originally thought. That will be a very frustrating process for both of you, but it will pay off in the end if you can do that. If you can forgive him his clumsiness while he figures things out, and if you can show him that you are willing to accept what he says as true, then it will make it a lot easier for him to tell you things as he goes. Communication is the key, even when he doesn't want to talk about it. Patience is also key. You have to understand that it's hard to figure out what about sex we like, when the media tells us a very distinct picture and doesn't allow for much variation, and that goes for asexuals and sexuals alike. You yourself will probably find the same thing; while speaking about sexuality, this may be a good opportunity to explore yourself as well.

That's the best I can think of for now. You are one of the most patient, compassionate people I have seen around here, but it'll still be hard. I know, I've been there. In many ways, I am still there. But only he can know whether he likes something or not, and sometimes he may have to try it a few times to figure that out. He has the ability at any time to decide he actually does like something or in fact does not. And the best you can do is listen and take him at his word for it. That will show immense trust and respect, and I hope that will make communication easier.

You're an amazing person, and your husband sounds like a wonderful match for you. The road of mixed relationships, whether between a sexual and an asexual, or between someone of one sexuality and someone of another, are always going to be hard. You're in for a lifetime of work, if you so choose, but I firmly believe that it can also be a lifetime of reward if you so desire. My heart goes out to you and your husband, please know that I wish you both the best in your journeys.

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Heart, I can't thank you enough for this. I'm going to PM you.

Things have been a lot better between us since our last session. We haven't talked about it much, but the sex has been much more satisfying. I see the therapist on my own on Thursday evening.

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