New, looking for some guidance

[JiltedVenus]

I'm really glad I found this forum. I hope someone can help me.

I've been married to my husband for 9 years. We are Christians and waited until marriage to have sex (I was not a virgin, he was.) I had only had one other partner for a brief period before marriage, but plenty of boyfriends. I was his first kiss, first orgasm, first everything.

The problems started almost immediately on the honeymoon. We did have sex, but then one day he turned me down. I have always felt dissatisfied with our sexual relationship. He has had lots of performance issues over the years, and none of the usual tricks to get him going again (oral, hand stimulation) work. In fact it was several years into our marriage before he was even willing to let me handle him much in that area.

We will bump along for awhile with decent sex once a week or so, in which we both climax, but I still don't feel satisfied. (Part of the problem is I don't like the way he kisses me, and all my tips over the years seem to have fallen on deaf ears. He doesn't know how to take non-verbal cues, especially in the bedroom.) Then we'll hit a rough patch in which he'll have problems performing. This will be followed by some highly emotional conversations about it in which I beg him to get help and he says he will but then never does. This has gone on for the past NINE YEARS. During our most recent "rash" of problems, he finally admitted to me that he just doesn't have a lot of sexual desires. He likes being married to me; he likes the female form, he likes the female companionship, but he said he doesn't at all relate to my passionate desires for sex. He just doesn't think about it. He never masturbated. He never looked at porn. Some of this was due to upbringing but most of it, he says, was due to total lack of curiosity.

I do everything I can to keep myself in shape. I have not let my weight get out of control. I get stares when I go out and guys still hit on me when I'm on my own. I've been told many, many times that I'm beautiful. I dress nicely, always, do my hair, and put on makeup. I try hard to approve of him, to stroke his ego, to take an interest in the things that matter to him. This isn't hard as we are best friends. I love our friendship. We have two beautiful children together. We have a lot of the same interests, even more so after 9 years. I do love him very much but this is killing me when I really stop to think about it, and I don't know what to do.

I have considered having an affair, but am afraid I would leave him if I did, because even after 9 years of being together and all the wonderful memories we've created, the sex has never been as good as that one brief month I had with my one other lover. To me, the pain a divorce would cause our children is untenable.

We were raised to believe that if we saved sex for marriage we would be rewarded with amazing sex. I was raised to believe that men were lustful creatures and only my dressing modestly and acting appropriately would save me from being ravished. I couldn't wait to get married and be ravished all the time. I am angry beyond belief and bitterly disappointed that this has not happened.

He has finally gone to see a doctor to check for low testosterone, and is also seeing a sex therapist. He will still initiate from time to time. He says he enjoys sex, but just doesn't think about it much or have a big desire for it. My sexuality is a major part of my identity so I don't relate to this at all. To me sex is tied to approval. I am VERY slowly learning that it isn't; that I can be beautiful even when he turns me down (which happens) or he can't keep it up (which also happens.)

I'm trying to be strong for him and cheer him on but really, I'm dying inside. It's terrible to think that this might be my life...forever.

[joesantus]

As a highly Sexual married 33 years to an Asexual woman, I empathize with you and the despair you feel. I understand the taffy-pull between loving your partner dearly and having unmet needs of connection through sexual intimacy. Many on this site are Sexuals in long-term situations similar or nearly-identical to yours. We love our partners and do not want to live our lives without them, but we can't escape the pain we feel because of our unsatisfied affectional/sensual/sexua/ desires.

If in fact your partner is Asexual, then, yes, this will likely be your life forever. Asexuality is the same as, say, Heterosexuality, Bisexuality, Homosexuality, or Pansexuality in that it's an intrinsic part of a person.

As reading other threads on the site will inform you, an Asexual/Sexual couple can sometimes work out "compromises" to mitigate their sexual dilemma. Compromises don't solve the dilemma, of course, but might help to lessen its effects.

You've worked out sexual compromises already, actually. Another mentioned on the site (and one which my wife and I have used for about the past ten years) is Open Marriage or an open-marriage-type arrangement. In contrast to affairs, which violate trust, block open communication, and often can damage or even destroy a relationship, open marriage is by mutual consent and full knowledge of each partner. Open marriage isn't for most, and is certainly complicated in several aspects, but it can be successfully undertaken (as my wife and I have found). Since you're both Christians, however, open marriage may not be compatible with your beliefs, so may not be an option.

[Member54880]

Welcome!

We were raised to believe that if we saved sex for marriage we would be rewarded with amazing sex. I was raised to believe that men were lustful creatures and only my dressing modestly and acting appropriately would save me from being ravished. I couldn't wait to get married and be ravished all the time. I am angry beyond belief and bitterly disappointed that this has not happened.

You don't say if you and him were brought up under the Purity Culture within Fundamentalism, but what you described strongly reminds me of it.

Putting marital sex on such a huge pedestal has set a lot of people up for disappointment. You are far from the only one who felt that way. I don't know if this applies to either or both of you, but after a person is taught to feel ashamed of sexual feelings for so long, they just can't instantly get rid of those feelings on the wedding night.

That's great you're in the process of unlearning your association of sex with social approval, because having sex just for the sake of approval or feeling validated is not a healthy reason. What significance does have have to you, other than that?

It's possible that his performance issues may be performance anxiety in part have to do with his upbringing, those norms about men being inherently lustful, etc. and it can take a lot of time to unlearn them. That is not to say that his upbringing invalidates his asexuality though.

I wonder if first you'll both need time to separate how each of you really feel about sex from the norms you've been taught, and perhaps you could help each other on that, then you could talk about sexual compromise? Best of luck to you both!

[JiltedVenus]

You don't say if you and him were brought up under the Purity Culture within Fundamentalism, but what you described strongly reminds me of it.

Yes, we were raised in that culture. I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and signed a covenant with my parents and everything. I later rebelled and decided I wasn't a slut if I had more than one boyfriend...but the shaming I experienced when I did finally have sex for the first time was really awful. I never really recovered.

Putting marital sex on such a huge pedestal has set a lot of people up for disappointment. You are far from the only one who felt that way. I don't know if this applies to either or both of you, but after a person is taught to feel ashamed of sexual feelings for so long, they just can't instantly get rid of those feelings on the wedding night.

I was really looking forward to our wedding night. I didn't feel any shame. I was excited. He never really made out with me before we were married. He never once touched me in a sexual fashion. I thought it was all down to his immense self control. But recently, as we've been opening up to each other more, he's said he just had zero curiosity. He said he doesn't feel like he's repressed or experiences shame about sex or even sexual thoughts, he just rarely has them.

having sex just for the sake of approval or feeling validated is not a healthy reason. What significance does have have to you, other than that?

I agree. Well, that's something I'm trying to tease out. For me, being so passionate and sensual, I think a lot of it is scratching an itch. It is a physical need for me. I guess I do feel closer to him when we do it, but not always. There never has been much intimacy in the way we have sex. The only reason I know this is because I have a frame of reference--my previous experiences.

I wonder if first you'll both need time to separate how each of you really feel about sex from the norms you've been taught, and perhaps you could help each other on that, then you could talk about sexual compromise?

This is going to take a lot of time. I actually want to go and see this therapist on my own, and I am hoping that he can help us. It's just been so long in coming, and the heartbreak has been there for such a long time.

I understand the taffy-pull between loving your partner dearly and having unmet needs of connection through sexual intimacy. We love our partners and do not want to live our lives without them, but we can't escape the pain we feel because of our unsatisfied affectional/sensual/sexua/ desires.

This is exactly how I feel. Taffy pulling is a tremendous analogy. Thanks, joesantus--and I don't think open marriage is an option, for numerous reasons. :-/

[Caspian]

I'm also a Christian. And I used to think that I was asexual due to my extremely conservative upbringing which continuously emphasized chastity. I was raised to believe that even social interactions with woman should be kept to a minimum. Being naturally shy, I soaked up this message like a sponge. My pastors (and parents) were so concerned that their boys would "burn with passion" that from the time I was very young, I was taught to identify the female form as something to be avoided at all costs. I'm sure these messages are well-intentioned.... but eventually, the anti-sex message got so engrained into my core that I didn't realize that I was repressed.

Now, I don't know your husband.... so I don't want to give your false hope. It's possible that he truly doesn't have a sex drive. But don't give up, either. While it's possible that your husband is asexual, don't give up unless you're sure that there will never be anything more in your relationship. But I used to be someone who had zero curriosity for females, and it turned out to be something artificial which was incredibly engrained into me through my upbringing.

I'd recommend seeking Christian counseling together on this issue. I remember hearing about a book written about the repression our churches program into kids a while back..... but sorry, I can't remember enough details to find it for you :(.

[JiltedVenus]

I'm also a Christian. And I used to think that I was asexual due to my extremely conservative upbringing which continuously emphasized chastity. I was raised to believe that even social interactions with woman should be kept to a minimum. Being naturally shy, I soaked up this message like a sponge. My pastors (and parents) were so concerned that their boys would "burn with passion" that from the time I was very young, I was taught to identify the female form as something to be avoided at all costs. I'm sure these messages are well-intentioned.... but eventually, the anti-sex message got so engrained into my core that I didn't realize that I was repressed.

Now, I don't know your husband.... so I don't want to give your false hope. It's possible that he truly doesn't have a sex drive. But don't give up, either. While it's possible that your husband is asexual, don't give up unless you're sure that there will never be anything more in your relationship. But I used to be someone who had zero curriosity for females, and it turned out to be something artificial which was incredibly engrained into me through my upbringing.

I'd recommend seeking Christian counseling together on this issue. I remember hearing about a book written about the repression our churches program into kids a while back..... but sorry, I can't remember enough details to find it for you :(.

Caspian,

What helped you overcome this? How did you manage to start having those feelings, when you hadn't before?

I admit I do currently feel like giving up. If I wasn't so afraid of the social fallout (everyone views my husband as perfect and I would receive all the blame for leaving him, I'd be an outcast, what about our children, etc. etc. etc.) I would probably be more willing to leave.

I have thought more about an open marriage, but the problem is that I fall in love very easily. I think that if I was with someone else who fulfilled my sexual needs, I'd leave my husband.

The idea of trying to go through counseling and work through all of this is exhausting to me. I have experienced so much pain and rejection for so long, through no fault of his.

This morning, after yet another failed sex attempt last night (we are going on a full month of him not being able to perform) I told him that I release him from the expectations about sex I've held all our married life--mainly that as a guy he should be able to get it up pretty much any time, and that he should be interested as much or more than I am, etc. etc. etc. I felt it was important to tear down what's been built, look at the foundation, and see if or how to rebuild, if that makes sense. My expectations are based on Every. Other. Guy. I have ever been with. But he's not like that.

I am reeling quite a bit and have been crying a lot today. I don't know how to go on bearing this.

[JDP]

I'm really glad I found this forum. I hope someone can help me.

I've been married to my husband for 9 years. We are Christians and waited until marriage to have sex (I was not a virgin, he was.) I had only had one other partner for a brief period before marriage, but plenty of boyfriends. I was his first kiss, first orgasm, first everything.

The problems started almost immediately on the honeymoon. We did have sex, but then one day he turned me down. I have always felt dissatisfied with our sexual relationship. He has had lots of performance issues over the years, and none of the usual tricks to get him going again (oral, hand stimulation) work. In fact it was several years into our marriage before he was even willing to let me handle him much in that area.

We will bump along for awhile with decent sex once a week or so, in which we both climax, but I still don't feel satisfied. (Part of the problem is I don't like the way he kisses me, and all my tips over the years seem to have fallen on deaf ears. He doesn't know how to take non-verbal cues, especially in the bedroom.) Then we'll hit a rough patch in which he'll have problems performing. This will be followed by some highly emotional conversations about it in which I beg him to get help and he says he will but then never does. This has gone on for the past NINE YEARS. During our most recent "rash" of problems, he finally admitted to me that he just doesn't have a lot of sexual desires. He likes being married to me; he likes the female form, he likes the female companionship, but he said he doesn't at all relate to my passionate desires for sex. He just doesn't think about it. He never masturbated. He never looked at porn. Some of this was due to upbringing but most of it, he says, was due to total lack of curiosity.

I do everything I can to keep myself in shape. I have not let my weight get out of control. I get stares when I go out and guys still hit on me when I'm on my own. I've been told many, many times that I'm beautiful. I dress nicely, always, do my hair, and put on makeup. I try hard to approve of him, to stroke his ego, to take an interest in the things that matter to him. This isn't hard as we are best friends. I love our friendship. We have two beautiful children together. We have a lot of the same interests, even more so after 9 years. I do love him very much but this is killing me when I really stop to think about it, and I don't know what to do.

I have considered having an affair, but am afraid I would leave him if I did, because even after 9 years of being together and all the wonderful memories we've created, the sex has never been as good as that one brief month I had with my one other lover. To me, the pain a divorce would cause our children is untenable.

We were raised to believe that if we saved sex for marriage we would be rewarded with amazing sex. I was raised to believe that men were lustful creatures and only my dressing modestly and acting appropriately would save me from being ravished. I couldn't wait to get married and be ravished all the time. I am angry beyond belief and bitterly disappointed that this has not happened.

He has finally gone to see a doctor to check for low testosterone, and is also seeing a sex therapist. He will still initiate from time to time. He says he enjoys sex, but just doesn't think about it much or have a big desire for it. My sexuality is a major part of my identity so I don't relate to this at all. To me sex is tied to approval. I am VERY slowly learning that it isn't; that I can be beautiful even when he turns me down (which happens) or he can't keep it up (which also happens.)

I'm trying to be strong for him and cheer him on but really, I'm dying inside. It's terrible to think that this might be my life...forever.

I'm an asexual married to a sexual. I know how difficult this is for you, because I am putting my wife through the same thing, and it pains me a great deal.

It may not mean much, but I can tell you that the way your husband feels, or doesn't feel, has nothing to do with you. I'm sure he entered his marriage with you with the best of intentions.

We can take this offline if you want, but you and your husband will have to work out some kind of compromise if your marriage will survive.

LadyGirl knows a lot about this subject. She's sexual married to an asexual, and they've worked something out.

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome! I have indeed been through a lot of the same feelings and bitter discussions that you have. My husband and I came to an agreement a couple of years ago that we would have relations once a month. For the most part this went pretty well until this year. I do believe he is feeling less and less interested and therefore simply doesn't want to bother with a potential failed attempt.

Oddly enough, I am not as upset and bitter as I expected myself to be or have been in the past. I'm not quite in the change yet so it's not that. I just don't feel as unhappy (angry or sad) as I used to. Perhaps I am content with a different kind of connection for now. But this is about you, so...

Since you do feel unhappy (and believe me, I have had some unhappy days in our 27 years together) there are a few things you could do to work towards a more manageable sexual relationship with him. You could ask him about frequency...what is comfortable for him (not too much) and what do you feel is the least you can go with. I suggest being totally honest and each of you first stating your ideal frequency, then what might be midway and thinking about if that would be somewhat satisfactory for each of you (this resultant amount should be close to the most for him and the least that is comfortable for you). We personally did not get into other activities than what we were both used to, but varied sex acts is another area you may want to discuss. Initiation is another point of issue for many couples. I got tired of being rejected and continually posing and hoping it would lead to something so we agreed that he would decide what day each month and as for initiation he used a simple phrase that we both recognized as a cue.

Those are some things to start with. I know it seems like a daunting and hopeless situation and you have told him you're done trying, no more. But, you may as well be as realistic as you can be too...you are saying you don't want to give up on the relationship so don't. Try talking through some of these things first and give some things a go. It's worth it if you want to be together.

I also recommend reading the Front Page FAQs especially the Relationship FAQs...they were a huge help to me. The other thing that helped me was listening to other asexuals in relationships talk about how they feel...put myself in his shoes a little I guess. I hope some of these ideas are helpful.

[Caspian]

What helped you overcome this? How did you manage to start having those feelings, when you hadn't before?

First, I want to reemphasize that I was never asexual. I just thought I was. If your husband is asexual, what happened to me s quite unlikely. I have no idea how many people there are in the world like me-- I only know my story. I somewhat regret my original post because I really don't want to give you false hope.

Nobody could pressure me to unleash the sex drive I was suppressing. Actually, I had been suppressing for so long that I didn't realize it anymore. In fact, the more girls chased me and the more erotica I saw, the tighter I withdrew into the fort I had built in my mind. I knew I felt different from everyone else and it felt weird. But I didn't understand the things that I felt (or the lack thereof). Finally, I came to the point that I was comfortable and willing to accept my sexual orentation.... whatever that may be. It was only when I was comfortable enough with myself that I tried embracing (what I thought was) my asexuality that I realized that I'm not asexual. And it was then that I realized that it's OK to let my sexuality start to come out.

Regardless of whether your husband is a repressed asexual (as I was) or an asexual, the best thing you really can do is accept that he is the way he is... and encourage him to accept himself the way he is. I know that's probably not what you want to hear.... but you can't pressure him to be someone who he's not.

I'm sorry that I don't have the magic answer. And I'm terribly sorry if my previous post made it sound like I did.

[JiltedVenus]

What helped you overcome this? How did you manage to start having those feelings, when you hadn't before?

First, I want to reemphasize that I was never asexual. I just thought I was. If your husband is asexual, what happened to me s quite unlikely. I have no idea how many people there are in the world like me-- I only know my story. I somewhat regret my original post because I really don't want to give you false hope.

Nobody could pressure me to unleash the sex drive I was suppressing. Actually, I had been suppressing for so long that I didn't realize it anymore. In fact, the more girls chased me and the more erotica I saw, the tighter I withdrew into the fort I had built in my mind. I knew I felt different from everyone else and it felt weird. But I didn't understand the things that I felt (or the lack thereof). Finally, I came to the point that I was comfortable and willing to accept my sexual orentation.... whatever that may be. It was only when I was comfortable enough with myself that I tried embracing (what I thought was) my asexuality that I realized that I'm not asexual. And it was then that I realized that it's OK to let my sexuality start to come out.

Regardless of whether your husband is a repressed asexual (as I was) or an asexual, the best thing you really can do is accept that he is the way he is... and encourage him to accept himself the way he is. I know that's probably not what you want to hear.... but you can't pressure him to be someone who he's not.

I'm sorry that I don't have the magic answer. And I'm terribly sorry if my previous post made it sound like I did.

Caspian,

I don't at all think you have any magic answers--no one does. This is painful and hard, and no one can really guide me beyond offering tools and new perspectives, which is why I am glad I found this place.

Last night we talked some more. I asked him if he could tell me how often he would want sex, if it were entirely up to him. He said every two weeks. He loves cuddling and hugging, and he knows this is important to me so he does this a lot, like stroking my arm when we sit on the couch together. I asked if he ever had sexual thoughts when he saw a woman with a nice rack, for example, and he said yes, but that it didn't really go farther than that. It was kind of like: "Oh, cool." And then he'd move on.

He is still hoping this is an issue with low testosterone. We will find out about that on Thursday. The testosterone treatments may render him infertile, but we are desperate, and we already have two gorgeous boys.

Caspian, or anyone, I know that you can't really answer this. I guess it's rhetorical, but I just have to ask: if he really is asexual or demisexual, how can I encourage him to accept who he is when who he is feels like a rejection? He's crazy about me, in his own way, but I would like sex pretty much every day. My needs for sensuality and passion are about 300% more than his.

What can I do? How can I bear it?

[JDP]

I'm not sure there's anything either one of you can do. If he's really asexual, more testosterone is not going to help. I know it's of little solace to you, but it's not your fault, and it's not his, either.

[Lady Girl]

I agree there is nothing you can really do. The two of you will decide if it's something you can live with and still be happy. If you can't be happy most of the time, I don't know that you can bear it.

It seems to me that the more I focused on what I wanted sensually, the less I thought about the 90-98% other wonderfulness that is our relationship. When I made a sincere effort to think about what I have instead of what I don't have, a lot of my unhappiness disappeared.

It's mostly how you think, since there's not so much to actually do.

[JiltedVenus]

I'm not sure there's anything either one of you can do. If he's really asexual, more testosterone is not going to help. I know it's of little solace to you, but it's not your fault, and it's not his, either.

There's no point in him taking a supplement unless his testosterone is low. I know it's no one's fault.

I agree there is nothing you can really do. The two of you will decide if it's something you can live with and still be happy. If you can't be happy most of the time, I don't know that you can bear it.

It seems to me that the more I focused on what I wanted sensually, the less I thought about the 90-98% other wonderfulness that is our relationship. When I made a sincere effort to think about what I have instead of what I don't have, a lot of my unhappiness disappeared.

It's mostly how you think, since there's not so much to actually do.

I agree with this. I always thought that passion and sensuality would just come with time. I don't really know why since that was never the case in my other relationships--either it was there or it wasn't. Right now I just feel trapped. Trapped by my love for him and our kids, trapped by my desires, trapped by the strict moral code with which we were raised...which all feels like a lie now.

[Down in Texas]

I too am a sexual married to what I have recently discovered is a Gray A by his own admission for over 40 years I only found AVEN about a year and a half ago. Until I found AVEN I read every book I could find on male sexual behavior and marriage relationship self help books. None of the books every addressed MY problem. None of them talked about a wife that did not get the sex she needed they were all about men that did not get the sex they needed from their wives. It was not until I found AVEN that I found the answers I so wish I had found years ago. I know it would not have done anything other than releave the pressure I had put on myself wondering what I had done wrong or why I was no longer attractive enough for my husband to find me desireable. For eighteen years I initiated all the sex we ever had it was not until I read one book that sai I was robbing my husband of his masculinity by always being the aggressor and I needed to allow him to make the first move. That was the worst advise I every received. That was the beginning of our major downhill slide that we have never recovered from.

About twenty years into our marriage they discovered my husband had Low T. They started him on patches first they fell off due to sweat. We then went on pills but they did not raise his levels high enough. Then he was on shots first dose was 2 ml every three weeks then every two weeks. Still his levels fluctuated to much now he is on the gel it keeps his levels high enough and at an even level. However none of this helped his sex drive. But it did help his over all health and his moods. Another thing you may need to know if he is truly asexual there is nothing that will help his desire for sex. We have also tried every pill for ED they make none of them have helped him maintain an erection.

The brain is the largest sex organ in the body and it is the most important factor in sex. It is also the most negative thing going against you for an asexual. The brain has to want sex not just want to want sex. For my asexual he wants to want sex but has told me he does not know how to start sex or what to do once he starts. He try's to turn me on to turn himself on and unfortunately it no longer works that way for me. I need to feel his desire for me in order to get aroused now.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't get your hopes to high on the Low T solving the problems.

Best of luck to you both. The one thing I can tell you is that my husband loves me as much as any one could possibly love another he just can't show it sexually.

[JiltedVenus]

I too am a sexual married to what I have recently discovered is a Gray A by his own admission for over 40 years I only found AVEN about a year and a half ago. Until I found AVEN I read every book I could find on male sexual behavior and marriage relationship self help books. None of the books every addressed MY problem. None of them talked about a wife that did not get the sex she needed they were all about men that did not get the sex they needed from their wives. It was not until I found AVEN that I found the answers I so wish I had found years ago. I know it would not have done anything other than releave the pressure I had put on myself wondering what I had done wrong or why I was no longer attractive enough for my husband to find me desireable. For eighteen years I initiated all the sex we ever had it was not until I read one book that sai I was robbing my husband of his masculinity by always being the aggressor and I needed to allow him to make the first move. That was the worst advise I every received. That was the beginning of our major downhill slide that we have never recovered from.

About twenty years into our marriage they discovered my husband had Low T. They started him on patches first they fell off due to sweat. We then went on pills but they did not raise his levels high enough. Then he was on shots first dose was 2 ml every three weeks then every two weeks. Still his levels fluctuated to much now he is on the gel it keeps his levels high enough and at an even level. However none of this helped his sex drive. But it did help his over all health and his moods. Another thing you may need to know if he is truly asexual there is nothing that will help his desire for sex. We have also tried every pill for ED they make none of them have helped him maintain an erection.

The brain is the largest sex organ in the body and it is the most important factor in sex. It is also the most negative thing going against you for an asexual. The brain has to want sex not just want to want sex. For my asexual he wants to want sex but has told me he does not know how to start sex or what to do once he starts. He try's to turn me on to turn himself on and unfortunately it no longer works that way for me. I need to feel his desire for me in order to get aroused now.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't get your hopes to high on the Low T solving the problems.

Best of luck to you both. The one thing I can tell you is that my husband loves me as much as any one could possibly love another he just can't show it sexually.

This is what breaks my heart. I have read so many Christian sex books, all of which focus on convincing the woman to put out. There is NOTHING out there that deals with this issue. I feel so alone, and there's an inevitable slut-shaming thing that happens too, because I want it way more than he does.

My hopes aren't high on low T. His are. He really feels he has an unhealthily low sex drive. He sees the urologist tomorrow in order to find out about the bloodwork. Hearing that it may, or may not work, just encourages me to keep my expectations low.

I know that he loves me more than anything. I also know that a lot of our relationship is great. I relate to what Lady Girl said about focusing on the good parts of our relationship--in the past, that is what I have done. This time I have had more trouble with that; my needs are very real and very big right now thanks to how bad things have been lately. To say: "well, our relationship is great in every other respect" feels like settling and just lying about my needs. How have other sexuals gotten past that? It feels like you just start ignoring who you are and forget about what you need and want. How is that right?

[JDP]

I relate to what Lady Girl said about focusing on the good parts of our relationship--in the past, that is what I have done. This time I have had more trouble with that; my needs are very real and very big right now thanks to how bad things have been lately. To say: "well, our relationship is great in every other respect" feels like settling and just lying about my needs. How have other sexuals gotten past that? It feels like you just start ignoring who you are and forget about what you need and want. How is that right?

You don't have a relationship, though. You have a marriage. It's different.

[JiltedVenus]

You don't have a relationship, though. You have a marriage. It's different.

How exactly do you mean?

[JDP]

I'm just saying this is the for better-or-worse part.

I think of splitting up from my wife sometimes over this very issue (and I'm the asexual), but I made a promise ten years ago that I would stick it out, no matter what.

I don't know how your question can be answered. There's a lot of talk here on AVEN about compromise between asexual and sexual spouses, but it's not really a two-way street. It's the sexual spouse that has to compromise.

[Lady Girl]

I personally feel that it's a two way compromise. I guess I have a different view or something. I just think as much as I have felt unhappy over an unmet need/urge, he has felt an equal amount of guilt and frustration. I know he has felt guilty for not being sexual and passionate with me and frustrated for having to do something he would not even do at all if it weren't for me. I definitely don't think it's a one way street...I think my suffering is different from his, but not more.

I have had real hard times with frustration, anger, gut wrenching sadness also. To be honest, the more I told myself this was 'a moment in time' and not the entirety of our relationship the easier it became to dismiss the sadness. I began to attempt to show him love by not increasing his feelings of inadequacy and made a real effort to push past the sad moments, or just tell him, I'm sorry I feel a little sad. I didn't want to stay in that cycle of crying in a heap on the floor and then hearing him say he was sorry for ruining my life and being such a failure (although the ruining my life part did make me laugh a couple of times...it just sounded so ludicrous).

Anyway, that has been and still is my goal, to show him love as best as I can (based on what I know about asexuality, and him). That aim has got us back into a better relating pattern than we've ever had.

[JiltedVenus]

I'm just saying this is the for better-or-worse part.

I think of splitting up from my wife sometimes over this very issue (and I'm the asexual), but I made a promise ten years ago that I would stick it out, no matter what.

I don't know how your question can be answered. There's a lot of talk here on AVEN about compromise between asexual and sexual spouses, but it's not really a two-way street. It's the sexual spouse that has to compromise.

Yes, this is certainly the Worse part.

I know I am the sexual person here, but I don't see how in any wise this is fair to either partner.

I personally feel that it's a two way compromise. I guess I have a different view or something. I just think as much as I have felt unhappy over an unmet need/urge, he has felt an equal amount of guilt and frustration. I know he has felt guilty for not being sexual and passionate with me and frustrated for having to do something he would not even do at all if it weren't for me. I definitely don't think it's a one way street...I think my suffering is different from his, but not more.

I have had real hard times with frustration, anger, gut wrenching sadness also. To be honest, the more I told myself this was 'a moment in time' and not the entirety of our relationship the easier it became to dismiss the sadness. I began to attempt to show him love by not increasing his feelings of inadequacy and made a real effort to push past the sad moments, or just tell him, I'm sorry I feel a little sad. I didn't want to stay in that cycle of crying in a heap on the floor and then hearing him say he was sorry for ruining my life and being such a failure (although the ruining my life part did make me laugh a couple of times...it just sounded so ludicrous).

Anyway, that has been and still is my goal, to show him love as best as I can (based on what I know about asexuality, and him). That aim has got us back into a better relating pattern than we've ever had.

This seems more workable to me. He has said that phrase before--ruining my life. Right now he is in a groove of trying to fix things. I don't know where we will land on that, and my hopes aren't very high we will get anywhere. But there are a lot of avenues to explore.

I guess, right now in my rather sex-addled state, I feel like it's ludicrous to stay in a marriage where one spouse is totally disinterested in sex and it's the other spouse's love language. If you can find a workable compromise, great, but the idea of me doing all the compromise? I am not sure I'm ok with that. Lady Girl, you said you two separated for awhile, yeah? And you're happier together? What about others, who have ended up splitting or staying together?

[JDP]

I personally feel that it's a two way compromise. I guess I have a different view or something. I just think as much as I have felt unhappy over an unmet need/urge, he has felt an equal amount of guilt and frustration. I know he has felt guilty for not being sexual and passionate with me and frustrated for having to do something he would not even do at all if it weren't for me. I definitely don't think it's a one way street...I think my suffering is different from his, but not more.

I have had real hard times with frustration, anger, gut wrenching sadness also. To be honest, the more I told myself this was 'a moment in time' and not the entirety of our relationship the easier it became to dismiss the sadness. I began to attempt to show him love by not increasing his feelings of inadequacy and made a real effort to push past the sad moments, or just tell him, I'm sorry I feel a little sad. I didn't want to stay in that cycle of crying in a heap on the floor and then hearing him say he was sorry for ruining my life and being such a failure (although the ruining my life part did make me laugh a couple of times...it just sounded so ludicrous).

Anyway, that has been and still is my goal, to show him love as best as I can (based on what I know about asexuality, and him). That aim has got us back into a better relating pattern than we've ever had.

The suffering goes both ways, but what is he sacrificing in the name of marital harmony? That is what I meant.

If I wasn't suffering, I wouldn't be here. I could solve MY problem just by leaving, but it wouldn't solve hers. I would simply be adding more misery on top of all that I've already caused, and I don't think I could live with that. That just doesn't seem honorable.

JiltedVenus, I hope things work out for you, I really do. If you figure out how to do that, please let me know, too.

[JiltedVenus]

I personally feel that it's a two way compromise. I guess I have a different view or something. I just think as much as I have felt unhappy over an unmet need/urge, he has felt an equal amount of guilt and frustration. I know he has felt guilty for not being sexual and passionate with me and frustrated for having to do something he would not even do at all if it weren't for me. I definitely don't think it's a one way street...I think my suffering is different from his, but not more.

I have had real hard times with frustration, anger, gut wrenching sadness also. To be honest, the more I told myself this was 'a moment in time' and not the entirety of our relationship the easier it became to dismiss the sadness. I began to attempt to show him love by not increasing his feelings of inadequacy and made a real effort to push past the sad moments, or just tell him, I'm sorry I feel a little sad. I didn't want to stay in that cycle of crying in a heap on the floor and then hearing him say he was sorry for ruining my life and being such a failure (although the ruining my life part did make me laugh a couple of times...it just sounded so ludicrous).

Anyway, that has been and still is my goal, to show him love as best as I can (based on what I know about asexuality, and him). That aim has got us back into a better relating pattern than we've ever had.

The suffering goes both ways, but what is he sacrificing in the name of marital harmony? That is what I meant.

If I wasn't suffering, I wouldn't be here. I could solve MY problem just by leaving, but it wouldn't solve hers. I would simply be adding more misery on top of all that I've already caused, and I don't think I could live with that. That just doesn't seem honorable.

JiltedVenus, I hope things work out for you, I really do. If you figure out how to do that, please let me know, too.

I suppose every situation is very different.

I was raised to believe that divorce was a sin and to be avoided at all costs. My husband was raised this way as well.

This all seems impossible right now.

[JDP]

If you left, you might miss him very much, perhaps too much, never mind how you were raised.

Marriage sucks but for some reason I seem to be good at it.

[Lady Girl]

Well, I think he has probably sacrificed plenty. It's just one of those things...I probably see things a little differently than you asexjoe. I think a sacrifice can come in the form of doing something that goes against your own will as well as the typical giving up of something.

I know how you feel JiltedVenus, it took me 27 years to get to where I'm at now (I felt plenty trapped and plenty upset). There are no easy answers and every couple is different for sure. The best we can do is listen to you and share our experience, give support in areas we relate, and think of ideas to try.

[JiltedVenus]

If you left, you might miss him very much, perhaps too much, never mind how you were raised.

Marriage sucks but for some reason I seem to be good at it.

Yes, I do think I would miss him. I'm not thinking very clearly right now, and what I do know for certain is that we have nowhere near enough information. He doesn't know I have found this site. I am waiting to see what surfaces after a few more therapy session and his followup with the doctor tomorrow.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Well, I think he has probably sacrificed plenty. It's just one of those things...I probably see things a little differently than you asexjoe. I think a sacrifice can come in the form of doing something that goes against your own will as well as the typical giving up of something.

I know how you feel JiltedVenus, it took me 27 years to get to where I'm at now (I felt plenty trapped and plenty upset). There are no easy answers and every couple is different for sure. The best we can do is listen to you and share our experience, give support in areas we relate, and think of ideas to try.

Lady Girl, this is where I am getting stuck right now. It seems to me, that there are loads of areas where I am willing to do or not do something out of respect for my husband's wishes. I am having a lot of trouble getting my head around him having sex with me as a sacrifice or a favor. I find it VERY hurtful.

I really appreciate your sympathy. Thanks.

[JDP]

I give everything I know how to give. The one thing that isn't mine to give is sexual attraction.

This is kind of a difficult subject for me. I've been trying for sexual intimacy my whole adult life, almost 40 years, with nothing to show for it.

On the one hand I am very grateful to AVEN for this forum, but on the other hand my sense of failure has never been more palpable.

[JiltedVenus]

I give everything I know how to give. The one thing that isn't mine to give is sexual attraction.

This is kind of a difficult subject for me. I've been trying for sexual intimacy my whole adult life, almost 40 years, with nothing to show for it.

On the one hand I am very grateful to AVEN for this forum, but on the other hand my sense of failure has never been more palpable.

I don't know what to say. I am sorry.

I hope to God this isn't the conclusion my husband arrives at when all is said and done. Time alone will tell.

[JDP]

If I didn't love my wife, I wouldn't feel this way. It's ironic, isn't it.

The temporary fix, for me, is to lighten up and do something fun with the mrs. Concentrate on what we have, what we've built, and not so much on other things.

Keep it sweet, keep it romantic, don't sweat the sex so much.

[Lady Girl]

Well, I think he has probably sacrificed plenty. It's just one of those things...I probably see things a little differently than you asexjoe. I think a sacrifice can come in the form of doing something that goes against your own will as well as the typical giving up of something.

I know how you feel JiltedVenus, it took me 27 years to get to where I'm at now (I felt plenty trapped and plenty upset). There are no easy answers and every couple is different for sure. The best we can do is listen to you and share our experience, give support in areas we relate, and think of ideas to try.

Lady Girl, this is where I am getting stuck right now. It seems to me, that there are loads of areas where I am willing to do or not do something out of respect for my husband's wishes. I am having a lot of trouble getting my head around him having sex with me as a sacrifice or a favor. I find it VERY hurtful.

I really appreciate your sympathy. Thanks.

I used the word sacrifice above simply to emphasize the reality of equality in our relationship. I do know what you're saying though and that particular line of thinking has plagued me in the past. The only way I was able to get over it, was by telling him I felt that way...actually I read him some posts from people calling it pity sex and he just looked at me and said, I don't pity you, I love you, there's a big difference. He then said it's sex, don't you just call it sex? Do you say your sister has gay sex with her girlfriend? No, you say they have sex.

Looking at it that way and letting it sink in that it was a loving gesture on his part made a big difference to me.

[Heart]

I'm ace, in a relationship with someone who calls himself "very sexual". I often find it very hard to understand sexuality, but what I can understand is asexuality, if that makes any sense. I know you've been around other forums (I think I even have a quote from you in my signature down below, because I like it so much...), so I just wanted to encourage that. I'm here, for example, because my partner is sexual and it helps me greatly to "eavesdrop" in on conversations like this that are by a sexual and centred around sexuality. I can't contribute always, and I can't always offer the same kind of support that Lady Girl can (and trust me, she's a pretty amazing woman, so you're in good hands), but I can listen and learn. The kinds of words you use, often help me see how it works. And I think it would work well for you to pop over to the asexual relationships or asexual musings and rantings, or asexual Q&A, forums and just peruse a bit. Hopefully, our conversations will be as helpful to you as yours are to me.

So, in short, thank you so much for helping me grow as a human being by allowing me to listen in. And I hope that you continue to explore this site, and that it helps you much in the same way that it helps me.

Being in a mixed relationship has been one of the most difficult things in my life, but also one of the most rewarding. If there's anything I can do to help, please just ask.