At what age did you perceive your (A)sexual difference?

[nateoke]

I was about 15 when I first came across the word 'asexual' in this context, but didn't fully accept that was where I fit in the spectrum until last year when I was 16. It took me a while to decide I actually was asexual, I was constantly plagued with 'the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.' That's what took so long for me to realise that I was asexual and it wasn't going to change any time soon.

[sapphireturtle]

I knew that there was some difference when I was around 11 years old. At the time, I didn't know I was uninterested, partly because I'd assumed that the wanting to have sex part came after relationship formation, but no one was interested in me. I didn't actually understand that people didn't just pick partners at random from the pool of opposite sex persons of the right age group.

At 17, I had sex, out of curiosity. I thought I didn't like it because it had just been the wrong situation. I still assumed that, at some point, I would develop an interest in it. I decided that, until then, I would be "voluntarily celibate". I'm not sure asexual was used in this context at the time.

Now, I'm 33. A few months ago I offered "romantic orientation" as a more accurate option to "sexual orientation" during a conversation on sexuality. The people I was conversing with rejected that, as, as far as they were concerned, there is no romance without sex. That got me thinking about my own perceptions of everyone else's perceptions, if that makes sense. That was the first time it really hit me just how different I was from the norm. Eventually, that lead me here.

So... 11 or 33, depending on one's definition. :)

[Rhino]

I always thought people exaggerated sexuality, then in uni I realized that wasn't the whole story. When a friend pointed out that asexuality was an orientation, I realized that I wasn't just a super late bloomer. I think like most people have said here, the signs were there, it was just a matter of having validation of a community that feels the same to know you're not a complete aberration.

[Kali tragus]

In elementary it began with the whole "liking" thing, and in middle school it got more obvious. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was lesbian, since the only close relationships/friendships I'd had were with girls. I had a really big squish on a guy for a while then, so that made me feel a bit normal, but there was no sexuality to it, just wanting to spend time with him. That ended after I moved and I felt nothing for a while, and debated with myself and felt broken for a couple years.

Finally, a podcast I listened to covered asexuality, and in listening to it in the middle of the night I had what my sixth grade teacher would like me to call an epiphany. I was 15 when that happened and it was a huge relief. I danced around the topic for a couple months and then came on aven. It fit.

[TiaTitan]

I think it was the summer going into junior year of high school (so I was 16) and I came across the term 'asexual' online. I looked into it more from there and felt it very accurately described myself.

In elementary it began with the whole "liking" thing

Ah, and the 'liking' in elementary school...hehe looking back I feel awakrd because I told people back then who I 'liked' in regards to people who i just really liked hanging out with/spending time with. I eventually realized when people said they 'liked' someone, they meant something more than what I felt. But I remember one time listing a bunch of guys I 'liked' to a couple of friends who asked, and they seemed surprised that my list was so long. I only later realized why

[miauw]

I really wish I had realized it earlier. I was actually somewhere in my mid twenties when I finally started feeling like I really was different. Before that I just kept inadvertently coming up with various excuses and justifications.

Between second and sixth grade I was "in love" with a boy in my class. At age 12 we got together (?) for a month or so and he broke up with me because I didn't want to kiss him. I thought it was too early and forgot about the fact that during the whole five or so years of pining kissing him had never even occurred to me. When everybody around me was obsessing about boyfriends and girlfriends I just wanted to play basketball and climb trees – I figured I was just a late bloomer and that the hormones will come. A little later a boy asked me to be his girlfriend or something like that and I said yes, because the other girls pressured me into it. We walked around hand in hand all day, then he tried to kiss me, tongue and all, and I freaked out, told him I couldn't breathe or something just as stupid and fled the scene. Avoided him like the plague for a whole year.

At age 13 I was too busy preparing for the high school entry exams to care about boys.

At age 14 I had a short relationship with a guy because it was expected from me, I think. I remember explaining away the fact that I felt absolutely nothing when he kissed me or touched me or whatever, but honestly cannot remember this particular excuse. He broke up with me because I didn't want to sleep with him. Good riddance.

At 15 I feel in love with a guy I spent more that a decade on and off with. The relationship was sexual, because it was expected and he was actually the only person I had felt sexually attracted to, so it worked for a while. During our off-periods I even had another two relationships, one of them sexual (because I was a normal person, right?), but long-distance. During most of the on-periods I was studying abroad and it was some kind of half-open long-distance relationship, where he slept with others when I was away and I of course did no such thing, because I couldn't care less about sex, I had my studies and better things to do. I had low sexual drive. The excuses just kept piling up and in the end my partner was the one who started asking me what is wrong, why for ten years I have initiated sex maybe once or twice, if at all, do I even like sex, do I like him and so on. During one such talk/fight I just threw at him that maybe I'm asexual. At that point I couldn't find any more convenient excuses for myself and went into a personal crisis of doubting my sexuality and everything around it. I only afterwards found out that asexuality really is a thing. It would have spared me so much trouble and pain if asexuality was a known and accepted orientation.

[trumpetchick]

Between second and sixth grade I was "in love" with a boy in my class. At age 12 we got together (?) for a month or so and he broke up with me because I didn't want to kiss him.

That happened to me a few months ago. XP

[buttcheekasaurus-rex]

The first time I had sex and it ended so quickly that I thought: Is that it? The thing people say it's the best in the world? Well then, no thank you.

[Rising Sun]

Even if I didn't have a name to identify my difference, I knew that there was something different about me when I was 13, when all my schoolmates started to think that I was lesbian, and when I realized that I was attracted to nobody.

[JON]

I´ve as most of you the same feeling that something is wrong/missing.I´ve always wanted a girlfriend but it seems that I was meant for being alone.

When I look on my AVEN/Youtube I can see that I was 36 -37 yo when figure it out.

[Mr. Noodle]

Looking back I can see the extremely obvious signs from a young age, starting around 10 years old. Then, I was on some medication during some of my teen years that reportedly had a chance at killing my sex drive. So I just assumed it was that, combined with thinking I was just a late bloomer. Since that is what everyone told me I must be. It wasn't until I was older and became sexually active that I really started to clue into it. For many years I just defined myself as "having a really low sex drive and even lower ability to find people attractive". Since I have found, and do find some women pretty. But pretty is as far as it goes.

Then at 22years old I was over at a girls house one night doing a little bit of light kink/ sexual play (since I do like doing some kinkier things, they are just non sexual to me). Afterwards she said the line "come back to bed so I can blow you" . My response was "But I have a union meeting to go to" which I then left and went to. Next time we talked/ hungout, we chatted about it a bit. And she suggested maybe I was asexual. Since she could tell I was different, not attracted to her or overly interested in sexual things. So she wasn't offended by my rejection. I researched asexuality a bit and it all started to make sense to me.

However I continued to fight it, I didn't want to be asexual. I wanted to be straight or gay or anything simpler than what I am. To magically be attracted to women and want/ enjoy lots of sex. And still fight it today in my late 20s sometimes. But the more I accept it, the more I am at peace with it for the most part. I think my problem is that I do want some sort of long term hetero-romantic relationship, and do have a slight sex drive. But my lack of attraction makes those things damn near impossible, and extremely frustrating to say the least........ and I need to not turn this post into a rant. haha.

[Twigwilter]

I was about 20 when I realised that I did not experience sexual attraction as most other people do, however I passed it off as having not met the right person yet! I was in a loving relationship for 3 years which broke down due to my lack of interest in sex; something I've felt bad about for a long time. Now, aged 27 (yes it took me that long!), I have discovered this network and everything has fallen into place. I now identify as an asexual, which feels great! I have not made a point of "coming out" to friends and family yet but suspect they wouldn't be all that surprised.

[OtherWise]

I was about 20 before I realised that I just wasn't feeling something that other people seemed to take for granted. Before that, I assumed I was bisexual. After all, since I didn't have a preference one way or another, I just thought that meant I must be sexually attracted to both sexes. It didn't occur to me that 'none' was an option until I started to realise that I wasn't just a 'late bloomer' and that all the people I thought I might be attracted to had no additional effect on me than friends did, or even family members. I confused fondness with 'fondness plus a vague sense of objective attractiveness'. I wondered for a short time if I might be a lesbian, but I had no interest in women that way either. It took me that long to realise that other people didn't perceive physical attraction the same way. I was having to force myself to concede that certain people were so much as objectively attractive in order to fit in with my peers. I was once told that I 'must be attracted to somebody' by a therapist and I really had to scrounge for somebody I could conceivably describe as attractive (I said 'Maybe David Tennant'. In truth, I just like the Doctor. The actor as a man seems perfectly nice, but leaves no other impression on me at all). I think that if you're in your twenties and don't know what your sexuality is, you might just be asexual.

I'm so glad that I never had a serious relationship before figuring this out. I know that some people only realise they might be asexual once they're married, and I would hate to be in that position. I'll only have a romantic relationship with somebody who is fully aware of my 'limitations'.

[Kellam]

I kinda knew when I was 6 or 7. I percieved a conversation that the other kids were having that I didn't "get". But, I was a confident kid so I assumed I'd figure it out. As time passed it got more confusing and after some middleschool experiences I began to realize just how I was different. After coming slowly to terms in high school I lost my virginity. At first I thought I'd swept the "difference" away. After the first years of my 20's I saw that I was still "wrong". I gave myself two more chances at being "hetero" before exploring other sexualities. I had two more girlfriends, a second very short relationship and one that lasted 8 years. When that 8 year attempt failed due to my "difference" I realized I couldn't put another woman or man through being with me. What's more was that I couldn't put myself through it either. There came a period of intense soul searching that ended last summer, I was 34, and I began saying that I "wasn't very sexual". Last December I saw the movie (A)sexual and found out I wasn't alone.

[MadAshes]

I thought I was heterosexual until I was 14. Then I identified as bisexual until I realized gender didn't really matter to me. So then I was pansexual. It wasn't until very recently, at age 17, that I realized I may be asexual. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure I am and the more I see experiences in my past that hint at me being that way all along.

[online2]

I went through a difficult few months my first year at uni trying to work out if I was bisexual. I knew something was 'different' about me but didn't know what. I thought that since I didn't have a strong pull to men it must be that I was lesbian but then that didn't fit either. I spent hours on websites commenting on things like 'How to know if you're gay'.

I finally found Aven after I typed 'i don't want to have sex' into google. The sense of homecoming was indescribable.

[iff]

about 21 or 22 (2006 or so) . it was more putting a word to this.

i remember when i was in college that when asked about these things, i did use the definition of demisexuality for my sexual orientation without having the word demisexuality though this was morre to not be completely unorthodox to my college friends.

[TheImprobableOne]

13. I've always been a lot less attracted to boys then the rest of my friends, never understood their need to google 'fit boys'. I was disgusted at the media for promoting sex through songs that 8 year olds end up singing. But I only discovered the term asexual when one of my friends asked me if I was in fact asexual. After researching a bit, I decided I was definitely asexual of some description. And here I am. ^_^

[ThaHoward]

I was 17 years old, or 2 months away from turning 18.

[Rochnariel]

I couldn't put an age on it. I've always been independent, which is what I attributed my lack of interest to. *shrug*

I didn't start actually using the term to seriously describe myself until this year. I had thrown it out jokingly when I was younger not knowing that it was real, but not knowing any other term to try and describe myself.

So 25 for using the term. The youngest I can remember rolling my eyes at my friends over their "boy craziness" was probably around 9 or 10 when NSYNC and Backstreet Boys were just getting big.

[Wolf.star]

I knew there was something different about me when I was 9 or 10. I was in 4th grade. Most of the girls in my class were going on about boys around that time, and I just didn't have any interest. I only spoke about males in the context of them being my friends and funny/important news they happened to be involved in. Before then, I just never thought about it long enough to think something was different about me. So I can't really say I've ALWAYS known. But until college, I've always made excuses about my lack of behavior (I'm too busy, I haven't met the right person, I'm just picky), or tried to be "normal" and involved myself in heterosexual relationships (during most of my life I avoided females because a large amount of them are rather hysterical/emotional during middle/high school). The few relationships I've been in, I was told I'm too cold-hearted/not affectionate enough, too frigid, if I loved them I would kiss/have sex with them, something's wrong with me, etc. During early highschool, I met a girl at a book club who told me about asexuality. I just never identified with it because I was still trying to convince myself I wasn't. A few years later I just learned to accept myself.

[ceg_2002']

I can actually give you a date - 24 May 2011. After a terrible emotional and traumatic period in my life I decided to go see a doctor. I had lost the one person in my life I totally could depend upon. He was more then family to me. I had come to mean nothing to him. I started having panic attacks and I was convinced that I was sick. My sister is bipolar and there is several autistic people in the family as well. So I made secret trips to a psychiatrist as I didn't want anyone knowing. She was sympathetic and appeared to listen to me. I trusted her enough to continue with several sessions and start a program of medication. All seemed well until another another incident with my former friend and I went out of my mind. It was nothing like I had ever felt before and since. I had no idea where my emotions were and what was going. For someone who doesn't really fell things I was beyond consolable. Two days later I had another anxiety attack which resulted in me asking for an emergency visit to my doctor. She as not there and I asked to see one of her associates who reviewed my file and asked me why I had been put on hormone treatment. I didn't even know know I was on them - I thought it was depression meds. He asked if I was trying to cure my asexuallty with hormone treatment. Then he had to explain what asexuality meant. I was 31.

I guess I have always been different. Never one of the guys not one of the girls. I have never dated - have never wanted. I have never been attracted to anyone. I have always thought of sex as something alien - something other people do and have never understood who anyone would like it.

[SpadeofAces]

I cannot remember exactly when, but I think it was when I was in middle school. 7th grade seems about right to me.

[Elnae]

By my mid to late teens, I was already starting to think I might be a little different to my friends, I never had boyfriends, although I always liked the idea of going out with someone, just not the practice.

At 16, a rumour went around school that I had had sex with a boy at a party (complete with disgusting gory details) and I was absolutely bloody FURIOUS, I later discovered that the boy himself had started the rumour. I confronted him and left him with little doubt that he was at risk of serious bodily harm if he even mentioned my name in future!! I know that at the time, most of my friends couldn't understand why I was so insulted, they were all advising me to just let people believe the rumour as it would improve my level of coolness, but I was adamant that I did not want everyone to think I was the sort of girl to just randomly sleep with some random guy. I didn't want people to think about me like that.

At 18, my friends and I went on our first unsupervised holiday and met a group of boys, one of whom made it abundantly obvious that he fancied me, we didn't sleep together but did other stuff, which made me feel disgusting and made me avoid boys for a couple of years.

At 20, I found my one and only "boyfriend", we worked together and went out for nearly 6 months. I decided to sleep with him because it's what you're supposed to do...right? Wrong. I worked out very quickly that I'd made a huge mistake thinking I could pretend I was okay with having sex. He swiftly dumped me for someone who would sleep with him (a friend of mine, but not for long) and at that point I knew that I would never be okay with having sex.

I continued through my twenties, pretending to be "normal", flirting and sometimes kissing guys I was attracted to or who were attracted to me, but kissing was as far as it went and I would always make it very clear that I had no intention of sleeping with any of them. My usual stock phrase was "If all you're looking for is a quick shag, then I'm sorry but you've picked the wrong woman".

By my 30's I knew categorically that I would never force myself to be in any relationship which would include sex and I had sadly resigned myself to being alone, probably for the rest of my life. I found Aven in January of last year and while I still think it likely that I'll be single forever, it has given me that glimmer of hope that I lacked, that maybe, just maybe, I might find someone. You never know, stranger things have happened!

[Yoruichi]

I always thought that I was normal. Thought that sex felt the same for every other woman as it did for me - pretty much not at all and that it was a chore- and that everyone else was also pretending to like and need sex, faking during intercourse and faking orgazms.

Never reflected over the fact that I never experienced arousal when being intimate with someone, or that I never thought to myself "yummie" when seeing a good looking guy. I just thought that everyone else was like me and that they were all faking just like I did

Not until this last spring did I start to realize that other people, other women, actually do like sex. Just as much as men do. Someone mentioned asexuality to me and that it might be the answer I was looking for. Googled "asexuality", found AVEN and read the FAQ. It made perfect sense! And for the first time in my life I actually feel that it´s okay for me not to want and/or need sex!

[Kekenny]

I felt different for a long time, but hadn't had a name for it until my 30ies.

Guess I should have realized earlier. I have been on 2 dates in my life - and both were a failure and made me wonder what all the fuss was all about and why people would even bother.

At 14 a guy asked me out to go to the movies - and I accepted. Not because I was attraceted to him (though I did like him as a friend, he was nice and we were 'pals', had common interests in fantasy books and comics and so on and even partnered for dancing lessons because all my friends were going and I really enjoyed dancing, but it never seemed sexual to me).

But what ultimately persuaded me to agree on a date was that all my friends were doing it and they giggled and were all secretively but hinted that it was fun... You know, 2 people, a dark movie theatre.... I figured if everybody was so crazy about it I'd see the attraction when I tried it.

Well, I did not.

I even refused to hold hands, not let him buy anthing / insisted to split all costs down to the popcorn so it was more like two friends going to see a movie together and had my parents pick me up immediately after the show so I could get away as fast as possible.

I *did* like the movie, he had picked one that was interested in, but he didn't seem to want to talk about that. I suppose when you ask a girl out on a date to the cinema it's NOT about the movie. Since I did like the guy, I was really sorry he was so disappointed and things were a bit awkward after.

Second date was going out with -again- a friend. And again more or less because my group of friend were urging me to try since they were getting concerned that I was not able to find anyone by myself and "we had so much in common and did like each other, we'd be cute together".

That someone might not want to turn a friendship into a relationship never occured to them - or myself. And apparently the friend in question was willing to give it a try.

But that date was an equally awkward affair. I liked the guy well enough to care about his feelings, but couldn't bring myself to play along. I know it would not work for me and why pretend and get deeper into it and then end it when he had gotten his hopes up? It sounded unfair.

I tried to see if maybe I'd feel something other than friendship (I mean, you've got to give something that everybody 's life revolves around a chance...), so I initiated holding hands. (when you are in your late 20ies and that basic touch is the most intimate physical contact you encourage on a date something is up...) and he caught me by suprise when I dropped him off after in my car and he leaned over and tried to kiss. I was so dumb-funded I just sat there and stared perplexed, the idea that this could happene hadn't even occured to me, to me that date had been a failure.

I guess then I resigned myself to being 'incompatible' and lost all interest in even trying to date. For a while I wondered if maybe I had looked at the wrong gender to date, but since I wasn't anymore interesed in dating a woman, I just shrugged.

It took some time to discover the term asexual after that though - I am not sure when, I happened to stumble across it by chance on the internet and did some research...

EDIT: I almost forgot there was a phase when I wondered if something was physically wrong with me because I had always been really irregular with my periods so I finally went to see a gynecologist to get that checked. The doctor said I was a bit low on estrogen and they could put me on the pill to make my periods more regular if I didn't plan to get pregnant - and I did it.

I mean, I had finally found something wrong and a way to fix it.

I kept wating for things to... get normal... and waited... What did happen however was that the cycle balanced and my skin cleared up and that benefitted me well enough and I felt overall better, so I did stick with it even though it meant regular check-ups. But it wasn't the solution that I had hoped it would be, hormones don't seem to be the solution for attraction.

[Bren]

I suppose that this is something I should have realized a long time ago instead of just recently coming to terms with. When I was 7 I wanted to grow up to be a hermit. My parents told me that I'd still have to deal with people so I could make money in order to buy food and pay bills. My next idea was to be one of those monks that has taken a vow of silence, but my parents said that girls can't be monks. So I wanted to be a nun, that got a laugh from the parents because I'm not religious and I'd have to deal with the Church. I figured out that I could stick to my first goal if I found a way to make a lot of money quickly. This lead to the very bad idea that I could grow up to be a stripper, until I found out that they make their money by taking off their clothes in front of strangers. So with all of my other options exhausted by age 9 I decided to become a librarian because books are much nicer to deal with than people... I really should have figured this asexuality thing out sooner, my life choices have finally started making sense.

[Bren]

I finally found Aven after I typed 'i don't want to have sex' into google. The sense of homecoming was indescribable.

. Yes! This is exactly how I've been feeling since finding this site.

[WhenSummersGone]

I noticed at an early age that I never thought about having sex with anyone. Guys had to keep bringing it up because it was never on my mind. I noticed it even more by having casual sex and getting nothing out of it. I think now I would need to be in a relationship to at least enjoy it, because I need the emotional connection.

[katybar]

It took me a very, very, very long time to realize that I was not feeling that about sex, and everyone else was. That the reason everyone else was engaging in it was not because they thought it was a good idea, but because they were just driven to do so -- and without that drive in me, I was never going to arrive at the point where it was a good idea for its own sake.

YES, this is what happened to me too. I fell in love and got married when I was 24. He was into abstinence before marriage. So after we got married, it hit me like a ton of bricks. (And gee, why would I fall for someone who didn't pressure me for sex?) The thing that still makes me shake my head, is that for years and years I thought if I was a 'better', 'kinder', 'more loving' person, I would be able to enjoy sex. I KNEW that plenty of not particularly good or kind people enjoyed sex, but somehow I didn't make the connection. It probably took 10 years (and a divorce and finally some therapy) for me to figure that out.

However, looking back, the first really unequivocal sign was when I was 13 -- a boy that I liked kissed me and all I could think was 'gross'. So I avoided having a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter). It happened again at 17 with the brother of my best friend, and 15 minutes of him making a pass at me (and me not understanding that that was going on) was enough to keep me really far from relationships and hating myself for years.