More gender related questions

[Schala Zeal]

Yeah I seem to be recurrent with those questions aren't I? I feel it's a strong concern of mine and would like to deal with it best I can.

I've looked back to my past and from what I gathered I was, and still is, dissociating myself from masculine behavior and any male-only clothing (well, let's say I try to be neutral about it, to not do something I'd regret). But as I said elsewhere, I lacked a female model, my mother probably being my only one (although I did 'see' girls at school and in public, trying to ask them this would be quite hard, especially considering they may be total strangers, which I would then have to see again).

Any leaning towards analyzing feminine behavior without referring to sex was clearly seen as deviant and so I just didn't do it to avoid the deviance image. Already not finding a girl as 'sexy' itself (if other guys considered it was so) was seen as deviant, but that I didn't mind. But saying you like their clothing so as to wear it was beyond the possible for me.

So I guess my biggest problem is associating with feminity because I seem to have something (a fear?) blocking me. I guess always been considered as a male without question by society has made me believe that indeed I was male, and I had to reject feminity to live 'masculine'. Now I've rejected this view. But dissociating with masculine as a whole makes me feminine? I've asked myself.

I do dislike a lot of the things attributed to masculinity, including my Adam's apple, facial hair, body hair (not including scalp hair, which I love), genitals and seriously more being considered as a male despite my atypical ideas.

Given the choice at birth the choice would be clear and without question: female. Given the choice wether to be reborn a girl or be reborn a boy without any problem with my gender, I'd still choose female without a hint of hesitation. That alone seems to solve the question, but yet I feel like something's missing...I can't point at what...there shouldn't be anything right?

Anyone got thoughts on this?

[Friendly]

Except for the actions and apparel appropriate to my body, I think I've done a decent job of disassociating myself from "femininity." Of course, while I prefer to dress in "male" clothes, I'm not trying to reach for "masculinity" as such. While there are times I would truly rather be male than female, I don't completely want to be male.

As I may have said before, if I had the time and resources and was somehow able to bypass all of the counseling stuff that I've heard must be gone through before going through a gender-modifying operation, I would go to the hospital right now and get myself a gender-neutral body. I consider myself to be mentally gender-neutral, more than male or female. While having a gender-neutral body would probably be really confusing for most people, I think that it would really be more me than the female body I'm stuck with. I just don't see the point in having certain organs, glands, hormones, and other biological bits and functions that I never plan on using for what nature intended. I would also not want to have the corresponding male bits and functions.

[slatterly]

Friendly - that is exactly how I feel.

Schala Zeal - it seems like what's blocking you is a fear of social rejection or antagonization should you begin acting publicly more feminine. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do about that except to conciously try and conquer it, and how to do that is really up to you.

As for your first point, though, I've only recently stopped considering myself to default as female, and I'm still sometimes paranoid that some of my habits are classified as feminine - that I 'talk like a girl', that some of my physical mannerisms would give me away should I ever try to pose as male. It could be that you're experiencing something to that effect, since you mentioned having had to reject femininity because of society's opinions.

[KAGU143]

......

I've looked back to my past and from what I gathered I was, and still is, dissociating myself from masculine behavior and any male-only clothing (well, let's say I try to be neutral about it, to not do something I'd regret). But as I said elsewhere, I lacked a female model, my mother probably being my only one

.......

Any leaning towards analyzing feminine behavior without referring to sex was clearly seen as deviant and so I just didn't do it to avoid the deviance image. Already not finding a girl as 'sexy' itself (if other guys considered it was so) was seen as deviant, but that I didn't mind. But saying you like their clothing so as to wear it was beyond the possible for me.

So I guess my biggest problem is associating with feminity because I seem to have something (a fear?) blocking me. I guess always been considered as a male without question by society has made me believe that indeed I was male, and I had to reject feminity to live 'masculine'. Now I've rejected this view. But dissociating with masculine as a whole makes me feminine? I've asked myself.

Anyone got thoughts on this?

Schala, rejecting masculine behavior won't necessarily cause you to have feminine behavior. It might, however, lead you toward thinking for yourself and rejecting a lot of the stereotyped thought patterns that are typically associated with being male, and I can only see that as a good thing!

There are plenty of books available that analyze and compare the behaviors of men and women. I can't see any possible reason why you shouldn't read them. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" is a classic example. Funny, but very true in most of it's observations.

One thing worth mentioning is that femininity has nothing to do with clothing. It is expressed by speech patterns and body language more than anything else.

-Greybird

[Schala Zeal]

I'm aware that feminity itself is not about the clothing, or it wouldn't matter really. But it can give you that recognition, in the eyes of others, that you are feminine. They might not see your speech patterns and behaviors first hand, but they'll certainly look at your general appearance and make an idea upon that.

As for the feminine behavior. It's not as much as I can't have a feminine behavior, its more like I don't know what is considered to be so. Supposedly that I push my hair out of my face in a feminine manner and that my walking is the same, but that's mostly because I've been told so after doing it, not because I thought it was like that. So it's a bit confusing, to say the least, when you have little basis for comparison because you're pretty much alone.