When birds don’t flock and bees don’t buzz

[yam]

Haven't seen it posted yet but maybe it's a reprint of an article in another paper.

In the Kansas City Star (June 8, 2005), http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/n...al/11836749.htm

When birds don’t flock and bees don’t buzz

Xendara is a pixeish, raven-haired woman of 22 who never in her life has been sexually attracted to another person.

In the past, the Albany, N.Y., college student might have thought — and almost certainly would have been told by shrinks as well as society — that she was sexually flawed or broken or defective, that there was something wrong with her. And that she was alone.

But, brought together by the Internet and bolstered by a growing body of scientific research, Xendara and others like her are becoming increasingly visible as a community.

They call themselves asexuals, and they insist that theirs is a valid, fourth orientation, after straight, bisexual and gay. There’s nothing wrong, they say; it’s how they were born. And as powerful as the sex drive is for most every sentient creature, they’re just not interested.

That’s not to say they don’t have close friendships; they do. And many asexuals form deep emotional bonds that they define as “romantic” — resembling those commonly understood as coupledom, except for the lack of sexual behavior.

Asexuality isn’t celibacy, the refusal to act on attraction. It’s the absence of attraction.

“Our society surrounds us with sex. They use sex to sell tires. But that purely sexual stuff I totally don’t understand,” says Xendara, who uses only one name and is a biology major at Empire State College in New York. “I’ve had people try to explain it to me. Flings and casual sex and people just seeing someone and being attracted to them, having sexual chemistry: It mystifies me. I’m like, ‘Why would anyone want to do that?’ ”

Although lack of interest in boys led Xendara to consider herself lesbian, having no attraction to girls either made the label asexual a more comfortable fit. It was also confusing: Gay Americans have been a visible and vocal presence for decades, but nobody seemed to be talking about asexuals.

David Jay was similarly lost.

“In early high school, all of my friends started talking about how they were attracted to people, who they had crushes on, and I just didn’t understand why sexuality was such a big deal for everyone else,” says Jay, now 23 and employed in the nonprofit sector in San Francisco.

He spent a couple of years assuming he was a late bloomer. In 2002, he came to a conclusion: “I said, ‘All right, I’m going to start thinking about what it means to not be sexual, trying to figure out how to live my life the way I am instead of trying to be something I’m not.’ ”

Neither Jay nor Xendara turned to therapy. Instead, they, like gay, lesbian, bi and questioning teens of the past decade, went to online sources to help them understand, with safe anonymity, what they were feeling and where they fit.

A key resource for Xendara was the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. AVEN is a Web site ( www.asexuality.org ), blog and discussion board devoted to providing information about and helping define a nascent community.

Founded by Jay when he was 20, AVEN has more than 4,000 members worldwide.

The site’s “Meetup Mart” section has posts titled “Anyone from Italy?” and “Cowboys and cowgirls (from Calgary)?” as well as “Vegan Straight-Edge Anarchist” and “How do we find each other?????”

That last question is key, and a prime reason Jay started AVEN.

“I never thought I was the only one,” Xendara says. “I knew there had to be others. I just didn’t know where they were.”

She still doesn’t. Even though she has presented informational programs on asexuality, Xendara remains the sole asexual she knows.

Statistically speaking, there are indeed others — up to 4.5 million Americans, a population perhaps half to a third the size of those who identify as gay/lesbian, bi and transgendered.

In a 1994 study of more than 18,000 Britons, 1.05 percent agreed with the statement, “I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all.”

“I was surprised by the number of people who reported they were asexual. I was even more surprised that it had never been studied,” says Anthony Bogaert, a professor of community health sciences and psychology at Brock University in St. Catharines, Canada, near Niagara Falls.

“I’m pretty convinced that some people ... should be classified as having a unique sexual orientation of asexual,” says Bogaert, who has spent his career studying sexual orientation.

Other experts agree.

“Motivation to engage in sexual intimacy is a dimension that runs basically from zero to extremely high, and there are probably some people at that zero end,” John DeLamater, a human-sexuality expert from the University of Wisconsin, told New Scientist magazine for a story about asexuality published in October 2004.

[yam]

Also appeared earlier on May 29, 2005 as Asexual Evolution in the Time Sun Union at http://timesunion.com/AspStories/story.asp...sdate=5/29/2005 as a longer article.

Asexual evolution Individuals who don't follow the standard script of sex and romance find they are not alone

By STEVE BARNES, Arts editor

First published: Sunday, May 29, 2005

Xendara is a pixieish, raven-haired woman of 22 who never in her life has been sexually attracted to another person.

Advertisement

In the past, the Albany college student might have felt -- and almost certainly would have been told by shrinks as well as society -- that she was sexually flawed or broken or defective, that there was something wrong with her. And that she was alone.

But, brought together by the Internet and bolstered by a growing body of scientific research, Xendara and others like her are becoming increasingly visible as a community. They call themselves asexuals, and they insist that theirs is a valid, fourth orientation, after straight, bisexual and gay. There's nothing wrong, they say; it's how they were born. And as powerful as the sex drive is for most every sentient creature, they're just not interested.

Some scientists aren't surprised.

"Motivation to engage in sexual intimacy is a dimension that runs basically from zero to extremely high, and there are probably some people at that zero end," John DeLamater, a human-sexuality expert from the University of Wisconsin -- Madison, told New Scientist magazine for a story about asexuality published in its October 2004 issue.

That's not to say asexuals don't have close friendships; they do. And many asexuals form deep emotional bonds that they define as "romantic" -- relationships resembling those commonly understood as coupledom, except for the lack of sexual behavior.

Asexuality isn't celibacy -- the refusal to act on attraction. It's the absence of attraction.

"Our society surrounds us with sex. They use sex to sell tires. But that purely sexual stuff I totally don't understand," says Xendara, a biology major enrolled in the state university system's Empire State College. Xendara, who uses only one name, says, "I've had people try to explain it to me. Flings and casual sex and people just seeing someone and being attracted to them, having sexual chemistry: It mystifies me. I'm like, 'Why would anyone want to do that?'

Lost teen

Although lack of interest in boys initially led Xendara to consider herself lesbian, having no sexual attraction to girls, either, made the label asexual a more comfortable fit. It was also more confusing: Gay Americans have been a visible and vocal presence for decades, but nobody seemed to be talking about asexuals.

David Jay was similarly lost as a teen.

"In early high school, all of my friends started talking about how they were attracted to people, who they had crushes on, and I just didn't understand why sexuality was such a big deal for everyone else," says Jay, now 23 and employed in the nonprofit sector in San Francisco.

Jay says, "I was very aware that this transformation my friends were going through, becoming sexual people, wasn't happening to me." He spent a couple of years assuming he was a late bloomer, then, in 2002, came to a conclusion: "I said, 'All right, I'm going to start thinking about what it means to not be sexual, trying to figure out how to live my life the way I am instead of trying to be something I'm not.'

Neither Jay nor Xendara sought out a therapist or psychiatrist. Instead, they, like gay, lesbian, bi and questioning teens of the past decade, turned to online sources to help them understand, with safe anonymity, what they were feeling and where they might fit.

A key resource for Xendara was the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. AVEN is a Web site (http://www.asexuality.org), blog and discussion board devoted to providing information about and helping define a nascent community. Founded by Jay when he was 20, AVEN now has more than 4,000 members worldwide. There are asexuals from Boston and Brisbane, Georgia the state and Georgia the country, Northern California and Nigeria, and a whole bunch in Britain. The site's "Meetup Mart" section has posts titled "Anyone from Italy?" and "Cowboys and cowgirls (from Calgary)?" as well as "Vegan Straight-Edge Anarchist" and "How do we find each other?????"

That last question is key, and a prime reason for Jay's starting AVEN. "I knew they had to be out there," he says. Xendara says, "I never thought I was the only one. I knew there had to be others. I just didn't know where they were." She still doesn't. Even though she has presented informational programs on asexuality at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and the Capital District Gay and Lesbian Community Center, Xendara remains the sole asexual she knows locally.

The others

Statistically speaking, there are indeed others -- up to 4 1/2 million Americans, a population perhaps half to a third the size of those who identify as gay/lesbian, bi and transgendered.

In a 1994 study of more than 18,000 Britons, 1.05 percent agreed with the statement, "I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all."

"I was surprised by the number of people who reported they were asexual. I was even more surprised that it had never been studied," says Anthony Bogaert, a professor of community health sciences and psychology at Brock University in St. Catharines, Ontario, near Niagara Falls.

Bogaert re-analyzed data from the British survey for a study he published last August in The Journal of Sex Research, titled "Asexuality: Prevalance and Associated Factors in a National Probability Sample." The densely scientific paper, complete with charts, footnotes and more than 50 reference citations, concludes that, while there may be diverse biological, medical and social causes for asexuality, it does exist.

"I'm pretty convinced that some people ... should be classified as having a unique sexual orientation of asexual," says Bogaert, who has spent his career studying sexual orientation.

Asexuality exists in the animal world as well. According to the New Scientist article, studies of rats and gerbils found up to 12 percent, called "duds," were not interested in sex. And three separate studies of rams found 2 percent to 3 percent showed no interest in either male or female sheep -- results duplicated when the experiments were repeated a year later. The magazine quotes a researcher, Fredrick Stormshak, as saying, "They appear to be 100 percent asexual."

Complex experiences

Comparisons between people and lower life forms may be useful to understand asexuality at a basic level. (The AVEN Web site sells T-shirts with the slogan "Asexuality: It's not just for amoebas anymore.") But, cautions Bogaert, human desire and relationships are more complex than whether a ram tries to mount another ram, a ewe or neither. In humans, the interknotting of love, sexual desire and romance, the pressures of religious, familial and social expectation, and the vastly varied experiences of those who identify as asexual -- all make it impossible for one clear definition or template for asexuality.

For starters, many asexuals also label themselves as gay, straight or bi. They want, seek out and enjoy close emotional relationships with men, women or both, although they don't feel compelled to make sex part of those relationships.

Because she bonds emotionally with, and seeks the company of, women in ways she doesn't with men, Xendara identifies as lesbian; she recently ended a 15-month relationship with a sexual woman. They felt romantically toward one another, took long walks, chatted endlessly, cuddled. As for whether they had sex -- Xendara says many asexuals do, to some degree or another, to accommodate a partner's sex drive -- well, the specifics are a private matter. They were in love, and the breakup, unrelated to Xendara's asexuality, stung.

Jay identifies as bi-asexual, because he bonds emotionally with men and women, and he enjoys the gamesmanship of a good flirt. (You may think of flirting as prelude to getting into someone's pants; for Jay, it could be the beginning of a nonsexual relationship.) Based on precedent, he believes his future long-term partner(s) are more likely to be female than male. And he wants kids (via artificial insemination). Xendara doesn't. Her mom is fine with that. Xendara says, "Most parents are like, 'You've got to give me grandkids.' My mom was like, 'I don't want any grandkids.' ... My parents have always been like, 'If you're happy, then I'm happy for you.'

Getting personal

Both Xendara and Jay say that while they experience romantic attraction and sexual desire, the latter is not directed at men or women. Such a distinction causes people to repeatedly ask about their personal sensual pleasures, i.e., "Do you masturbate?" In a rant on his AVEN blog Jay writes, "Here I am trying to tell you who I am and you want to know what I do? Get over it."

To further complicate matters, there is a subset of asexuals who experience neither sexual desire nor romantic attraction. They don't date, they don't bond romantically, and they don't think they're missing anything.

That's the case with Robert, a 27-year-old computer analyst from Rensselaer County who asked that his last name not be used. Robert, amenable to an interview only by e-mail, says he's had sex with men and women; all of the experiences were baffling, strange or just gross. Carnal pursuits divorced from sexual attraction or desire seem to Robert like a lot of energy to scratch an itch that wasn't bothersome in the first place.

He's not ready to come out as asexual yet. "If I don't want to (pursue sex), why would I want to spend time explaining why I don't?" he says. "I just don't care enough about it."

Xendara, still smarting from her breakup, isn't planning to find another relationship anytime soon. "I have a low romantic attraction, and by that I mean it takes a lot for me to get emotionally involved," she says. "But I can see myself in the future having a place, having animals and my own property and somebody there with me. I would like to share my life with somebody."

Not having sex as a part of their relationship strikes her as a good thing.

She says, "From what I've seen, sexual people have a lot of problems in certain areas. Sexual attraction can get you in trouble, make you do crazy things. I don't even have to worry about it."

Steve Barnes can be reached at 454-5489 or by e-mail at sbarnes@timesunion.com.

[yam]

A third version appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer May 30, 2005. It was a condensed version of the one in the Albany Sun Times by the same author. http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/living/health/11771412.htm

2013 Mod Edit: The above link doesn't work, but the Philadelphia Inquirer's article can be read here.

[Frigid Pink]

Thanks for sharing :D

[bard of aven]

That's getting a lot of mileage.

boa