Getting your parent to understand?

[morugan]

Alright, so, I came out to my mom as an asexual in 2011, I was, well, eleven at the time. My mom has always said that even if I was a lesbian or something, she would fully support me in anything. But, when I did tell her, she was so...I don't know. Mad and sad and confused at the same time? And it was painful, especially hearing her say, "Oh, I'm sure you'll meet someone special and change your mind." I was so set on her understanding that I wasn't going to change my mind, I felt strongly that this is who I am. I wouldn't be changing anything drastic -- I wasn't attracted to the opposite sex, I wasn't interested in changing my gender (more on that later) -- so why was she reacting so harshly? Was it because of my age?

I told her again about six months later, then again in 2012, the beginning of this year, and just today. She still doesn't believe me fully, she has big doubts about it all. And it is driving me insane, because she's the only one that's ever really been there for me, and she can't understand this huge part of me.

And continuing from gender identity -- last year, I thought long and hard about it. I've never felt completely right as a female, but I've never really felt male, either. Like, a mixture of the two. Some days, I'll lean more on one than the other, and it's just really confusing. I confided in my closest friends, and the most they had to say was, "But, you're a girl! You've got boobs!" They really helped a lot...not. I'm just really not sure, anymore. I was thinking about telling my Aunt, a MtF transgender, to see what she had to say about it all, but I'm not sure how I would even bring it up, or go about it, or even tell her since I don't know what it is, myself. Plus, I wouldn't want her telling my mom. Whenever I act like I don't care whatever my sex is, she's all, "Do you want to be a boy?" in a really appalled and dirty voice. It doesn't really seem like she's supportive of my sexuality or my gender identity, but she goes on completely normal whenever I talk about anything else. I just don't know what to do. Help, please?

[EruditeVolatility]

First *hugs* I'm sorry sweetie, that's a tough one.

My dad is overjoyed that I'm ace *rolls eyes*

My mom on the other hand just said that's really sad for me, but I'm almost 19. It seems like you've got a lot more bravery than I ever did at 11, or *adds* 14, 15? At that time I was just trying to keep myself from hanging myself. So mega props to you for being able to even talk to your mom about this. I didn't tell my parents until this summer.

Anyway, I know it is hard advice, but there comes a point where you have to accept your mother is not going to understand/support you and just put her comments aside. It is hard.

I would also recommend giving her some of the links on the asexuality.org website and asking her to do a little reading for you because you don't think she fully understands who/what/ you are/where you are coming from.

[AceAnon]

I'm also going through this with my mom, so I'm sorry, I know it's hard :(

I think your aunt could be a really great ally for you, especially with the gender thing. It sounds to me like you might be agender or neutrois or something similar, if you don't feel like you identify with being neither male nor female.

How educated is your mom on asexuality? If she's never looked into it, it could be hugely beneficial to show her AVEN, or just do some research with her.

Like EruditeVolatility above me said, it may be that she never fully understands, and in that case, hopefully you can work to put the disconnect aside and still have a good relationship with her.

[Guest]

In my experience - parents aren't going to take you seriously until you're at the VERY least 18. Well, most of them won't. Mine didn't when I first came out to them, and I was exactly that age: 18. I let them be while still carrying a grudge of some sort, but it didn't bother me very much. I talked with them again a few months ago (I'm 20 now), about visibility issues, and they understood I still identified as ace and wanted to be open about it, for the sake of the whole community. They took it a lot better than they did before. My father still grunted something about me not needing to "be a show-off", but didn't do anything other than that. My mother showed enthusiasm over my involvement with AVEN and my meetings with other users in real life.

Give it time. They'll get it someday. :)

[Oswald]

I'm 26 and my mom still doesn't take me seriously. She keeps saying, "I got you the first time you said not to expect marriage or grandkids out of you, but the way you keep going on and on about how you're never going to be interested in dating makes you sound psycho or something. If you have that much of a problem with guys you should just tell them you're not looking for a partner right now." Which is pretty much the worst thing you can do because it doesn't quash their hope of dating you if they're interested.

My dad actually sees people who are younger than me with kids and stuff and has a point of comparison to go by, so despite being generally averse to non-heteronormative genders and sexualities, he at least understands I'm nothing like anybody in my age bracket (or anybody at all, likely) and it's not something I can change. Maybe when you get older and your mom sees that other people your age are fundamentally different than you are, the point of comparison would help show that it's not something you're making up.

[Touchofinsight]

An unfortunate possibility is that they may never understand and or accept your identity.

Most parents have created some kind of image of who they want you to be, or expect you to be with some acceptable level of deviation. It may be, that you being asexual didn't even fall within her "acceptable or expected level of deviation" from their image of you.

Your age also is working against you because many young people won't finish or even hit puberty until their 20, some even later.

So she may use that as a basis of expecting "things will change as you get older".

These are all just possibilities to consider. However its important to note, that while they are your family, that doesn't mean they can't be toxic or harmful to you. What is really important is that you are confident within your own identity and your own life. The idea or image of your own identity often times won't often be shared by other people in your life. More simply put, they will have a different image or percieved identity of you.

Having important people that do accept you, is important for a level of respect, but at some point if someone has more negative influence in your life then positive... well it may be time to cut them out your life. Family isn't an exception...

Now, considering your 13 by my math, you really aren't in a position to do something like that for a variety of reasons. However, its just something to think about in the future. For now, you may just have to deal with a cope with a certain level of behavior that affects you in a negative way. However, you can use this as motivation to be self sufficient as early as possible to remove your self from that environment if need be.

These are all just things to think about and consider. I honestly don't know what the reality of your situation is.

I am just here to bring some friendly realistic insight..

best of luck

Touch!

[Starbogen]

Well, I just told my mom today and her first response was the "I accept you the way you are, but I think you're too young to know that." (I'm 16/almost 17) And I just told her something I added here in a comment: that if other people my age are old enough to know they feel sexual attraction, then I'm old enough to know I don't feel it. And I think that really made her think about it a bit more.

I actually even started the whole thing by asking her how she would feel if I or my brothers ever told her we were gay and she said she would accept the way we were. And then, after I had told her I actually identified as asexual, I asked her if she would have thought the same thing about "me being too young to know" if I had told her I was gay instead; and she said no. So I think it's just something about asexuality that's a little difficult for some people to get. And that, like others have said, everyone's going to tell you you're too young until you're at least in your 20s.

So another thing I told my mom to make her understand a bit more was that there was an entire community of people that felt this way, and that I had found out about it last year, and that I had read many things about asexuality with which I identified. Going back to the "you're too young to know" point, I also told her that there were people of all ages here, including many older people and many teens, and that from what I had read many of them had always felt this way like I had, and that many of them were actually in their teens when they realized their asexuality. I don't know how much I actually convinced her, but she was very accepting and cool about it; and of course she told me that she very much loved it that I was this way instead of being promiscuous or anything like that XD

Anyway I hope this helps, and I think the best way to explain things to others is by learning more about them and educating yourself first so that it's easier for others to understand because since you're the one explaining it, you should understand it first. So good luck!

[Phaetion]

I just had one of these with one of my parents...and it's not easy (Fortunately, she was able to come to terms with me; the rest of the family will be much more difficult).

This might seem crazy, but my suggestion to you would be to educate her and tell her the full extent of who you are as a person. If she doesn't want to? Oh well, you tried and she only be shallow by refusing to understand who you are. Not everyone will be (or even want to be) understanding of asexuality.

[NamTar]

It could be because you're young, but it could also be that some people just never quite understand or accept it, in which case, you just have to move on and accept their non-acceptance. For me, it became a bit easier the older I got, though. Even in my 20s my parents were convinced was just a workaholic and didn't have time to meet anyone, but in my 30s, I think pretty much everyone has come to realize I'm not interested in these things.

[ballobi]

I agree with everyone else when they say that you're likely too young for anyone to take you seriously. I believe you do of course know where you stand sexually, far more than the average 11 year old, but that's still mighty young. If there's any plausible reason for doubt they may not believe you and that's ok. Wait a bit longer a bring the topic up in a few years once you're out of the typical age range puberty starts. Hell, I didn't even believe that I was ace until 18 or so when I could finally say to myself "I guess I'm not just a late bloomer" lol.