Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

KittyKatKat

Advice please, could my husband be asexual?

Recommended Posts

KittyKatKat

Hello all. I just wanted to get some advice about my situation and didn't want to hijack somebody else's post, so I do apologise if this seems long and repetitive. In all honesty I hadn't heard of asexuality until quite recently when it was briefly mentioned in an article I was reading and then not again until last week when I was reading an interview in the paper from an asexual. Some of the things they were saying resonated with my experience with my husband and I started googling asexuality.

I need advice as to how to broach the subject with my husband who may or may not be asexual without offending him. He definitely would not have heard of the term asexual before and he is the type of person to go all quiet or just leave the room when I bring things up that he may find confronting. He tries to keep it all internally.

I met my husband 13 years ago when we were both 21. We are each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend and sexual partner. We lost our virginity to each after a few months of dating. Although initially he was quite physical with me in terms of kissing and touching when we were dating, looking back at it, I think I may have been the one to initiate the sex. At the time, we lived far away from each other and only saw each other once a fortnight, we stopped having sex after about 2 months when he said that he felt guilty about having premarital sex as he was hearing his father in his head who is a big Christian. I have to admit, this left me a little dejected and upset but I accepted this as I loved him. After 3 years he proposed to me and he kept telling me about his plans for our wedding night.

At our wedding, he hugged and kissed me a lot. But on our wedding night he went straight to our bed and went to sleep. Again after years of promises I felt a little bit dumb but didn't want to make a big issue of it as it was a big day for the both of us. Days after our wedding still nothing and it got to the stage where I actually cried on our honeymoon that I think made him finally have sex with me. It was brief and unromantic and felt very much like pity sex.

The next year I was pregnant with our son. Sex before that pregnancy was once a month, always brief and almost clinical. As far as I'm told, he's always wanted 3 children. We did not have sex whilst I was pregnant as he thought it was wrong. We didn't have sex again until our son was about 9 months old. After 7 years, I am currently pregnant with our 2nd child and am currently 31 weeks. Sex in the years prior to me getting pregnant again had been about 4 times a year and I always feel like it is something he does to appease my "nagging". We haven't had sex since the conception of this baby which I've found quite difficult because my hormones at the moment are like a raging teen's.

In the 13 years we have been together, sex is the only major thing we fight about. I have told him how I've felt about this and my husband feels ilke I was attacking him (I am non confrontational and shy, so I was not intentionally trying to hurt him). He's told me he's not gay, there is no one else, he's not interested in others and he does find me physically attractive, he said that there's something wrong in his head and he doesn't think about sex or has the libido for it. He has been tested and his levels are apparently normal and they see no reason for him not to have a libido. He was given viagra which he doesn't take because it gives him headaches.

Reading other people's posts, rang true to me and that is why I am writing for your advice. This is something I would not normally do as I am quite shy. I have tried to put myself out there for him in the hopes that he would respond to me and he never does. I do end up feeling quite pathetic. The whole sex situation has left me emotionally scarred and insecure about myself and my worth as woman and wife. I think it is best if we can figure this out so we know how to move forward as a couple and family. I really do love him very much.

Is there anyone here that didn't know they were asexual and was/is with a sexual partner? How would you like to have been approached by your partner? Does my husband sound like he could be asexual or am I opening a can of worms?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ballobi

I can't honestly speak from a relationship point of view but I can give you my take on the situation. He sounds a lot like me, a lot, and probabley like a lot of other asexuals. Yes he is most likely asexual, especially if test confirmed he is "normal". I have little to no libido as well and absolutely no desire for sex. In some ways even a repulsion. When I first learned about asexuality it was nothing but a huge relief to find out I wasnt a freak, that there were others like me. This sounds like something your husband would greatly benefit from learning about and accepting, in my opinion. Your husband loves you very much, he just doesn't see sex as a way of intimacy as you might expect, don't take it personally. I don't know the right way of doing it, but I believe you should talk with him about it. Best of luck :-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SpadeofAces

In my opinion, your hubby is Ace.

But unless you ask him directly -- whether or not he may be an Ace and whether he might identify as such -- then you just won't know. It may be a tough question to ask, but you should conjure the moxy and do so. That way at least you two will understand where you're both coming from.

I personally had nothing but problems in the past when I was not up front about being an AroAce. I had to keep making up various excuses, and ultimately ended all of my relationships, in order to avoid any sexual relations.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Texace 12

Be careful bringing it up with him. I'll explain.

I didn't find out I was asexual until 2011. I always knew I was different. In high school, I was never in a hurry to lose my virginity, and all I thought about doing with a girl was holding hands and kissing.

For about 18 months between 2007 and 2008, I was in a relationship with a woman. We fell head over heels for each other and hit it off well from the start. Our personalities meshed and we had tons in common. However, you sound exactly like her in the sense that the only thing we ever argued about was sex, sex, sex, SEX! I just had no need for it, yet I hadn't heard of asexuality, and I knew I wasn't into guys, so... why don't I wanna "do" her? I find her attractive right? Yes! (But I NEVER fantasized about having sex with her, nor have I fantasized about having sex with anyone.) All I wanted to do was kiss her and make out with her and give her endless massages and just cuddle all day and all night long.

Well, she got fed up and searched the internet for answers. She stumbled across AVEN and printed out an article (or maybe it was a post) and showed it to me. I... honestly... I was offended! I was like, "what the f**k is THIS crap?!" crumpled it up, and threw it away. Asexual? Please! I'm not asexual! I have raging hormones and I regularly... *ahem* ...take care of it on my own. I didn't see the need for sex. For me, I FELT intimate with her through the other avenues of contact that we had amongst one another that I felt we didn't need to have sex. Yet, for her, it wasn't "good enough" and she felt undesired and neglected. I was having to constantly reassure her with my words that I do feel intimate with her, but she said what I was feeling was friendship. The hell it wasn't! I truly LOVED her! She constantly compared our relationship to that of a junior high couple.

The thing I didn't realize then that I realize now is that sexual people do not discern the difference between romantic orientation and sexual orientation. For asexuals, those are two separate things, and which is why I WAS able to feel intimate with her without the sex. She never got to feel like that because *I* didn't wanna have sex. (We probably did it once a month after the first 5 months was out of the way, but then I stopped putting out cold turkey after 6 months.) For me, I was already at home plate. For her, she was stuck on 2nd or 3rd base and just wanted to reach home plate with me.

We broke up mid 2008 and went our separate ways shortly after. Yes, the lack of sex ultimately drew us apart. I was sick of being pressured into doing it, and she was sick of feeling "unwanted" though that couldn't be further from the truth about how I truly felt about her. I mean, I have my fetishes for certain non-sexual parts of the body, and like, we'd participate in... mutual... yeah... but like, we'd be pleasuring ourselves in front of each other, and you know what? That WORKED for awhile. It did. But it wasn't enough for her. I think if we had both known about asexuality then, we could have worked through it. (But other issues drove us apart too; she had kids of her own and that was more of a wedge in the relationship for me than the sex pressure.)

So how did I come to finally realize I was asexual? Well, some things you just have to find out on your own. 3 years after we broke up, one boring August day, I sat around and pondered my life. All my friends are going out to clubs and "hooking up" with "chicks" and "babes". My lack of interest in doing this drew me apart from my friends. So, I asked myself, "do I even WANT to have sex?" ... no. I didn't. No! Okay... so, why don't I want to have sex? Let's ask Google! Boom! The search lead me to a Yahoo! Q&A which lead me to AVEN and the rest is history.

Now, why did I react the way I did when she showed me the asexuality article/post back in 2008? Because honestly, I didn't even question it. And I felt so berated about all her pressuring to have sex that I didn't want to even think that I was different. I let my pride get in the way, yet I also felt pressure to "be" something she wanted me to be. It was something I felt I had to find out on my own. However, I had COMPLETELY forgotten that she had shown me that asexuality article until she brought it up when she and I went on a road trip this past May/June. (She and I have remained friends over the years and she completely understands now that I am asexual. We live in opposite sides of Texas.)

Sorry this got so long. I'm a bit long winded. I wish you luck in finding out if he's asexual or not... only he can decide that for himself, but IF he is, and chances are he very well may be as I found out about myself, you must keep in mind that if the REST of the relationship is harmonious and the only obstacle is sex, just please keep in mind that he more than likely LOVES YOU TO DEATH! Okay? He FEELS that intimacy, but doesn't express it the way you expect it. He just may be another asexual hetero-romantic like me. I just advise you to let him discover it on his own, and don't pressure him into having sex if he doesn't want it. Try to find other ways you both feel comfortable. I don't know what his libido is like, but for me, it's average to high, so my ex and I would do mutual mast... *ahem* ...and even did some pretty kinky shit that didn't lead to intercourse. You know each other; find out what works for the both of you.

My question to you though is, if you KNEW he's asexual, and KNEW that he already feels he was at home plate and feels intimately towards you, would that ease the tension on your end? Sure, you still need sexual release, but would it make you feel less offended is what I'm getting at? And with THAT in mind, would you have a problem with taking care of your own "needs" yourself? Do you see that as a shameful act or would you be okay with that? Or is that STILL not good enough and you'd absolutely positively need that vaginal/penile interaction, knowing full well that (if he's asexual hetero-romantic) he feels intimately in love with you the way it is right now? I'd love to hear your responses to that, and best of luck to you. Hang in there! Y'all will work through this!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

Hi and welcome to AVEN! Much of the advice you have already received is really good. I had the same feelings and similar experiences (minus the pregnancies) as you and so when I finally got a computer after 25 years of marriage and a good deal of heartache, I went looking for answers and found AVEN. I only read through the Front Page before talking to him about it and that is where I found some really great advice on how to approach the topic. The Relationship FAQ and the part there for sexuals was particularly helpful. After describing it in my own way I showed him the front page (Overview I think) on my tablet and that's when he said, that sounds right.

It is up to your husband to decide if he wants to identify as asexual (and he might only want you to know his feelings about it if he feels this describes him). Regardless of him taking on a different label, talking about a working solution to your dilemma is something to consider. I wish you the best and hopefully some of the advice and thoughts here will help.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

I cannot tell you if anything you try will work as far as getting him to read anything on Asexuality. I can only tell you what I did and what happened when I did it. I stumbled on to Aven just a little over a year ago. My husband and I had been married then for almost 40 years. Like you my honeymoon was only consummated after tears and was brief and non romantic the only difference was I was a virgin when we married and his only experience came from a couple of trips to Mexico.

When I first found this site I knew he would not be receptive to the information because he did not feel he had a problem that was any different than most other men he only believed they hid it. What I did was print the home page and handed it to him. I told him I found an article that might explain our problem. He read it and got very upset. It was about three or four months later that I was back on AVEN and he read a post that he thought sounded like something I would have posted. It was then that I told him my name and he read it and said it sounded as if the other woman had written about him. It was then that he began to talk and there were a lot of tears shed that night and there was more openness than he had ever shared before. I can not say it has helped our sex life other than I now know that he will never change and that has caused some sadness on my part. I now must learn to deal with the fact that my search for hope of an answer has been found but has not given me the answer I had hoped for.

Best of luck. Please know that no two people are alike. No one handles the same events in the same way. What worked and happened for me is just that my experience. Even that knowledge took months before it was excepted and even now is on a limited basis. He still feels there is nothing wrong with him and that many others are just masking their sexuality with brave forms of " locker room" style talk. Please understand I know there is nothing wrong with being asexual. There is also nothing wrong with being sexual. We are who we are and neither can change their basic desires all we can do is learn to compromise for the best chance of harmony.

Again Good Luck and we will be here to listen and help as best we can.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KittyKatKat

Thank you for your honest feedback. Much appreciated. I have to admit I am a little bit overwhelmed with this and coupled with pregnancy hormones I am a right old mess at the moment!

I think no matter how I approach the subject, my husband will be offended and will not react so accommodatingly. He is not the type of person to find this out on his own. He has so much shame about his lack of sexual desire that he will intentionally avoid reading articles or seek guidance and help and would just bury his head in the sand. Pretend that there is no problem even though I know it eats him up inside. Meanwhile, I know if I just allow him to discover things on his own (which could take decades) I will become a mountain of resentment and I don't think our relationship will survive if we pretend everything is fine.

I don't actually make moves on him all the time, I can clearly go without for long periods of time. But most if not all my initiations are rejected and sex is on his terms, which is basically he'll turn to me, tell me it's time, there is no foreplay, no warm up, it hurts me and it's over in 5 minutes. It does feel like pity sex and it feels like he is thinking "Quick, I need to get this thing into you because I don't know how long it will stay up for!"

Non sexual interactions usually include occasional hugs and hand holding (my initiations) and pecks on the cheek when he gets home. This is pretty pathetic of me, but I sometimes get jealous of my cat who gets hours of cuddle time on the couch. As a father he gives our son plenty of hugs and attention, maybe he doesn't give me those types of affection because he thinks I'll try to jump him if he does?

My question to you though is, if you KNEW he's asexual, and KNEW that he already feels he was at home plate and feels intimately towards you, would that ease the tension on your end? Sure, you still need sexual release, but would it make you feel less offended is what I'm getting at? And with THAT in mind, would you have a problem with taking care of your own "needs" yourself? Do you see that as a shameful act or would you be okay with that? Or is that STILL not good enough and you'd absolutely positively need that vaginal/penile interaction, knowing full well that (if he's asexual hetero-romantic) he feels intimately in love with you the way it is right now? I'd love to hear your responses to that, and best of luck to you. Hang in there! Y'all will work through this!

In reply to Texace, I think first and foremost I want my husband to know he is not alone, his problems are not really problems, it's who he is just as I am who I am. He would be so much more confident in himself and happier I think. If I knew for certain he identified himself as an ace I will not necessarily feel any less offended, but it is a start to understanding where he is coming from and yes, maybe that would help me with my own insecurities. Left as it is, the lack of sex and intimacy (as I define it) is a problem in our relationship. Problems left unchecked is like a cancer that eats away at you and builds up until it's too late. How fair is that to the both of us and our children? I can tell you that right now I'm feeling like a baby factory. I am now questioning whether he truly wanted children or because I wanted them that he had sex with me. I'm realising now that we had more sex in the 6 months before getting pregnant with this baby than we had in years, all touching stopped when we found out I am pregnant. I feel like he is disgusted with me or the thought of being intimate with a pregnant woman (which is the case for many men, not just asexuals). It feels like he is "playing house" with me.

I think sex to me is not just "vaginal/penile interaction" if it were the case I would just buy myself a vibrating friend and be on my merry way. I still hold the romanticised view of it all I guess, however naive or stupid that sounds. As a couple it's a form of bonding, it's about leaving your inhibitions behind and laying all your vulnerabilities out for the other person who you trust most implicitly. Plus, I do remember it being fun, much funner than doing it yourself. It is something inherent in me, that's what I see as intimacy and makes a marriage different to all other types relationships. I don't know, it sounds stupid and I feel a bit crappy and alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

I think no matter how I approach the subject, my husband will be offended and will not react so accommodatingly. He is not the type of person to find this out on his own. He has so much shame about his lack of sexual desire that he will intentionally avoid reading articles or seek guidance and help and would just bury his head in the sand.

I still hold the romanticised view of it all I guess, however naive or stupid that sounds. As a couple it's a form of bonding, it's about leaving your inhibitions behind and laying all your vulnerabilities out for the other person who you trust most implicitly. Plus, I do remember it being fun, much funner than doing it yourself. It is something inherent in me, that's what I see as intimacy and makes a marriage different to all other types relationships. I don't know, it sounds stupid and I feel a bit crappy and alone.

I hear what you are saying and think you have some legitimate concerns.

I don't think your ideas of a sexual relationship with your husband are naive or stupid and I'm going to guess he doesn't think so either...he just has a different view of love (it doesn't have to include sex). I feel a lot the way you do and it is hard to feel alone with your frustrations and to realize that the two of you will probably never have that particular kind of intimacy in your marriage. I don't have any magic answers...telling him that you feel alone and sad about this might be a beginning to a talk about it, I don't know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Caligo_Heart

I think no matter how I approach the subject, my husband will be offended and will not react so accommodatingly. He is not the type of person to find this out on his own. He has so much shame about his lack of sexual desire that he will intentionally avoid reading articles or seek guidance and help and would just bury his head in the sand.

I still hold the romanticised view of it all I guess, however naive or stupid that sounds. As a couple it's a form of bonding, it's about leaving your inhibitions behind and laying all your vulnerabilities out for the other person who you trust most implicitly. Plus, I do remember it being fun, much funner than doing it yourself. It is something inherent in me, that's what I see as intimacy and makes a marriage different to all other types relationships. I don't know, it sounds stupid and I feel a bit crappy and alone.

I hear what you are saying and think you have some legitimate concerns.

I don't think your ideas of a sexual relationship with your husband are naive or stupid and I'm going to guess he doesn't think so either...he just has a different view of love (it doesn't have to include sex). I feel a lot the way you do and it is hard to feel alone with your frustrations and to realize that the two of you will probably never have that particular kind of intimacy in your marriage. I don't have any magic answers...telling him that you feel alone and sad about this might be a beginning to a talk about it, I don't know.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I think Lady is right and you need to start by telling him how you feel. Making it clear that you're upset/frustrated and that his conflict avoidance will only breed resentment sounds like a good first step to opening a dialogue. You seem like you want to help him understand and accept himself and I think that tenderness will get you far into a conversation. Maybe you could show him some of your post? I'm not sure if there's anything in it that you think would offend him but you've expressed yourself very eloquently and I think it would help him to see where it is you're coming from.

We're here for you Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

Just a thought ... Even though we are most all posting under a user name that any one that got on would not be able to identify with. My husband finds it hard to know that I have written of private feelings. He knows I write them but he does not wish to see it. Only you can know your husband well enough to know if you can share the post made with him or not. That must be a choice that only you can determine. Some can handle it others can't. Share with him what is in your heart and TRY not to let anger in. Discussions made from the heart with out anger have always gotten me the furthest. Conversations of some form be it spoken or written (I often write mine to avoid the emotions from side tracking and possible omission of important points and feelings). Then I either read it to him or hand it to him and sit with him while he reads it. Again you must know how to deal with the person you Love.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jmitch1481

Kitty it was heart wrenching to read your post. It took a lot to put your life and emotion's out there and I commend you. I read some great advise on here and I'm happy that it touches on something I have had questions about myself. To understand what is possible in a relationship and to understand me better.

I was in a relationship with a very sexual individual, my first. To him, a relationship was sex and to me it was not. We were on 2 opposite sides of the spectrum, and I had no idea what asexual was or that it existed. In the first few months, it was great, sex wasn't on the table because he knew I was a virgin and didn't want to push me. But once it happened, I found myself more and more dissatisfied with the relationship. He wanted sex almost once a day or more. Not always from me, but you know taking care of it himself. I didn't understand why I didn't enjoy this aspect, when it was so important to him. I tried to explain how I felt and he just told me I didn't want to enjoy it. That made me feel broken. That something was wrong with me. I told him he didn't love me and he said, "how can you say"? He wasn't showing love and interest, so It would compute for me. There were "ways" he would show love and romance and he would have to explain, this is romance. It just wasn't registering on my level.

Random thoughts:

I think some people undermine the male ego. A healthy sex drive and kids for a man is seen as a good thing, it equates to self worth. SO maybe this is why men take offense when these subjects are brought up? Just don't confront him in a way that says, your are broken and need to be "fixed" But telling him how you feel is different. i.e.: When you don't do this, I feel unwanted.

It may not be a health issue, but could it be a psyche thing? I have heard that people who had contact with deep religious settings can feel as though what they are doing is dirty? Have you tried talking to a psychiatrist. Marriage councilor? I'm just throwing things out there.

Much love Kitty. I really hope you find answers to your questions on here and find a common ground that is happy for both of you. If you really find that he is asexual, how will that change things for you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NolongerHere

You are here, so I think you’ve finally found the answer you’re looking for. You can now discard your insecurities and breathe – he does love you, he’s not lying to you, and there is nothing wrong with you. More importantly, there is nothing wrong with him – he is not broken.

Most straight men are not apt to soul searching, and it’s a loving search you’ve done to understand your relationship. If the label “Asexual” settles your heart, that’s good. But to force-feed the label on him when he has avoided the subject will insinuate that he is broken, and this is its name. He’s got to come across the word on his own, or you will see a man-wall that could destroy your marriage.

So…now the question is - for better or for worse – can you live with it? A marriage defined by a loving partnership rather than sex?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JiltedVenus

Bumping this because I couldn't read and not comment. I don't have any answers, but I feel for you! I'm in the same boat myself, and I really identified with what you said. Do you have any updates?

Hugs :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
virginia66

I can't honestly speak from a relationship point of view but I can give you my take on the situation. He sounds a lot like me, a lot, and probabley like a lot of other asexuals. Yes he is most likely asexual, especially if test confirmed he is "normal". I have little to no libido as well and absolutely no desire for sex. In some ways even a repulsion. When I first learned about asexuality it was nothing but a huge relief to find out I wasnt a freak, that there were others like me. This sounds like something your husband would greatly benefit from learning about and accepting, in my opinion. Your husband loves you very much, he just doesn't see sex as a way of intimacy as you might expect, don't take it personally. I don't know the right way of doing it, but I believe you should talk with him about it. Best of luck :-)

Don't take it personally? Sex is the cornerstone of heterosexuality. How could she have known he was asexual? Had she known she probably wouldn't have married him and she might be in a satisfying relationship to this day. It is not fair that he took her down this pathway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

I can't honestly speak from a relationship point of view but I can give you my take on the situation. He sounds a lot like me, a lot, and probabley like a lot of other asexuals. Yes he is most likely asexual, especially if test confirmed he is "normal". I have little to no libido as well and absolutely no desire for sex. In some ways even a repulsion. When I first learned about asexuality it was nothing but a huge relief to find out I wasnt a freak, that there were others like me. This sounds like something your husband would greatly benefit from learning about and accepting, in my opinion. Your husband loves you very much, he just doesn't see sex as a way of intimacy as you might expect, don't take it personally. I don't know the right way of doing it, but I believe you should talk with him about it. Best of luck :-)

Don't take it personally? Sex is the cornerstone of heterosexuality. How could she have known he was asexual? Had she known she probably wouldn't have married him and she might be in a satisfying relationship to this day. It is not fair that he took her down this pathway.

I'm not positive, but I think they mean not to take it as a personal issue...it's the nature of one person being asexual, hence don't take it personally. It's probably not a question of this being fair on his part...I don't hold it against my husband nor do I believe that had I known I wouldn't have married him. Sex isn't necessarily the cornerstone of a relationship or even a marriage, it is simply an important aspect of it for many heterosexuals.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jojo2003

Hi KittyKatKat,

I do not know if your husband identifies as an asexual, but do recognize a lot in your story. From our (my asexual partner and me) point of view, we are still not sure whether my partner is asexual or not, but for us it worked to put that lable on her. It was almost a relief for both of us to see that there are people experiencing the same and to realize that we were not "abnormal", although out of the ordinary.

I do definitely not agree with the fact that sexual relations are the cornerstone of heterosexuality (and not homosexuality?) or a relationship. I am in a relationship for over 15 years where this is not the case.

I am not saying all problems are solved between me and my partner. We do have our ups and downs and still have a lot of discussions about our incompatibility in sexual needs, but I would advice you to share with your husband your concerns and try not to get defensive. Explain that you feel there is a mismatch in you relationship, without putting the "blame" on anyone of you. Which is difficult, but it can be done!

Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ThorHera

I can't honestly speak from a relationship point of view but I can give you my take on the situation. He sounds a lot like me, a lot, and probabley like a lot of other asexuals. Yes he is most likely asexual, especially if test confirmed he is "normal". I have little to no libido as well and absolutely no desire for sex. In some ways even a repulsion. When I first learned about asexuality it was nothing but a huge relief to find out I wasnt a freak, that there were others like me. This sounds like something your husband would greatly benefit from learning about and accepting, in my opinion. Your husband loves you very much, he just doesn't see sex as a way of intimacy as you might expect, don't take it personally. I don't know the right way of doing it, but I believe you should talk with him about it. Best of luck :-)

Don't take it personally? Sex is the cornerstone of heterosexuality. How could she have known he was asexual? Had she known she probably wouldn't have married him and she might be in a satisfying relationship to this day. It is not fair that he took her down this pathway.

There is NO Guarantee, that you will have a 'perfect' sex life with a sexual/sexual relatnshp - many sexual relatnshps have sexual issues due to marital and exterior factors (including sexual desires - some cant DO the deed w/o some chains/whips). THINGS happen that turn sexual/sexual ppl off - as sometimes sex is a symptom of a bigger prob. Sex life is NOT immune to difficulties no matter the orientation.

Having a sexual/asexual relatnshp does not always = failure, it may be difficult, it may be insurmountable - it depends on the love of individuals involved. I have been married for 30+ yrs, and YES, the 1st decade was sexually turbulent, due to his HUGE Sexual appetite and my lack of sexual appetite.

That satisfying (sexual/sexual) relatnshp CAN turn sour quickly, easily. no different than having to deal w/a spouse that all of a sudden has a gambling/drinking/spending/etc problem.

Also, i dont think he intentionally "took her down this path". IMO, i think he is unaware of who/what he is. I am 50+, had NO idea i was asexual, until recently - he may be the same, as no one from my generation knew about asexuality, i didnt know what was "wrong" with me, and it was a great relief, for me, to see there were others that were the same as me. I thank AVEN for its existence, i am very HAPPY i found this place. RELIEF, knowing i was NOT alone made a huge difference in my mental being.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
trapped.within.limbo

KittyKatKat, there is a line in your second post that shocks me.

You say that occasionally he will suddenly want sex, you make no mention of whether you want it or not, it hurts you and is purely about him getting it over with. I may be totally out of line here, please, please correct me if I'm wrong, but that sounds like rape to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...